


Zenmasters: Seasons 3 to 5

by zdbztumble



Category: That '70s Show
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Rewrite, F/M, fan script
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-07
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:54:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 43
Words: 157,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23045110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zdbztumble/pseuds/zdbztumble
Summary: After "Jackie Bags Hyde," a certain subplot went into hibernation for a season and a half. What if it hadn't? And, if it hadn't, what other surprises would pop up along the way? "Tune in" to find out!
Relationships: Jackie Burkhart/Steven Hyde
Comments: 134
Kudos: 263





	1. J/H 3-09: Ice Shack

**Author's Note:**

> Originally, this was a one-shot done on the spur of the moment on Tumblr after going through the entire series for the first time (well, the entire series up to Season 6). But, now that I'm watching it again from start to finish, I've decided to dip my toe into T7S writing again. And I decided to continue on from my original premise: if Jackie and Hyde's relationship up to "Jackie Bags Hyde" had follow-up in in the rest of Season 3 and Season 4.
> 
> I'm well aware I'm not the first person to have that idea, though I can't claim to have read many other examples out there. This is just something I'm doing for fun, and to loosen up my chops writing dialogue and structuring plots. I'm not aiming to "correct" anything in the show as it is. The goal here is to produce something that could realistically have been of the show, given its genre, time period, and time limitations, with just one major aspect (and the resulting ripple effects) changed. Not every episode is getting re-written, and some episodes will only have "B" stories, or even one or two scenes, changed (though the unaltered material will usually be included, for context.) I'm also aiming to reconnect with canon by early Season 5 and end this project there, with the (very slim) possibility of doing an alternate Season 7 finale.
> 
> First up: the germ of this idea, my original re-write of 3-09, "Ice Shack." It's been slightly altered from what I originally wrote, partially due to reconsidering dialogue, partially due to trying to adhere to restrictions of time and structure, and partially because, now that this is an ongoing project, certain things are best saved for later.
> 
> (BTW - this first chapter, and the rest of the fic, is also on Tumblr at zen3to5.tumblr.com. Feel free to drop an ask in the box there!)

**SHOW TITLE**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT**

_The gang has just finished a round of poker. HYDE is in his chair, ERIC, DONNA, and JACKIE share the couch, KELSO is in the lawn chair, and FEZ is in the hoppity hop. Everyone else groans as HYDE laughs triumphantly and scoops the pot up into his arms._

_Kelso and Fez exit out the basement door, grumbling. Jackie rises and gathers up her coat._

**JACKIE** :

Goodnight, Steven.

**HYDE** :

Whatever.

_Jackie stares at Hyde for a moment as he counts his money, then exits. On the couch, Eric and Donna watch Hyde and trade whispers with one another._

_Hyde rises, gathers his coat, and makes for the door._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

Alright, I’ll see you later.

_Donna nudges Eric lightly. He nods and looks up to face Hyde._

**ERIC** :

Hey, why don’t you go ahead and sit back down there, Hyde? We’ve gotta have a little talk with you, mister.

_He points to Hyde’s chair, and Donna nods. Hyde gives them a long look, and Eric gives an insistent look back. Hyde shrugs and sits down. Eric and Donna inch across the couch to get closer to him, and Donna reaches a hand out and places it on Hyde’s knee._

**DONNA** :

Okay, Hyde...is there anything you want to tell us about your date with Jackie on Veteran’s Day?

**HYDE** :

(beat)

Okay, bye-bye.

_He stands again, but Eric and Donna stand too, and push him back into his chair._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

Whatever, man. So we went on a date. So?

**DONNA** :

“So?” Hyde, she stalked you for weeks, you went to jail for her, and when you two finally went out, neither of you said anything about it.

**HYDE** :

(shrugs)

Nothing to say.

**DONNA** :

But Hyde, if anything happened, then the whole group is -

**HYDE** :

Nothing happened.

(they stare)

 _Nothing happened_.

**DONNA** :

Okay, so, that’s it? It was a dud date, and it’s all over?

**HYDE** :

Yeah. I mean... yeah. Well... yeah.

**ERIC** :

(beat) 

_Hyde..._

**HYDE** :

What? She said she didn’t feel anything, so -

**DONNA** :

Wait - _she_ said she didn’t feel anything?

_Donna and Eric both break into matching grins and lean in. Hyde shifts in his chair._

**HYDE** :

(beat)

Oh, no. You got it all wrong, man. So she thought the kiss was -

**DONNA** :

Oh my god, you kissed?

**ERIC** :

The horror!

_Donna and Eric gape at Hyde, who jumps to his feet._

**HYDE** :

Hey! Listen to me - I don’t like Jackie! I only took her on that date to shut her up about all this fantasy hero-worship crap she’s been on! Nothing happened, and there’s nothing to say about it!

**ERIC** :

Oh...well, you know...

(reaches out to take Hyde’s hand)

In Point Place, they say that Steven Hyde's heart grew three sizes that day.

_Hyde yanks his hand free and storms out of the basement, while Eric and Donna fall against each other, laughing._

**MAIN CREDITS**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY**

_The next morning. Hyde sits in his chair eating oatmeal. Eric and Donna, dressed for winter, sit on the couch. They stare at Hyde and grin. As Hyde raises a spoonful toward his mouth, he stops, but doesn’t turn to face Eric and Donna. They keep staring. Hyde resumes eating but pauses again with the next spoonful. Eric and Donna keep grinning at him. Hyde finishes his bite, but when they still won’t stop, he shoves his spoon into his oatmeal and turns to face them._

**HYDE** :

This is going in both your faces. I swear to God.

**DONNA** :

I can’t believe it. Tough, trouble-making Steven Hyde - no ties, no girlfriends - gets a crush on _Jackie Burkhart_.

_She cracks up as she says the name, and she and Eric lean their heads against each other as they laugh._

**HYDE** :

Get bent, I do not.

**ERIC** :

Yeah, Donna, ease up. It’s gotta be a tough time for our boy here. What with the broken heart, because... _Jackie_ didn’t feel anything.

_Donna starts laughing again. Hyde flings some oatmeal Eric’s way, and he dodges it._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

I dunno, Donna. Someone might have beat us to the draw on the bedroom this weekend.

**HYDE** :

What are you talking about?

**DONNA** :

The trip to Kelso’s uncle’s cabin. Didn’t he tell you? We’re leaving any minute.

_A horn honks off-screen. The three share looks and head upstairs._

CUT TO:

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - DAY**

_Kelso is standing in front of his van, parked with its back facing the road. He paces and rubs his hands together. Hyde, Eric, and Donna come outside through the kitchen._

**KELSO** :

(to Eric, Donna)

Hey. So, you guys ready to go?

**HYDE** :

Kelso, man, what the hell? You didn’t tell me about this trip?

_Kelso looks as if he just noticed Hyde was there._

**KELSO** :

Oh. I’m sorry, Hyde. I forgot.

**HYDE** :

Well, so long as there’s beer, I forgive you.

(claps Kelso’s shoulder)

Let’s go.

**KELSO** :

Wait, Hyde. You can’t come.

**HYDE** :

Why not?

_Kelso hesitates, then steps around Hyde to reach Eric and Donna._

**KELSO:**

Okay, I might as well let you in on my master plan here. See, what this whole trip is about is a romantic double date, with you two, me, and Jackie.

**ERIC** :

Okay, see, Kelso - double dates usually work better when the second couple are actually dating.

**KELSO** :

So, it’s a secret double date. I told Jackie the whole gang was coming, but I didn’t invite Hyde or Fez.

(to Hyde)

No offense.

**DONNA** :

I’m out.

_She and Eric both turn to head back inside, but Kelso moves to block their way._

**KELSO** :

No, I need you guys! Look - I wanna win Jackie back. I love her, I miss her...and I’ve been getting, like, _nothing_ from Laurie lately.

_Donna rolls her eyes, Eric grins, and Hyde fumes. Kelso ignores them all._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

And, Eric and Donna, you guys are, like, the perfect couple, so if you’re there, I can just copy all the sissy, loser things that Eric does, and I’m gold!

**ERIC** :

(to Donna)

I mean - he asks so nicely, how could we refuse?

**DONNA** :

Kelso, I am not doing this!

**KELSO** :

Oh, come on! You guys get a romantic weekend out of it, and I’ll have tons of beer! We won’t even need a refrigerator 'cause it’s so freaking cold!

(crosses to Hyde)

Oh, but I need to grab the beer and gas on the way, so... I kinda need it back.

_He holds out his hand._

**HYDE** :

You need what back?

**KELSO** :

You know...my money.

**HYDE** :

What money?

**KELSO** :

My money from the poker game last night.

**HYDE** :

Kelso, that’s _my_ money.

**KELSO** :

No, it’s mine! I brought it!

**HYDE** :

And you lost it!

**KELSO** :

Well, since when does losing it to you in a poker game make it _your_ money?

_Hyde stares, and Eric and Donna roll their eyes._

**HYDE** :

Okay - fine, Kelso. I’ll pay for this trip - with _my_ money - on one condition: I come too.

**KELSO** :

What? No, Hyde! That throws off my whole plan! Why do you want to come anyway?

**ERIC** :

Yes, Hyde - why _do_ you want to come?

**HYDE** :

(beat)

Kelso, all your master plans are stupid and blow up in your face. I could spend my poker winnings on beer and Playboys, but those are there every weekend. Watching you crash and burn - that’s something special, man. And I don’t wanna miss it.

**KELSO** :

(beat)

Alright, you’re in.

_Kelso, laughing, moves to the front of the van, with Eric following. Hyde and Donna linger by the back. Donna takes a few steps toward Hyde._

**DONNA** :

Hyde - you really do care about her, don’t you?

_Hyde shifts on his feet._

**HYDE** :

No... but do you wanna go through all that again?

(doing Jackie)

“Oh my god, you’re so beautiful, Michael!”

(doing Kelso)

“Oh my god, _you’re_ so beautiful, Jackie!”

(doing Jackie)

“But you cheated with Laurie and Pam Macy - you’re such a dirty dog!”

(doing Kelso)

“Well damn, Jackie! What do you expect from a shallow, stupid man-whore?”

**DONNA** :

(laughing)

Well, deny it all you want - this is the sweetest I think I’ve ever seen you. But I think it’s good for Jackie that she’s on her own right now. So please tell me you’re not gonna use this trip to crawl all over her too.

**HYDE** :

I told you - she didn’t feel anything.

_Donna sighs and reaches out to rub Hyde’s shoulder._

**DONNA** :

Ugh, I can’t believe Kelso. And what about poor Fez? We’re leaving him all alone this whole weekend.

**HYDE** :

Actually, I think he’ll be fine. He had some plans.

CUT TO:

**INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY**

_A packed theater sits back to enjoy a special screening of WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY. Pan across the first row until we arrive on FEZ, munching away at popcorn and chocolate. His eyes are wide and his mouth hangs open._

**FILM (aud. only)** : 

_Who can take a sunrise (who can take a sunrise)  
Sprinkle it with dew (sprinkle it with dew)  
Cover it with choc'late and a miracle or two..._

_Fez sits up straight and sings out, as loud as he can..._

**FEZ & FILM**: 

The Candy Man!  
Oh, the Candy Man can!

_Everyone sitting around Fez glares at him. He smiles apologetically and slumps back down into his seat._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM - DAY**

_LAURIE sits on the couch in her bathrobe. She watches TV and sips at a mug of coffee. KITTY enters through the kitchen door. Seeing Laurie, she sucks in a deep breath and puts on a hard smile._

**KITTY** :

Good afternoon, sunshine. We missed you at lunch. And breakfast. And dinner last night.

**LAURIE** :

Yeah...I would’ve made it, but it interfered with my plans to not spend more time in this dump than I have to.

**KITTY** :

(laughs)

So, ah - what do you have planned for the day?

**LAURIE** :

Same as every day. Lie here, do my nails, avoid talking to you. It’s not going that well so far.

_Kitty crosses to turn off the TV. Laurie makes a hollow gesture of protest, but doesn’t stir from her spot as Kitty joins her on the couch._

**KITTY** :

Honey, you’ve done nothing but party all night and sleep all day for months.

**LAURIE** :

Oh, come on, Mom.

**KITTY** :

Oh, not “come on.” Sweetie, I’m worried about you. The way you’re going, you’re going to end up like...like Aunt Martha.

_Laurie sits up straight._

**LAURIE** :

You think I’ll end up like Fat Martha? With the beer gut?

**KITTY** :

The poor woman couldn’t even play putt-putt.

_Laurie stands._

**LAURIE** :

I can’t believe you’d say that about your own daughter! And I can’t play putt-putt either, but only because it’s really hard to get it in the hole!

_She storms upstairs. Kitty picks up the coffee mug she left behind._

**KITTY** :

Not a problem anyone’s ever had with you, I’m sure.

CUT TO:

**EXT. LAKESIDE - DAY**

_Hyde and Eric unload the van as Donna, Kelso, and JACKIE stand back and take in the small, rickety ICE SHACK sitting on top of the frozen lake. Kelso grins, while the girls look incredulous._

**DONNA** : 

_This_ is your uncle’s cabin?

**KELSO** :

Yeah...now that we’re here, I guess I can tell you that part too. It’s more of an ice shack.

**JACKIE** :

It’s an outhouse!

_Kelso crosses over to a large metal barrel just outside the shack._

**KELSO** :

No, _this_ is the outhouse. And the hot tub.

_The girls glare. They join Eric and Hyde on their way back to the van, but Kelso walks after them._

**KELSO (con’d)** :

It’s for fishing. My uncle comes out here all the time! It’s gonna be a blast. Just us, in this beautiful snow. And we can catch all the fish we want!

**HYDE** :

So, on the ride back from this weekend in Hell, we can enjoy the smell of dead fish the whole way home? Oh, boy!

_Jackie moves to Hyde’s left, as far from Kelso as she can get. Donna takes a step closer to Eric._

**DONNA** :

It’s kind of cold.

**ERIC** :

Oh, here - take my jacket.

_He shrugs his jacket off and drapes it over Donna’s shoulders._

**DONNA** :

I love you!

**ERIC** :

God, were are such the...

_They both turn to look at Kelso._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

...Perfect couple.

_Kelso rolls his eyes. Jackie shivers._

**JACKIE** :

I’m cold, too.

**KELSO** :

Well, damn, Jackie, I can’t control the weather!

_He notices Eric and Donna glaring at him, and the lights click on. He makes a big show of taking his jacket off and presenting it to Jackie._ _It is now her turn to roll her eyes._

**JACKIE** :

Forget it. Donna, let’s go inside.

**DONNA** :

(to Eric)

How does that sound to you, honey?

**ERIC** :

I think that sounds like a great idea, sweetie.

**DONNA** :

Oh my God, let’s go!

_The two of them link hands and follow Jackie towards the ice shack. Kelso starts to follow, but Jackie holds up a hand to stop him._

**JACKIE** :

You’re not coming in.

**KELSO** :

What? Jackie, it’s freezing out here!

**ERIC** :

Well, Kelso, you can always warm yourself up in the hot tub toilet.

_He drums lightly on the rim of the barrel. He disappears inside the shack with Donna. Jackie lingers in the doorway and looks at Hyde, still by the van._

**JACKIE** :

Steven, are you coming?

**HYDE** :

In a bit. Think I’ll fumigate the van for a little while first.

**JACKIE** :

Won’t you be cold?

**HYDE** :

I don’t feel anything.

_He and Jackie look at each other. Jackie breaks away first, disappearing inside the shack and closing the door behind her. Kelso crosses over to Hyde and scoffs._

**KELSO** :

Man, can you believe this? I mean, what’s the point of bringing Eric and Donna along if copying all his dorky moves doesn’t work?

**HYDE** :

Yeah, man. It’s almost as if pretending to be someone you’re not is a bad idea.

**KELSO** :

I know, right? I mean, that’s impossible, but it’s _so_ close to what’s happening here.

_Hyde sighs, claps Kelso on the shoulder, and pulls him along as he steps into the van._

**BUMPER**

**INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY**

_WILLY WONKA continues. The “PURE IMAGINATION” song plays off-screen. Fez is now chewing a piece of bubble gum. As the song’s first three chimes sound, he blows a bubble. On the second three chimes, he sucks the bubble back in his mouth. He repeats this pattern two more times, the bubble getting larger and larger each time, until..._

CUT TO:

_The bubble blows up, becoming a pink BUMPER._

**FEZ (v.o.)** :

Ai!

FADE TO:

**INT. ICE SHACK - EVENING**

_The shack is even dirtier looking on the inside, with various pieces of fishing gear and winter clothing adorning the rough walls. Benches surround three sides of a square cut in the ice. Eric and Donna share the right bench, while Jackie sits on the center one. Eric has a fishing line in the water._

**ERIC** :

(flat)

Boy, ice fishing’s fun. Don’t you just love it here, Donna?

**DONNA** :

Oh, Eric... it doesn’t matter where we are. It’s being together that makes it fun.

**ERIC** :

You’d rather be anywhere else, wouldn’t you?

**DONNA** :

Literally anywhere. You know me so well.

**ERIC** :

Eskimo kiss!

_They start nuzzling noses. Jackie looks on in disgust._

**JACKIE** :

What the hell is with you two today?

_Eric drapes an arm around Donna, and they both smile at Jackie._

**ERIC** :

Oh, didn’t Kelso tell you? We’re the...

(with Donna)

Perfect couple.

**JACKIE** :

Yeah - perfectly nauseating!

**ERIC** :

Well, if you don’t like what you see in here, missy, there’s some beautiful scenery and a wind chill near 10 just waiting for you outside.

**JACKIE** :

At least you’re better company than Michael. God, can you believe that idiot? Who drags all their friends to small, smelly shack like this? I don’t even think we can fit everyone in here!

**ERIC** :

(flat)

Oh, no. How could Kelso make such a terrible mistake?

_Jackie pouts and looks at the door._

**JACKIE** :

What’s keeping Steven?

**ERIC** :

Oh, a little worried about “Steven,” are we?

_Donna swats his chest playfully, and he withdraws his arm from her shoulder._

**DONNA** :

Jackie, we were talking earlier how it’s a little strange you didn’t have anything to say after your date with Hyde.

**JACKIE** :

I didn’t think there was anything to say. I mean, at the time, I thought it was the most romantic moment of my life. Steven was jealous, he defended my honor, he took me out... but when we got to the kiss, there just wasn’t anything there.

**ERIC** :

Wait, so - Hyde can’t french? Well, that is just so good to know.

**JACKIE** :

It wasn’t that, idiot. Steven said he didn’t feel anything either... but only after I said _I_ didn’t feel anything. And just now, when I asked him if he was cold, he said it again. But not like he really didn’t feel anything. More like he was upset.

**ERIC** :

Jackie, to be fair, we’re sitting in a shack we were told was a cabin, with a trash can just outside that’s going to be our toilet and bath for the whole weekend. “Upset” covers pretty much everyone right now.

**JACKIE** :

Oh my God... oh my God, Donna! What if Steven _did_ feel something? And he just covered it up because he’s vulnerable and afraid and thinks no one would ever love him because he’s so poor? Steven!

_She rises and starts for the door, but Donna reaches out to take her sleeve. Jackie sits back down._

**DONNA** :

Okay, Jackie, slow down. Ever since you and Kelso broke up, you’ve been all over the place with guys.

**JACKIE** :

But Donna, I have to talk to Steven. What if -

**DONNA** :

Listen, Jackie. Okay, so maybe you go talk to him, but I’m just saying – maybe some time alone would be good for you.

**ERIC** :

Yeah, Jackie. At least until you find your...

(puts his arm back around Donna)

Perfect couple.

**DONNA** :

(laughs)

Yeah.

(beat)

And, you know. After that, too. Sometimes.

**ERIC** :

What do you mean?

**DONNA** :

Well, Eric, I love you, but I need some time for me too.

**ERIC** :

Yeah, but that’s not what you’re talking about. You’re talking about time to yourself as in, not being with anyone. Are you saying you’d want a break from... from us?

**DONNA** :

Eric, it’s not a big deal. I mean, you need some time to yourself too. It’s not like we go _every_ where together. We don’t go to the bathroom together.

**ERIC** :

(voice breaking)

Well, we’ll have to up here, lady! We don’t have a choice!

CUT TO:

**INT. VAN - EVENING**

_Concurrent with the previous scene. A CIRCLE is in progress, starting on Hyde._

**HYDE** :

Man, Kelso, I am so happy I’m not in your shoes right now. Every part of your plan - the trip, the cabin, copying Forman - has backfired. This was such a good way to blow that poker money!

_Pan to Kelso._

**KELSO** :

Jackie just doesn’t know how much fun ice fishing is. I was out here for four days with my uncle once. He fell in the ice, lost all his fish, and woke up a hibernating bear. I laughed my ass off! And I’m tired of everyone ragging on the shack. It’s cozy.

_Pan to Hyde._

**HYDE** :

Kelso, “cozy” is sharing a bed, or a couch, or the back seat of a Lincoln. If you want to get down and dirty in a place that’s down and dirty, you gotta be up-front about it.

_Pan to Kelso._

**KELSO** :

You’re just not thinking about what you can do when you throw a cot over the ice hole and... wait. Jackie drives her dad’s Lincoln...

_Pan to Hyde._

**HYDE** :

Yeah, well, that’s... whatever. Look, Kelso - why do you even wanna do this, man? You’re still with Laurie, and Jackie’s moving on. Seeing other people. And some of them are pretty cool. Can’t you just give her a break?

_Pan to Kelso._

**KELSO** :

Man, it’s just not the same with Laurie. I mean, I know Jackie. I understand Jackie. And... wait. _You’re_ one of the cool guys who saw Jackie!

_The Circle is broken. Hyde and Kelso stare at each other from opposite ends of the back of the van._

**HYDE** :

What?

**KELSO** :

Yeah, you took her on that date on Veteran’s Day!

**HYDE** :

No I didn’t.

**KELSO** :

You _so_ did! And you’re keeping me in here, when I could be in there doing it!

**HYDE** :

You moron! Did you forget Forman and Donna are in there?

**KELSO** :

You did it with her in the Lincoln, didn’t you? Man, you don’t do that with another guy’s girl! That was where _we_ used to do it!

**HYDE** :

We didn’t do it! And Jackie’s not “your girl” anymore!

**KELSO** :

Well, is she yours?

**HYDE** :

She’s nobody’s, man! She said it herself, the kiss meant nothing!

**KELSO** :

(gasps) 

You’re dead, Hyde!

_Kelso launches himself across the van at Hyde, and the two begin wrestling. Hyde strikes Kelso in the head right as the van begins to rock violently. The boys stop their fight, look at each other, and bolt for the exit._

CUT TO:

**EXT. ICE SHACK - EVENING**

_The door to the shack opens, and Eric, Donna, and Jackie spill out just as Hyde and Kelso leap out of the back of the van. Hyde’s sunglasses are crooked and he holds his right hand in his left. Kelso has his right hand over his right eye. The cracking sound continues._

**ERIC** :

You guys, what happened?

**KELSO** :

I don’t know. All of a sudden, the van just started shaking!

**HYDE** : 

“All of a sudden?” You jumped me, you tool!

**DONNA** :

Uh...guys?

_Everyone turns to watch as Kelso’s van slowly sinks into the ice. Kelso looks horrified, while the others seem torn between anger and schadenfreude._

_A splash of water shoots up as the van begins sinking quicker. Everyone takes a step back. Kelso looks around pleadingly, to no avail. The van disappears beneath the water._

**HYDE** :

Man, this master plan just keeps getting better and better. For me.

**JACKIE** :

(to Kelso)

Michael, what “master plan?”

**KELSO** :

Who cares, Jackie? I’m losing my van!

_Jackie pouts at Kelso as he stares at the hole where his van used to be. Hyde rubs his right hand, and Eric and Donna glare at each other._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

**INT. ICE SHACK - NIGHT**

_Later that night. Donna sits on the right bench alone, while Jackie and Hyde share the left bench. Donna has her arms crossed, and Jackie watches while Hyde holds a cold beer can to the knuckles of his right hand._

_Someone bangs on the door._

**KELSO (v.o.)** :

Okay guys, I’m getting _really_ tired of being kicked out of my shack!

_No one even looks up._

**ERIC (v.o.)** :

Donna? Honey? I think this is enough alone time for one night, okay?

**DONNA** :

(stands)

Can it, you dill holes!

_She sits back down._

**JACKIE** :

God, how could Michael think this would win me back? After all the crap he did, it’d take a ski trip to Aspen before I’d even consider letting him touch me again.

**HYDE** :

You mean you’d consider it at all?

**JACKIE** :

(beat)

No. Why, do you care?

**HYDE** :

Whatever.

_They look away from each other. Another knock comes to the door._

**ERIC (v.o.)** :

Okay, we’re gonna go for help, but just so you know - Kelso’s already talking about sharing warmth, and I don’t know how long this walk is, so you just think about _that_ during your alone time, missy!

_Donna, Jackie, and Hyde all share looks of disgust._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM - NIGHT**

_Kitty paces behind the couch nervously while RED sits in his chair, reading the paper. Laurie enters from the stairs._

**LAURIE** :

Alright, I’m here. Let’s get this over with.

_She throws herself down on the couch._

**KITTY** :

Good evening to you too. Honey, we feel that you need some direction in your life.

**RED** :

(not looking up)

And by we, she means her.

_Kitty scowls at Red before turning back to Laurie._

**KITTY** :

Laurie, you have no future ahead of you, and you have nothing in your life right now. Just look at how you spent today. You sat around, watched TV, and drank all your father’s beer.

**RED** :

(looks up)

And in the future, Laurie - _always_ save one beer for Daddy.

**LAURIE** :

(to Kitty)

Look, will you get off my back? I have a plan for my future, all right? Find a guy who’s loaded and get married.

**KITTY** :

You? Married? I think you left out the part about the unexpected pregnancy and the quickie divorce for your fiancé!

**RED** :

See, Kitty? She has it all worked out. She’ll find someone who’s nice, and... not Kelso. Someone who can take care of her.

**LAURIE** :

Exactly!

(beat)

But - Daddy, I _could_ have a career of my own if I wanted, right?

**RED** :

(beat)

Well, sure. I just don’t want you to set yourself up for... like what happened at the college. If you set the bar too high, the fall might be... you’re just so pretty!

**KITTY** :

Oh, I give up.

_She storms upstairs. Red stands._

**RED** :

Kitty, wait!

(to Laurie)

Here’s five dollars.

_He slips her a five and runs after his wife. Laurie stares at the money and sighs._

_The doorbell rings. Laurie stands and crosses to the door. She opens it to reveal Fez, his face and hair a sticky pink mess of bubble gum._

**LAURIE** :

What the hell happened to you?

**FEZ** :

Please don’t laugh. They all laughed. The audience, the usher, the ticket boy... even the Oompa-Loompas seemed to mock me with their doompaty-doo-doo.

_Laurie bites her finger to keep back a laugh._

**FEZ (cont’d)** :

I cannot get the sticky out! Help me, please?

**LAURIE** :

(shrugs)

Well, at least someone’s day sucks worse than mine. Get in here.

_She takes Fez by the shoulder and pulls him inside. She struggles to get her hand free. Once she does, she lightly pokes him in the back with one finger to guide him into the kitchen._

CUT TO:

**INT. ICE SHACK - NIGHT**

_Donna stands and looks out the window. Hyde and Jackie still share the left bench. Hyde now drinks his beer, while Jackie holds his right hand and examines his knuckles._

**JACKIE** :

What I don’t understand, Steven, is why you’d even come on this stupid trip if you didn’t care about what Michael was up to.

**HYDE** :

Have you been sleeping? Gilligan screws up less than Kelso. This is prime-time entertainment here - with beer.

_He holds up his can and takes a sip._

**JACKIE** :

Then why did you keep Michael outside instead of watching him try something with me? And –

(holds up Hyde’s hand)

What were you two fighting about in the van?

**HYDE** :

(beat)

Boy, Forman’s sure been gone a long time, huh, Donna?

**DONNA** :

Yeah. I hope he’s okay. But what did he have to get so worked up for? I’m with him. I love him. Why can’t he see that “time alone” for me doesn’t mean “time broken up from him?”

**HYDE** :

Come on, Donna. Give him a break. Forman’s still in shock you’re even with him. So just ‘cause he’s a little insecure, you leave him out there with Kelso? I don’t know what that guy meant by “sharing warmth,” but whatever it is, Forman’s not gonna like it.

**DONNA** :

(laughs)

Okay, maybe that was a little much.

(looks back to window)

I wish they’d get back soon.

**JACKIE** :

(to Hyde)

And what about your insecurities, Steven? Did you or did you not feel something after our date?

**HYDE** :

Does it matter? You didn’t feel anything.

**JACKIE** :

Well...

**HYDE** :

'Well?' What do you mean, 'well?' You're gonna tell me you did feel something now?

**JACKIE** :

(beat)

Ugh, I don’t know anymore! Everything is a mess! Michael’s still after me, Fez was after me, I was after you but you didn’t want me, then I thought I didn’t feel anything with you and you said you didn’t either but I think you did, and Donna says I should take a break and be alone even though I don’t want to be, and I’m wet and hungry and I hate the smell of dead fish!

_Jackie throws Hyde’s hand away, screams, and buries her face in her hands. Hyde turns to look at her._

**HYDE** :

All right, fine, Jackie. You wanna know? I feel...

_He looks to Donna, who shakes her head._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

I feel... I feel like Donna’s right, man. All this crap with Kelso and Fez and... forget it, man. Take some time for yourself.

_Donna gives a small nod. Jackie looks to Hyde._

**JACKIE** :

Is that all you feel?

**HYDE** :

No... I feel like I busted my hand on Kelso’s head.

_Donna laughs as Hyde bends down to put his hand on the ice._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM - NIGHT**

_Red leads Kitty back down the stairs._

**RED** :

Now, try not to worry so much, Kitty. Laurie’s just our little girl, after all.

**KITTY** :

She was a little girl ten years ago, Red. She is a woman, and that woman is going to end up with a beer gut and gout.

_Red sighs. He takes Kitty over to the couch, and they both sit down._

_Laurie bursts in from the kitchen._

**LAURIE** :

(to Kitty)

Okay, look. The reason I haven’t done anything with my life is because I didn’t know what I wanted to do.

**KITTY** :

Well, sweetie, the post office has a dental plan that’s -

**LAURIE** :

Shhh! But earlier tonight, something happened that made me realize my passion: hair!

**KITTY** :

(beat)

The musical?

**LAURIE** :

No! (she tugs on her hair) Hair! Look!

_She steps to the right of the kitchen door and holds out her hands in presentation. Fez steps out, with a short, closely-cropped hairstyle. All trace of gum is gone. He stands with his hands on his hips and a very satisfied expression._

**LAURIE (cont’d)** :

Fez had an accident, and I fixed it! And when I thought about it, I could see that this is where all my talents were! Mom, Daddy - I’m going to beauty school!

**KITTY** :

This isn’t something you do through the mail, is it?

**LAURIE** :

No. It’s a real school!

**KITTY** :

Oh. Well... yay!

_She starts applauding._

**RED** :

Congratulations, sweetheart!

**LAURIE** :

Thanks, Daddy!

(to Fez)

Come on, Fez. Let me practice a manicure on you, and I’ll introduce you to my easy friend Susanne.

_Fez grins, and lets Laurie usher him back into the kitchen._

**RED** :

So, Kitty, what do you think?

**KITTY** :

Eh.

**RED** :

Yeah.

_He turns on the TV, and they settle down on the couch._

CUT TO:

**INT. ICE SHACK - NIGHT**

_Everyone is still in their same places. A knock sounds at the door. Donna hurries to unlock it. Eric is waiting outside, his cheeks and nose red with the cold and frost caked in his hair._

**DONNA** :

Oh my God. Are you all right?

**ERIC** :

Oh, yeah. Three-mile walk to the nearest rest stop, three miles back, snow, wind chill, Kelso trying to cuddle the whole way. No big deal.

_Donna cups his head in her hands and kisses him._

**DONNA** :

Eric, I’m sorry.

**ERIC** :

(beat)

Me too.

(gestures over his shoulder)

One of the truckers offered us a ride. He’s waiting outside.

**DONNA** :

My hero.

**ERIC** :

Perfect couple?

_They share another Eskimo kiss, gather up their things, and head outside. Jackie and Hyde stand. As Jackie collects her bag, Hyde takes his jacket off and puts it around her. She looks at him._

**HYDE** :

(shrugs)

You looked kind of cold.

**JACKIE** :

Thank you.

_She briefly places a hand on his cheek. They get their things and head outside._

CUT TO:

**EXT. ICE SHACK - NIGHT**

_Kelso is standing right by the doorway of the shack as Hyde and Jackie leave. He notices Hyde’s coat around Jackie, and that the two are walking closely together and smiling at one another. He gasps in shock._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**CREDITS**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT**

_Fez, in his new haircut with Eric’s bathrobe over his clothes and Red’s hat in his hands, dances around the basement while “I’VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET” plays on the record player. He uses a pool cue as a cane._

**RECORD (aud. only):**

_I never dreamed that I would climb_

_Over the moon in ecstasy_

_But nevertheless, it’s there that I’m shortly about to be_

_‘Cause I’ve got a golden ticket_

_I’ve got a golden chance to make my way_

_And with a golden ticket, it’s a golden day!_

**END.**


	2. J/H 3-10: Fez Gets the Girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Following along with the production order rather than the air dates, we now come to "Fez Gets The Girl." There's not as much re-worked material here; I've left the "A" story with Red and Eric untouched, and the "B" story with Fez and Caroline has only minor adjustments. I've kept everything, however, to provide context and to try and simulate a proper 22-minute episode (that won't always be the case, but it made sense here because of the way the different plots transition into one another and overlap). 
> 
> Now, as for the stuff that I DID re-write...well, read on, my friends. There's quite the game afoot...

**SHOW TITLE**

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - DAY**

_The boys are gathered around the Vista Cruiser. ERIC leans inside from the open driver’s seat window, working on the speakers._

**HYDE** :

Where’s the tunes, Forman?

**ERIC** :

Hang on, you guys. Just one more wire here.

**FEZ** :

I learned how to speak English faster than this.

**KELSO** :

Fez, it’s not real English if you speak it with a foreign accent. Geez.

_Eric finishes his adjustments. ROCK MUSIC plays loudly from the car. The boys all smile and start to head bang._

**ERIC** :

Aren’t these the coolest?

**FEZ** :

I can’t hear you.

**ERIC** :

I know! They’re the greatest speakers ever!

_Eric jumps onto the hood of the car, slides down to the end, and starts playing air guitar._

_RED, dressed for work, steps out from the kitchen. He stares at his son and rolls his eyes._

**RED** :

Eric!

_Eric, not hearing, continues to jam. The other boys retreat through the garage. Red crosses to the car and shuts off the radio. Eric, finally noticing his father, sits upright on the hood of the car._

**ERIC** :

Oh, hey, Dad. Sorry. Didn’t see you there.

**RED** :

Well, I guess ‘cause you were too busy making an ass of yourself.

**ERIC** :

Actually, I was trying out my new speakers. What do you think?

**RED** :

New speakers? What was wrong with the old ones? Those were genuine GM parts!

**ERIC** :

(beat)

Uh... these are louder.

**RED** :

Yeah, well – just keep your monkey music turned down. And go grab your smock. We gotta go to work.

_Eric hops off the car and heads inside._

**BOB (v.o.)** :

Hey, Red! Is that you?

**RED** :

Oh, cripes.

_Red leans into the car and turns the speakers back on, at full volume, just as BOB enters. He smiles and leans on the passenger’s side door._

**BOB** :

(to Red) 

Hiya, neighbor!

**RED** :

Can’t hear you, Bob. I’m testing out Eric’s new speakers.

_Bob looks confused and wanders off the way he came. Once he leaves the driveway, Red turns the radio off and smiles._

**RED** :

(indicates the speakers)

Not bad.

**MAIN CREDITS**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - EVENING**

_Red and Eric sit at the dining table, eating their dinners. KITTY crosses from the counter to the table as Red talks._

**RED** :

Boy, quite a day at Price Mart, Kitty. First, the price of light bulbs dropped two cents, then Eric was made employee of the month, and to top it off, they added Cheez-Its to the vending machine.

_Eric looks up from his plate._

**ERIC** :

Are you serious?

**RED** :

Yep. Tiny little squares with the cheese flavor baked right in.

**ERIC** :

Am I really Price Mart employee of the month?

**RED** :

You sure are. 

_Kitty applauds wildly._

**KITTY:**

Yay!

**RED** :

(to Eric)

And they even decided to throw in an extra 25 cents an hour.

**ERIC** :

Oh, yes!

**RED** :

I gotta admit, Eric. I had my doubts, but hell, you’ve hardly embarrassed me.

**ERIC** :

(beat)

Thanks, Dad. Oh, this is great. Whoo! Price Mart rocks!

_LAURIE enters from the living room and joins the family at the table._

**KITTY** :

Oh, Laurie, tell everyone your good news.

**LAURIE** :

I just finished my first two weeks of cosmetology school!

**KITTY** :

And she didn’t flunk out! Isn’t that great?

**RED** :

(to Laurie)

That is great, honey. Nice job.

_Red leans over and gives Laurie a kiss on the cheek._

**LAURIE** :

Thanks, Daddy. But I’m a little worried. We’re not allowed to practice on dummies anymore and I can’t find anyone who’ll let me style their hair for my next exam.

**KITTY** :

Oh, honey, you’ll do fine. We’re all here to support you.

**LAURIE** :

Great. So, you don’t mind being my model?

**KITTY** :

(quickly)

Oh, honey, no, no. I go to the beauty parlor. Maybe Eric can help out.

**ERIC** :

Oh, sure. Laurie, first of all – always run with scissors.

_Laurie makes a face at him._

**KITTY** :

(to Eric)

Boy, I never get tired of your sarcasm.

**ERIC** :

Really?

_Red clears his throat._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Sorry.

**KITTY** :

Red, would you like to be a hair model?

**RED** :

Kitty, I would like to have hair. Period. But I don’t. So, no.

_Red pats Laurie on the back, then stands and heads for the counter._

**LAURIE** :

It’s fine, Mom. I’ll just get Kelso to do it. He shorted out my hair dryer last week when we were all done -

_She looks over at Red, who glares back._

**LAURIE (cont’d)** :

... “talking,” so he owes me one.

**KITTY** :

(beat)

Well, that’s very nice.

**RED** :

Sure it is, kitten. And hey, you’ll be practicing on a dummy after all.

_He and Eric both laugh._

**ERIC** :

All right, Dad!

_He points to Red, who salutes with a beer can. They keep laughing while Laurie scowls and Kitty goes back to her dinner._

CUT TO:

**INT. THE HUB - NIGHT**

_A quiet night at the Hub. The gang have two small tables pulled together. Eric, KELSO, and FEZ sit around one, with Eric backwards in his chair as Kelso and Fez both sip at their sodas. HYDE and JACKIE sit on opposite sides of the other table, bent over a beat-up chess board and set._

_The chess game is clearly in Hyde’s favor. Jackie hesitantly reaches for one of the white bishops and pushes it forward._

**HYDE** : 

Can’t move that way.

_Jackie pouts. She sets the bishop back and picks up a white knight._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

No.

_Jackie’s pout deepens. She tries to pull a rook diagonally._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

No.

_With more force than necessary, Jackie slams the rook back on the board, picks up a white pawn, and takes a black pawn._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

There you go.

_He moves a black bishop to take the square Jackie’s pawn was just on._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

Checkmate.

_He laughs and Jackie groans._

**JACKIE** :

Steven, this game is so stupid!

**HYDE** :

Nah, man. It’s the game of kings.

**JACKIE** :

Oh yeah?

(lifts her king)

Then why can’t the king do anything? The queen –

(holds up her queen)

Has all the power, does all the work, and –

(looks at the queen)

Deserves a way prettier crown.

_She sets the pieces back down and crosses her arms. Hyde shrugs and turns toward the guys._

**ERIC** :

So, guys, not only are they gonna hang my picture in front of the store, but I also get to represent our entire district in the national Price Mart Olympics.

_Everyone gives disinterested nods. Jackie starts resetting the chess pieces._

**FEZ** :

That’s nice.

(beat)

Do you think I would choke to death if I swallowed my straw?

**KELSO** :

No, it’s got a breathing hole.

_Fez takes his straw from his soda cup and puts it in his mouth._

**ERIC/HYDE/JACKIE** :

Fez, no.

_Reluctantly, Fez puts his straw back in his cup._

_From the table behind the gang, an ATTRACTIVE BLONDE stands and crosses to the juke box, sparing a look Fez’s way as she passes him. Fez sits up straight as she leans on the juke box._

**FEZ** : 

Oh, my God. There she is.

**JACKIE** :

Who is that?

**FEZ** :

The new girl, Caroline. She transferred here from Sacred Heart. Or Heaven, I’m not sure which. We have gym together. She barely sweats. Some day, I will make her my bride.

**HYDE** :

Yep, no one likes a sweaty bride.

_The guys all mutter in agreement, while Jackie rolls her eyes._

**HYDE (con’d)** :

Hey, why don’t you go talk to her, man?

**FEZ** :

Oh, I...

_He trails off into nervous mumbling. Pop music begins to play._

CUT TO:

_FANTASY SEQUENCE. The Hub is dark, save for two spotlights, one on CAROLINE and the other on Fez. He rises, crosses to Caroline, and spins her around to face him._

**FEZ** :

You’re the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

**CAROLINE** :

Thank you. Your cocoa-brown skin makes me hot.

**FEZ** :

I know. I am irresistible. Would you like to dance?

_Caroline nods. They begin to dance, the spotlights following their steps. After a twirl, they separate, Caroline returning to the juke box and Fez to his seat._

CUT TO:

_Back in the real world. Fez sucks nervously on his soda._

**HYDE** :

Hey. Why don’t you go talk to her, man?

**FEZ** :

Oh, I don’t know, Hyde. I can’t. I don’t understand this. Usually, I am... I am suave, I am silky.

_The gang stares._

**FEZ (cont’d)** :

But this girl makes me... I have to go to the bathroom.

_Fez quickly stands and moves to the bathroom, taking his soda with him._

**ERIC** :

Anyway, getting back to Price Mart –

**HYDE/KELSO/JACKIE** :

Shut up!

**ERIC** :

Yeah.

_DONNA enters through the Hub door. She hurries over to the gang and takes Fez’s empty chair._

**DONNA** :

Oh, my God. You guys are never gonna believe this.

**ERIC** :

Wait, no – me first.

**DONNA** :

Okay, go.

**ERIC** :

Okay. I, Eric Forman – your boyfriend – am Price Mart’s newest employee of the month.

**DONNA** :

(beat)

Eric, that’s great. Are you done?

**ERIC** :

Oh, yeah. Top that, cupcake.

**DONNA** :

Okay. Kat Peterson’s parents are out of town this Saturday, and she’s throwing a huge party. Two bucks a head, anyone’s in, and – seven minutes in heaven. But instead of a closet, it’s in the guest bedroom.

**KELSO** :

All right!

_He stands and hollers. Jackie and Hyde both nod and smile. Eric slowly stands, mouth open._

**DONNA** :

(to Eric)

You and me – we’re going.

**ERIC** :

Oh, my God, no. Did you say Saturday? I... I can’t go Saturday. It’s inventory night. It’s mandatory.

**DONNA** :

Skip it, Eric. We both need this party. Call in sick. Tell them your grandma died.

(snaps fingers)

Burn down the store.

**ERIC** :

You’re right. You know what? I’m going.

_Donna snaps her fingers again and grins._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Ah, I can’t go.

_He slumps back down in his chair. Slowly, so does Kelso._

**KELSO** :

Man, Saturday night? I’m out too. That’s the night Laurie’s doing my hair.

_Everyone turns to stare at Kelso. He looks around at all of them, pouting._

**KELSO** :

It’s for her beauty school classes. Education is important, people!

**ERIC** :

(stands)

No, I am going!

(sits)

Ah, I can’t go.

**DONNA** :

Are you sure?

**ERIC** :

Yeah, I can’t. You know, everyone has to work. No exceptions. Plus, Red and I – we’re both kind of supervising.

**HYDE** :

Corporate America claims another victim.

**DONNA** :

Eric, it’s okay. You’re a really responsible guy. I love and hate that about you.

**KELSO** :

Okay, you know what? I’m not embarrassed that Laurie’s doing my hair. Yeah, ‘cause everybody goes to get their hair cut anyway, and if I have my girlfriend do it – well, then, that just saves money. And it gets expensive, staying this pretty.

_He points to his head as he shakes it, tossing his bangs to and fro._

_Jackie tugs on Hyde’s arm and points to the reset chess board._

**JACKIE** :

Okay, Steven. Try to beat me now.

_She confidently moves a pawn forward. Hyde calmly moves one of his forward. Jackie advances another pawn. Hyde, having freed his queen, moves it into the Fool’s Mate._

**HYDE** :

Checkmate.

_He grins as Jackie gasps, covers her mouth, and looks back and forth from Hyde to the chess board._

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY**

_The next morning. Laurie is rifling through a large bag full of beauty products on the table. All around her are hot rollers, styling wands, brushes, applicators, scissors, and hairspray cans, all immaculately clean._

_Kitty enters from the living room, sees Laurie, and chuckles._

**KITTY** :

Well, now. This is nice. Look at you, getting all your things nice and ready for your big exam.

**LAURIE** :

Oh, no, Mom. This is all mine.

_Kitty glances, disbelievingly, at the mess on her table._

**LAURIE (cont’d)** :

Yeah... I should probably find something to use on Kelso, huh?

_Kitty shakes her head and returns to the living room. Laurie shrugs and goes back to rifling through her things._

CUT TO:

**INT. SMILEY’S – DAY**

_Early afternoon at a small local diner. Red and Eric sit at a small table, their meals finished. Eric stares off into space, a look of pride on his face, as Red chews on a toothpick._

_Eric turns to his dad and lifts up a KEYCHAIN._

**ERIC** :

Oh, hey, did you see this? They gave me a Price Mart keychain. It’s got a knife and everything. Yeah, I keep it in my pocket. Some of the other guys get jealous.

_Red takes the toothpick from his mouth._

**RED** :

Look, Eric. I know you’re very excited about your raise and everything, but I don’t want you to get too caught up in this.

**ERIC** :

Don’t worry, Dad. I’m not about to alienate my fellow employees with my award-winning work ethic. I read the signs in the breakroom. There’s no “I” in teamwork.

_Red shakes his head. THE WAITRESS comes and presents him with the check._

**WAITRESS** :

Here’s your check, sir, and thank you for eating at Smiley’s.

_Eric reaches for the check. Red slaps his hand down on it._

**RED** :

(laughs)

Very funny.

**ERIC** :

You know what, Dad? I got this.

**RED** :

(beat)

Take your hand off the check.

_Eric stares at Red, refusing to let go. Red stares back and tugs at the check._

**WAITRESS** :

I’ll come back.

_She walks off, as Eric and Red continue to stare each other down._

CUT TO:

**INT. THE HUB – DAY**

_Early afternoon, with steady business. Jackie and Hyde sit at a table against the wall, with Jackie in the booth seat. The chess board is between them again._

**HYDE** :

Okay, let’s review. The bishop –

(lifts one)

Moves on the diagonal, the rook –

(lifts one)

Horizontal and vertical, and the knight –

(lifts one)

Can jump with a two-and-one L move.

**JACKIE** :

(lifts her knight)

Why is this only a horse’s head? How is he supposed to gallop to the queen’s rescue? And _where_ are the prince and princess pieces?

_Hyde sighs and takes the knight from Jackie, placing it back on the board._

_Donna and Fez stand at the food counter waiting for their order. In front of them sits Caroline, studying. Donna notices, and points her out to Fez._

**DONNA** :

Fez, is that her?

**FEZ** :

Yes. I wish I could go talk to her, but I get so nervous.

**DONNA** :

Fez, you shouldn’t be nervous. You’re awesome. What girl wouldn’t wanna be with you?

**FEZ** :

Well, there is Jackie, Laurie, this girl from gym, another girl from chemistry, Country-Western star Tanya Tucker, who does not answer her letters, and, uh –

**DONNA** :

Okay, stop. Whatever happened to suave, silky Fez?

**FEZ** :

You’re right. I forgot about him. He’s hot.

**DONNA** :

Exactly. So, go get her, Fez.

_Donna pats Fez on the back and crosses to their table to join Jackie on the booth seat. Fez clears his throat and walks over to Caroline._

**FEZ** : 

Caroline, it is Fez. May I sit?

_Caroline looks up and nods eagerly. Fez pulls the free chair out and goes to sit down, but knocks Caroline’s food on the floor and misses the seat of the chair, falling to the ground. He immediately stands up, not meeting Caroline’s eyes._

**FEZ** :

Okay, thank you.

_Fez crosses to the bathroom door, pauses to glare at Donna._

**FEZ** :

Great idea, Donna!

_He disappears into the bathroom as Jackie, Hyde, and Donna choke down laughter. Jackie pats Donna on the shoulder._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY**

_Later in the afternoon. Kitty scrubs the counter. Eric and Red enter from the patio door, mid-argument._

**ERIC** :

Well, excuse me for trying to buy a co-worker lunch.

_He shrugs his coat off._

**RED:**

I am not your co-worker. You’re a high school kid with a part-time job. You’re temporary!

**KITTY** :

Uh-oh! You know what ends fights? Pudding. Just give me seven minutes.

_She moves to get the ingredients from the cupboard. Eric and Red cross past the counter._

**RED** :

Eric, you’ve gotta stop acting like a big shot. You’re not the king of the world, you know.

**ERIC** :

I’m employee of the month. I don’t have to take this.

_He exits into the living room. Kitty, with milk and pudding mix, moves to the island._

**RED** :

This is no good, Kitty.

**KITTY** :

Well, what are you gonna do, Red? He’s growing up. There are worse things he could be than a little too proud of his first real job.

**RED** :

Oh, yeah? Like what?

_Kelso enters from the patio door and pats Red on the shoulder._

**KELSO** :

Hey, Red. Is Laurie home?

_Red and Kitty both slowly turn to look at Kelso. Red’s eyes dart from Kelso’s face to his hand on Red’s shoulder. Kelso withdraws his hand and hurries out of the kitchen into the living room._

**BUMPER**

**INT. LAURIE’S ROOM - DAY**

_Kelso sits in a chair at the vanity. He bounces in his seat, a big smile on his face, as Laurie cleans a hairbrush._

_Kelso looks up, sees Laurie is busy. With a sneaky expression, he slowly reaches for a pair of scissors on the vanity. He picks them up and starts to snip happily at the air._

_Laurie, hearing the sound, smacks Kelso in the back of the head and takes the scissors from him._

**LAURIE** :

I said, don’t touch anything!

_She goes back to her brush as Kelso sinks lower into the chair._

CUT TO:

**INT. THE HUB - DAY**

_Jackie and Donna are still at the wall table. Donna has taken Hyde’s place in the chess game. She moves a white piece, and Jackie moves a black piece into check._

**JACKIE** :

Oh, my God! That’s check, right? I did it, Donna! I did it! Check, check, check!

_She claps and wiggles in her chair. Donna laughs and moves out of check._

**DONNA** :

Jackie, since when do you play chess?

**JACKIE** :

Oh, Steven started teaching me a few days ago. Yeah, I wanted to play Mystery Date, but Steven said that if I so much as opened that game within ten feet of him, all the dates but the dud would never be seen or heard from again.

_Donna laughs again, stands, and heads into the bathroom. Hyde, returning from the counter, takes her place._

**JACKIE** :

So, Steven – I checked your king. Yeah, that’s right. I’m coming atcha. Let’s see you win now.

_Hyde studies the board for a moment. He reaches out, his hand hesitating. Jackie grins. Hyde looks up at her, grins back, and moves his king, freeing his rook to form checkmate._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

Oh, come on!

CUT TO:

**INT. HUB BATHROOM - DAY**

_Donna adjusts her hair. Caroline enters and comes up behind Donna, who sees her in the mirror._

**DONNA** :

Hi.

**CAROLINE** :

Hi. You’re Donna, right?

**DONNA** :

Yeah, yeah.

**CAROLINE** :

I’m Caroline. I think we have Spanish together.

**DONNA** :

Oh, yeah. Hi.

**CAROLINE** :

 _Hola._ Um... you know that foreign guy you’re always hanging out with?

**DONNA** :

Fez?

**CAROLINE** :

Yeah, Fez. Um, is he... does he...

**DONNA** :

Oh, my God. You like Fez? Oh, my God! Come on, I’ll introduce you to him.

**CAROLINE:**

Oh, no, no. That’s okay. I just wanted to... I gotta go. Use the _bano_.

_Caroline rushes into the stall. There is a banging sound on the walls._

**CAROLINE (v.o.)** :

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

_Donna looks to the stall, then outward in thought._

CUT TO:

**INT. LAURIE’S ROOM – NIGHT**

_Saturday night. Kelso’s styling is in progress. He is once again sitting at the vanity, a barber’s cape around him. His hair is wet and combed back. Laurie balances a pair of scissors and a comb in one hand and takes up a section of hair with the other, complicated by Kelso moving around. Just as she gets a section and moves to cut it, Kelso pulls away, smiling._

**KELSO** :

Man, I love getting my hair done. Really makes you feel good, you know?

_Laurie gives him a curt smile and nod, moves to take a section of hair. Kelso pulls away again._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

Yeah, I’ve loved it ever since I was a kid. Going to the barber shop, getting all trimmed and cleaned up... plus, they had this lady barber with huge boobs. I used to check ‘em out in the mirror while she cut my hair.

_He chuckles at the memory. Laurie grabs his head hard to steady him and takes a section of hair. She is just about to trim it when Kelso starts rocking back and forth in the chair._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

Oh, and the best part? At the end of every haircut, they’d give me a lollipop.

_He turns around to look at Laurie expectantly._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

Do you have lollipops?

**LAURIE** :

SHUT UP!

_She grabs his head with both hands, yanks it forward, and locks it in place as well as she can with her elbows as she starts to trim a section of his hair._

_Kelso’s eyes dart around the mirror of the vanity, and he starts to laugh._

**KELSO** :

You know, the lady barber used to wear the same kind of sweaters in the winter. But that didn’t stop me.

_Laurie slaps him on the back of the head with her comb, then goes back to work._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT**

_Red, dressed for work, is asleep in his chair, a magazine in his lap. Slow zoom in as we cut to:_

**INT. PRICE MART – DAY**

_DREAM SEQUENCE. A badly-aged Red, now a janitor in a smock, has his ear to the break room door. He goes back to mopping as it opens. A grayed, pale Eric steps out, in a Price Mart manager’s suit._

**ERIC** :

Hey, Dad. Good news. Just got another raise.

**RED** :

Well, good for you.

(aside)

You dumb bastard.

**ERIC** :

Yeah, I tell ya. If they keep throwing money at me like this, I might be able to get my own apartment soon.

_Red rolls his eyes._

**RED** :

For God’s sake, you’re 57 years old!

**ERIC** :

Oh...

_Red takes Eric’s shoulder and shakes it gently._

**RED** :

Eric, why didn’t you listen to me? If you’d gone to college, you could’ve really been something.

**ERIC** :

Been something? Whoa. You’re talking to the interim assistant weekend manager of housewares here, okay? Yeah. Show some respect.

**RED** :

Well, aren’t you just the president of Turd Town?

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM - NIGHT**

_Red jerks awake. He shakes his head, stands, and starts to pace._

_Eric, also dressed for work, enters from the kitchen._

**ERIC** :

Dad, I’ve been thinking about why you went so crazy and yelled at me, and I’ve come to the conclusion that you’re crazy and you like to yell at me.

_Red puts a hand on Eric’s shoulder._

**RED** :

There’s something you gotta know. You’re... well... you’re an idiot.

**ERIC** :

(beat)

Oh, great. A pep talk.

**RED** :

Sit down.

_They both sit on the couch._

**RED (cont’d)** :

When I was your age, I thought I had it all, too. Great job at the plants, nice steady paycheck. Just enough to, you know, string me along for 30 years or so, and for what? So they could toss me out on my ass when things got tough.

**ERIC** :

Dad, I’m not gonna -

**RED** :

Look. Don’t get me wrong. I admire your work ethic, but you deserve better than Price Mart. You’re a smart guy. And I’m... I’m proud of you.

_He stands, and Eric follows._

**ERIC** :

Whoa! Really? You... you think I’m smart? You’re proud of me?

**RED** :

Oh, jeez. What, you gonna ruin this now by talking?

**ERIC** :

Listen, Dad... if I’m still working at Price Mart when I’m your – older – please, kill me.

**RED** :

You don’t have to ask twice, Son.

_Eric laughs._

**ERIC** :

Ah, yes. That’s my dad.

_They both laugh as Red pats Eric’s shoulder again._

_A scream sounds, and they both look to the stairs._

**KELSO (v.o.)** :

Laurie, no! A cut and a style is one thing, but _that_ is where I draw the line!

**LAURIE (v.o.)** :

It’s part of the exam, you idiot! Now, sit down!

**KELSO (v.o.)** :

NO! Get away!

_Kelso, still wearing the barber’s cape, his hair wet and slicked back, races down the stairs, tripping at the bottom. He struggles to disentangle himself from the cape. Laurie starts down the stairs after him, an applicator in her hand. Kelso tears the cape off, throws it at her, races through the living room, and disappears into the kitchen. Laurie runs to the middle of the living room and stomps her foot._

**LAURIE** :

(after Kelso)

Get back here!

_She stomps her foot again, sighs, and looks over at Red._

**LAURIE (cont’d)** :

(to Red)

Daddy – would you like to be a blonde?

_Eric chuckles as Red puts a hand over his face and sinks down into the couch._

CUT TO:

**INT. PETERSON HOUSE - NIGHT**

_A rocking party is underway. Rock music plays in the background, teens dance where they stand, and a large keg is set up in the hallway._

_Donna and Fez, both with beer cups in hand, move down the hall. Donna guides Fez to an unassuming door._

**FEZ** :

Oh, Donna, I don’t know about this.

**DONNA** :

Fez, relax. You’ll love this. Trust me.

**FEZ** :

Okay. I trust you. But there is no penalty in this game if I can’t do it for all the seven minutes, right?

_Donna laughs and pats Fez on the back. She opens the door and gives Fez a nudge inside._

CUT TO:

**INT. GUEST BEDROOM – NIGHT**

_The guest bed is neatly made, and the room is lit with many candles on the dressers and nightstands. Caroline is pacing up and down the room. She stops as Fez enters. They smile at one another, and both move to sit on the bed, a few inches apart. They both look straight ahead._

FADE TO:

_Some moments later. They both still look straight ahead, but Caroline’s head is resting on Fez’s shoulder. Fez reaches out with his hand to take Caroline’s. They look at each other and smile._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**CREDITS**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT**

_Hyde is in his chair, and Jackie is on the couch. A chess board rests on the table between them. Hyde is down to his king, while Jackie has her king, queen, and both knights. She titters with excitement._

**JACKIE** :

Well, did I do it? Huh?

**HYDE** :

(beat)

Queen and knight checkmate.

_Jackie screams and throw her hands in the air. Hyde topples his king over and nods._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

You’re getting the hang of it, man.

**JACKIE** :

Yeah, so, what really helped me was to think of the queen (picks queen up) as me, the castles (picks rook up) as tough back-up like Donna, the horses (picks knight up) as unicorns, and your pieces (indicates Hyde’s king) as a bunch of dirty little Michaels.

_She claps and bends over the game, while Hyde sits back in his chair._

**END.**


	3. J/H 3-16: Romantic Weekend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Movin' right along...
> 
> Following the production order, this timeline leaves "Hyde's Christmas Rager," "Dine and Dash," "Donna's Panties," "Who Wants It More," and "Radio Daze" just as they are, no change in order and no changes in story. That's especially important to remember about "Donna's Panties," given the "B" story there with Kelso.
> 
> That brings us to 3-16, "Romantic Weekend." Just like last time, the "A" story has been left alone and included for context. The "B" story, however, is completely new and all about the Zen...with some basic tenants borrowed from a later episode (and how does that affect said later episode? Keep reading...)

**SHOW TITLE**

**INT. GYM - DAY**

_The school auditorium. The bleachers are filled with students decked out in green and gold. The school marching band can be heard playing off-screen. FEZ, ERIC, DONNA, and KELSO sit in a row, in the middle of the bleachers. Fez is in his letter jacket with pom-poms in his hands, Eric is looking over a brochure, Donna’s head is in her hands, and Kelso rocks in his seat with a big grin._

**DONNA** :

God, this blows. We should’ve just skipped like Hyde did.

**KELSO** :

Come on, Donna. Pep rallies are fun.

**DONNA** :

Kelso, you only like pep rallies because it’s a chance for you to ogle the cheerleaders.

**KELSO** :

(beat)

Yeah, what’s your point?

_Donna rolls her eyes._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

Come on. Just look at Jackie out there. She’s so cute in that little uniform. And so’s Julie. And Rachel. And Bethany.

**FEZ** :

This is a good day. I am a-flush with school spirit. GO VIKINGS!

_He stands and raises a pom-pom high in the air._

**ERIC** :

(to Donna)

Donna, are you all set for our weekend getaway?

**DONNA** :

So set. I have to get out of town. Ever since my dad lost the store, he just shuffles around in a not-completely-closed bathrobe. It’s really depressing.

_Fez sits down and takes the brochure from Eric._

**FEZ** :

(reading)

“The Wisconsin Dells’ most romantic hideaway. Hunters and truckers always welcome.” Sexy.

_Cheers and applause come up from the gym floor. The gang, and the rest of the crowd, rise to their feet as the cheer squad begins sounding off._   
  


**CHEERLEADERS (v.o.)** :

_Can you hear us_

_As we cheer?_

_We’ve got the spirit_

_Can’t you hear it?_

**FEZ** :

YES!

_Eric and Donna share a look as Kelso pumps his fist._

**CHEERLEADERS (v.o.)** :

_Viking spirit!_

_Shhhhhh..._

_Viking spirit!_

_Yell it out!_

_Viking spirit_

_Spin, scream –_

_A horrible sloshy noise cuts off the cheerleaders, who all break into screams and shouts. JACKIE’s can clearly be heard over the others. Fez, Eric, Donna, and Kelso all gape at the sight below them._

**KELSO** :

BURN!

_He, Eric, and Donna laugh, while Fez cradles his pom-poms._

**MAIN CREDITS**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - EVENING**

_Eric, RED, and KITTY sit around the kitchen table, enjoying dinner._

**ERIC** :

So, looks like I’m gonna spend the weekend with Kelso. Tutor him in math.

_Red and Kitty look up from their dinner. They share a look, then glare at Eric._

**RED** :

Really?

**KITTY** :

Hmmm...

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - EVENING**

_Eric is sat on a stool as Red and Kitty circle before him._

**RED** :

So, you’re allegedly tutoring Kelso in math?

**ERIC** :

Yes, sir.

**KITTY** :

Are you good in math?

**RED** :

What’s the square root of “x?”

**ERIC** :

Um, I really can’t answer that.

**RED** :

Aha!

**ERIC** :

No, see, “x” is a variable, so until you define its parameters the only possible answer is a variable, or “x” if you prefer.

_Red and Kitty look at each other._

**RED** :

(to Kitty)

Is that right?

**KITTY** :

(beat)

Sounds good.

(to Eric)

Will Michael’s parents be home?

**ERIC** :

Yes.

**RED** :

Are they as dumb as he is?

**ERIC** :

I can’t lie - yes. Yes, they are.

**RED** :

Right answer.

(to Kitty)

That was a trick question.

(to Eric)

I know they’re dumb.

**ERIC:**

(beat)

So... I can go?

**RED** :

You can go. But I’ll be watching the news. And if anything is vandalized, or explodes, or catches on fire, “x” is gonna equal me kicking your ass.

_Red exits into the living room. Kitty sighs, kisses Eric on the top of his head, and follows._

CUT TO:

**INT. PINCIOTTI KITCHEN – EVENING**

_Donna, BOB, and MIDGE sit around the table, eating. Bob is in an open bathrobe, nursing his drink._

**DONNA** :

So anyway, Jackie took what happened at the pep rally really hard. I, uh, thought I should stay with her this weekend. Help her get through... you know, stuff.

_Neither of her parents reacts._

**DONNA (cont’d)** :

Anyone?

**MIDGE** :

I’m sorry, honey. I can’t concentrate when your father’s robe is open.

**BOB** :

Leave me alone. I’m ventilating.

**MIDGE** :

(to Donna)

It’s alright with me, sweetie.

**DONNA** :

Thanks, Mom.

**MIDGE** :

What happened at the pep rally today?

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – EVENING**

_HYDE sits alone in his chair, reading a magazine. The basement door opens, and Jackie steps in, wearing her cheerleading uniform. She is an absolute mess, with a brown sticky substance all over her and white feathers stuck to her clothes and disheveled hair._

_Hyde looks her over, then bursts into laughter. Jackie throws her bag at him, but he keeps laughing._

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – EVENING**

_Later that evening. Red and Kitty share the couch. Kitty reads a magazine while Red reads the paper._

**KITTY** :

(not looking up)

You know, Red, if the house is gonna be empty this weekend, it might be a nice opportunity for a little romance.

**RED** :

(not looking up)

Uh-huh.

_Kitty sets her magazine down and glares at Red._

**KITTY** :

Is that, “uh-huh, my passion burns for you” or “uh-huh, you’re as exciting as an old hat?”

_Red looks up from his paper._

**RED** :

Well, what kind of old hat?

**KITTY** :

How about a hat that’s about to be super P.O.’d?

**RED** :

(beat)

Oh. Then the passion one.

_Kitty frowns and shakes her head at him._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – EVENING**

_Hyde is still in his chair, back to reading his magazine. Jackie sits on the couch, her arms crossed tight. The feathers are starting to flake off her._

**JACKIE** :

And then, just before we were going to form the human pyramid, the cheerleaders from Fort Anderson stood up and pelted us with water balloons full of this gross sticky goo!

**HYDE** :

Is it maple syrup?

(looks up, grins)

That’s good stuff.

**JACKIE** :

And then they took out these big bags of feathers and threw them at us, and we ended up like this.

(shakes her arms)

God, it was so humiliating! And right in front of the whole school!

_Hyde laughs again. Jackie glares at him._

**HYDE** :

Sorry.

(points to his magazine)

 _National Lampoon_.

**JACKIE** :

I just don’t understand how they could do this. I mean, I know those girls. We went to cheerleading camp together. I thought we were friends. I mean, we all went out to the mall together just last weekend.

**HYDE** :

(as he reads)

Did they ask what you’d be doing at the pep rally?

**JACKIE** :

Yeah. So?

**HYDE** :

Well, there you go, man. They conned you.

**JACKIE** :

I don’t understand.

**HYDE** :

They were nice to you so you’d give them something they could use to burn you later. And they did. And for the first time in my life, I’m sorry I skipped a pep rally.

_He laughs and sets his magazine down as he stands and moves to the deep freeze._

**JACKIE** :

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I can’t believe I was so stupid. I mean, these are the same girls who told me that we’d all set a new trend by wearing white after Labor Day to make it cool, and then, when we all went out the next day – I was the only one who did it!

_She sniffles, puts a hand over her mouth, and squeezes her eyes shut. Hyde looks over his shoulder at her._

**HYDE** :

Alright, cool it, princess. Don’t start getting all weepy over this.

**JACKIE** :

Well, what else am I supposed to do?

**HYDE** :

Get even.

_Jackie puts her hands down and looks over at Hyde. He grins at her, brings two soda bottles over and hands one to Jackie as he sits back down._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

I think it’s time for another lesson, grasshopper.

_Jackie frowns, confused, as Hyde chuckles and opens up his soda._

**BUMPER**

**INT. HOTEL – DAY**

_The next morning. A small, modest hotel room. Eric and Donna step inside, mouths open. Eric drops the bags to the floor, and Donna dives for the bed._

**DONNA:**

This place is awesome!

**ERIC** : 

I know! There’s gotta be, like, seventeen pillows on this bed!

**DONNA** :

What’s this?

_She crosses to the dresser, which supports a lamp and fridge, while Eric enters the bathroom._

**DONNA (cont’d)** :

Oh, my God, it’s a tiny fridge!

(opens fridge)

With, like, a million bottles of tiny liquor!

_She takes two of the bottles out. She notices a case on the inside shelf of the fridge and picks it up too._

**DONNA (cont’d)** :

Oh, and tiny cookies!

_Eric returns from the bathroom._

**ERIC** :

Oh, yeah? Well, in there – tiny shampoo and tiny soap. Donna, I think elves work here.

**DONNA** :

I feel so classy. I’m stealing all of it!

_Eric nods, and Donna goes back to rifling through the fridge._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY**

_Jackie and Hyde, in their winter coats, hover by the fridge._

**JACKIE** :

Okay, Steven, what does this have to do with getting back at Fort Anderson?

**HYDE** :

Jackie, to get even, you’ve gotta get evil. And to get evil, you gotta think evil. And nothing helps you think evil like a good beer. Now, I’ll sneak it out of the fridge, and you go be lookout.

_Jackie sighs, shrugs, and moves in front of the patio door. Hyde opens up the fridge and dives in._

_Red and Kitty enter quietly from the living room. Neither Hyde nor Jackie notice anything._

**RED** :

Steven.

_Jackie whirls around, and Hyde stands up straight. A six-pack is in his arms. Kitty frowns and Red grins._

**RED (cont’d)** :

Get out.

_Jackie shakes her head and exits out the patio door. Hyde sets the beer down on the counter and moves to leave, but Kitty holds him back by his coat sleeve._

**KITTY** :

Steven, Steven, now what were you thinking? Making your girlfriend snoop around like that?

**HYDE** :

Mrs. Forman, we’ve been over this. Jackie is not my girlfriend.

**KITTY** :

Oh, of course not!

(laughs)

You don’t even like her!

(laughs)

_She runs to the fridge and takes out a soda and a snack pack._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

Now you, you just split these with her, and then you two go find a nice movie to cuddle up in. I hear that _Pete’s Dragon_ is just adorable.

_Hyde looks down at the snacks, looks up at Kitty, and hurries out of the house._

**RED** :

Okay, Kitty. I’m going to cook you a romantic dinner. So, you go put on something pretty and I’ll warm up the toaster oven.

**KITTY:**

Oh, wow. Dinner from the toaster oven.

(laughs)

Well, whoop-de-do. I’ll put on my fancy dress.

_She moves to the living room door._

**RED** :

Okay, I’m gonna work on Plan “B.”

**KITTY** :

Oh, I would.

_She exits. Red sighs and leans on the island. His hand brushes against Eric’s brochure for Wisconsin Dells. He picks it up and starts looking it over._

CUT TO:

**INT. HOTEL - NIGHT**

_Donna is in pajamas, hopping up and down on the bed by her knees. Eric enters from the bathroom, wrapped up in a hotel bathrobe. James Brown’s “Get Up” blares on the radio._

**DONNA** : 

Hey, Eric! Do you know that if you mix Kahlúa and scotch, it tastes just like Dr. Pepper?

_She jumps out of bed, hurries over to Eric, and embraces him, her hands sliding all over his face._

**DONNA (cont’d)** : 

You’re cute!

**ERIC** :

(beat)

Okay. I think you’re cute too. And a little drunk, which is gonna make my job a whole lot easier.

_He and Donna start to make out when someone begins pounding on the wall._

**DONNA** :

(whispering)

What was that?

**ERIC** :

I guess the guy next door thinks we’re being too loud.

**DONNA** :

Oh, yeah?

_She crosses to the wall and pounds on it. The guy next door pounds right back._

**DONNA (cont’d)** :

Oh, my God. He just pounded right back.

**ERIC** :

Uh, okay. You know what? Let’s just be quiet.

_He shuts off the radio._

**DONNA** :

But then he wins, Eric. We need to get the last pound.

_She pounds on the wall again and waits for a reply. None comes._

**DONNA (cont’d)** :

See? We won! We’re not gonna take crap. We’re gonna give it, ‘cause we’re fearless!

_Someone pounds on the room door._

**ERIC** :

Oh, my God. He’s at the door. Okay, you know what? I think I have a little fear. So let’s just, uh, be really quiet and pretend we’re not here, and maybe he’ll just think we’re not here.

**DONNA** :

(whispering)

Okay.

**ERIC** :

(whispering)

Okay.

_He moves toward the bed, but Donna creeps up to the door and pounds on it. Eric hurries over to her._

**ERIC** : 

Will you cut it out? Okay, look –

_He steers Donna toward the bathroom._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Just stay in here and shush.

_He shuts the door behind her._

**DONNA (v.o.)** :

(whispering)

Okay.

_The man outside pounds on the door again. Donna pounds on the bathroom door. The man outside pounds again. Eric spins on his feet in both directions before going for the room door. He opens it to reveal:_

**ERIC** :

Dad?

_Red, in pajamas and an open bathrobe, stares at his son, mouth open. Donna races out of the bathroom and laughs when she sees Red._

**DONNA:**

Hey, it’s big Red!

**RED** :

Son of a bitch!

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

**INT. HOTEL - NIGHT**

_Right where we left off. Donna and Eric stand on either side of the doorway. Red, in the doorway, breathes deep. He steps inside, slams the door shut, and leads Eric aside by the arm. Donna lies down on the bed._

**RED** :

What the hell are you doing here?

**ERIC** :

Wait, what are _you_ doing here? Oh, my God. Who are you with?

**RED** :

Your mother, you dumbass! Okay, I’m gonna make a deal with you. I never saw you. I don’t know you’re here.

**ERIC** :

Wait, So, we’re good?

**RED:**

No, no. You’re getting your ass kicked on Monday. But for now, you shut up and stay here. If your mother sees you, my fun time is over.

_With a last look around the room, Red exits._

**DONNA** :

Oh, this is just awful!

_She stirs, kicks at the covers, and pounds the mattress. Eric sits next to her on the bed._

**ERIC** :

Oh, no. Hey, cheer up. I’ve been in trouble with Red before. It’s okay.

_Donna sits up._

**DONNA** :

No, it’s not that. It’s just, seeing your dad reminded me of my dad. Your dad’s going away on nice weekends and having fun. My dad’s out of work and sad. Plus, your robe’s not completely closed, and that reminds me of him too.

_Eric adjusts his robe and starts to rub her back._

**ERIC:**

Okay, okay. You know what? Let’s turn that frown upside-down. That’s right – let’s have super-hot sex, baby!

_Donna slugs him in the chest._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

And by “super-hot sex,” I mean, “let’s talk about your sad feelings.”

_Donna falls down onto the pillows._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT**

_Kelso and Fez share the couch, each munching on a bag of chips. The television plays quietly._

**KELSO** :

So what’s going on tonight?

**FEZ** :

Well, Eric and Donna are off on their romantic weekend getaway with the hunters and truckers, Hyde is helping Jackie to claim vengeance on the cheerleaders of Fort Anderson, and we are here, alone.

(sniffs)

So alone.

**KELSO** :

Yep, that revenge burn’s a hard “no” for me. I’ve got a strict “no burn” policy for cheerleaders. You never know who you’ll end up wanting to do it with.

**FEZ** :

Kelso, is it strange that we are here in Eric’s basement when he is out and Laurie is out and Red and Miss Kitty are out?

_Kelso pauses mid-bite and looks around the basement. The thought has never occurred to him before._

**KELSO** :

I mean... we could go to the Hub -

**FEZ** :

No, we have no car. We could go to my host parents’ -

**KELSO** :

Nah, they always try telling me how I shouldn’t be playing with my naughty parts. We could go to my house –

**FEZ** :

No, your brothers think it’s funny to put me upside-down into your trash can. And you can tell them from me, it is not.

_Fez and Kelso look up at the TV. They shrug together, settle into the couch, and resume eating chips._

CUT TO:

**INT. HOTEL – NIGHT**

_Red and Kitty’s room, the mirror layout of Eric and Donna’s. The bed is ready for them, but Kitty dances around in her nightgown while Red stands at the head of the bed._

**KITTY** :

What should we do with all this time alone?

_Red chuckles. A knock comes to the door._

**RED** :

I’ll get that. I ordered you a special surprise.

_He hurries to the door and throws it open without looking._

**RED (cont’d)** :

Ta-da!

_A clearly upset Donna steps into their room._

**KITTY** :

(beat)

Donna? Donna is my surprise?

_Red looks around the door._

**RED** :

Donna! What the heck are you doing here, Donna?

(chuckles)

What the heck?

_Donna scurries into the room._

**DONNA** :

(to Kitty)

Mrs. Forman, Eric is being a jerk, and I wanted to talk to my mom, but since she’s not here, can I talk to you?

_Without an answer, Donna goes over to Red and Kitty’s bed and crawls inside._

**RED** :

Eric’s here too? What on earth is going on? What the heck?

**KITTY** :

Red, what is going on here?

**RED** :

Oh, I’m just as surprised as you – oh, all right! Eric and Donna are the noisy people next door.

**KITTY** :

And you didn’t tell me?

_Donna sticks her head out from the covers, the phone in her hand._

**DONNA** :

Hello, Mommy? I’m sad!

_Kitty looks from Donna to Red, who rolls his eyes._

CUT TO:

**INT. HOTEL – NIGHT**

_Eric and Donna’s room. Eric sits at the foot of the bed. A knock comes to the door. Eric hurries to open it._

**ERIC** :

Donna, where have you –

_It’s Red, a pillow under his arm._

**RED** :

Your mother kicked me out.

CUT TO:

**INT. HOTEL – NIGHT**

_Eric’s room, a short time later. The lights are out. Red sleeps in the bed, while Eric struggles to fit himself on the footrest. Hearing Red snore, Eric tries to crawl to the open end of the bed._

**RED** :

(eyes shut)

I said “no.”

_Eric quickly retreats._

CUT TO:

**INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT**

_The athletic locker area of Fort Anderson High School. The distant sounds of a basketball game echo through the halls. Jackie, overdressed in black, and Hyde creep quietly along the wall and peak around a corner. Hyde has a large knapsack slung over his back._

**JACKIE** :

Okay, they just started their big game against Sacred Heart. The whole cheerleading squad should be out there.

**HYDE** :

Bunch of losers. Mindless slaves floating along on the conveyer belt of conformity.

**JACKIE** :

Yeah... but you get pretty uniforms and everyone tells you you’re cute, so it’s worth it.

_They round the corner and move to a locked door marked “JV Cheer.” Hyde sets his bag down, draws a tension wrench and a pick from his jacket, and starts working the lock. The pick slips out of his hands, and rolls under the door._

**HYDE** :

Dammit.

**JACKIE** :

What is it?

**HYDE** :

I need something else to jimmy the lock with.

_He pats his pockets, looking for an alternative. Jackie produces a bobby pin from her hair._

**JACKIE** :

Steven, will this work?

_Hyde takes the pin and looks it over. He bends it into shape, inserts it, and picks the lock. The door gives way. Jackie gives a silent cheer, and Hyde looks up at her, smiling._

**HYDE** :

You’re coming along nicely.

_He grabs his sack and they head inside._

CUT TO:

**INT. HOTEL – NIGHT**

_Red and Kitty’s room. Kitty and Donna are sitting up in bed. Kitty sips at a large drink in her hands._

**KITTY** :

Huh. This _does_ taste like Dr. Pepper.

**DONNA** :

Told ya. Hey, you know what? I think I might puke.

_Donna leans over her side of the bed. Kitty pulls her back upright._

**KITTY** :

Oh, no, no, no, no. Honey, nobody gets sick in Mr. and Mrs. Forman’s room.

(laughs)

You know, it is a lovely room. Red just saw the brochure on the counter and he whisked me up and he brought me here. It was very Humphrey Bogart.

**DONNA** :

Eric did the same thing for me. Sometimes he’s really sweet. Do you have a bucket?

_A knock sounds at the door._

**BELL BOY (v.o.)** :

Room service!

**KITTY** :

(to Donna)

Honey, honey – pretty girls do not throw up.

_Laughing, Kitty climbs out of bed and goes to the door. The bell boy wheels in a cart with iced champagne, a bowl of nuts, and roses._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

Oh, no, no, no. I didn’t order this.

**BELL BOY** :

Oh. Uh, it was ordered by a Mr. Red Forman.

_He smiles and exits. Kitty claps a hand over her heart._

**KITTY** :

Oh, my gosh, this must have been his surprise. Oh, flowers, champagne... _cashews_.

_She lifts up the bowl of cashews._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

The most expensive nut, you know.

(laughs)

Oh, dear sweet Red. I have to go see him.

(to Donna)

Are you feeling better now?

**DONNA** :

No.

**KITTY** :

Okay, good. Nighty-night.

_She takes the cart and wheels it out of the room._

CUT TO:

**INT. LOCKER - NIGHT**

_The locker room of the Fort Anderson JV Cheerleaders. It has been thoroughly trashed. The showers are T.P.ed, spray paint covers the walls and lockers (random graffiti and one cartoon unicorn), whipped cream coats the handles of each locker, and beer and spray paint cans litter the floor._

_Hyde stands in the middle of the room, admiring the work done. He sees a bit of fabric sticking out of a half-open locker. He pulls out the top of a red and black Fort Anderson cheerleading uniform._

**HYDE** :

Hello, souvenir.

_Laughing, he stuffs the top into his sack._

_Jackie runs in from the bathroom. A massive smile is plastered on her face, and she shakes where she stands._

**JACKIE** :

Oh, my God. I can’t believe I’m doing this!

_She gestures all around the room, especially toward the unicorn graffiti. Hyde nods approvingly._

**HYDE** :

Pretty fun this side of the law, ain’t it?

_Jackie nods excitedly and runs over to Hyde._

**JACKIE** :

Yes, yes, yes! Steven, Steven, this is so amazing! Um, quick question – do those cherry bomb thingies smell like cherries when they go off?

**HYDE** :

(beat)

No.

_Jackie’s smile slips as she nods._

**JACKIE** :

Uh-huh. Then we probably want to get out of here.

_Hyde looks toward the bathroom. Quickly, he grabs his sack from the floor and he and Jackie break for the door. Before they can reach it, the sound of the doorknob turning stops them._

**HYDE** :

Crap, the game’s over.

_He grabs Jackie’s hand and pulls her after him as he takes cover inside the shower._

_The JV CHEERLEADERS file into the locker. Each gasps, screams, or swears at the sight before them. They hurry in to inspect the damage, none of them noticing Jackie or Hyde. Hyde squeezes Jackie’s hand, nods toward the open door. She nods back, and they quietly make their way towards it._

_An explosion rocks the locker. Two enraged cheerleaders emerge from the bathroom, soaking wet._

**JACKIE** :

Oh, my God, they worked! My cherry bombs worked!

_The cheerleaders all turn toward Jackie and Hyde. Several BASKETBALL PLAYERS appear in the doorway of the locker, blocking the exit._

**HYDE** :

Jackie, there’s an important part of getting even: not getting caught!

_Jackie offers a shrug and half-grin of apology before they’re rushed from both sides. She and Hyde push back against the basketball players, trying to make their way to the door, as everyone around them attacks._

**BUMPER**

**INT. HOTEL HALL - NIGHT**

_The hallway of the Wisconsin Dells. Eric’s room door opens, and Red shoves Eric outside._

**RED** :

Out.

_He slams the door shut behind him._

**ERIC** :

But it’s my room.

_The door opens again. Kitty tosses Eric a blanket._

**KITTY** :

Love you, sweetie.

_Laughing, she shuts the door on Eric. He moves down the hall and knocks on Red’s door._

**ERIC** :

Donna? Donna, are you there?

_He knocks again._

CUT TO:

**INT. HOTEL – NIGHT**

_Red’s room. Donna is curled up in bed, sound asleep, even as Eric continues to knock._

**ERIC (v.o.)** :

Donna, please open the door, please.

CUT TO:

**INT. HOTEL HALL – NIGHT**

_Eric closes both hands around his blanket._

**ERIC** :

Great, I’m locked out of both rooms. Well, at least I don’t have any pants.

_He heads down the hall. Just as he leaves, Bob, Midge, and the bell boy march up the hall from the other direction._

**BOB** :

(to bell boy)

I want you to open that door right now. Our daughter’s in there, and she’s drunk.

_The bell boy opens the door and quickly retreats._

_All the lights are off in the room. Bob and Midge march inside, out of sight._

**BOB (v.o.)** :

You get off my daughter!

_The lights click on._

**RED (v.o.)** :

Bob, what the hell?

**BOB (v.o.)** :

Red?

**MIDGE (v.o.)** :

Ooh, Kitty, what a pretty night gown.

**KITTY (v.o.)** :

Thank you, Midge. Could you hand it to me, please?

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY**

_The next morning. A large pile of shoes rests on the coffee table. Eric sits on the arm of the couch, a shoe and shoe brush in his hands. Donna, laughing, sits down on the couch seat._

**DONNA** :

Look, I’m sorry about getting all tipsy last night.

**ERIC** :

Oh, no, please. I’m sorry. The fight was all my fault.

**DONNA** :

Fight? We had a fight?

**ERIC** :

(beat)

No.

**DONNA** :

What did you do?

**ERIC** :

Nothing.

**DONNA** :

Obviously, you did something, and I want to know what it is in case I’m still mad about it.

**ERIC** :

(beat)

Well, okay... I had said that you were the most beautiful girl in the world, and then you got all mad and said “get bent.” Not your finest hour, but I still love you.

**DONNA** :

Wow. You must be really upset about this.

**ERIC** :

Um... kind of, yeah.

_Donna puts a hand on Eric’s arm._

**DONNA** :

Well, come on, Eric. Let’s turn that frown upside-down. That’s right – let’s have super-hot sex, baby!

**ERIC** :

Oh, crap.

_He and Donna both laugh, and Donna picks up one of the shoes from the pile._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**CREDITS**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY**

_Moments later. Eric and Donna are each brushing a shoe when the basement door swings open and Hyde steps in. His lip is swollen, his shirt is badly torn, his sunglasses are missing, and his hair is a mess._

**DONNA** :

What the hell happened to you?

**HYDE** :

Fort Anderson basketball team, Fort Anderson coaches... Fort Anderson cheerleaders.

_Eric chokes down a laugh._

**ERIC** :

You got beaten up by cheerleaders?

**HYDE** :

No, no. Not beaten.

_Jackie rushes into the basement beside him, breathless. She has a black eye, her clothes are untucked and torn, and her hair is wild, but she’s smiling ear to ear._

**JACKIE** :

You know, I never thought I would use high kicks for anything except cheerleading!

**HYDE** :

Yep. Turns out they’ve got a practical application after all: kickin’ ass.

_Donna, Eric, and Jackie all laugh, and Hyde smiles as Jackie leans on him and he throws an arm around her shoulders._

**END.**


	4. J/H 3-17: Kitty's Birthday (Is That Today?!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Admission up-front: for a re-write project, not much is re-written here. This is more of a re-editing and re-structuring. You may have noticed that I cut Kelso's "B" story from the previous episode, but as silly as it is, that "B" story is important for Kelso's character, so I needed to plug it back in somewhere. Given what else is in store, this seemed the most logical place for that. So almost all the content here is from the show as you know it - the "A" story from this episode and the "B" story from another, edited in juxtaposition with each other. There is a little bit of re-writing, however, and it concerns Jackie and Hyde.
> 
> If this feels a little bit like a cheat on fresh material, then - just wait 'til next time...

**SHOW TITLE**

**INT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - DAY**

_A cold winter’s morning, with snow everywhere. Dressed for the weather, ERIC and DONNA stand around HYDE’s EL CAMINO, admiring the car. The hood is popped, and HYDE adjusts the engine._

**DONNA** :

Wow, Hyde, I can’t believe it. Your own set of wheels.

**HYDE** :

Yep. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. Oh, except for that one time Kelso swallowed that fish hook. That was pretty cool, too.

**ERIC** :

All right, Hyde. This car’s fine but, I mean, it’s no Vista Cruiser. How many miles are you getting to the gallon?

**HYDE** :

Uh, about 11?

**ERIC** :

Damn. Okay, fine. But, you know, the Vista Cruiser can seat eight. Nine, if someone sits on the stain.

**HYDE** :

Yeah, okay, Forman, but do you have any idea how many chicks I can fit in the flatbed? Thirty-two, and that’s with big Rhonda.

**ERIC** :

(beat)

Damn!

_Donna moves around to look at the flatbed, and screams. FEZ and CAROLINE sit up, their make-out session interrupted._

**FEZ** :

Oh, hello.

_He and Caroline climb out of the flatbed._

**HYDE** :

What are you doing back there, Fez?

**FEZ** :

I... I was... I was just showing Caroline the back of my new car and my tongue.

**DONNA** :

Fez, this isn’t your car.

**FEZ:**

(whispering)

Shut up.

**CAROLINE** :

(giggles)

Isn’t he cute?

(to Fez)

Fezzy, I told you, you don’t have to try and impress me anymore. I’m your girlfriend now.

**FEZ** :

Oh, I’m sorry, Caroline. From now on, I will be totally honest.

**CAROLINE** :

Good. Now, come on. Walk me home.

**FEZ** :

Ah, yes. And on the way, I could tell you about the time I killed a shark with a coconut.

_He and Caroline walk off. Hyde closes up the El Camino. KELSO runs in from the garage, breathless._

**KELSO** :

You guys, the weirdest thing just happened with Pam Macy.

**HYDE** :

Kelso, man, she’ll do that with any guy standing in front of her.

_Kelso shakes his head. Donna and Eric move to either side of Hyde._

**KELSO** :

Okay. So, I’m making out with Pam in the orchestra pit, and everything’s progressing like normal until...

**ERIC** :

What?

**KELSO** :

You know, the really, really bad thing that can happen to guys when they’re with girls.

_Hyde, Eric, and Donna look on._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

Okay, let me put it this way: the conductor couldn’t raise the baton.

_The others all “ah” in comprehension._

**HYDE** :

So, what you’re trying to say is: the rabbit wouldn’t come out of the hat.

**ERIC** :

The weasel wouldn’t pop.

**DONNA** :

The alphabet soup never spelled “Go.”

**KELSO** :

Okay! All right! Enough!

_He starts to pace along the side of the El Camino._

**ERIC** :

Actually, not quite. There were a lot of Amish people, but they never raised a barn.

_Kelso drops his head onto the top of the El Camino. Donna laughs and Hyde claps Eric on the shoulder._

**HYDE** :

Forman, man, that was awesome.

**ERIC** :

Hey, it just came to me.

_Kelso runs off down the sidewalk, pushing Eric as he passes. That doesn’t stop Eric, and the others, from laughing._

**MAIN CREDITS**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - EVENING**

_Later that day. KITTY is hard at work on the stove, stirring up meat in a pan. Buns and plates are on the side._

_Hyde enters through the patio door, a small box in his hands._

**HYDE** :

Hey, Mrs. Forman. Happy birthday.

_He hands her the box._

**KITTY** :

Oh! I can’t believe you remembered. You are the first person to say anything all day.

_She takes the box and opens it up: there are FLASHBULBS inside._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

And how did you know I needed more flashbulbs?

_She pulls Hyde in for a kiss on the cheek and puts his gift away._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

Thank you. So, do you want to stay for dinner?

**HYDE:**

Oh, no thanks. I, uh, told Jackie I’d drop her off with her friends.

**KITTY** :

Oh, now, aren’t you so sweet to do that for your –

_Hyde cuts her off with a look._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

And she’s not your girlfriend, of course!

(laughs)

_She spoons some meat into a bun and gives it to Hyde._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

Here, at least take this for the road. You know, a sandwich is a sandwich, but a Manwich is a meal.

**HYDE** :

Oh, well, thanks, Mrs. Forman.

_Hyde exits out the patio door, just as Eric enters from the living room. He immediately sits down at the table._

**ERIC** :

Hey, Mom. What’s for dinner? I’m starving.

**KITTY** :

Manwiches.

**ERIC** :

Again? Aah! We just had those.

_RED enters from the living room._

**RED** :

Kitty, I left my shirt on the bed. It needs to be ironed for tomorrow.

**KITTY:**

Okay.

**RED** :

Oh, and I know you think I forgot, but I didn’t.

_He kisses her on the forehead. Kitty laughs._

**KITTY** :

Oh, Red, I knew you’d remember.

**RED** :

Yup. The check for the plumber is on the dresser.

_He sits down at the table._

**KITTY** :

Oh. Good.

_She prepares two plates and brings them to the table. Eric lifts up his bun and frowns at the Manwich meat._

**ERIC** :

Um, is there anything else to eat?

_Kitty shifts on her feet. She takes Eric’s plate back, then Red’s._

**KITTY** :

Well, you know what, honey?

_She throws both plates into the sink and tears off her apron._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

I don’t give a good gosh darn what you eat!

_She tosses the apron into the sink too and storms out into the living room. Red and Eric look from the door to each other._

**ERIC** :

Wow. She’s really upset.

**RED** :

Yeah. Nice going.

_Eric shakes his head, confused._

CUT TO:

**INT. THE HUB – NIGHT**

_A quiet night at the Hub. A gentle snow falls outside. A small GROUP OF GIRLS has the wall table, and Caroline sits in the corner._

_Hyde and JACKIE enter, Jackie adjusting her hat and coat._

**JACKIE** :

Steven, that car is a death trap!

**HYDE** :

No, the death trap is that giant patch of ice on Blondo and Fifth. The El Camino’s fine. Or it was, ‘til Big Rhonda cracked my break light.

_Jackie shakes the snow off her coat and heads over to the girls. Hyde crosses to the counter and places an order._

_Caroline rushes over to Hyde._

**CAROLINE** :

Hi!

**HYDE** :

Hey.

**CAROLINE** :

Have you seen Fez?

**HYDE** :

Uh, no. He went bowling with his host parents.

**CAROLINE** :

Damn him!

_She stomps the ground. Hyde turns to face her, and she looks up._

**CAROLINE (cont’d)** :

I’m sorry. I was just hoping he’d be here so we could study together. Now I have to walk home alone in the dark. It’s scary out there! Somebody ran over big Rhonda.

_Hyde nods._

**HYDE** :

Um, do you want a -

**CAROLINE** :

Okay!

_She rushes off to get her bag._

**HYDE** : 

... Ride?

_He shrugs and takes the hot cup handed to him from the counter._

CUT TO:

**INT. KELSO’S ROOM - NIGHT**

_Kelso is snuggled up in bed, sound asleep. A big grin spreads across his face as we cut to:_

**INT. GENIE BOTTLE**

_DREAM SEQUENCE. Genie’s bottle from I DREAM OF JEANNIE. Jackie, as Jeannie, stands at the ready._

**KELSO (v.o.)** :

Genie, I’m home.

_Jackie smiles, folds her arms, and blinks. Kelso, as Major Nelson, appears._

**KELSO** :

Hello, Genie Jackie.

**JACKIE** :

Hello, Master Major Michael. How was your day?

**KELSO** :

Pretty good, pretty good. But I’m starving. I’ve been on the moon all day and I missed lunch.

**JACKIE** :

I can fix that.

_They sit. Jackie folds her arms, blinks, and a tray of burgers appears on the ottoman._

**KELSO** :

Damn, I love having a genie. Well, let’s eat.

_He leans in toward the burgers, but Jackie takes his arm._

**JACKIE** :

Okay – unless you’re hungry for something besides food, Master.

_She folds her arms, blinks, and she and Kelso are sprawled out on the sofa, Kelso on top of Jackie._

_Kelso looks from Jackie to the burgers and back._

****

**KELSO** : 

Actually, I’ve been having a little problem in this department lately.

**JACKIE** : 

Not anymore.

_She folds her arms and blinks. Kelso glances down at his crotch. He lets out a delighted holler._

**KELSO** :

You’re the best genie ever!

_They begin to make out._

CUT TO:

**INT. KELSO’S ROOM – NIGHT**

_Back to reality. Kelso twists in joy at his dream. Slowly, he stirs himself awake. Still smiling, he reaches for the phone by his bed and dials a number._

**KELSO** :

(into phone)

Hello? Pam? I’m back!

_He laughs hysterically into the receiver._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT**

_The family is awkwardly gathered. Kitty and Eric share the couch while Red sits in his chair. He reads the newspaper, Eric reads a magazine, and Kitty watches television._

**KITTY** :

 _The Waltons_. Now, there’s a grateful family.

_Red mumbles without looking up from his paper, and Eric ignores Kitty entirely._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

And boy, did they love their mother.

_Eric fidgets with his foot and leg._

**ERIC** :

Oh, great. I think I’ve got athlete’s foot.

_He goes back to his magazine. Kitty, disgusted, looks from him to Red and back before throwing her hands up and standing._

**KITTY** :

I am – I am – I am going to bed.

_She hurries up the stairs. Red puts down his newspaper and looks around the room._

**RED** :

(to Eric)

Where’d your mother go?

_Eric looks up from his magazine and glances around the room._

**ERIC** :

To bed.

(beat)

Hey, what’s wrong with her, anyway?

**RED** :

Who knows? She’s been moody all day. Let me see the _TV Guide_.

_He sets his newspaper down, and Eric hands him the TV GUIDE. Red starts to flip through it._

**RED (cont’d)** :

Let’s see. What day is it? Ahh! It’s the 13th. You know, it seems to me I was supposed to do something on the 13th.

_It hits him like a rock. Red shuts the Guide and bolts out of his chair._

**RED (cont’d)** :

Oh, good Lord!

(points at Eric)

You forgot your mother’s birthday!

_Eric’s jaw drops. He jumps off the couch._

**ERIC** : 

Oh, no, Dad! This is bad. This is very, very bad.

**RED** :

All right – don’t start getting all twitchy. Now, we gotta think.

(beat)

Let’s watch _ChiPs_ and think.

_They both sit, and Red takes up the remote_ **.**

CUT TO:

**EXT. ROAD - NIGHT**

_The snow has stopped, and the roads are clear as the El Camino cruises along. Hyde watches the road, Caroline beside him in the passenger seat. “Drivin’ Wheel” by Foghat plays on the radio._

**CAROLINE** :

So, Fez is really nice, huh?

**HYDE** :

Yeah. Fez is a good guy.

**CAROLINE** :

Yeah.

(beat)

You know, sometimes, when I’m trying to sleep at night, I think about how much it would hurt if he ever left me. And then I say, “Fez would never leave me.” But then, I say, “we’ve only been going out a short time. Maybe he would leave me.”

(beat)

So then I hold my breath until my lungs are about to explode, because that’s how much I think it would hurt if he ever did leave me.

_Hyde slowly looks over at Caroline, who stares straight ahead._

**CAROLINE (cont’d)** :

And then, when I regain consciousness, I start breathing again, and everything’s fine. Oops! There’s my house. Thanks. Bye.

_They’ve passed the house already, but Hyde quickly pulls the El Camino to a stop. Caroline gathers her bag and hops out._

**HYDE** :

See ya.

_He looks out at the road, his sunglasses not quite hiding the horror in his eyes._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BEDROOM - NIGHT**

_Almost midnight. The lights are on. Kitty sits up in bed, reading CHOPPING DOWN THE FAMILY TREE._

_The door swings open and Eric and Red step inside, two sorry-looking balloons and a paper bag in hand._

**ERIC & RED**:

Happy birthday!

**KITTY** :

(beat)

Oh, you remembered.

_She sets her book down and stands to retrieve her bathrobe. Eric and Red cross to the bed._

**RED** :

Well, of course we remembered, honey! We just figured that we’d wait until there was only 15 minutes left in the day and you were good and mad, and then we’d sneak up here and surprise the hell out of you.

**KITTY** :

Wow. What a good plan, ‘cause I was awfully mad.

**RED** : 

Yeah. We really had you going.

**ERIC** :

Here, Mom. Open this one first. It’s from me.

_He takes a badly-wrapped flat present out of the paper bag._

**KITTY** :

Well, thank you, honey.

_She sits on the edge of the bed, takes the gift, and unwraps it to reveal:_

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

Oh. A map of Wisconsin. Oh, well. Thank you.

_She sets the map down._

**ERIC:**

And, Mom. I got you these balloons, too.

_He hands her the balloons. Kitty laughs and tugs them down close enough for her to read the writing on them._

**KITTY** :

“Knock out the knock knocks at Schiffy’s Gas-n-Go.” Huh.

**RED** :

Wait, Kitty, there’s more.

_Kitty gives Eric back the balloons as Red pulls another, even more poorly-wrapped present from the bag. Kitty looks at Red before taking it. Unwrapping the gift, she finds:_

**KITTY** :

A funnel.

**RED** :

‘Cause I know how much you like to pour things.

_He and Eric nod with fixed smiles. Kitty examines her funnel._

**KITTY** :

Well, um... either these gifts are really thoughtful, or you bought a bunch of crap at the gas station.

**RED** :

What?

**KITTY** :

Oh, admit it, Red Forman. You forgot my birthday.

_Red’s head bows._

**ERIC** :

(to Red, whispering)

Quick, Dad. Give her the lighter.

**RED** :

(to Kitty)

Look, Kitty. I’m sorry, but... it’s just... well, marking the calendar is your responsibility.

_Kitty glares up at him, the funnel slipping from her hands._

**ERIC** :

Oh. Dad, _no_!

_Shaking his head, Eric retrieves the balloons and exits, while Red looks down at a distraught Kitty on the bed._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – DAY**

_The next morning. Red lies on the couch, in his clothes from last night, with a crude quilt pulled over him. He rubs his eyes and face._

_Kitty hurries down the stairs, not sparing Red a look. He smiles at her anyway and sits up._

**RED** :

Ah, good morning, sunshine! So, what’s for breakfast?

**KITTY** :

A funnel.

_She disappears into the kitchen. Red falls back down onto the couch._

**RED** :

Ow.

CUT TO:

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY**

_The El Camino is parked in the driveway. Hyde and Fez have lawn chairs set up in the flatbed, while Eric sits on the rim. Even dressed for the cold, they all shiver._

**FEZ** :

Uh, guys, can we go inside? I’m freezing my choo-choos off.

**ERIC** :

No way. I’m not going in there. I forgot my mom’s birthday.

**HYDE** :

Really? ‘Cause I remembered your mom’s birthday.

**ERIC** :

If you remembered, why didn’t you tell me?

**HYDE** :

How would that be funny?

**FEZ** :

I will never have to worry about forgetting Caroline’s birthday. She wrote it on my arm with permanent marker.

_He rolls up his sleeve, revealing a large note scribbled on the bottom of his right arm. Among other things, the date “4-16” is clearly visible._

**FEZ (cont’d)** :

Isn’t she sweet?

**HYDE** :

More like psycho.

**FEZ** :

What are you doing, calling my girlfriend a psycho?

**HYDE** :

Oh, I’m sorry, Fez. Did I say, “psycho?” I meant, “nutbag, headcase, whackadoo.” She chokes herself, man!

**FEZ** :

Well, Hyde, maybe... maybe you should... maybe you should choke _your_ self! Good day.

_He stands to leave._

**HYDE** :

Fez -

**FEZ** :

I said, “good day!”

_He clamors out of the El Camino and stomps off._

**BUMPER**

**EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY**

_The parking lot of the high school. It is empty, save for one lone car. Inside are Kelso, looking thoroughly miserable, and PAM MACY, who looks bored._

**KELSO** :

Look, Pam. I’m really sorry about what happened... again. I must have the flu or something.

**PAM** :

Well, it’s not like any flu I’ve ever heard of.

**KELSO** :

Well, there’s lots of kinds of flu, Pam!

(beat)

I’m sorry.

**PAM** :

Oh, well. Don’t take it so hard.

(flat)

Oops. Sorry.

**KELSO** :

Look, just don’t tell anybody, okay?

**PAM** :

Oh, Flopsy, I’m not gonna tell anybody.

(beat)

I’m gonna tell _everybody_.

_She grins wickedly as Kelso drops his head onto the dashboard._

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY**

_Kitty goes through the kitchen, slamming cabinet doors as she puts dishes away. Donna enters through the patio door, a HERSHEY BAR in her hands._

**DONNA** :

Hey, Mrs. Forman.

_Kitty doesn’t react, instead busying herself by pouring a pot of coffee. Donna notices her mood._

**DONNA (cont’d)** :

Is Eric home?

_Kitty finally looks at Donna._

**KITTY** :

Oh, you mean my son, the map-giver. I don’t know, and I don’t care.

_She picks up her coffee and sits at the dinner table._

**DONNA** :

Mrs. Forman, are you okay?

**KITTY:**

Oh, I am just freakin’ fine!

_Donna joins her at the table._

**DONNA** :

What happened?

**KITTY** :

(beat)

Well, you know I love my family. It’s just – sometimes, I want to get in the car and run ‘em all over. They forgot my birthday.

**DONNA** :

I’m gonna go kick Eric’s ass right now.

_She moves to leave, but Kitty pulls her back to her seat._

**KITTY** :

I mean, it’s one thing when they don’t notice when I get my hair done differently – which they don’t. But this is my birthday. Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I expect too much.

**DONNA** :

No, Mrs. Forman. You have every right to be mad. In fact, you should be madder. You’re, like, the best mom in the world.

**KITTY** :

Yeah! Thank you, Donna! I just wish my own family would say that once in a while.

_She lets out a sigh. Donna shakes her head and takes a bite of her Hershey bar, catching Kitty’s eye._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

Oh, sweetie, that’s not your breakfast, is it?

**DONNA** :

(beat)

Yeah.

**KITTY** :

Oh.

(laughs)

Why don’t you just let me make you some nice waffles instead?

_She stands, moves over to the stove, and takes out a whisk and a mixing bowl from the cupboard below._

**DONNA** :

(stands)

Oh, cool. I love frozen waffles.

**KITTY** :

Oh, honey, no, no, no, no. I make my waffles from scratch.

**DONNA** :

(beat)

Those bastards!

_She slams a hand down on the stovetop._

CUT TO:

**INT. THE HUB – DAY**

_A fairly busy afternoon. Hyde and Jackie sit at a round table near the center of the room, a basket of fries on the table, with Fez standing over Jackie. Caroline sits at the wall table, tearing open sugar packets and piling up the sugar. Pam Macy holds court near the window, commanding everyone’s attention except Caroline’s._

_Pam holds her arm erect for a moment, then lets it flop down. Those around her all laugh, as does Fez. He looks down at Jackie, whose blank face shuts him up._

**FEZ** :

Jackie, Pam has shared really terrible news about Kelso that made me laugh.

_Jackie says nothing, her face unchanged._

**FEZ (cont’d)** :

And now I turn to you... this is where we both laugh together.

**JACKIE** :

Actually, Fez, I don’t find it that funny. I kinda feel sad for him.

**FEZ** :

But you hate him! He totally screwed you over!

**JACKIE** :

Yeah, but he’s grown up a lot since then.

**HYDE** :

That is so true. Why, just last week in chemistry, when he had to stay after class, he left all the notes alone on the blackboard and just doodled huge jugs in around ‘em.

_He and Fez laugh, and Jackie scowls._

**JACKIE** :

The point is, he’s suffered a lot, and I’m over it by now.

(quietly)

Poor Michael.

**FEZ** :

“Poor Michael?” Well, I see I have wasted my time stopping here.

_He sticks his nose up and marches over to Caroline’s table. Hyde puts a hand on the back of Jackie’s chair._

**HYDE:**

Jackie, I want you to know it’s real big of you, lettin’ bygones be bygones with Kelso. It’s mature, responsible, and the right thing to do.

**JACKIE:**

Well, thank you, Steven.

**HYDE:**

And I thought I taught you better, grasshopper.

_He makes a big show of shaking his head. Jackie chuckles, sighs, and heads into the bathroom._

_At Caroline’s table, Fez watches as she continues to pile up the sugar._

**FEZ:**

So, Caroline, uh, just curious. Um... do you sometimes choke yourself?

_Caroline looks up, smiling._

**CAROLINE** :

Yeah. But I only do it because I love you more than anything in the world.

_She slaps her hands on either side of the table and leans in toward Fez._

**FEZ** :

(beat)

Okay, I’m good with that. I’ll get you a soda, lover. Don’t forget to breathe while I’m gone.

_They trade playful hand gestures, then Fez heads for the counter. Hyde stands and meets him halfway._

**HYDE** :

Hey, so how’s it going with Mental Mary?

**FEZ** :

I owe you an apology, Hyde. She is crazy. But she’s crazy for me.

_He looks around Hyde to Caroline. She gasps desperately, as if deprived of breath, and waves. Fez waves back, smiling._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY**

_Red and Eric stand in the middle of the kitchen. Eric has a bottle of cleaner and Red has the mop, but neither is doing anything except watching the patio door._

**RED** :

Oh! Here she comes!

_He and Eric put on a show just as Kitty comes in through the patio door. Eric scrubs at the stove while Red mops. Kitty breezes right past them into the living room without a word or a glance. Once she leaves the room, the men stop “working.”_

**ERIC** :

Oh, my God, she didn’t even look at us. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Mom so mad. Have you?

**RED** :

Not since she stopped drinking.

**ERIC** :

What?

**RED** :

Nothing. Look – obviously, your mother’s very upset about something. And desperate times call for desperate measures. For the last ten years, she’s been asking us to do something. And every time, we say no, because what she wants is the most horrible thing in the world.

_Eric recoils in horror._

**ERIC** :

I won’t do it.

**RED** :

Oh, you will do it. And you will like it.

CUT TO:

**INT. DANCE HALL – DAY**

_Red’s horror made manifest: the tackiest, ugliest, corniest square dance celebration, complete with dancers in bad country uniforms._

_Kitty, Red, Eric, and Donna stand in the doorway, decked out in Western clothing. While the other three look ready for death, Kitty bobs with excitement._

**KITTY** :

I can’t believe we’re finally square dancing! Oh, this is so much fun!

_She rushes out onto the dance floor and joins in, her joy making up what she lacks in technique (a lot.) Red, Eric, and Donna continue to look on in disgust._

**RED** :

It looks like Hee-Haw puked in here.

_Kitty runs over to Red and takes him by the arm._

**KITTY** :

Come on, honey. Let’s dance!

_She leads him into the circle of dancers._

**ERIC** :

Oh, my God, this is awful.

**DONNA** :

She made me waffles. Now promenade, you son of a bitch.

_She takes Eric roughly by the arm and leads him into the circle too._

CUT TO:

**INT. DANCE HALL -DAY**

_MONTAGE. The EMCEE of the dance sings a corny country song as the dancers go through various steps. We see Donna make a fair effort at enjoying herself (or at Eric’s expense). Eric occasionally cracks a smile. Red grimaces through the whole ordeal. And Kitty beams for every second of it._

CUT TO:

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - DAY**

_On a pleasant afternoon, Kelso is all alone and forlorn. He dribbles a basketball and shoots it at the hoop, but it drops to the ground, deflated._

**KELSO** :

Why is everything doing that?

_He stares at the basketball, whimpering. Jackie walks up the driveway and stops in front of Kelso, pity in her eyes._

**JACKIE** : 

Hey, Michael. I heard what happened with Pam. And I want you to know that, according to _Cosmopolitan Magazine_ , you’re not a freak.

**KELSO** :

Really?

_Jackie nods._

**JACKIE** :

Mm-hmm. They say that, lots of times, when it happens to a guy, it’s not that he _can’t_ , it’s just that he secretly doesn’t want to.

**KELSO** :

Okay, well, not to criticize, but _Cosmo’s_ never seen Pam Macy naked.

**JACKIE** :

Michael, just think about it. Do you even like Pam?

**KELSO** :

Well, I like parts of her.

_Jackie smiles and shakes her head._

**JACKIE:**

Well, maybe that’s not enough. And maybe your body’s mature enough to realize that even if your brain isn’t.

**KELSO** :

Wait. You know, if this is about maturity, then I want nothing to do with it.

**JACKIE** :

Look, Michael, don’t worry, okay? When you find the girl you’re meant to be with, you’ll be able to do all the stuff you want. I promise.

**KELSO** :

I hope you’re right. Thanks Jackie.

_Jackie holds out her arms for a hug, and Kelso takes it._

_After a moment, Kelso stiffens. His head shoots up and he pulls his hips away from Jackie._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

I’m back.

**JACKIE** :

What?

_Kelso pushes Jackie back to arms’ length._

**KELSO** :

Nothing. Good hug!

_He gives her a thumbs’ up and takes off down the street._

CUT TO:

**INT. DANCE HALL – DAY**

_The dance is still in progress, but Kitty is finally tired out. She and Donna catch a breather on two haystacks. Red and Eric walk over to them, Eric with a small box in hand._

**ERIC** :

So, Mom, we found this present we just had to get you. Happy birthday.

_He hands her the box._

**KITTY** :

Oh, I thought square dance night was my present.

_Red kneels beside her._

**RED** :

It is, but we really messed up this year, and... well, we’re sorry.

_Kitty smiles and kisses Red, then opens up her gift. It’s a novelty coffee mug. She beams as she displays it for Donna._

**KITTY** :

“World’s Darn-Tootinest Mom.” Do you really think so?

**RED** :

You’re darn-tootin’.

_He kisses her. Kitty fans herself and packs up her new mug._

**KITTY** :

Okay, well, I think I’ve had enough do-si-dos for one night, so what do you say we all go home and have hot fudge sundaes?

**RED** :

Thank God!

**ERIC** :

Oh, yes.

_They immediately head for the door._

**DONNA** :

(to Kitty)

Bastards.

_She and Kitty rise and follow the men out._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**CREDITS**

**INT. GENIE BOTTLE**

_FANTASY SEQUENCE. Michael, as Major Nelson, and Jackie, as Jeannie, stand in the middle of the bottle._

**KELSO** :

Well, Genie Jackie, I am in the mood for some hot master/genie lovin’!

**JACKIE** :

Oh, I’m sorry, Master Major Michael. But what we are going to have is a warm master/genie friendship. In fact, I am the master now, and you are the genie.

_She folds her arms and blinks. They change costumes. Kelso looks down uncomfortably while Jackie beams and adjusts her uniform._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

Except you will not have any genie powers. You will just do as I say. Now, do my math homework, genie, while I step out with Major Steven.

_She folds her arms and blinks. A pile of notebooks and a pencil appear in Kelso’s hand, and a grinning Hyde, as Major Healey, appears next to Jackie. She links arms with him, blinks, and they vanish, leaving Kelso alone._

**KELSO** :

NO!

**END.**


	5. J/H 3-18: Eric's Naughty No-No

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you thought the last episode was a bit of a cheat, with so little new material, this will hopefully take care of that.
> 
> We're going to assume now that throwing Zen into Season 3 would affect the production order at this point. Instead of "The Trials of Michael Kelso," 3-18 is now "Eric's Naughty No-No." Once again, the "A" story with Eric and Donna and the "B" story with the Formans are left alone and preserved for context. But there's an all-new runner, all for Hyde, and that attitude he had about Jackie in "Ice Shack" is gonna start paying off...

**SHOW TITLE**

**INT. THEATER - NIGHT**

_A film in progress, a thin crowd. Heavy breathing and terrible porno music are the only sounds coming from the screen. ERIC, FEZ, HYDE, and KELSO, near the front of the theater, all look up at the screen in a daze._

**FEZ** :

Oh, my first X-rated movie. I don’t know what’s going on, but that is the luckiest pizza boy ever!

**HYDE** :

I’ll say. There’s at least nine boobs in this shot alone.

**KELSO:**

Guys, I don’t know about this. I mean, I’ve realized lately that attraction is about more than just the boobs or the butt. This kind of trashy porno flick is really – oh, wow! That seems like it would tickle.

**FEZ** :

Oh, nothing’s going to happen in this scene. It’s just two ladies.

_Female moaning from the film. The boys all sit up straighter._

**FEZ (cont’d)** :

Oh, bravo. Nice plot twist!

**ERIC** :

Oh – wow! Does everyone do that? Because I don’t do that. I just stick to two or three key moves, and... God, they don’t even come close to that.

**FEZ** :

Oh, Eric. I have not done anything. But even I, had I done anything, would have already done that.

_Another moan from the screen. Kelso tilts to one side._

**KELSO** :

I’ll be right back.

_He scrambles out of the aisle as the others keep watching._

**MAIN CREDITS**

**BUMPER**

_MUSIC NOTE: “Temptation” by Perry Como._

**INT. THE HUB - DAY**

_A pleasant weekend morning, with a light crowd in the Hub. On the far side of the booth seat, a GUM-CHEWING BLONDE, her back against the wall, talks with Hyde, who leans with one hand against the wall just above her shoulder. “Temptation” plays on the jukebox._

**BLONDE** :

So, Hyde, are you still on probation?

**HYDE** :

(nods)

Just checked in at the precinct yesterday.

_The blonde’s eyes widen, and she paws at Hyde’s jacket as she pops her gum._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

Yeah. My probation officer’s not a bad guy, you know? He keeps it simple, keeps it short...

_Hyde reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small, crumpled paper bag._

**HYDE (cont’d):**

And he ain’t too careful with his contraband.

_The blonde squeals and swats him playfully on the chest. Hyde grins and puts the bag away._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

So, you ever been cruisin’ in an El Camino?

**BLONDE:**

Oh, my God. Hyde, you are the _coolest_!

_She bobs on her feet, giggling, and the mask of cool slips off Hyde’s face. We cut to:_

_FANTASY SEQUENCE. HYDE’S POV. In place of the blonde is JACKIE, wearing her cheerleading uniform and letter jacket and surrounded by stage lights. She is ten times as bubbly and admiring as the blonde._

**JACKIE** :

Oh, my God! Steven, you are the _coolest_! Oh, can we have a Circle when we get over to Eric’s? I _love_ that you turned me on to those! Ooh, those sunglasses are _so_ mysterious.

(gasps)

And all this time, Led Zeppelin was a _band_? They’re _amazing_!

_She starts a cheer routine as the fantasy sequence fades away._

_The blonde has retrieved her bag and heads for the door, tugging on Hyde’s arm, but he stands firm and gently pulls her back in front of him._

**HYDE** :

Uh, you know what? I can’t.

_He offers a half-shrug by way of apology and leaves the baffled blonde behind as he crosses the room and leans on the pinball machine. He lets out a long breath and shakes his head._

_Pushing himself upright and turning around, Hyde sees the blonde making out with a JOCK near the door. When they break apart, the blonde has a sultry gleam in her eye, and the jock is completely out of breath. He reaches into his mouth and takes out the blonde’s gum._

**JOCK:**

All right!

_He takes the blonde by the hand, and they hurry out the door. Hyde leans back against the pinball machine._

**HYDE:**

Oh, holy hell.

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY**

_The sun shines in from the patio door. KITTY is hard at work on the stovetop, spooning filling into a pie crust._

_RED strolls in from the living room and takes a whiff of the kitchen air._

**RED** :

Mmmm, smells good. Watcha making?

_He takes a beer from the fridge._

**KITTY** :

(still working)

Oh, a little lemon meringue and pot roast and my sister Paula is coming and seven-layer salad.

**RED** :

Ahh. Seven-layer – hey, wait a second.

_Kitty sets the spoon down and looks up at Red._

**KITTY** :

Red, now please, be nice. We haven’t seen her in almost six years.

**RED** :

Yeah. Not since she got arrested.

**KITTY** :

No, no, no, not arrested, detained.

**RED:**

She showed up in the back seat of a police car with lights flashing. I had to tell the neighbors she was the mayor of Cincinnati.

_Outside, a car horn honks. Kitty hops and claps._

**KITTY** :

Oh, there she is.

**RED** :

You wait. She’s gonna hit me up for money like she always does.

_They cross to the patio door._

CUT TO:

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY**

_Red and Kitty step out into the drive. A nauseatingly pink THUNDERBIRD slowly pulls in. The logo for KATHY MAY COSMETICS adorns the back window. The Thunderbird manages to rear-end the Toyota in the garage, breaking the taillights. Red scowls._

**RED** :

That’s gonna cost me.

_Out from the car steps Kitty’s sister PAULA, tanned and brunette, but with the same happy energy as Kitty. She is dressed in the same shade of pink as her car._

**KITTY** :

Oh, my God!

**PAULA:**

Kitty!

**KITTY:**

Oh, my God, look at you!

**PAULA:**

I know! I know! I’m fabulous!

_They rush to embrace each other, sharing the shrill cackling that only the best of middle-aged sisters can share. Kitty looks her sister over, and Paula poses._

**KITTY** :

Oh, my God. You’re wearing stockings! Red, she’s wearing stockings! Oh, oh, and matching shoes!

_Red nods curtly. Paula smiles at him and steps over to him._

**PAULA** :

Come on, Red. I know you’re dying for a nibble.

_She gives him a kiss on the cheek. Red spares her a small smile._

**RED** :

Ahh, Paula. You’re so... pink.

**PAULA** :

Oh, well, sure, sure! I’ve gotta match my brand-new car.

_She sweeps her hand out in presentation over the Thunderbird._

**PAULA (cont’d)** :

Go ahead, pet her.

_Reluctantly, Red gives the trunk a pat._

**KITTY** :

Well ooh, ooh, I wanna pet her too!

_She pats the trunk too, with much more enthusiasm. Red walks down the length of the car._

**RED** :

Why did you paint it with Pepto-Bismol?

**PAUL** :

It’s not Pepto-Bismol. It’s Luscious Blushes. And only the top Kathy May salesperson gets one of these babies.

**RED** :

So, you stole it from her?

_Paula laughs. She opens up her purse, takes out a big wad of bills, and hands it to Red._

**PAULA** :

I have all the money that I owe you. Here it is.

**KITTY** :

Oh, my God. You have cash. Red, she has cash!

_She and Paula laugh together and hug again. Red counts the money. Kitty, seeing over Paula’s shoulder, reaches over to his arm._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

Honey, Red, Red, Red – really. You don’t have to count it.

**RED** :

Oh – of course. You’re family!

_He chuckles. The sisters go back to their embrace. Red turns his back to them and resumes counting._

CUT TO:

**INT. HUB - DAY**

_Later that afternoon. “You Can’t Turn Me Off (In the Middle of Turning Me On)” by High Inergy plays on the jukebox._

_The guys have claimed two small tables near the counter. Hyde’s chair is turned toward the wall as he broods. Eric sits backwards in his chair as he stares into space, his jaw hanging open. Fez and Kelso are turned in toward each other as they share a basket of fries and sip at their sodas._

**ERIC** :

(beat)

Okay, so did anyone besides me think that some of the guys in that movie were... not completely average? Like, you know, they were way, _way_ above average?

**FEZ** :

What are you talking about? Those men were completely average. In fact, I found the guy with the mustache downright puny.

**KELSO** :

See now, Fez – that’s not honest. I mean, we all know you’re small in the pants.

_Fez glares at him._

**FEZ** :

Fine. You want honesty? I’ll give you honesty. We are _all_ small in the pants!

_He’s loud enough to attract stares, and he winces at them. Fez shoves the fries away and stands._

**FEZ (cont’d)** :

Now good day.

_He grabs his coat and heads for the door._

**KELSO** :

Fez -

**FEZ** :

I said, “good day!”

_He throws his hand up as he leaves the Hub. Kelso shakes his head and takes the basket in his hands._

**ERIC** : 

Hey, you guys – honestly, you don’t think Donna’s... you know, bored, right? ‘Cause those guys in the movie... they didn’t do the same move twice. And I’ve done the same move, like, always.

**KELSO** :

Yup. I bet they go to a special school or something. I mean, they’re like doctors at doing it.

_He gains a faraway look in his eye, contemplating the concept. Eric gives him a funny look, which makes Kelso bow his head and cradle the fries._

_Hyde looks over at both of them and scowls._

**HYDE** :

Will you two shut up? God, I can’t believe we went to a nudie flick and all you can talk about is the guys.

_He turns away, disgusted. Eric and Kelso share a look._

**KELSO** :

(to Eric)

He’s got a point.

**HYDE** :

(quietly)

The things those chicks did in that movie. There’s gotta be at least a few chicks around here know how to do some of that stuff, too. And I’m missing out on it, man!

_He slams a fist down on the table, giving Eric and Kelso a jump. They look over at Hyde and lean away from him._

**ERIC** :

(beat)

Hyde, you haven’t been using the stuff you swiped from the precinct, have you?

_Hyde turns to glare at them. Eric holds up his hands as Kelso keeps munching fries._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY**

****

_Later that afternoon. Kitty is preparing her seven-layer salad. Paula leans on the stovetop, looking around the kitchen. Red stands near the fridge, nursing a beer._

**KITTY** :

(while working)

So, Paula, tell me more about the ship captain.

**PAULA:**

Oh, that was just a fling, you know?

**RED** :

Didn’t you have a fiancé the last time we saw you?

**KITTY** :

Red, now, there is no reason to re-hash ancient history, is there?

**PAULA** :

(to Kitty)

No, it’s okay.

(to Red)

It turned out he lived on some sort of commune where everyone called him “God.” And there were guns. And I could really never figure out why God would need a gun. But there were some fun parties – woo!

_She laughs, waving off the memory._

**PAULA (cont’d)** : 

Life has gotten so much better since I moved to Indianapolis. I mean, things move so much faster in the big city. One day you’re wondering if you’ll ever find happiness and the next, you’re waving the starting flag at the Indy 500.

_Red’s head snaps her way – he’s finally, really paying attention._

**RED** :

You waved the Indy flag?

_Paula nods. Red sets his beer down and takes a step toward her, his mouth hanging open. Paula smiles and Kitty shifts on her feet._

**PAULA** :

Well, enough about me. Kitty, dear, what have you been up to?

_Kitty stops her work on the salad and turns toward her sister._

**KITTY** :

Well, you know, it’s funny you should ask, because we have been super, super busy.

(laughs)

I – I – well, you know I was working at the hospital, but with Red back to work and - and with the kids and everything, I decided to – to stay home, and...

_She looks around, as if desperate for something interesting to say._

**RED** :

(to Paula)

So, did you meet Dick Trickle?

_Kitty blushes at the name and throws a hand over her face. Red gives a “what?” sort of a shrug._

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN BEDROOM – NIGHT**

_Red and Kitty are tucked in for the night. They both sit up in bed. Kitty has her HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK open, while Red is re-counting Paula’s money._

**KITTY** :

Oh, well, will you look at this? Here’s me, captain of the cheerleaders. “Most likely to succeed.” “Best laugh.”

(laughs)

Oh, here’s Paula.

_She tilts the yearbook Red’s way and points to a page. Red’s face curdles at what he sees._

**RED** :

What’s that on her cheek?

**KITTY** :

Oh, she had a little sledding accident with her face that year.

_Red rolls his eyes._

**RED** :

Typical.

**KITTY:**

(laughs)

I know.

(beat)

Things were so different then.

_She flips a page. In the upper-right corner is a black-and-white photograph of a YOUNG KITTY, posing with a tiara at the homecoming dance, while a YOUNG PAULA struggles with spilled punch down her dress in the background. The photo grows off the page, and we cut to:_

**INT. DANCE HALL – NIGHT**

_FLASHBACK. Kitty stands proud, the homecoming queen, while Paula scrubs furiously at her stained dress._

_A TALL GIRL gives Kitty a big hug._

**TALL GIRL** :

Kitty! You so deserve this. You’re the best.

**KITTY** :

Oh, aren’t you sweet?

_She gives a little wave and a laugh, already recognizably hers. The tall girl moves on, and a CORNY GUY in a bad bowtie sidles up to Kitty._

**CORNY GUY** :

Boy, oh, boy. Chet sure is lucky. He’s got the keenest girl in school!

**KITTY** :

Oh, stop!

_A still-stained Paula, with her date MARVIN, comes up behind Kitty and draws her attention._

**PAULA** :

Congratulations, Kitty.

**KITTY** :

Thanks, Paula.

**PAULA** :

I knew you’d win. You always do.

**KITTY** :

(beat)

No, not always.

_CHET, Kitty’s date, strolls over and takes Kitty by the arm._

**CHET** :

Well, I want a kiss from the queen.

**KITTY** :

Well, Chet, you have been an awfully loyal subject.

_Kitty kisses his cheek and adjusts his suit._

**PAULA** :

You guys, I’d like you to meet my date, Marvin.

_She turns, but Marvin is no longer at her side. Instead, he’s making out with the tall girl from earlier. Paula takes this pathetically well._

**PAULA (cont’d)** :

Marvin? Sweetie? Sweetie?

_Kitty looks away, uncomfortable._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BEDROOM – NIGHT**

_Kitty stares down at her yearbook and sighs._

**KITTY:**

And now, I’m a housewife and she goes on cruises with Dick Trickle.

_She sets the yearbook on her nightstand and sighs again._

_Red has gone from counting the money in his hands to spreading it out on the bed._

**RED:**

You don’t know what she’s not telling you. I mean, just because she’s more successful than you doesn’t mean that she’s happy.

_Kitty slowly turns and glares at Red._

**KITTY** :

“More successful?”

**RED** :

Well, it’s just that she has so many...

_He looks up from the cash and sees his wife’s face._

**RED (cont’d)** :

And she’s – she’s very... look, money!

_He holds up the wad of bills. Kitty is not amused._

CUT TO:

**INT. ERIC’S ROOM – NIGHT**

_The lights are on, but the action goes on. Eric and DONNA are going at it. Eric blows into Donna’s ear before kissing her neck._

**DONNA** :

I love it when you do that.

_Eric looks up, his face just above Donna’s._

**ERIC:**

Good to know, good to know. How about when I do – this?

_He goes back in and raises the covers, sparing the censor. The awful porn music from the movie begins to play as we move in on an ACTION FIGURE with its hand over its face, its fingers suggestively positioned._

_RECORD SCRATCH – hard._

**DONNA** :

Geez, Eric! What the hell?

_Donna sticks out from the sheets and wraps them around herself, moving as far from Eric as she can. He struggles to emerge from inside the bed._

**ERIC** :

Okay, okay, I’ll just go back up to the ear.

_It’s the wrong thing to say. Donna climbs out of bed, over Eric._

**DONNA** :

Get away from me, you pig! Where are my pants!

**ERIC** :

What? Wait – it was an accident!

_Donna bolts from the room without a look or a word. Eric futilely retrieves a feather from the headboard shelf._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Look, I have a feather.

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**EXT. FORMAN PORCH – DAY**

_The next morning. Donna and Jackie sit on the Forman’s porch. Donna whispers into Jackie’s ear. With each word, Jackie looks more and more repulsed._

**JACKIE** :

He did? What the heck for?

**DONNA** :

I don’t know! In, like, what universe is _that_ sexy?

**JACKIE** :

Only one – the skinny pervert universe!

_Both girls shudder._

**DONNA** :

It was so strange. I mean, usually he just sticks to, like, two or three key moves. The pig.

**JACKIE** :

The freak.

_Jackie scoots closer and put an arm around Donna’s shoulders._

**DONNA** :

(moans)

He had just done the ear thing, too. You know, when you have something that works, just stick with it!

_She buries her head in her hands as Jackie pats her back – though not without pulling a face._

**BUMPER**

_MUSIC NOTE: “Bad Bad Leroy Brown” by Jim Croce._

**INT. HUB – DAY**

_A lazy Sunday afternoon. Only a few teens are passing their time there. “Bad Bad Leroy Brown” plays on the jukebox._

_A few GUYS IN LEATHER JACKETS huddle in a corner, each with a BABE under their arms. Hyde sits near the foosball table with a SOBBING BRUNETTE. An empty fries basket and a check are on a small round table to her right._

**BRUNETTE** :

And so I was running late, and I didn’t have a chance to call ahead and let Jake know, y’know? So I get to his place around 9, and when I went in, he was there with my friend Susie.

_She sniffs, dabs at her eyes with a handkerchief. Hyde nods, encouraging her to continue._

**BRUNETTE (cont’d)** :

At least, I think it was Susie – it was hard to tell, when all I could see were her legs around Jake’s neck!

_A fresh wave of tears spills out of her, and she buries her head in her hands. Hyde gives a sympathetic half-nod and puts a hand on the back of her chair._

**HYDE** :

I’m hearing a cry for a little sympathy and affection. And I’m here for you. And I can also be there for you, in the flatbed of my truck, in about ten minutes.

_The brunette looks up at Hyde, her tear-streaked face trusting and vulnerable. Hyde leans away from her, and we cut to:_

_FANTASY SEQUENCE. HYDE’S POV. Jackie is in place of the brunette, an absolute train wreck of tears and bad hair. Dramatic lighting accentuates her depression._

****

**JACKIE** :

Oh, Steven! It was horrible! I thought Michael loved me! I trusted him! How could he do that to me - how? _How?_ What am I gonna do? Now I’m all alone...

_She throws he head back, bawling, as the fantasy fades away._

_Hyde withdraws his arm from the brunette’s chair. He scoots back slightly, takes her hand, and pats it._

**HYDE** :

Uh – you know, though, you gotta be careful on the rebound. So, uh, why don’t I...

_He takes the check, looks it over, and leaves some money on the table._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

Yeah, and... you call up some friends who can... you know, support... and, uh –

_One of the leather jacket guys, a tough-looking S.O.B., marches over and pulls Hyde’s chair around to face him._

**GUY** :

Hey! What are you doing with my girl, man?

**HYDE** :

You Jake?

_The guy nods. Hyde nods back before he elbows Jake hard in the gut. He stands, kicking his chair aside. Jake recovers up to his full height. Now that they’re both standing, it’s clear that Jake is at least two heads taller than Hyde is. Hyde stares up at Jake’s fuming mug._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

Oh, holy hell.

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY**

_Early afternoon. Paula is at the stovetop with a pan, some dough, and a rolling pin. Kitty enters through the living room with a basket of laundry and sees her sister at work. She hesitates for a moment, then sets down the laundry and crosses to the stovetop._

**KITTY** :

So, um, what’s going on here? Packing a picnic lunch for your next African safari?

_They share a laugh._

**PAULA** :

No, I thought I’d make my strudel for the boys. It feels nice, having people to cook for.

**KITTY** :

Huh.

(beat)

Well, um – sounds like your, uh, jet-set life gets pretty lonely, huh?

**PAULA** :

Oh, no, I have lots of friends.

**KITTY** :

Oh, right, right. But, um – all the friends in the world don’t make up for having to come home from the Bahamas to an empty house, do they?

**PAULA** :

I actually enjoy my privacy.

**KITTY** :

Hmmm.

(beat)

Privacy, loneliness. It’s a fine line, isn’t it?

_Paula sets the rolling pin down and turns to face Kitty._

**PAULA** :

Okay, Kitty, is something wrong?

**KITTY** :

Yeah, something is wrong. Why are you here?

**PAULA** :

Because I missed you. And I wanted you to see that I’m finally okay.

**KITTY** :

Okay or better than me?

**PAULA** :

Better than you? Oh, Kitty. You’re my sister and I... okay, fine! I’m finally a success and I wanted to come back and rub your face in it! And I did, and I liked it!

_She stands up tall and gives a snotty nod. Kitty stares her down._

**KITTY** :

Well, good for you. It must have been hard, living in my shadow because I was popular and you weren’t, and I had a life and you didn’t. That’s right, I said it! You heard me! You were a schlub! _A schlub_!

_The sisters glare, daggers in their eyes._

_Paula breaks first, falling into laughter. Kitty follows her, and they embrace._

**KITTY** :

Oh, I am so sorry.

**PAULA** :

Oh, I’m sorry too.

**KITTY** :

I just... I don’t know what is the matter with me.

_She starts tidying up around the stovetop, just to keep her hands busy._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

I should be just thrilled that you’re finally on your feet, and instead, I’m just... I’m acting like a jealous little ninny.

_Paula stops Kitty’s tidying and takes her hands._

**PAULA** :

Kitty, would you like a makeover?

**KITTY** :

Oh, I really would.

**PAULA** : 

Okay.

_They laugh and hug again._

**KITTY** :

(beat)

I won’t look like a whore, will I?

_Paula shakes her head and leads Kitty out of the kitchen._

CUT TO:

**INT. FOTOHUT - DAY**

_A not-so-rare lull in business. LEO sits at the counter, absent-mindedly thumbing through photographs spread out on the countertop, while Hyde paces restlessly behind him. His lip is busted and his knuckles are bruised._

**HYDE** :

This is _bad_ , man. Everywhere I look, everywhere I go, every chick I try to score, she’s there. I don’t know what’s happening, but I don’t like it. I mean, this isn’t me, man! I don’t buy into the sham of attachment!

_He stops pacing and starts soapboxing, his voice rising with each sentence._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

No emotions! No commitment! No shackles of the female race keeping me down! She thinks she can work her way into my head? She thinks she can chase me down until I take her out, then still own me even when the kiss didn’t take? Well, I’ve got news for you, Burkhart! I’m not falling for that –

_He’s right on the verge of hyperventilating. Leo leaps to his feet and shakes Hyde roughly by the shoulders._

**LEO** :

Cool it, dude! Now look, man – your attitude has been alienating customers all day and is contributing to an unprofessional work environment.

_This flash of competence from Leo is enough to snap Hyde out of it._

**LEO (cont’d):**

Now I’m sorry, man, but I’ve got no choice. There’s only one thing to do about a situation like this.

CUT TO:

_THE CIRCLE. The cramped space of the FotoHut really lets the smoke build up. Leo nods, contented, as he lights some incense._

_Pan to Hyde, now with a sleepy, happy smile. He coughs and stretches._

**HYDE:**

Thanks, Leo. I dunno, man. I just never thought I’d feel this way about a girl, you know? Especially a 95-pound midget with a voice that makes dogs deaf.

_Pan to Leo._

**LEO** :

I used to live with midgets, man. And clowns. And elephants. We went all around the country in a big train. Set up this big striped tent wherever we stopped, and everyone came out to see us. Hey, you know what? I think I was in the circus, man.

_Pan to Hyde._

**HYDE** :

I mean, I could see, purely as a social experiment, dating someone like Jackie, you know? A chick from corrupt, Republican, corporate stooge money. A child of the Man. Bring her into the full range of experience offered by the world of sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll, and you turn the Man’s own child against him.

_Pan to Leo._

**LEO** :

That ain’t funny, man. You know my kids turned against me. Like once, we were talking, and we were turned toward each other. Then something happened over their shoulders, and they turned to look at it, and then they were turned against me, man.

_Pan to Hyde._

**HYDE** :

See, it’s like I’m the virus, and Jackie’s patient zero. Through her, I corrupt the system from the inside. That’s how you bring on the revolution, man!

_A horn honks. Hyde looks out the hut window._

**HYDE (cont’d):**

Huh.

(to Leo)

I think we gotta go back work.

_Pan to Leo._

**LEO** :

Now what have I told you about working while you’re on the job, man?

_He gives a long, slow, disappointed shake of his head._

CUT TO:

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - DAY**

_The Thunderbird still sits in the driveway. Red stands by its side, shaking his head._

**RED** :

(to the car)

You poor pink bastard.

_The patio door slides open, and out steps Kitty, in a prim outfit and just slightly garish make-up._

**RED (cont’d):**

(to Kitty)

Well, well, what have we here?

_She strolls over to the car, sits on the trunk, and strikes a pose._

**RED (cont’d)** :

All right.

_He checks his watch and leans in toward Kitty._

**RED (cont’d)** :

I got 20 minutes ‘til my wife gets back, so pucker up!

_He and Kitty laugh, embrace, and kiss._

_Paula comes up behind them, her bags in hand._

**PAULA** :

Okay, you two lovebirds. I’m off.

_Red and Kitty break apart. Some of Kitty’s bright red lipstick has smeared off over Red’s mouth._

**PAULA (cont’d)** :

Bye-bye, Red.

_She gives him a kiss on the cheek, and playfully pokes at his lipstick smear. Kitty hops off the car and hugs her sister._

**KITTY** :

Oh, Paula. Thank you so much.

**PAULA** :

Oh, Kitty, what are sisters for, huh? I’ll talk to you in a couple of days. And you remember what I said: _recherche de vie pour vivre la vie_.

**KITTY** :

_Oui oui, ma soeur._

_She and Paula wave goodbye. Paula packs up, gets into her car, and pulls out, honking her horn as she drives away._

**RED** :

(to Kitty)

So what’s with all the French? Did she call me something?

**KITTY** :

No. She said, “search for life to live life,” which is my new motto. Paula made me see that I have been in a rut. But the good news is, from now on, I am just going to explore life.

_Red smiles playfully._

**RED** :

But you’re all pretty now, with your big red lips. Isn’t that enough?

_Kitty chuckles and gives him another kiss._

**KITTY** :

Oh, I love you, Red Forman.

(beat)

And no.

_She heads back inside._

**BUMPER**

**INT. ERIC’S ROOM – DAY**

_For reasons best known to himself, Eric is checking the inside of his nose in the mirror._

_The door swings open. Donna storms in. Eric quickly backs away from the mirror._

**ERIC** :

Oh, hey. I was just looking at... hey.

**DONNA:**

Okay, where did you get the idea to...

_She looks around. She throws the door shut and leans into Eric, her voice now a tense whisper._

**DONNA (cont’d)** :

Do what you did?

_Eric sighs, his shoulders slump._

**ERIC** :

I went to see this movie, and it was a... well, I guess you could call it an art film.

**DONNA** :

Eric!

**ERIC** :

Okay, fine, Donna, it was an X-rated film. And it just - there were all these people, and they were doing all these things that we’ve never done. And it seemed liked they really enjoyed doing this one thing especially. And I just thought, ‘you know who would enjoy doing that one thing especially? My lady.’

_He offers a cheesy smile._

**DONNA** :

Eric, listen to me, because this is gosh-darn important. You don’t do that. Not without asking.

**ERIC** :

(beat)

So, if I had asked -

**DONNA** :

The answer’s still no!

_Eric nods. Donna crosses to the bed._

**DONNA (cont’d):**

Eric, are you bored with our sex life?

_Eric joins her on the bed._

**ERIC** :

Oh, God, no! Just the opposite. I figured that you had to be bored. And it was our hundredth time, and I just wanted to do something special.

**DONNA** :

Oh, my God, you count?

**ERIC** :

(beat)

No.

**DONNA** :

Oh, my God, that’s so sweet. But do me a favor: next time you’re gonna do something weird, give me a little more warning so I can brace myself. Or tell you to back the hell off.

**ERIC** :

Right.

**DONNA** :

Because no matter how much I love you – that was unpleasant.

_Eric nods, the message received._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**CREDITS**

**INT. FOTOHUT - DAY**

_FANTASY SEQUENCE. HYDE’S POV. Jackie is just outside the window of the FotoHut, sitting behind the wheel of a black sports car. She looks utterly pissed._

**JACKIE:**

What is taking so long? God, I can’t believe you’re wasting all your potential in this smelly old hut with that greasy hippie. You need to stop goofing around! Hello? Are you even listening to me?

_Hard cut from the fantasy to Hyde, shaking his head._

**HYDE (v.o.)** :

(thoughts)

 _Wait – I’m attracted to_ _this?_

_We now see what triggered his fantasy: an IRATE CUSTOMER, a hot but vicious-looking redhead waiting for her photos._

**CUSTOMER** :

Hello? Where’s my film, moron?

**HYDE:**

(beat)

Oh, holy hell.

**END.**


	6. J/H 3-20: Fez Dates Donna

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'll notice that the "B" plot of Kelso and Jackie as friends was cut from "Kitty's Birthday." That's an important step for both characters, even with Jackie/Hyde running through this version of the season. So you can find it as the "B" story here - with a significant role for Hyde to play...
> 
> (We're also assuming that changes to production order continue, with "Holy Craps!" becoming 3-19 without any other changes, and this episode following after.)

**SHOW TITLE**

_MUSIC NOTE: “So Very Hard to Go” by Tower of Power._

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY**

_The gang laze around. “So Very Hard to Go” plays on the radio. HYDE sits in his chair, reading a newspaper. ERIC and KELSO stand behind the couch, tossing a small ball back and forth. DONNA and JACKIE sit on the couch. Jackie has her coat on and her bag over her shoulder._

**JACKIE** :

Hey, Donna, wanna go to the mall? Rerun from _What’s Happening!!_ is opening up the new Dairy Queen.

**DONNA** :

Actually, Jackie, as fun as that sounds... um, no.

_She picks up a magazine from the coffee table and dives into it._

_Kelso, who has the ball, whips his head around. He tosses the ball back toward Hyde’s room (where it makes a loud crash) and jumps over the couch to sit on Jackie’s left._

**KELSO:**

(to Jackie)

What? “Hey _hey_ hey!” I’m in.

_Jackie thinks for a second, then nods._

**JACKIE** :

Okay. Just give me one second.

_She stands and heads up the stairs. Kelso leans back and spreads his arms out over the back of the couch._

_Donna looks up from the magazine._

**DONNA** :

(to Kelso)

So you two are finally getting along?

**KELSO** :

Yep. It’s this new thing we’re trying. We’re friends.

_Donna smiles and turns back to her magazine._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

Yeah. See, that’s Phase One.

_Donna puts the magazine down, Hyde snaps his newspaper down, and Eric sits on the back of the couch behind Donna._

**DONNA** :

Oh, God.

_Kelso turns towards his friends, a big grin on his face._

**KELSO** :

See, I did some reflecting, and I realized that Jackie is the only girl I wanna be with.

**ERIC** :

(beat)

Today?

**KELSO:**

No, every day. See, we were meant to be together. She just doesn’t know it yet. So the plan is - see, she wants to be just friends, right? Okay, so I’ll be her friend. But what she doesn’t realize is that I’m also a boy. Yeah, and sooner or later, “friend” is gonna lead down the path to “boy.” And then I’ll be her friend-boy.

_The others just stare, dumbfounded by dumb. Eric finally manages to nod._

**ERIC** :

(flat)

Kelso, this may be your greatest plan ever.

_Oblivious to tone, Kelso nods like a spastic child._

_Jackie comes back down the stairs and nabs her beret from on top of the speakers._

**JACKIE** :

Okay, I’m ready.

**KELSO** :

Let’s go, friend.

_They head out the door._

**HYDE** :

That is his worst plan ever.

_He puts his newspaper back up. Eric and Donna share a knowing look._

**DONNA** :

(to Hyde)

Yeah, it’s only good when you do it, right?

**HYDE** :

(beat)

Excuse me?

**DONNA** :

Come on, Hyde. Just drop the act.

(doing Hyde)

“Fine, Jackie, I’ll give you a ride. Okay, Jackie, I’ll teach you to play chess.”

**ERIC** :

(doing Hyde)

“Whatever, Jackie, I’ll show you the basics of vandalism and larceny.”

_They laugh. Hyde crumples his newspaper and chucks it at Eric, then turns toward the TV, arms crossed tight._

**DONNA** :

Face it, Hyde: ever since that one date with Jackie, you’ve been doing whatever you can to spend time with her. You’re just like Kelso.

**ERIC** :

Not quite, Donna. See -

_He adopts a pose of mock-thought._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

With Kelso, it’s like Jackie has a stupid horndog puppy that will do anything she says but sometimes needs a time-out for humping someone’s leg. But with Hyde, I’m thinking more of a scrappy, angry guard dog who won’t let you pet him because, you know, he was abandoned, but deep down is really just desperate for one person – just one person – to protect, love, and be loved in return.

_He and Donna both make long puppy-dog faces at Hyde, even with his back half-turned. He takes a deep breath, then launches himself at Eric. They fall back behind the couch, fighting, as Donna cracks up._

**BUMPER**

**INT. HUB - DAY**

_FEZ sits at the wall table, slurping happily at a soda while he does homework._

_The bathroom door swings open, and CAROLINE is there, with a less-than-cheering smile._

**CAROLINE** :

Hi, Fez!

_Fez screams and moves as far down as the booth seat will allow._

**FEZ** :

Caroline! What are you doing?

_Caroline strolls out to stand over Fez._

**CAROLINE** :

I knew you’d be in here. I’ve been watching you.

**FEZ** :

Caroline, you have to leave me alone.

**CAROLINE** :

(stomps foot)

But I wanna be with you!

**FEZ** :

But I told you, we’re through because I am with Donna. Yes? Remember Donna?

**CAROLINE** :

Well, you better be, because if you’re not, that means you still love me. And if you still love me, but you’re not with me, I’ll find out, and I’ll make you pay.

**FEZ** :

(scoffs)

Well, that would only be scary if I was lying about Donna and me.

_He giggles nervously, slowly trailing off under the pressure of Caroline’s dagger eyes._

**MAIN CREDITS**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY**

_Eric is alone on the couch, going over homework spread out over the coffee table. Fez bursts in through the basement door and hurries to Eric’s side._

**FEZ** :

Oh, Eric! I’m so afraid. When I broke up with crazy Caroline, I told her I was dating Donna. But I’m not dating Donna, you are dating Donna.

(beat)

Could I borrow Donna?

_Eric sets his pencil down and considers things for a minute._

**ERIC** :

(shrugs)

Sure.

_He goes right back to his homework as Fez sighs with relief and pats Eric on the shoulder._

CUT TO:

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY**

_A pleasant enough afternoon. BOB is bent over, using a measuring tape on the pavement near the hedges. RED walks up behind him._

**RED** :

Need something, Bob?

_Bob snaps the tape shut and stands._

**BOB** :

Well, it’s a funny thing. The wife and I, we’re taking out a second mortgage on the house. Well, that’s not the funny part ‘cause we’re pretty much destitute.

**RED:**

(beat)

It’s a little bit funny, Bob.

**BOB** :

Anyways, I’m looking at the deed to the property. And the map shows that I own a couple feet of your driveway and a little bit of your garage.

**RED** :

(beat)

How’d you like to own a little bit of my foot in your ass?

**BOB** :

(beat)

I wouldn’t, to be quite honest.

**RED** :

It’s free.

_They stand there, halfway between amicable and hostile._

CUT TO:

**INT. MALL – DAY**

_It’s not the Kenosha outlet, but it’s all Point Place has. A few shoppers walk the floor as Jackie and Kelso admire some well-dressed mannequins in a store window. Kelso points to one in particular._

**KELSO:**

See, the boatneck adds dimension to your shoulders, and the plum color, that really accents your jewel-toned eyes.

_Jackie gapes at him, impressed._

**JACKIE:**

Oh, my God. Michael, you just selected my perfect outfit. You are so good at this!

**KELSO:**

Yeah, I have a knack for ensembles.

_They both take in the mannequin some more, beaming._

**JACKIE** :

You know, Michael, I’m really enjoying our new friendship together.

**KELSO** :

Really? Me, too.

**JACKIE** :

Yeah, you know, the makeup, shopping, braiding each other’s hair... you are like the perfect girlfriend.

**KELSO** :

Well, thanks, Jackie.

(beat)

Wait... girlfriend?

**JACKIE** :

Yeah. I mean, Donna’s nice and everything, but she kind of dresses like a trucker.

_She adjusts her bag and heads inside the store. Kelso just stands by the window, pouting. He scratches behind his ear in a rather dog-like manner._

_Jackie sticks her head out of the entrance._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

Michael?

_With a jump and a little half-yip, Kelso follows her inside._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY**

_Closer to evening than afternoon. Donna and Eric sit on one end of the couch, Eric’s arm behind her, while Fez stands by the other end._

**FEZ** :

Donna, I can’t thank you enough for agreeing to help me with Caroline.

**DONNA** :

Hey, anything for a friend. But if she tries to hurt me, I’m using you as a shield.

**FEZ** :

Likewise.

**ERIC** :

(to Donna)

Hey, I just thought of something: if you’re gonna be with Fez, I’ll be back to living the single life.

**DONNA** :

Oh, now you won’t get to take me to see _The Turning Point_.

**ERIC** :

(mocking)

The ballerina movie? Oh, no.

_Donna shakes her head, taking his sarcasm in stride._

**BUMPER**

**INT. HUB – NIGHT**

_Teens chilling out at the tables, plenty of witnesses – it’s show time for Fez and Donna. They stand near the juke box, Donna relaxed and Fez not quite so._

**FEZ** :

So, our first date. I guess we’re officially a couple now. A couple of knuckleheads, huh?

(laughs)

Oh, I make me laugh.

_Donna humors him with a silent laugh herself._

_Caroline enters and stakes out a position just a few feet back from Fez and Donna. Her eyes are squarely fixed on them._

**DONNA** :

(whispers)

Oh, there she is.

**FEZ** :

(whispers)

Okay. Show time.

_He feeds a quarter into the juke box. “I Only Want To Be With You” as covered by the Bay City Rollers kicks on, and Fez and Donna begin to dance, to Caroline’s disgust. We begin a:_

_MONTAGE. SET TO THE SONG. The entire date, condensed._

_A) Fez and Donna share a soda with twirly straws while Caroline pouts behind them._

**SONG (v.o.):**

_I don’t know what it is that makes me love you so_

_I only know I never want to let you go..._

_B) They arm wrestle, which Donna wins (Fez turns away to hide the pain in his wrist)._

**SONG (v.o.):**

_‘Cause you started something. Can’t you see_

_That ever since we met, you’ve had a hold on me..._

_C) They share a basket of fries, bumping hands as they both reach in, feeding each other, and chowing down on an extra-long one to meet in the middle for a kiss, even as Caroline’s suspicious face pops up between them._

**SONG (v.o.):**

_It happens to be true_

_I only wanna be with you_

_It doesn’t matter where you go or what you do_

_I want to spend each moment of the day with you_

_Look what has happened with just one kiss_

_I never knew I could be in love like this..._

_The montage ends back at the dancing. Fez gets Donna into a dip._

**SONG (v.o.):**

_It’s crazy, but it’s true_

_I only want to be with you_

_You stopped and smiled at me -_

_The others in the Hub applaud, but Caroline yanks the juke box’s chord and stomps outside. Recovering, Fez and Donna trade high-fives. Once again, Fez turns away to hide his limp wrist._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT**

_Eric living the single life. He may be enjoying it, but it’s not a pretty sight: chip bags and a pizza box littering the coffee table, and Eric in just a T-shirt and boxers._

**ERIC** :

(stretching)

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, should I watch a ballerina movie or _Get Smart_?

(snaps fingers)

 _Get Smart_ it is. That’s right, I said _Get Smart_.

_He gets up and flips on the TV. On his way back to the couch, he takes the last slice of pizza from the box._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

I’m sorry, Donna? Did you want the last piece? Well, it’s too late. That’s right, I said “too late.” Yeah, just me in my natural state here, baby. I’m dirty, I’m lazy, and I don’t wear pants.

_He laughs, munches away at the pizza. His expression shifts; we don’t need the noise to know what he just did._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Yeah, that was me. That’s right, _that_ _was_ _me_.

_He finishes off the pizza and sinks even deeper into the couch._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN GARAGE - DAY**

_The next morning. Bob is at Red’s worktable, clearing space. He’s already made quite a pile on the ground behind him._

_Red and KITTY march over to Bob._

**RED** :

Bob, that’s my stuff! You put the hell back my stuff!

**BOB** :

Sorry, Red. It was in my part of the garage.

_He keeps clearing off the table._

**KITTY** :

(to Bob)

What are you talking about?

(to Red)

What is he talking about?

**RED** :

Kitty – Kitty, let me talk to him.

(to Bob)

Bob, get the hell out of my garage!

**BOB** :

Fine.

_He takes one exaggerated step back toward the table, grinning._

**BOB (cont’d)** :

There ya go.

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT**

_Much later in the day. Eric shuffles cards in the lawn chair, Hyde reads a magazine in his chair, and Jackie sits at the couch, homework spread out over the coffee table._

**JACKIE** :

You know, Mr. Winslow’s class isn’t nearly as tough as Donna made it sound. He’s the first English teacher since sixth grade to let me do a book report on _Nancy Drew._

_Hyde looks up, disgusted._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

Now, I just have to decide between _The Sky Phantom_ or _The Strange Message in the Parchment_.

**HYDE** :

Oh, how about _The Mindless Cookie-Cutter Dreck?_

_He blows a raspberry. Jackie scowls at him._

**JACKIE:**

Whatever. It got Mr. Winslow’s “okay.”

**HYDE** :

Jackie, we call Mr. Winslow “Mr. Wino.” That whole assignment is crap, but if you’re gonna do it, you could at least read something that makes you think.

**JACKIE** : 

Oh, thinking’s your answer to everything!

_She folds her arms and pouts._

**HYDE** : 

Come on, man. There’s so much out there. _Fear and Loathing, The Drifters, In Watermelon Sugar..._

_The last title catches Jackie’s interest._

**JACKIE** :

Is that last one a cookbook? Because I do love sweetened watermelon.

_Hyde gives her a long look, then tosses his magazine aside and stands._

**HYDE** :

That’s it. Get your coat.

_He starts walking toward the door. Confused, Jackie hurries after, nabbing her coat from the back of the couch._

**JACKIE** :

Where’re we going?

**HYDE** :

The library.

**JACKIE** :

(scoffs)

Oh, come on. Steven, it’s past seven. The library’s closed by now.

**HYDE** :

You got a bobby pin?

_Jackie’s hand goes to her hair._

**JACKIE** :

Yeah...

**HYDE** :

Then it ain’t gonna be closed for long.

_He opens the door, letting a still-confused Jackie exit first. Eric looks over his shoulder at Hyde and grins._

**ERIC:**

(as if to a dog)

Aww... such a good guard dog. Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? Yes he is, isn’t he?

_Hyde lunges, frogs Eric in the arm, and leaves._

_Once the door is closed, Eric gets to his feet and starts undoing his belt._

**ERIC** :

Thank God. I thought they’d never leave.

_He manages to get one-and-half pants legs free when Donna comes in through the door. Without even looking up, Eric pulls his pants back up and sits on the couch._

**DONNA** :

No, no. Don’t get all gussied up for me. I just came by to make sure you’re okay. You know, not too lonely without me.

**ERIC** :

What, are you kidding me? I’m having a great time! I – I feel like I’ve really learned a lot about Eric.

_Donna sits next to him._

**DONNA** :

Oh. Well, I’m glad you’re having fun.

**ERIC** :

Oh, but, what about you? Pretending to be Fez’s girlfriend has to be kind of a drag, right?

**DONNA** :

No! Fez is great. Last night he took me to play putt-putt, and tonight he’s taking me on a hayride. Fez is so charming. You know, I can see why Caroline’s stalking him.

**ERIC** :

(beat)

You know, I would’ve taken you on a hayride –

**DONNA** :

Eric – the important this is that you’re having a great time, and I’m having a great time. So have a great time.

**ERIC** :

No, you have a great time.

**DONNA** :

Oh, I will.

_She rises and leaves._

**ERIC** :

Well, I will too!

_Eric jumps up, fully takes off his pants, and stands tall in the Superman pose._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY**

_Early morning, before school. Eric, still without pants, lies across the couch, magazines and junk food bags littered around him. Fez sits in the lawn chair, contented._

**FEZ** :

Eric, I cannot thank you enough for lending me your girlfriend. It feels so good to be in a normal, healthy relationship.

**ERIC** :

Fez, it’s a fake, pretend relationship.

**FEZ** :

You say “tomato,” I say “tomato.”

_He’s missed the point of the phrase; the pronunciations are the same._

**ERIC** :

Fez, “to- _mah_ -to.”

**FEZ** :

What?

**ERIC** :

You say “to-mah-to.”

**FEZ:**

Why would I say “to-mah-to?” That’s not even a word, dummy.

**ERIC** :

(beat)

Yeah, I’m sorry.

**FEZ** :

It’s okay, Eric. Different strokes for different strokes.

_Eric considers, but lets that one go._

**ERIC** :

Right.

**FEZ** :

All I know is, if I was married to a woman like Donna it would be heavens. Oh, the hijinks we would get into.

_He smiles, shakes his head, and looks up. We cut to:_

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – DAY**

_FANTASY SEQUENCE. BLACK AND WHITE. The heart from I LOVE LUCY covers the screen, then fades away. Fez, as Ricky, strolls in through the front door and slips his jacket off._

**FEZ** : 

Lucy, I’m home!

**DONNA (v.o.)** :

Ricky, is that you?

_Donna, as Lucy, staggers in from the kitchen, grimacing. The whole front of her dress and apron is covered in molasses. Fez lets out the Ricky laugh._

**FEZ** :

Lucy, what happened to you?

**DONNA** :

Oh, Ricky, I was making molasses cookies for your band and I had an accident!

_She cries and Fez laughs._

**FEZ** :

Oh, Lucy.

_He gives her a big hug. When he tries to let go, however, he can’t._

**FEZ (cont’d)** :

Uh-oh.

**DONNA** :

Ricky – we’re stuck!

_The doorbell rings._

**FEZ** :

I’ll get it.

_He tries to get free again, but they’re good and stuck. He waddles toward the door, pulling Donna with him, muttering in Spanish all the while. After hopping up the steps, he manages to get the door._

_In step Red and Kitty as Fred and Ethel. Kitty has a large bowl of flower in her hands._

**RED** :

Hi, neighbors!

**KITTY** :

Lucy, I brought you that flour for your cookies.

**DONNA:**

Oh, Ethel, you’re a pal.

_Red and Kitty take notice of the position Fez and Donna are in._

**KITTY** :

Gee, Fred, would it hurt you to hug me like that?

**RED** :

Well, probably not, but why take the chance?

**FEZ** :

Hey, Fred, we got a sticky situation here. You wanna help us out?

**RED** :

Sure, Rick.

_He gets his arms between them as well as he can and starts to push them apart. The effort starts spinning all three of them around the room._

**DONNA** :

Watch it, Fred!

**RED** :

Boy, you kids really are stuck!

_As he says this, his efforts pay off. Fez and Donna split apart, and Donna spins around until she lands face-first into Kitty’s bowl of flour. She lifts her head up, her face caked in white, and lets out the Lucy whine as the fantasy fades out._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY**

_Back to the present. Fez chuckles at the scene he’s just imagined._

**FEZ** :

Oh, Lucy.

_He hops to his feet._

**FEZ (cont’d)** :

(to Eric)

Well, I’m off to romance our lady.

_He heads for the door. Eric sits up._

**ERIC** :

Oh – hey, Fez? Donna hasn’t been – I don’t know – like, mentioning me or anything?

**FEZ** :

No.

_He exits._

**ERIC** :

Well, that’s – that’s okay. That’s good, ‘cause I haven’t been talking about her either. Of course, I’ve been alone, so I’d just be talking to myself. And that’s not normal. Have to be pretty crazy to talk to myself, wouldn’t I? Yes, I would.

(beat)

Okay, I gotta get some pants.

**BUMPER**

**EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY**

_School has just let out, and kids are heading to their cars or lingering in the lot. Jackie and Kelso lean against the El Camino, looking appraisingly at a BUXOM BLONDE in a tight sweater nearby._

**JACKIE** :

God, would you look at her boobs?

**KELSO** :

(scoffs)

I am. And it’s – it’s disgusting. I mean, what is she thinking, packing in those sweet melons like that? I can’t even look away.

_Jackie looks up at Kelso and smiles._

**JACKIE** :

See, Michael? This is the kind of thing that a girl needs her girlfriend for.

_Kelso gets a very fixed smile himself._

_The blonde waves to Jackie, and she walks over to talk with her. Once Jackie is gone, Kelso’s face slips into a pout, and he balls up his fists and stomps his foot as Hyde comes up by his side._

**KELSO** :

(to Hyde)

Man, what the heck makes Jackie think I’m her girlfriend? All I’ve done was pick out a few of her outfits, paint her nails, give her a facial, and talk with her about other chicks’ jugs.

**HYDE** :

Gee, I don’t know, Denise.

**KELSO:**

Man, it’s not fair! I mean, she hangs out with you a bunch and she doesn’t call _you_ her girlfriend.

(beat)

Wait... wait, are you – man, you said there was nothing going on between you two! But you keep taking her places and teaching her stuff – you stole my plan, didn’t you?

_Hyde gives Kelso a long look._

**HYDE** :

Kelso, as your friend – hand on heart, swear to God – I have never even been tempted to steal one of your plans.

_Kelso’s face scrunches up, trying to figure out if that comes to a burn._

_Jackie crosses back to the boys and pokes Hyde in the chest._

**JACKIE** :

Hey, you. So it turns out “Mr. Wino” wasn’t happy about me changing books for my report. I already lost one grade point. The police went by the library today. And _In Watermelon Sugar_ is giving me a splitting headache.

**KELSO** :

(to Jackie)

Pfft, books. What good are they? I mean, who needs to read when you’re totally hot?

**JACKIE** :

(to Kelso)

That’s true...

(to Hyde)

But, I have to admit – I don’t understand it, but I think I’m enjoying thinking about it.

_Hyde gives her the smallest of approving smiles, and she smiles back. Kelso looks nervously back and forth between them._

_Caroline stomps up behind the three of them, unseen._

**CAROLINE** :

HEY!

_They all jump. Jackie screams. Kelso lets out a high, puppy-like cry, rolls over the hood of the El Camino, and disappears underneath it._

_Caroline advances on Jackie, her nails held up and her eyes bugging out._

**CAROLINE (cont’d)** :

Where is she? Where is that big, dumb, red, moose friend of yours with _my_ Fez? WHERE?

_She grabs at Jackie. Hyde gets between them, and Jackie holds onto the back of his jacket._

**HYDE** :

(gruff, growling)

Hey, can it, Carrie! They’re going to a movie and they left already. Now go on! Scram! Get!

_With each shout he advances, and his voice becomes more of a bark. Caroline retreats, though she never stops glaring at Hyde._

_Kelso gets up from under the car. A dark, oily streak runs down his face, shirt, and jacket._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

Well, looks like I’ve got an oil leak.

(to Jackie)

You think you and Denise here can find another ride home?

_Kelso makes a whimpering puppy-dog face before stomping his way back into school, wiping at his face and shirt. Jackie and Hyde share a commiserating look._

**BUMPER**

**INT. PINCIOTTI KITCHEN - DAY**

_Bob and MIDGE sit at the table, preparing an afternoon snack of coffee, toast, and jam. Their kitchen door flies open, and in march a peeved Kitty and Red._

**KITTY** :

All right, hand over my preserves. They were in our garage, and now they’re not.

**MIDGE** :

Oh, that’s terrible, Kitty. Why don’t you sit down and relax with some toast and homemade jam? We found it in our garage.

**KITTY** :

Jam?

**MIDGE** :

Yeah. We found it in our garage.

**RED** :

It’s our garage!

**KITTY** :

And that’s my jam!

_Midge is spreading jam over a piece of toast. Just as she’s about to take a bite, Kitty takes the toast, smears it across the lip of the jam jar, and hands it back to Midge._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

 _Bon app_ _é_ _tit!_ _Bob stands._

**BOB** :

You know, you two just don’t get it, do you? That jam was on my property. I’ll show you the deed.

_He reaches into a drawer in the island and pulls out a MAP. He opens it up and slaps at a given point._

**BOB (cont’d)** :

There’s my lot... there’s yours... there’s the property line, right there.

_Red studies the map and rolls his eyes. With just a bit of flair, he takes the map from Bob and turns it right-side up._

**BOB (cont’d)** :

(beat)

Oops.

**RED** :

Well, looks like I own part of your property.

**BOB** :

(beat)

I, uh... I will not stand for this trickery! You get out of my house.

**RED** :

No problem.

_Red takes one exaggerated step toward the kitchen door, stops, and grins._

CUT TO:

**INT. THEATER - NIGHT**

_A thin crowd out to see THE TURNING POINT. Fez waits alone in a middle seat in the middle row. Donna comes in on his right._

**DONNA** :

Okay, no one answered the phone at Eric’s house. What could he be doing? Where could he go with no pants?

**FEZ** :

Donna, when we’re in public, you are with me. Eric is dead to you.

_In the row behind them, Caroline makes her way toward the middle seats._

**CAROLINE** :

(to one patron)

Pardon me.

(to another)

MOVE IT!

_She finally manages to claim a seat right behind Fez and Donna._

**FEZ** :

(to Donna)

Oh, boy. Here comes trouble.

(to Caroline)

Caroline.

(laughs)

I was just, um, offering my girlfriend Donna a sip from my straw. We don’t care about germs, because she has had her tongue in my mouth.

_Neither girl looks charmed by that, but when Fez offers Donna a drink, she takes one._

**CAROLINE** :

You know what I think? I think this is all an act. I don’t think you’re really dating.

**FEZ** :

(beat)

Well, maybe... maybe this will convince you.

_He throws himself at Donna and starts to make out._

**FEZ (cont’d)** :

(whispering)

Come on, Donna, put some leg into it!

_Instead, Donna shoves him back into his seat._

**CAROLINE** :

Give me a break. If you were really together, you’d have at least gotten to second base by now.

**FEZ** :

You know, when you are right, you are right.

_He reaches for Donna’s chest, but she slaps his hand down – hard. Donna turns back toward Caroline._

**DONNA** :

All right, all right – enough. Caroline, Fez doesn’t like you.

**CAROLINE** :

(beat)

Is that true, Fez?

**FEZ** :

(wincing)

Yes?

**CAROLINE** :

Wow. I guess we really are over.

(beat)

Okay! Enjoy your movie.

_All sunshine, Caroline gets up and heads back down the row. On her way out, she steps on one PATRON’s foot, a patron in a sweatshirt with a hand over his face._

**PATRON** :

Ow.

**CAROLINE** :

Sorry.

**PATRON** :

It’s okay.

_The patron looks up; it’s Eric._

**CAROLINE** :

Hey, Eric! Lookin’ good. Call me.

_She clicks her tongue and exits._

_Donna and Fez take notice of Eric, turn back to face him._

**DONNA** :

Eric, what are you doing here?

_Eric points at the screen._

**ERIC** :

Are you kidding me? It’s _The Turning Point_! I love ballet movies. They make you think, you know? How did their feet get so pointy? That’s a mystery I’m determined to solve.

_Donna smiles at him and shakes her head._

**ERIC (cont’d)** : 

What?

**DONNA** :

You miss me.

**ERIC** :

Well, you missed me.

**DONNA** :

I really did.

_They smile at one another. Eric steps over the seats, sits next to Donna, and they begin to kiss._

_Fez, looking on, reclaims attention with a wave._

**FEZ:**

(to Eric)

Excuse me. Our date is not over. Now good day, sir.

**ERIC** :

But Fez -

**FEZ** :

I said, “good day.”

**ERIC** :

Fez, I’m not going anywhere.

**FEZ** :

(beat)

Fine. Then good day.

_He stands and heads up the aisle._

**DONNA:**

Fez -

**FEZ** :

I said, “good day!”

_Eric and Donna shrug, smile, and settle in to watch the movie, Eric’s arm around Donna’ shoulders._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**CREDITS**

**INT. FORMAN DINING ROOM - NIGHT**

_FANTASY SEQUENCE. BLACK AND WHITE. THE CIRCLE. Kitty, as Ethel, is eating a brownie._

**KITTY** :

Lucy, these brownies are wonderful! They make me feel silly.

_She scarfs the whole thing down in one go._

_Pan to Donna, as Lucy._

**DONNA** :

Don’t you just love these dried mint flakes? Someone sold ‘em to me off the street!

_Pan to Red, as Fred._

**RED** :

I don’t think these are mint flakes. I’m flyin’!

_Pan to Fez, as Ricky._

**FEZ** :

Lucy, you got some ‘splainin’ to do!

_He does the Ricky laugh._

**END.**


	7. J/H 3-21: The Trials of Michael Kelso

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In doing this project, I haven't touched the "A" stories of any episodes since "Ice Shack." That's a consequence of trying to stick to things that could plausibly have happened on the show; even continuing through Season 3, Zen needs to be in proportion to what its role would've been in the overall story. (It's also a consequence of the "A" stories in the last few episodes not having much, if any, overlap with the "B" stories and runners.)
> 
> Well, in this case, there's a whole new "A" story for "The Trials of Michael Kelso," and what was its "A" story is a significantly altered "B." Jackie and Hyde don't have a single scene together here (just as in the actual episode), but I promise there's payoff to this. And there's also ripple effects spreading into Season 4, because a certain off-screen development there made for the new "A" plot here...

**SHOW TITLE**

**INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT**

_The Hyde residence, as trashed as ever. BUD sits on the couch, watching TV. The door swings open and HYDE enters._

**BUD** :

Hey, there he is!

**HYDE** :

Bud, man, you’re not working tonight?

**BUD** :

Well, the bookie knows to look for me down at the bar, but he doesn’t know where I live.

_He laughs. Hyde tosses his keys onto the counter and sits on the other end of the couch._

**HYDE** :

You in trouble, Bud?

**BUD** :

Oh, no, no no.

(beat)

I mean, most of those guys, when they say “I’ll beat your face in,” that just means “you’ve got another two weeks,” you know?

**HYDE** :

I mean, if you need another loan...

_Bud looks up, expecting. Hyde pulls out a few bills and passes them over. Bud counts them and pockets them._

**BUD** :

Atta boy. Hey, why don’t we go and hit up the nudie bar?

_He gives Hyde a friendly jab to the arm, and Hyde nods and cackles._

**HYDE** :

Now you’re talkin’.

_Bud laughs and pats Hyde’s knee. A knock comes to the door, and Bud pushes himself up._

**BUD** :

Hope you’ve got some singles left. You never know who you’re gonna meet there.

_Chuckling, he opens the door. There stands EDNA HYDE, cigarette in one hand and a suitcase in the other._

**BUD** :

Edna?

_Hyde jumps to his feet._

**HYDE** :

Mom?

_They all stare, no love lost among any of them._

**MAIN CREDITS**

**BUMPER**

**INT. APARTMENT – NIGHT**

_Moments later. Bud looks back and forth from his son to his ex-wife. Finally, he chuckles weakly and beckons Edna inside._

**BUD** :

Hey – Edna! Wow, you look so... older.

_She rolls her eyes. Hyde fumes behind them as Bud gamely tries to stay chipper._

**BUD (cont’d)** :

God, how long’s it been, the three of us all together? Was it that trip out to Milwaukee? You know, the one where they pulled us over on the way back after I hit that deer?

_Edna glares, shoves Bud back by the chest as she strolls into the apartment._

**EDNA** :

No, Bud, it was after the trip to Green Bay where you lost your lunch and your beer all over Phil Bengston’s head. Milwaukee was where you met Jo-Jo the wonder ass.

_She sits down on the couch. Hyde moves as far away from her as he can without leaving the room, but doesn’t escape her notice._

**EDNA (cont’d)** :

(to Bud)

I see you picked up our son.

(to Hyde)

Steven.

**HYDE** :

Edna.

_Edna looks him over._

**EDNA** :

You seem like you’ve held up. I knew you’d be fine.

**HYDE** :

Yeah. That really makes up for you taking off with Truck Stop Terry, huh?

_Edna scowls at him. Bud clears his throat, laughs weakly, and takes his place back on the couch._

**BUD** :

So, Edna – what brings you back to town? Should we, ah, set a plate out for Truck Stop Terry too?

_He looks around for support for the wisecrack but gets none._

**EDNA** :

(to Bud)

Truck Stop Terry is halfway to Nebraska with a hooker named Billie and everything I had marked for the pawn shop. I’ve got no cash left and didn’t have any place else to go.

**HYDE** :

Sucks, doesn’t it?

**EDNA** :

Still a smart ass, I see.

**HYDE** :

There’s the attitude that won you “Mother of the Year” seventeen years running.

**EDNA:**

Hey, you’re lucky I stuck around as long as I did in a little dump town like this. I lasted longer than this one.

_She points roughly to Bud, who looks anywhere but at the two people in the room with him._

**EDNA (cont’d):**

Anyway, I’m back, aren’t I?

**HYDE** :

Don’t give me that crap. You just said you had nowhere else to go, else you wouldn’t be here now.

**BUD** :

Steven –

**HYDE** :

(to Bud)

No, screw this, and screw her! I’ll be at the bar, Dad.

_He leaves quickly, slamming the door after him. Edna and Bud shift around on the couch._

**EDNA** :

Like father, like son, huh?

**BUD** :

He’s a good egg, Edna. Hell, he’s keeping me afloat here.

_Edna looks up, a searching look in her eye._

**EDNA** :

Yeah?

**BUD** :

Yeah. I’m drowning down at the track. You must’ve done something right with him.

**EDNA** :

Eh. The twitchy kid’s folks had more of him than I did.

_She takes a long drag on her cigarette._

**BUD:**

Come on, Ed.

**EDNA** :

(sighs)

Well... that fake I.D. he’ll be using at that bar? Who do you think taught him how to get one of those?

_Bud gives her a congratulatory gesture as she shrugs and smokes._

CUT TO:

**INT. PINCIOTTI LIVING ROOM - NIGHT**

_That same night. DONNA, JACKIE, and KELSO all sit on the couch. Jackie and Kelso’s homework is spread out over the coffee table, while Donna holds a notebook and pencil in her hands._

**DONNA** :

(to Jackie)

So if “x” equals 7, then “y” equals...

**JACKIE** :

2?

**DONNA** :

Wrong. Kelso?

**KELSO** :

Uh... L?

**DONNA** :

(beat)

Also wrong. It’s a pretty simple equation, guys. Just think about it for a second.

_Jackie’s face scrunches up in thought. Kelso stares at her, grinning, and gives her a light nudge with his shoulder._

**KELSO** :

You’re so pretty. You don’t even need to know math.

_Jackie turns to him, beaming._

**JACKIE:**

That’s so weird. I was just thinking the same thing!

_They giggle together. Donna lets out a long sigh._

**DONNA** :

Okay, I think “girls’ study night” needs to go down to just girls.

_Jackie pouts at Donna, but Kelso starts gathering his things._

**KELSO** :

Yeah, I’d better get going.

(to Jackie)

We’re still on for the Hub tomorrow?

**JACKIE** :

Uh-huh.

**KELSO** :

Awesome. See ya then.

_He exits._

_Donna moves down the couch closer to Jackie._

**DONNA:**

Great. Now maybe we can get some work done.

_Not likely; Jackie’s still looking after Kelso’s wake._

**JACKIE** :

Michael’s so sweet. Now that we’ve been spending time together as friends, he’s like a completely different person. He’s changed so much since we broke up.

_She sighs. Donna tries to hide her skeptical expression._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

When I look into his eyes, I can see the maturity and honesty there now. He really has grown up.

_Donna’s expression turns disgusted, and turning her head doesn’t hide it anymore. Jackie scowls at Donna._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

What, you think I’m wrong?

**DONNA** :

Gee, Jackie, let me think. Uh, YEAH! I mean, this is _Kelso_ you’re talking about. Of all the times he’s said he’s learned something and grown up, when has he ever actually learned anything and grown up? And if you’re thinking about getting back together with him -

**JACKIE** :

No, no, no, Donna, I _don’t_ want to get back together with him.

(beat)

But if I ever did, it’s good to know that he’s ready for a healthy, adult relationship.

**DONNA** :

(looks up)

Oh, God, kill me now.

**JACKIE** :

Fine. You don’t believe me? I’ll prove it. I’ll come up with some simple psychological tests that’ll show Michael’s matured.

**DONNA** :

You know, Jackie, that’s a good idea.

**JACKIE** :

It is?

**DONNA** :

Absolutely. If you’re even considering getting back with Kelso, you better have him tested.

_BOB and MIDGE enter, carrying two large grocery bags each._

**BOB** :

Hi there, kids.

**DONNA** :

Hey, Dad.

**BOB** :

Listen, sweetie, do your mom and me a favor. This Thursday, would you mind spending the night over at Jackie’s? We’re having a little party here.

**DONNA** :

Well, Dad, I don’t mind. I’ll just stay up in my room.

**BOB** :

Honey, I really think you oughta be out of the house for this one. See, this party is... well, it’s... we’re all gonna be...

**MIDGE** :

It’s a nudist party.

_Donna and Jackie both shudder, and Jackie screams. They gather their things and race out of the room. Bob and Midge look after them, then to each other. They shrug and head into the kitchen._

**BUMPER**

**INT. HUB - DAY**

_The next day, early afternoon. Almost empty. “Breaking Up is Hard to Do” by Neil Sedaka plays on the jukebox._

_Jackie and Kelso occupy the wall table, Jackie in the booth seat and Kelso across from her. Jackie’s notebooks and Kelso’s food are spread over the table. Donna and FEZ share a small round table. Fez sits backwards in his chair and plays with the straw of his soda._

**FEZ** : 

So in a nudist party, everyone is nude, yes?

**DONNA** : 

Yeah, Fez.

**FEZ** :

And that includes all the womens?

**DONNA** :

Yeah... and all the men, too.

**FEZ** :

But also all the womens.

_He gets a dirty little smile. Donna puts a palm to his face and shoves, sending him flying back from his seat onto the ground._

_Jackie looks up over her notes at Kelso, who’s using one of his fries to draw shapes in the blob of ketchup in his basket. Jackie clears her throat._

**JACKIE** :

So, Michael, this assignment I’m working on is about what careers we might want after graduating, and -

**KELSO** :

Oh, I remember that one. I did pretty well on it, too. See, I had two choices. I was considering becoming a doctor...

**JACKIE** :

Ooh, a doctor! That’s so mature.

_She looks over Kelso’s shoulder at Donna, who’s watching the scene with a slightly mocking smile. Fez crawls back into his seat._

**KELSO** :

Yeah. Or a rodeo clown. ‘Cause then I’d get to wear a big clown nose and ride around in barrels. Yeah, I think I gotta go with rodeo clown.

_Jackie looks dumbstruck as she makes a note in her notebook. Donna puts a hand over her face to hide her laughter._

**JACKIE** :

(beat)

Okay... enough about that. So Michael, there are two events occurring this weekend. One that you might like, and one that I would really, really, really, really, _really_ want to go to. Now, should we go see the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders -

**KELSO** :

Oh, pfft! Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders.

**JACKIE** :

Yes, or -

**KELSO** : 

No, Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders.

**JACKIE** :

But Michael, I want -

**KELSO** :

No, Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders!

_A crestfallen Jackie makes another mark in her notebook. Donna, barely holding it together, stands and staggers into the bathroom._

_Fez moves from his chair to an empty one by Kelso._

**FEZ** :

So what does one do to get invited to a nudist party?

_Jackie covers her face with one hand as Kelso looks off in thought._

CUT TO **:**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – EVENING**

_Later that day. THE CIRCLE. Kelso is juggling a single egg._

**KELSO** :

Hey, guys. Check out this egg Jackie gave me to take care of. It’s great for rodeo clown practice. Later I’m gonna find somebody to chuck it at.

_Pan to Hyde._

**HYDE** :

Hey, man, I volunteer Edna. An egg to the head is just the sort of “welcome home” greeting you deserve when you roll back into town after riding a trucker around the greater Midwest area.

_Pan to ERIC._

**ERIC** :

(to Hyde)

Edna? Wait, Hyde – your mom’s back? That’s great, man! I mean – it is great, isn’t it? Because that’s the sort of thing that usually is great, but – I mean... with how your mom left... and not to mention she’s, you know...

_He makes a gross face._

_Pan to Fez._

**FEZ** :

(to Hyde)

Hyde, do you think your parents will be on the guest list for the Pinciotti’s nudist party? Because that is some naked I would like to avoid.

_Pan to Kelso, still juggling._

**KELSO** :

Yeah, Bob and Midge are going all out for that one. I was over there with Jackie and saw ‘em settin’ up a keg, and makin’ cheese puffs, and little mini hot dogs, and hard-boiled...

_He trails off, catches the egg, and laughs as he stares at it._

_Pan to Hyde._

**HYDE** :

(to Eric)

Look, Forman. I know how “after-school special” you get over these things, but this is no big deal, all right? So I don’t want you running to get Red or your mom to check up on me, ‘cause me and Bud – we’re okay now, and we can handle...

(to Kelso)

They have cheese puffs?

_Pan to Eric._

**ERIC** :

(to Hyde)

Okay, Hyde. If you say so. But I want you to know... damn, now I want cheese puffs!

(beat)

Hey – maybe my mom made some for dinner!

_He and Hyde bolt to the stairs._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – EVENING**

_RED and KITTY are in the middle of their meals, but Eric and Hyde are way past that. Their plates empty, they’ve split an entire loaf of bread between them and eat it by the slice. Eric shovels his slices in plain, while Hyde uses the bread to soak up leftover sauce and juices from his plate._

_Red does his best to ignore their behavior, but Kitty keeps stealing glances at Hyde._

**KITTY** :

(to Hyde)

Steven, this is two nights in a row we’ve had you over for dinner. Is everything alright at home?

_His mouth too full to talk, Hyde nods vigorously and reaches for a tall glass of milk._

**HYDE** :

(gulps down milk)

Oh yeah, Mrs. Forman, everything’s fine.

_He starts in on another bread slice. Kitty looks from him to Eric and laughs._

**KITTY** :

Okay, then. I have a custard pudding for dessert if anyone wants -

_Eric and Hyde, both eating, nod and beckon for the pudding without looking up. Kitty retrieves the large pudding bowl from the island, and no sooner sets it on the table than the boys start spooning it onto their plates. Eric is the first to take a bite._

**ERIC** :

(loudly)

Oh, God, this is _great_!

(to Hyde)

Man, remember the custard your mom used to make at school? That was _horrible_! God! I hope she’s learned to cook while she was gone.

**HYDE** :

Shut up, Forman!

_Too late; Red and Kitty both turn toward Hyde._

**KITTY** :

Your mother’s back?

_Eric slams a hand down on the table, drawing his parents’ attention._

**ERIC** :

(loudly)

Did I say that? I didn’t say that! _Why_ did I say that? Oh, God, listen to my voice! I’m so loud!

_Red and Kitty consider their son for a moment, then turn back to Hyde._

**RED** :

Steven?

**HYDE** :

Yeah, so? She’s back.

**KITTY** :

Well, now, that’s... that is such good news!

(laughs)

... Isn’t it?

**ERIC:**

(loudly)

That’s what I said! That is _just_ what I said! Is it good or not? Why am I still talking like this?

**RED** :

(to Eric)

Hey – stop acting weird.

(to Hyde)

So, Edna’s back, eh? Well, that sure is... surprising.

**KITTY** :

Yeah. How’s your father taking that?

**HYDE** :

Fine. They sit and shout, just like old times.

_Hyde’s gone from eating bread slices to tearing them up. He refuses to meet Kitty’s eye._

**KITTY** :

Oh.

(laughs)

And how about – how about you, Steven? Are you all right? Because you don’t look all right.

**RED** :

Kitty...

**KITTY** :

Well, Red, the woman just up and left him and then comes traipsing back into town. I think he has some feelings he needs to let out -

**HYDE** :

I’m fine!

_He kicks himself back from the table and hurries out the patio door._

_Eric stands and reaches out a hand._

**ERIC** :

(loudly)

Hyde – come back! We never even asked about the cheese puffs!

_When Hyde doesn’t return, Eric collapses back down into his seat and covers his face with his hands, while Red and Kitty share a look._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

**INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT**

_Later that night. Bud and Edna are still on the couch. Beer cans and liquor bottles surround them. Edna has a fresh cigarette and Bud has a cigar. Each has, in their other hand, a large glass filled with whiskey. They laugh uproariously as they clink glasses and take a drink._

_Their cavorting keeps them from seeing Hyde enter. He takes in the sight, unsure what to make of it, until Bud finally spies him._

**BUD** :

Steven!

_He raises his glass in salute._

**HYDE** :

Bud, you’re drinking?

**BUD** :

(shrugs)

What can I say, son? Something about your mother’s always driven me to the bottle.

_He cracks up, and so does Edna. They clink glasses again and take another drink._

**EDNA** :

Oh, this is fun! I’d forgotten the good times like this.

(to Hyde)

Steven, honey, you were probably too young to remember, but there was this one Christmas where the snow was falling and the heat was paid and we’d lifted one of those pre-decorated trees from the store, and we just spent the whole night laughing and shootin’ shots of peppermint Schnapps.

_She winks at Bud, who grins and falls into a bobbing nod with his head._

**HYDE** :

Actually, I do remember that Christmas. You locked up and passed out before I got back from Forman’s. I spent the night outside.

**EDNA** :

(beat)

Oh. Well, you still have all your toes, right? So it all worked out.

_Her glass is empty. She refills it while Bud leans way back into the couch._

**BUD** :

Steven, I’ve got good news – your mom’s moving in.

**HYDE** :

What?

**BUD** :

Yeah. Isn’t it great?

**HYDE** :

No!

_He crosses behind the couch and looms over his parents._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

God, how do you do this – both of you? You screw me, you screw each other, you both ditch everything, and then you both roll back into town and in two days you just decide you’re back together? What the hell is wrong with you, man?

**BUD** :

(shrugs)

We’re Hydes!

_He and Edna crack up again. Edna pats on the stool by the couch; very reluctantly, Hyde sits._

**EDNA** :

Steven, this is just the way life is. So we all screwed each other over, boo-hoo. And we all thought we’d take off and find something better, but we didn’t.

**HYDE** :

Speak for yourself, Edna.

**EDNA** :

Oh, yeah? So why’re you here instead of hiding out in that spindly kid’s basement?

_Hyde looks at her. She nods slowly._

**EDNA (cont’d):**

Yeah, Bud filled me in on all that. You’re gonna tell me a hard ass like Red Forman wasn’t one slip-up away from tossing you out?

**BUD** :

Hell – the few times I’ve been by, I’m surprised he didn’t throw me out. He is one angry, scary, shiny-headed S.O.B.

_Hyde stares at the ground, his left hand holding his right fist._

**EDNA** :

My point is, Steven, we’re all back with each other now, and people like us... we get what we get. Sitting around going over all the bad times – well, that’s not gonna do any good. This is where we’re stuck, and we’ve gotta make things work.

**BUD** :

(to Hyde)

It’s all I’ve been trying to do. And Ed moving in, that’s settled. Now, if you’ll spot me a few more bucks, your mother and I have a lot of things to take care of tomorrow.

_Hyde’s head bows lower. He can’t find a retort. Edna grabs a liquor bottle and presses it into his hands._

**EDNA** :

Now come on, baby. Why don’t you buck up and have a drink with your mom and dad?

_Slowly, somewhat reluctantly, Hyde sits up and takes the bottle, gives it a sniff._

**HYDE** :

This Beam’s Choice?

_His parents nod. Hyde clinks the bottle against their raised glasses, and they all drink._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY**

_The next day, just after school. Kelso is still juggling Jackie’s egg. Fez and Donna sit on the couch, watching him. Donna shakes her head and tries not to laugh. Kelso notices and turns to present more of the show to her._

**KELSO** :

Man, I am gonna be _such_ a good rodeo clown.

_Donna claps a hand over her mouth. Fez looks from her to Kelso, confused._

**FEZ** :

I don’t get it. He’s not even really juggling. He only has one egg.

_Kelso catches the egg._

**KELSO** :

Oh, yeah? Well, we’ll see about that, Fez.

_He heads up the stairs. Donna leans on the armrest of the couch._

**DONNA** :

He is such a moron. He is so gonna fail Jackie’s test.

**FEZ** :

Test? What test?

**DONNA** :

Well, I’m not supposed to say anything, but Jackie’s testing Kelso to see if he’s really grown into a more mature, honest guy.

_Fez gives Donna a long look, then breaks into laughter. Donna joins him, and they end up leaning against each other._

**FEZ** :

That can’t be going well, can it?

**DONNA** :

Duh! He’s already failed two tests, and the second that egg breaks, he fails the third. Jackie wants to see if he’s responsible now, so she told him she needed him to look after it for a few days.

_Kelso bounds back down the stairs, his arms filled with eggs._

**KELSO:**

Okay, Fez. How do you like – this?

_He starts tossing the eggs into the air one by one. He manages maybe one-and-a-half rounds before they start to get away from him. The eggs land on the floor by his feet, they fly across the room – some even land on his arms and shoulders. When he tries to retreat, he slips on egg yolk and barely avoids crashing back into the TV, instead falling into the lawn chair._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

Dammit! That’s it – I’m sticking with barrel riding.

**FEZ** :

(to Donna)

Well, that’s another “F” on the tests of love, am I right?

_Donna tries to shush him, but it’s too late; Kelso heard._

**KELSO** :

What do you mean?

_Over Donna’s objections, Fez goes on:_

**FEZ** :

Just that when you broke those eggs you broke Jackie’s egg, and you failed the third test she has put to you to see if you have matured.

_Donna puts a hand to her forehead. Very slowly, Kelso stands back up._

**KELSO** :

Wait... so Jackie – the girl I love more than anything in the world – she’s been testing me? Why? Is she seeing if we should get back together?

**DONNA** :

I’m not sure, but if she wants to, this is what she’s basing it on.

**KELSO** :

So by breaking that egg, I failed the test? And all the others so far, I failed those too, and I lost my chance to win Jackie back forever?

_Donna and Fez both nod._

**KELSO:**

(beat)

Okay, so when’s the make-up test?

_Donna completely buries her head in her hands as Fez gives a slow and condescending shake of his head._

CUT TO:

**INT. PINCIOTTI LIVING ROOM - DAY**

_Almost everything is in place for the party. A table is set up near the wall for food and punch, the furniture has been pushed to the sides to leave space open for dancing, and the keg is set up. But it hasn’t started yet – Bob and Midge still have their clothes on._

**MIDGE** :

I think that’s everything, Bob.

**BOB** :

Not quite, Midgie. Time to seal the place up good. Ready?

_They nod together. Cut to:_

_MONTAGE, set to the theme from MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE. Bob and Midge go through every room in their house, sealing up doors and windows. Blinds are drawn, curtains are pulled, tacky photos of Bob in an Elvis costume are hung on the little window in the front door, and Midge covers up the bathroom mirror with a towel before Bob comes in and moves the towel to cover the window._

_The montage ends with quick cuts showing all the sealed spaces in the house, ending with one left unattended: a small corner of the living room window, where the blinds haven’t properly shut. Fez’s head looms there, grinning and nodding in delight._

CUT TO:

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY**

_Hyde shoots hoops alone. He looks like hell. Red and Eric, dressed for work at Price Mart, come outside from the kitchen._

**RED** :

Steven. There you are.

**HYDE** :

Oh, hey, Red. Forman.

**RED:**

Eric tells me you missed school today.

**ERIC:**

Um, Dad, I thought we weren’t gonna mention that part.

**RED** :

(to Eric)

Look, your mother’s making me do this, and if it goes to Hell, I’m taking someone down with me.

**HYDE** :

No, Red, it’s okay. Edna’s moving in, so I took the day to, you know, get the place cleared up a bit. And sleep off the “welcome home” party we had last night.

_He cackles. Red isn’t amused_.

**RED** :

Your mom and dad couldn’t “clear up?” Or were they “sleeping it off” – up their ass?

**HYDE** :

Nah, man. They’ve been out all day. Had some things to pick up – another bed, a dresser, chairs -

**ERIC** :

Wait, I thought your dad was almost broke. How can they afford that? Unless... I mean, your mom’s always given it away for free, but I guess when you’re on the road, desperate times...

_Red glares at him._

**RED** :

Can it.

**ERIC** :

Yes, sir.

**RED** :

(to Hyde)

Well?

_Hyde shifts on his feet, not meeting either Forman’s eyes._

**RED (cont’d)** :

Is your dad hitting you up for money again?

**HYDE** :

(short, tense)

It’s fine. I’m fine. We worked things out, and it’s gonna be okay.

(beat)

They’re my folks. You get what you get, you know?

**ERIC** :

What – no! Hyde, that’s not how it works. They can’t do that to you.

(to Red)

Dad, say something.

_Red holds up a hand to quiet Eric and gives Hyde a hard look._

**RED** :

Look, Steven, I know what you’re hoping for. But your parents... the thing is, son -

**HYDE** :

Hey, I’m not your son! I was only even here so long as I toed the line, right? One strike and I’m out, right Red?

_Red’s face hardens. Seeing his dad’s expression, Eric inches back away from him._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

Will you just butt out? You too, Forman! All of you!

_He throws the basketball into the garage and storms off. The hedges and trees begin to rustle in a growing wind. Eric shivers, and even Red seems cold._

**ERIC** :

Dad?

**RED** :

Yeah?

**ERIC** :

I thought Hell would be warmer.

_Red looks up at the sky._

**RED** :

Damn spring snows.

_They head inside, Eric hugging himself tightly, as snowflakes start to fall._

**BUMPER**

**INT. HUB - DAY**

_A busier afternoon. The snow outside is falling heavily now. “Crazy on You” by Heart plays on the jukebox. Jackie is back at the wall table, sharing the booth seat with Donna as they study._

_Kelso enters, bundled up for the weather. In his hands is an egg stuffed into a scarf stuffed into a tissue box. Slowly, with great care, he walks over to the girls and gingerly sets the box down before sitting down across from them._

**KELSO** :

Hey, guys.

_Jackie and Donna look from each other to the egg._

**JACKIE:**

(to Kelso)

What’s that?

**KELSO** :

Oh, it’s just this little crib-like thing I made for Eggy.

**DONNA** :

“Eggy?”

**KELSO** :

Yeah. And I couldn’t leave him exposed in all this cold, ‘cause that would be immature and irresponsible.

_He makes a big show of nodding. Donna puts a hand to her forehead. Jackie picks up the egg and checks the bottom._

**JACKIE:**

Michael, what happened to the pencil mark I made on the bottom?

_Kelso takes the egg from her and checks the bottom. He looks to Donna, who just sighs and shakes her head._

**KELSO** :

(to Jackie)

Oh. Must have come off when I was giving him his gentle bath.

_Donna rolls her eyes; she can’t believe what she’s hearing. Jackie puts a hand to her heart._

**JACKIE** :

Michael, I knew you had this in you. After all this time, you really have become mature, responsible, and honest.

**KELSO** :

Yeah – that’s me! Mr. Mature, Responsible, Honest Guy!

_He grins and nods like a doofus. Jackie smiles back at him. Donna shakes her head._

_The grin slowly slips off Kelso’s face. He glances down at the egg and sets it back in its “crib.”_

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

Actually, Jackie – I found out about the tests. And I broke the egg you gave me and tried to cover it up, which wasn’t very honest or mature. So maybe, whatever the tests were for, I don’t deserve it.

_He pushes the egg toward Jackie and gets up._

**KELSO (cont’d):**

I’m sorry. See ya.

_He leaves. Donna and Jackie stare after him, mouths agape._

**DONNA** :

Oh, my God. He owned up. Before it all blew up in his face.

**JACKIE** :

Yes, he did.

(beat)

Which is the honest, mature thing to do. So he _has_ changed!

_She beams and scribbles down some notes._

**DONNA** :

And you were right. So if Kelso learned something, and you were right about something... and if it’s snowing this late in spring... I think those are three signs of the end of the world.

_She stares into space, in shock, as Jackie swats her on the shoulder._

**BUMPER**

**INT. HALL - EVENING**

_The hallway of Bud’s apartment complex. It doesn’t look much better than the room. Hyde walks up to his door, a small, wrapped parcel tucked under one arm. He tries his key on the door, but it doesn’t unlock._

_The LANDLORD, a greasy-looking old man, appears at the other end of the hall. He has Hyde’s knapsack in his hands._

**LANDLORD** :

They’re gone, kid.

_He heads up the hall to meet Hyde._

**HYDE** :

What do you mean?

**LANDLORD** :

Gone, left, split. Came in from the dog tracks a few hours ago with a huge wad of dough and a big bottle of hooch and cleared out.

_He pushes the sack into Hyde’s free arm._

**LANDLORD (cont’d)** :

They left this. Said to give it to you.

**HYDE** :

(beat)

Did they say where they were going?

**LANDLORD** :

(shakes head)

Sorry.

_Hyde just stares down at the sack in his hand. The landlord starts back down the hall, then steps back and puts a hand on Hyde’s shoulder._

**LANDLORD (cont’d)** :

Look, kid. I hate to drop bad news on ya like this...

_He takes a slip of paper from his pocket._

**LANDLORD (cont’d)** :

But on their way out, your folks didn’t settle their damages.

_He holds the bill out to Hyde, who finally looks up._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT**

_Eric lies on the couch and reads a magazine, his Price Mart smock open. Instrumental rock plays softly on the radio._

_The basement door opens, and Hyde steps in, covered in snow. His sack is slung over his shoulder and the wrapped parcel is still under his arm. Eric sits up, and the two of them regard one another for a moment._

**ERIC** :

Hey.

**HYDE** :

Hey.

(beat)

Uh, Forman, are Red and Kitty home?

**ERIC** :

They turned in for the night. Do you need something?

_Hyde crosses to the other side of the couch and sits down. He throws his sack into his chair and sets the parcel on the coffee table._

**HYDE** :

Nah, man. Just – you know, turns out Edna left some things behind, so her and my dad, they went to pick ‘em up, and I thought... you know, just for a few days, if the basement’s free...

**ERIC** :

Uh, yeah. Yeah, of course.

_Hyde nods. He looks down at the parcel, and Eric follows his eyeline._

**ERIC** :

(nods to parcel)

Whatcha got there?

**HYDE** :

Oh, it’s nothing. Just now that Bud and Edna n’ me, we’re all back together so I thought, you know, I’d get something for the apartment.

**ERIC** :

Oh... well, that’s nice. That’s really nice.

_He scratches at the back of his head, running short on words._

_Hyde slams a fist down hard on the parcel. It makes an awful shattering noise. For good measure, he throws it at the wall, just above the TV._

_Hyde sinks back into his seat and stares straight ahead, his breathing heavy. Eric, bug-eyed, looks slowly from the shattered parcel to Hyde._

**ERIC** :

(voice breaking)

Well... hey! Now it’ll match your dad’s décor!

_He giggles nervously. Hyde just keeps staring at nothing. “Behind Blue Eyes” by the Who comes over the radio._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

(beat)

You know, Hyde... “a few days...” weeks... months... when you live in a little town like this, they all just sort of roll together.

_Hyde’s head won’t turn, or his breath steady._ _Eric pats Hyde on the shoulder and moves to get up. Hyde’s hand catches his arm. Still looking ahead, Hyde’s face is a stone about to crack._

_Eric sits back down, and he and Hyde adjust their arms to be around each other’s shoulders. They both stare at the wall as the radio keeps playing._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**CREDITS**

**INT. PINCIOTTI LIVING ROOM - NIGHT**

_The party. Riotous samba music plays. We see nothing except the living room window, with shadows occasionally passing by the blinds. A slow pan takes us to Fez, watching from the one gap in the blinds in ecstasy._

**BOB (v.o.):**

Okay, everybody – limbo!

_A cheer erupts from the party guests. The shadows move, suggesting a limbo. Fez’s eyes go wide, and he falls back in a faint._

**END.**


	8. J/H 3-22: Eric's Drunken Tattoo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another episode, another all-new "B" story, this time following up on the new material from the last ep and pushing the Zen along.
> 
> (NOTE: While I said from the outset that I wasn't out to "correct" anything in the show as it is, I did decide here that, in this rewrite, the show stays in 1977 until somewhere in Season 5. It doesn't really make anything about T7S's timeline make more sense, but it does at least correspond to when junior/sophomore year for the gang should've ended and senior/junior year begun.)

**SHOW TITLE**

**INT. DONNA’S ROOM - DAY**

_The afternoon sun shines in through the window. DONNA lies across her bed, writing in her JOURNAL. “Freak Out” by Chic plays on the radio. The door opens, and ERIC enters._

**Eric** :

Hi.

**DONNA** :

Hey.

**ERIC** :

Whatcha doing?

_Donna sits up._

**DONNA** :

Oh, just writing in my journal.

**ERIC** :

Like in _Star Trek?_

_He jumps onto the bed and holds his hand up to his mouth as though it were a microphone._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

(doing Shatner)

“Captain’s log – star date 1977. God, I’m so hot. My beautiful red hair and giant jugs seem to drive all life forms wild.”

**DONNA** :

Oh, my God, Eric. That’s exactly what I was writing.

_Eric pulls a wowed face. Donna laughs and stands, setting her journal down on her writing desk._

**DONNA (cont’d)** :

I’m gonna go make some popcorn and get some sodas.

_She moves toward the door. Eric watches her, still miming his microphone._

**ERIC** :

(doing Shatner)

“My beautifully sculpted hindquarters flounce downstairs to procure nourishment.”

**DONNA** :

Shut up.

**ERIC** :

(doing Shatner)

“Okay.”

_Donna exits. Eric stays on the bed and looks around the room. His eyes pass over Donna’s journal._

**MYSTERIOUS VOICE (v.o.)** :

_Eric... Eric..._

_Eric looks down at Donna’s journal. It’s clear now that the voice is his own imagination at work._

**ERIC** :

Yes, Donna’s journal?

**JOURNAL (v.o.)** :

_I am the book of secrets, Eric. Don’t you want to know what she really thinks about you? Read me... read me..._

**ERIC:**

You know, I really shouldn’t.

**JOURNAL (v.o.)** :

_Suit yourself._

_The voice of the journal sings nonsense lyrics innocently. Eric considers for a second, then climbs off the bed and steps toward the writing desk._

**JOURNAL (v.o., cont’d)** :

_But beware: what you learn here cannot be unlearned._

**ERIC** :

Okay, do you want me to read you or not?

**JOURNAL (v.o.)** :

_Sorry._

_Eric picks up the journal and opens it. We hear Donna’s voice reciting each passage that Eric reads._

**DONNA (v.o.)** :

_Eric and I went to second base tonight. He was hilarious... The prom is gonna be magical. I think tonight I’m finally gonna sleep with Eric... Which is like Woodstock, but for vans. Anyway, I think I’m finally gonna sleep with Eric... I love him so much. Tonight, I’m finally gonna sleep with Eric..._

**ERIC** :

Okay, let’s just skip to the last page...

_He flips ahead._

**DONNA (v.o.)** :

_I had the weirdest dream about Eric last night. He was Eric, but he was also Steven Tyler from Aerosmith, and he looked really wicked and dangerous..._

_Eric looks up from the journal, very pleased._

**ERIC** :

Yeah! “Wicked dangerous!”

_He looks back down to continue reading._

**DONNA (v.o.):**

_Which is so not Eric. Sometimes I wish he were like that._

_All the pride in Eric’s face falls away._

_Footsteps sound off-screen._

**JOURNAL (v.o.):**

_Quick! Put me down! Someone’s coming!_

_Eric sets the journal back down just as Donna returns with Jiffy Pop and two soda bottles. Eric snaps upright in attention._

**ERIC** :

Hi! Hello. How are you? I didn’t do anything. You look pretty.

_Donna looks around, confused. Eric takes one of the sodas from her hand and takes a big gulp._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

(burps)

I have to go now.

_He hurries past her and out the door. Donna looks from the doorway to her journal and back. Her eyes narrow._

**MAIN CREDITS**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY**

_It’s almost a normal afternoon in the basement; HYDE’s there. But instead of sitting in his chair, he lies face-down on the couch, his head buried under his arm. Soda cans and chip bags litter the floor nearby. He snores softly, deep in sleep._

_JACKIE sits in Hyde’s chair and watches him with a long face. KELSO paces up and down behind the couch. FEZ sits in the lawn chair, reading a comic. He has on a ridiculous pair of X-RAY GLASSES._

**KELSO** :

All right. No one’s gonna say it, I’ll say it.

(to Fez)

Fez, what is with the glasses?

**FEZ** :

(looks up)

Well, the ad in the Richie Rich comic said they would let me see through a lady’s clothes.

(beat)

I have been swindled again.

_Jackie shakes her head, but not at their stupidity._

**JACKIE** :

Poor Steven. Abandoned again. See, this is why Daddy doesn’t believe in giving money to poor people. Because they don’t know how to handle it, and then stuff like this happens.

_Kelso nods sagely, while Fez turns back to his comic._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

I wish there was something we could do for him.

_Kelso thinks for a second, then snaps his fingers._

**KELSO** :

I got it. We need some whipped cream and a feather. We put the whipped cream on Hyde’s hands, and tickle his nose with the feather, so when he goes to scratch it, he gets a face full of whipped cream.

_He and Fez giggle silently._

**JACKIE:**

How would that make Steven feel better?

**KELSO** :

(beat)

Well, he’ll have fun beating Fez up if we tell him he did it.

_Fez glares up at Kelso, incredulous. Jackie shakes her head and stands, crossing to Kelso._

**JACKIE** :

No, Michael. Look, this is a horrible thing Steven’s going through. We should... we should get him a present or something, to cheer him up. Something thoughtful and personal. And I know just where to find it. Let’s get down to the mall!

_She hurries out the door, Kelso in tow. He pulls the door shut hard behind him, which wakes Hyde up. His sunglasses are missing. He looks around, sees Fez looking at him with the X-Ray glasses._

**HYDE** :

Get a good look there, Richie?

_Fez slowly sinks down in his chair and raises his comic up to cover the glasses._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY**

_Also an almost normal afternoon. KITTY works on a salad bowl on the stovetop. RED enters through the patio door, holding his right thumb._

**RED** :

Kitty, where’s the Band-Aids? I cut my thumb with a hacksaw.

_Kitty tuts and retrieves a Band-Aid from a cabinet drawer._

**KITTY** :

Oh, Red, you know those things are dangerous.

**RED** :

Well, I tried cutting the metal pipe with a flower, but it was real slow going.

_Kitty frowns at him and starts applying the Band-Aid._

**KITTY** :

Well, seeing as how you’re being all snarky anyway, I may as well tell you: Pastor Dave is coming to dinner tonight.

_Red moans and pulls away._

**RED:**

Not tonight! There’s a Packer report on tonight. They’re doing a tribute to Vince Lombardi.

**KITTY** :

Red, you know I’m trying to get more involved in the church, so he is coming.

**RED** :

Kitty, if Pastor Dave comes over, we’ll never get rid of him. He’ll just go on and on about how great God is.

_Kitty gives him a long look._

**KITTY** :

Well, He _is_.

_What can Red say to that? He sighs and shakes his head._

CUT TO:

**INT. MALL - DAY**

_The Point Place mall, not terribly busy for a Saturday. Jackie and Donna stroll through the courtyard side by side._

**DONNA** :

And then he says “I have to go now” and runs off with that guilty look he gets whenever he does something stupid. I’m telling you, Jackie, I think Eric read my private journal.

**JACKIE:**

Oh... is this about the dream where you wished Eric was Steven Tyler?

_Donna glares at Jackie. She looks back, not seeing the problem. Donna pinches her arm, hard. Jackie shrieks and slaps Donna’s hand down._

**JACKIE** :

Don’t pinch me, you lumberjack!

_Kelso runs up to them, his arms full of hair products._

**KELSO** :

Check it out! The salon’s having a sale on everything. Look at this! Shampoo, conditioner – they’ve even got the Remington Mist-Air Hot Comb!

_He holds up the comb box. Jackie beams and claps._

**JACKIE** :

Oh, my God, Michael, that’s perfect! Steven would look fabulous with straight hair.

**KELSO** :

(beat)

Right! Hyde’s present...

_He chuckles nervously, then cradles his collection of items more tightly, as if loathe to part with them._

_Donna shakes her head and leans over Jackie’s shoulder._

**DONNA** :

You do remember you’re here for _Hyde_ , right? I’m pretty sure he’s not gonna use a hot comb. As a matter of fact, I’m not sure he uses _a_ comb. Or shampoo.

_Jackie looks disgusted and shudders._

**JACKIE** :

Eww!

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN DINING ROOM – EVENING**

_Kitty got her way: PASTOR DAVE is over for dinner. He sits between the Formans as they all work on their salad._

**DAVE** :

Hey, do you know who I love?

**RED** :

Jesus.

**DAVE** :

(beat)

Well, yes. But I was going to say Vince Lombardi.

_Red looks up._

**RED** :

You’re a Packer man?

**DAVE** :

Are you kidding? I bleed cheese.

_Red grins. Suddenly, he’s enjoying this dinner._

**RED** :

Well, I’m not sure, but I think there may be a Packer report on tonight.

**DAVE** :

Red, I think you may be right. And I think it could start in eight-and-a-half minutes.

**RED** :

Then what do you say we choke our dinners down, get our asses on the couch?

**DAVE** :

Amen!

_They go to work on the salads. Kitty, not amused, stands._

**KITTY** :

Red, can you help me in the kitchen, please?

_He doesn’t get up._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

Right now, please?

_She goes into the kitchen. Red follows, patting Dave on the back as he passes into:_

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – EVENING**

_Kitty is at the stovetop, spooning the main course onto plates. Red hurries over to her._

**KITTY** :

Red, this night is not about football. This night is about company.

**RED** : 

And our company wants to watch the Packer report. He spends his life doing the Lord’s work, and if you would deny this holy little man that simple pleasure... well, God have mercy on your soul.

**KITTY** : 

Just can it, Red.

_She pushes a plate into Red’s hands._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

Bring him his food.

_Red takes the plate and hurries back to the:_

**INT. FORMAN DINING ROOM – EVENING**

_Red drops the plate in front of Dave and takes the salad plate._

**RED** :

You got six minutes.

**DAVE** :

(mouth full)

I’m eating.

_Red returns to_ :

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – EVENING**

_Red brings Kitty the empty salad plate. She looks down and notices his thumb is bare._

**KITTY** :

Red, where is your Band-Aid?

**RED** :

Oh, I don’t know. I had it on a second ago. Must’ve come off while I was serving the -

_It hits him and Kitty at the same time. They share a look of shock, then race back into_ :

**INT. FORMAN DINING ROOM – EVENING**

_Pastor Dave is scarfing down dinner as fast as he can. By the time Red and Kitty reach him, it’s too late; he finishes his last bite and throws his hands up in the touchdown signal._

**DAVE** :

Done!

_Red and Kitty shift on their feet, neither prepared to say anything._

**BUMPER**

**INT. LEO’S HOUSE – EVENING**

_A modestly-sized apartment, somewhat shabby but tastefully decorated in a Japanese style. “Werewolves of London” by Warren Zevon plays on the radio. Hyde (sunglasses back), LEO, Eric, and Fez (still wearing his X-Ray glasses) all sit around a low table. LEO has a sake set laid out._

**ERIC** :

Hey, Leo, thanks for letting us hang out here. I just – I didn’t want to see Donna after what she wrote.

**HYDE** :

Forman, no one cares.

**LEO** : 

(to Eric)

That’s true, man.

(to everyone)

Listen, you guys know I don’t allow alcohol in my house, so you’re just gonna have to drink _sake_ instead.

_The guys look amongst themselves; they all know the score on sake._

**FEZ** :

“Sake” it to me, Leo.

(laughs)

**HYDE** :

Don’t start with the _sake_ jokes, Fez.

**FEZ** :

Oh, put a “sake” in it.

(laughs)

_Leo pours and passes out the cups. Eric takes his and holds it near his mouth._

**ERIC** :

Well, this would be fun if I wasn’t so miserable.

**HYDE** :

Look, Forman, we’re willing to sit here and drink these tiny, allegedly alcoholic drinks, but we don’t wanna hear you bitch about Donna all night.

**ERIC** :

Oh, don’t worry, Hyde. I don’t feel like talking about Donna.

_He downs his sake and sets the glass upside down on the table._

CUT TO:

_Moments later. Eric has a pyramid of cups stacked, and he’s well into drunk._

**ERIC** :

You see, the thing about Donna is...

**HYDE** :

Here we go.

**ERIC** :

She acts like everything’s all cool, okay? And then, all of a sudden I’m no Steven Tyler.

(scoffs)

**FEZ** :

Oh, Eric, give it up, for heaven’s “sake.”

_He laughs at his own pun again, and this time Leo joins in._

**LEO:**

(to Fez)

You’re still the king, man.

**ERIC** :

Man, I thought were past the phase where we had to impress each other.

**HYDE** :

You are. Now you’re in the “she dumps you for a biker with a wicked tattoo” phase. The most entertaining of all phases.

_Eric stands, almost gracefully._

**ERIC** :

Oh, my God... oh, my God, Hyde, that’s it! A tattoo’s dangerous! There’s a place next to the liquor store. I could go get one right now!

_Leo stands, and we cut to:_

_ERIC’S POV. Sake has him seeing three of Leo, overlapping and waving against the wall, and each of them talk._

**LEO** :

No way, man! We’re not gonna let you go to some sleazy tattoo parlor and spend money for something you’ll regret for the rest of your life. I’ll tattoo you for free, man. I’m pretty sure I used to do this for a living.

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

**INT. LEO’S HOUSE – EVENING**

_A short time later. Eric, still drunk, leans on a cabinet, his pants pulled down. Hyde and Fez hold his hands while Leo sits on a stool in the back, working on a tattoo on Eric’s ass._

**ERIC** :

How cool am I? A tattoo of my girlfriend’s name – how’s _that_ for dangerous?

**LEO** :

Yeah, I think Debbie’s really gonna like this.

**ERIC** :

(beat)

Wait. Debbie? No, Donna.

**LEO** :

(beat)

Right. Okay, no problem. I can fix it.

**ERIC** :

Fix what?

**LEO:**

Relax. Debbie will never notice it.

_Eric looks back toward Leo._

**ERIC** :

It’s Donna.

**LEO** :

See, now you moved, man! It’s okay. I can make that into a flower.

_He goes back to work, and Eric looks forward, much less sure about this._

**FEZ** :

(to Eric)

Oh, you know what you should get? Boobs. Big boobs on your butt.

**HYDE** :

That’s classy.

**LEO** :

Hey, I can turn the “Bs” into boobs.

**ERIC** :

(beat)

Wait, what “Bs?”

**LEO** :

Like in “Debbie,” your girlfriend?

**ERIC** :

It’s “Donna!”

**LEO** :

Oh, right.

(beat)

Oh, I can fix that.

CUT TO:

**INT. MALL - EVENING**

_The shopping continues. A promotional table for WFPP is set up against the wall, a phone and microphone set up. Donna chats with the ATTENDANT while Jackie looks around at the different stores._

**DONNA:**

(to attendant)

So has the call-in contest started yet?

**ATTENDANT** :

No, but we start taking calls any minute. Hey, did you ask Max about tickets for you and your boyfriend?

**DONNA** :

No, he said he needed me to work that night. And I think Eric read my journal, so not getting him in to see Zeppelin seems like a good punishment.

_The attendant shrugs and nods._

_Something in a shop window catches Jackie’s eye, and she tugs on Donna’s sleeve as she points with the other hand._

**JACKIE** :

Donna, look! Baby blue bell bottoms. See, if Steven wore things like that, no one would know he was poor.

_Donna smiles in pity._

**DONNA** :

Yeah, um... no.

_Jackie groans and stomps her foot._

**JACKIE** :

Donna, you haven’t liked any of my ideas. The mall’s closing soon and we haven’t found anything for Steven.

**DONNA** :

Look, Jackie, it’s nice that you want to do something for Hyde, but shopping is not that thing. Hyde doesn’t care about bell bottoms or leisure suits or hair, and I’m pretty sure the only thing he’d do with a Pet Rock is break a window with it.

_Jackie sighs and throws up her hands._

**JACKIE** :

Steven’s just so complicated. I’ve never had this much trouble finding a gift for Michael.

_Kelso runs up to them. His hair care products from before are stuffed in a large salon bag worn on one arm, a white sport jacket is draped over the other, two clothing boxes are balanced between both arms, and the box for Sorry! is balanced on top. He’s grinning ear to ear._

**KELSO** :

Is everything in this mall on sale or what? This is awesome!

_Donna shakes her head and Jackie scowls at Kelso._

**JACKIE** :

Michael, you’re supposed to be helping us find something to cheer Steven up.

**KELSO** :

Jackie, Hyde’s not a “cheer up” kind of guy. That’s not how he gets over stuff. He gets over stuff by punching people, rockin’ out to bitchin’ tunes, and dipping into his stash.

**DONNA** :

Wow, Kelso, that was actually pretty insightful.

**KELSO** :

Yeah, well... 

(beat, to Jackie)

I can still get all this stuff, right? I mean, just ‘cause we didn’t find anything for Hyde, that’s no reason to waste all these sweet deals.

_Donna puts a hand to her forehead. Jackie steps up to the radio table and starts chatting with the attendant as we fade to:_

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – EVENING**

_Now it’s Red turn to have his way: he, Kitty, and Dave are on the couch, the Packer report playing on TV. Kitty is clearly unhappy. Not that the men notice; Red has a diagram worked out on the coffee table with peanuts._

**RED** :

And then Bart Starr fakes a hand-off to Anderson and finds Dowler in the endzone for the winning touchdown!

**DAVE** :

Wow! On TV it seemed confusing, but with peanuts, it’s all so clear!

_Kitty taps Red on the arm._

**KITTY:**

Red, um, can I see you in the kitchen for a minute, please?

**RED** :

Yeah, just one second.

_He and Kitty stand. Red pats Dave on the back._

**RED (cont’d)** :

You go ahead and set ‘em up again, and I’ll show you how the Packers won the Ice Bowl.

**DAVE** :

All right!

_He eagerly starts rearranging the peanuts as Red and Kitty step into_ :

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – EVENING**

_Red and Kitty stand by the stove. Red looks happy; Kitty is decidedly not._

**KITTY** :

Okay, Red, don’t you think it’s time your little friend went home?

**RED:**

Kitty, I’m just being sociable, like you asked. Just being a good host.

**KITTY** :

Oh, sure. All good hosts feed their guests Band-Aids.

**RED** :

Band-Aid, Kitty. Don’t exaggerate.

_From the living room, Dave lets out a pained moan. Red and Kitty move back into_ :

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – EVENING**

_Dave is curled up on the couch in a fetal position, clutching at his stomach as he moans. Kitty’s jaw drops as she looks up at Red._

**KITTY** :

Oh, my God!

_Dave looks up piteously at his hosts._

**DAVE** :

Hospital, please.

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT**

_Much later, probably near 2 or 3 in the morning. Hyde is in his chair, his feet propped up on the coffee table as he sleeps. Eric is also asleep, on the couch. He has no pants, and his shorts are pulled down just enough for the ice pack on his ass to cover his tattoo. We slowly zoom in on his face as we cut to:_

**INT. DONNA’S ROOM – DAY**

_DREAM SEQUENCE. Donna lies on her bed, writing away in her journal. She pauses and chews her pen in thought._

_Her door is kicked open. With a burst of smoke, Eric dances into the room as Steven Tyler, with a microphone at the ready._

**ERIC (lip-sync)** :

_Walk this way!_

_Walk this way!_

_Walk this way!_

_Walk this way!_

_Just give me a kiss..._

_He performs some of Tyler’s finest moves as he sings. On “give me a kiss,” he leans in close to Donna, only to pull back just before their lips meet._

**ERIC (lip-sync)** :

_Like this!_

_He wraps up his routine with a burst of pyrotechnics. Donna leaps off the bed and starts making out with him. She pulls back, breathless, and looks him over hungrily._

**DONNA** :

Eric, how did you get so hot?

**ERIC** :

(proudly)

I got a tattoo.

_Beaming, Donna rips out the last page of her journal and scribbles in a new entry._

**DONNA** :

“Eric’s perfect.”

_She looks back up at Eric as he makes Steven Tyler lips._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT**

_Back to reality. Eric grins in his sleep. His eyes slowly open._

**ERIC** :

Oh, yeah.

_His smile slips, and he puts a hand to his head._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Ow.

_He adjusts the ice pack on his ass._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Ow.

_He looks down toward the ice pack and remembers why it’s there. The grin returns._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

Oh, yeah.

_He adjusts his arm under his head and drifts back to sleep._

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY**

_The next morning. Pastor Dave, looking the worse for wear, sits between an uncomfortable Red and Kitty at the kitchen table._

**DAVE** :

So, are you telling me that you fed me a Band-Aid?

**KITTY** :

Well... um, to be honest – Red fed you the Band-Aid.

_Dave looks to Red, who rolls his eyes._

**DAVE** :

How did this happen?

**KITTY** :

Red, why don’t you diagram it for him with peanuts?

_Red frowns at Kitty, then turns toward Dave._

**RED** :

Look, Dave, I’m real sorry. I didn’t realize how sick a Band-Aid would make you.

**DAVE** :

Well, thank you for your belated honesty, but the doctor said I had food poisoning from an undercooked sausage.

**RED** :

Food poisoning? That’s Kitty’s department.

_Dave looks to a stunned Kitty._

**KITTY:**

I have never undercooked a sausage in my life. I have a system. It’s foolproof.

**RED** :

Hey, Kitty – it’s okay. We all make mistakes.

_Kitty glares at both men._

**KITTY** :

I... Vince Lombardi is overrated. That’s right. He is overrated!

_Red and Dave recoil in horror. Red puts a bracing hand on Dave’s arm._

**RED** :

Ignore her. She’s hysterical!

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY**

_Hyde is still in his chair, still asleep. He hasn’t moved since last night. Not until the door bursting open stirs him awake. A beaming Jackie hurries to stand over him. Her hand is clasped tight around a small, thin envelope._

**JACKIE** :

Good, Steven, you’re up! Your hair’s clean, right?

_Hyde gives her a funny look. Jackie shakes off any unpleasant thoughts of unwashed hair and presents the envelope._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

Surprise!

_With a skeptical look, Hyde takes the envelope and starts to open it._

**HYDE:**

Jackie, if you’re trying to get me to roller disco again, you can just – HOLY HELL!

_Hyde leaps to his feet. Even through his sunglasses, his eyes bug out as he stares at the two slips from the envelope in his hand._

**HYDE (cont’d):**

Zeppelin? You scored Zeppelin tickets, center row, tonight?

**JACKIE** :

Yeah! Donna’s radio station was giving them away. They were supposed to go to the seventh caller or something, but I’m rich and cute, so they’re mine now!

_Hyde looks up at her, his eyes still wide._

**HYDE** :

And you’re just giving them to me?

_Jackie nods. Hyde looks down at the tickets, then back to her._

**HYDE** :

Jackie... I don’t know what to say, man. Why’d you do this?

_Jackie wrinkles her nose up; she’s confused by the question_.

**JACKIE** :

For you. Steven, you don’t deserve what your parents did to you again. You’re a really great guy.

(Hyde scoffs)

Yes, you are! I know, okay? I mean, everything you’ve done for me, even when we didn’t get along – taking me to the prom, helping me stand up to Laurie, going to jail...

**HYDE** :

That reminds me, I think I slept past my probation meeting this week.

**JACKIE** :

And, when you and Donna told me I should take some time to be alone, I didn’t want you to be right. But I feel like I’ve really grown a lot with that time, and I was finally able to forgive Michael, which I wouldn’t have. So you were right. And that was a nice way to make sure I didn’t slip back into that crazy crush I had on you.

_Hyde’s face starts to slip. Jackie doesn’t notice._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

Remember how I got so worked up, I really thought you were the one who felt something after that kiss?

_She giggles. Hyde gives a very small, guarded smile._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

So I wanted to say “thank you,” for being such a good friend. And I wanted you to have something nice... something where no one got punched and you wouldn’t forget once you came down.

**HYDE** :

Jackie...

_He gives her a long look. There’s something he wants to say, but it won’t come. Jackie leans in, attentive._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

(beat)

Thank you.

_Jackie holds her arms open. Hyde shrugs, lets her give him a big hug; he settles for wrapping one arm loose around her shoulders. When they break, he looks back down at the tickets._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

So, what time should we head out?

**JACKIE** :

Oh, no, Steven, I can’t go. Michael asked me to help him set up his new hot comb and... well, let’s just say after the last time he tried using one, I don’t think he should be left alone with it.

**HYDE** :

Then what do I do with the other ticket?

_Fez enters through the basement door, still wearing X-Ray glasses._

_Hyde lets out a long sigh and holds up the tickets._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

Fez, man, Zeppelin! You in?

_Fez beams and clasps his hands together. He hurries over to them._

**FEZ** :

Oh, Hyde, that would be wonderful. Just you and me – for old times’ “sake.”

_He and Jackie both laugh at the pun while Hyde frowns._

CUT TO:

**INT. HALLWAY – DAY**

_The upstairs hall of the Pinciotti house. Eric strolls confidently up to Donna’s door. He tries to kick it open, but instead pushes himself back against the far wall and falls flat on his ass, leaving a giant footprint on the door._

_Donna opens the door, sees Eric sprawled out._

**DONNA** :

Eric, what the hell? Did you just kick my door?

**ERIC** :

(beat)

No.

_He stands, and they both enter:_

**INT. DONNA’S BEDROOM - DAY**

_Eric, regaining some of his mojo after the fall, loosens his belt._

**ERIC** :

But I got a surprise. I got a tattoo. Guess where? On my butt!

**DONNA** :

(beat)

Why?

**ERIC:**

Why? Because I’m dangerous, lady!

_Donna frowns at Eric. She passes him and retrieves her journal from her bed, holding it between them._

**DONNA** :

Eric, I want you to be honest with me, and I promise I won’t get mad. Did you read my journal?

**ERIC** :

Um... yeah.

**DONNA** :

You sneaky little dillhole!

_She whacks him in the arm with her journal. Eric recoils and juts a finger out at her._

**ERIC:**

No! You know who’s sneaky? People who go around writing their feelings in their journals and not telling their boyfriends what they feel. So, you know what? I’m not sorry.

(beat)

I’m so sorry.

**DONNA** :

You want to know how I feel? Fine. I’ll tell you how I feel!

_She opens her journal and flips to the last page._

**DONNA (cont’d)** :

(reading)

“Today at lunch I was looking at Eric when he didn’t know it, and I just couldn’t believe how much I love him and how lucky I am to be with him.”

(looks up)

Why couldn’t you read that page?

**ERIC** :

Because you came back.

(beat)

Look, Donna – look, I’m really sorry, but... you know, it’s just sometimes I get worried, you know?

**DONNA:**

Well, you know what? Suck it up.

_She puts her journal away in her writing desk._

**DONNA (cont’d)** :

Eric, these are my private thoughts, and I’m allowed to have them. You have to stop trying to be what you think I want you to be and just, like, be yourself.

**ERIC:**

Okay. I think I’m gonna go.

_He turns to leave._

**DONNA** :

Well, wait. Take off your pants.

_Eric’s eyes light up._

**ERIC** :

Really? All right!

_Donna laughs._

**DONNA** :

No. To show me your tattoo.

**ERIC** :

I knew that, yeah. I knew that. I think you’re really gonna like it. Just... don’t be mad if it says “Debbie.”

_Eric turns around, drops his pants, and lifts his shirt up to expose his ass. Donna takes a look and chokes down a laugh._

**DONNA** :

Woodstock.

**ERIC** :

It says “Woodstock?”

**DONNA:**

No, it’s a picture of Snoopy’s friend Woodstock. You have a little yellow bird on your ass!

_She finally cracks as Eric considers all the regrets now tied into this tattoo._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**CREDITS**

**INT. DONNA’S BEDROOM - NIGHT**

_DREAM SEQUENCE. Donna and Jackie sit on the bed, rocking out, while the boys perform “Walk this Way” – Eric as Steven Tyler, Hyde as Joe Perry, Kelso as Tom Hamilton, Fez (still wearing the X-Ray glasses) as Brad Whitford, and Leo as Joey Kramer. Eric flirts with Donna as they perform, while Hyde and Kelso do the same with Jackie._

**ERIC (lip-sync):**

_So I took a big chance at the high school dance_

_With a missy who was ready to play_

_Was it me she was foolin’?_

_‘Cause she knew what she was doin’_

_Taught me how to walk this way_

_She told me to_

**ERIC & HYDE (lip-sync):**

_Walk this way!_

_Walk this way!_

_Walk this way!_

_Walk this way!_

**END.**


	9. J/H 3-23: Backstage Pass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second-to-last re-write of Season 3 here, and I'd like to say: I very much appreciate all the kind words left in the reviews for this fic. It's great to have fairly regular reader feedback, and I'm glad so many of you are enjoying this project. Hopefully, you still feel that way, even as things start to get - complicated - for Jackie and Hyde...XD
> 
> (This was a tricky one to re-write; the changes to "Trials of Michael Kelso" really start to factor in here, and that will lead into the season finale, but those changes meant that Hyde - a very guarded character - had to express certain things without saying them. It was a fun needle to thread, and I hope it worked out.)

**SHOW TITLE**

**INT. RADIO STATION - DAY**

_WFPP control room, early afternoon. The ON AIR light over the booth door is on. DONNA is in the booth, unable to stop grinning like a dork as she reads off the FARM REPORT._

**DONNA** :

And in pork belly news, prices have risen to nearly 54 cents per pound. Mmm-hmm, bacon!

_ERIC enters the control room, waving when he sees Donna. She waves back._

**DONNA (cont’d)** :

And I’ll be back at 3, 4, and 5 o’ clock with more updates. Until then, keep on farmin’!

_The ON AIR light shuts off. Donna exits the booth and crosses to a frowning Eric._

**DONNA (cont’d)** :

Hey.

**ERIC** :

Donna, you’re doing the rest of the farm reports? I thought we were going to the movies.

**DONNA** :

Well, Janice called in sick, so...

_She shrugs as she trails off and goes to work sorting records. Eric’s frown deepens._

**ERIC** :

Okay, Donna, look. I think we need to talk. I think this job is really cutting into your Eric time.

_Donna stops and looks at Eric, half-amused, half-annoyed._

**DONNA** :

My “Eric time?”

**ERIC** :

And I’m very concerned about your diminishing Eric time, because it directly affects me, you know.

(beat)

Um, I’m Eric.

_The door opens, and MAX enters, tickets in hand. He crosses to Donna._

**MAX** :

Hey, thanks for staying late again, Donna. You know, you might just turn this into a full-time gig.

**ERIC:**

Hey, I’m her full-time gig.

_Max gives him an appraising look._

**MAX** :

Yeah.

(to Donna)

Here’s those tickets. Enjoy the show.

_He hands Donna the tickets and exits._

**ERIC** :

Tickets?

**DONNA:**

Yeah. I know I’ve been working a lot lately and I wanted to make it up to you, so I got Max to hook us up with Ted Nugent tickets for everybody.

**ERIC** :

The Motor City Madman? No way!

_Donna presents him with the tickets, and he takes them in awe._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

Oh, my disappointment is melting into a mixture of excitement and guilt.

**DONNA** :

Great. That’s what I was going for.

_She gives him a quick kiss, then gets back to work._

**MAIN CREDITS**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY**

_The next day. Eric and Donna sit on the couch, Eric’s arm around Donna’s shoulders. “Cat Scratch Fever” by TED NUGENT plays on the radio._

_HYDE comes down the stairs and takes a seat in his chair._

**HYDE** :

Hey.

**DONNA:**

Hey. Ready for the Nuge tonight?

**HYDE** :

Oh, yeah. A night of business and pleasure.

_He cackles as he opens up a magazine._

**DONNA:**

What’s the business?

**HYDE** :

Check it out: me and Fez, we’re gonna sell counterfeit T-shirts after the show. I figure with the original concert T’s going for 15 dollars, we sell ours for ten and turn a 50-dollar investment into 250 bucks.

**DONNA:**

How entrepreneurial of you.

**ERIC:**

You and Fez, huh? So you’re taking a break from corrupting cheerleaders to revisit the old standby of exploiting foreign exchange students?

**HYDE** :

Hey, I get Jackie mixed up in anything that involves clothing, next thing you know I’m out my last cent smuggling discount Jordache in from Madison.

_He turns slightly away, overly interested in his magazine. Eric and Donna share a look._

**ERIC:**

(to Hyde)

Seriously, man. What’s going on with you and Jackie?

**HYDE** :

(warning)

I keep telling everyone, nothing.

**ERIC** :

And yet you keep _doing_ not-nothing.

(adopts stern, “fatherly” voice)

“Come, come, my wayward orphan – confess your feelings.”

_Hyde flips his magazine down in frustration._

**HYDE** :

Fine. You wanna know what’s going on?

(beat)

You know that episode of _Wild Kingdom_ where the pilot fish hangs around the school of sharks? We can’t get rid of the pilot fish, so someone’s gotta show her how to be badass.

_Eric scoffs and Donna chuckles._

**DONNA:**

Well, if the shark had any other ideas, he might want to make a move, or else the pilot fish might just go back to the big, dumb Kelso fish.

**HYDE** :

(scoffs)

Yeah, right.

_He goes back to his magazine._

**DONNA:**

Really, Hyde, I think he and Jackie are gonna get back together.

**HYDE** :

Trust me, that door’s closed. There’s no way Jackie’s going out with Kelso again.

CUT TO:

**INT. CAR - DAY**

_The inside of a Lincoln, parked in a random lot. KELSO sits in the driver’s seat, and JACKIE in the passenger’s seat. “Fins” by Jimmy Buffett plays on the car radio._

**KELSO** :

I want you to go out with me again.

**JACKIE** :

What?

**KELSO** :

Look, I know we were gonna stick to being just friends, but it’s been going so well that I think we should give us another try as a couple.

_Jackie looks skeptical. Undeterred, Kelso leans a little closer._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

We can start slow. Try one date, see how it goes. And it’ll be full of all the romantic magic you love. And I know magic.

_He waves his hands around, turning the flailing into the thumb removal magic trick._

**JACKIE** :

(giggling)

Michael, I don’t know.

**KELSO** :

Come on, Jackie. Just one date. Please?

_He gives her a big puppy-dog face._

**JACKIE:**

(laughs)

All right, Michael. You win. So, where are we going on our second first date?

**KELSO** :

The Ted Nugent concert.

**JACKIE** :

Michael, we’re _all_ going to the Ted Nugent concert.

**KELSO** :

Hey, a date with all our friends there! Now how’s that for magic?

_He beams at Jackie, who shakes her head and smiles._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - EVENING**

_Later that day. With the kids out at the show, it’s poker night with the Pinciottis. RED, MIDGE, KITTY, and BOB all sit around the kitchen table with cards and drinks._

**BOB** :

You know –

(points to Midge)

Our anniversary’s coming up. Eighteen years. I can still remember the first time I saw Midgie. She was the tallest girl in chemistry class.

**MIDGE:**

And Bob was the shortest boy. But what he lacked in height, he made up for in shortness.

_The Pinciottis beam at each other. Red turns away to hide his eye roll._

**KITTY** :

Red, do you remember when we first met?

**RED** :

Like it was yesterday.

_He leans back, and we cut to:_

**INT. DANCE HALL – NIGHT**

_FLASHBACK. A USO dance is underway, with great swing music and plenty of punch. A YOUNG RED stands near the punch bowl with a few army officers and navy sailors, spiking the punch with rum._

**RED (v.o.)** :

It was 1952 at a USO dance. Me and my buddies were blowing off steam. And suddenly, I saw her.

_Red looks up from the punch and sees a YOUNG KITTY, bathed in flattering light, across the dance floor._

**RED (v.o.)** :

She was the most beautiful girl in the joint.

_A MARINE gets between them as he leers over Kitty._

**MARINE** :

Hiya, dame. Wanna shake a leg?

**KITTY** :

No, thanks.

_She turns away, but the marine spins her back around by the arm._

**MARINE** :

It wasn’t a question.

**KITTY** :

I think it was, mister.

_Red come up behind them and taps the marine on the shoulder._

**RED** :

(to army man)

Mind if I cut in?

**MARINE** :

It’s none of your business, bell-bottom.

_He shoves Red back._

**RED** :

I think you could use a little punch, leatherneck.

_He slugs the marine good, taking him to the floor. Red stands tall and proud. His teeth actually shine in his smile._

_Kitty scowls at him, and when she talks, it’s the voice of PRESENT-DAY KITTY coming out._

**KITTY** :

Oh, you’re in big trouble, Red Forman.

**RED** :

Huh?

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – EVENING**

_The flashback’s come crashing down. Kitty glares at Red across the table._

**KITTY** :

I said, you’re in big trouble, Red Forman. You’re thinking of some other girl. That’s not how we met at all!

_Red frowns in thought._

**RED** :

Oh.

(beat)

Oh!

_He looks over at his wife. She is one unhappy lady._

**RED (cont’d)** :

Uh-oh.

_They continue to lock eyes across the table, while the Pinciottis try to be inconspicuous._

CUT TO:

**INT. AUDITORIUM – NIGHT**

_Minutes before the concert, a packed house. The gang take up an entire row of seats in the balcony: Hyde, FEZ, Donna, Eric, Jackie, and Kelso. Fez has a large cardboard box balanced in his lap._

**FEZ** :

(to Donna and Eric)

Hey, you guys want to see our counterfeit T-shirts?

_He reaches into the box and lifts up a black T-shirt with “Tad Nugent” written across the top. Fez smiles, but Hyde stirs; it’s the first time he’s seen the shirts._

**HYDE** : 

Fez, it’s _Ted_ Nugent.

**FEZ** : 

Uh-huh. Tad Nugent.

**HYDE** :

No, man. I’m saying “Ted.”

**FEZ** :

I’m saying “Tad” too.

**HYDE** :

No, you’re not. It says “Tad.”

**FEZ** :

I know it says “Tad.” I’m the one who put it on there. I don’t know why we’re fighting. What’s the problem here?

**HYDE** :

Because the shirt says “Tad!”

**FEZ** :

Exactly!

**HYDE** :

But the “A” should be an “E.”

**FEZ** :

Well, that’s not how you spell “Tad.”

**HYDE** : 

No. That’s how you spell “Ted.”

_It finally clicks. Fez gains a million-mile stare as he slowly replaces the shirt in the box._

**FEZ** :

Oh...

_But there’s no time to dwell on that. The lights dim and the crowd – including the gang – rise to their feet and erupt into cheers as the concert begins._

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM - NIGHT**

_Red sits on the couch, deep in thought. Unfortunately, Bob and Midge are sat right next to him, staring and interrupting those thoughts._

**RED** :

You know, it’s hard enough trying to remember this without you two staring at me.

**BOB** :

Hey, I could hypnotize you.

**MIDGE** :

I know! You could retrace your steps. What did you have for breakfast?

_Red is spared having to answer that by Kitty’s march through the living room, an empty wine glass in hand. Red stands._

**RED** :

Oh, hi, Kitty. Uh... you know,

(laughs)

I was just thinking about how much I love you -

**KITTY** :

So you remember yet?

**RED** :

Yes!

(beat)

No.

_Kitty sets he glass down and puts her hands on her hips._

**KITTY** :

It was November 17, 1953, at a USO dance. I remember because it was the most important moment of _my_ life!

**RED** :

(beat)

Really, Kitty? Because in November 1953, I was in Korea.

(sits)

So I’m pretty sure that you were talking to someone else.

_Kitty tries gamely to maintain surety._

**KITTY** :

Are you sure? Maybe – maybe you came home for the weekend.

_Red fixes her with a hard stare._

**RED** :

Not from Korea.

**KITTY** :

Oh, great. Now, neither one of us knows how we met. Well, you better get your thinking cap on, mister!

_She retrieves her wine glass and disappears into the kitchen as Red lets out a long sigh._

**BUMPER**

**INT. AUDITORIUM – NIGHT**

_We rejoin the concert just as it ends and spares the accountants any licensing concerns. Everyone is still on their feet, making noise._

**EMCEE (v.o.)**

Thank you, Wisconsin! Good night!

_In a long pan, the gang all applaud and (ad-lib) remark on the incredible show they’ve just seen. We end on Jackie and Kelso turning in toward each other._

**JACKIE** :

God, Michael, this was the most magical night!

**KELSO** :

You know, during the concert, I rewrote some of Ted Nugent’s songs with your name in it. Okay, which one do you like better: “Cat Scratch Jackie” or “Jackie Scratch Fever?”

**JACKIE** :

I love them both!

_They both laugh with joy and hurry up the aisle, hand in hand. Hyde looks after them. His shades can’t hide his shock._

_Fez waves a hand in front of Hyde’s eyes._

**FEZ** :

Hyde? Hello? We have crap to sell?

_He elbows his way past Hyde and heads up on the other end of the row. Hyde follows slowly, as if in a trance._

_Donna and Eric remain by the seats, taking in the ambience._

**ERIC** :

What do you wanna do now?

**DONNA** :

Uh... oh! We can go around back and watch the tour buses from behind the chain-link fence.

**ERIC** :

Great idea!

_They start to exit, but Max comes down the aisle and joins them in their row. He has a backstage pass around his neck._

**MAX** :

Hiya, kids. Enjoy the show?

**ERIC** :

Are you kidding? I’m deaf!

_Max smiles and nods._

**ERIC** :

You can say that again, Max!

_Max sits down._

**MAX** :

Well, you know, I’m starting to come down... I mean, I’m getting tired.

(to Donna)

Uh, why don’t you take this?

_He removes his backstage pass and hands it to Donna. She and Eric look at it as if it were the Holy Grail (or something.)_

**DONNA** :

Oh, my God... a backstage pass...

**ERIC** :

Oh, yeah!

(beat)

Oh, too bad there’s only one, huh?

**DONNA** :

I’ll be back in five minutes, I swear.

**ERIC** :

You’re going?

**DONNA** :

Well, don’t you want me to?

**ERIC** :

(beat)

Of course I do! That’s why I said, “oh, you’re going! Yay!”

**DONNA** :

You’re the best!

_She gives him a kiss and rushes off._

**ERIC** :

(to Donna’s wake)

Yeah, that’s...

(to Max)

Yeah, that’s good. That’s nice for her.

**MAX** :

You’ll never see her again. That’s how I lost my first wife. Damn you, Donny Osmond!

_He shakes his head violently as Eric looks down at the stage, troubled._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

**EXT. AUDITORIUM - NIGHT**

_Just outside the exit. The concert may be over, but people aren’t in a hurry to leave. At the base of the stairs, Hyde and Fez try to hawk their counterfeit merchandise. Shockingly, no one’s going for the “Tad” T’s._

_Fez is at least giving it the ol’ college try; Hyde seems distracted._

**FEZ** :

T-shirts! Get your crappy, misspelled T-shirts! Can’t enjoy the after-party without your crappy, misspelled T-shirts!

**HYDE** :

(to Fez)

I rue the day I took you under my wing, my foreign friend. I should’ve gone with Jackie on this.

_Fez looks over at Hyde and pouts._

**FEZ** :

Oh, yes... Jackie, who kicked Fort Anderson’s ass. Jackie, so good at graffiti. Jackie, with the bobby pins for picking locks. Well, I am not your perfect student Jackie, Hyde! She is getting back together with Kelso, so you will have to settle for me!

_He stomps his foot and turns away. Behind his shades, Hyde rolls his eyes._

**HYDE** :

They’re not back together, all right? Jackie’s learned enough now that she’s not gonna go back to a buffoon like Kelso.

_Speak of the devil: Kelso and Jackie come up behind Hyde, happy as clams. At least, they are until Jackie notices a puddle of vomit in front of them._

**JACKIE** :

Eww! Michael, someone blew chunks.

_Without missing a beat, Kelso takes the Tad T from Fez, spreads it out over the vomit, and offers his arm to Jackie._

**KELSO:**

May I escort you across the vomit, my lady?

_Jackie smiles and links arms with him._

**JACKIE** :

Why thank you, good sir.

_Heads held high, they walk across the T-shirt and proceed on their way._

_Hyde glares after them. Fez turns to Hyde, rather smug._

**FEZ** :

So... the buffoon makes his move. And she will go back to him. And then who will you have? No one – but Fez.

_He retrieves another T-shirt from the box and holds it up for passersby to see._

**FEZ** :

Todd Nugent! Get your Todd Nugent T-shirts!

**HYDE** :

Fez?

_He beckons Fez closer, and Fez leans in._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

IT’S TED!

_TWO POLICEMEN appear behind Fez._

**POLICEMAN** :

Is there a problem here?

_Hyde and Fez look at the cops, look at each other, and break for it, leaving the T-shirts behind. The cops take off after them._

CUT TO:

**INT. BACKSTAGE – NIGHT**

_The life of a rock star. TED NUGENT and his band kick back after their show, a bevy of beautiful women hanging on each of them. Amps and guitars rest against the walls and furniture._

_Into this den of cool steps Donna, jaw hanging open. Ted notices her first._

**TED** :

Hey, who ordered the redhead?

_Two of the band raise their hands._

**DONNA** :

(to Ted)

Oh, my God, you’re looking at me.

(to the band)

Ted Nugent is looking at me.

(to Ted)

Stop looking at me! I’m Donna. I am, like, your biggest fan.

_She offers her hand, and Ted takes it._

**TED** :

Hi, Donna. Meet the other groupies.

(pointing each one out)

This is Blonde Girl, the other Blonde Girl, Tall Girl, and the Tall Blonde Girl.

**DONNA:**

Well, actually, I’m not a groupie. I mean, I love you, but I work at a rock radio station – WFPP, “The Sound!” I do the farm report. It’s like, a huge day for pork bellies.

(beat)

You don’t care. Sorry.

_Ted stands and crosses to Donna._

**TED** :

Oh, you work for a radio station? You wanna do an interview or somethin’?

**DONNA** :

Oh, my God. An interview would be amazing. Do you have, um, a piece of paper and one of those, uh...

**TED** :

Pens.

**DONNA** :

Pens. Exactly!

_One of the band hands Donna a notepad and pen._

**DONNA** :

You are the best.

(to Ted)

Okay, first question... um... uh... oh, my God, why are you so great?

**BUMPER**

**INT. AUDITORIUM - NIGHT**

_Eric and Max are still up in the balcony, both sitting, Max still coming down. A JANITOR stands impatiently to their left with a mop and bucket._

**ERIC** :

It’s not just tonight, you know. Yeah, she’s been blowing me off more and more. And she thinks I’ll take it, but I won’t. Uh-uh.

**MAX** :

Yeah, that’s how it starts. You say you won’t take it; you say you’ll be firm. And then the Mormon smoothie comes to town...

_A haunted look comes to Max’s eye, enough to give Eric a chill. The janitor, on the other hand, is unfazed._

**JANITOR** :

Can you two lift your feet please?

_Somewhat grudgingly, Eric lifts his feet. Max doesn’t; he’s so lost in memories and his trip, he probably didn’t hear. Eric manages, awkwardly, to pull Max’s legs up as the janitor passes through._

CUT TO:

**INT. BACKSTAGE - NIGHT**

_Some time later. Donna has taken Ted’s chair, while the Nuge plays a section of “Strangehold” on his guitar. As he finishes, Donna leaps up, applauding. When she realizes she’s the only one reacting, she’s flummoxed._

**DONNA** :

What is wrong with you people? Come on! That was great! What, are you on dope?

_They all stare back her with glazed expressions._

**DONNA** :

Oh.

(to Ted)

Well, I better go. My boyfriend’s waiting. Thank you so much for the interview, Ted.

_They shake hands again_.

**TED** :

You’re very welcome. You wanna stick around? I’ll let you touch the guitar.

**DONNA** :

Really? All right!

(beat)

Wait, you mean your _guitar_ guitar, right?

**TED** :

Yeah.

**DONNA** :

All right!

_She reaches out and strokes his guitar._

CUT TO:

**EXT. AUDITORIUM - NIGHT**

_Far down the auditorium wall, with restroom doors. Hyde, coming down from a full run, ducks behind a tree and leans back against the wall to catch his breath._

_Jackie and Kelso stroll up the sidewalk, their arms still linked. Jackie has a small bag of popcorn. They don’t see Hyde, but he sees them._

**JACKIE** :

Michael, I have to say, this really has been a magically romantic day.

_They look at each other and smile. As they reach the restroom doors, Kelso stops. He takes his arm back, holds up a finger for “one sec,” and steps inside. Jackie sighs contentedly and looks out at the night._

_Hyde steps out from behind the tree. Jackie yelps and jumps back, her popcorn flying everywhere. She sees it’s Hyde and relaxes, though she still clutches at her chest._

**JACKIE:**

Steven, you scared me.

**HYDE** :

(points to restroom)

What’s going on with you and Kelso?

**JACKIE:**

Oh. Well...

_She giggles. Coyly, she steps in toward Steven._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

Steven, should I give Michael a second chance? I mean, Donna says “no,” and I didn’t think I wanted to be more than friends, but he really has changed. He’s so different. And we’re different together. I felt that tonight.

_She chuckles to herself and kicks at the sidewalk_.

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

I dunno. What do you think?

_Hyde regards her coolly._

**HYDE** :

If that’s your call, make the play.

_Jackie beams and starts to pace with joy._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

Yeah, I mean, you made the same call after he burned your house, and that worked out, right?

_Jackie stops pacing, looks to Hyde, confused._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

Oh, and when he first got his van, and you thought that was a step toward maturity, then he used it for nailin’ Laurie. Real good call there.

**JACKIE** :

What are you saying?

**HYDE:**

Oh, are you not getting it? Maybe it’d help if I waved around some pom-poms and used a cheer with all one-syllable words.

_Jackie takes a step back; it’s been a long time since she’s seen Hyde like this._

**JACKIE** :

Steven, you’re being rude.

**HYDE** :

Sorry. It’s my nature to be rude to stupid crap.

**JACKIE** :

(hurt)

_Steven!_

**HYDE** :

What, I’m wrong? When Kelso burns you over and over, tells you he’s changed, and because he kisses your ass and buys you crap, you fall for it every time?

_He gives her a chance to retort; she can’t._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

I had you figured right in the first place, but I thought maybe you weren’t that square and shallow, so I gave you a shot. Turns out you haven’t learned a thing from me.

_He starts to walk away._

**JACKIE** :

Steven, what are you talking about? What was I supposed to learn?

_Hyde stops and whirls around._

**HYDE** :

To think! Maybe then you’d see life ain’t one of your Nancy Drew, Disney World, unicorn fantasies. That second chances are for losers who can’t figure out that people don’t change, and if they screw you once, they screw you every time.

_He advances on her as he raves. Jackie doesn’t back up._

**JACKIE** :

That’s not true! People _do_ change! _You’ve_ changed! At least, I thought you had, from when you were such a jerk when we first met. But I _know_ Michael has, because I _have_ thought about this, a lot, and I didn’t _just_ believe that things were different this time. And by the way, Steven? _I’m_ the one who was “screwed” and hurt and betrayed. What would a scruffy orphan know about that?

_Hyde’s face doesn’t change, but Jackie knows immediately she’s gone too far. Finally, she takes a step back, her hands over her mouth._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

Steven, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean -

**HYDE:**

(cold)

You wanna know what I think? I think you can marry that moron for all I care. Next time you get burned, find someone else to cry to.

_He walks away. Jackie doesn’t follow him, not even with her eyes. She just stares ahead at the ground, trying not to cry._

_Kelso comes out of the bathroom, all smiles. He moseys up behind Jackie and puts a hand on her shoulder._

**KELSO** :

Hey there. So, the concession stand’s still open, and I think they were selling cherry slurpees.

_Jackie looks up at him, eyes shining with tears. She pulls away from his hold and stomps off. Kelso’s jaw drops._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

Okay, we’ll get watermelon!

_That doesn’t bring her back. Kelso throws up his hands and runs after her._

_Further up the sidewalk, Hyde stands alone. He rips his sunglasses off, clenching them tight in his fist as he kicks at the auditorium wall._

_The policemen come up the way Jackie and Kelso left, each of them holding Fez by an arm between them. Fez is handcuffed._

**FEZ** :

(to Hyde)

“Sell some T-shirts,” you said. “No risk,” you said. I’m going to jail, you son of a bitch!

_They all pass by. Hyde looks after Jackie and Kelso briefly, then pops his shades back on and goes after Fez._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT**

_The Pinciottis have gone. Kitty sits on the couch, flipping through an old photo album. Red enters from the kitchen with two small drinks._

**KITTY** :

(not looking up)

Oh, Red, it’s killing me that I can’t remember.

**RED** :

Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, me too.

(sits next to her)

But I’ll tell you one thing I remember: I remember that you loved Manhattans.

_He hands her one of the drinks._

**KITTY** :

Oh, that’s right. That’s what I used to drink.

(laughs)

Oh, I haven’t had a Manhattan in twenty years.

_She and Red clink glasses and have a sip. It’s a GOOD Manhattan._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

Oh, boy, that takes me back. Oh. Oh...

_The lightbulb goes off in her head. We cut to:_

**INT. DANCE HALL – NIGHT**

_FLASHBACK. Young Kitty is sat at a table with A FRIEND, a row of glasses in front of her. She downs one Manhattan and accepts another from the WAITER._

**KITTY:**

(to waiter)

Keep ‘em coming.

(to friend)

Oh, my. I’m as loose as a goose.

(laughs)

_Back by the punch bowl, young Red and HIS FRIEND stand with shot glasses in hand._

**RED** :

Okay, let’s do it.

_They clink glasses, down their shots, set the glasses down, and drop their pants. On their boxers are written the words “HELLO LADIES.”_

_Kitty, her back to them, doesn’t see the mooning. She stands up as well as she can, all giggles._

**KITTY** :

Upsy-daisy. I need to use the ladies’ -

_She turns to head for the restroom but collides with Red’s ass and falls down on hers. It doesn’t damper her mood any; she falls into a fresh round of laughter. Red turns to look at her, hiking his pants back up as he does so._

**RED** :

You all right?

**KITTY** :

I bumped into your butt and fell down!

(laughs)

**RED:**

Sorry. My pants were...

_He helps her to her feet, and they look at each other – really look at each other. Red’s grip turns into a handshake._

**RED (cont’d):**

I’m Red Forman.

**KITTY:**

How do you do, Red Forman? I’m Kitty Sigurdson.

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT**

_The present. Neither Red nor Kitty can believe it._

**RED** :

You bumped into my butt and fell down? And _that’s_ how we met?

**KITTY** :

I’m afraid so.

**RED** :

(beat)

Well, what do you say, if the kids ever ask, we go with the “I punched out a marine” story.

**KITTY** :

And I wasn’t drinking, I was reading to the blind.

**RED** :

Sounds good.

_They clink glasses, take a sip, and look at the album._

CUT TO:

**EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT**

_The auditorium lot. The concert crowds have finally dispersed; the Vista Cruiser is alone in the lot. Eric sits on the front of the car, listening to the radio through the cracked windows._

_Donna comes around the corner. She races to Eric when she sees him, and he slides off the car._

**DONNA** :

Oh, my God, Eric, I have so much to tell you! I actually met Ted Nugent, and I got an interview, and I know I said I’d be right back, but – it was so exciting!

**ERIC** :

Oh, yeah. My night too. I met the janitor, and I got to hear your boss talk about the sexual magnetism of Donny Osmond. Rock n’ roll!

_His tone isn’t lost on Donna._

**DONNA:**

Eric, you’re mad at me for going backstage to meet Ted Nugent?

**ERIC** :

No, no. I’m mad at you because you ditched me.

**DONNA** :

I didn’t ditch you. This was Ted Nugent! This was a huge opportunity for me. So, come Monday, I don’t have to just talk about the farm report. I can talk about the interview, like an interviewer.

**ERIC** :

Well, you know what, Donna? All I can say is that my mom never would have bailed on my dad like that.

**DONNA** :

Yeah, I know. But _they’re_ married.

**ERIC** :

(beat)

Okay. Okay, forget it. Let’s just forget it. You’re sorry – everything’s fine.

**DONNA** :

I never said I was sorry.

**ERIC** :

But... you are, right?

**DONNA** :

I shouldn’t have to be.

_Eric has no reply._

_He’s spared having to make one by Hyde and Fez coming around the corner, Hyde’s arm around Fez’s shoulders._

**FEZ** :

I am free! At last, I am free! They were going to charge me with selling counterfeit merchandise, but Hyde convinced them that since Ted Nugent was misspelled, it wasn’t really counterfeit, it was just stupid. My ignorance of American youth culture finally pays off.

_Hyde notices Donna’s pass._

**HYDE:**

Donna, man, did you get to meet the Nuge?

**DONNA:**

Yeah, it was awesome! I was right there with him! The Nuge!

_The flash of excitement vanishes when Donna turns back to Eric._

**DONNA (cont’d)** :

So can we go now?

_Jackie and Kelso come up from the other direction. Jackie has her arms folded and her head down, and Kelso is completely lost._

**KELSO** :

Well, damn, Jackie, just tell me where the magic went!

_They stop when they see the rest of the gang. Jackie glares at Hyde, who glares back. Eric and Donna stare each other down. Fez and Kelso shift uncomfortably._

_The driver’s side back door opens on the Vista Cruiser. Max sticks his head out. He’s still not fully down._

**MAX** :

Hey, kids? I can’t find my car.

_He looks up at them pleadingly. They all start to look in different directions for his car._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**CREDITS**

**EXT. AUDITORIUM - NIGHT**

_Just outside the exit. The box of Tad Nugent T-shirts is right where Hyde and Fez left it._

_Ted Nugent himself walks up the sidewalk, dressed down from the show. He spies the box and takes a look inside. He holds one of the shirts up to his chest; it seems like a good fit. Ted shrugs, tosses the shirt over his shoulder, picks up the box, and carries on._

**END.**


	10. J/H 3-25: The Promise Ring

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are - the end of Season 3! Subtext from last time comes out as text, and the path into Season 4 is laid. How's it look? Read on!
> 
> (I had originally planned on re-writing the "B" story of "Canadian Road Trip," but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had no real ideas that would tie into a Jackie/Hyde project like this. All I had was a dislike of Jackie's line about never having to think again if she were a model. I still hate that line, but as I said at the off-set, I wasn't looking to "correct" anything about the series just because I don't like it. To the extent you can talk about "filler" in a sitcom, "Canadian Road Trip" is filler anyway, a fun one-off episode that could play at almost any point in the series, with the characters at their most basic.)

**SHOW TITLE**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT**

_A chill night in the usual hangout. ERIC sits on the couch, counting dollar bills. KELSO paces behind him, whacking a paddleball continuously and loudly._

_HYDE enters through the basement door and nods at Eric._

**HYDE** :

Hey.

_He starts to cross to his chair but is blocked by Kelso, who keeps paddling as if he hadn’t noticed Hyde’s entrance. Hyde’s head bobs slightly as he watches each whack of the paddle, the noise becoming more and more pronounced. Finally, Hyde rips the paddle from Kelso’s hands, pulls the ball free, tosses it back toward his room, and whacks Kelso in the arm with the paddle before shoving it into his hands._

_Eric looks up from his money and smiles at Hyde._

**ERIC** :

Rough day down at the precinct there, champ?

_A scowling Kelso wags the paddle at Hyde._

**KELSO:**

(slow, deliberate)

It’s not the paddleball’s fault you’re on probation, Hyde.

_He stomps back toward Hyde’s room to look for the ball. Eric resumes counting money and Hyde makes his way to his chair._

**HYDE** :

(to Eric)

What are you up to?

**ERIC** :

Just counting my secret stash. I’m getting something special for Donna. ‘Cause, you know, she and I have been fighting a lot lately...

_Kelso, with the ball in one hand and the paddle in the other, jumps over the back of the couch and sits at the other end._

**KELSO** :

I wish Jackie and me were fighting. I’m used to that. But ever since the Ted Nugent concert she won’t even talk to me.

_Hyde stirs with interest. Eric takes note._

**ERIC:**

(flat, to Kelso)

Oh, no. How awful.

_He gives Kelso a look of mock-sympathy. If Kelso gets the sarcasm, he ignores it._

**KELSO** :

Man, I thought for sure we were gonna get back together there. I mean, that second first date kicked ass. But she got all upset right at the end and wouldn’t even tell me why. I don’t get it.

_He shakes his head, turns his attention to the broken paddleball. He looks back and forth from the paddle to the ball, trying to puzzle out how to reconnect them._

_Eric and Hyde regard him coolly, then turn to each other when they realize he’s not going to figure it out._

**ERIC** :

(to Hyde)

I’m gonna get Donna a promise ring.

**HYDE** :

Careful, Forman. You get mushy with Donna, she’s gonna see the secret girl inside the man. Now trust me. You won’t wanna let Erica out.

**KELSO:**

(laughs)

“Erica.” That’s a good burn. You can’t do that with Michael, I’m lucky.

**HYDE** :

Oh, really, Michelle?

_Kelso pouts, turns to Eric._

**KELSO** :

Don’t listen to him, Eric. Hyde obviously doesn’t understand mature relationships, but I do. And a promise ring is not only a gift from the heart, but it also means more sex and less mouthing off.

_Eric gives him a long look._

**ERIC** :

Really, no idea why Jackie wouldn’t want to get back together?

**KELSO** :

None!

_He throws his hands up in the air as Eric and Hyde share a look._

**MAIN CREDITS**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY**

_The next day. THE CIRCLE. Eric, riding a good high, holds up the PROMISE RING he’s purchased._

**ERIC** :

Ah, the ring of love. Just holding it makes me feel mellow and content.

(beat)

Actually, that might not be the ring.

_Pan to Kelso._

**KELSO** :

Guys, what if the reason Jackie didn’t wanna get back together is because she doesn’t wanna be with a guy like me? I mean, sure, I’m good-looking – but I can’t be trusted!

_Pan to Hyde._

**HYDE** :

Come on, Kelso. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I mean, sure, you cheated on Jackie, lied to her all the time, and kept talking about breaking up with her behind her back – but it’s always great for us watching all that come back to bite you in the ass.

_Pan to FEZ._

**FEZ** :

Why is everyone but Fez in love? If I don’t get some romance soon, I’m going to give myself a blister. Well... another blister.

_Pan to Eric._

**ERIC** :

(to Kelso)

Yeah, Kelso. You and Jackie are like the perfect couple. You do the bad stuff and she tries to catch you. She’s Smokey to your bandit.

(beat)

God, it’s like that movie applies to _everything_!

_Pan to Kelso._

**KELSO** :

Man, why is everyone always against my love? Especially you, Hyde. When it comes to Jackie, you’re always bringing up the bad times, trying to get me caught doing bad stuff, or cutting in on all my master plans. You’re like one of those bitchy cheerleaders on Jackie’s squad. Hyde... alisha...

(to Eric)

Quick, what’s a girlie name for Hyde?

_Pan to Eric._

**ERIC** :

Uh... Hyde-ringa?

_Pan to Fez._

**FEZ** :

Hyde-ephanie?

_Pan to Hyde._

**HYDE** :

It’s Heidi, ya morons! Heidi!

_He shakes his head in disgust._

**BUMPER**

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – NIGHT**

_A calm, peaceful night. The Vista Cruiser is parked in the driveway. Eric and DONNA lie on the hood, looking up at the stars._

**ERIC** :

That was fun, huh? It was a good movie. It was one of those love movies like you like, huh? And who took ya?

(points to himself)

This guy.

**DONNA** :

Yeah, it was great.

**ERIC** :

You know what else this guy did for you?

_He pulls out a ring box with a red ribbon and a card attached._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Got you a present.

_They both sit up. Donna takes the ring box and reads the card._

**DONNA:**

“To Donna. Love, This Guy.”

**ERIC** :

Yeah, that’s me.

_Donna gives him a smile and opens up the box. She takes the ring out, holds it up._

**DONNA** :

Oh, my God.

**ERIC** :

It’s a promise ring.

**DONNA** :

Eric, it’s... it’s beautiful.

**ERIC:**

I’m so glad you like it. ‘Cause... look.

_He takes her hand, the one holding the ring._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

Even though things have been a little weird lately...

_With perfectly bad timing, RED and KITTY step out from the kitchen and see the kids._

**KITTY** :

Oh! Look how cute on the car!

(laughs)

_Eric and Red look mortified, but Donna smiles and hops down. She holds out the ring for Kitty to see._

**DONNA** :

Here. Look at what Eric got me.

_Kitty takes the ring._

**KITTY** :

Oh, my...

(to Red)

Red, go get the camera.

**RED** :

Kitty...

**ERIC** :

Mom, I -

**KITTY** :

(to Red)

Go! It’s – it’s in the drawer near the cheese grater.

_Red heads back inside._

**ERIC** :

Mom, _no_.

**KITTY** :

Hush.

(to Donna)

Donna, now, make the face you made when Eric gave you the ring.

_She hands the ring back. Donna rolls her eyes._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

Oh, now, see – I don’t think you rolled your eyes!

(laughs)

_Red appears in the patio doorway, but doesn’t come back outside._

**RED** :

Kitty, I cut myself on the cheese grater.

_Kitty tuns to look at him. Eric and Donna, seizing their chance, take off down the sidewalk. Kitty turns back around, too late._

**KITTY** :

Oh, now you get back here and smile, dammit!

_They do no such thing. Defeated, Kitty heads back inside to tend to Red._

**BUMPER**

**INT. HUB – DAY**

_A sunny afternoon, modest business. Donna and JACKIE are at the wall table, Donna in the booth seat and Jackie across from her. Donna has the promise ring on her left index finger. She holds her hand up so Jackie can see the ring._

**DONNA** :

Can you believe it? Isn’t it pretty?

**JACKIE** :

Oh, it’s beautiful... and Eric found a ring size big enough for your giant hands.

_Donna gives a quick eye roll, then turns back to admiring her ring._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

Donna, why aren’t you wearing it on your left ring finger?

**DONNA** :

(shrugs)

I dunno. ‘Cause I like it on this finger. What’s the difference?

**JACKIE** :

Donna, a promise ring is sacred. If you don’t wear your promise ring on your left ring finger, it totally cancels out the promise that you’ll be together forever.

**DONNA** :

Wait, that’s what I promised?

_Her right hand closes around the left, hiding the ring from sight._

_Hyde enters and crosses to the girls’ table._

**HYDE** :

(to Donna)

Hey.

_Jackie looks up at him and glowers._

**JACKIE** :

Oh, hello, jerk.

**HYDE** :

Good afternoon, wench.

_The insult cuts. Jackie stands and elbows Hyde as she runs into the bathroom._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

(to Donna)

Hear that? The sweet sound of silence.

_He grins and sits. Now Donna glares at him._

**DONNA** :

Shut up. Jackie told me what you said to her after the Ted Nugent concert. You know, that’s why she and Kelso aren’t back together yet.

**HYDE** :

Oh, yeah? Hey, you think that would get me off probation early? You know, for the vital public service of keeping morons split apart.

**DONNA** :

Hyde, the “distant jerk” act’s not gonna work on me, okay? We’ve been friends for too long. I know what’s going on: you like Jackie... for some twisted reason... but you’re too in denial to own up, so now you’re mad at her for wanting to get back with Kelso and you’re worried he’ll hurt her again.

_Hyde pulls a stunned face._

**HYDE:**

Oh, my God, you’re right! And that dream I had last night, where I was Sonny Corleone and kicked ass at the toll booth, that was really my unconscious mind telling me how I want to kill my father! Thanks, Sigmund!

_He blows a raspberry. Donna wipes the spittle off her face._

**DONNA** :

Look, I think it’s a bad idea too, but believe it or not, Jackie has thought this through. It was weird, sophomore, cheerleader thinking... but she has been more careful this time. And Kelso actually has worked really hard to show her that he’s changed.

**HYDE:**

But he hasn’t, because people don’t change.

**DONNA** :

Come on. That’s not true.

**HYDE** : 

It’s true where I come from.

_Donna leans back and regards Hyde. She sees where he’s coming from now._

**DONNA** : 

Yeah, well, Kelso is not your parents.

_Hyde jerks in his chair, but Donna doesn’t stop._

**DONNA (cont’d)** :

He’s your friend, and so’s Jackie. She really looks up to you, and this time, you’re the one who hurt her. And you could’ve taken a shot yourself if you weren’t so proud. If you’re not going to do that, you could at least respect that Jackie made a choice and thought it through, even if you think it’s wrong.

_Hyde gives Donna a long look, his shades a mask to what he’s feeling._

_Jackie comes in from the bathroom. Hyde gets up and leaves before she finishes sitting down. Jackie looks away from the door._

_Donna looks back down at her ring. Jackie takes notice._

**JACKIE** :

You know, Donna – I really need to introduce you to my good friend, nail polish.

_She holds up her perfectly manicured nails. Donna frowns at her, then turns back to her ring._

CUT TO:

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - EVENING**

_Later that day. The Vista Cruiser is out in the driveway. Hyde and Eric play basketball while Kelso and Fez lean against the car._

**KELSO** :

(to Fez)

Man, I just – maybe I should go to Jackie, you know? Lay it all on the line. But what if... what if that’s it? I don’t think I can take that again.

**FEZ** :

I understand. You are a sensitive man, Kelso. Tender. Delicate.

**HYDE** :

Girlish, even.

_Donna and Jackie come up the driveway. Eric, who has the ball, tosses it to Hyde and crosses to Donna._

**ERIC** :

Oh, there you are. The movie’s about to start.

_He takes Donna’s left hand and starts to lead her around the car when he notices: the ring isn’t there anymore._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

Where’s your ring?

**DONNA** :

Oh, I put it on a chain so I could wear it around my neck.

_She lifts the ring and chain up to show him, crosses to the patio. The others start to make their way around the car._

**KELSO:**

BURN! Oh, super burn! The wedding’s off!

**ERIC & DONNA**:

Kelso, shut up.

_Eric crosses to Donna. The others all follow, right behind him._

**ERIC** :

Donna, why aren’t you wearing the ring on your hand?

**DONNA** :

I don’t know. I didn’t really think it was a big deal.

**JACKIE** :

That is not true!

(to Donna)

I told you –

(to the others)

I told her it was a big deal!

**DONNA** :

Look, Eric, why don’t we talk about this later?

**ERIC** :

Well, there’s not really anything to talk about. Unless – you don’t want to wear the ring.

**KELSO** :

OUCH!

_Everyone gives him the same dirty look._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

Sorry – I’m sorry.

_He gestures for Eric to continue._

_Eric looks back to Donna. She looks back at him, then laughs and shakes her head._

**DONNA** :

It’s great. The ring is great.

_She unhooks the chain and slides the ring onto her left ring finger. For good measure, she holds up her hand._

**DONNA (cont’d)** :

See? It’s great.

**ERIC** :

So... we’re good?

**DONNA** :

Yeah, fine.

**ERIC** :

Okay, good!

_They head to the passenger side of the Vista Cruiser. Eric opens the door for Donna. Just as she’s about to step inside, Kitty rushes out from the kitchen, camera in hand, and snaps a picture of them. Eric flashes a sheepish smile; Donna wears a long face._

_Kitty looks up from the viewfinder._

**KITTY** :

It’s my God-given right as a mother!

_She disappears back into the house. Donna gets inside the car._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY**

_The next day. Red, Kitty, BOB, and MIDGE sit at the kitchen table. Red has a PHOTOGRAPH in his hand; it’s the picture Kitty took the night before. The parents study it carefully._

**KITTY** :

(beat)

Well, now – now _that_ is just so... oh, dear.

**MIDGE** :

When they got home, I asked Donna how it went, and she said “fine.”

(shakes her head)

But she didn’t seem fine.

**KITTY** :

And Eric has never been good at knowing when “fine” isn’t fine. It runs in the family.

**RED** :

(to Kitty)

No, it does not!

**KITTY** :

(cold)

Fine.

**RED** :

Okay! Good.

_He smiles, oblivious._

_Bob takes the photo._

**BOB:**

I dunno. She doesn’t look that unhappy.

(to Midge)

She kind of looks like you.

**MIDGE** :

I’m unhappy, Bob.

_They all look amongst themselves. Kitty breaks the silence with a nervous laugh._

CUT TO:

**INT. DONNA’S BEDROOM – DAY**

_Concurrent with the previous scene. Donna is in bed for an afternoon nap. The promise ring is in her right hand. A slow zoom in as we cut to:_

**INT. GAME SHOW STAGE**

_DREAM SEQUENCE. Donna is on LET’S MAKE A DEAL, complete with stupid carrot costume. She bobs on her feet as MONTY HALL comes up to her, microphone in hand._

**ANNOUNCER (v.o.)** :

Welcome to “Let’s Make a Deal!”

**MONTY** :

All right, Donna, which is it going to be? Your future behind Door Number 1, Door Number 2, or Door Number 3?

**DONNA** : 

Oh, my God, I don’t know!

_She jumps and claps._

**DONNA (cont’d)** :

Okay – Door Number 3!

**MONTY** :

Door Number 3? All right, let’s take a look at what you didn’t choose behind Door Number 1.

_Door Number 1 opens. There is a writing desk with a typewriter and a coatrack with a leather jacket hanging on it._

**MONTY (cont’d)** :

It’s a leather jacket and a typewriter, which you could have used when you became a globe-trotting rock n’ roll journalist!

_Donna’s shoulders slump._

**DONNA** :

Wow... that would’ve been nice.

**MONTY:**

Yeah, too bad. All right, let’s take a look at what was behind Door Number 2.

_Door Number 2 opens. The U.S. Constitution, framed, is displayed between the Wisconsin and American flags._

**MONTY (cont’d)** :

The U.S. Constitution, which would come in handy when you became the first woman president!

**DONNA** :

Oh, Monty, these prizes are bitchin’!

**MONTY** :

Yeah, truly bitchin’. Now, let’s take a look at what you _did_ choose behind Door Number 3.

_Door Number 3 opens. Eric is sitting on a donkey, beaming and waving, as terrible country music plays._

**MONTY (cont’d)** :

It’s your boyfriend and a promise ring!

**ERIC:**

I love you!

_He blows Donna a kiss. The “zonk” sound plays. Donna’s face falls as we cut to:_

**INT. DONNA’S BEDROOM – DAY**

_Donna wakes from her dream. She curls her right hand in toward her and looks at the promise ring._

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY**

_Concurrent with the previous two scenes. Kelso is in Hyde’s chair, his leg restless, while Fez reads a comic on the couch._

**KELSO** :

This is it, man. If Jackie won’t take me back, I’m done with chicks for good. I’ll be like a monk. Or an ugly person.

_Hyde comes down the stairs, a beer can in hand. He’s almost on a march._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

(to Hyde)

Hey, how’d you sneak the beer? Is Red still looking at that -

_Hyde tosses the can aside. He grabs Kelso by the collar, hauls him out of the chair, and throws him back against the water heater._

**HYDE** :

Are you now, or will you ever again be shacking up with Forman’s skanky sister?

_He isn’t completely drunk, but the beer’s loosened his tongue and temper. Kelso, cornered, tries his best to shrink down._

**KELSO** :

Why, did she say something about me?

(Hyde frogs him in the arm)

OW!

**HYDE** :

I’ll ask the questions here, dirtbag! Now – yes or no?

**KELSO** :

No!

**HYDE** :

Do you now, or will you ever again sneak out back behind the gym to make it with Pam Macy?

**KELSO** :

It was also in the gym. And her car.

(Hyde frogs him in the arm)

OW! No!

**HYDE** :

Are you now, or will you ever again look to get any action on the side with whores, trash, or sluts from Sacred Heart?

**KELSO** :

NO! And – dude, Hyde, you need to get off probation, ‘cause all that time around cops is having a bad influence on you!

**FEZ** :

I disagree. Once he outgrows his rebellious phase, I think Hyde would make an excellent cop. He projects an air of masculine authority.

_Kelso and Hyde give Fez a look, then turn back to each other._

**HYDE** :

I’m not kidding around here, Kelso! Now, I’ve had a shot! I’ve had a good shot! And I’ve been holding that shot! And if I keep holding it, so you can have your shot, because that’s the shot she wants to take, then I need to know damn well that you’re not gonna blow your shot!

**KELSO** :

(beat)

Wait, I’m confused. Are we going hunting?

(Hyde frogs him)

OW! Why the violence?

**FEZ** :

(to Kelso)

He means Jackie, fool!

**KELSO** :

All right, fine! Look, Hyde – I don’t know what’s going on with you and Jackie – if you like her, or if her dad hired you to be, like, her secret bodyguard – and, if he did, he’s getting his money’s worth, because – damn!

_He massages the spot on his arm where Hyde’s been hitting him._

**FEZ:**

(to Hyde)

See, another career opportunity for you. What a productive afternoon.

**KELSO** :

(to Hyde)

Look, I don’t need you or anyone telling me I screwed up before with Jackie. I know, okay? I know every time I see her. And I can’t do anything to take it back. And when I try to change, and be a better guy, nobody believes me. But I think I _have_ changed. And I think Jackie does too, which means more to me than anything. So, if I have a shot, I’m gonna fight for it.

_He stands up a little taller. Hyde regards him, his hands clenched in fists. His shades mask his thoughts._

_Hyde grabs Kelso by the collar again and drags him behind as he marches to the basement door._

**KELSO** :

No, wait – I didn’t mean that kind of fight!

(to Fez)

Fez, come on, man! I NEED A WITNESS!

_Hyde throws the door open, and they exit. Fez runs after them._

CUT TO:

**INT. THE HUB – DAY**

_A short time later. Business is slow at the Hub. Jackie sits alone at a small round table near the center of the Hub. An empty food basket is on the table. Jackie gathers her purse and stands to leave._

_Hyde enters just as Jackie reaches the door. They each take a step back from the other._

**HYDE** :

(beat)

Hey.

_He gives her a chance to reply; she just regards him coolly._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

Um... I’m just dropping off...

_He glances behind him; no one’s there. Scowling, he throws open the door to the Hub and sticks his head outside._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

(shouting)

Will you get in here, you big baby!

_Kelso skitters to the door, Fez right behind him. They stay as far back from Hyde as they can while still making their way inside._

**KELSO** :

(to Hyde)

You are a scary, _scary_ man, Hyde!

_Hyde cuts him off with a look. He jerks his head in Jackie’s direction and motions for Kelso to go to her. Jackie looks back and forth between them._

**JACKIE** :

Michael, what’s going on?

_With one last nervous look to Hyde, Kelso takes Jackie by the hand and leads her back to the middle of the Hub. Fez hangs back by Hyde._

**KELSO** :

Okay, Jackie – look, I know our second first date didn’t end so great. And I know we’ve got some bad history, and I’ll understand if you don’t want to go back to that. But I just – there’s something I need to tell you: from the first minute that I saw you, I knew that I wanted to fool around with you.

_Jackie’s face scrunches up. She looks over at Hyde, who shakes his head and shrugs._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

And then, after we did that, and I still wanted to talk to you, I knew that I never wanted to be without you. And I feel like we’ve got another chance to make that happen now, and I want to take it, but it’s up to you. So... will you please take me back?

_Jackie studies Kelso’s face. She looks back to Hyde, who gives another, smaller shrug. “Love is the Answer” by Utopia comes on the jukebox._

**JACKIE** :

(beat)

Yeah. Yeah, Michael, I will.

_She smiles, and Kelso smiles back. They both open their arms wide and embrace, Kelso lifting Jackie off her feet._

_Over Kelso’s shoulder, Jackie looks up at Hyde. He gives her the smallest of smiles. Eyes watering, she smiles back before pulling her head back to kiss Kelso._

_Hyde looks away, and he sees Fez struggling to hold in tears._

**HYDE** :

Oh, God, what are you crying about?

**FEZ** :

(sniffs)

You know what, you magnificent, selfless bastard!

_He throws his arms around Hyde. Hyde tries to fight his way free from the hug, but Fez just keeps holding on as Jackie and Kelso continue to kiss._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT**

_Much later in the day. Hyde sits in his chair, sunglasses off. He has a pack of cards in hand; one by one, he tosses them on the coffee table._

_Eric comes down the stairs, crosses to the lawn chair. He looks over at Hyde and grins._

**ERIC** :

Hey. So, I hear Jackie and Kelso got back together. And I hear they didn’t do it alone, nuh-uh. I hear they had help from a curly-haired cupid. An angry, violent, curly-haired cupid who may have just broken his own heart and Kelso’s humerus.

_He laughs silently. Hyde doesn’t look up, just keeps tossing cards._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Man... could you just tell me what you were thinking when you -

**HYDE** :

Where’s Donna?

**ERIC** :

(beat)

She said she had to study.

**HYDE:**

Huh. So, everything’s cool?

**ERIC** :

(beat)

Okay, look. I don’t know what everyone thinks is going on, but Donna and I are not only fine, we’re great. Everything’s finally settled, so...

(beat)

We’re happier than ever.

**HYDE:**

Well, one of you is.

**ERIC** :

What is that supposed to mean?

_Hyde lets out a long sigh. He sets what’s left of the deck down on the table and looks straight at Eric._

**HYDE** :

Look, Forman. I get what you’re trying to do. You know, you’re trying to lock her up. Seal the deal. And I’ll I’m saying is... maybe Donna’s not that kind of girl.

_Eric’s face hardens. He stands and points at Hyde._

**ERIC** :

Okay, you don’t know as much as you think, Hyde. So you need to just shut up.

_He runs back up the stairs. Hyde glances after him, then leans back and puts his feet up on the coffee table._

CUT TO:

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - NIGHT**

_Immediately following. Donna sits on the hood of the Vista Cruiser. She has her promise ring in her hands; she fiddles nervously with it._

_Eric steps out from the kitchen, still seething. He brightens up when he sees Donna, crosses to sit on her right._

**ERIC** :

Hey. What are you doing out here?

**DONNA** :

Um... I wanted to talk to you.

_She looks up at a still-smiling Eric._

**DONNA (cont’d)** :

Oh, this is gonna be hard.

(beat)

Um... Eric, I love you. A lot. But I have to give you your ring back.

**ERIC** :

What? Why?

_Donna looks up, as if searching for the words. She turns to face him head-on._

**DONNA** :

Okay. How do you see the next twenty years?

**ERIC** :

I don’t know. I guess I always figured that we’d go to college together and come home -

**DONNA:**

Yeah, but Eric, you know that’s not what I want. I mean, I’ve told you that. And who knows? I may want to go to school back east, or maybe in Paris.

**ERIC** :

Okay, well, you know what, Donna? Whatever, okay? The important thing is that when you see yourself in Paris, or... wherever, I’m there, right?

(beat)

Right?

**DONNA** :

I don’t know... not always. I mean, it’s not like there’s anyone else, but sometimes I’m... by myself. I mean, all I’m saying is, I don’t know. Neither of us does. And this ring is just a stupid high school promise. If we’re meant to be together, then we’ll end up together.

**ERIC** :

No, the way we end up together is by saying we’ll be together, and then – being together.

**DONNA** :

Eric, come on! We’re together now! Isn’t that enough?

**ERIC** :

No!

_He gets off the car and begins to pace._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

I mean, damn, Donna! If you can see a future for yourself without me, and that doesn’t, like, break your heart, then - we’re not doing what I thought we were doing here! And you know what? Maybe we shouldn’t be together at all.

**DONNA** :

Wait a minute...

_She stands too._

**DONNA (cont’d)** :

Are you breaking up with me?

**ERIC:**

Well... are you giving back that ring?

_Donna tries to choke down her tears; she can’t._

**DONNA** :

Yes.

**ERIC** : 

Then... yes.

_Donna tries to say something, but the words won’t come. With one last look at Eric, she leaves the promise ring on the hood of the Vista Cruiser and runs down the street, crying._

_Eric picks up the promise ring in his right hand (MUSIC NOTE: “Thirteen” by Big Star). Slowly, he climbs back onto the hood of the Vista Cruiser and lies back. Looking up at the night sky, he slams his right hand down in a fist. Tears come to his eyes as we slowly crane up._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**CREDITS**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT**

_Another night. Eric and Hyde sit on the couch. Hyde’s shades are back, but both boys look forlorn. The radio plays in the background._

**DJ (aud. only)** :

_Well, it’s a beautiful night out tonight in the greater Oshkosh area, and I hope all the lovers out there are making the most of it. But for those poor fellas without a lucky lady, you don’t have to spend the night alone and inside. We have just the place for you to go to..._

_“Heartbreak Hotel” by Elvis Presley begins to play._

**ELVIS (aud. only)** :

_Well, since my baby left me_

_Well, I found a new place to dwell_

_Well, its down at the end of the lonely street_

_At Heartbreak Hotel_

_Where I’ll be – where I get so lonely, baby_

_I get so lonely_

_I get so lonely, I could die..._

**HYDE** :

You know, I’m really starting to hate this station.

_Eric rolls his eyes and throws his head back._

**END.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so - before you get mad...XD
> 
> 1\. This re-write runs through the beginning Season 5 - we've got a long ways to go.
> 
> 2\. Remember that a major goal of this was to keep the Jackie/Hyde tension going through this period of the show in proportion to everything already there. It's been tough to do that without sacrificing Kelso's character development, which is there at this point in the series - he does try to change and be faithful to Jackie. But I think I've found some fun ways to work with that in Season 4 that you'll all enjoy.
> 
> And, quick housekeeping note - now that AO3's caught up to my Tumblr and FF.Net account, updates will now come on the same day as those places, once a week until the fic is done and/or circumstances force a delay.


	11. J/H 4-01: It's A Wonderful Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And being synced up with the other accounts, in this case, means an update one day later!
> 
> Well, Eric broke up with Donna, just as in the show, and Hyde went and got Jackie and Kelso back together...what does that mean for Season 4?
> 
> (We're doing things a little differently this time. Because "It's A Wonderful Life" has only one storyline, and because all my changes happen in the middle of the episode, I didn't write out the entire thing. You can imagine this version of 4-01 beginning just the same as it does in the show, with Eric in bed, through meeting the angel, cancelling out the kiss, and the first look at life without Eric and Donna's relationship in the basement. Imagine, then, that after the angel tells Eric "I'm gonna show you a lot of neat stuff like this," the scene cuts, and we move on to:)

**INT. HUB - DAY**

_A sunny and busy afternoon. ERIC and the ANGEL stand in front of the pinball machine. Right in front of them, ALTERNATE ERIC, clad in letter sweater, plays chess with a NERD, while THREE DORKS stand around them, watching._

**ERIC:**

This can’t be that bad. I’m wearing a letter sweater.

**ANGEL** :

Chess club. Loser.

_Alt. Eric considers the board, then makes his move with a smug grin._

**ALT. ERIC:**

Ah, checkmate.

_The nerd and the dorks walk away, defeated, as Eric and the angel share a look._

_ALTERNATE FEZ enters, in full marching band uniform, with a trumpet in hand. He crosses to Alt. Eric._

**ALT. FEZ** :

Hey, I made the marching band. Oh, at last I will be accepted by the cool kids and not get beat up.

_Alt. Eric nods encouragingly. Unfortunately, a JOCK and a HUNK appear, grab Fez by the arms, and haul him back to the door._

**ALT. FEZ (cont’d)** :

Ai, no! Not again, guys!

_A SECOND JOCK holds the door open, and they all disappear with poor Fez._

_The bathroom door swings open, and out step ALTERNATE HYDE and ALTERNATE DONNA, Alt. Hyde’s arm around Alt. Donna’s shoulders. Alt. Hyde has lost his sunglasses and wears a ratty jeans’ vest over his T-shirt. Alt. Donna wears a leather jacket. She has her shirt pulled up, showing a tattoo across her stomach - “Question Authority.”_

_Alt. Eric glances up at them briefly before bowing his head over the chess board. His head snaps to the door when ALTERNATE KELSO bursts in and makes a beeline for Eric’s table._

**ALT. KELSO** :

Is your sister home?

**ALT. ERIC** :

Well, yes, but -

**ALT. KELSO** :

Great.

_He throws himself across the room over to Alt. Hyde and Alt. Donna._

**ALT. KELSO** :

(to Alt. Donna)

I need you to keep Jackie busy for, like, a half-hour. She’s out back and I need to get over to Laurie.

**ALT. DONNA** :

Again? Kelso, I am not a babysitter for your midget brat girlfriend.

_Alt. Hyde jostles her, gives her a peck on the cheek before clapping Alt. Kelso on the shoulder with his free hand._

**ALT. HYDE** :

Don’t worry, man. I’ve got you covered. We need wheels for the drive-in tonight, so we’ll have Jackie drive us there.

**ALT. KELSO:**

Great.

**ALT. HYDE:**

Then we’ll swipe the keys and ditch her.

_All three of them laugh._

**ALT. KELSO** :

All right!

(to Hyde)

You know, you’ve gotten _so_ much cooler since you dropped out of school!

_Grinning ear to ear, he runs out of the Hub, and Alt. Hyde and Alt. Donna begin making out while Alt. Eric steals glances._

_Eric steps toward the smooching couple for a better look._

**ERIC** :

No, wait. That’s – this is all wrong. Donna wouldn’t get a tattoo, she and Hyde wouldn’t help Kelso cheat on Jackie, and... well, Hyde might drop out, but I’m pretty sure that’s where Red’s “foot in ass” theories on parenting would go into practice.

**ANGEL** :

It’s not Red’s problem.

**ERIC** :

What do you mean?

**ANGEL** :

Look at you.

_He indicates Alt. Eric and Alt. Hyde – or rather, the space between them._

**ANGEL (cont’d)** :

Between Donna going with Hyde and you turning into – that...

_He gestures dismissively at Alt. Eric, who’s now fingering the chess pieces._

**ANGEL (cont’d):**

You and Hyde started to drift apart.

**ERIC** :

Wait... you’re saying Hyde and I aren’t friends?

**ANGEL** :

Not good enough friends that you’d take him in when his mom left. That’s why Hyde dropped out. And without your parents’ influence, he went wild, and it rubbed off on Donna.

_As if to illustrate, Alt. Hyde’s hand drifts down to Alt. Donna’s butt. They make out across the room until they’re bent over the pinball machine. Not once do they notice Alt. Eric._

**ANGEL (cont’d)** :

And once they went wild, they didn’t care what Kelso did, and never developed the soft spot for Jackie that led Donna to be her friend and Hyde to look out for her.

_Alt. Donna moans with delight and kicks out. Her sandal flies off her foot and beans Alt. Eric in the head, knocking him from his chair and sending the chess set flying._

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT**

_Eric sits on the deep freeze with the angel standing nearby. Alt. Eric, watches TV on the couch. On the other end of the couch is ALTERNATE JACKIE, wearing her street clothes from 1-21 (“Prom Night.”) She lets out a long, loud sigh. Alt. Eric slowly turns to look at her._

**ALT. ERIC** :

You don’t like _Soul Train_?

**ALT. JACKIE** :

It’s just... that powder blue suit on Don Cornelius reminded me of the prom.

**ALT. ERIC** :

Oh, right. That thing no one asked us to.

_His voice trails off as he turns back to the TV. Eric leans back in disgust._

**ERIC** :

I sat out the prom with _Jackie_? Oh, let me guess – Hyde had a magical freakin’ night there before having sex with Donna in the motel room I was supposed to get.

**ANGEL:**

No. Hyde didn’t go the prom. He’s at home right now too.

_Eric sits up straighter, smiles._

**ERIC** :

Oh.

_The angel turns to him and grins._

**ANGEL** :

Having sex with Donna.

_Eric throws his hands up._

**ERIC** :

OH!

_The basement phone rings. Alt. Eric gingerly picks it up._

**ALT. ERIC** :

Hello? Donna? ...Uh-huh... uh-huh... but are you sure... oh. Okay. Great! Thank you. See you soon.

_He hangs up. With a nervous glance over at Alt. Jackie, he stands and stretches._

**ALT. ERIC (cont’d)** :

So... that was Donna. There’s a party over at Hyde’s for after prom.

_Alt. Jackie looks up, eyes shining, and hops to her feet._

**ALT. JACKIE** :

Great! Then what are we waiting for? Will Michael be there?

**ALT. ERIC** :

Well, yes... but you can’t be. You’re not invited.

**ALT. JACKIE** :

(beat)

And you’re still going? You’re leaving me here alone?

_She’s either about to cry or about to kill him. Alt. Eric looks all over the basement in a futile search for the right answer. Finally, he holds up a hand._

**ALT. ERIC:**

Or – you know what we _could_ do...

CUT TO:

**INT. HYDE’S HOUSE – NIGHT**

_If the Hyde residence looked dirty when his mother was still at home, it’s an absolute wreck now. Alt. Jackie stands outside, looking in through the window with a furious expression. Alt. Eric, inside looking out, gives her an apologetic shrug and moves into the party._

_It isn’t all that wild an affair; a couple of couples dancing and some unsavory-looking characters roaming around the halls. Alt. Hyde and Alt. Donna sway together in the middle of the room, holding each other tight. Eric and the angel stand behind Alt. Donna, who has a fresh tattoo on her right bicep._

**ANGEL** :

Hmm... another tattoo...

(reading)

“Property of Hyde.” Classy.

_Eric rolls his eyes as Alt. Eric tries to pass by the couple. They bump into him as they dance. Alt. Donna looks up first; it’s clear that she and Alt. Hyde are both drunk._

**ALT. DONNA** :

(slurred)

Eric! You made it. It’s so good to see you.

**ALT. ERIC** :

You too. I’m surprised you were able to call – _did_ call. And Hyde, man – it’s really good to see you again -

**ALT. HYDE** :

(slurred)

Yeah, yeah, that’s great, Forman. Keg’s in the kitchen.

_He claps Alt. Eric on the back and shoves him toward the kitchen door. Alt. Eric bumps into Alt. Fez, clad in Elton John glasses and acid-wash jeans. He has a record in his hands. Alt. Eric straightens up and looks down at the record._

**ALT. ERIC:**

Hey, Fez. Whatcha got there?

**ALT. FEZ** :

The new Leo Sayer album.

_From nowhere, the jocks and hunk from earlier swoop down on them. A jock punches Alt. Fez in the jaw, the other jock catches him and drags him into the kitchen, and the hunk does the same with Alt. Eric._

_The angel gives Eric a light elbow to the ribs, but Eric just scoffs and looks around the room. Alt. Hyde and Alt. Donna are back to dancing, but another couple catches Eric’s eye – Alt. Kelso and PAM MACY, making out on the arm of the couch._

**ALT. KELSO** :

I wrote you a love poem, Pam. It goes like this:

“I love your rack

I’d love to shack

Up with you

And do it too.”

**PAM** :

Oh, Michael... that is so deep.

**ALT. KELSO** :

Yeah. I kicked that poem’s ass!

_He leans in for more kissing, and the two of them fall down across the couch. Eric instinctively inches away from them._

**ERIC** :

Kelso and Pam Macy... because Kelso and Jackie never got back together on prom night.

**ANGEL** :

You see the domino effect? You never kiss Donna, Hyde doesn’t take Jackie to prom, she never makes up with Kelso. Now she’s out in the cold, and you and Fez are having your underwear stretched over your heads.

**ERIC** :

I know. It’s like my relationship with Donna touched everyone’s lives for the better. And I was just gonna throw that a –

_He blows a long raspberry in the angel’s face. The angel winces, wipes away the spittle._

**ANGEL** :

Okay. You’re unpleasant.

**ERIC** :

Just give it up. I don’t care. This still isn’t as bad as having Donna and losing her.

**ANGEL** :

Oh, no? Well, it gets a lot worse. Come on, we’re going into the future. That’s right – the ‘80s!

_Heard only by the angel and a stunned Eric, “Safety Dance” by Men Without Hats begins to play._

**MEN WITHOUT HATS (aud. only)** :

_We can dance if we want to_

_We can leave your friends behind_

_‘Cause your friends don’t dance_

_And if they don’t dance_

_Well, they’re -_

_The music cuts out, and Eric looks to the angel._

**ERIC** :

Man, what the hell was that?

**ANGEL** :

Oh, you’ll find out.

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY**

_The 1980s. They’ve had no impact on the Forman’s decorating sense, but some impact on Alt. Eric: he actually has sideburns now. He wears the same Price Mart manager’s suit his father used to wear as he eats a bowl of cereal at the kitchen island._

_Behind him stand Eric and the angel. They watch as ALTERNATE KITTY, her hair now worn down and a brighter blonde, enters from the living room. She looks less than thrilled to see her son eating at the island._

**ANGEL:**

Welcome to 1983, Eric.

**ERIC:**

Wait... I still work at Price Mart? I still live here?

_The angel nods. Eric moans, sits down at the kitchen table._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Good God, I wish I could just wake up.

**ANGEL** :

Oh, you may never wake up. This could be a coma dream.

_Eric drops his head onto the table._

_Alt. Eric smiles up at Alt. Kitty. She attempts to smile back and goes immediately for a wine glass in the cupboard._

**ALT. KITTY** :

Eric, honey, college registrations are going to be done soon. Have you thought at all about finally applying and enrolling - and moving away - to UW, or Chicago, or... or Africa?

_Eric’s head snaps up._

**ERIC** :

I haven’t even gone to college?

_The angel throws his head back and laughs._

_Alt. Eric stands, moves around the island to Alt. Kitty._

**ALT. ERIC** :

No, but I have thought about putting in for another promotion at Price Mart so I can stay at home with my mother, who I just couldn’t stand to be away from.

_He stands, hugs Alt. Kitty._

**ALT. KITTY** :

Oh, God.

_The kitchen door swings open, and in come ALTERNATE RED and Alt. Jackie. Alt. Red looks the same as always; Alt. Jackie has gained a giant ‘80s hairdo and a hell of a lot of mascara._

**ALT. RED** :

(to Alt. Eric)

Are you still here? For God’s sake, Eric! I told you to go pick up the Toyota from the shop over an hour ago!

**ALT. JACKIE** :

And what about my dry cleaning? I need my green dress for the Price Mart ball. And you’d better remember those dance classes, or so help me, my foot is going right up your ass!

_Alt. Red nods approvingly. Alt. Eric bows his head, cowed. Our Eric leaps to his feet and grabs the angel by the shoulders._

**ERIC** :

No! Oh, dear sweet Jesus, please tell me, no! I cannot be married to _Jackie Burkhart_!

_The angel shrugs himself free._

**ANGEL** :

Relax, you’re not married. Neither of you are. You never found anyone. But Jackie needed someone to yell at and you’re always around, so she’s always over. It’s a little like marriage, but... you know, without any love or sex.

**ERIC** :

(beat)

You know, that actually makes it better.

_Alt. Eric passes meekly by them, and they follow him out to:_

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - DAY**

_The hedges may be a bit thicker, but otherwise, 1983’s passed the driveway by. The Vista Cruiser still sits in the garage. Alt. Eric pulls its keys from his jacket pocket as a motorcycle pulls into the driveway._

_On it is Alt. Hyde and Alt. Donna. Alt. Hyde has gone full-on biker: a giant beard, leather jacket, chaps, and bandana. Alt. Donna has dreadlocks in her hair, a loose white dress, and a pregnant belly, along with several more tattoos. Her arms are wrapped tight around Alt. Hyde’s chest. He puts his left hand over hers, displaying their matching wedding bands._

**ALT. DONNA** :

Eric?

**ALT. ERIC** :

Donna? Is that you? And – and Hyde? Where have you two been? It’s been forever.

**ALT. HYDE** :

Layin’ low ‘til the heat was off that jewelry store bust.

**ALT. DONNA** :

Well, we were just down at the courthouse, but not for that.

_Beaming, she wiggles her ring finger._

**ALT. HYDE** :

Congratulate us, Forman – we just tied the knot.

**ALT. ERIC** :

(beat)

Oh... well, that is just – super!

_He puts on his best fake grin. Eric and the angel share a pitying look._

_Alt. Jackie stomps out from the kitchen and slaps Alt. Eric on the arm._

**ALT. JACKIE** :

Eric! You can give money to hobos later! Now go, dry cleaning, now!

_Alt. Donna and Alt. Hyde laugh._

**ALT. HYDE** :

Oh, Forman, don’t tell me you’re still under the Man’s bitchiest boot heel.

_He and Alt. Donna laugh again as Alt. Jackie glowers._

_Alt. Kelso sneaks around from the back of the house. He has perfectly coiffed hair and a slick gray suit. His eyes are fixed on the kitchen door; he doesn’t notice the others, but they see him._

**ALT. ERIC** :

Kelso?

_He spins around, sees the gang._

**ALT. ERIC (cont’d)** :

What are you doing here?

_Alt. Kelso stands up straight, flashes a huge grin._

**ALT. KELSO** :

(anchor voice)

This just in: your sister’s in town, and I never miss a home visit by Laurie Forman!

(sees Jackie, drops voice)

Oh. Hello, Jackie.

**ALT. JACKIE** :

Hello, moron.

_Alt. Kelso recoils, scoffs._

**ALT. KELSO** :

Well, for your information, this _moron_ is the number one anchorman of Cedar Rapids, whereas last I heard, you got thrown out of UW for making the cheerleading coach cry and had to settle for a job as a stewardess!

_They stare each other down as the last member of this sad group appears: Alt. Fez slowly walks up the driveway. He’s got quite the look going on: Mike Score’s haircut, bright red pants, black leather vest and boots, an electronic keyboard tucked under his arm, and egg yolks everywhere._

**ALT. FEZ** :

I was hired to play the national anthem at the high school football game.

(beat)

I don’t think they liked it.

_The six of them all look around, swaying on their feet. The angel turns to Eric, who does his best to look unaffected._

**ALT. ERIC** :

Boy, I sure am glad this isn’t uncomfortable.

_Alt. Hyde reaches into his vest and pulls out a brown paper bag._

**ALT. HYDE** :

I think I know how to take care of that.

_Everyone realizes what he has in the bag; they all smile and nod._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY**

_THE CIRCLE. Alt. Eric hacks and sputters, while Alt. Jackie looks on disapprovingly next to him._

**ALT. ERIC** :

(between coughs)

You were right, Hyde. This – this is so much more comfortable...

_Pan to Alt. Kelso._

**ALT. KELSO** :

(anchor voice)

We have breaking news: I’m toasted.

(drops voice)

Man, they pay me gobs of money to talk like that.

_Pan to Alt. Hyde, his arm around Alt. Donna._

**ALT. HYDE** :

(to Alt. Fez)

Fez, do something with your hair, man. It’s making me paranoid.

_Pan to Alt. Fez._

**ALT. FEZ** :

Guys, I have discovered a band that will change music forever.

_He starts up his electric keyboard and begins to sing._

**ALT. FEZ (cont’d)** :

_And I ran_

_I ran so far away_

_I just ran_

_I ran all night and day..._

_Pan to the angel. He takes a big inhale and cracks up._

**ANGEL** :

You know, there are some things about Earth I really miss!

CUT TO:

**INT. EVENT CENTER - NIGHT**

_A generic white room for renting out, a few round seating tables and a buffet line set up. A large green sign welcomes the class of 1978._

_Eric and the angel enter through the veranda doors._

**ANGEL:**

Okay, welcome to your ten-year high school reunion.

_They survey the party. It isn’t much of one; a few scattered attendees and Alt. Fez as the entertainment, dancing to prerecorded music in yet another disastrous ‘80s outfit of pinstriped white suit and aqua T-shirt._

_Alt. Eric, in a conservative suit, approaches the buffet table. A brown smear covers his upper lip._

**ERIC:**

All right! I finally grew a moustache!

**ANGEL** :

Actually, it’s chocolate cake.

_Just to prove it, Alt. Eric wipes it away with a napkin._

_Alt. Kelso enters from the hall, beer in hand. His hair is still coiffed, but he’s gained a large beer gut. Pam Macy, with the frizziest of ‘80s hair and a pregnant belly, is with him._

**ERIC** :

What happened to Kelso?

**ANGEL** :

Oh, he got fired. Yeah, he thought the news would be funnier drunk. Now he works for you, selling waterbeds.

**ERIC:**

(laughs)

What a loser.

(beat)

Wait, I sell waterbeds?

**ANGEL** :

That’s right.

_Alt. Kelso and Pam make their way to the buffet table. Alt. Eric sees them, frowns._

**ALT. ERIC** :

Kelso, what are you doing here? You’re supposed to lock up the store tonight.

**ALT. KELSO** :

But it’s our reunion, man! I’ll lock it up tomorrow, I promise. Unless your sister’s flight gets canceled, then I’m sneaking over.

_Alt. Eric throws his hands up and Pam swats Alt. Kelso on the arm._

_Alt. Jackie, who has been walking the floor throughout the scene, comes up behind Alt. Kelso. She wears a gray business suit with long skirt, straight hair pulled into a tight bun, tortoiseshell glasses, a clipboard and pencil in one hand and a whistle around her neck._

_She raises the whistle and blows. Alt. Kelso, Alt. Eric, and Pam all jump._

**ALT. KELSO (cont’d)** :

Damn, Jackie! That’s even more annoying than your voice!

_Alt. Jackie glares at him and starts furiously scribbling on her clipboard._

**ALT. JACKIE** :

“Bringing alcohol to a school-sponsored function...”

**ALT. KELSO** :

What? But Jackie -

**ALT. JACKIE** :

“Not addressing the vice principal as ‘Miss Burkhart...’” “Neglecting the orders of your supervisor...”

**ALT. ERIC** :

Thank you, Jackie, but -

**ALT. JACKIE** :

Shut up, Eric!

(looks Pam over)

“Bringing your skank...”

_Pam gives an offended gasp, and Alt. Kelso puffs out what passes for his chest._

**ALT. KELSO** :

She is my _wife_! And we’re not actually in school, _Miss Burkhart_ , so you’ve got no business telling us what’s -

**ALT. JACKIE** :

“Being an idiot...”

_She jabs the clipboard and looks up, a nasty smirk on her face._

**ALT. JACKIE (cont’d)** :

Know what that adds up to? YOU’RE OUT, MICHAEL!

_She blows her whistle and points to the hall. When Alt. Kelso and Pam don’t immediately move, she blows again and advances, chasing them out._

_Alt. Eric makes his way over to Alt. Fez’s stage. He’s busy singing “Everybody Have Fun Tonight” by Wang Chung._

**ALT. FEZ** :

_Rip it up_

_Move down_

_Rip it up_

_Move it down to the ground_

_Rip it up_

_Cool down_

_Rip it up_

_And get the body feeling right_

_As Alt. Eric watches, Alt. Donna enters from the hall and takes a spot on the floor behind him. She’s come a long way from her wedding; she now has a short haircut and a conservative dress, very much a housewife look._

**ALT. FEZ (cont’d):**

_Everybody have fun tonight_

_Everybody have fun_

_Everybody Wang Chung tonight_

_Everybody have fun_

_Everybody have fun!_

_The crowd, such as it is, applauds. Alt. Eric glances behind and sees Alt. Donna. He straightens himself up and moves to her._

**ALT. ERIC** :

Oh, hey, hi! Hey, Donna! It’s Eric Forman from, um, Point Place High School.

**ALT. DONNA** :

Yeah, Eric. I know. It’s our reunion.

**ALT. ERIC** :

Right, good one. So, uh, how’re you doing?

**ALT. DONNA** :

Um... pretty lousy, until I saw how fat Kelso got. Made the drive from Joliet worth it.

**ALT. ERIC** :

Oh, right, I heard you guys moved. How’s Hyde?

**ALT. DONNA** :

Hyde’s good. The kids are good.

(beat)

He’s gone a lot. Prison, whatever.

(beat)

So, Eric, uh, how... how are you?

**ALT. ERIC** :

I’m, uh, great. I’m the number three waterbed dealer in Wisconsin, so...

(beat)

Donna, you look great.

**ALT. DONNA** :

Oh, thanks.

(beat)

You know, don’t laugh, but...

(beat)

Actually, never mind.

**ALT. ERIC** :

No, no. What?

**ALT. DONNA** :

I had a crush on you in high school.

**ALT. ERIC** :

I had a crush on you too.

**ALT. DONNA** :

You know, I almost kissed you once.

**ALT. ERIC** :

What might have been, huh?

(beat)

So, are you still writing?

**ALT. DONNA** :

Oh, God. Well... I mean, permission slips. Three kids, you know?

**ALT. ERIC** :

Right. Well, you should start again. ‘Cause, you know, you were really good at it.

**ALT. DONNA** :

Ah, well, it’s too late for that. It’s too late for a lot of...

_She trails off. Alt. Eric can’t meet her eyes._

**ALT. DONNA (cont’d):**

Hey, so, I’ll see you, Eric.

**ALT. ERIC** :

Yeah, I’ll see you, Donna.

**ALT. DONNA:**

‘Kay.

**ALT. ERIC:**

Okay.

_She walks away. Alt. Eric bows his head._

_Eric and the angel slowly approach, the angel gesturing to the scene they just watched._

**ANGEL** :

Huh? Huh? Start the waterworks.

_He pulls a handkerchief from his suit and offers it to Eric, but Eric just shrugs._

**ERIC:**

Sorry.

**ANGEL:**

Come on. You’ve gotta feel something.

**ERIC** :

Yeah, envy. He never had to feel the pain of losing her.

_Alt. Eric’s head snaps up. He crosses to them._

**ALT. ERIC:**

Oh, wait a minute. You actually had a relationship with Donna?

**ERIC:**

(to angel)

Wait, I thought you said he couldn’t hear me.

**ANGEL:**

I’m loose with the rules. So sue me.

**ALT. ERIC:**

No, seriously, you had Donna?

****

**ERIC:**

Look, we broke up. You’re much better off.

**ALT. ERIC:**

Says _you!_ Look at me – I’m 28 years old! The closest thing I’ve had to sex is whenever Jackie goes to kick me in my shins and ends up catching me in the nads!

**ERIC:**

Idiot! You’re sad you were never with Donna? Well, you got off light, man! I had her and I lost her, and believe me, you don’t want to know how bad that hurts!

_He storms off. The angel turns to Alt. Eric._

**ALT. ERIC:**

So... you’re an angel, right?

**ANGEL:**

Why, yes. Yes I am.

**ALT. ANGEL:**

Could you, like... could you do anything to help me?

**ANGEL:**

Listen closely – no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And from here, the episode wraps up just as you know it, with the same credits scene of Fez singing.
> 
> Season 4 is going to have more of these partial scripts, not all operating on the same logic, but I'll explain more when we get to them. For now, enjoy a little bonus scene: 4-02, "Eric's Depression," is essentially the same in this timeline, but since Hyde is already living with the Formans again and he did get Jackie and Kelso back together, that warranted a minor tweak to the opening scene...
> 
> ***
> 
> SHOW TITLE
> 
> INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY
> 
> A sunny morning. RED, HYDE, and KITTY are all at the kitchen table, eating breakfast. The patio door slides open and KELSO and FEZ enter.
> 
> KELSO:  
> (to Hyde)  
> Ready to go?
> 
> HYDE:  
> Yep.
> 
> He stands. Kitty looks up from her food.
> 
> KITTY:  
> What are you boys up to?
> 
> KELSO:   
> (to Kitty)  
> We’re going to Funland. It’s super fun.
> 
> KITTY:   
> (laughs)   
> Oh, Red, remember how we used to take the kids there when they were little?
> 
> RED:   
> Remember how I used to get on the roller coaster with Eric, and then just before we took off, I’d jump out and wave goodbye? Boy, did he scream.
> 
> KITTY:   
> (to the boys)  
> Well, it sounds like fun.
> 
> KELSO:   
> Super fun. And we figured Eric could use some fun, you know, since he and Donna broke up.
> 
> Red and Kitty drop their silverware.
> 
> RED:   
> What?
> 
> KITTY:   
> Broke up?
> 
> HYDE:   
> Yeah, I heard Donna dumped his ass.
> 
> KELSO:   
> Nah, I heard Eric dumped Donna.
> 
> FEZ:   
> (smirking at Hyde)  
> That’s funny. I heard he got her back together with her old boyfriend.
> 
> KITTY:   
> Old boyfriend?
> 
> Fez opens his mouth, but Hyde frogs him hard on the arm. Kelso looks to both of them, confused, but they ignore him.
> 
> KITTY:   
> Well, Eric must be just a wreck.


	12. J/H 4-04: Hyde Goes Cruisin'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, time for a page-one rewrite!
> 
> Some of you could probably guess that this episode would be on the list for a rewrite project like this. And I actually think it's been changed enough that the original title doesn't fit anymore. So, instead of "Hyde Gets the Girl," you have "Hyde Goes Cruisin'." We assume that 4-03, "Pinciotti vs. Forman," remains the same.
> 
> A few scenes here adapt material, not only from scenes cut from other rewritten scripts, but also the characters from the old That '70s Show website. My understanding is that those were treated as semi-official, so I figured they were fair game.
> 
> (Also, housekeeping detail - between a thread on the T7S Fan Forum and a handy video source, I've been able to track down most of the original music used in Seasons 3 to 5, and I've gone back and updated the older scripts accordingly.)

**SHOW TITLE**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY**

_A slow afternoon. HYDE sits in his chair, ERIC sits on one end of the couch, and FEZ on the other. The boys are watching HOLLYWOOD SQUARES, though only Fez seems invested._

**FEZ** :

Elke Sommer to block. Elke Sommer to block.

(it doesn’t work)

Oh, you stupid son of a bitch!

**ERIC** :

(sighs)

Donna loved _Hollywood Squares_.

**HYDE** :

Ah, Forman. Come on, man. Give it a rest, huh? So you’re single now. That’s a good thing! Now you’re like me, man. You’re free to be with lots of subpar, somewhat sleazy chicks. It’s Christmas, baby!

**FEZ** :

Oh, you disguise your heart, Hyde, but I know you need love.

**HYDE** :

Why’s that?

**FEZ** :

(beat)

‘Cause I need it.

**ERIC** :

(to Hyde)

No, he’s right, man. I mean, Donna and I might have broken up, but you liked Jackie and you never even had her. You’re telling me that doesn’t hurt?

**HYDE** :

Come on, Forman. You didn’t think that was serious, did you? I was just settin’ up for the biggest burn ever on Kelso.

**ERIC** :

You got them back together.

**HYDE** :

(shrugs)

Know when to fold ‘em, man.

(stands)

Now, hey – this Friday night, you’re coming out cruisin’ for chicks with me in the El Camino. Of course, if we meet anyone hot, I’m taking her, but I’m sure we can find you a girl just this side of gross.

_He claps Eric on the shoulder and exits through the basement door._

**ERIC:**

(to Fez)

No. I don’t care what he says. That unholy little demon crush Hyde had on Jackie, that was real, and it hurts him that she’s back with Kelso. And just once, I wish we could catch him with his guard down about it, so we could make fun of him. We’d be all, “hey, Hyde...”

_He gestures wildly, looking for the right insult._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

“You really liked a girl and you blew it! Yeah, burn! Welcome to Hell!”

(beat)

Oh, God, I’m in Hell!

_He throws his head back and moans as Fez turns back to the TV._

**MAIN CREDITS**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY**

_Early afternoon. Friday has come. KITTY sits at the kitchen table, going through one of many catalogues she has out. They all concern interior design._

_RED enters from the living room, sees Kitty reading._

**RED** :

What’s all this?

**KITTY** :

Hmm? Oh, well, I’ve been taking so much work for the church home with me, I’m thinking of turning one of the empty rooms we have into a workspace.

**RED** :

(beat)

When you say “empty rooms,” are you counting my garage?

**KITTY:**

No.

**RED:**

Sounds great. I’ll find you a good, cheap contractor.

**KITTY** :

Oh, no, no, no, no. This is something I want to handle myself.

**RED** :

This is gonna be expensive, isn’t it?

**KITTY** :

Maybe.

**RED** :

Don’t you like anything cheap?

**KITTY** :

I like you.

_She smiles up at him. Red rolls his eyes and heads to the fridge for a beer._

_Eric enters from the basement and heads for the patio door._

**ERIC** :

Hey. Hyde and I are going tonight.

**KITTY** :

Oh, good. I asked Jackie over for some decorating help, so it’ll be nice for Steven to have something to do on a Friday night without his girlfriend.

**ERIC** :

Mom, we keep telling you, Jackie is not...

_He recognizes the opening for a burn, and he takes it._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

... Ever going to pass up a chance to share her knowledge of interior design, and if that means giving up a date night – well then, that’s just a sacrifice Hyde will have to make.

_Kitty chuckles and smiles at him. He grins back and heads out the patio door._

CUT TO:

**EXT. HUB PARKING LOT – DAY**

_Most of the lot is taken up by a promotional booth and table for WFPP, and a white-and-green Volkswagen Samba. MAX stands by the table with a clipboard in hand. DONNA and her co-worker MELISSA man the booth, its speakers blaring out rock music._

_KELSO and BOB circle admiringly around the Samba as a few other interested parties place hands on it._

**KELSO** :

Oh, man!

(to Bob)

Oh, I hope I win this van! I really need a place to do it with Jackie.

_He grins and turns back to the Samba, oblivious to Bob’s discomfort._

_At the booth, Melissa nudges Donna with her elbow._

**MELISSA** :

Check out that idiot’s ‘fro.

_She points to Bob and chuckles._

**DONNA** :

That’s my dad.

**MELISSA:**

Oh! Uh...

**DONNA** :

No... okay, yeah, you’re right.

_They laugh as Max crosses over to the crowd around the van._

**MAX** :

Okay, listen up, everybody. Welcome to the WFPP Hand 2 Van giveaway. The rules are simple: you place one hand on the van. If you remove your hand for any reason, you’re out. Last person to remove his hand wins the van.

_Those interested, including Bob and Kelso, place a hand on the Samba._

**MAX (cont’d)** :

Any questions?

_One DUPE raises his hand – the hand he had on the van._

**MAX (cont’d)** :

You’re out.

_The dupe slinks away._

**MAX (cont’d)** :

Any other questions?

_A disreputable-looking character with a bad moustache approaches – DANIEL._

**DANIEL** :

Don’t start without me, Max.

**MAX** :

Oh, God.

_Slowly, confidently, Daniel makes his way around the van until he stands across from Kelso and Bob._

**DANIEL** :

Hello. My name is Daniel, and I have won every WFPP contest since the Weber Gas Grill Trampoline Bounce of 1972. I am unbeatable. So, the choice is yours: joy or despair... pleasure or pain...

_He slips a glove onto his right hand and holds it up._

**DANIEL (cont’d)** :

Life or death.

_He slaps his hand down on the Samba._

**DANIEL (cont’d)** :

I am Daniel! And I cannot be beaten.

_He is determined, Bob is unnerved, and Kelso is giddy and slightly impressed._

**BUMPER**

**EXT. ROAD – EVENING**

_The El Camino is parked on the street in-between the Forman and Pinciotti homes. Hyde is at the wheel, Eric sits in the passenger’s seat, and Fez is wedged into the space in between._

**HYDE** :

Alright, boys, let’s hit the road.

_He starts up the car._

**FEZ** :

Hyde, when we cruise a girl, how long do we have to talk to them before they will french us?

**HYDE** :

That depends on what kind of girl you’re cruising for. Which is why I suggest you aim low. Real low.

**ERIC** :

Well, I’m already at the bottom of a black pit of despair, so I think I’m about as low as I can get.

**HYDE** :

(to Eric)

Hey, none of that mopey crap, all right?

(to Fez)

And you, don’t come on all needy. You gotta be aloof.

**FEZ** :

(beat)

Did you just call me a loof? Because if so, I will have to kick you in your nads.

**HYDE** :

No, man – aloof. Distant. Zen.

**FEZ** :

(beat)

Well, that’s not what “loof” means in my language.

**HYDE** :

Look, I don’t care what you think it means, that’s what it means here. Now, come on – let’s ride.

_He shifts out of park, Fez turns on the radio, and off they go._

CUT TO:

_MONTAGE, moving from evening to night. Set to “We Gotta Get You A Woman” by Todd Rundgren. Beginning on a side shot of the El Camino pulling up to a light. Hyde, Eric and Fez look out the passenger window, grinning and nodding at what they see. And what they see is, in succession:_

_A) A SHORT-HAIRED BLONDE with pouty lips._

**BLONDE** :

I’m on my way to Bible study. You in?

_B) AN OLDER WOMAN._

**OLDER WOMAN** :

You with the curly hair – I think I used to date your dad. Isn’t that a turn-on?

_C) A LONG-HAIRED PRISSY GIRL._

**PRISSY** :

I don’t know... I usually only date guys who aren’t as good-looking as me. Otherwise, I’d never date.

_D) AN INTENSE GIRL._

**INTENSE GIRL** :

My boyfriend’s in jail, so I guess I could fool around.

(beat)

Wait... I think he just busted out...

_E) A BIG-TOOTHED REDHEAD._

**REDHEAD** :

You know, I’m workin’ the pedals here with just one real leg. Wanna guess which one it is?

_F) A MOUSY BRUNETTE, too paralyzed with fear to say anything. She giggles nervously and speeds off._

_END MONTAGE. It’s now dark outside. The El Camino idles in a parking space. Hyde is chill, but Eric and Fez both look disturbed._

**ERIC** : 

Well, that was all... deeply unsettling.

**FEZ** :

(to Hyde)

How many women who do not cause nightmares do you get in this way?

**HYDE** :

I’d say it averages out to nine chicks a month. Subtract the six who turn out psycho, the two who get too attached, and the one that ditches ya.

**ERIC** :

(beat)

That comes to zero women.

**HYDE** :

(shrugs)

Hey, I’ve still got the El Camino.

_He pats the dashboard as he brings his car into park._

**ERIC** :

I don’t know, Hyde. Does a car and nine no-gos a month really fill the void left by a certain tiny cheerleader? One shrill of voice and intolerable for the sane among us, but with a certain naïve charm that some curly-haired rebels just can’t resist?

**HYDE** :

Does a Vista Cruiser and a bitchy attitude make up for running off the hottest redhead in Wisconsin?

_He exits the car, leaving Eric to consider that. Fez leans forward to look out the still-open driver’s door and call after Hyde:_

**FEZ** :

This is not over, Johnny Cool!

(to Eric)

Boy, what a loof.

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – NIGHT**

_Kitty and her catalogues have moved over to the stovetop. She stands over it with JACKIE at her side. Red sits at the kitchen table, eating a sandwich._

**KITTY** :

Thank you for helping me figure out what to do with my new workspace, Jackie. I’m sure you’d rather be out with your boyfriend on a Friday night, but -

**JACKIE** :

Oh, please. I _needed_ a reason to get away tonight. I couldn’t take another second of hearing how we’ll be “hittin’ the road with his new wheels.”

**KITTY** :

(shakes head)

Oh, don’t get me started on men and cars, we will be here all night.

_She laughs and opens up one of the catalogues._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

Now, most of what I do at the church is helping plan events and fundraisers, so I just need a nice little space to set up a desk and hunker down with the paperwork.

_Jackie nods agreeably. She picks up a catalogue and flips through it. At a certain page, she gasps and holds it up for Kitty to see._

**JACKIE** : 

What about this? The _Le Palais Bulles_ look. Pierre Cardin built his house like this on the French Riviera. Ocean view, bean bags for furniture, and the whole house is shaped like a bubble.

**KITTY** :

(beat)

Okay, um... my house is shaped like a... like a house. A bean bag is not a desk. And we don’t have an ocean view. We don’t even have a Lake Michigan view.

(laughs)

_Jackie considers this, turns back to the catalogue._

**JACKIE** :

Ooh, you could model your workspace after Priscilla Presley’s home. She’s got this giant gold chess set that shows off that she’s rich, but she’s also got those crochet patterns old ladies like. That’d be perfect for you, Mrs. Forman!

_She beams and bobs on her feet. Kitty gives her a fixed smile, glances around her to Red. He grins back._

**RED** :

How’s doing it yourself working out?

_He takes a big bite of her sandwich as Jackie calls Kitty’s attention to another design._

**BUMPER**

**EXT. HUB PARKING LOT - NIGHT**

_The Hand 2 Van contest goes on. A few have dropped out, but Bob, Kelso, and Daniel remain._

_Donna crosses to Bob and passes a tin and a pick to his free hand._

**DONNA** :

Here, Dad. Some mints and your Afro pick.

**BOB** :

Oh, thank God, Donna. My hair was starting to look silly.

_Donna smiles, gives Kelso a friendly jab on the shoulder, and heads back to the booth. Daniel follows her with his eyes the whole way._

**DANIEL** :

Hey, check out the redhead.

**BOB** :

That redhead is my baby girl, Donna. I’m her dad.

**DANIEL:**

I want Donna to call me “daddy.”

_Kelso’s jaw drops as Bob trembles with rage. Finally, he can’t take it anymore – he takes his hand off the van and advances on Daniel._

**BOB** :

That’s it!

_Max hurries over from the table._

**MAX** :

Ah, Bob! You took your hand off the van – you lose!

_Max shakes his head and walks away. Bob glares at Daniel._

**BOB** :

This isn’t over.

**DANIEL** :

It is for you. Now, get out of here.

_He nods his head toward the street. Bob stares him down for a moment, then slinks off to Max’s table._

_Daniel slides along the van to get right up in a grinning Kelso’s face._

**DANIEL (cont’d)** :

And so begins the battle of wits.

**KELSO** :

Oh, man. I’ve never been good at wits.

**DANIEL** :

(flat)

Really?

**BUMPER**

_MUSIC NOTE: “Rockaway Beach by the Ramones._

**INT. HUB - NIGHT**

_Between it being Friday night and the giveaway going on outside, the Hub is happening – lots of teens, and lots of them girls. “Rockaway Beach” plays on the jukebox. Donna and Melissa chat near the window, and a tall, stout, badly-dressed and poorly groomed girl with glasses struts the floor – at last, we meet BIG RHONDA._

_Hyde, Eric, and Fez enter. Donna crosses to them._

**DONNA** :

Hey, guys. What’s going on?

**HYDE** :

Quick pit stop.

**DONNA** :

Cool. There’s a keg behind the radio booth and the guy watching it isn’t checking I.D.s.

_The boys all nod and mosey on into the Hub. Hyde and Eric stop to talk to a DARK-HAIRED GIRL and her friends, but Fez’s eye lands on Big Rhonda, near the pinball machine. He crosses over to her._

**FEZ** :

So, you are the notorious Big Rhonda?

**RHONDA** :

Yep. That’s my name. You must be that little foreign cocoa puff.

_Fez nods, looks Rhonda over. She gives him a friendly slug on the shoulder._

**RHONDA (cont’d)** :

Hey, wanna join me in hittin’ that keg outside? First one to down five cups buys me a hot dog.

_Fez raises his eyebrows, intrigued. He allows Rhonda to lead him outside._

_Near the bathroom door, Hyde and Eric chat up the dark-haired girl, who leans against the wall._

**DARK-HAIRED GIRL** :

It’s not like head cheerleader’s always the most talented, but in my case, it’s true.

_Neither of the boys has an answer to that. The girl leaves them to re-join her friends._

**ERIC** :

(to Hyde)

God, would you look at her? Small, dark, and shallow. Hey, just your type, Hyde.

**HYDE** :

Looks like your type’s being picked up.

_He points over Eric’s shoulder. Eric looks, sees Donna chatting with a good-looking guy._

_Deflated, Eric sighs, wanders over to a round table and leans against it. He doesn’t even notice the cute girl, KATIE, sitting there. She looks up at him and smiles._

**KATIE** :

Hey.

_Eric doesn’t respond._

**KATIE (cont’d)** :

So... that Hand 2 Van contest, huh?

**ERIC** :

Yuh-huh.

**KATIE** :

And the words kind of sound alike, so that’s always fun.

**ERIC** :

Look – no offense, but I’m really not in the mood for talking. I just broke up with my girlfriend, so…

**KATIE** :

Aww... you poor thing.

_She puts a hand on his arm._

**KATIE (cont’d)** :

You know, you have these sad lips that are just so hot.

**ERIC** :

(beat)

Really?

_He pulls up a chair and sits across from Katie._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

**INT. HUB – NIGHT**

_Picking up right where we left off. “Come On, Come On” by Cheap Trick now plays on the jukebox. Hyde chats with Melissa near the counter. Eric is still at the table with Katie. Fez and Rhonda have come back in from the keg and stand near the pinball machine._

**RHONDA** :

This summer, I’m going to visit my aunt in Mississippi.

**FEZ** :

Oh, you’re going away? That is sad.

**RHONDA** :

Hey, you should come with me, chocolate milk!

_She slaps him on the chest and downs what’s left of the beer in her cup._

_At their table, Katie pulls her seat in closer to Eric, so that they’re right next to each other._

**KATIE** :

When I looked up and saw you, I saw a guy who was wounded. The guy who sits in the dark, waiting for the light to find him again.

_At that moment, Donna comes in from the contest. She sees Eric and Katie, and Eric sees her._

**ERIC** :

(to Katie)

If only I could find this light you speak of, then maybe – just maybe – my pain might go away.

**KATIE** :

Would it help if I held you?

**ERIC** :

I doubt it.

(beat)

But let’s try, Katie.

_They hug._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Yeah, lower – yeah.

_Donna remains by the door, fuming._

_Hyde takes a sip from his red cup and looks Melissa over._

**HYDE** :

So, what do you do for fun?

**MELISSA** :

We’re in Wisconsin. So, nothing.

**HYDE** :

So you wouldn’t want to do something some time?

**MELISSA** :

Sorry. I did something last night, and I already made plans for some time.

_She moves around him, brushing his shoulder with hers as she walks, and heads outside._

_Fez and Rhonda have taken over an empty table. Fez stands on it and raises his red beer cup high. He’s not exactly steady on his feet._

**FEZ** :

A toast: to all my good friends. I will miss you when I blow out of this burg with the beautiful Big Rhonda.

_He actually picks up some applause._

**FEZ (cont’d)** :

Now, it’s off to Mississiphylis!

_He downs the rest of his beer. He slips off the table and is caught bridal-style by Rhonda._

CUT TO:

**EXT. HUB PARKING LOT – NIGHT**

_On goes the contest. Kelso and Daniel are all that’s left. Bob comes around the van with a coffee cup, hands it to Kelso._

**BOB** :

Here, Kelso. Thought you might need some coffee to keep you going.

_He exits, shooting Daniel a dirty look as he does so. Kelso quickly downs his coffee._

**DANIEL** :

(to Kelso)

Hey, you know what would be fun? Seeing which one of us could drink the most coffee, huh?

_Kelso laughs and nods._

**DANIEL (cont’d):**

Oh, no. You’ll just lose.

**KELSO** :

No, I would not. I could _so_ beat you!

**DANIEL** :

Well, I doubt that.

**KELSO** :

Oh, you’re goin’ down!

TIME LAPSE

_Moments later. Kelso drains a cup of coffee and throws it down in triumph._

**KELSO** :

That’s my six to your one!

**DANIEL** :

Yeah, you really whipped me. Kelso, you ever been to Niagara Falls?

**KELSO** :

Uh-uh.

**DANIEL** :

Don’t you like the soothing sound of water?

**KELSO** :

Yeah, I guess.

**DANIEL** :

You ever sat beside a babbling brook, listening to the beautiful, steady stream of water?

**KELSO** :

Well, I – okay, I don’t know if you realize this, but all this talk about water’s really making me have to go pee.

**DANIEL** :

Oh, yeah, yeah. I’m sorry. Yeah, I can see that “urine” a lot of pain.

**KELSO** :

Yeah, well, you better shut up, ‘cause you’re gonna have to go too.

**DANIEL** :

That’s where you’re wrong: I _am_ going.

_He pulls up his pant leg, revealing a thermos strapped to his ankle with a tube stretching up into his pants._

****

CUT TO:

****

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - NIGHT**

****

_The decorating continues, and not well. Red is still at the kitchen table, now reading a newspaper. Kitty leans on the stovetop, trying to keep calm. Jackie is the only one still upbeat as she keeps flipping through catalogues._

****

**JACKIE** :

Ooh, what about this one, Mrs. Forman?

(shows Kitty)

Barbara Streisand has a big desk next to the antique armchair. And just look at that chandelier.

**KITTY** :

(beat)

A chandelier? What am I going to do with a chandelier? There are two rooms in this house that I could use as a workspace, and neither one is even tall enough for a chandelier!

**JACKIE** :

Okay, I’m sensing you’re not in love with the chandelier.

(flips through catalogue)

Oh, but Lee Raziwill has this gorgeous -

_Kitty takes the catalogue from Jackie and shuts it._

**KITTY** :

Okay, okay – I’ve changed my mind. I think I’ll just bring in a contractor to set up my workspace.

**RED** :

And there it is.

_He folds up his newspaper and checks his watch._

**RED (cont’d)** :

And hey, it didn’t even take as long as I thought.

_He grins at a pouting Kitty, stands, and exits into the living room._

**KITTY** :

Oh, well. Thank you anyway, Jackie, for all the help you were... you were trying to give. Tell you what – the night’s still young. Why don’t you go see if you can catch up with your boyfriend?

**JACKIE** : 

Yeah, I should probably check on Michael, see how that radio giveaway’s going.

**KITTY** :

(beat)

Michael? Honey, you mean Steven.

**JACKIE** :

No, I mean Michael.

**KITTY** :

But I thought you were going to check on your boyfriend.

**JACKIE** :

Yeah... Michael _is_ my boyfriend. We got back together weeks ago. Steven’s the one who made sure we made things up.

_Kitty jaw goes slack as she stares at Jackie._

**KITTY:**

You’re back together with Michael? All the time you kids spend in my house, and no one tells me anything!

_She shakes her head and throws up her hands._

CUT TO:

**INT. HUB - NIGHT**

_The jukebox now plays “Sweet Talkin’ Woman” by the Electric Light Orchestra. While Eric and Katie continue to chat (and Donna continues to fume), Hyde leads Fez by the shoulder toward the door, just of out earshot of Rhonda, who is scarfing down hot dogs at a table near the pinball._

**FEZ:**

I know I just met her, Hyde, but I love her. She is sturdy. I want to climb her.

**HYDE** :

Man, you are desperate to give it away.

**FEZ** :

Yes. Yes I am.

**HYDE** :

Okay, Fez, time for a little advice. First: if a chick outweighs you by thirty pounds, you’re in for trouble.

**FEZ** :

Oh, I’ll put on weight. I’ll bridge the gap.

**HYDE** :

And that brings me to my second point: when used separately, chicks and booze are a lot of fun. But mix ‘em up, and you end spending your summer ass-deep in a swamp down south in Dixie.

_Fez looks down in thought as Hyde pats him on the back._

_Eric and Katie have moved into the booth seat. Eric briefly glances at Donna as Katie rubs his back._

**ERIC** :

(to Katie)

If you really think that putting my head on your lap will make me feel better... I mean, I guess I should try.

_He adjusts himself so that he can lie down in the booth seat with his head in Katie’s lap._

**DONNA** :

All right, that’s it.

(to Katie)

Excuse me? Hi. I have some information -

_Eric shoots upright._

**ERIC** :

(to Katie)

No, don’t listen to what she’s... I’m... she’s the one who hurt me!

**DONNA** :

Uh-huh. Yeah. _He_ dumped _me_.

**KATIE** :

(gasps)

You dumped her?

**ERIC** :

Well, I had to. She wouldn’t... she wouldn’t take my ring.

**KATIE** :

(to Donna)

You wouldn’t take his ring?

**DONNA** :

This is none of your business!

(to Eric)

And you are a sad little man.

_Katie looks at Eric with much less sympathy, and he squirms uncomfortably in his seat._

CUT TO:

**EXT. HUB PARKING LOT - NIGHT**

_A short time later. The contest is still ongoing between Kelso and Daniel. Max and Bob still man the table, while Donna and Melissa watch from the booth. But there’s a new presence in the lot: Jackie is at Kelso’s side, talking._

**JACKIE** :

Michael, this is so much nicer than your old van. I mean, this pea-soup green is – ugh – but with a little paint job -

**KELSO** :

You mean, like a mural, or like the Mystery Machine? Either way, I’m there!

**JACKIE** :

(nods)

Yeah, you could have an eagle, soaring majestically over the clouds, or a wild stallion charging through the desert.

**KELSO** :

I bet ya Fez would like that one! But it might give him some ideas...

_He and Jackie both wince at what kind of “ideas” he’s talking about._

**KELSO (cont’d):**

Oh, what about one of those wizards surrounded by fire?

_Daniel leans his head against the van. The conversation’s getting to him._

**JACKIE** :

No, wait Michael, I’ve got it. The mural should be about – me!

**DANIEL** :

Oh, my God.

**KELSO** :

(to Jackie)

Yeah, I could totally see you airbrushed on the side of the new Shaggin’ Wagon! Would you wanna be in your black dress or your new bikini?

**JACKIE:**

Why are those my only choices? I have so many mural-worthy outfits to choose from.

**KELSO** :

I guess that’s true. Like your lavender top with the dark gold scarf for winter.

**JACKIE** :

Or my bottleneck paired with my red beret.

**KELSO** :

Or your cheerleading uniform.

**JACKIE** :

Or my -

**DANIEL** :

Oh, my God!

_He turns to face them._

**DANIEL (cont’d)** :

I can’t take it anymore!

(mocking)

“What should we paint the van? Shouldn’t it be me? What should I wear?”

_He lets go of the van with both hands to grab Jackie and cover her mouth._

**DANIEL (cont’d)** :

SHUT UP!

_But that’s Max’s cue. With a portable transmitter and microphone on him, he jumps up and crosses to the van._

**MAX** :

And we finally have a winner!

_Daniel, in shock, releases Jackie, while Kelso hops up and down, still not letting go of the van. Donna and Melissa cross to Bob, and they all applaud._

**KELSO** :

I did it! Oh, my God, I won!

(to Daniel)

Who’s the best? I’m the best! Loser!

**DANIEL** :

I’m not a loser, okay? I win everything. I don’t lose, I win! Because I’m a winner!

_He slowly slinks away, calling back as he exits:_

**DANIEL (cont’d)** :

I’m a winner!

_With him gone, Max adjusts the transmitter and crosses to Kelso and Jackie._

**MAX** :

So, Michael Kelso, tell Wisconsin how it feels to be WFPP’s new Hand 2 Van winner.

_He holds out the microphone for Kelso, who leans in._

**KELSO** :

Well, I guess I have to say it like this, Max: if this van’s a-rockin’, we’re in there doing it.

**JACKIE** :

Michael!

**KELSO** :

Oh, I’m sorry. I’m doing it with Jackie Burkhart!

_Max, Bob, Donna, and Melissa all shake their heads as Jackie slaps Kelso in the chest._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – NIGHT**

_A short time later. Kitty is still up, back at the kitchen table with her catalogues. A portable radio, shut off, is on the table too._

_Eric and Hyde enter through the patio door._

**KITTY** :

Hello, boys.

_Eric keeps walking, all the way to the basement, but Hyde stops at the kitchen table._

**HYDE** :

Hey, Mrs. Forman. What are you doing up so late?

**KITTY** :

Oh, just getting a few things together to show the contractor.

(taps the catalogue page)

You know, I do like this wallpaper Lee Radziwill used here. Guess Jackie had the right idea after all.

(laughs)

**HYDE** :

You had Jackie over?

**KITTY** :

Uh-huh.

**HYDE** :

(looks left and right)

She still around?

**KITTY** :

No, she went to go check on Michael.

(taps radio)

He just won the van giveaway. They cut the broadcast when Jackie started yelling at him for... well, for saying what they’d be doing in the van.

**HYDE** :

Huh.

_He leans on the back of a chair as he looks off into space. Kitty looks up at him in sympathy, pats his hand._

**KITTY** :

That was a very selfless thing you did, getting them back together. I can only imagine how hard that was for you.

_Hyde stirs; he realizes his guard’s down._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

It didn’t really sink in until now, did it?

**HYDE** :

What? No! Come on, man, that’s – pfft! Like I care.

_He shrugs, jabs at the air. Kitty sees through the display. She stands, brings Hyde’s head down for a kiss on the cheek, and pats him on the shoulder before exiting into the living room._

_Once she’s gone, Hyde takes his sunglasses off. He runs a hand down his face and stares off again._

_Eric comes running back in from the basement._

**ERIC** :

Oh, YES! Burn, baby, burn!

_He points and snickers as Hyde scowls._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**CREDITS**

**INT. HUB – NIGHT**

_The crowd has finally thinned out. It’s now just Rhonda, Fez, and Donna at a round table._

**FEZ** :

(to Rhonda)

Rhonda, I cannot go to Mississippi.

**RHONDA** :

(tearing up)

So, you’re not coming?

**FEZ** :

I’m sorry. But maybe we can go to the movies sometime.

**RHONDA** :

And make out in the theater? Yeah! Call me.

_She kisses Fez on the cheek and struts out the door._

**DONNA** :

(to Fez)

Good God, sober up, man.

**FEZ** :

Oh, screw it, Donna. Fez likes them big, Fez likes them small, Fez likes them all.

_Donna laughs and claps him on the arm._

**END.**


	13. J/H 4-06: Bye Bye Basement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No real Zen this time, just a continuity fix - since, in this timeline, Hyde's already back with the Formans, the runner of what happened to his dad doesn't belong here anymore. Since that is the only change to this episode, I only re-wrote those scenes - or parts of scenes, in two cases - where it was mentioned. It should be pretty easy to know the context for each of these.
> 
> (We assume here that 4-05, "The Relapse," is unchanged in this timeline.)

**SHOW TITLE**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY**

_Early in the morning. ERIC and HYDE sit on the couch, watching TV – “Hong Kong Phooey.”_

_KITTY comes down the stairs, a tape measure in hand. She starts taking measurements – of the washer and dryer length, of the deep freeze, of the space under the stairs. Eric and Hyde keep their focus on the TV all the while, but when Kitty moves to the couch, Eric clears his throat._

**ERIC** :

Mom, what are you doing?

**KITTY** :

Oh, don’t mind me. I’m just taking a few measurements. I’ll need them for the contractors when they come in to re-do the basement.

_Eric and Hyde look to each other, then up at Kitty._

**ERIC:**

You’re re-doing the basement?

**KITTY** :

Well, honey, no one uses it.

**ERIC** :

(beat)

I use it! Every day!

**HYDE** :

I live in it every day!

**ERIC** :

Yeah, Mom, this is our Batcave! And... yeah, I’m pretty sure there’s no episode where Aunt Cooper comes down and re-decorates. Why can’t you re-do Laurie’s room?

**KITTY** :

Because Laurie’s room isn’t big enough to be my workspace. And... and because your father’s still telling himself that she’s away at beauty school instead of hopping failed marriage beds up and down Lake Michigan.

_She recalls the tape measure and heads back upstairs. Eric and Hyde share a worried look._

**ERIC** :

This is bad. We can’t lose the basement.

**HYDE** :

Yeah, it’s a tough break, Robin.

**ERIC** :

I just... I mean, how can my mom do this after all the years we’ve – “Robin?” I think you mean “Batman.”

**HYDE** :

No way, man. I’m Batman.

**ERIC** :

No, I’m Batman!

**HYDE** :

I’m Batman!

**ERIC** :

I’m Batman! It’s my house!

**HYDE** :

You’re calling “Batman” off that? Here’s how you tell who’s Batman: name one fight we’ve been in where I haven’t either saved or kicked your ass.

_Eric considers that for a moment. Then he throws himself at Hyde, and they begin to wrestle as we cut to:_

**MAIN CREDITS**

*******

**INT. HYDE’S ROOM - DAY**

_Kitty’s efforts haven’t yet reached this corner of the basement; it’s as filthy as always. Hyde sits on his bed, reading a magazine, while Eric paces and fumes._

**ERIC** :

This whole basement thing is Donna’s fault. I mean... what’s her problem? She’s been messing with me all day.

**HYDE** :

Could be payback.

**ERIC** :

For what?

**HYDE** :

Well, she had to see you naked for two years. That must have been unpleasant.

**ERIC** :

You know, for a guy who’s been orphaned twice, you really lack compassion.

**HYDE** :

Maybe, but you know who else was orphaned? Batman. Score one for Hyde-man, baby.

**ERIC** :

Yeah, all right, Hyde. But Robin was orphaned too, and you know who took him in? I believe that was Bruce Wayne. That’s right – score one for Forman-man.

_Hyde glances up from his magazine with a pitying look._

**ERIC** :

(faltering)

Eric-man... Forman... it’s still my house!

_He storms out. Hyde turns back to his magazine._

*******

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY**

_Red and Kitty head up the stairs. Eric and Hyde rise from the stools. Eric sits on the couch as Hyde crosses to the TV._

**ERIC** :

Oh, well. Look who finally got his basement back.

**HYDE** :

Yep. Out-witted two hippie burnouts. Walk tall.

_He flips the TV and sits down on the other end of the couch. The boys settle in to watch what’s on – “Batman.”_

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

You are so Robin, man. Just look at his hair.

_He chuckles softly. Eric considers that for a moment. He throws himself across the couch at Hyde, and they begin to wrestle again, eventually rolling off the couch and onto the floor._


	14. J/H 4-09: Donna's Story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Season 4's been a tougher nut to crack for this project than the back half of Season 3 was; a lot goes on in this season, Hyde's in the background for most of it, Jackie and Kelso have their issues, and finding openings to throw in some Zen without taking away from other characters' development hasn't been easy. This was one of the few easy spots to pick, but rewriting it in a way that didn't shortchange Fez and Kelso, or go way over the length limit for a 22-minute episode, was tough. For all it took to pull off, I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> (Following production order, we assume that episodes 4-07 and 4-08, "Uncomfortable Ball Stuff" and "The Forgotten Son," remain the same in this timeline.)
> 
> (And, housekeeping note: this has been my primary writing outlet for over a month now, and I'm pretty much finished with everything through Season 5. So I've decided to change the release schedule to every Monday and Thursday.)

_We open on a unique title card: “Ye Olde ‘70s Show,” printed across a book. It opens, and we cut to:_

**EXT. MOORS – NIGHT**

_A bleak English moor, a long time ago. In the midst of the fog and the rocks stand ERIC and DONNA in a passionate embrace, looking out over the moor. Only not Eric and Donna; Eric has the outfit and mutton chops of a Byronic hero, while Donna is in the garb of a scullery maid. These are DEREK and WANDA._

**DEREK** :

Oh, Wanda.

**WANDA** :

Oh, Derek.

**DEREK:**

Oh, Wanda.

**WANDA** :

Yes, Derek?

**DEREK** :

You’re not just my next-door neighbor. You’re also the love of my life.

**WANDA** :

Derek, I, too, have strong feelings of love for you. But I have to give back this promise ball and chain.

_She breaks their embrace and hands Derek a shackle, chain, and iron ball._

**WANDA (cont’d)** :

I must leave Point Upon the Place and explore the world with my trusty cat named Sir Bonkers.

_She begins to walk away, but Derek pulls her back into his arms._

**DEREK** :

No. I’ll never let you go.

_Wanda pulls away as lightning flashes and thunder crashes._

**WANDA** :

You can’t make me stay.

_She moves to slap him, but Derek catches her wrist._

**DEREK** :

Oh, no? Well, what if I told you that I’ve run over the cat named Sir Bonkers and the cat names Sir Bonkers is no more? Now submit and be my wife!

**WANDA** :

Derek, once you were a kind, peaceful man. But love has made you wicked.

**DEREK** :

Oh, I am wicked. And until you agree to be my wife, I will scour the earth in search of cats named Sir Bonkers, and I will kill them all, or at very least, spray them with water, which everyone knows they hate.

_He being to laugh, lowly at first but building to a mad crescendo as we crane back._

CUT TO:

**EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT - DAY**

_School has just let out. The real Eric and FEZ lean against the hood of the Vista Cruiser, reading the school newspaper. Eric, for one, is greatly offended._

**ERIC** :

I can’t believe Donna would publish this in the school paper.

**FEZ:**

I know. This could be in _Reader’s Digest_. It’s that good.

**ERIC** :

Oh, this is the worst short story by an ex-girlfriend in the school newspaper ever.

_He folds the paper up and pouts._

**MAIN CREDITS**

**BUMPER**

**EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT - DAY**

_Moments later. Eric and Fez are still on the hood of the Vista Cruiser as HYDE comes out from school and makes a beeline for them._

**HYDE** :

(to Eric)

Well, if it isn’t _Playboy_ reading, panty-loving, cat-killing Derek.

**ERIC** :

I know. How could Donna write this?

**FEZ** :

(to Eric)

Why are you upset? It’s this Derek guy who really gets the shaft.

**ERIC** :

Fez, I am Derek.

**FEZ:**

Everything always has to be about you.

**HYDE** :

Fez, man, think about it. Eric killed Donna’s cat. Derek killed Wanda’s cat. Donna found panties in Eric’s Vista Cruiser. Wanda found a chastity belt in Derek’s Vista Carriage.

_DONNA comes out from the school, joins them by the Vista Cruiser. Eric stands up straight to meet her._

**ERIC** :

Oh, well, if it isn’t the wielder of the poison pen.

**DONNA** :

Didn’t you like my story?

**ERIC** :

No. No, I didn’t. That’s why I said “poison pen,” not... “marshmallow pen.”

**DONNA** :

(laughing)

What?

**ERIC** :

This story is about us.

**DONNA** :

No, it’s not.

**ERIC** :

You took stuff from our life and put them in your story. Like the time you found those _Playboys_ under my bed.

_Donna considers this, and we cut back to:_

**EXT. MOOR – NIGHT**

_DONNA’S STORY. Derek, boasting a massive drinking tankard, tosses his grog over his shoulder. We hear a cat shriek, and Derek grins._

**DEREK:**

(chuckling)

Begone, Sir Bonkers.

_Wanda enters, a roll of parchment clutched in her fist._

**WANDA** :

Derek, look what I found under your bed. Lewd renderings of naked serving wenches. Did you commission these?

**DEREK** :

So what if I did? I have needs, woman. Now, ready thyself. On this night, we fornicate.

CUT TO:

**EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT – DAY**

_Donna gives Eric a conceding nod._

**DONNA** :

Okay, well, maybe there are some similarities. But that’s what writers do. I mean, we take stuff from our lives.

**ERIC** :

Yeah, but you made me mean all the time and that’s mean.

**DONNA:**

Okay, maybe I exaggerate some stuff. ‘Cause, you know, I’m writing this for stupid high school girls.

_The school doors open, and out flies JACKIE, a copy of the school newspaper in hand._

**JACKIE** :

(to Donna)

Oh, my God! Great story!

_Donna grins, indicates Jackie to an unconvinced Eric._

**BUMPER**

_MUSIC NOTE: “I Gotcha” by Joe Tex._

**INT. HUB – DAY**

_One drive later to a modest afternoon at the Hub. “I Gotcha” plays on the jukebox. The gang, minus Eric and Kelso, are at the wall table. Donna and Fez sit in the chairs, while Hyde and Jackie share the booth seat. Everyone but Jackie has food in front of them._

**DONNA** :

Jackie, you’re not eating?

**JACKIE** :

No, I left my checkbook at home and I’m out of cash. My dad cut my allowance back to 50 dollars a month, and Michael borrowed it to buy me a dress.

**DONNA** :

Why’d your dad cut your allowance?

**JACKIE** :

Oh, he’s mad because he let me use his credit card on our weekend in Milwaukee. I maxed it out on the Gloria Vanderbilt collection.

_KELSO enters, heads straight for their table._

**KELSO** :

Hey, guys, who’s up for pinball?

_He indicates the pinball machine in the corner._

**HYDE** :

Nah, man, I’m done with pinball.

**KELSO** :

Done with it or ready for more?

**HYDE** :

Done with it.

**KELSO** :

Or ready for more?

_When no one moves to play, he groans._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

Come on, guys. I bought a half stake in this machine, so I need people to play so I can make some money.

**DONNA** :

You bought a half stake? How much was that?

**KELSO** :

Fifty bucks.

_Jackie’s head snaps up._

**JACKIE** :

And where did you get the fifty dollars, Michael?

**KELSO** :

From -

_He cuts himself off; he knows he’s been caught._

**JACKIE** :

You spent my fifty dollars on that stupid machine? Michael, you lied to me!

**KELSO** :

Jackie, listen. There’s an old saying: you buy a girl a dress, and she looks pretty for one night. But you buy her boyfriend a pinball machine, and she looks pretty for life.

_Jackie opens her mouth to protest, but stops: Hyde is watching her. Seeing this, she closes her mouth, folds her hands in her lap, and turns her nose up at Kelso._

**JACKIE** :

Fine, Michael.

**KELSO** :

(beat)

Wait, really? All right, I got off pretty easy on that one! Let’s celebrate with a round of pinball! Come on!

_He gives a hearty wave toward the pinball machine as Jackie pouts, Hyde thinks, and Donna and Fez laugh._

CUT TO:

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY**

_Later that afternoon. RED and KITTY exit from the house and start across the drive._

**KITTY:**

Come on, Red. Bob really wants us to meet his new lady friend.

**RED:**

(stops)

Now, think about it, Kitty. She likes Bob. I have a hard time believing this woman even exists. We’re gonna get over there, Bob’s gonna be sitting in a rocker with a lady’s wig on.

(looks to his left)

“You look lovely tonight, Bob.”

(looks to his right)

“So do you. Bob.”

**KITTY:**

(frowns)

You’ve been working on that all day, haven’t you.

**RED:**

(smiles)

Yeah.

_And off they go._

CUT TO:

**EXT. PINCIOTTI BACKYARD - DAY**

_Later that afternoon. BOB and JOANNE tend to the set-up in the yard – grill, meat, lawn chairs, table._

_Kitty and Red come around the house. Kitty is leading a clearly reluctant Red by the arm. Bob smiles as they approach._

**BOB** : 

Red, Kitty, I’d like you to meet a very special lady: Joanne.

_Joanne offers a hand, and Kitty shakes it._

**KITTY** : 

Well, Joanne, it is so nice to meet you. Right, Red?

**RED** :

We can’t stay long.

**JOANNE** :

Ah, Red. Bob warned me you can be a pain in the ass.

_She, Bob, and Kitty laugh; Red scowls._

**JOANNE** :

Well, I’ll tell you what. We’ll just have dinner, and if it turns out you don’t like me, we’ll never invite you over again.

**RED** :

Really? I like you already. Well, let’s get this barbecue started. Bob, grab that meat.

_He gestures to the chicken on the table and makes for the grill, but it’s Joanne who picks up the chicken._

**JOANNE** :

Oh, I got it, Red. Why don’t you fellas make a salad?

**RED** :

(laughs)

Salad.

(beat)

Oh, you’re serious. No. See, Bob and I do the grilling.

**JOANNE** :

Not this time. Kitty, you wanna give me a hand?

**KITTY/RED** :

Well, I’d love to./Oh, I don’t think that -

_They cut each other off and look to one another._

**RED** :

But, Kitty, you might... set your lovely hair on fire.

**KITTY** :

Well, it can’t be that hard. You do it.

_She and Joanne laugh and head to the grill with the meat. Bob shrugs and crosses to the table, Red following._

**RED** : 

Bob, what the hell’s going on here?

**BOB** :

Look, Red, I really like this woman. So please, for today, just shut it.

**RED** :

“Shut it?” Good God, Bob! Is she teaching you to stand up for yourself?

**BOB** :

(beat)

Yes.

**RED** :

Well, cut it out!

_They stare each other down, Bob for once having the upper hand._

**BUMPER**

_MUSIC NOTE: “Light Up by Styx._

**INT. HUB – DAY**

_A little later still in the day. “Light Up” by Styx plays on the jukebox. Eric has joined the gang, and they’ve moved to a table closer to the pinball machine. Kelso, Hyde, and Fez cluster around it while Eric and Jackie sit at the table. Eric’s nose is back in the school newspaper while Jackie glares at Kelso._

**JACKIE** :

God, I cannot believe Michael. No one plays that pinball game anymore. He’s never going to get that money back. And that means _I’m_ never going to get that money back!

**ERIC** :

(reading)

“And lo, Derek did then proceed to confer with his simple-minded drinking companions whether ‘twould be appropriate for his and Wanda’s first fornication to be in the back of the bumpkin Milo’s wagon.”

**JACKIE** :

Eric, you’re not even listening to me.

**ERIC** :

(looks up)

What’d you expect?

_Jackie scowls, slaps him in the shoulder. Eric points over to Hyde._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Jackie, I’m having a hard time with this Derek and Wanda thing, and Hyde’s right there, so...

**JACKIE** :

No, I can’t talk to Steven about Michael anymore.

**ERIC** :

(beat)

What? Of course you can. That’s like – that’s part of the group dynamic. When Kelso goes too far or too stupid, you get help from Hyde. It’s like _Looney Tunes_. Hyde’s that big Marc Anthony dog and you’re the bitchy little kitten that claws onto his back.

**JACKIE** :

Look, when I told Steven I wanted to get back together with Michael, he got really upset and told me that if I ever had another problem with Michael, I should go to someone else. He’s so damaged on trust, and with everything Michael and I have been through, I think he was disappointed in me.

**ERIC** :

(under his breath)

Yeah, that was it.

(to Jackie)

But he got you and Kelso back together. He’s gotta be over that by now. And, if he’s not - he said “someone else,” he didn’t say me.

_Jackie slaps his shoulder again._

_Over at the pinball, Kelso looks around the Hub, searching for players._

**FEZ** :

(to Kelso)

So how does this 50-dollar investment in pinball work?

**KELSO** :

Well, I bought a half stake, so for every quarter that goes in, I get half. So, the more people play, the more half-quarters I get until I’ve got a buttload of half-quarters. I start putting those half-quarters together, and I’m rollin’ in it!

_Fez looks the machine over, nods._

**FEZ** :

I would like to buy a half stake.

**KELSO** :

No, that’s a bad idea, Fez. Remember, you’re a foreigner. You’re not used to our capitalist system. We’re dealing with quarters here, not frogs or chickens.

**FEZ** :

(beat)

Well, I’m not going to dignify that with a response. Because I can’t think of one. But when I do, a good day to you.

**KELSO** :

All right, Fez -

**FEZ** :

I said, kiss my ass!

_He turns away, fuming. Hyde pats him on the back._

_Donna enters. Eric stands to meet her._

**DONNA** :

So, you still mad?

**ERIC** :

No. No reason to be mad. Your story is just a pathetic attempt to rewrite history, make yourself look good. I’m pretty sure everyone’s gonna know who the dill-hole is here.

**DONNA** :

Eric, it’s just a story. No one’s gonna think anybody’s a dill-hole.

_Two girls, a BLONDE and BRUNETTE, stomp over and glare at Eric._

**BLONDE** :

Cat killer.

**BRUNETTE** :

Bastard.

**BLONDE:**

Porn freak.

_They scoff and disappear into the bathroom._

**DONNA** :

(beat)

Okay, they could be talking about anybody.

_Hyde crosses over from the pinball, takes Eric’s vacant seat at the table._

**HYDE** :

Hey, we’re all porn-freak bastards, but he’s the only one who killed a cat.

**ERIC** :

Okay, okay. This school obviously needs to hear the Eric Forman version of things, a.k.a. the truth. So I’m gonna write my own story.

(to Donna)

Yeah. Yeah, that’s right. I’m throwing down the gauntlet, baby.

**DONNA** :

Really? Okay, smarty, what’s a gauntlet?

**ERIC** :

(scoffs)

A gauntlet? What’s a gauntlet?

(beat)

What’s a gauntlet?

(beat)

I don’t know, but it’s down, lady!

_He storms out of the Hub. Donna laughs, shakes her head, and sits down by Jackie._

CUT TO:

**EXT. PINCIOTTI BACKYARD – EVENING**

_The adults are sat down to an outdoor dinner – with a salad. Everyone but Red is enjoying the meal._

**BOB** :

(to Joanne)

Boy, this chicken’s delish. What a chef.

**KITTY** :

You really know your way around a grill, Joanne.

_She and Joanne chuckle._

**RED** :

Mine’s dry.

**KITTY** :

(to Red)

No it isn’t. It’s tender and delicious.

**RED** :

(to Joanne)

Maybe if I chewed it with some water.

**JOANNE** :

Well, there’s the hose.

_She nods to it, chuckles, and she and Bob enter the house._

**RED** :

(to Kitty)

I don’t like her anymore.

**KITTY** :

Well, I do.

**RED** :

Kitty, I’m chopping vegetables, Bob’s telling me to shut it, you’re over there grilling with Susan B. Damn Anthony.

**KITTY** :

Well, fine, Red. If it bothers you, we can invite them over, and you can do the grilling. But for now, I’d really appreciate it if you’d just shut it.

**RED** :

If one more person tells me to shut it -

**KITTY** :

What? You might actually shut it?

_They glare at each other across the table._

CUT TO:

**EXT. MOORS – NIGHT**

_Another story excerpt – but not from Donna’s this time. Derek is tied to a large wooden stake stuck into the moor as Wanda, in a witch’s robe and hat, stirs a cauldron._

**DEREK** :

Please, Wanda, you don’t have to boil me alive. Killing your cat was just a horrible accident.

**WANDA** :

I know, but I’m a witch.

_Cue the lightning and thunder._

**DEREK** :

Dear God, why is a nice, sensitive guy like me dating a lying, manipulative witch like you?

**WANDA** :

Well, maybe it’s because even witches have itches.

_She whips her hat off and shrugs out of her robe, revealing a sexy red lingerie with black lace._

**DEREK** :

All is forgiven!

_Wanda dances her way over to Derek as bad porno music plays, and they begin to kiss._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT**

_Eric and Fez sit on the couch. Eric tears the page he was working on from his notebook and crumbles it up._

**ERIC** :

God, why do all my stories end like that?

**FEZ** :

Don’t stop. I like where you were going.

_Eric shrugs and resumes writing._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY**

_The next day, afternoon. Hyde is in his chair, Fez is on one end of the couch, and Eric sits on the armrest of the other. He hands a stack of papers to Hyde._

**ERIC** :

So, guys, check out my story. I passed out a bunch of copies at lunch today.

**HYDE** :

Oh, Forman, this kind of thing always blows up in your face. Don’t ever stop doing it.

_The basement door opens and Donna storms in, stack of papers in hand._

**DONNA** :

What the hell is this?

**ERIC** :

Oh, you didn’t like my story?

**DONNA** :

Oh, yeah, I loved it. Especially this part.

_She flips a few pages, and we cut to:_

**EXT. MOORS – NIGHT**

_ERIC’S STORY. Derek sits on a rock, next to Wanda in an ornate armchair._

**DEREK** :

Wanda, I have performed every task thou hath asketh of me. Please, can we finally consummate our love? I beseech you.

_He places a hand on her cheek._

**WANDA** :

Well, I said I would – so I won’t.

_She slaps his hand away._

**DEREK** :

But I beseeched you.

**WANDA** :

Okay, let’s consummate.

**DEREK** :

Really?

**WANDA** :

No.

**DEREK** :

Please. I beseech you.

**WANDA** :

Okay!

**DEREK** :

Really?

**WANDA** :

No. Now, rub my enormous feet.

_A footrest has conveniently appeared before her chair, and she puts up two feet the size of her torso._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY**

_Donna looks up from the story to glare at Eric. Fez and Hyde, who have been reading along, look up as well._

**FEZ** :

Um, guys? I don’t understand. What does “consummate” mean?

**HYDE** :

It means to have sex.

**FEZ** :

Really? Now I have two words for that.

**DONNA** :

Eric, you just wrote this to hurt me.

**ERIC** :

What? I did not. And – hey, so did you.

**DONNA** :

Look, when I wrote my story, I just sat down and that’s what came out. I didn’t, like, plan it or anything. And besides – no, you know what? I don’t have to explain myself to you.

_She turns and exits._

**FEZ** : 

Okay, I’d like someone to explain it to me.

**HYDE** :

Well, that’s easy, Fez. See, Donna, as an artist, wrote her story to get some perspective on her life. Forman, as a vindictive ass, wrote his story to be a vindictive ass.

**FEZ** :

Oof, Eric. I think you just consummated yourself.

_He and Hyde crack up as Eric thinks on that._

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - EVENING**

_Kitty’s suggestion put into action: Bob and Joanne are over for dinner. They sit with Kitty at the table as Red enters from outside and sits down._

**RED:**

Well, steaks are a-cookin’. What should we have to go with dinner?

(to Joanne)

Oh, I know. How about a salad? Say, Joanne, why don’t you make the salad?

**JOANNE:**

(beat)

No thanks.

**RED** :

Aww... make the salad. Unless you don’t like to do lady jobs.

_Kitty grabs a roll and holds it in front of Red._

**KITTY** :

Red, put this in your mouth.

**BOB** :

Okay, you know what? I’ll make the salad.

_He stands._

**RED & JOANNE**:

Sit down, Bob.

_He sits._

**JOANNE** :

(to Red)

I’d love to make a salad.

**RED:**

Great!

**JOANNE** :

As soon as Red admits he’s not asking me to make a salad, he’s trying to put me in my place.

**RED** :

(beat)

You are woman. I hear you roar.

**JOANNE** :

(shakes her head)

I can’t believe you’re so threatened by something as trivial as me grilling chicken.

**RED** :

It’s not trivial. Men grill. It’s been that way since the first caveman bonked a wooly mammoth on the head and threw it on the barbecue. And his cave wife made the salad!

_Bob sniffs the air._

**BOB** :

I smell something burning.

**RED** :

Oh!

_He scrambles out of his chair and bolts to the patio door._

JUMP CUT:

_Moments later. Red sets down a pile of burned steaks. Refusing to concede defeat, Red takes one and sets it on his plate._

**RED** :

(to Joanne)

Well, if you didn’t want it well-done, you should have said something.

_Alone, he starts to eat._

CUT TO:

**INT. HUB - DAY**

_The next day, afternoon again. The Hub is packed, and it’s easy to see why: a new arcade game is in the building, SPACE INVADERS. And it just so happens to be in the spot where the pinball used to be._

_Kelso and Jackie make their way through the crowd gathered around the game to see Fez going at it._

**KELSO** :

What the hell? Where’s my pinball machine?

_Fez turns around and smiles at Kelso._

**FEZ** :

Oh, where, indeed? Oh, I remember – I convinced the owner that pinball was out and Space Invaders was in. Oh, and did I mention...

_He pauses as the OWNER, a portly fellow, stops by long enough to press a thick wad of bills into Fez’s hands. Fez, very deliberately, waves the bills under his nose._

**FEZ (cont’d)** :

I bought a half stake in the machine.

**KELSO** :

(gasps)

What? But – but the deal on my half stake was that if the owner ever sold the pinball machine, I’d get my half back.

**FEZ** :

Yes, unless someone and his partner bought out your half stake and invested it in the new Space Invaders.

**KELSO:**

You?

(Fez nods)

But who’s your partner?

_Hyde, who has been by the counter this whole time, passes through the crowd to Fez’s side. He puts his arm around Fez’s shoulders as Fez passes half the wad of bills into Hyde’s free hand._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

Guys, why would you stab me in the back like this?

**FEZ** :

Well, rest assured, Kelso, your “frogs and chickens” comment had nothing to do with it.

**HYDE** :

(shrugs)

I just couldn’t pass up this nice of a burn.

_Kelso gasps again and looks to Jackie for sympathy. She has none._

**JACKIE** :

You know, Michael, there’s an old saying: you’re dumb as dirt.

_He pouts and storms off. Jackie shakes her head and crosses to the booth seat. Hyde follows and sits next to her. Checking that Fez is preoccupied with Space Invaders, he counts out some bills and throws them on the table in front of Jackie._

**HYDE** :

Here.

_Jackie looks from him to the bills._

**JACKIE:**

What’s this?

**HYDE** :

Just –

_He gestures for her to take the money. Slowly, she picks it up and counts it._

**JACKIE** :

Steven, this is 50 dollars.

(beat)

Did you go in with Fez on that game to get my money back?

**HYDE** :

Hey, don’t start getting gushy about this. You’re only getting that so I can shut Forman up. It’s bad enough I gotta listen to all the crap with him and Donna, now I gotta hear what’s going on with you through him? Babbling about group dynamics and _Looney Tunes_? If I wanna hear about your little cheerleader problems, I’ll get it from you.

_He crosses his arms and turns his back to her. She keeps looking at him anyway; slowly, she realizes what he’s really saying._

**JACKIE** :

Okay. Well, then, I’m not paying for lunch to say “thank you.” I’m doing it because this Space Invaders business is the first time in your life that you’ve had real money, and you probably don’t know what to do with it.

**HYDE** :

Ah, bite me.

**JACKIE** :

(smiling)

You’re welcome.

_Hyde turns around and gives her a small smirk back. They stand together and cross to the counter._

_Eric enters. The blonde and brunette from earlier, who are reading school newspapers near the door, move to meet him._

**BLONDE** :

Hey, Eric. We’re sorry we called you a cat-killer bastard porn-freak.

**ERIC** :

Oh. So, you read my story, huh?

**BRUNETTE** :

No, we read Part Two of Donna’s story. The ending is so beautiful.

_The blonde gives Eric her copy, and they walk off._

**ERIC** :

Part... huh? Beauti... what?

_Jackie and Hyde, now each carrying a basket with a hot dog, cross to Eric as he looks down at the paper._

**ERIC** :

(reading)

“And as Wanda walked away, she knew in her heart she would never stop loving Derek.”

**HYDE** :

Wow, that’s good writing. It’s emotional and it screws you.

_He and Jackie head back to their seat as Eric beings to read Part Two from the beginning._

**BUMPER**

**INT. PINCIOTTI KITCHEN – DAY**

_A short time later. Donna is at the kitchen island, making a sandwich. Eric enters from outside._

**ERIC** :

Hey. Hey, so, uh, funny thing. Um, your story had a second part, huh?

**DONNA** :

Yeah. The paper broke it in half because it was too long.

**ERIC** :

Oh.

(beat)

Well, uh, you know – maybe my story has a second part, too.

**DONNA** :

Eric, your story ended with “and he never saw that crazy bitch again.”

_She crosses to the fridge for peanut butter._

**ERIC** :

Well, you know, that was just a... prequel. To a story entitled, uh, “he did see that crazy bitch again, and she was a delight.”

(beat)

Okay, I was... I was pretty mad when I wrote that.

**DONNA** :

Eric, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. But, I mean, I guess I was mad when I wrote mine too. At least when I started. But once I got all that stuff off my chest... I mean, I felt better about us. More like the second half of my story.

_She crosses back to the island._

**ERIC** :

So, uh, so what happens to Derek and Wanda?

**DONNA** :

Well, in the story, they went off on their own adventures.

**ERIC** :

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that’s probably good for them.

**DONNA** :

Yeah. It’s probably time they moved on.

**ERIC** :

Sure. Derek’s gonna be fine. He’s a smart guy. The wenches love him.

**DONNA** :

Yeah, well, Wanda’s gonna do great too.

**ERIC** :

Oh, yeah, sure. And she’ll get all the wenches she wants. Oh, my God, Donna, there’s your story: “Wanda and the Dirty Wenches.”

**DONNA** :

(laughing)

Shut up.

**ERIC:**

I know, I know.

_Donna gathers her sandwich, and they both sit at the kitchen table._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

That’s a movie.

_He smiles, and Donna cracks up again._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**CREDITS**

**INT. HUB - DAY**

_A (seemingly) empty Hub, except for Donna at the jukebox and Jackie at a table. When the door opens, and Fez enters, they rush to embrace him._

**DONNA** :

Oh, Fez! I can’t hold my feelings inside any longer.

**JACKIE** :

Yes, we must finally tell you how much we desire you! And it’s not just us, Fez.

_The blonde and brunette who confronted Eric before sweep in and embrace Fez from the front and back. Fez smiles up at the ceiling in ecstasy._

**FEZ** :

Oh, I knew it all along. Now – let’s consummate me!

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY**

_Fez sits alone on the couch, a pen and notebook in hand. He looks up at the ceiling with the same sort of joyous face as he had in his story._

**FEZ** :

Ah, old boy, this is the best story ever!

_And with that, he goes back to work._

**END.**


	15. J/H 4-14: Jackie Says Cheese

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Following production order, the next few episodes - "Red and Stacey," "Eric's Hot Cousin," "The Third Wheel," and "An Eric Forman Christmas" all remain unchanged in this timeline. I imagine some of you are surprised "The Third Wheel" didn't come in for a rewrite, and I watched it multiple times looking for an opening myself, but nothing jumped out at me. "Jackie Says Cheese," on the other hand...
> 
> (This is another one that was only partially re-written. Some re-written scenes are sequential, and some aren't; you'll know those by the *** separating them. Enough material is the same that I think anyone familiar with the episode can recognize the context for all of these. Just to get us all on the same page: imagine the episode playing out as you know it up until the second scene dealing with Thomas...)

**INT. HUB - DAY**

_THOMAS continues to make his own mark as the “foreign kid:” he sits at a round table with TWO PRETTY GIRLS. Over at the wall table, FEZ watches with cold disapproval, while KELSO eats. “Long, Long Way from Home” by Foreigner plays on the jukebox._

**THOMAS** :

(laughing)

I don’t know. I’ve just always been good-looking.

_He and the girls laugh some more._

**FEZ** :

(to Kelso)

Look at that foreign bastard. Cracking up the whores.

**KELSO:**

Yup. That is one sexy accent.

**FEZ:**

Hey, if I pretend to say something funny, will you laugh?

**KELSO** :

What would you pretend to say?

_Fez snorts and looks back to Thomas._

**FEZ** :

That Thomas is shady.

(to Kelso)

And have you noticed he never says what country he’s from?

**KELSO** :

(beat)

What country are you from?

**FEZ** :

What country are _you_ from?

**KELSO** :

America.

**FEZ** :

Fine, mystery solved.

_He scoffs and turns back to stewing._

*******

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY**

_A quiet afternoon. HYDE reads in his chair, DONNA reads on the couch, and JACKIE paces up and down the room._

_Kelso enters through the basement door._

**KELSO** :

Hey.

_Jackie immediately crosses to him._

**JACKIE** :

Michael, I’m broke! I had to buy generic hair conditioner. And now, I have split ends.

**KELSO** :

Well, no one is gonna notice that, baby.

**HYDE** :

(to Jackie)

Yeah, they’ll all be looking at that monster zit.

_Kelso shrugs, nods, and takes a seat on the couch._

**JACKIE** :

(to Hyde)

I have to ration my cover-up.

(to Kelso)

So find a job already!

**KELSO** :

I’m trying, okay? It’s tough out there.

**HYDE** :

Kelso, you’ve been down here in the basement all day, reading the funnies.

**KELSO:**

And the next page over’s the want ads! I’m getting to it!

_Jackie glares down at Kelso, who tries not to look guilty._

**DONNA:**

What about that new store at the mall? The Cheese Palace.

**HYDE** :

“Where curd is king?”

**DONNA** :

The very same.

**KELSO** :

Nah. I saw that place. They’re only hiring for cheese maidens to hand out the free samples. _Girl_ maidens. You know, with boobs and stuff.

_Donna looks up at Jackie._

**DONNA** :

Hey, you know who’s an actual girl with boobs and stuff?

**JACKIE** :

Oh, Donna, you don’t have to get a job just for me.

**DONNA** :

I was talking about you, pimple-chin.

**JACKIE** :

Oh, no, no, no, no. I am not getting a job. A job is for poor people. I am a rich person who doesn’t have money. Big diff.

_Donna and Hyde roll their eyes._

_Kelso looks up at Jackie, leans closer._

**KELSO** :

Hey, is that a blackhead?

_Jackie recoils at the thought._

**JACKIE** :

NOOOOOO!

CUT TO:

**INT. MALL – DAY**

_On a mildly busy shopping day, Jackie stands in the courtyard, in full cheese maiden attire, with a tray of free samples. She meekly offers it up to passers-by, who all ignore her._

**JACKIE** :

Cheddar? Cheddar? Cheddar?

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

_MUSIC NOTE: “Working in the Coal Mine” by Lee Dorsey._

**INT. MALL – DAY**

_Right where we left off. Jackie keeps offering her cheese samples to patrons, none of whom seem interested. But for each effort, Jackie has a rhyme._

**JACKIE** :

Try the Swiss. You can’t miss. Try the Cheddar. It’s even better.

_Hyde comes around the corner and stops by Jackie. He looks down at the floor._

**HYDE:**

The floor’s real shiny, and I see your heinie.

_Jackie groans, hits him in the chest._

**HYDE** :

Hey, the cheese maiden hit me! Cheese guards, seize her!

**JACKIE** :

God, this job is awful! I’m starting to glisten!

**HYDE** :

You mean, sweat?

**JACKIE** :

No. Girls don’t sweat. Sweating is for boys and pigs. Girls glisten.

**HYDE** :

Like a Christmas ham.

_Undeterred by Jackie’s glare, he helps himself to some cheese samples._

**JACKIE** :

Where is Michael? The only reason I have this job is so he and I can be together.

**HYDE** :

In the basement, eating Fritos.

(Jackie gasps)

Yeah, if he sends in 80 empty Frito bags, he gets a remote-control car.

**JACKIE** :

I’m working for our love, and he’s trying to get a _toy car_?

**HYDE:**

(shrugs)

Hey, bright side is, all that “glisten’s” pushed that blackhead out.

_Jackie’s hand goes to her chin as Hyde takes some more cheese._

**BUMPER**

**INT. BASEMENT – DAY**

_As Donna and Kelso watch TV (Kelso with a bag of Fritos), Fez paces up and down the room, muttering to himself._

**FEZ** :

Thomas. Thomas. Thomas!

_He stops, leans on the back of Hyde’s chair._

**FEZ (cont’d)** :

What I have to do is show everyone that I am cooler than Thomas. You know, I once saw the Fonzie do something on TV that just might do the trick.

CUT TO:

**EXT. BEACH – DAY**

_FANTASY SEQUENCE. The whole gang, plus Thomas and the two girls from earlier, are gathered on a pier. Fez is the Fonz, complete with leather jacket, while everyone else is dressed for the beach._

**FEZ** :

I am now going to jump over a shark on water skis to prove that I’m the coolest foreign exchange student in Point Place.

**THOMAS** :

(scoffs)

He’ll never make it.

**DONNA:**

Shut up. He can do it. He’s – the Fez!

_The gang all nod in support._

**FEZ** :

Okay. Here I go. Hit it.

_And off he goes, to a series of obviously blue-screened shots miming water skiing and stock footage of a great white shark. Fez takes time to break the fourth wall with a smile and a thumbs up._

_Back at the pier, the gang cluster together, Donna holding onto ERIC and Jackie surrounded by Hyde and Kelso._

**ERIC** :

He’s crazy, man! He’s crazy!

**HYDE** :

He’s at the ramp!

_An even more artificial shot fakes the act of jumping the shark as Fez cries out in triumph. Cut to him climbing back onto the pier and receiving congratulatory cheers, pats, punches, and hugs by the gang and Thomas’s two girls._

**JACKIE** :

You suck, Thomas!

_Thomas’s face runs with artificial sitcom tears._

**ERIC** :

Fez, you jumped that shark, and you’re not even wet.

**FEZ** :

That’s ‘cause I’m cool-a-mundo. Ai!

_He gives two thumbs up and grins._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY**

_Back to reality. Fez is grinning here too. He looks down at Donna and Kelso._

**FEZ** :

What do you think?

**DONNA** :

Not only is that the worst idea I’ve ever heard, it was the worst moment in television history.

**FEZ** :

(beat)

Yeah, you’re right. I stopped watching after that episode.

**KELSO** :

I kinda liked it.

_Donna gives him a long stare; he inches away from her._

**FEZ** :

THOMAS!

_And back to pacing he goes._

*******

**EXT. ROAD – NIGHT**

_Kelso’s Samba out on the dark backwoods’ streets. Fez is behind the wheel, Kelso in the passenger’s seat, and Thomas right behind them, an arm on either chair._

**THOMAS** :

How exciting. My first American road trip. I can’t wait to see Lake Dillhole.

_Fez, with a small, sly grin, pulls over and puts her in park._

**FEZ** :

Well, the wait is over. We’re here.

(to Thomas)

Now, hop out, you crazy son of a gun.

_Thomas, beaming, jumps out of the van. Kelso takes a careful look around the area._

**KELSO** :

This is the Michigan border.

**FEZ** :

Well, what do you know?

_Thomas looks in through the drivers’ side window._

**THOMAS** :

So where is Lake Dillhole?

**FEZ** :

(pointing)

Oh, it’s right there, behind the Get Bent Memorial. So, get bent, dill-hole!

_He throws the van back into drive and takes off down the road. He and Kelso share a quiet laugh._

**KELSO** :

That was a sweet burn, man.

**FEZ** :

You don’t have to tell me.

**KELSO** :

(beat)

I don’t wanna take away from your moment, but we did just leave a high school kid stranded in the middle of nowhere, and his host parents are probably gonna want to look for him.

(beat)

And the cops.

_He and Fez share a look. Fez spins the wheel, and they both lurch as the van turns around._

CUT TO:

**INT. MALL – NIGHT**

_Jackie on the night shift. She continues to fail at drawing in samplers. Donna watches her with a big smile from the rim of a large plant pot, while Hyde stands just off to her side, sneaking cheese samples as she tries to solicit shoppers._

**JACKIE** :

(to patrons)

The Gouda’s so good-a. The Havarti’s a party.

_Hyde reaches for a sample further down the tray. Jackie slaps his hand away._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

Quit it! Steven, why do you keep eating all my cheese?

**HYDE** : 

We’re in Wisconsin.

(takes a bite)

Hey, this Havarti _is_ a party!

_He motions for Donna to come over. She joins them and takes a sample herself._

**JACKIE** :

Oh, my God, this is awful! A few minutes ago, I smelled stinky cheese. And it was me!

**HYDE** :

Hey, I stink after work too. Of course, that stink’s got nothing to do with work. And ganja ain’t no Gouda.

_Jackie shakes her head, passes him the whole cheese tray and starts to walk away. Hyde and Donna follow._

**HYDE (cont’d):**

Come on, Jackie. This can’t be that bad.

**DONNA** :

Yeah. And you got this job so you could be with Kelso. I mean, doesn’t that make it satisfying?

**JACKIE** :

NO!

_Kelso and Fez come around the corner. Kelso smiles at Jackie, but she holds a finger up before he can say a word._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

Michael, I love you, but I am not cut out for work. I’m cut out for having rich people give me things. I’m sorry, but I can’t do this.

_Just as she says this, her MANAGER comes up behind her and presents her with an envelope. He walks back into the store as Jackie opens it up._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

Oh, my gosh. It’s a check! And that’s my name! Mine!

_She shows it off to Hyde, bobbing on her feet. Kelso starts to bob too._

**KELSO** :

(to Jackie)

All right, so we can stay together!

**JACKIE** :

Yeah, and I can still be rich!

**KELSO** :

Yeah! You know, we deserve a celebration. Hey, let’s go buy me a remote-control car.

**JACKIE** :

No, Michael. Money doesn’t grow on trees.

(gasps)

Money _doesn’t_ grow on trees. You know, I think having a job is changing me. Okay, think about it: a whole new me.

**HYDE, FEZ, DONNA, & KELSO**:

(beat)

That’d be great.

_Jackie pouts at them all, takes back her cheese tray, and heads out into the courtyard._


	16. J/H 4-15: Tornado Prom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Fan Forum's SpacemanDoug for help with tracking down the music used in this episode.

**SHOW TITLE**

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - DAY**

_It’s January – not that you would know it from the weather. No snow on the ground, the leaves on the bushes look alive, and JACKIE, FEZ, DONNA, ERIC, and HYDE, gathered around the Vista Cruiser, don’t even have jackets on._

_KELSO comes running through the garage to join them, dressed in athletic wear – including short shorts._

**KELSO** :

Hey, guys. It is literally a million degrees out. I’m wearing shorts in January! Have you ever seen prettier legs on a fella?

_He holds one out to show it off._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

It’s too bad they’ll be covered up when I’m struttin’ my stuff as the Snow King at the Snow Prom tomorrow. Me, Snow King. Doesn’t it kick ass? That campaign writing my name all over the place really paid off.

**ERIC:**

Kelso, you peed in the snow.

**KELSO** :

In cursive! It was awesome.

**JACKIE** :

I can’t believe you were chosen as Snow King and I wasn’t chosen to be Snow Queen.

**ERIC** :

Oh, you mean, the funniest thing ever?

_The others chuckle as Jackie sneers._

**JACKIE** :

Guys, this is serious. I used to be a rich, popular girl. But now that my dad’s cut me off, I’m not rich, and apparently, I’m also not popular. I’m nothing!

(to Donna)

Donna, how do you live like this?

**DONNA** :

Well, maybe you should spend less time worrying about being popular and more time being a good person.

**JACKIE** :

Donna, everyone knows that the way to tell if you’re a good person is when everyone likes you. And you know everyone likes you when you win titles like Snow Queen.

_She turns her nose up and walks away, Kelso in tow. The remaining gang move in closer together._

**DONNA** :

Hey, you know what? We should all go to Snow Prom together, in one car. All of us hanging out, laughing, driving – woo-hoo! Good times.

**ERIC** :

You need a ride, don’t you?

**DONNA** :

I so do. Pick me up at the radio station.

_She walks off, and the guys shrug._

**HYDE** :

All right. We’ll all go together.

**ERIC** :

Whoa, whoa. Hyde, you’re going to a school dance? You’re gonna stink bomb the teacher’s lounge, aren’t you? I want in!

**HYDE** :

No, man, kid stuff. See, during the dance, I’m going to throw a party in Coach Ferguson’s office. I’m bringing my best stuff.

**FEZ** :

A party with your best stuff? Are you saying what I think you’re saying?

**HYDE** :

You know it.

**FEZ** :

Oh, boy, you have a _pinata_?

_He gets giddy. Eric and Hyde shake their heads._

CUT TO:

**INT. SCHOOL - EVENING**

_The next night – Snow Prom. At the end of a lightly-decorated hallway, some kids catch a breather from the dance. Fez and BIG RHONDA chat with one group, while Jackie and Kelso – with crown, fur-trimmed flowing robe, and scepter – chat up another. Hyde and Eric stand apart near the center of the hall._

**ERIC** :

It’s weird. I feel like I’m forgetting something. I’ve got my watch, my wallet, my who-am-I-kidding condom...

**HYDE** :

Yeah, sounds like you got everything, except for a tall redhead.

**ERIC** :

Yeah. What man doesn’t love a tall red – oh, my God, Donna! I forgot Donna!

_He leaves behind a snickering Hyde as he races for the exit._

**MAIN CREDITS**

**BUMPER**

**INT. SCHOOL - EVENING**

_Moments later. “Take a Chance on Me” by ABBA blares through the halls. Kelso is now on parade, strutting up and down the halls, showing off his regalia. Jackie and Hyde watch from a few feet back, Jackie incensed and Hyde bored._

_A hand claps onto Hyde’s shoulder. He turns around to see COACH FERGUSON, dance chaperone, with a terrible suit and an ugly frown._

**FERGUSON** :

Mr. Hyde? In school after hours? What, are you trying to establish an alibi?

_Hyde straightens himself up and grins._

**HYDE** :

Coach Ferguson. Shouldn’t you be on the football field, teaching boys to play with balls?

_Coach Ferguson puts a warning finger in Hyde’s face._

**FERGUSON** :

Don’t push my buttons, wiseacre.

_He waves his clipboard in Hyde’s face before slinking off. He narrowly avoids a collision with Kelso, who is attempting spin tricks with his scepter, to partial success._

**JACKIE** :

(to Hyde)

How could I not make Snow Queen when Michael made Snow King? There had to be a mistake. It was fixed. Steven, what should I do?

**HYDE:**

Who cares? Jackie, popularity contests like that are pointless. I mean, look at Kelso. All being Snow King means is that he’s running around in a stupid hat and robe.

**JACKIE** :

Exactly! I mean, am I not pretty enough? Am I not cool enough? What did I need to do?

**HYDE** :

(pretends to think)

All right, I got something. While Coach Ferguson’s walking the floor, you can help me fumigate his office.

_Jackie crosses her arms and tries to look upset, but soon shrugs and follows behind Hyde as he slips down the hall._

_Kelso marches in place for the benefit of a modest crowd, pumping his scepter up and down. A TEACHER, another chaperone, enters from the gym and crosses to Kelso._

**TEACHER** :

I have a serious announcement. A tornado warning has just been issued. I’m told it’s code red. I don’t know the codes, but that sounds serious.

(to Kelso)

Michael, as Snow King, I need you to help spread the word. Get everybody into the gym.

_He hurries off. Kelso grins, punches the air; he’s excited for the responsibility. He stands up tall and sweeps his arms across the room for attention._

**KELSO** :

All right, everyone! Everyone, follow me!

_He marches confidently to the nearest door, throws it open... and reveals a sports closet full of different sorts of balls that all come tumbling out._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

Remain calm, people! These are just sports balls! Everyone grab a ball!

_He passes his scepter to the nearest kid and starts gathering balls._

CUT TO:

**EXT. ROAD – NIGHT**

_The faint light of evening, a blanket of clouds over the sky. Eric is behind the wheel of the Vista Cruiser. He pops an eight-track tape in and begins to head-bang to “Ridin’ the Storm Out” by REO Speedwagon._

**ERIC** :

All right.

_He keeps on jamming, not noticing at all the TORNADO that touches down behind him and moves across the road._

_Even over the music, Eric does hear the howling of the wind, but by the time he flips the tape off and looks behind him, the tornado has passed. Shrugging, he turns the tape back on and keeps rocking out, just in time for the tornado to move behind his car again._

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - EVENING**

_For once, the adults have the basement to themselves. RED sits in Hyde’s usual chair, BOB and JOANNE share the couch, and KITTY hurries down the stairs with a snack tray full of sandwiches._

**KITTY** :

Now, I’m just so worried about Eric. A tornado in January?

**RED** :

Yeah, life’s full of surprises. Like these two, showing up ‘cause they don’t have a basement.

_He glares at Bob and Joanne, even as they take sandwiches from Kitty’s tray and Kitty joins them on the couch._

**RED (cont’d):**

Surprise.

**JOANNE** :

Gee, Red, you seem grouchy. Surprise.

**KITTY** :

Red, if Eric gets caught in a tornado, he’ll get blown to Canada. He’s very light.

**RED** :

Kitty, the gym is the town’s bomb shelter. He’ll be fine. I just hope he’s not crying. Everybody knows he’s my kid.

**KITTY** :

Okay, you’re right. Eric’s fine. Let’s just talk about something else.

(laughs)

_Everyone considers an appropriate topic._

**BOB:**

Ooh! You know, Joanne taught me a lot about lady orgasms. They’ve been around longer than I thought.

_Red glares at Bob, and Joanne and Kitty share a look._

**KITTY** :

(beat)

Okay, so talking’s bad. I know, charades!

_Bob and Joanne seem agreeable, but Red stands and heads for the stairs._

**RED** :

No, thanks.

**JOANNE** :

What are you, chicken?

**RED** :

(beat)

Did you just call me chicken?

_Joanne just gives him a challenging look._

**RED (cont’d)** :

That’s it. Move the couch, Kitty. She’s going down.

_He rubs his hands together as the others hop off the couch._

**CUT TO:**

**INT. FERGUSON’S OFFICE – NIGHT**

_Evening’s given way to night by now; if not for the light of the hall coming in through the glass, the office would be black. Appropriately for a coach’s office, sports equipment takes up more space than papers or books._

_The door silently opens. Hyde and Jackie make their way inside. Hyde passes a bobby pin back to Jackie, who replaces it in her hair. She shuts the door behind them; Hyde immediately goes to the desk, sits down, and props his feet up._

**HYDE** :

Oh, yeah.

_Jackie pulls up a chair beside him. Hyde takes out his lighter and flicks it on._

_The door swings open again. Coach Ferguson hits the lights as he enters._

**FERGUSON** :

Busted, hophead.

_Jackie jumps to her feet and moves behind Hyde’s chair; Hyde remains where he is, only acknowledging the coach’s arrival by shutting his lighter._

**BUMPER**

**INT. STAIRWELL – NIGHT**

_Make-out stairwell – the designated spot for the couples of the Snow Prom to fool around. The lights are even off. From top to bottom, the staircase is full, with Fez and Rhonda smooching near the base of the stairs._

_The door opens. Kelso enters and hits the lights._

**KELSO** :

People of the make-out stairwell, this is your Snow King speaking.

**FEZ** :

Boo! Hit the lights, fool!

_No one else speaks up, or even looks up from their making out._

**KELSO** :

No, there’s a tornado. Everyone, go to the gym. The Snow King has spoken!

_Still no urgency; people start throwing things at Kelso, who steps back into the hall._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

All right, that’s gross. Who threw the retainer?

_He doesn’t wait for an answer but exits. No one else even moves from their position on the stairs. Rhonda, at least, seems worried. She pulls Fez into an embrace._

**RHONDA** :

Oh, my God, Fez! A tornado? This changes everything! This could be our last night here on Earth!

**FEZ** :

Oh, no. I’m going to die a virgin.

_Rhonda pulls back from their hug, holds him at arms’ length._

**RHONDA** :

Not if I have anything to say about it.

**FEZ** :

You can talk all you want, but there’s a tornado coming!

**RHONDA** :

Fez, I mean, let’s do it.

**FEZ** :

(beat)

It?

(Rhonda nods)

“It” it?

(She nods again)

All right!

_He jumps to his feet, makes it halfway under the staircase, then doubles back to grab Rhonda’s hand._

**FEZ (cont’d)** :

I’m going to need you.

_He grabs his jacket in the other hand, and they hurry off._

CUT TO:

**INT. RADIO STATION – NIGHT**

_An almost-empty control room. Donna, dressed for the dance, sits at the desk. She jumps to her feet as Eric enters._

**DONNA** :

Eric, you’re here!

**ERIC** :

Donna, look, I’m sorry I’m late, and I really did want to pick you up before the dance, so it’s no big deal, really.

**DONNA** :

No big deal? It’s a huge deal. I was in the back, filing records, and suddenly everyone was gone, and I was stuck here alone. And you risked the tornado for me.

_She gives him a big hug._

**ERIC** :

(beat)

Tornado? What tornado... could stop me from helping you?

(beat)

So, tell me, um, is the tornado, like, um...

(voice breaking)

Like, out there?

**DONNA** :

Yeah. They say it’s a biggie.

**ERIC:**

(voice breaking)

Oh.

**DONNA:**

Eric, are you okay?

**ERIC** :

(Beat)

Sure. Uh, it’s just that now that I know you’re okay... I can finally start worrying about me.

_He starts to fidget with his suit._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

And, see, the thing about me is...

_The lights cut out. The control room goes black._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

(whimpering)

I don’t wanna die!

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

**INT. RADIO STATION - NIGHT**

_It’s no longer completely black; a few candles have been found. They’re set out on the table as Donna and Eric sit across from one another._

**ERIC** :

So, what to do? Let’s see... there’s you, there’s me, candlelight... You know, back in the old days, we would have -

**DONNA** :

We’re not doing that.

**ERIC** :

Uh-huh, yeah, yeah. So quick to dismiss the thing you once ached for.

**DONNA** :

You mean cheese sticks?

**ERIC** :

If you want to call it that, sure.

**CUT TO:**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT**

_Charades under way. Hyde’s chair has been pushed back to make space. Red’s moved to the lawn chair. Bob and Joanne are still on the couch, Joanne now with pen and pencil handy and Bob with a timer. Kitty is up, shaking her hips around wildly._

**RED** :

(guessing)

Er, uh... gyrating. Uh, twisting. Uh... hips! You make me feel like hips!

_Kitty is too incredulous to go on. Not that it matters:_

**BOB** :

Hah! Time!

(indicates Joanne)

We win.

**KITTY** :

(to Red)

I was dancing! “You Make Me Feel Like _Hips_?”

**RED** :

(beat)

It could have been a song.

**JOANNE** :

Is it hard to lose, Red? ‘Cause you make it look so easy.

_Red just gives her a dirty look._

**BUMPER**

**INT. FERGUSON’S OFFICE – NIGHT**

_Everyone is on their feet. Hyde and Jackie stand on one side of the desk while Coach Ferguson leans over the other._

**FERGUSON** : 

You two are in big trouble.

**HYDE** :

This calls for a suspension. I need a vacation.

**JACKIE** :

No, I cannot get suspended. Losing Snow Queen was bad enough, but if I get suspended, I won’t even get a “most likely to” caption in the yearbook!

**FERGUSON** :

Zip it, missy. You’re lucky I don’t paddle you.

_Jackie takes a step back, and Hyde moves between her and the coach._

**HYDE:**

Hey. If we’re talking that kind of punishment, I’m happy to help dish it out.

_He chuckles, Ferguson scowls, and Jackie slaps Hyde in the arm._

_Kelso enters, still in full regalia._

**KELSO** :

A tornado’s coming. It’s code red.

_All of Coach Ferguson’s bluster vanishes. He clutches at his tie, seems to shrink down._

**FERGUSON** :

A tornado? Deadly spirals of wind really freak me out.

**HYDE** :

All right, Coach Girlie. Calm down.

**FERGUSON** :

I can’t die yet! There’s so much I haven’t experienced!

**HYDE** :

(grinning)

I bet I know one thing you haven’t experienced.

CUT TO:

_THE CIRCLE. Coach Ferguson has become much more chill about the situation. “Feels like the First Time” by Foreigner plays on his record player._

**FERGUSON:**

Tornadoes get a bad rap, man. It’s not like _The Wizard of Oz_. I mean, where are the midgets? I bet I could bench, like, ten midgets.

_Pan to Hyde, rifling through a box._

**HYDE** :

(to Ferguson)

Hey, look at all the stuff you confiscated.

(holds up switchblade)

Mine.

(holds up air horn)

Mine.

(holds up sexy calendar)

Ooh-la-la, mine now.

_Pan to Jackie, who’s taken a squirt gun from the box._

**JACKIE** :

Why am I not Snow Queen? For the last two weeks, I was nice to everybody. Well, maybe not the A.V. Club, but I mean, come on!

_Pan to Kelso._

**KELSO** :

Jackie, you can’t just be nice for two weeks. You have to be nice all the time. Or very handsome. Oh, my banana nose!

(takes from the box, puts it on)

Oh, I thought this was gone forever. Ha, it’s still funny!

_Pan to Ferguson._

**FERGUSON** :

(chuckles)

Hey, Hyde, when this is all over, you think we’ll still be friends?

_Pan to Hyde._

**HYDE** :

Well, my head says no, but my heart says no. So, no.

(to Jackie & Kelso)

I wonder what Donna and Forman are doing right now?

CUT TO:

**INT. RADIO STATION – NIGHT**

_ANOTHER CIRCLE. “Still the One” by Orleans fills the station. Donna’s got the giggles._

**DONNA** :

This is the best tornado ever.

_Pan to Eric._

**ERIC** :

I know! And who better to be stuck here with than America’s most beloved rock band - ladies and gentlemen, Aerosmith!

_Pan to a cardboard cutout of Steven Tyler. Eric reaches over to shake it._

**ERIC (v.o.)** :

(doing Tyler)

Hey, as rock legends, we’ve had some pretty good times. But it doesn’t get any better than this. Hello, Wisconsin!

_Pan to a cardboard cutout of Joe Perry._

**ERIC (v.o.):**

Yeah, I dig this joint too. Hello, Wisconsin.

_Pan to Donna._

**DONNA** :

(to Eric)

That was your Aerosmith? You’re bad at that. Steven Tyler is way cooler, and Joe Perry is so dreamy. God, you’re bad at that!

_Pan to Eric._

**ERIC** :

What? That was dead-on! Right, guys?

_Pan to Tyler’s cutout, which now boasts a working mouth._

**TYLER (Eric’s v.o.)** :

I bought it.

_Pan to Perry’s cutout, also with a mouth._

**PERRY (Eric’s v.o.)** :

You, uh, really think I’m dreamy?

_It winks._

_Pan to a dumbfounded Donna._

**DONNA** :

Whoa. The station manager’s stuff is way better than ours.

_Pan to Eric._

**ERIC:**

Hey, I wonder what Hyde and the gang are doing right now?

CUT TO:

**INT. FERGUSON’S OFFICE – NIGHT**

_The Circle is still going strong. Jackie is using her squirt gun to squirt water into her mouth._

**JACKIE** :

You know, I wish tornadoes did work like _The Wizard of Oz_. I could ride this one out to see the Wizard, and maybe then I’d understand what’s going on.

_She looks up, and we fade to:_

**EXT. YELLOW BRICK ROAD – DAY**

_FANTASY SEQUENCE. The Yellow Brick Road in the Land of Oz, just different enough from the movie to dodge a lawsuit. Jackie, as Dorothy, walks down the road and through the field of poppies, with a stuffed unicorn tucked under her arm as TOTO._

_Kelso, as the Scarecrow, staggers out from the fields._

**KELSO** :

Jackie, why’d you make me the Scarecrow? He needs a brain.

**JACKIE** :

No, no. I made you the Scarecrow... because you love chasing birds.

**KELSO** :

(beat)

I do love chasing birds.

**JACKIE** :

Okay!

_They link arms and continue down the road, until they’re stopped by Hyde as the Tin Man._

**HYDE** :

Is this some kind of joke? ‘Cause I’m not laughing.

(looks Kelso over)

Kelso’s the Scarecrow? (laughs)

_Jackie links arms with him, and the three of them continue down the road until they’re stopped by Fez as the Cowardly Lion._

**FEZ** :

Look, guys! I’m a bear.

**JACKIE** :

Fez, you’re the Cowardly Lion.

**FEZ** :

But I want to be a bear.

**KELSO** :

At least you got a brain.

**HYDE** :

This sucks.

**JACKIE** :

Oh, will everyone just shut up? You can be whatever you want when it’s your trip.

**FEZ** :

(under his breath)

I want to be a bear.

_He joins the link, and they continue up the road until they’re stopped by Donna as the Wicked Witch of the West._

**DONNA** :

Jackie, what the hell?

_Eric, as a flying monkey, hops out of the fields and laughs at Donna._

**ERIC** :

She totally made you a witch. That’s so awesome!

**DONNA** :

She made you a flying monkey.

**ERIC** :

What?

_He stands up straight, looks himself over._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Oh, crap.

**DONNA** :

(points at Jackie)

Let’s kick her ass!

**ERIC** :

Yeah!

_The Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Lion all break the link and turn on Jackie. Screaming, she runs down the road, the others in pursuit._

CUT TO:

**INT. THRONE ROOM – DAY**

_Jackie has reached the Wizard’s lair in the Emerald City, alone. The giant, floating green head of Red as the Wizard is before her, while Kitty, as Glinda the Good, stands next to her._

**RED** :

(to Jackie)

Is this because I’m bald? That hurts.

**KITTY** :

Oh, relax, Red, it isn’t just because you’re bald. It’s also because you’re grouchy.

(laughs, turns to Jackie)

And thank you, dear, I’m flattered.

_She indicates her dress. Jackie looks up at Red._

**JACKIE** :

Mr. Wizard, I’m confused. I lost Snow Queen, and I don’t understand why.

**RED** :

Who cares?

_The gang, still in their Oz personas, enter._

**HYDE** :

(to Jackie)

Told ya.

**RED** :

(to Jackie)

You have a roof over your head, an American flag flying over your yard, and your crook father has the greasiest palms in the whole damn town. You need some dumb high school title like I need a kick in the ass.

_Kitty glances nervously at Red, then puts a hand on Jackie’s shoulder._

**KITTY** :

And you also have friends who love you no matter what, and that’s so much more important than winning a silly popularity contest. And besides, honey, it’s not like you don’t have another shot at it. You’re only a sophomore!

(laughs)

**JACKIE** :

You’re right, Miss Glinda! I will have another shot! And now I have a whole year to campaign!

**RED** :

(to the gang)

She didn’t take in a word I said.

**DONNA** :

Yeah, that happens a lot.

_Those words echo as Jackie gives Kitty a hug, and we cut to:_

**INT. FERGUSON’S OFFICE – NIGHT**

_Back to reality. Jackie’s head bobs, her mouth in a contented grin._

_Pan to Kelso, still in banana nose, staring at Jackie._

_Pan to Coach Ferguson, jaw slack, staring at Jackie._

_Pan to Hyde, snickering and nodding approvingly at Jackie._

**HYDE** :

Congratulations, Jackie. You may not have won Snow Queen, but with that vivid and mildly insulting hallucination, you just took the title “Queen Mary Jane.”

_He offers his hand, and Jackie’s reaches over to give him a high-five._

**BUMPER**

**INT. STAIRWELL – NIGHT**

_Another stairwell. Fez and Rhonda, still looking for a spot to do it, come onto the mid-landing._

**FEZ** :

Ah, our own private stairwell.

(to Rhonda)

This is exactly how I pictured losing my virginity. Except it was on a bed of flowers and there were two of you.

_He begins unbuttoning his shirt, and Rhonda slips off her corsage. They don’t get too far, however, before the teacher comes down the stairs behind them._

**TEACHER** :

Tornado passed through, is heading to Illinois. Kiss my ass, Chicago!

_He heads right back up the stairs._

_Fez keeps undressing, pulling his shirt off once it’s fully opened, but Rhonda staggers down the stairs._

**RHONDA** :

Oh, my God! We’re safe. Sex just doesn’t seem important anymore!

_Fez hurries after her._

**FEZ** :

I... I disagree. And – and here’s why -

**RHONDA** :

Let’s go celebrate with everyone!

_She snorts, heads down the stairs, and exits the stairwell. Fez throws his head to the sky._

**FEZ** :

Oh, you can make a tornado, but you can’t let me do it? Oh, you are not a just God!

CUT TO:

**INT. FERGUSON’S OFFICE - NIGHT**

_Post-Circle. Hyde has his feet up on the desk, Coach Ferguson is still lit, Kelso packs the contraband box back up, and Jackie is asleep._

_The teacher opens the door, sticks his head in._

**TEACHER:**

Tornado’s passed us over. All clear.

_Ferguson rises, follows him out._

_Kelso stands, hands the box to Hyde, who takes a permanent marker from it._

**HYDE** :

Well, I lived my dream. Let’s go.

**KELSO** :

Wait. We can’t just leave Jackie here like that.

**HYDE** :

You’re right.

_He bends over and draws a unibrow onto her forehead._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

Okay, we’re good.

_He and Kelso grin and head out._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT**

_The game’s changed. Red is back in Hyde’s chair, and the others share the couch, as Monopoly is laid out on the coffee table. Red shakes the dice in his hand._

**RED** :

Okay. No six. No six. And...

(rolls)

Six!

_Joanne and Bob both start to laugh. Joanne even moves the Forman’s piece for them._

**BOB** :

(to Red)

Park Place. Pay up.

_He doesn’t even wait for Red, just snatches the money from their stack._

**KITTY** :

(to Red)

I told you we shouldn’t spend all our money on Marvin Gardens.

**RED** :

Oh, and Baltic Avenue was such a help.

**KITTY** :

I bought that with my beauty contest winnings!

**JOANNE** :

Poor Red, losing again. While we have this large housing development that I like to call Joanne Land. Where’s Red Land?

_She mimes searching for Red Land as Bob chuckles._

**RED** : 

I’ll tell you where it is. It’s right up your -

**KITTY** :

Wait, wait, wait.

_She shushes everyone and gestures to the TV. Bob turns the volume up._

**REPORTER (v.o.)** :

_This just in. The National Weather Service has canceled the tornado warning. And updating our top story, a local teen is in critical condition..._

_Bob and Joanne both breathe sighs of relief. Red and Kitty look to one another. Red quickly folds up the board game, and he and Kitty both stand._

**KITTY** :

Oh, game over. Call it a tie.

**BOB** :

A tie? We had all the money.

**RED:**

So? We had the get-out-of-jail-free card. And you can’t put a price on freedom.

_He heads up the stairs._

**KITTY:**

(to Bob & Joanne)

Night-night.

_She follows after Red as Bob and Joanne shake their heads._

**BUMPER**

**INT. RADIO STATION - NIGHT**

_The power is back on. Donna moves through the control room, extinguishing candles, while Eric sits on the table._

**DONNA** :

This was fun. We haven’t just hung out in, like, forever. Plus, you’re, like, my hero. Most guys would not risk a tornado for an ex-girlfriend.

**ERIC** :

Yeah.

_He and Donna both chuckle._

_Eric stands, crosses over to Donna. He pulls her in close and kisses her. After a moment’s hesitation, she returns the kiss._

_They break apart._

**DONNA** :

Wow.

**ERIC** :

Yeah, well, I just wanted to kiss you... before you found out that I went to the dance, forgot you, and I didn’t know about the tornado. Okay, this was swell.

_He walks away toward the door. Donna follows, jaw hanging._

**DONNA:**

Wait, wait, wait. So, you forgot me?

**ERIC** :

(beat)

Okay, you’re mad.

**DONNA** :

(beat)

Actually, no. I mean, if we were still dating, I’d be super pissed. But we’re not, so it’s kind of funny.

**ERIC** :

You know what? Let me buy you a burger.

_Donna gathers her purse._

**DONNA** :

I can’t believe you totally snaked a kiss under false pretenses.

**ERIC** :

Yeah, I’m a little proud of that, yeah.

_He gathers his coat, and off they go._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**CREDITS**

**INT. SCHOOL - NIGHT**

_The dance is back underway. Hyde, Kelso, Jackie, Fez, and Rhonda all stand together in a circle, chatting. TWO GIRLS come up behind Jackie and tap her on the shoulder._

**GIRL 1** :

Hey, Jackie, we heard you were part of the party that crashed Coach F’s office? Nice.

_Jackie turns around, smiles at them. Their eyes flick up to her marker unibrow, and they walk away laughing._

_Jackie turns back to the group._

**JACKIE** :

People have been doing that all night. I think I’m a shoo-in for next year!

_Beaming, she heads into the bathroom._

_Hyde takes a step apart from the group to look them over._

**HYDE** :

We all ready?

_Kelso’s barely choking down a laugh._

**KELSO** :

Yeah.

_Jackie’s scream pierces through the bathroom door. The gang take off down the hallway, Kelso leading the way with his scepter held high._

**END.**


	17. J/H 4-18: Kelso's Career

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is another partial script, and one I went back on forth on whether I'd include in this rewrite project. As I've said before, it's been a challenge not to shortchange other storylines, especially the relationship between Jackie and Kelso, which gets a sweet moment at the end of this episode as-is. But I finally hit on an idea I liked well enough, and I think worked well enough, to go with.
> 
> (Following production order, we assume that 4-16, "Class Picture," and 4-17, "Donna Dates a Kelso," are without changes.)
> 
> Imagine that the front half of the episode as just as you know it, and the second half remains the same up until the scene where Fez is down to his last candy...

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY**

_Another day closer to Valentine’s Day. The TV plays softly in the background. HYDE watches from his chair, FEZ from one end of the couch, and JACKIE, dressed for the Cheese Palace, from the other. Fez has his heart-shaped box of candies in his hands. Only one piece of chocolate remains. He looks down at it, forlorn._

**FEZ** :

Rhonda is going to be so disappointed. All that remains is one lonely candy.

_He picks up that lonely candy, and it lifts the protective paper up too. Underneath is another collection of chocolates, lining the whole bottom of the box._

**FEZ (cont’d):**

(gasps)

Look! More candies! It’s a Valentine’s Day miracle.

_Beaming, he looks down at the candies. His smile slips._

**FEZ (cont’d)** :

Oh, candy, you tempt me in with your spell!

_He tosses the box onto the coffee table, flips back behind the couch, and runs upstairs as fast as he can._

_As soon as Fez is out of sight, Hyde picks up the candy box, takes a piece, and then holds it out to Jackie._

**HYDE** :

Chocolate, darling?

_Jackie giggles, scoots over, and takes a piece._

**JACKIE** :

Why, honey, you shouldn’t have.

**HYDE** :

Anything for you, dear.

_They share a grin, finish off their pilfered pieces, and stand._

**HYDE:**

All right, let’s go.

**JACKIE:**

Thanks again for driving me to the mall. My dad won’t let me drive the Lincoln anymore, and I haven’t been able to get a hold of Michael all day.

**HYDE:**

Yeah, he’s probably grinding away.

**JACKIE:**

What are you talking about?

**HYDE:**

You know, puttin’ in the time. Big days at the office. Rollin’ up his sleeves, gettin’ a little sweaty.

**JACKIE:**

(thinks)

Oh, my God! Michael got a job? I am so proud of him! This is so exciting!

(to Hyde)

Do you know where he works? Do we have time to go by and visit? I wanna surprise him.

**HYDE:**

Jackie, that’s...

(grins)

Such a great idea!

_For very different reasons, they both smile. They grab their coats and head out the door._

_Only moments after they’ve gone, Fez comes charging down the stairs. He throws himself over the back of the couch, scoops up the box of chocolates as he slides across the coffee table, and starts chomping down on them once he flips over and lands on his ass in front of the TV._

*******

**INT. MADISON CLINIC -DAY**

_KELSO leans on the reception desk, fresh from “work.” He hands the key back to the RECEPTIONIST._

**KELSO:**

Here you are. And I trust that you’ll once again be happy with how many of my special men I was able to press into service.

_The receptionist raises an eyebrow._

**RECEPTIONIST** :

Once again, it’s “specimen.”

_Behind them, the door opens, and in walk Jackie and Hyde. Jackie’s eyes dart all over the clinic, bugging out more and more as she takes in where they are. Hyde stands just behind her, grinning and nodding._

_Kelso turns around, sees them._

**KELSO:**

Jackie? What are you doing here?

**JACKIE:**

Me? Michael, why are _you_ here? What is this place?

**KELSO:**

It’s the clinic. I’m working.

**JACKIE:**

What kind of work?

**KELSO** :

I’ve been selling my love nectar.

_Jackie’s jaw drops. Hyde puts a hand over his mouth to hide his snickering._

**KELSO (cont’d):**

You know, if you wanna come into the room with me, that’d probably speed things up.

**RECEPTIONIST** :

You can’t do that here.

**KELSO** :

(to receptionist)

Well, damn, lady, what else is this clinic even for?

(to Jackie)

Anyway, I’ve been putting in a lot of double shifts, so I finally have enough cash to get you something nice for Valentine’s Day.

**JACKIE** :

Are you telling me that my Valentine’s gift is getting paid for by you pleasuring yourself?

**KELSO** :

Jackie, they say do what you love, and the money will come.

_Jackie takes another, long look around the room. Kelso smiles at her; very reluctantly, she smiles back, even as she edges away from him toward the door._

_Hyde, still grinning, looks from her to Kelso._

**HYDE** :

Can I just say, this went even better than I thought it would.

_He laughs, even as Jackie glares at him and Kelso looks over, dumbstruck._

*******

**CREDITS**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY**

_Valentine’s Day. Hyde is in his chair, ERIC, DONNA, and Jackie share the couch, Kelso kneels by the end of the couch Jackie sits at, and Fez is in the lawn chair. All eyes are on Jackie and Kelso; Kelso has a jeweler’s box, opened and turned to Jackie to show off the earrings inside._

**KELSO** :

So? What do you think?

_Jackie takes a big breath and slowly nods._

**JACKIE** :

They are gorgeous, Michael.

**KELSO** :

So take ‘em.

_Jackie looks around the room at the others. Their eyes all go to the box, then to Kelso. Very slowly, they all stand and creep back toward Hyde’s room, never turning their backs on Kelso or the box. Kelso looks over at them in confusion as Jackie puts a hand to her head._

**END.**


	18. J/H 4-20: Jackie's Cheese Squeeze

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another partial rewrite...but this one is much more Zen-heavy ;) Basically, every scene dealing with the "secret squirrel" runner has been rewritten with a new runner involving Hyde.
> 
> We assume that, in this timeline, 4-19 ("Leo Loves Kitty") is without changes.

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY**

_ERIC stands in front of the TV. Before him sit HYDE in his chair and DONNA and FEZ on the couch. He has their full attention._

**ERIC** :

I saw Jackie making out with the guy from the cheese shop! The little guy!

_Donna breaks into a huge grin, Fez’s jaw drops, and Hyde folds his arms and scowls._

**DONNA** :

No way!

**ERIC** :

Oh, yeah. She was chompin’ on the cheddar.

**DONNA** :

She was swapping spit with the Swiss?

**ERIC** :

She was gettin’ the Gouda.

**FEZ** :

Ooh, ooh! She was... doing it with the dairy?

**ERIC** :

(beat)

Fez, not bad, man!

_He chuckles, Fez smiles, and Donna pats Fez on the back._

_Eric looks over at Hyde._

**ERIC** :

Hey, Hyde, buddy? You want in?

**FEZ:**

Yes, we have just learned information that could crush the very heart and soul of one of our best friends. You live for days like this!

**HYDE** :

Guys, this isn’t funny.

**DONNA** :

Yeah, I guess he’s right. I mean, Kelso used to cheat on Jackie, like, all the time. If all she did was kiss this guy, then you could call it Kelso’s just desserts.

**ERIC** :

What, you mean Jackie chewing on the cheesecake?

_Donna and Fez snicker as Hyde stands._

**HYDE** :

No, man. Jackie finally gets fed up with Kelso and she starts making out with Captain Curd? What a load of crap!

**DONNA** :

Wow, Hyde, you’re really upset. Now, why would Jackie kissing some random cheese guy bother you so much?

_She, Fez, and Eric all grin and look to him. Hyde’s shades don’t quite hide the nervous darting of his eyes._

**HYDE** :

(beat)

That’s my student out there, man, my grasshopper! I can’t have her locking lips with losers on the bottom rung of the food service industry!

_He looks over his friends, seeing if they buy it; they clearly don’t._

**HYDE (cont’d):**

The honor of the dojo’s on the line here!

_They all just keep grinning._

**HYDE (cont’d):**

Ah, get bent!

_He stomps off to his room as the others break down laughing._

*******

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY**

_The gang’s all here, but one. KELSO sits in the lawn chair. Eric, Fez, and Donna all sit on the couch (Eric up on its back) and Hyde sits in his chair._

_JACKIE enters through the basement door. Eric looks up at her, grins, and turns to the others._

**ERIC** :

Oh, hey, guys! It’s Kelso’s loyal girlfriend, Jackie!

**DONNA & FEZ**:

(teasing)

Hi, Jackie!

_They smile up at her. Hyde turns to face the TV, his arms crossed._

**JACKIE** :

(beat)

Okay... I’m not here to stay. I just came to get Michael.

(to Kelso)

Come on.

**ERIC** :

Oh, no, stay. We’re just gonna hang out and fool around. We all know how much you like to... fool around.

_He gives her a telling look. Jackie edges away from him and taps Kelso on the shoulder._

**JACKIE** :

Okay, Michael, come on. Let’s go to the Hub.

**KELSO** :

No, I wanna stay here and fool around.

_He smiles at the others, who all smile back sans Hyde and Jackie._

**ERIC** :

So, hey, Jackie, how’s it going down at the cheese shop? You must be so tired from... giving it away at the mall.

_Jackie glares at Eric, who just looks right back._

**HYDE** :

It sickens me.

_All eyes snap to him, though it takes him a moment to realize he spoke aloud and pulled focus._

**HYDE** :

(beat)

Corporations using free samples to lure the masses into gorging at the feed bags of their factory farmed dairy. I want no part of it!

_He turns in his chair so his back is to the others._

**KELSO** :

I think it’d be fun to be a dairy farmer. I’ve always wondered if those udders on a cow feel like boobs.

_Jackie rolls her eyes and slaps Kelso’s arm._

**JACKIE** :

Come on, Michael, let’s go!

**ERIC:**

No, let’s stay! We could play Monopoly. Oh, but that wouldn’t be much fun since we all know that... Jackie cheats.

**JACKIE** :

I do not!

**KELSO** :

Oh, you do cheat. We’ve all caught you.

_Jackie squirms on her feet as Eric, Donna, and Fez snicker._

*******

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY**

_THE CIRCLE. Kelso is halfway between a grin and a grimace. Elton John’s “Saturday Night’s Alright (For Fighting)” plays on the radio._

**KELSO:**

You guys are never gonna believe this – Jackie cheated on me. WITH THE CHEESE GUY!

_Pan to Hyde, just as upset as Kelso. His raised fist trembles as he glares out into space._

_Pan to Kelso._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

I know. I was speechless too.

_Pan to Fez._

**FEZ** :

Well, thank God all she did was kiss him.

_Pan to Kelso._

**KELSO** :

I guess, but... wait. How did you know all she did was kiss him?

_Pan to Fez._

**FEZ** :

Kiss? Ah... I didn’t say “kiss.” Don’t make fun of my accent.

_Pan to Kelso._

**KELSO** :

That cheese guy’s lucky he’s a little fella, or I’d kick his ass. Just – BOOM! Right in the ass!

_Pan to Hyde._

**HYDE** :

Hey, man, you gotta kick his ass. Like on _Fantasy Island_ , if Tattoo took one of Mr. Roarke’s women up to his little tower and put it to her, Roarke would slap that little dude like a drunk southern widow! And then he’d hit him off with some vicious voodoo.

_Pan to a laughing Donna._

**DONNA** :

Voodoo on Tattoo. Voodoo... Tattoo... peek-a-boo! Honeydew... kung-fu... goo goo g’joob!

(beat)

I’m done.

*******

**INT. MALL - DAY**

_Kelso’s on the warpath. He struts through the courtyard with Hyde, Donna, and Fez in tow. They make a beeline for the Cheese Palace, where TODD is taking inventory. Kelso gets right up in his face, with Hyde right beside him and Donna and Fez standing off to one side._

**KELSO** : 

Your ass is mine, cheese puff!

**TODD** :

How did you know my nickname?

**KELSO** :

Wait – your nickname’s “cheese puff?”

_Todd nods. Hyde smacks Kelso on the arm._

**HYDE** :

(to Kelso)

Stay focused – kick his ass!

**KELSO:**

Yeah, right! Good! Yeah!

(to Todd)

What do you think you’re doing, kissing my girlfriend, huh? Huh?

**TODD** :

Well, maybe if you paid more attention to that gorgeous creature than your little modeling gig, it wouldn’t have happened.

**KELSO** :

Little? That picture sold hundreds of young men’s briefs all over the greater Kenosha area!

**FEZ** :

It’s true. I bought three pairs. Very supportive!

**KELSO** :

Yeah!

(to Todd)

So look – I know you’re a little fella, but I can’t let you go around kissing my girlfriend, so you’re gonna have to take a punch.

**TODD** :

I understand.

_Hyde circles around to Todd’s left and puts his dukes up as Kelso gives a solid jab to Todd’s gut. Todd, grinning like a madman, looks up at Kelso._

**HYDE:**

(beat)

Okay, that didn’t work.

**TODD** :

Well, I guess it’s my turn.

_He slowly advances toward Kelso, who backs up along with Hyde._

**KELSO** :

Hey – I didn’t mean to scare you, little guy -

_He grabs a serving tray off one of the decorative barrels and holds it up between himself and Todd. With one punch, Todd splits the board in two._

**TODD** :

I’m a black belt.

_Kelso and Hyde look to each other, Fez grabs Donna’s arm, and Donna’s jaw drops._

**DONNA** :

I did _not_ see that coming!

*******

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT**

_As Eric promised, he and Jackie wait for Kelso, but they have company. While Eric paces the room, Fez sits in the lawn chair, and Donna and Hyde sit on either side of Jackie on the couch. Hyde has a busted lip._

**JACKIE** :

And I’ve just had such a hard time lately that I guess I was open to any sign of affection.

**DONNA** :

Well, that’s understandable. It’s just too bad it had to happen with your boss.

(to Hyde)

Right, Hyde?

_Donna grins, and Jackie looks to Hyde. He looks straight ahead, his arms crossed._

**HYDE** :

(to Jackie)

You stay away from that cheese guy. Corporate stooge and kung-fu fighter? That combination shouldn’t be allowed to exist.

_Kelso comes running down the stairs. Jackie stands and crosses to meet him._

**KELSO** :

All right, look. Jackie, here’s the deal: you cheated on me.

**JACKIE** :

You used to cheat on me all the time.

**KELSO** :

Yeah? Well... yeah.

_As he considers that, Jackie crosses, sits on the deep freeze._

**KELSO (cont’d):**

(following Jackie)

But you cheated out of hate, and I cheated out of joy.

_Jackie shakes her head._

**JACKIE** :

I didn’t cheat out of hate, Michael. I cheated because, lately, you’ve been acting like I don’t exist.

**KELSO** :

Well, I sure know you exist now that you’ve frenched the whole mall!

_Fez “oohs;” Hyde cuts him off with a look._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

Look, I know that I need to pay more attention to you, and I want to forgive you, but I have all this anger built up inside of me and nowhere to put it.

_Jackie considers that for a moment, smiles._

**JACKIE** :

Eric knew about the kiss all along and didn’t tell you.

_Kelso turns and glowers at Eric._

**KELSO:**

(to Eric)

You knew?

**ERIC** :

Jackie!

**JACKIE** :

What’d you expect?

**KELSO** :

(beat)

You’re a dead man, Forman.

_He charges. Eric makes it to the basement door and up the stairs, and Kelso follows in pursuit._

_Jackie hops off the deep freeze. Hyde stands and crosses to her._

**HYDE** :

Look, Jackie - I get where you’re coming from, feeling the brush-off and all, but you gotta find better ways to deal with it.

**JACKIE** :

I know.

**FEZ** :

Or maybe you just need a better fellow to kiss. Now, who could Hyde have in mind for that?

_He and Donna each give Hyde a smug grin. A confused Jackie looks to him to explain their behavior, but Hyde shakes his head._

**HYDE** :

If you’re having a problem with Kelso, then you’ve gotta go straight to Kelso.

**JACKIE** :

What, you mean, talk to him? Steven, I just did that.

**HYDE** :

(nods)

That’s one option.

_The basement door flies open. Eric comes tearing through the basement._

**ERIC** :

I doubled back, but he’s still behind me!

_He races up the stairs just as Kelso comes back in through the basement door. He starts after Eric, but Hyde sticks his foot out, and Kelso goes crashing into the dryer._

_From the floor, Kelso lets out a low moan._

**KELSO** :

That’s both my eyes!

_Hyde grins, nods toward Kelso’s body on the ground._

**HYDE** :

(to Jackie)

That’s another.

_Jackie tries and fails to choke down a laugh._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And, as a bonus: a single scene in 4-22, "Eric's Corvette Caper," offered an opening to slip in just a little bit of Zen:
> 
> ***
> 
> EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - NIGHT
> 
> With the car gone, the garage is empty. DONNA and JACKIE cut through it on their way back from the Kelso house.
> 
> DONNA:  
> Well, we spent three hours in Casey’s room, and all we found out is that he collects mud flaps.
> 
> JACKIE:  
> Yeah, but all that snooping gave me such a rush. Hey – let’s go to the mall and shoplift some lip gloss.
> 
> DONNA:  
> (beat)  
> Okay, you’ve been spending time with Hyde again, haven’t you?
> 
> Jackie shrugs. Donna rolls her eyes.
> 
> DONNA (cont’d):  
> I’m just gonna go home and finish my chemistry homework.  
> (beat)  
> Oh, no!
> 
> CUT TO:
> 
> INT. CASEY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
> 
> Tight shot on a pile of Donna’s books on the desk.
> 
> CUT TO:
> 
> EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – NIGHT
> 
> Donna reaches out to Jackie.
> 
> DONNA:  
> I left my chemistry book on Casey’s desk, and he comes back tomorrow!
> 
> JACKIE:  
> So? We’ll just go back and get it.
> 
> DONNA:  
> Jackie, I already went over there all, “where’s Casey?” Now if I got back all, “where’s my book?” Kelso won’t believe that, and then he’ll think I’m a goob, and then he’ll tell Casey that I’m a goob!
> 
> JACKIE:  
> Okay, okay – look. We’ll wait ‘til later tonight, then sneak back in and get it.
> 
> DONNA:  
> How?
> 
> JACKIE:  
> Steven showed me how to flip window latches from the outside. And besides, Casey’s got this really great clock radio I really want.


	19. J/H 4-24: Eric's False Alarm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another partial re-write - the last one of Season 4, I promise. Context for all of these should be clear to anyone familiar with the episode, as these are more adjustments than wholesale rewrites.

**SHOW TITLE**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY**

_A quiet afternoon. HYDE in his chair and FEZ on the couch trade jabs with one another. “What’s Your Name” by Lynyrd Skynyrd plays on the radio._

_JACKIE enters through the basement door, dressed for work at the Cheese Palace. She has a bag full of cheese cubes in her hand._

**JACKIE** :

Okay, boys. I brought cheese samples from work.

**HYDE** :

What’s wrong with ‘em?

**JACKIE:**

Nothing.

(beat)

Well, they were in the trash.

_Hyde and Fez share a look._

**HYDE/FEZ** :

Cool./Bring it over.

_Jackie hands them the bag, and they dig in as she sits._

_KELSO enters, also through the door, and makes for the deep freeze._

**KELSO** :

Hey. You know how my brother locks me in a closet with a pillowcase full of dead fish until the stink makes me cry? Well, while I was in there, I heard him make a phone call. And it seems that he’s got a little surprise for Donna tonight.

_Popsicle in hand, he sits between Jackie and Fez on the couch._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

The honeymoon suite at that French motel in Kenosha.

**JACKIE** :

The Le Motel?

**FEZ** :

Oh, no. It sounds like Donna and Casey are going to _le_ do it.

**KELSO** :

Yeah. Eric’s gonna freak out when we tell him.

**HYDE** :

Then why would we tell him?

**KELSO** :

To watch him freak out.

**HYDE** :

Kelso, he’s gonna take it really hard, man. We just need to keep our mouths shut.

**KELSO** :

Wow. That’s very considerate of Eric’s feelings. What the hell, man?

_He scoffs, crosses to the record player._

**HYDE** :

I just think that we all need to zip it.

(to Fez)

Especially you.

**FEZ** :

Hey, I can keep a secret. I didn’t tell Kelso you took five bucks from his wallet.

**KELSO** :

(gasps)

Hyde!

_Hyde shrugs, gives Fez a sour look._

**JACKIE** :

None of you guys can keep a secret.

**KELSO** :

Well, you sure can. Especially when it’s about you kissing other guys.

_Jackie stands, crosses to him._

**JACKIE** :

Michael, it was one guy from work. And I told you I’m sorry.

**KELSO** :

Well, tell me again, and this time, maybe you should cry or give me money.

**JACKIE** :

No, Michael. I’m not going to beg for forgiveness. I didn’t make you do that when you cheated with Pam Macy or Laurie.

**HYDE** :

Don’t forget the Sacred Heart chick and Mrs. Ferguson.

_Jackie nods, at Hyde and Kelso in turn._

**KELSO** :

(sputtering)

That is totally different. When guys cheat, it’s because they need some hot action. But when girls cheat, it’s way worse, ‘cause girls don’t even like sex.

**JACKIE** :

We do too!

**KELSO** :

Then why aren’t we doing it now?

**JACKIE** :

Because I don’t want to do it right now.

**KELSO:**

I do, point made! Thank you!

_He nods triumphantly, Jackie throws her arms up and goes back to the couch, and Hyde shakes his head._

*******

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – EVENING**

_THE CIRCLE. ERIC stirs in his seat._

**ERIC** :

Well, I called the Le Motel. Fez, you were right. Casey has a reservation for tonight.

_Pan to Fez._

**FEZ** :

And Hyde, you were right. I cannot keep a secret.

_Pan to Kelso, a slip of paper with a phone number scribbled across it in his hand._

**KELSO** :

Speaking of secrets, look what I found in Jackie’s cheese. Some guy Phil’s phone number. I can’t take this anymore. I just know it, Hyde. She’s cheating on me again!

_Pan to Hyde._

**HYDE** :

Well, whaddya know? Two more, and you two might be even.

(to Eric)

Forman, man, you gotta be cool about this Donna thing, or she’s gonna know you’re jealous.

_Pan to Eric._

**ERIC** :

Whoa. Hey, you guys, I’m not jealous. I’m just looking out for her. I mean, Donna’s practically a sister to me. A tall, shapely sister. Who I’ve done it with. About a million times.

_Pan to Hyde._

**HYDE** :

Look, maybe Donna and Casey won’t even do it tonight. I’d call it 50-50.

_Pan to Eric._

**ERIC:**

You would?

_Pan to Hyde._

**HYDE** :

Oh, I’d be wrong. But I’d call it that to keep you from doing something stupid.

_Pan to Kelso._

**KELSO** :

Forman, you gotta do something stupid. Sitting around feeling helpless all day – that isn’t healthy. That’s why I’m gonna stalk Jackie.

_Pan to Fez, holding up a small slice of Swiss cheese._

**FEZ** :

You know, I really love things with holes. Swiss cheese, donuts, inner tubes. I don’t know what it is about a hole, it just feels good.

_He pops the slice into his mouth._

CUT TO:

**INT. JACKIE’S ROOM – EVENING**

_Jackie sits on her bed, flipping through an edition of COSMO. “Sign, Sealed, Delivered” by Peter Frampton plays on the radio._

_The bedside phone rings. Jackie picks it up. SPLIT SCREEN as Kelso, in the basement on the other line, holds up the slip of paper with Phil’s number._

**JACKIE** :

Hello?

**KELSO** :

Is Phil there?

**JACKIE** :

Who?

**KELSO** :

Phil, some guy you kissed! I found his number in your cheese!

**JACKIE** :

Michael, Phil is the guy who delivers the sausage.

**KELSO** :

You tramp!

**JACKIE** :

No, idiot, he brings food to our store. He’s our sausage guy.

**KELSO** :

(beat)

Tramp!

(notices the song)

Who’s that singing? Who’s singing love songs to you?

**JACKIE** :

Peter Frampton.

**KELSO** :

Are you kissing him?

_Jackie slams the phone down. SPLIT SCREEN ENDS. She has no sooner begun reading again than the phone rings. Scowling, she picks it up._

_SPLIT SCREEN as Kelso is joined on the other line by Fez. Fez is on the phone, held up by Kelso as he listens in._

**JACKIE:**

Hello?

**FEZ** :

Hello, this is Norman. Shall we kiss?

_On her end, Jackie rolls her eyes. On their end, Hyde appears behind Kelso and Fez. He frogs them both in the arm and takes the phone from Kelso._

**HYDE** :

(into phone)

Just leave it off the hook.

_He hangs up. SPLIT SCREEN ENDS. Jackie leans back into her pillows and sighs._

*******

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT**

_The boys are hanging out. Hyde is in his chair, Fez snacks on cheese on the couch, and Kelso fidgets with incense in the lawn chair. “Count on Me” by Jefferson Starship plays on the radio._

**FEZ** :

The red cheese is chewy.

**HYDE** :

The red cheese is wax.

_Fez dwells on that for a moment, but continues to eat._

_Eric storms in through the basement door. He struggles to rip his jacket off and throw it to the floor._

**ERIC** :

Oh. Hey, guess what, fellas? Turns out I still have feelings for Donna. Yeah. Deep feelings. Warm feelings. Tingly-in-the-pants feelings. And I can’t do anything about it, because she has those feelings for someone else.

**KELSO** :

I think that admitting you still have feelings for Donna is an important step. Because it reopens the door for this.

(mocking)

Eric loves Donna! Eric loves Donna!

_The guys get in a laugh._

**ERIC** :

Look, you guys, I don’t love her. I just think that if she’s not with me, the fairest thing for everyone is if she’s alone and unhappy.

_Kelso stands, crosses to Eric._

**KELSO** :

No. That is a bad plan, man. ‘Cause if you leave a chick alone, the next thing you know, she’s licking the roof of another guy’s mouth. Like the cheese guy. I hate that guy!

**HYDE** :

(to Kelso)

God, will you give that a rest already?

**KELSO** :

Oh, here we go! Man, we’re supposed to be friends, Hyde, but you take Jackie’s side whenever she and I fight, even when I didn’t do anything.

**HYDE** :

“Didn’t do anything?” Kelso, Jackie took a kiss from her boss after you kept blowing her off. You slept with at least four women behind her back for months. What’s your excuse?

**KELSO** : 

My excuse is that... I can’t think of one. But I will think about it, and I will find one on the way to the mall, where I’ll be stalking Jackie.

_He turns up his nose and marches out the door, Fez in tow._

_Eric flops down across the couch._

**ERIC** : 

I just... I can’t believe Donna’s in a motel room with him right now.

**HYDE** :

Man, I don’t like it either. But there is one thing you can do. I believe you have a stack of _Playboys_ underneath your bed? Go use ‘em.

_He pats Eric on the leg and heads out the door._

*******

**INT. MALL – NIGHT**

_The courtyard’s got a new attraction – a kiddie train track, led by an electric Thomas the Tank Engine, advertised by a sign for “ALL THIS WEEK!” A few kids ride in the cars, while the conductor keeps his cap pulled low over his head._

_Around this space hog, Jackie walks the floor, offering cheese samples. A GOOD-LOOKING GUY approaches and takes a sample just as the train comes around to them. The conductor lifts his head up – it’s Kelso._

**KELSO** :

(to the guy)

Stay away from my girlfriend!

_The guy hurries away. Kelso brings the train to a stop._

**JACKIE** :

Michael, what are you doing? What, are you spying on me now?

**KELSO** :

Well, you’re around strange guys all day, and apparently, every once in a while, you up and French one of them.

_He starts the train back up. Jackie walks alongside it._

**JACKIE** :

You have lost your mind!

**KELSO** :

Yep, and I don’t miss it!

**JACKIE** :

Michael, look at you! Riding around on a kiddie train so you can spy on me? I mean, do you not see how crazy this is?

_Kelso thinks, brings the train to a halt. He stands, and he and Jackie move into the space inside the train track._

**KELSO** :

Yeah. But I don’t know what to do. I want to believe you when you say you’re sorry, but I can’t, because you never seem like you mean it.

**JACKIE** :

Well, I... you’re right. I don’t.

**KELSO** :

What do you mean?

**JACKIE** :

I mean, I’m not sorry, you idiot! I’m still angry at you for blowing me off the last couple of weeks, and I’m still hurt from all the times you cheated on me!

**KELSO** :

Well, I’m – I’m angry too. And not just ‘cause of the kiss. You don’t support me! You didn’t want me to be a model, you always call me names like “idiot” and put me down, and it makes me feel bad about myself. I think that’s why _I_ cheated!

_As they argue, one of the kids climbs over the cars to get to the engine and starts the kiddie train up again._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

Man, it’s... it’s like we’re in this loop, going around and around, just spinning our wheels and holding each other back!

**JACKIE** :

Michael, what are you saying?

**KELSO:**

I’m saying... I’m saying I don’t think I can be with you anymore. I want to break up.

_Jackie drops her cheese tray. As the kiddie train goes around, kids reach out to pick up the spilled samples._

**JACKIE** :

Wait, break up? No, no, Michael, please, let’s talk about this -

**KELSO** :

No.

_He throws his conductor’s hat aside and walks away._

**JACKIE** :

Wait, but Michael!

_She takes a few steps after him before she can’t go on anymore. Unfortunately for the kids, that means she’s standing on the train track. The KID DRIVER stops the train and leans his head out._

**KID DRIVER** :

Clear the track!

_The other kids chorus the thought, even as Jackie begins to cry._


	20. J/H 4-26: Everybody Loves Casey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, back to the full scripts! Jackie and Kelso broke up early in this timeline, which means other events might be moving up too. And what does Hyde think of that?
> 
> (We assume, following production order, that 4-25, "That '70s Musical," is unchanged. I admit that's a bit of a stretch, given the "Love Hurts" number, but since Jackie and Kelso never explicitly state they're together outside of Fez's fantasies, and because that episode is pretty much a one-off within Season 4, I think we can get away with it.)

**SHOW TITLE**

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY**

_A sunny afternoon. ERIC is at the stovetop, scraping peanut butter out of the jar for a PB &J sandwich. HYDE enters from the living room and crosses to the fridge._

**ERIC** :

Oh, Hyde, get this. Casey just came by to pick up Donna, and he was out in the street just revving his Trans Am real loud, and then he peels out in the street, and he started doing donuts. And then, out comes Donna, all smiling and, like, looking at him.

_Hyde grabs some juice and crosses to Eric._

**HYDE** :

What a slut!

**ERIC** :

Look, if she wants to date him, that's fine. But he doesn't have to be all loud and jerky about it. Jerky, loud, donut jerk.

_RED and KITTY enter through the patio door, grocery bags in hand. Kitty hurries to set hers down and cross to the boys._

**KITTY** :

Oh, guess what, boys? I entered the big wiener contest at the Piggly Wiggly, and I won a year's supply of all-beef hot dogs!

(laughs)

I'm a wiener winner!

(laughs again)

_She gives the boys a chance to react; they aren’t impressed._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

Well, anyway, we're having a barbecue.

**RED** :

No, Kitty! I thought we were going to talk about that.

**KITTY** :

Mm-hmm.

(to Eric)

Oh, and I saw Donna at the grocery store, and she said she's bringing her friend Casey.

**ERIC** :

What? No. I hate Casey. He's Donna's new boyfriend. You have to uninvite him.

(to Red)

Dad, tell her.

**RED** :

Kitty, you've done a horrible thing. It could scar the boy for life. Now, let's do the right thing and cancel that barbecue.

**KITTY** :

No. We're having it, and it'll be fun.

(to Eric)

And... and we just... we won't give Casey any relish.

_She and Red step out to fetch more groceries. Eric turns to Hyde._

**HYDE** :

All right. Once Casey finds out he's not getting any relish, he'll dump Donna for sure.

(laughs)

You are so screwed.

**MAIN CREDITS**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY**

_A gathering of the guys. Eric sits on the back of the couch, FEZ in the far seat of it, and KELSO in the lawn chair. Hyde ambles in from his room, records in hand. He sets them down by the record player and starts going through them. “Good Times Roll” by The Cars plays on the radio._

**FEZ** :

(to Eric)

So your mom invited Casey over for hot dogs? Well, that's a plump, juicy, all-beef burn.

**KELSO** :

Ah, it's just typical women stuff. Like Jackie kissing that guy.

_Hyde lunges, frogs Kelso in the arm._

**KELSO (cont’d):**

Ow! Hyde!

**HYDE** :

Yeah. Okay? I've decided if anyone brings up any more stupid girl stuff, I'm gonna throw something at 'em. This time, I threw a fist.

_He goes to his chair and sits._

**KELSO** :

I'm sorry. It's just - everything reminds me. And I dumped her over a week ago, and she hasn’t once called to say “hi” or offer me sad-but-hot break-up sex!

**HYDE** :

You two broke up?

**KELSO:**

Yeah, and it’s the worst one yet.

**FEZ** :

All because of the cheese guy?

**KELSO** :

Hey, I changed, and became responsible, and stopped my cheating. Then she goes and makes out behind my back, and keeps calling me names and putting me down?

_He pouts, folds his arms, taps his foot._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

You know what? If she’s not gonna call me, then I’m gonna go over there and yell at her some more.

_He stands and exits out the basement door._

**ERIC** :

You guys, I've been thinking about Donna. And I –

_Hyde grabs a magazine from the coffee table, tosses it at Eric._

**HYDE** :

This time I threw a magazine.

**ERIC** :

No, guys, seriously. This barbecue might work out in my favor. You see, Donna's only seen Casey around his smelly, tattooed Molly Hatchet-loving friends. But when he comes to the barbecue, he'll be around us. Good, clean, Lynyrd Skynyrd-lovin' Americans. And the comparison will not be kind to him.

**HYDE** :

And then Donna will come running home to you.

**ERIC** :

No.

(beat)

Well, maybe. You think?

**HYDE** :

So, instead of pounding Casey like you should, you came up with this zany scheme? Forman, you've officially turned into Daffy Duck.

(doing Daffy)

You're “dethpicable!”

_He makes a show of shaking his head._

**FEZ** :

You know, I have lady problems too.

_Hyde grabs a Packers’ football and chucks it at Fez, who dodges it without even looking up._

**FEZ (cont’d):**

Rhonda won't let me get past second base. I even said “please.” Magic word, my ass.

  
_Hyde throws another ball, and this time, it hits. Fez frowns at him and chucks it back, and they get into a throwing war._

**BUMPER**

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - DAY**

_Concurrent with the previous scene from Kelso’s exit. He storms around the house and into the driveway. From the other direction comes JACKIE. They meet, lock eyes._

**JACKIE** :

Hey.

**KELSO** :

Hey.

**JACKIE/KELSO** :

I just came by -/I miss you.

_They step back._

**JACKIE/KELSO** :

What?

**JACKIE** :

Did you say you miss me?

**KELSO** :

No.

**JACKIE** :

Look, just say you miss me!

**KELSO** :

Fine, I miss you!

_Jackie takes his hands in hers._

**JACKIE** :

Michael, I miss you too. And, look, I was thinking - since we broke up because I kissed another guy, what if I let you kiss another girl? I mean, we could be even, and we could get back together.

**KELSO** :

Jackie, if you think that me kissing another girl is gonna bring us closer together, I'm totally willing to make that sacrifice.

**JACKIE** :

Thank you, Michael.

**KELSO** :

Yeah!

(beat)

I better go wash my face.

_He pulls his hands free and heads down the street, and Jackie heads into the Forman’s kitchen._

**BUMPER**

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY**

_The weekend, and the barbecue, have arrived. A table loaded with hot dogs, condiments, and drinks is out on the driveway, and a healthy population of neighbors enjoy the party._

_Hyde and Fez, on the porch, lean against the house. Eric comes around the house, crosses to them._

**ERIC** :

Okay, Fez, when Casey gets here, ask him for advice about your second-base problem. My advice is gonna be way better than his, and Donna will see that he's a greasy dolt.

**HYDE** :

Hey, Forman, I have an idea. Set up a wacky system of ropes and pulleys, and when Casey gets here, drop an anvil on his head.

_It gets a laugh from Fez, at least._

**FEZ** :

(to Eric)

Because that's what Daffy does.

**ERIC** :

Yeah, I got that.

  
_DONNA and CASEY walk up the driveway, arms around each other’s shoulders._

  
**DONNA** :

Hey, guys.

**ERIC** :

Hey.

**CASEY** :

(to Eric)

Hey, Foreplay. Getting a little shaggy up there, buddy.

_He ruffles Eric’s hair._

**ERIC** :

Okay. Well, that's enough of that!

_He throws Casey’s hand away._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Okay. So, uh... hey, you guys are just in time. Fez was telling me about, uh...

(to Fez)

Some kind of problem you're having with Rhonda?

**FEZ** :

Yeah. Rhonda won't let me get past second base, and I really want to explore further.

**ERIC** :

Gosh. Well, I don't know. I think if you're patient and you're respectful, when Rhonda's ready, she'll, uh... she'll wave you over.

**FEZ** :

Well, thank you, Eric. That is very gentlemanly advice.

**ERIC** :

Gentlemanly? Well, uh, guilty as charged, I guess.

(to Casey)

Hey Casey, what do you think?

**CASEY** :

Well, sometimes a seasoned lady like Rhonda, she's gotten used to the usual order of things. So, I think the next time you're fooling around, just skip second and go right to third.

**ERIC** :

What?

**FEZ** :

It's genius!

(to Eric)

No wonder you never get any.

**DONNA** :

(to Fez)

Yeah, with Rhonda, you know, that just might work.

**ERIC** :

(to Donna)

Wait, you like that?

**DONNA** :

Well, the words are wrong, but they sound so good coming out of his mouth.

**CASEY** :

(shrugs)

I got a way about me.

  
_He pats Eric on the shoulder, and he and Donna head into the party._

_Hyde comes up behind Eric._

  
**HYDE** :

(doing Daffy)

That worked out “thuper.”

CUT TO:

**EXT. FORMAN BACKYARD – DAY**

_More of the barbecue, not as crowded as out front. Several of the local ladies have gathered in this part of the house, and Kelso strolls up and down, checking them out. Behind him follows a scowling Jackie. Kelso keeps glancing behind him to see Jackie’s reactions; he’s enjoying this._

**KELSO** :

Let's see... which chick do I want to kiss?

_Jackie takes his arm, spins him around._

**JACKIE:**

Oh, no, no, no, no, Michael. I get to pick the girl.

**KELSO** :

But you'll pick an uggo.

**JACKIE** :

(shrugs)

You didn’t call “no uggos.”

**KELSO** :

I just thought of something. Your plan’s good and all, but what if the girl that you pick doesn't wanna kiss me?

_They both consider that for a moment, then break up laughing._

**KELSO** :

“Doesn't wanna kiss me!”

_They laugh some more._

**CUT TO:**

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY**

_The party continues. Red works at the grill. He passes a hot dog onto Eric’s plate, and Eric takes it over to Donna, who is at the table with Casey._

**ERIC** :

Hey, Donna, would you like a hot dog?

**DONNA** :

Um, maybe half.

  
_Casey draws a bowie knife from his back pocket. He takes the plate from Eric and slices the hot dog in half._

  
**ERIC** :

Whoa, man, you carry a knife?

**CASEY** :

Yeah. You never know when a lady's gonna need a half a hot dog. It's funny, man. You're the boy scout, but I'm the one who's prepared.

_He and Donna head toward the basketball hoop. Fez crosses to Eric’s side._

**FEZ** :

He's like a gladiator.

**ERIC** :

Okay, that's it. I'm bringing out the big guns. Oh, yeah. I'm introducing him to my folks.

_He spies Kitty coming out from the kitchen. He takes her by the shoulders, steers her over to Casey and Donna._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

Oh, hey, Mom, meet Casey. This is Donna's new boyfriend.

_Casey gives her a nod. Kitty stares up at him, wide-eyed._

**KITTY** :

Well, you're certainly not a girl.

(laughs)

**CASEY** :

Nice to meet you, Mrs. Forman. You know, you couldn't have picked a prettier day to win a year's supply of hot dogs.

**KITTY** :

(laughs)

Yeah, sure is a hot dog.

_She falls into laughing again. Eric leads her away._

**ERIC** :

Mom!

**KITTY** :

Sorry, honey, it's just, he's just... I am sure you are much smarter.

_Red crosses over to them._

**RED** :

Kitty, the idiot neighbors drank all my beer.

**ERIC** :

Uh-oh. You're in a bad mood. Hey, meet Casey.

**CASEY** :

(shakes Red’s hand)

Pleasure, sir. Hey, maybe I can help. I always keep a spare case of beer in the Trans Am. Little tip I picked up in the army.

_He walks off down the driveway. Beaming, Donna crosses over to the porch to talk to Hyde._

_Red and Kitty turn to Eric. Red seems impressed, Kitty smitten._

**RED** :

I don't know. Seems like a pretty good kid.

**KITTY** :

Uh-huh.

  
_On the porch, Hyde is back to leaning against the house as Donna stands across from him._

  
**HYDE** :

So, you and Casey, huh?

**DONNA** :

Look, Hyde, whatever you heard about Casey, he's changed now. He's... he's mature.

**HYDE** :

Oh, yeah. He's real mature.

**DONNA** :

Well, I like him! We're together, and if you can't deal with that, then you can just go to hell!

_She turns, runs after Casey._

**HYDE** :

Hey, that's not barbecue language, young lady!

_Donna meets Casey as he comes back up the driveway with a case of beer. A grape soda is balanced on top. Casey hands the case to Red._

**CASEY** :

Here's that beer, sir. I got a soda for the minor.

_He hands Eric the soda can._

**CASEY (cont’d):**

(to Eric)

Now, you make sure to drink that real slow, 'cause I don't want you to get a tummy ache, little guy.

_He pats Eric on the stomach._

**KITTY** :

Well, that's thoughtful.

**RED** :

Yeah, he cramps up easy.

_Eric, at a loss for words, shifts on his feet and cracks open the soda._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

**EXT. FORMAN BACKYARD - DAY**

_Most of the gang has moved back here. Eric and Kelso lean against the door into the garage. Kelso’s eye scans the crowd, lingering on all the women; Eric looks down at the ground with his arms crossed. Further into the yard, Hyde and Jackie sit and talk on lawn chairs._

**ERIC** :

Casey and Donna, man.

(to Kelso)

Hey, remember when we were 12? We didn't even like girls yet.

**KELSO** :

(still scanning)

I liked girls when I was 12.

**ERIC** :

Well, at least I gave it my best shot, right? If Donna loves Casey and not me, then... I mean, I guess it's over.

_Kelso stops scanning, turns to Eric and puts a hand on his shoulder._

**KELSO** :

Forman, you can't give up. Look, who knows what’s gonna happen with me and Jackie, but what you and Donna had? That was, like, real. And I'm telling you, as his brother, Casey is bad news. He's either gonna get bored and split, or something worse is gonna happen. So, you gotta do something.

**ERIC** :

(beat)

Hey, since when did you get all serious?

**KELSO** :

Well, I’ve been broken up with Jackie, and she cut me off for a while before that, so I think the lack of lovin’ is making more blood flow to my brain.

_In the lawn chairs, Hyde massages his temple; Jackie’s just explained her plan._

**HYDE** :

So, you’re letting Kelso kiss some other girl so you can get back together with him?

**JACKIE** :

Yeah. That way, we’ll be even.

**HYDE** :

Jackie, by that logic, “being even” means that you sleep with, like, four guys. This is nuts.

**JACKIE** :

Steven, I don’t care if you don’t think it makes sense! If this is the only way for Michael and me to get back together, then that’s what I’m going to do!

_She stands and storms off. Hyde stands too, looks around at the guests._

**HYDE** :

This is a hot dog party, people! Not a yell-at-guys-with-good-advice party!

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY**

_The next day. Fez and Hyde sit at the kitchen table, bowls of soup in front of them. Red sits on a stool at the island. Kitty comes over from the stovetop with one last bowl and a tray of sandwiches._

  
**KITTY** :

Okay, everyone. Here's lunch: hot dog soup!

**HYDE** :

(groans)

No more hot dogs! I'll just eat the grilled cheese.

_He picks up a sandwich._

**KITTY** :

You mean, grilled cheese with hot dogs!

_Hyde throws the sandwich back down._

**RED** :

Kitty, for God sakes, I ate 14 hot dogs yesterday!

**KITTY** :

Well, what do you want me to do, Red? They're everywhere. They're a curse on this house!

**RED** :

Oh, fine. Let's make some calls. Maybe we can unload the damn things on a nursery school.

_He stands and leads Kitty out into the living room._

_Eric enters from the basement, sits down at the table._

  
**ERIC** :

You guys, I’ve let this thing with Casey go way too far.

**HYDE** :

Yeah, no kidding. Donna's pretty far gone. She's starting to lash out at people at barbecues. You gotta kick his ass, man.

**FEZ** :

Hyde, Eric cannot beat Casey with his fists. He's a special boy who must beat him with his special strengths. Now, let's think. What is Eric's special strengths?

He puts his hands together in thought. Slow pan in, and we cut to:

**INT. GAME SHOW SET**

_FANTASY SEQUENCE. A true ‘70s game show set – tacky as hell. Boxes are everywhere. Fez, in an equally tacky suit, spins around and flashes a grin for the camera. Two boxes flank him on either side._

  
**FEZ** : Welcome back to TV's favorite game show - Get Into That Box!

_The title flashes across the screen as he says the name._

**FEZ (cont’d)** :

Now, let's meet our returning champion, Eric Forman!

_Eric’s head pops out from the box on Fez’s left._

**ERIC** :

Thanks. Good to be back, Fez.

**FEZ** :

Let's meet our challenger, Casey Kelso!

_Casey walks onto set, to the applause of the off-screen audience._

**FEZ (cont’d):**

Casey Kelso, it's time to...

_He points out to the audience._

**AUDIENCE (v.o.)** :

Get into that box!

  
_Casey steps inside the box on Fez’s right. He tries to sit in it, but it bursts open at the side and Casey spills out onto the floor._

  
**CASEY** :

(to Fez, indicates Eric)

How does he do it?

_Donna, in a tacky dress, comes running from off-stage to hug Eric – or, rather, his box._

**DONNA** :

He's so tiny!

_She caresses his box as Eric shakes his hands in celebration._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY**

_Back to reality. Fez nods contentedly at his fantasy._

**FEZ** :

I would watch that show.

**ERIC** :

(beat)

Okay. That was great. Guys, I'm going over to Casey's. And I don't know what I'm gonna do. But if things get physical, I'm just gonna have to drop the hammer.

**HYDE** :

And if all else fails, kick him in the stones and run like hell.

**ERIC** :

Yeah, that's what I meant by “drop the hammer _._ ”

_And out he goes through the patio door._

  
**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT**

  
_RHONDA’S POV. She makes out with Fez on the basement couch. Fez pulls back and smiles._

  
**FEZ** :

Rhonda, your lively tongue has made me thirsty.

_He lifts up a soda can, takes a sip through a straw, and offers it to Rhonda._

**FEZ (cont’d):**

Would you like to wet your whistle?

_Rhonda (the camera) nods. Fez passes the soda can. A long, loud slurping sound unnerves him; Rhonda’s drained the whole can._

**FEZ (cont’d)** :

Wow, thirsty lady. Well, we're off to a nice start. Shall we move on to second base?

  
_He reaches his hand out, places it where Rhonda’s breasts would be. His smile grows at first, but quickly falls when Rhonda’s big hand closes around his wrist and pulls his hand away. Her other hand shoots out and takes Fez by the throat._

  
**FEZ** :

Ai, no!

CUT TO:

**INT. HUB – NIGHT**

_A decent nighttime crowd. “I Just Want to be Your Everything” by Andy Gibb plays on the jukebox. Jackie and Kelso stand near the counter, Kelso nursing a soda. He scans the crowd for women, and one walks by._

  
**KELSO** :

How about I kiss her?

**JACKIE** :

No way. She's too tall, too tanned, too rich.

**KELSO** :

Damn, Jackie, I don't wanna kiss a short, pale, poor girl.

**JACKIE** :

Okay, look, Michael, all I know is that I don't want to stay broken up. Okay, you know what? You choose. Kiss any girl you want.

_Kelso makes a brief show of looking around, then bends down and snakes a kiss from Jackie._

**KELSO** :

I choose you.

**JACKIE** :

Michael, that is the most romantic thing I've ever read, heard about, or seen on TV.

**KELSO** :

Yeah, it was pretty romantic. I could tell while I was doing it.

_Jackie sighs and sits down at the nearest free table. Kelso joins her._

**KELSO:**

What?

**JACKIE:**

No, it's just... look, one week you break up with me, and the next week you're Prince Charming?

**KELSO:**

(shrugs)

I'm an incredibly complex man, Jackie.

**JACKIE:**

Michael, I can't do this anymore! Look, Michael, if you wanna choose me, then choose me. I mean, really choose me.

**KELSO:**

Jackie, you gave me a free pass to kiss any girl I wanted, and I kissed you. And that was a big choice, ‘cause there’s a lot of hotties here.

_He waves his hand to indicate the other patrons._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

But there’s only one girl I wanna be with forever. And that’s you.

**JACKIE:**

(beat)

You want to be with me forever? You want to be _together_ forever?

_He nods. She takes his hand in hers._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

Okay, then, Michael, let’s commit to that right now. Let’s get married.

_Very slowly, Kelso leans back. His jaw hangs slightly open, and he can’t stop blinking._

**KELSO:**

(beat)

Hold on. You wanna get _married_?

**JACKIE:**

Yes, Michael, yes, I accept!

_She jumps to her feet and kisses him on both cheeks._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

Oh, my God! You know what? I gotta go tell my dad. And you - you have to buy a ring! Just think about it! We are gonna be the “Burkhart-Kelsos.”

_She runs out the door, squealing in delight._

**KELSO:**

(in shock)

The Who-hearts What-os?

_He looks up to the window; Jackie is no longer in sight. He leaps to his feet, races out of the Hub, and takes off down the street in the opposite direction she took._

CUT TO:

**EXT. KELSO HOUSE – NIGHT**

_Casey sits alone on the porch, reading an auto magazine. Eric walks up to him._

  
**ERIC** :

Casey, we need to talk.

**CASEY** :

Well, I'm a little swamped right now, Foreplay.

**ERIC** :

I think Donna thinks you love her, and if you don't, you shouldn't act like you do.

**CASEY** :

What are you? The love police? Hands up! Love police is here.

**ERIC** :

Hey, all I'm saying is that if you don't love her, just don't be with her, okay? Because she's a really special person, and someone out there could really love her.

**CASEY** :

Someone out there or someone right here?

_Eric doesn’t have a ready retort to that. He’s spared thinking of one by Donna stepping out from the house._

**DONNA** :

Oh. Hey, Eric. What are you doing here?

**CASEY** :

He was just leaving.

**DONNA** :

Oh. Well, I gotta go, too.

**CASEY** :

Hey, Pinciotti.

_He stands and gives Donna a lingering kiss on the cheek._

**CASEY (cont’d):**

Love ya.

**DONNA** :

Oh, well, I...

_She turns away from him to Eric, who looks down at his shoes._

**DONNA (cont’d)** :

(to Casey)

Thank you. Okay, well, I'll... I'll see you later.

_She walks off. Casey crosses to Eric._

**CASEY** :

You see, Forman, it's just words. You don't have to mean it.

**ERIC** :

If you make her cry, I'm coming right back here to kick your ass.

_He walks off too, the opposite way from Donna._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**CREDITS**

**  
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT**

_THE CIRCLE. “Barracuda” by Heart plays on the radio. For once, the weed hasn’t made Kelso laughy. He looks downright paranoid._

  
**KELSO** :

You guys, I found something worse than Jackie kissing another guy: she wants to get married! TO ME!

_He looks frantically around the room, the stairs and the door especially._

_Pan to Eric._

**ERIC** :

Well, if kicking Casey's butt is the same as babbling at him from a safe distance, then boy, did I do it! But seriously, you guys, the days of Daffy are over. It's time for action. I'm goin' Road Runner on his ass. _Meep, meep!_ POW!

_Pan to Fez._

**FEZ** :

Good. Because thanks to his stupid advice, Rhonda dumped me. I tried to steal third, but she blocked me. And choked me. Now there’s no more baseball for Fez. It's back to handball.

_Pan to Hyde._

**HYDE** :

Girls, man. They'll make you miserable. Well, I got a date.

(doing Daffy)

Tho long, thuckerth!

_He stands and makes for the door._

**END.**


	21. J/H 4-27: Love, Wisconsin Style

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we go - Season 4 finale!
> 
> I didn't know when I started this project just how I'd end Season 4, and it was tricky to figure out. The goal was, without changing anything about the end of Season 5 (there will be a few Season 5 scripts coming, but none past the halfway point of the season), to make the ending of Season 4 give more weight to Hyde's insecurity and paranoia about Jackie and Kelso there. Feedback on how well that goal was met would be most welcome.
> 
> (I should say that I like the end of Season 5 quite a bit as it is. But, this being a project all about finding connective tissue between two different points in the show's run, I went a little further with that here.)

**SHOW TITLE**

_MUSIC NOTE: “Whatcha Gonna Do” by Pablo Cruise._

**INT. HUB - DAY**

_A sunny afternoon, but the Hub is almost empty – it’s still school hours. But there are two customers – ERIC and KITTY. Eric leans against the counter as he talks with his mother. “Whatcha Gonna Do” plays on the jukebox._

**ERIC** :

So Mr. Hammond said it was fine for me to miss class, ‘cause I’m already getting an “A.” So just as you suspected, Mom, I am better than everybody.

**KITTY:**

All I know is that my little boy was very brave at the dentist today. Wasn't he? Yes he was, my _widdle snickelfritz_.

**ERIC** :

Okay, Mom, when a man reaches a certain age, the baby voice no longer comforts him. It urges him to kill.

_The door opens. In walk DONNA and CASEY. Well, Casey walks; Donna nearly falls over her feet trying to get through the doorway. She’s giggling fit to burst, and a large cup is in her hand. As she stumbles, she knocks over a chair._

_Casey rights the chair, steadies Donna, leads her toward the nearest table._

**CASEY** :

Okay, let's get you some coffee. Nobody pukes in the Trans Am.

_As they walk, Donna finally notices Eric and Kitty._

**DONNA** :

(gasps)

Mrs. Forman! Uh-oh, you look mad. What did Eric do?

(to Eric)

Bad Eric!

**KITTY:**

Donna, why aren't you in school?

**CASEY:**

No worries, I called her in sick. Told ‘em, “lady troubles.” No questions asked.

_Donna starts to giggle again and loses her balance. Casey and Eric money to steady her._

**ERIC:**

Hey, easy there, wobbles.

**KITTY:**

(to Donna)

Have you been drinking?

**DONNA:**

I hope so. 'Cause if not, this whole place is a-spinning! Hang on boys, it's a twister!

_She twirls her finger around and pivots on her feet, rocking back and forth between Eric and Casey as they try to get her upright._

**MAIN CREDITS**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY**

_THE CIRCLE. “Bad Time” by Grand Funk Railroad plays on the record player in the background. Eric is related the events of the last scene._

**ERIC:**

So, my mom and I were at the Hub getting ice cream, and we caught Donna with Casey, skipping school. And she was drunk. In the middle of the afternoon. It was like Sue Ellen on _Dallas_!

_Pan to Hyde._

**HYDE:**

(to Eric)

You went to the Hub for ice cream with your mommy?

(laughs)

Why would you tell me that?

_Pan to Fez._

**FEZ:**

Hyde, the point is he went for ice cream. Without us!

(to Eric)

You cannot pick up a phone?

_Pan to Kelso_

**KELSO** :

Hey, if we’re gonna burn Forman, can we hurry it up? You guys know I’m hiding from Jackie. The longer I stay in any one spot, the more likely she is to catch me, and then I gotta deal with her wanting to get married. TO ME!

_The record player skips. Kelso jumps at the noise and bolts for the stairs._

_Pan to Eric, who watches Kelso run upstairs before turning back to the Circle._

**ERIC:**

Guys, my mom's over at the Pinciotti's right now telling Bob about Donna being drunk. You can't do that kind of stuff in the middle of the afternoon. It'll mess up with your... your... your thinking thing.

_Pan to Hyde._

**HYDE:**

Yeah, you gotta stay sharp, man. That's why I keep myself pure until 3 o' clock.

(checks watch)

Two o'clock. That's why I keep myself pure until two o'clock.

_He lifts up his hand; his watch isn’t even on._

**HYDE (cont’d):**

I'm not wearing a watch.

CUT TO:

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - DAY**

_A short time later. Hyde, Eric, and Kelso play basketball as best they can with the El Camino in the driveway. Kelso keeps shooting nervous glances down the street in both directions._

**ERIC:**

(to Hyde)

Hey, you know what? Donna getting busted is actually great for me, because now she's gotta realize what a jackass Casey is. And when she dumps him, I'll be standing right here with open arms and a gentle “I told you so.”

_He mistakes Hyde’s frown for agreement._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Oh yeah, that could happen. After all, I made that girl a woman.

_Kelso, dribbling the ball, bounces it into the hubcap of the El Camino. The clang makes him jump back and look around frantically. Eric puts a steadying arm on his shoulder._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

Kelso, you know you can’t hide from Jackie forever. Shouldn’t you just talk to her about this?

**KELSO** :

Eric, marriage is not a “this.” Marriage is not even an “it.” Marriage is the death of “it,” as in “doin’ it,” and me and my lightning rod in the pants have a lot more doin’ it to do!

_Hyde takes the basketball from him, starts to dribble, looks down the road toward the Pinciotti’s house._

**HYDE** :

(to Kelso)

Hey, man. Here comes Jackie.

**KELSO** :

RUN!

_He shoves past Eric, rounds the El Camino, and cuts through the garage._

_Once he’s gone, Eric and Hyde share a laugh; it was a false alarm._

**ERIC** :

So, Jackie wants to marry Kelso. That’s gotta hurt, huh? Say, when you get them back together again, maybe you should offer to perform the ceremony.

**HYDE** :

Not this time, man. I mean, marriage in high school? That’s too weird, man. I’m staying out of it.

_Something over Hyde’s shoulder catches Eric’s eye. He strains to get a better look._

**ERIC** :

Here comes Jackie.

**HYDE** :

(scoffs)

Come on, man. I’m not falling for that.

_But it’s no false alarm this time: JACKIE marches right up behind Hyde._

**JACKIE** :

Where’s Michael?

_Her shout makes Hyde jump and drop the ball. He turns to look at her; she is one pissed off girl._

**HYDE:**

He’s not here.

**JACKIE:**

Oh, don’t you give me that! I know that idiot still thinks the upstairs hall closet is a good hiding place!

**ERIC** :

(nods)

Every game of hide-and-seek, ages 5 to 12. And he managed to get stuck under the bottom shelf every time.

**JACKIE** :

Look, he can’t blow me off like this! He proposed, I heard him.

(holds up left hand)

And he is putting a ring on this finger even if I have to chase him all the way to Minnesota!

_She tugs on Hyde’s arm._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

Steven, I need you to help me look for Michael.

**HYDE** :

Excuse me?

_Jackie nods to the El Camino._

**JACKIE** :

He can’t go far on foot and his van can’t outrun your car. Come on, let’s go!

**HYDE** :

Jackie, I’m not driving you all over town looking for Kelso. I don’t even wanna look in the hall closet.

**JACKIE** :

(pouts)

Fine!

_She elbows past Hyde, goes around the El Camino._

_Hyde shakes his head, turns to Eric. Before either of them can speak, they jump back at the revving of the El Camino’s engine. Jackie’s head sticks out from the driver’s side window._

**JACKIE (cont’d):**

Move it or lose it!

**ERIC** :

(to Hyde)

Did she lift the keys to the El Camino off you?

_Hyde pats down his pockets. His jaw drops._

**HYDE** :

I taught her that move!

**ERIC** :

You’ve created a monster.

**HYDE** :

I know! And the worst part is, that was kinda hot!

_Eric throws his hands up, shakes his head, and turns to go inside._

_Jackie honks the horn. Hyde frowns at her, she scowls back, and he slowly makes his way around to the passenger’s side door._

CUT TO:

**INT. DONNA’S BEDROOM – DAY**

_The aftermath of Kitty’s news relay. Donna sits on her bed, arms crossed, as BOB and JOANNE loom over her. Bob is in a rage._

**BOB:**

(to Donna)

What the hell’s going on with you? You’re grounded! No arguments!

**DONNA** :

Dad, I’m not grounded.

**BOB:**

Okay, well, then whatever you think is best.

_Joanne rolls her eyes._

**JOANNE:**

No! Not whatever she thinks is best.

(to Joanne)

You are grounded!

**DONNA:**

Hey, You're not my mother! You have no say in what I do.

_She stands, storms out of the room._

**BOB:**

(to Joanne)

Well, she’s got you there.

_He shrugs and leaves Joanne shaking her head._

CUT TO:

**INT. HUB - DAY**

_Late in the afternoon. The sunlight coming in through the window is starting to turn to evening gold. “More, More, More” by Andrea True Connection plays on the jukebox._

_Fez and Kelso sit at a round table near the center of the floor, Kelso’s head jerking this way and that as he scans the crowd._

**FEZ** :

Kelso, you seem tense. I think living in a home with so many siblings does not provide you with enough privacy to relieve yourself – if you know what I mean.

**KELSO** :

It’s not that kind of tension, Fez. Being a one-woman man is one thing, but – but I can’t get married! I’m 18 years old, and way too hot!

**FEZ** :

So just say so. Go on, be a man!

**KELSO** :

That’s just it. I’m not a man. Which is why I don’t wanna get married! But... well, a lot of people don’t know this about us, but Jackie’s pretty much in charge.

_Fez raises his eyebrows; Kelso doesn’t notice._

**KELSO (cont’d):**

If she says she wants to get married, then it might happen! The only way it won’t happen is if I’m not around when she does.

_Something out the window catches Fez’s eye; he leans for a better look._

**FEZ** :

Here comes Jackie, driving the El Camino.

**KELSO:**

RUN!

_He throws himself out of his chair, sending it flying back to the door. He scrambles on all fours to reach the bathroom door, and we cut to:_

**INT. HUB BATHROOM – DAY**

_Kelso hurries inside, throws open the bathroom window, backs up just enough to get a running start, and launches himself cleanly through the window._

**KELSO (v.o.):**

(laughing)

Man, that was awesome!

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - NIGHT**

_An emergency confab. As Kitty ices a cake at the stovetop, Bob talks with RED and Eric by the island._

  
**BOB:**

And then I told Donna she was grounded, and she said no!

**KITTY** :

(looks up)

She said no?

**ERIC** :

Can you do that?

**RED:**

No.

**BOB:**

I need your help, Red. I gotta get Donna away from that guy!

**ERIC:**

Oh, Dad, you know what's good? Threaten her with the old foot in the ass!

**KITTY** :

You know, that Casey. How could such a bad influence live in such a handsome package? Bad people should have a big scar and an eye patch so you could recognize them!

**BOB:**

The problem is, you know, there's a point where your kids realize you can’t do nothing to control them.

**ERIC** :

There is?

**RED:**

(to Eric)

No! Now stop listening.

(to Bob)

Bob, I don't wanna get involved. I've got enough problems with the fourteen kids who think they live here now.

CUT TO:

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - NIGHT**

_Immediately following the above. The El Camino pulls into the driveway. There is a dent and a long, red streak across the passenger side._

_Hyde exits out the driver’s side door, and Fez and Jackie exit out the passenger’s side. Jackie immediately crosses to Hyde._

**JACKIE** :

Steven, you get back here! We aren’t done yet!

**HYDE** :

Yes, we are. When you ruin the paint job and take out a fire hydrant, that’s the end of El Camino privileges for you, young lady!

_Something down the driveway catches Fez’s eye._

**FEZ** :

Someone’s coming.

_They all turn to look. It’s Donna and Casey, out for a walk-and-talk._

**CASEY:**

So the guy’s trying to tell me that his Z28 is the same car as my Trans Am except for the decals.

**DONNA:**

How can people be so ignorant?

_The patio door slides open. Bob marches out, followed by Eric, Kitty, and Red._

**BOB:**

I see you Donna! I see you!

**DONNA:**

Dad!

**BOB:**

Don't you “dad” me. You're not going anywhere, not with this guy. You're grounded again!

_Hyde, Jackie, and Fez huddle together. Fez brings out a box of chocolate-covered raisins._

**FEZ:**

(to Jackie & Hyde)

Candy?

**JACKIE:**

Please.

_She helps herself to a piece._

**DONNA:**

Dad, I'm gonna do whatever I want with whoever I want whenever I wanna do it!

**BOB:**

We have to have a talk right now, Donna!

**CASEY:**

Mr. Pinciotti, sir, let me just say you're making a lot of sense here, and I think that when I bring Donna home tonight, you two ought to sit down and really hammer this thing out.

_Everyone’s on bated breath as they look to Bob._

**BOB:**

(beat)

Okay, that sounds fair.

_Everyone but Donna groans together._

**ERIC:**

What? You're just gonna let her go off with him?

**BOB:**

What else can I do?

**RED:**

Oh, good God, that's it! Everybody in the living room.

(no one moves)

NOW!

_That does it. Everyone moves to enter the house. Red holds up a hand to block Jackie, Fez, and Hyde._

**RED:**

Not you.

_He enters the house. Bob, having been behind Fez, stays out with the kids. He takes a raisin that Fez offers._

_Red sticks his head out the patio door._

**RED:**

Bob, get in here!

_He heads back inside, Bob in tow._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT**

_Tough love time. Eric stands by the front door with Bob. Donna and Casey are on the couch, the reluctant center of attention. Red stands behind his chair, leaning on it as he yells._

**RED:**

Donna, what has gotten into you? Skipping school, showing no respect for your father -

**BOB:**

That's right!

**RED:**

Shut up, Bob.

_Kitty hurries in from the kitchen with a big snack bowl._

**KITTY:**

Okay, here's snacks!

_She sets the bowl down on the coffee table._

**KITTY (cont’d):**

So, anybody need a drink?

**CASEY:**

I'll take a rum and coke for the road.

**ERIC:**

Hey, hey, buddy? A little tip? I think booze is what got you in trouble in the first place!

**RED:**

(to Casey)

How could you take this girl out drinking in the middle of the day!

**CASEY:**

You know how it is. All the older girls were at work.

_He chuckles at his own joke and jostles Donna with his shoulder. She doesn’t look amused._

**ERIC:**

Can I say - this guy is not boyfriend material.

**BOB:**

I agree. You're not going out with him anymore. You two are done!

**DONNA/CASEY:**

No!/Alright.

_They look to each other._

**DONNA:**

What?

**CASEY:**

You gotta admit, this has been a real hassle. I mean, it was fun, and you're a great girl, but let's just call it a day.

**ERIC:**

Wait... _you're_ breaking up with _her_?

**DONNA:**

Casey, I thought you said you...

_She looks around the room. She leans in close to Casey and drops her voice._

**DONNA (cont’d):**

You know... you said you loved me.

**CASEY:**

I have this thing where I say stuff I don't really mean.

**DONNA** :

Casey...

**CASEY:**

Look, Donna, I see what you're getting at, and I'm not that type of guy.

_He pats her knee._

**CASEY (cont’d)** :

Mrs. Forman, let's say we rain-check that rum and coke.

_He stands, pats Eric on the shoulder, and walks out the front door._

_Eric looks to Donna._

**ERIC:**

Donna, I'm... I’m really sorry.

**DONNA:**

You're not sorry. You got exactly what you wanted.

_She stands, moves to the kitchen door. She throws it open, knocking into an eavesdropping Hyde, Jackie, and Fez. They fall back toward the fridge as Donna runs from the house._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT**

_Eric is alone, brooding on the couch. He stands when he hears the door open. Kitty enters, with Donna._

**KITTY** :

Eric, there's someone here to see you.

**ERIC** :

(to Donna)

Hi.

**DONNA:**

Hi.

**KITTY:**

Okay, can I get anyone a snack?

**ERIC:**

Mom.

**KITTY:**

Right, right. Have to stop doing that.

(laughs)

_She makes a quick exit. Eric and Donna look to each other._

**ERIC:**

(beat)

So, um... how are you?

_Donna crosses to him._

**DONNA:**

Humiliated. I'm such an idiot. I got dumped in front of the whole world. I don't... I don't even know what I said to your mom at the Hub and I hate that she saw me like that. What is wrong with me?

**ERIC:**

Hey, nothing. Look, your mom left. Come on – you’re allowed to freak out.

**DONNA:**

Everybody warned me about Casey and I fell for him anyway. He's such a jackass!

**ERIC:**

I really, really wanted you to figure that out. Just not like this.

**DONNA:**

Eric, I'm just...

(sniffs)

I'm so sorry.

**ERIC:**

Hey.

_He pulls her into an embrace. Donna nestles her head into the crook of his neck as she breaks into tears._

**DONNA:**

I was so stupid!

_As they pull apart, Donna brings Eric into a deep kiss. He just starts to give in when she pulls back and gives him a desperate look._

**DONNA:**

Eric, we should be together.

**ERIC** :

Wait, what?

**DONNA:**

Let's just, like, forget all this other stuff happened.

_She embraces him again._

**ERIC** :

Wait...wait.

_Eric pulls away._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Donna... I mean, if you come running back to me now, I... Donna, I can't be your second choice.

**DONNA:**

But you're not! Eric...

_He bows his head. Even as her tears come again, he won’t look up._

_Donna turns, runs to the door. As she opens it, Kitty spills into the basement. She quickly stands and feigns confusion._

**KITTY:**

Oh! Where am I?

_She zips back out the door, and Donna follows._

**BUMPER**

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - NIGHT**

_Hyde and Fez inspect the damage to the El Camino. Fez’s candy box is balanced on the rim of the flatbed. Jackie paces up and down the driveway, her eyes fixed on the road. Behind his shades, Hyde rolls his eyes._

**HYDE** :

Jackie, just go home.

**JACKIE** :

No! I know Michael has to be here some time. This is the only place he can get popsicles without one of his brothers trying to push the stick up his nose.

**FEZ** :

(nodding)

It’s true. And believe me, that is unpleasant.

_Hyde sighs, crosses to Jackie._

**HYDE** :

Jackie, this is nuts. Shotgun weddings are for rednecks who knock up trailer trash and then get caught by her dad. Look, man, whatever you thought you heard, Kelso doesn’t want to get married. He’s not around because he doesn’t want to see you.

**JACKIE** :

Yes, he does, Steven! He told me that -

**HYDE** :

That he wanted to get married? Kelso? Michael “I didn’t know that firecracker would blow up the toilet” Kelso?

_Jackie’s eyes begin to water. She searches for words and can’t find any. Finally, she shakes her head._

**JACKIE** :

No. No, he didn’t. I got carried away, and I tried to control him, like I always do.

(begins crying)

But he wouldn’t even talk to me about it?

_She rushes to Hyde and throws her arms around his neck. Hyde throws his own hands up in the air._

**HYDE** :

Every time.

**FEZ** : 

(to Jackie)

Hey, he got the last two break-ups! Give someone else a chance!

_Hyde gives Fez a warning look._

**FEZ (cont’d)** :

I know, I know. “Go home, Fez.”

_He begins slinking away, makes it halfway down the drive, then doubles back for his box of candy. He shoots Hyde one last dirty look before taking off._

_Hyde holds Jackie loosely by the arms and gently pushes her back._

**HYDE** :

Jackie... come on, man.

**JACKIE** :

(through tears)

What kind of relationship is this when he tells me he wants to be together forever, then runs away as soon as I want a commitment? And after everything I put up with because he couldn’t get over that one kiss, when I never made him go through anything like that when he cheated on me. Well, enough is enough. I’m over him for good.

_She wipes furiously at her tears. Hyde shifts on his feet; he’s skeptical._

**HYDE** :

What did you want that kind of commitment for, anyway? You’re in high school.

**JACKIE** :

You wouldn’t understand. Steven, you’ve only ever had meaningless flings. I’m not like that, okay? I want love. True love. And Michael and I have been together so long, that I just thought -

**HYDE** :

Jackie, you’ve never been with anyone else. Even after the last time you two broke up, you didn’t see anybody, not really. Now, come on, man. You’re young and free now. Play the field. I told you before, you can find someone better than Kelso.

**JACKIE** :

But Steven, I’ve never felt anything for anybody else.

**HYDE** :

Anybody?

_Jackie looks up from wiping her eyes. She sees Hyde standing right in front of her. We cut to:_

_JACKIE’S POV. She looks at Hyde’s chest, showing through the open buttons of his shirt..._

_At his mouth as he smacks his lips..._

_At his shades, as one eyebrow goes up..._

_END POV. Jackie grabs Hyde’s head in her hands and pulls him down into a rough, deep kiss. Hyde gives in, snakes his fingers through her hair as Jackie runs her hands up and down his body._

_They break apart. Hyde coughs, adjusts his shades._

**HYDE** :

Huh.

(beat)

Jackie, you’re on the rebound, and this didn’t take the last time we were here. If you’re just looking to get back at Kelso -

_Jackie throws down the door to the flatbed of the El Camino and points._

**JACKIE:**

Get in.

_Hyde looks from the flatbed to Jackie. She holds up his keys in her free hand._

**HYDE** :

Hey, you keep stealing my keys, it’s gonna stop being a turn-on.

_Jackie gives him a look._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

(laughs)

No it’s not.

_Jackie throws herself at him. Her weight sends them crashing back into the flatbed._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - NIGHT**

_Eric is in a chair from the kitchen table, turned to face the living room door. Red and Kitty stand over him, both furious._

**RED:**

Let me get this straight: Donna wanted to get back together and you said no?

**ERIC** :

I said no.

**RED:**

_You_ said _no!_

**KITTY:**

(beat)

Dumbass!

**ERIC:**

Look, I have my reasons, okay?

**KITTY:**

What could they be? What could they possibly be?

**ERIC:**

Casey dumps her and she comes to me? Okay, I'm not a rebound!

**RED:**

So you're too proud to take her back? And what do you have to be so proud of? You're not an athlete. The only smart thing about you is your mouth. And look at you!

**KITTY:**

Red, Red, he looks fine! He's just so darn stupid! I'm very upset.

**ERIC:**

Well, stop, okay? Because I already feel bad enough as it is.

**KITTY:**

Well you should!

**ERIC:**

Well, I do! I love her.

_He stands, starts to pace._

**ERIC:**

God, why do I always have to screw these things up, you know? Why does everything always have to be my way? That's why we broke up in the first place.

**KITTY:**

Well, we've all known that for a year!

**ERIC:**

Okay. Okay, I have to tell Donna how I feel.

_He doesn’t move at once._

**RED:**

Then go!

_Eric nods, heads out the patio door._

_Kitty leans on Red, and he puts an arm around her._

**KITTY:**

Oh, Red!

**RED:**

I know. We're never gonna get him out of the house.

CUT TO:

**INT. DONNA’S BEDROOM – NIGHT**

_The lights are off, but the door is open. Eric runs inside._

**ERIC:**

Donna?

_No one answers. Eric steps inside, looks around._

_Bob and Joanne enter. Eric crosses to them._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

Oh, hello, Mr. Pinciotti, Mrs... I'm sorry, Joanne, I don't know your last name. I have something to tell you guys. I love Donna.

**JOANNE:**

Well, she isn't here. We don't know where she is.

(beat)

And it's Stupack.

**ERIC:**

Well, if it's okay, I'll just wait.

_He sits down on the bed. Bob crosses to him, pats his shoulder._

**BOB:**

Sure. I always liked you.

**ERIC:**

Oh, thank you, sir.

**BOB:**

But do me a favor. Don't play with her undergarments.

_He and Joanne exit as Eric settles in._

CUT TO:

**EXT. HUB PARKING LOT - NIGHT**

_Past closing hours. Kelso’s Samba slowly pulls into the lot. Kelso sticks his head out, looking left and right. He brings the van into park, gets out, and stretches._

_Donna walks by, a knapsack slung over her shoulder. Kelso crosses to her._

**KELSO:**

Hey. Where are you going?

**DONNA:**

Bus station. I'm going to my mom's in California.

**KELSO:**

Oh, my God. You're running away.

**DONNA:**

I don't know what else to do.

**KELSO** :

No, I know how you feel. I feel trapped in this town. There isn’t any place I can go where I’m not gonna eventually run into Jackie. And when that happens –

_He hums a few bars of the wedding march, then mimes hanging himself._

**KELSO (cont’d):**

Hey... hey, you know what? I'll drive you. We'll both go to California!

_He slaps Donna on the shoulder and goes back to the van._

**DONNA:**

Kelso, are you up for this?

**KELSO:**

Hey, if the Beverly Hillbillies can do it, so can I.

_Donna chuckles and nods._

**DONNA:**

Great, let's go.

_They both climb into the van. Kelso starts ‘er up, and they take off._

CUT TO:

**INT. DONNA’S BEDROOM – NIGHT**

_Eric lies back on the bed. He plays with the pillows, twiddles his thumbs, and checks his watch._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**CREDITS**

**EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY**

_MUSIC NOTE: Theme from “The Beverley Hillbillies.”_

_On the road for California. Donna sleeps while Kelso drives. Kelso glances over, sees that Donna is asleep. He reaches a hand back for her chest. She wakes up just in time to smack him away._

**DONNA:**

Kelso! I'm not gonna tell you again!

**KELSO:**

I was just reaching for my soda. Damn!

**DONNA:**

I should have taken the bus.

**END.**


	22. J/H 5-01: Going to California

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go - Season 5!
> 
> There's not gonna be a whole lot rewritten from Season 5 - like I said at the outset, my goal was to eventually link back up with continuity here. But there are a few things that need to change, now that Zen's been an ongoing tension since Season 3...
> 
> (I also couldn't resist imagining a new opening credits sequence.)

**INT. VISTA CRUISER – NIGHT**

_A) The gang out on the road. Eric drives, with Donna next to him and Hyde in the passenger’s seat. Behind him sits Jackie, then Fez, then Kelso._

**THEME SONG:**

_Hangin’ out..._

_B) Hyde drives, his arm around Jackie while Kelso sits in the passenger’s seat. Behind him sits Eric, then Donna, then Fez. Kelso tries to reach an arm across Jackie, but Hyde gives him a jab to the head without looking away from the road, and he pulls his arm back._

**THEME SONG:**

_Down the street..._

_C) Jackie drives, with Donna next to her and Kitty in the passenger’s seat._

**THEME SONG:**

_The same old thing..._

_D) Bob drives, while Kitty and Red cuddle together in the back behind the passenger’s seat._

**THEME SONG:**

_We did last week..._

_E) Fez drives, with Donna next to him and Eric in the passenger’s seat. Behind him sits Kelso, then Hyde, then Jackie. Eric and Donna lean into Fez as they sing along._

**THEME SONG:**

_Not a thing to do..._

_F) Jackie drives, with Hyde next to her. Donna and Eric cuddle in the back behind the passenger’s seat. Jackie and Donna try to sing along, but Hyde and Eric distract them by kissing their cheeks and necks._

**THEME SONG:**

_But talk to you..._

_G) Red drives, with Kitty next to him and Bob in the passenger’s seat. Behind him sits Hyde, then Eric, then Donna. The kids and Bob sing along while Kitty smiles and Red scowls._

**THEME SONG:**

_We’re all alright!_

_H) Eric drives, with Donna next to him and Hyde in the passenger’s seat. Behind him sits Jackie, then Fez, then Kelso._

**THEME SONG:**

_We’re all alright!_

_I) The creators’ license plate, a 1977 sticker in the corner._

**HYDE (v.o.):**

Hello, Wisconsin!

*******

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT**

_ERIC jumps over the couch and races up the stairs._

**ERIC** :

Dammit, I’m going! I gotta go pack!

_FEZ jumps to his feet and hurries up after him._

**FEZ** :

Wait, let me help! I love putting together outfits.

_Once both of them are up the stairs, HYDE moves to the couch. After turning on the TV, JACKIE does the same._

**HYDE** :

Finally.

**JACKIE** :

Yeah, I thought they’d never leave.

_They lean into each other and start to make out._

**JACKIE (cont’d):**

You know, Steven, it was really nice of you to get that ticket for Eric.

**HYDE** :

Nice nothing, baby. Let’s skank up his bed while he’s gone.

_Jackie chokes down a laugh but can’t hide a smile. Hyde grins back and pulls her face back to his, and they go at it again._

*******

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY**

_The next day. Jackie and Hyde stand in front of an open fridge, making out._

**JACKIE** :

Okay, Steven, summer’s almost over. Now, where is this going?

**HYDE** :

Jackie, you know the rules: no talking ‘til the blood gets back up north.

_She considers, shrugs, and goes back to making out._

_KITTY enters from the living room. Hyde and Jackie break apart as Kitty’s eyes bulge and her jaw drops._

**KITTY** :

I KNEW IT!

**HYDE** :

No, it’s not what you think!

_If she even heard him, she ignores it._

**KITTY** :

“She’s not his girlfriend, Mom.” “She’s not my girlfriend, Mrs. Forman.” Well!

(laughs)

Oh, I am just so -

**JACKIE** :

Eric’s in California.

_All of Kitty’s joy drains away. She turns heel and heads straight back into the living room._

**HYDE** :

Jackie, you just totally burned Forman.

(beat)

That is so badass.

_And back to making out they go._


	23. J/H 5-02: I Can't Quit You, Baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This episode was always going to need some adjusting in a timeline where Zen kept going after "Jackie Bags Hyde," and it was a lot of fun to write. It's another partial script, and context should be clear on each scene for those familiar with the episode. It's also a continuation of a goal I had from the Season 4 finale - playing in more to Hyde's eventual paranoia about how committed Jackie is.

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY**

_Alone in the basement, HYDE and JACKIE lie across the couch, making out. From behind the door, in the stairwell, FEZ’s voice wafts through, singing._

**FEZ (v.o.)** :

_Oh, say can you see..._

_Oh, say can you see..._

_Hearing Fez, Hyde and Jackie freeze up._

**HYDE** :

What the hell?

**JACKIE** :

Fez!

_She gives him a push upright and sits up herself. They straighten out and settle on opposite ends of the couch just as Fez enters the basement._

**FEZ** :

_Oh, say can you see..._

(beat)

Wait a second. You two look sweaty and guilty. Have you been eating my candy?

**JACKIE** :

What candy?

**FEZ** :

I didn’t say candy. And I certainly don’t have any candy hidden in the garage.

(beat)

I will be in the garage.

_He turns around and heads back out the door._

**JACKIE:**

(sighs)

Steven, that was way too close. You need to learn to keep your hands off me.

**HYDE** :

Me? You’re the one who can’t keep her tongue to herself.

**JACKIE** :

Look, this isn’t going to stay a secret if you can’t control yourself, so shape up.

**HYDE** :

You know what your problem is? You’re really cute, so no one ever told you to shut your pie-hole.

**JACKIE** :

(beat)

You think I’m cute?

**HYDE** :

Shut your pie-hole!

_Insult notwithstanding, they throw themselves at each other and get back at it._

**MAIN CREDITS**

*******

**EXT. BASEMENT STAIRWELL - NIGHT**

_ERIC and DONNA, returning from the Pinciotti house, descend the stairs. Donna is still in her school uniform._

**ERIC** :

I can’t believe they’re making you wear those knee-high socks every day.

_He pulls a face of delight and pumps his fist. Donna shakes her head and throws open the door to:_

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT**

_The sight of Hyde and Jackie making out on the couch. At the sound of the door opening they both look up, a pair of deer in the headlights. Eric and Donna break into matching wide-eyed grins._

**DONNA** :

What the hell?

**JACKIE** :

Oh, my God.

**ERIC** :

Oh, the humanity!

**DONNA:**

Jackie!

**JACKIE** :

(to Hyde)

Get off me!

_She shoves him to the other end of the couch. Hyde looks over Donna’s uniform._

**HYDE** :

(to Donna)

Great outfit!

_Eric shrugs and nods as Jackie and Donna both glare at Hyde._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT**

_Moments later. Donna remains by the doorway, mouth hanging open. Jackie and Hyde are still on the couch. Eric paces up and down behind it._

**DONNA** :

It happened. It finally happened.

**ERIC** :

We joked. We mocked. We did all we could to make light of it, because the idea of it becoming a reality was just too horrible!

_He makes a show of throwing his hands to the sky. Donna is still grinning._

**DONNA** :

(to Hyde)

You know, with that beard, it’s like Sabrina Duncan was Frenching Grizzly Adams.

**HYDE** :

(to Donna)

Hey, Ann-Margret, you’re the one who came back from California so’s you could make out with Opie.

_He stands, paces behind his chair._

**JACKIE** :

(to Eric, Donna)

Okay. So, you two are probably wondering what’s going on...

**HYDE** :

Hold up there, Jaq. I reserve my right to remain silent. Good cop, sexy cop here ain’t breaking me.

_He sits in his chair, looks up at Donna._

**HYDE (cont’d):**

Though I might have a little trouble resisting orders from that uniform.

**JACKIE:**

Yeah. Look, can we not make a big deal about this? This was just a summer fling.

**ERIC** :

(beat)

“Was?”

**JACKIE** :

“Was” what?

**ERIC** :

You said “was.” “It _was_ a summer fling.”

**DONNA** :

Wait... so does that mean it’s over now, or...

_Jackie’s eyes dart to Hyde, and Hyde looks to her. They both shift in their seats._

**ERIC/DONNA** :

OH!/WOW!

_Eric and Donna both cry out, march around in place, and pull wild, amused faces as Jackie and Hyde roll their eyes._

_Fez strolls in through the open door. The first thing he sees is Donna in her uniform._

**FEZ** :

(to Donna)

Well, well. Naughty ladies wear plaid.

**DONNA** :

Fez, please.

**KELSO** :

That’s right. Beg for it, sexy schoolgirl.

**DONNA** :

Fez, it finally happened.

**FEZ:**

The Playboy Bunnies are coming to Point Place?

**DONNA:**

No – Jackie and Hyde!

_Fez considers for a second, then realizes what she means._

**FEZ:**

OH!

_Fez’s eyes go wide, and he beings to march in place and pull the same wild faces as Eric and Donna did. Jackie, unamused, looks to Hyde, who puts a hand over his face._

**ERIC** :

I just... I can’t – I can’t – I can’t – I can’t -

**HYDE** :

Hey, Porky Pig, shut your porker.

**DONNA** :

(to Jackie)

So when you said “summer fling,” how long does that mean this has been going on?

**JACKIE** :

(sighs)

Since the night you and Michael left for California.

**ERIC** :

Since the night they – what?

**FEZ** :

And you could not tell your friends? Kelso was gone, Donna was gone, I had no woman – Fez went the whole summer without a show, dammit!

**DONNA** :

(to Jackie)

Were you even broken up with Kelso by then?

**ERIC** :

(gasps)

_Kelso!_

_The grin slides off his face. He looks away from the others, his hands going over his mouth._

**HYDE** :

(to Eric)

Settle down, Esmerelda.

**ERIC** :

Okay, just pick a name and stick to it!

**JACKIE** :

(to Donna, Fez)

Look, Michael ran out on me before he even left for California. I was so over him. And... well, like you said, Donna, I was ready to find someone else. And Steven was there.

**FEZ** :

I was there too!

(to Hyde)

You sent me home that night, you son of a bitch!

**JACKIE** :

No Fez, I mean he’s been there. And I needed a fling, and that’s what Steven does. Even though he didn’t have his hobo-beard then.

_Fez and Donna, still amused, look to Hyde for his side of the story._

**HYDE** :

(shrugs)

She’s hot.

**FEZ** :

Oh, please. We’ve known about you all along, Johnny Cool.

_Donna nods. Jackie looks to Hyde, who shrugs again._

_Eric crosses to the couch, leans on the back._

**ERIC** :

Hang on, guys. Now, look – joking around is one thing. Attraction is one thing, whether it’s...

(points at Fez)

A freaky, foreign flame...

(points to Jackie)

A crazy cheerleader crush...

(points to Hyde)

Or the unholy pull of the devil on a hellraiser. But actually dating within the group? This is not good, okay? Kelso is gonna freak out.

_Donna’s and Fez’s faces both fall._

**DONNA/FEZ** :

Oh, God./Ai!

**JACKIE** : 

And why does Michael need to know?

**ERIC** :

Because you’re breaking up the band, Yoko!

**DONNA** :

He’s right. This is gonna be really bad.

(to Jackie)

I mean, when Kelso finds out that his best friend is your new boyfriend -

**JACKIE** :

He is not my boyfriend!

**HYDE** :

I’m not her boyfriend!

(to Jackie)

They just don’t get it.

**JACKIE** :

No, why would they?

(beat)

Let’s go, baby.

_They both stand, and she leads him out the door._

_Eric and Donna move to sit on the couch while Fez remains standing by the door._

**ERIC** :

Jackie and Hyde. Batman and Catwoman. James Bond and Pussy Galore’s bitchy little sister.

**DONNA** :

No, this could work out. I mean, Hyde’s been a good influence on her anyway.

**ERIC** :

Donna, he’s taught her the basics of vandalism, carjacking, and breaking and entering.

**DONNA** :

All right, so the curriculum is evil, but just the act of making her think is something. And he won’t admit it, but Jackie brings out Hyde’s soft side. This could be good.

**ERIC** :

Yeah. And, if it doesn’t work out... I mean, we’ve broken up once, and Jackie and Kelso have broken up way, _way_ more than once and we’re all still friends. It might not be so bad.

**FEZ** :

Yes. Kelso might even be happy for them, and not do anything stupid.

_They all take a beat to think about that._

**DONNA** :

It’s gonna be bad.

**ERIC/FEZ** :

Oh, yeah./And how.

*******

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY**

_Once Fez and KELSO are gone, Hyde gets up from his chair, snags “Rolling Stone” from the coffee table, and sits next to Jackie on the couch. Jackie leans in slightly to read over his shoulder._

_Eric gets off the back of the couch and moves behind Donna in the lawn chair. They both look to Jackie and Hyde and grin. Jackie and Hyde keep reading, not looking up, but Donna and Eric keep grinning. Finally, Hyde flips the magazine down in frustration._

**HYDE/JACKIE** :

Shut up!

_Eric and Donna giggle._

**DONNA:**

Wow. You two are already doing the couple doublespeak? It’s like Siamese twins – but, you know, no incest.

**ERIC** :

Still going with the “summer fling” story, huh?

**HYDE** :

Yes. And this is why we didn’t wanna tell you. So I fooled around with a chick. It’s what I do all the time anyway.

**JACKIE** :

Yeah. And I just needed to clear my head. I didn’t need another relationship. And, if I did, I didn’t want it to turn into _Lady and the Tramp_.

(points at Hyde’s beard)

I mean, look how scruffy that thing is!

**DONNA** :

You do know every part of that was in the past tense, right?

**ERIC** :

Oh, this is _so_ a relationship now.

**HYDE:**

I don’t do relationships.

**DONNA** :

Well, whatever it is, if you keep it up, you should tell Kelso.

**ERIC** :

Yeah, or this is gonna get ugly. “Creature from the Black Lagoon” ugly.

**JACKIE** :

Okay, look – Michael doesn’t need to know about this, okay? In fact... we’ll just break it off right now.

**HYDE** :

(beat)

Look, there’s nothing to even break off, so it’s fine by me.

**ERIC** :

(beat)

Okay.

**DONNA** :

Okay.

**ERIC** :

Good. Donna, now that you’re attending Catholic school, let us go and see if one of the priests will perform an exorcism in my basement.

_They exit out the basement door._

_Hyde puts back up the magazine, but Jackie gently grabs his arm._

**JACKIE** :

Steven, I don’t want to break this off.

**HYDE** :

Hey, you’re the one who keeps calling it a summer fling. If we’re gonna break it off, let’s break it off now.

**JACKIE** :

No.

(nods to door)

They were right. This isn’t a fling anymore. I mean, I like how scruffy you are.

**HYDE** :

Man, you were a whole lot easier to deal with when you just sickened me like you’re supposed to.

(sighs)

All right, fine. Let’s just go from here.

_He tosses “Rolling Stone” onto the coffee table and cups Jackie’s face in his hands._

**JACKIE** :

Okay, now – what about Michael?

**HYDE** :

Details, baby, details.

_He pulls her in, and they start to make out._


	24. J/H 5-03: What is and What Should Never Be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another episode where adjustments were going to be inevitable. Pretty brief this time; rewrites are only in one section near the beginning of the episode. Context should be clear if you know the episode.

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - DAY**

_A pleasant afternoon, and the driveway is wide open. FEZ and KELSO shoot hoops while DONNA (in her school uniform) and ERIC discuss the big news._

**DONNA** :

I can’t believe they’re having a baby.

**ERIC** :

I can’t believe they’re still having sex. I mean, my dad’s back goes out if you look at him wrong.

_Fez and Kelso stop playing and join them._

**KELSO** :

(to Eric)

Hey, where’s Hyde? I haven’t seen him all day.

**ERIC** :

Oh, uh... Fotohut.

**KELSO** :

Oh.

_He starts dribbling the basketball again, then stops._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

You know, he wasn’t around last night, either.

**ERIC** :

Uh... skank of the week?

**KELSO** :

Oh.

_He starts to dribble again, then stops._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

And Jackie hasn’t been around much either.

**DONNA** :

Uh... she’s at the movies.

**KELSO** :

What movie?

**DONNA** :

Um... you know. That new movie where the beautiful, intelligent redhead who’s really tired of all the secrets everyone keeps keeping starts busting heads over it.

**FEZ** :

Sissy Spacek busts heads?

(beat)

Excuse me.

_He turns and cuts through the garage. Kelso shrugs and drops the basketball._

**KELSO** :

Oops. Uh, a little help there, Donna?

**DONNA** :

Sure.

_She bends over, and Kelso lets out a loud cheer. Donna responds by throwing the basketball right into his gut, sending him toppling over. Eric, chuckling, steps in toward Donna._

**ERIC** :

Well, I’m really looking forward to this new Sissy Spacek movie.

_Donna smiles at him, and they head into the kitchen, leaving a moaning Kelso rolling around in the driveway._

**BUMPER**

**INT. HYDE’S ROOM - DAY**

_Later that day. Hyde’s room also being a storage space, KITTY has taken out a trunk full of old baby things. Eric and Donna stand beside her as she rifles through it._

**KITTY** :

Oh, Eric, look – your little pink baby sweater. Oh, oh, and the matching pink bonnet!

_She holds them up, beaming. Donna tries not to snicker._

**ERIC** :

Um, had they explained to you yet that I was a boy?

**KITTY** :

Oh, I am just so excited about this new baby.

**ERIC** :

Well, you should be. And Dad should be, too. What’s with him, anyway?

**KITTY:**

Oh, no, that’s just his way. He’ll be fine. When I first told him about you, he said “oh, crap” and stormed out. Don’t worry about your father. He’ll come around. He always does.

_Kitty gathers the sweater and bonnet up and exits._

_Eric and Donna start to look through the trunk when HYDE and JACKIE enter._

**HYDE** :

Hey.

_Eric and Donna look up._

**ERIC** :

Well, well. If it isn’t Bonnie and Clyde. You’re welcome. We just had to cover for you two this morning.

**DONNA** :

Yeah, you two need to tell Kelso. He’s starting to notice things. I think he might figure out what’s been going on.

_Hyde and Jackie share a look, as do Eric and Donna. All four of them break out laughing._

**ERIC** :

No, but seriously, guys. Come on, listen to your conscience.

**HYDE** :

Okay, I’m getting out of here before Jiminy Cricket starts singing.

_He strolls right back out of the room, with Eric following. Jackie moves to follow them, but Donna holds her back._

**DONNA:**

Jackie, you two owe it to Kelso to tell him the truth.

**JACKIE** :

I don’t owe that loser anything! If Michael can keep sucking on every third tongue in Point Place a secret from me while we were dating, then I don’t need to tell him I moved on with a real man.

_She tries to leave again, but Donna pulls her back. Instead of pressing the argument, though, Donna shifts on her feet, a smile curling on her mouth._

**DONNA** :

(beat)

Can I ask something? What made you come around on Hyde? I remember when you had that crush on him, and you came down from that really fast.

**JACKIE** :

I don’t know. He’s smart, he’s complicated, he’s protective, and...

_Now she shifts on her feet, suddenly coy._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

Okay, you know how, when you have to do without, you can pack the washing machine with an unbalanced load and ride it?

_Donna nods, eager._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

Well, after Steven, that’s just not enough anymore.

_Donna claps a hand over her mouth as Jackie breaks into giggles._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY**

_Concurrent with the previous scene. Eric sits on the back of the couch, near Hyde’s chair, while Hyde rummages through the deep freeze._

**HYDE** :

Look, Forman, you can get off my back, all right? I’m gonna tell Kelso. I’ll have to tell him. It’s looking like me and Jackie might be together a little while.

_He crosses to his chair, two popsicles in hand. He tosses one to Eric._

**ERIC** :

Man, I still don’t get why it’s _Jackie_ that made you go steady. If you wanted something small and evil to look out for, we could’ve found you a stray cat. I mean, your check list for women always come down to blonde, busty, and slutty. Jackie ticks maybe one out of three, and that’s assuming she “develops” more. Come to think of it – why was Kelso with her?

**HYDE** :

All right, maybe this’ll help. You know Jackie made head cheerleader, right?

_Eric nods._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

That took a lot of energy, a lot of agility, and a lot of bitchiness. Now, take all that and put it in the bedroom.

_Eric looks up in thought. His eyes go wide and his jaw drops. He looks to a grinning Hyde, and they both slowly nod._

_Kelso comes down the stairs._

**KELSO** :

Hey, guys. What’re you talking about?

_Eric and Hyde both spring to their feet._

**ERIC/HYDE** :

Indy 500.

_They look to each other and grin._

**ERIC/HYDE** :

Nice!/All right!

**KELSO** :

Hey, can one of you guys give me a ride to the DMV tomorrow? I lost my license in California.

**ERIC** :

Sure, Hyde’ll take you.

**HYDE** :

(to Eric)

What?

**ERIC** :

(to Kelso)

Yeah, it’ll give you two a chance to catch up. He can tell you how he spent his summer break.

**HYDE** :

(beat)

Yeah. All right.

(to Kelso)

So what happened to your license, man?

**KELSO** :

Oh, a shark ate it!

**ERIC** :

Really? How?

**KELSO** :

(beat)

Fine, I lost it! You happy now?


	25. J/H 5-04: Heartbreaker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here, we're just adjusting the beginning of the episode up until the first confrontation between Kelso and Hyde.
> 
> You may be wondering, "are there any full rewrites of Season 5 episodes?" Well, don't worry, reader - I've saved the best (or at least, the most comprehensive) for last... stay tuned...

**SHOW TITLE**

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – NIGHT**

_The last moments of the previous episode. KELSO, amiably confused, giggles at the sight of JACKIE and HYDE kissing through the patio door as ERIC and DONNA look on._

**KELSO** :

Why’s Hyde kissing Jackie?

_He looks to Eric, who looks down at his feet, and to Donna, who shakes her head. Slowly, he understands. He slams his soda down on the counter._

**KELSO:**

What the hell? He's dead!

**DONNA:**

Kelso...

_He pays her no mind, but bolts to the patio door. When he tries to open it, however, it won’t budge. He struggles with the door, even as Jackie and Hyde walk away._

**KELSO** :

Open, dammit! No, they're getting away!

(to Eric)

What is wrong with this thing?

**ERIC** :

Well, this is against my better judgment, but...

_He flips down the lock on the door._

**KELSO** :

Thank you. Now, Hyde's really dead!

_He takes one step, and hits the screen door behind the patio door, knocking it off its frame._

**KELSO (cont’d):**

OW! That's invisible!

_He throws the screen door to the ground and steps back inside._

**MAIN CREDITS**

**BUMPER**

_MUSIC NOTE: “Heartless” by Heart._

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – NIGHT**

_Moments later. Eric and Donna lead Kelso over to the kitchen table and sit him down._

**ERIC** :

Donna, we have to stabilize him. We're gonna need pudding, and lots of it.

_She nods, crosses to the fridge. Kelso stands and begins to pace._

**KELSO:**

Who chooses a chick over a friend?

**ERIC** :

What? Kelso, come on. Remember when you made me walk home in a blizzard 'cause you wanted ten extra minutes to make out with Pam Macy?

**KELSO:**

No, but I didn't steal Pam Macy from you. And you could've played in the snow until we were done.

(points to door)

How long has this been going on?

_Donna, giant bowl of pudding in hand, crosses to them._

**DONNA:**

I guess since we left for California.

**KELSO:**

WHAT?

**DONNA:**

You’d already ran out on Jackie by then, remember? She wanted to get married, you bailed, so she found someone else. Look at the facts, Kelso.

**KELSO:**

No. I don't care. I'm kicking Hyde's ass.

_He moves for the door, but Eric blocks his path._

**ERIC:**

Whoa, Kelso, Kelso, come on. You couldn't open my kitchen door. I mean...

**DONNA** :

Seriously. Think about how this plan usually turns out.

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY**

_FLASHBACK. Hyde and Donna sit on opposite ends of the couch, watching TV, while Kelso stands and chews gum. He sneaks behind Hyde, leans over, and spits the gum into his hair. He gets maybe three full seconds to laugh before Hyde pulls him over the back of the couch, flips him over, and punches him in the eye._

**KELSO:**

(Groans)

That's my eye!

CUT TO:

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – NIGHT**

_FLASHBACK. On the porch, Eric and Donna sit in the chairs while Kelso hangs on the railing. Hyde steps out from the kitchen with a plate of brownies._

**HYDE:**

Nice.

_He sets them down on the railing and heads back inside. Kelso bends over and licks both brownies. He’s still doing that when Hyde comes back out with a glass of milk. He sets the milk down, wrestles Kelso onto the pavement, and punches him in the eye._

**KELSO:**

Ah! My eye!

_He stands up, pouts, and then marches off in a huff through the garage._

CUT TO:

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY**

_FLASHBACK. The El Camino is in the driveway, the radio on full blast. Hyde lovingly polishes the hood of the car while Kelso watches from the porch chairs._

_Hyde goes to the garage. As soon as he’s out of sight, Kelso hops up, drops his pants, and sits on the hood of the El Camino and wiggles his butt around. Unfortunately, he isn’t out of Hyde’s sight._

**HYDE:**

Bastard!

_He races back out. Kelso hops off the car and tries to run around it._

**KELSO:**

No, no, stop! That's my butt print! Look at it! No two are the same!

_Hyde catches and tackles him back behind the El Camino. We hear a very ugly THUMP._

**KELSO:**

Ow!

(Crying)

My eye!

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – NIGHT**

_Back to the present. Kelso crosses back to the kitchen table and sits down._

**KELSO:**

Well, what am I supposed to do? I mean, he broke the code! He's wrong!

_He looks to Eric for support; Eric shrugs and gives a reluctant nod._

**KELSO (cont’d):**

He's, like, my oldest friend, and he stabbed me in the back.

_Donna steps forward with a cheery smile and the bowl of pudding. Kelso takes it and start eating._

**DONNA:**

So, Kelso, how many things around here have you put your butt on?

_Kelso takes a long look around the kitchen._

**KELSO:**

Let's start with what I haven't put my butt on.

***

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY**

_Eric and Donna sit on one end of the couch, and Kelso on the arm of the other. “How Long” by Ace plays on the radio._

**KELSO:**

I can't believe that you knew Jackie and Hyde were together and you didn't tell me.

**DONNA:**

We didn’t tell Jackie when you were cheating on her with Laurie.

**KELSO:**

(scoffs)

That is not the same!

**DONNA:**

Why not?

**KELSO:**

Laurie wasn’t Jackie’s best friend! And neither was Pam Macy. Or Mrs. Ferguson. Or the ones I never told you about.

_Eric and Donna share a look as Kelso turns away, pouting._

**KELSO (cont’d):**

I'm - it's just - how can Hyde do this to me?

_KITTY and FEZ come down the stairs, Kitty with a load of laundry._

**KITTY:**  
Uh-oh. It sounds like he knows.

**FEZ:**

Finally.

**KELSO** :

What, your mom knew? And Fez? Fez never knows anything!

**FEZ** :

I know. I'm really coming into my own.

**KELSO** :

Whatever. You know, none of this is as bad as Hyde not telling me. I mean, I know Jackie had a crush on him for a while when we were broken up, but I’m starting to think all those times, when me and her were dating, when Hyde took her side, and taught her stuff, and tried to get me caught screwing up? I think he might have liked her then too!

**ERIC** :

(flat)

No. Really?

**KELSO** :

That’s right. The mindblowers are comin’ left and right today, Eric! Keep up! You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna make him tell me.

**DONNA** :

How are you gonna do that?

**KELSO** :

By outwitting him conversationally. What a fine game of cat and mouse it will be.

**KITTY** :

(beat)

I'm gonna go find an eye patch.

_She hurries up the stairs as Fez takes Hyde’s chair._

_Hyde himself enters through the basement door. Kelso hurries to meet him._

**HYDE** :

What's up?

**KELSO** :

(circling Hyde)

That's an interesting question, _Hyde_. What is up?

**HYDE** :

(beat)

Well, I guess you know about me and Jackie.

**KELSO** :

Ahh! So the battle of wits has begun!

**HYDE** :

What battle of wits? I admit it. I've been messing around with Jackie.

**KELSO** :

I hate you!

_He lunges at Hyde, but Hyde side steps. Kelso crashes face-first into the corner of an old speaker._

**KELSO (cont’d):**

Ow! My eye!

_He slaps a hand over his eye, pouts at Hyde, and storms off through the basement door._


	26. J/H 5-06: Over the Hills and Far Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was an interesting case, the one page-one rewrite of Season 5. I really like this episode as it is, and I think it's one of the best of the fifth season - overall, and for J/H. But because of the rewrites done to "Eric's Naughty No-No," Hyde's dilemma about fidelity here would be redundant. So, I've come up with something else for him and Jackie in this timeline...
> 
> (Following production order, we assume that episode 5-05, "Ramble On," played out as we know it, without changes.)

**SHOW TITLE**

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - NIGHT**

_Suppertime. RED, HYDE, and ERIC are at the kitchen table, with dinner laid out before them. KITTY, with a last tray of food, scurries over and takes her seat._

**KITTY** :

Okay. So, is everyone ready for our big trip to the University of Wisconsin?

**ERIC** :

Yeah, Donna and I have it all mapped out. She is going to buy a tight sweater with a big red “W” on it, and I am going to watch her wear it.

_Red looks up from his meal, glares at Eric._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

(to Red)

And then we’re gonna buckle down.

**KITTY** :

Steven, honey, are you sure you don’t want to come with us?

**HYDE** :

No thanks, Mrs. Forman. I’m not the college type. I get my learnin’ on the street.

**RED** :

(to Hyde)

That reminds me – all the beer’s coming out of the house. All the wine, too. Anything with alcohol, I’m moving out of here tonight. So if you somehow cut yourself while we’re gone, pack it with ice and hope to God you reach the hospital in time.

**HYDE:**

You’re thinking of what happened last New Years’ Eve, aren’t you?

**RED:**

See there – you’ve got the smarts for college.

**KITTY:**

(to Eric)

Well, I just can’t believe my baby is all grown up and visiting college.

(beat)

I am so freaking old!

**ERIC** :

And menopause makes another unwelcome appearance at the dinner table.

_Kitty starts fanning herself._

_The patio door opens, and DONNA enters the kitchen. Eric stands to meet her._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Hey, there’s my favorite co-ed. Hey, you all packed for visitors’ weekend?

**DONNA** :

I can’t go. My dad is making me visit Marquette instead. He thinks it’s a better school ‘cause it’s private. Oh, and ‘cause it sounds French.

**ERIC** :

Well, you know what? We’ll just go with you. I mean, if it’s a better school, then I belong there too. Right, Dad?

**RED** :

No. State schools are cheap. That’s where you belong.

**ERIC** :

Well, what if, like, you took out a second mortgage on the house?

_Red and Hyde both laugh._

**RED** :

Not for you, dumbass.

**MAIN CREDITS**

**BUMPER**

**INT. DONNA’S BEDROOM - NIGHT**

_Shortly after dinner. As Eric watches, Donna packs for visitors’ weekend._

**DONNA** :

I have a bad feeling about this weekend, Eric. Nothing good can come from us visiting different schools.

**ERIC** :

Well, yeah, but there’s an upside. Two days apart... I mean, when we get together, it’s gonna be electric, baby. Like a thunderstorm.

**DONNA** :

Eric, I’m serious. I mean, what if we actually end up going to different colleges and we’re apart for four years?

**ERIC** :

Well, then, come semester break, you’d better board up your windows, ‘cause guess what? Here comes Hurricane Eric.

**DONNA:**

Board up my windows? What are my windows? And, whatever they are, wouldn’t you want them open?

**ERIC** :

Mmm.

_Donna tries to keep packing, but Eric moves in closer._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Look, Donna, all I’m saying is that I think we can get through anything. I mean, we go to different schools now and we’re fine, because our love is strong. Like a big, burly bear. So zip up your tent, ‘cause guess what? This bear has claws.

**DONNA** :

Again, wouldn’t you want my tent open?

**ERIC** :

Mmm.

**BUMPER**

**EXT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY**

_The next morning, pre-trip. Red and Hyde stand by the sink, sipping sodas. Eric comes in from the living room, dressed for the road with a backpack slung over his shoulders._

**RED** :

Hold it, Son. Now, before we hit the road, we need to have a talk about that horrible thing that’s taken over your mother.

**ERIC** :

You mean her change of life?

**HYDE** :

I thought we were calling it the lady parts problem.

**RED** :

It goes by many names. Now we’re dealing with a tricky enemy here. I haven’t been this frosty since Korea. And, just like a commie, it can jump out and attack you at any moment.

**KITTY (v.o.)** :

Red, honey?

**HYDE** :

Incoming!

**ERIC:**

Retreat!

_Hyde rushes down to the basement while Eric breaks for the patio door. They clear out just as Kitty enters from the living room._

**KITTY** :

Red, um, you know, I’ve been a tad bit moody lately. So, um, if you don’t want me to go on this trip, I’ll understand.

**RED** :

Well, you know, honey, there’s really no need for you to go.

**DONNA** :

I _knew_ you didn’t want me to go! Well, I am going whether you like it or not!

(Stars fanning herself)

Why is it so damn hot in here? It’s like... it’s like we’re living in Hell!

_She storms back out into the living room._

**RED** :

You can say that again.

_He sighs and nurses his soda._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY**

_A truncated gang all share the couch – Hyde, JACKIE, and FEZ. WACKY RACES plays on the TV. Jackie’s eyes, however, are on Hyde, and she sits in as coy a pose as she can._

**JACKIE** :

So, Steven, you have the whole house to yourself this weekend.

**HYDE** :

Yeah, but the Formans are all on edge dealing with all the menopause crap, so I’m playing it safe. We’ll have to take the party on the road.

(to Fez)

All set, buddy?

**FEZ** :

Ten-four, amigo. I got the jumbo size this time.

**JACKIE** :

(to Hyde)

What is he talking about?

**HYDE** :

Saturday night, man. We cruise around, stop by the high school, and throw eggs at the football practice.

**FEZ** :

And then I spend most of Monday running from the football team. Their catch rate is down – I’m really building up my speed.

**JACKIE** :

What? Steven, don’t you remember last week? You finally called me your girlfriend.

_Hyde shrugs; he doesn’t get it._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

We’re officially a couple now.

**HYDE** :

All right. So?

**JACKIE** :

 _So_ , don’t you think we should spend Saturday night together?

**HYDE** :

Hey, you can come if you want. They’ve caught us on the field a few times. We could use your high kicks.

**JACKIE** :

I don’t want to spend our first official Saturday as a couple fighting the football team with Fez.

**FEZ** :

Oh, Jackie, you know there is a good chance I’d be with you wherever you two went for your Saturday night.

_Jackie and Hyde both turn to glare at him; he pulls back to his end of the couch as far as he can._

CUT TO:

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY**

_Concurrent with the previous scene. Eric and Red finish packing up the Vista Cruiser as Kitty comes out from the kitchen, dressed for the trip._

**KITTY** :

Red, honey, you know, I’m sorry about our little spat. The last thing I wanna do is ruin our trip.

**RED** :

Oh, sweetheart, that’s okay.

_He smiles, gives her a quick kiss. Kitty giggles and goes into the Vista Cruiser._

**ERIC** :

Wow. Mom certainly cheered up.

**RED** :

Don’t be fooled. She’s a ticking time bomb.

_They start around the car when KELSO comes running through the garage, an envelope stuck onto his jacket._

**KELSO** :

Hey, wait up!

**RED** :

What do you want?

**KELSO** :

The explanation’s pinned to my lapel.

_Red takes the envelope off Kelso and opens the note inside._

**RED** :

(reading)

“Dear Red, Mr. Kelso and I are unable to take Michael to UW. Here’s thirty dollars so he can go with you.”

_He checks the envelope; it’s empty._

**RED (cont’d):**

(to Kelso)

Where’s the thirty bucks?

**KELSO** :

Oh, I bought this electronical football game.

_He holds the game up._

**RED** :

I swear to God, Kelso! You make Eric look like Einstein!

_Eric pulls a “touched” face, puts his hand on his heart._

**ERIC:**

Thank you, Daddy.

**KELSO:**

(scoffs)

“Thank you?” Einstein was ugly.

_He and Eric move to get in the car as Red rolls his eyes._

CUT TO:

**EXT. OPEN ROAD - DAY**

_The Vista Cruiser speeds down the highway. Red and Kitty sit up front, Eric and Kelso in back. The noise from Kelso’s football game fills the car. Kitty tugs furiously at her collar._

**KITTY:**

Oh! It’s like a sauna in here. I wish you all didn’t have to breathe so much.

**ERIC** : 

All right, Kelso, you heard the lady. No more breathing.

**KITTY** :

(to Eric)

No, I didn’t tell you not to breathe, I told you not to breathe as much. There’s a difference!

**RED** :

(sighs)

Eric, how far are we from the exit?

_Eric glances out the window at the mile markers._

**ERIC** :

Um... we just missed it.

**RED** :

Dammit! You’re supposed to be following the map. What the hell are you doing back there?

_Eric holds up the map – folded into a crown._

**ERIC** :

Making you a crown, ‘cause you’re king of the road!

_He pops the crown on his head, then clutches at his stomach._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Whoa. That last soda’s made it through. Can we pull off to use the bathroom?

**KELSO** :

First and goal!

**RED:**

When’s the next damn exit?

**ERIC:**

Bit of an emergency here.

**KELSO** :

Touchdown!

**KITTY** :

Would you all just shut up!

_She cranks the A/C and takes a few deep breaths, as the men all do their best to pretend not to be there._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY**

_Eggs, eggs, and more eggs! Seven full cartons of eggs cover the kitchen table. Hyde and Fez stand around the table and inspect the eggs, all grins. Jackie leans against the island, pouting._

**FEZ** :

(to Hyde)

This is going to be a good one. The new halfback, Hunter Williams, poured tomato sauce down my pants during lunch on Thursday. Well, Hunter, let’s see how you like egg yolks all over your ass.

_Hyde cackles, looks over at Jackie. She looks away._

**HYDE:**

What, first you’re not coming, now you’re giving me the silent treatment?

(to Fez)

Talk about your win-win.

_They both laugh. Jackie starts for the door to the living room. Hyde sighs, catches her by the arm, and turns her around._

**HYDE (cont’d):**

Come on. This’ll be fun. We’re gonna be trespassing, vandalizing school property, and sticking it to the Man. It’s everything I’ve been trying to teach you, honey.

_Jackie is not amused._

**HYDE (cont’d):**

Jackie, this is what I do on the weekends, okay?

**JACKIE** : 

Steven, we’re a couple now. Weekends aren’t just about what _you_ do. They’re about what _we_ do, together. And there’s a ballroom dance class at the rec center tonight, so you get rid of those eggs and put on a clean shirt!

**HYDE** :

Ballroom dancing? I’d have to punch myself in the head just for walking into that class. Look, I made my plans, and I told you you could tag along. Are you in or out?

_Jackie glares up at him; he glares back. She pushes past him and strolls out the patio door._

_Hyde sighs and sits down at the kitchen table, where Fez is still counting eggs. He holds one up and nods approvingly._

**FEZ** :

This one is for the quarterback. What he did, I am too much of a man to say. But when this egg reaches the place it is meant to reach... oh, he will know.

_He stands up straighter as Hyde puts a hand over his shades._

CUT TO:

**INT. DORM HALL – DAY**

_The University of Wisconsin campus. Visitors’ weekend may have drawn a lot of kids and parents, but it hasn’t inspired any spirit of cleanliness; Animal House would be proud of the state this place is in. Rock music wafts through the halls for good measure._

_Red, Kitty, Eric, and Kelso enter through the front door. Eric and Kelso wander off immediately while Red and Kitty assess the situation from the doorway._

**RED** :

What the hell kind of college is this? Barefoot hippies playing frisbee, barefoot hippies singing songs to trees...

_Eric and Kelso find a section of wall to lean on, a section that happens to have a poster for CPR instructions._

**KELSO** :

Man, this place is awesome.

(points to poster)

Look, they even have dirty cartoons on the wall.

**ERIC** :

Kelso, those are CPR instructions.

**DONNA** :

Wow, I’ve done CPR a lot.

_A particularly filthy-looking college student approaches Red and Kitty, offers his hand – this is TED._

**TED** :

Hi. I’m Ted, resident advisor.

_He shakes Red and Kitty’s hands in turn._

**KITTY** :

Hi.

**ERIC** :

Why don’t you folks have a look around, and I’ll show the boys where they’re gonna be staying.

_He crosses to Eric and Kelso. Red and Kitty start looking around in the opposite direction and find students passed out on couches._

**RED:**

I don’t know about this place.

**KITTY** :

I’ll say. It’s the middle of November. I don’t see any Thanksgiving decorations.

_Over by the wall, Ted leans in and drops his voice._

**TED** :

Visitors’ weekend is great. We always have a big dorm party. Tons of booze, tons of chicks.

_Eric and Kelso share a grin and a high-five._

**ERIC** :

Man, this place is great! It’s too bad Donna couldn’t make it...

_A BOMBSHELL BLONDE, wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around her middle, walks past them._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Oh, my God, would you look at that?

**KELSO** :

We just saw college butt! On a girl!

_Of course, this is the time when Red walks over._

**RED** :

(to Ted)

Hold it. Girls live here too?

**TED** :

Yes, sir. We’re co-ed.

**ERIC/KELSO** :

Oh, yeah!/All right!

**RED** :

That’s it! You’re staying with us at the motel.

_He starts toward the door. Eric runs after him._

**ERIC** :

Wait! Dad, wait. Think of what a valuable experience this could be for me. I mean, this is my first step into the real world.

(claps Red’s shoulder)

I’m your little bird, Dad. Give me wings to fly.

_Red looks at Eric’s hand on his shoulder; Eric pulls it away._

**RED** :

Butch it up and get in the car.

_Eric sighs and obeys._

_Kelso has wandered over to the girls’ restroom and cracked open the door._

**KELSO** :

Excuse me, this is your CPR coach. I’m gonna need to check your lung capacities.

(over his shoulder)

That means their boobs.

_He stops when he sees Red, not Eric, over his shoulder. Stone-faced Red takes Kelso by the arm and pulls him away._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

**INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT**

_The Formans’ hotel for the weekend. Red sits on the edge of the bed with a map of UW while Eric and Kelso lie on cheap cots. Kelso is back at his football game._

**RED** :

There’s got to be at least one all-male dormitory on this campus. Ah! Here it is, right between the chapel and the school of interior design.

_Kitty, ready for bed, enters from the bathroom, just slightly tense and unsteady._

**KITTY** :

Boys, um, I realize that, uh, I may have been a little irrational today.

**KELSO** :

A little?

**KITTY:**

SHUT UP!

(takes deep breath)

So, um, maybe now is a good time for me to explain a few things to you about menopause. And, um, lucky for you, I’m a nurse, so I can use the proper terms, like epithelial lining and uterine wall.

_Eric groans, flips around, and buries his head into his pillow. Kelso just keeps playing his game. Kitty takes two small bars of soap from her robe pockets._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

Okay, so, um, now, say these soaps are my ovaries. Okay, um, about a month ago, they stopped producing...

_She loses her train of thought, thanks to the noise from Kelso’s game._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

They stopped...

_The game gets louder, and she loses it again._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

Stopped producing...

_And once more._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

Oh, that’s it!

_She reaches over, snatches the game from Kelso, and tosses it out the window._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

(to Kelso)

What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?

_Kelso gapes up at her; he’s never seen Mrs. Forman like this._

**KELSO** :

Yes, I was. And up until now, everyone had the good grace not to mention it!

_His bottom lip quivering, he throws himself down into his pillow._

_Red sighs and stands._

**RED** :

Okay, boys. Time to leave.

**ERIC** :

YES!

_He and Kelso scramble off the cots and out the door._

**BUMPER**

**EXT. ROAD – NIGHT**

_Somewhere in Point Place, the El Camino cruises the streets. Hyde is at the wheel, Fez in the passengers’ seat, a bag loaded with egg cartons in his lap. “Pump it Up” by Elvis Costello plays on the radio. Hyde wears a deep frown, Fez an impatient mug._

**FEZ** :

We’ve circled past the school three times already. We missed the end of the JV cheerleader practice. Let’s park this mamma and do this thing!

**HYDE** :

Whatever.

**FEZ** :

Oh. You’re still upset about Jackie.

**HYDE** :

What the hell’s her deal, man? Before we were together, I brought her along on a few nights like this and she was up for it. So, now that we’re an “official couple” or whatever, she doesn’t wanna have fun?

**FEZ** :

(tsks)

Oh, Hyde. Poor, poor Hyde. Cool as you are, you know nothing of women.

_Hyde gives Fez a dirty look, but he persists._

**FEZ (cont’d)** :

You made plans for the weekend without even consulting her. You cannot do this with a girlfriend. That’s a big step for you two. You do not want to do something special with your lady?

**HYDE** :

I don’t know, man. I mean, I’ve been showing her the ropes on all this stuff for a while now, and I just figured -

**FEZ** :

Hyde, have you been trying to make Jackie a-cool?

(shakes his head)

She is her own woman, orphan boy. You think whatever you want to do, if you snap, she comes? That is trouble. Just you wait, Henry Higgins.

**HYDE** :

“Henry Higgins?”

**FEZ** :

You know, from _My Fair Lady_.

_Hyde stares blankly, not a clue what Fez means._

**FEZ (cont’d)** :

It was the school musical this year. I was Dancer Number Three.

_More blank stares._

**FEZ (cont’d)** :

You told me you went to see it, you son of a bitch!

_He turns away in a huff. Hyde sighs and turns the car around._

**BUMPER**

**INT. DORM HALL – NIGHT**

_Ted’s promised party. As “Wheel in the Sky” by Journey blares over the radio, college students and visiting high schoolers dance, sample the keg, and make out. Kelso has a STATUESQUE BLONDE pinned up against the wall, near the CPR poster._

**KELSO** :

(points to poster)

I see UW has a pretty good CPR program. That’s gonna be my major.

_She rolls her eyes at him and walks away._

_Eric walks up the hall with a STRAWBERRY BLONDE, mid-conversation._

**ERIC** :

So, I told my girlfriend, “we can go to separate schools.” I mean, people do that all the time, right?

**STRAWBERRY BLONDE** :

Yeah. I mean, my boyfriend goes to school in New York, and we’ve been together for three years, and we’re in love now more than ever.

**ERIC** :

Of course you are. And I bet, when you two get together, it’s like a thunderstorm, right?

_Ted walks up behind them and snakes an arm around the strawberry blonde’s waist._

**TED** :

Hey, pretty lady.

_She leans into him, and they start making out._

**ERIC:**

(to blonde)

Excuse me, hello? Didn’t you just say you had a boyfriend?

**SRAWBERRY BLONDE** :

Yeah. But he’s not here.

She takes Ted by the hand and leads him away.

_Eric, dazed, crosses over to Kelso, who is once again looking into the girls’ bathroom._

**ERIC** :

Did you just see that? I told Donna we could go to different schools, and I was extremely wrong, and... man, if she doesn’t hate Marquette, we’re screwed.

**KELSO** :

Who cares, Eric? There’s a bunch of these college chicks sharing a shower!

_He turns back to the bathroom. Eric throws his hands up and walks away._

**BUMPER**

**INTERCUT - INT. MARQUETTE/INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT**

_A row of payphones on the wall. Donna is on one of them._

**DONNA** :

Eric? Is everything okay?

_Eric, on the other end of the call, sitting by the nightstand while Red sits near the head of the bed and Kitty on the end. Kitty tries to hold in tears as she watches television._

**ERIC** :

(into phone)

Yeah, everything’s fine. I just want to see how you like Marquette. And, can I just say, if that snooty switchboard operator’s attitude is any indication of the Marquette experience, then I can only assume we’re crossing Marquette off the list right now.

**DONNA** :

No, actually, it’s great. Okay, they have this English professor. He wears a beret and wears a corduroy jacket, but he listens to Zeppelin!

**ERIC** :

Uh, yeah, well, UW has a vending machine, so...

(beat)

Donna, I love you.

**DONNA** :

I love you too. Bye.

_She hangs up, walks off._

_Eric sets the phone back on the receiver just as Kitty breaks out into full-on tears._

**RED** :

(to Eric)

You gonna cry now too?

**KITTY** :

You know who had a real family? _The Waltons_. We’re just three strangers sitting in a room!

_She tosses her tissue aside and heads into the bathroom._

**ERIC** :

Donna loves it there. I don’t know what to do.

**RED** :

(to Eric)

There’s nothing any of us can do. We’re all screwed. You think I like being stuck here, nursing my lunatic wife back from the brink? Hell, no. But we can’t control what happens to us. Even if, by some stroke of luck, you actually hang on to Donna, eventually she’s gonna turn into _that_.

(points to the bathroom door)

And then, a few years later, you’ll die.

**ERIC** :

(beat)

Okay, thanks for the bedtime story.

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT**

_The basement is empty, the lights all out. The lock clicks, the basement door opens, and Hyde and Fez step in, hitting the lights as they enter. Fez still has his bag of eggs._

_They make it halfway to the couch when Jackie comes out from Hyde’s room._

**JACKIE** :

Hello, Steven.

_Hyde and Fez both jump. Fez throws his bag up, and it lands behind him with the sound of many cracking shells._

**FEZ** :

Ai.

_Hyde looks over at Jackie._

**HYDE** :

Jackie? Did Forman finally give you a key?

**JACKIE** :

No.

**HYDE** :

Then how’d you get in here?

_She holds up a bobby pin and wiggles it around before placing it back in her hair. Hyde shrugs and takes a step toward her._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

Look, Jackie, I know you wanted to spend Saturday night together, and I kind of blew you off, so... we’re not doing the egg thing, so if you wanna go -

**JACKIE** :

No, no, Steven. Look, you are an independent man set in his ways, and you’ve never had a girlfriend before. You’ve never been shown how to obey one.

_Hyde shakes his head, “are you kidding me?”_

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

But I’ve thought about it, and I think I’ve found a way we can spend Saturday night together that combines what you like and what I like.

_She goes to the record player and drops the needle. “Ballroom Blitz” by Sweet comes on. Jackie smiles up at Hyde and begins dancing in place. He shrugs and nods._

**HYDE** : 

Not bad.

**JACKIE** :

I know, right? And...

_She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a small paper bag. She tosses it to Hyde, who knows exactly what it is._

**HYDE** :

This is my stash.

**JACKIE** :

Yeah, I thought you’d have a better hiding place for it than an old shirt pocket.

_She dances her way over to Hyde, stopping right in front of him. He looks down at her, grinning ear to ear._

**HYDE** :

I think a special night deserves a special treat.

CUT TO:

_MONTAGE. SET TO “BALLROOM BLITZ.”_

_A) FORMAN KICHEN - Hyde, in Kitty’s silly-looking oven mitts, mixes up a big bowl of brownie mix. Jackie, at his side, sticks her finger into the batter and gets a taste._

**BALLROOM BLITZ (v.o.):**

_It was like lightning..._

_B) FORMAN KITCHEN – Hyde lifts the finished tray of brownies out of the oven as Jackie watches (as best she can) over his shoulder._

**BALLROOM BLITZ (v.o.):**

_Everybody was fighting..._

_C) FORMAN KITCHEN – Overhead on the kitchen table as Hyde slices the brownies up._

**BALLROOM BLITZ (v.o.):**

_And the music was soothing..._

_D) FORMAN KITCHEN – Hyde and Jackie each have a brownie. They link arms, smile at each other, and each take a big bite._

**BALLROOM BLITZ (v.o.):**

_And they all started grooving..._

_E) Extreme close-up on Jackie’s eyes, then Hyde’s behind his shades, as the “special ingredient” kicks in._

_F) FORMAN KITCHEN – Hyde and Jackie sit together, their heads leaned against one another, their mouths set in spacey smiles, as the walls spin around them with the effects of the brownies._

**BALLROOM BLITZ (v.o.):**

_Yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah!_

_G) FORMAN KITCHEN – HIGH SPEED. HAND-HELD. WIDE ANGLE. Jackie and Hyde stand before an open freezer, taking shots of whipped cream straight from the can into their mouths._

**BALLROOM BLITZ (v.o.):**

_And the man in the back..._

_H) FORMAN LIVING ROOM – HIGH SPEED. The couch, the coffee table, and Red’s chair are all shoved back out of the way, leaving room for Hyde and Jackie to do a wild dance all over the floor._

**BALLROOM BLITZ (v.o.):**

_... Said “everyone attack”_

_And it turned into a ballroom blitz!_

_I) FORMAN BEDROOM – HIGH SPEED. Jackie sits at Kitty’s nightstand, admiring her reflection. She has on Hyde’s sunglasses. He enters the room, surprising her. He lunges when he sees her with his shades, but she jumps up, dodges, and runs out of the room, giggling, as Hyde gives chase._

**BALLROOM BLITZ (v.o.):**

_And the girl in the corner_

_Said “boy, I wanna warn ya...”_

_J) FORMAN BASEMENT – HIGH SPEED. Hyde comes charging down the stairs with Jackie slung over his shoulder. She still wears his shades. They race right past Fez, who has been standing around in the basement for this entire montage. They almost make it to Hyde’s room when he sets Jackie down. The two of them run to Fez, each grab an arm, and shoo him out the basement door. Hyde locks it behind him. He and Jackie nod and shake hands before he picks her back up and carries her to his room._

**BALLROOM BLITZ (v.o.):**

_“It’ll turn into a ballroom blitz!”_

_Ballroom blitz!_

_Ballroom blitz!_

_Ballroom blitz!_

_Ballroom blitz!_

**BUMPER**

**EXT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY**

_The next day, late afternoon. The Vista Cruiser rests in the parking lot. Red and Eric unload the car as Kitty steps out and stretches. She’s all smiles, in a wonderful mood; she’s the only one._

**KITTY:**

What a wonderful weekend! We should go away more often!

_Laughing, she heads into the house. Red, looking one step from death, turns to Eric._

**RED** :

They’ve gotta make a pill for this.

_He follows Kitty inside._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY**

_The place is a mess. The mixing bowl is out with the spoon inside, the decimated tray of brownies is still on the table, the whipped cream can is on the floor, and bags, boxes, cans, and pans of half-eaten snacks are everywhere._

_Red and Kitty just start to take it all in when a yawning Hyde comes up from the basement in an open bathrobe and sweatpants._

**RED** :

Steven! What the hell is all this?

_Hyde freezes mid-step._

**HYDE** :

(beat)

The folly of prohibition is what it is! You take away beer, you see what happens.

_Red rolls his eyes as Kitty takes another wide-eyed look around the room._

CUT TO:

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY**

_Eric finishes unloading the Vista Cruiser. Donna comes up the driveway._

**DONNA** :

Hi.

**ERIC** :

Okay. I know you love Marquette, and you know what? I’ve made my peace with that. So if that means that we’re going to go to separate schools, and drift apart, and make out with guys named Ted, then that’s just the way it’s gonna have to be, because you’re gonna get menopause, and I’m gonna die, and we can’t control anything that happens to us!

**DONNA** :

(beat)

I’m not going to Marquette.

**ERIC** :

Well, then, never mind.

_They sit down on the open back of the car._

**DONNA** :

I mean... Eric, I loved it, and when I was driving home, I was so excited to tell you about it. And then the drive took forever. And I realized that’s how far away I’d be from you all the time. And I don’t want that. So I’ll just tell my dad I want to go to UW with you.

**ERIC** :

Donna, you have no idea how happy you just made me.

**DONNA** :

Eric, this is gonna be great! We’re gonna be together all the time!

**ERIC** :

Ooh. Um, you’re not gonna get all clingy, right?

**DONNA** :

(laughing)

Shut up!

**ERIC** :

No, come on, I’m gonna be a big college man.

**DONNA** :

Uh-huh.

**ERIC** :

I’m gonna need my space.

_They share another laugh and scoot closer together on the car._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**CREDITS**

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY**

_Another day. Kitty dries the dishes by the sink while Red watches her from the island. Kelso enters through the patio door, another envelope pinned to his jacket._

**RED** :

(to Kelso)

What do you want?

**KELSO** :

Once again, the explanation is pinned to my lapel.

_Red takes a note from the envelope._

**RED** :

(reading)

“Dear Mr. and Mrs. Forman, please give Michael thirty dollars for the game you threw out the window and broke. Signed, my parents.”

_Kitty lets out a big laugh and retreats to the living room._

**RED** :

(beat)

Well, you made her laugh. That’s worth thirty bucks.

_He pulls out some bills and drops them into Kelso’s envelope._

**END.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The only additional change we should assume for Season 5 in this timeline is that the changeover to 1978 happens in episode 5-10 [according to production order], "The Crunge."
> 
> Well, we made it into Season 5, and we're past the point where there are any major continuity issues to address. The goal of keeping the Zen story going after "Jackie Bags Hyde" and syncing back into the show's established timeline is met, and so we're done here.
> 
> ...Or are we?


	27. J/H 6-01: The Kids Are Alright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome, everyone, to Zenmasters: Seasons 3 to 5+!
> 
> I was pretty set on keeping this rewrite project limited to the titular seasons when I started. The only exception, I thought, would be to possibly do a rewrite of the series finale, working on the premise that Season 7 would be the last.
> 
> Then I rewatched Season 6 for the first time in a while.
> 
> Let's be charitable and say that I did not love it (for more detailed, and more angry thoughts, check the Zen3to5 blog on Tumblr.) One of the only bright spots in the season IMO is Jackie and Hyde's material, but even that has some rough patches. So I've decided not only to do a new series finale, but to make some more adjustments along the way there. In doing so, I've set myself the following hard limits:
> 
> 1\. I'm only rewriting what I find to be the rough patches in Jackie and Hyde's material (otherwise, I'd be overhauling virtually every single script of this season, and no way am I going down that road.) Since I think their relationship is generally well-handled in Season 6, that means we're only looking at two areas: their make-up at the beginning of the season (which I think was sloppy) and the Pam Burkhart arc (which has virtually no Zen, when it really should have.) Adding Zen, and still acting on the premise that these could be feasible scripts for the show, there will naturally be other adjustments, but those were only made on the basis that they had to be to make room for J/H material in these 22-minute episodes.
> 
> 2\. I have to be able to use something from the 3 to 5 rewrites, even if it's only a single line, as a basis for adding Zen to a given episode or run of episodes.
> 
> With that out of the way - let's get started!
> 
> (And, as with 5-01, I couldn't resist imagining a new credits sequence.)

_We open on a unique title card, patterned after the logo from THE GODFATHER. “The Godfather Theme” by Nino Rota plays as we cut to:_

**INT. FORMAN BEDROOM - DAY**

_DREAM SEQUENCE. The Forman master bedroom, converted to an at-home hospital bed. RED, as Don Corleone, lies in bed, propped up on pillows. Surrounding him are BOB as Tom Hagen, KELSO as Fredo, and HYDE as Sonny. Hyde has SCHATZI in his arms. Everyone is grim-faced and the room is dark, even in the day – very Coppola._

**BOB** :

Don Forman, it is an honor and privilege to receive you in your home in the wake of the heart attack caused by your daughter’s wedding.

_Red rolls his eyes, unnoticed by Bob._

**BOB (cont’d)** :

While you’ve been away, they locked up that Son of Sam, Al Unser took the Indy 500, and that new movie _Grease_ is such a hoot, boy.

**RED** :

What about the Family?

**BOB** :

Well, that little dame with the mouth has been hiding down at the pool all summer, on account of these two still being after her.

_He points to Kelso and Hyde, who shift on their feet._

**HYDE** :

Yeah, but that’s over now. We’re sending Kelso out west to learn the nutcracker business.

**KELSO** :

Nutcracker business? Why would I -

_Hyde kicks him in the groin, sending him to the floor._

**HYDE** :

(laughing)

Loser.

_He sets Schatzi on the bed and crosses to the bedroom door. As soon as he opens it, machine gunfire rips open. Hyde stumbles back into the room, being thrown about by the many bloodless squibs going off, until he falls down on top of Kelso._

_Bob and Red briefly glance at the bodies, then return to their conversation._

**BOB** :

And your wife, she’s working double shifts again, on account of you not being able to manage the business.

_KITTY, as Mama Corleone in a nurse’s hat, bursts into the room, with a laundry basket under one arm and a pot of soup under the other. She hurries over to Red, kisses him on the forehead, glances down at Hyde and Kelso, looks up to God, and runs out of the room with tears in her eyes, all while spewing a non-stop torrent of obviously fake Italian._

**RED** :

What about my son, Bob? Where’s Eric?

_Bob shifts on his feet, looks away. We cut to:_

**EXT. ITALIAN VILLA – DAY**

_A picturesque little village in the Sicilian countryside, a lovely image to have on a cheesy backdrop hanging behind the cast. ERIC, as Michael Corleone in his military uniform, and DONNA as Kay stand in the middle of the street, arms around each other’s waists. “Godfather Love Theme” by Nino Rota plays in the background._

**DONNA** :

Eric, are you sure we should be going off to college and seeing the world when your father’s heart attack and our friends’ stupidity leaves the Family vulnerable?

**ERIC** :

That’s my family, Donna. That’s not me. I’m going my own way. Besides, what’s the worst that could happen?

CUT TO:

**EXT. CITY STREET – DAY**

_The best New York backlot set available. Old roadsters line the street, steam comes up from the manholes, everyone goes about in hats and coats, and a fruit stand with plenty of oranges is set up on the corner. Red and Bob are at the stand, selecting oranges while Kelso waits for them by a black 1941 Ford._

_Shot-for-shot, the shooting of Don Corleone. A gunman steps out from behind a truck. Red notices their approach. He bolts for the car, knocking over the stand and sending oranges spilling into the street, but it’s too late. FEZ, as Sollozzo, sprays him with fire from his handgun._

_Slumped down against the car, Red turns around and looks up at Fez._

**RED** :

So... it was the foreigner all along.

**FEZ** :

Seriously? Have you looked around at this dream? You’re Italian, I’m Italian - we’re _all_ foreigners, you cranky bastard!

_He fires off one more shot, and Red falls to the ground, dead._

CUT TO:

_SPINNING NEWSPAPER. Headline: FORMAN SLAIN._

CUT TO:

**EXT. ITALIAN VILLA - DAY**

_Eric, clutching at the newspaper, with Donna reading over his shoulder. Eric crushes the paper in one hand, bites the knuckles of the other._

**ERIC** :

Oh, Pop. If only I had set aside all my own personal hopes and dreams for my life and stayed at home. If only I hadn’t gone against the Family.

_He throws his head to the sky in true melodramatic fashion as we crane up._

**ERIC** :

Why? Why? WHY?

CUT TO:

**INT. DONNA’S BEDROOM – DAY**

_Late morning. The window curtains are drawn, letting in the sunlight, and Jackie’s cot is empty. Eric and Donna are snuggled together in Donna’s bed, still asleep._

_Eric stirs, jolts straight up. He takes in where he is, lets out a long sigh. Donna, still groggy from sleep, sits up and puts a hand on his shoulder._

**DONNA** :

Eric, is everything all right?

**ERIC:**

(beat)

Yeah.

_Eric pats her hand and slides out of bed. He starts to get dressed._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

I gotta go. My folks come home from the hospital today. Hyde and I are picking them up.

_Donna’s closet opens. Out steps Fez, all smiles._

**FEZ** :

Mr. Red is coming home?

_Eric jumps and Donna pulls the covers up to her chin._

**ERIC:**

Fez?

**DONNA** :

Oh, my God! Did you see anything?

**FEZ** :

Not much. You should really think about a night light.

_Donna and Eric both take pillows from the bed and chuck them at Fez, who retreats back into the closet._

**MAIN TITLES**

**INT. VISTA CRUISER – NIGHT**

_A) The gang out on the road. Eric drives, with Donna next to him and Hyde in the passenger’s seat. Behind him sits Jackie, then Fez, then Kelso._

**THEME SONG:**

_Hangin’ out..._

_B) Hyde drives, with Eric in the passenger’s seat. Behind him sits Donna, and behind Hyde sits Jackie. The girls are leaning forward in their seats, their arms wrapped around the boys’ shoulders._

**THEME SONG:**

_Down the street..._

_C) Kelso drives, with Fez next to him and Hyde in the passenger’s seat. Behind him sits a scowling Red, then Eric, then Bob._

**THEME SONG:**

_The same old thing..._

_D) Red drives, with Kitty in the passenger’s seat, holding Schatzi. Bob sits in the middle of the back seat, hands behind his head._

**THEME SONG:**

_We did last week..._

_E) Fez drives, with Donna next to him and Kelso in the passenger’s seat. Behind him sits Eric, then Hyde, then Jackie. Donna leans into Fez as the gang sing along._

**THEME SONG:**

_Not a thing to do..._

_F) Jackie drives, with Donna next to her and Kitty in the passenger’s seat._

**THEME SONG:**

_But talk to you..._

_G) Hyde drives, with Eric in the passenger’s seat. Behind him sits Donna, and behind Hyde sits Jackie. The girls are leaning forward in their seats, their arms wrapped around the boys’ shoulders._

**THEME SONG:**

_We’re all alright!_

_H) Eric drives, with Donna next to him and Hyde in the passenger’s seat. Behind him sits Jackie, then Fez, then Kelso._

**THEME SONG:**

_We’re all alright!_

_I) The creators’ license plate, a 1978 sticker in the corner._

**HYDE (v.o.):**

Hello, Wisconsin!

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY**

_Shortly after the pre-credits scene. Hyde sits at the kitchen table, a plate of eggs and bacon in front of him. He has Schatzi in his arms, cuddled close to his face. He picks up a piece of bacon and holds it up for Schatzi to eat._

_Eric, Donna (dressed in a bathing suit and dress) and Fez enter through the patio door. They freeze when they see Hyde, and he freezes when he sees them, causing Schatzi to strain to reach the bacon._

_Though all three struggle not to laugh, Donna finds her voice first:_

**DONNA** :

(to Hyde)

Are you feeding and cuddling with a wiener dog?

**HYDE** :

Are you planning to wear a bathing suit to a hospital visit?

**ERIC** :

(to Donna)

Oh, please do.

**FEZ** :

Yes, please.

_Donna shakes her head and rolls her eyes._

**DONNA** :

I’m going to the pool with Jackie.

**HYDE** :

She choose between me and Kelso yet?

**DONNA** :

I don’t know. But Kelso’s been going down there to show off for her. He’s got a speedo with the Point Place Police Department badge printed on the ass. It’s really disturbing.

_Hyde pushes himself to his feet, Schatzi still in his arms._

**HYDE** :

Whatever, man. She thinks I’m gonna wait around all summer ‘cause she can’t choose between me and a guy who once forgot he was allergic to eggs? His head swelled up to five times its normal size. Screw that, man. I’m over her.

_Schatzi chooses this time to lick the corner of Hyde’s mouth. Eric chuckles, crosses to Hyde and puts a hand on his shoulder._

**ERIC** :

Hyde, the other day I was down in the basement and went to put on Zeppelin, and I found country music records hidden in the sleeve to _Physical Graffiti_. You’re not over her.

_Fez smirks, crosses to them._

**FEZ** :

(to Hyde)

So, you console your loneliness with doggie kisses and country songs, while I am married to Eric’s slutty sister.

**HYDE** :

Yeah, how’s that going?

**FEZ** :

Oh, not great. But I’m pretty sure when she gets back from our honeymoon in Cancun, things will pick up.

**ERIC** :

Laurie went on your honeymoon alone?

**FEZ:**

Oh, no, that would be crazy. She took her friend Carlos along to keep an eye on her. But I paid for both of them, so everyone know who the man is in this deal.

_Eric, Donna, and Hyde all share a look._

**ERIC** :

(to Hyde)

All right, let’s get going.

(to Fez)

You stay here. My dad doesn’t want you anywhere near the hospital.

**FEZ** :

Why not? I’m family. I want to support my new American dad after his heart attack.

**ERIC** :

Fez, you’re the one who gave him the heart attack.

**HYDE** :

By marrying his daughter, who’s on your honeymoon with another guy.

**FEZ:**

Oh, no, no, no. Carlos is just like, um... he’s kind of like a – a chaperone. He, uh...

(beat)

Son of a bitch!

_He stomps his foot and pouts, even as Hyde presses Schatzi into his arms. Eric, Hyde, and Donna file out the door._

**BUMPER**

**INT. HOSPITAL - DAY**

_A reception desk at the hospital. A DOCTOR leads Eric, Red, Kitty, and Hyde up the hallway. Red is in decent shape and rotten mood; same as always, really._

**RED** :

Come on, Kitty. Let’s get the hell out of this weird place. I think some of these nurses are stealing drugs.

_The doctor gives Kitty a look._

**KITTY** :

Red, I am a nurse here.

(laughs)

**RED** :

I stand by my statement.

**DOCTOR** :

Okay, Mr. Forman, just to be clear: no going to work, no chores, no driving for three months. And let’s not forget the root cause of the problem.

**ERIC** :

Too much rage, right? Yeah, so he probably shouldn’t, like, yell at anyone anymore, right?

**DOCTOR** :

Actually, the reason he ran into trouble is he was holding stuff in.

**ERIC** :

(beat)

He was holding stuff in? Okay, I weigh 42 pounds ‘cause of what he let out and – I’m sorry – you’re telling me that, uh, there’s more in there?

_Kitty hurries between her husband and son and takes both their arms._

**KITTY** :

(to doctor)

No, no, no. He does not weigh 42 pounds. And these two are the best of buddies!

(doing Eric)

“Hey, Dad, wanna go fishing?”

(doing Red)

“Sure, son. Let’s hug.”

(normal voice)

That’s what it’s like at our house!

(laughs)

**RED** :

(to doctor)

See what I mean about the drugs?

**DOCTOR** :

(to Red)

What you need to do is focus on things that make you happy.

**ERIC** :

Okay, but I don’t know where we’re gonna find a boatload of dead commies.

**HYDE** :

(points to Eric, himself)

Yeah, but there’s two asses he loves sticking his foot up right here.

_Eric nods. Red gives him and Hyde an appraising look as Kitty shakes her head._

CUT TO:

**EXT. POOL - DAY**

_The Point Place public pool, a small and tidy swimming hole surrounded by a chain-link fence. Donna and JACKIE, in a tiny bikini and skirt, sip sodas at a small cable in the corner._

**DONNA** :

Jackie, the summer’s almost over and you haven’t decided between Kelso and Hyde yet.

**JACKIE** :

Why should I rush for them? The sun is out, the air is warm, I’m almost at my most delicious shade of cocoa brown – let that two-timing moron and paranoid hophead wait it out a little longer.

**DONNA** :

Well, Hyde might be done waiting, so you may not have a choice anymore.

_Jackie takes her sunglasses off and leans in toward Donna._

**JACKIE** :

What do you mean?

_Before Donna can answer, a shadow blocks their sun. It’s Kelso, fresh from the pool, dripping wet in his PPPD speedo._

**KELSO** :

Ladies. Ladies’ bodies.

(to Jackie)

So, Jackie, what do you think?

_He flexes, pushes up his shoulders._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

Yep. Police Academy starts in a week. All this swimming’s getting me into shape.

**DONNA** :

Wouldn’t getting into shape for the police academy mean eating donuts and growing a bad moustache?

**KELSO:**

Oh, I’m growing the bad moustache.

_Jackie rolls her eyes, looks around Kelso to Donna._

**JACKIE** : 

So is Mr. Forman home yet?

**DONNA** :

Eric’s picking him up now. I don’t know what they’re gonna do once we’re in Madison. Kitty and Hyde are both working double shifts, but that still doesn’t cover the lost income from Red not working.

**JACKIE** :

Yeah... and what about medical bills? Price Mart offers terrible coverage, and you can forget about any help from the government now that health reform’s stalled.

**DONNA** :

I know, right?

**KELSO** :

Wait, hold up.

(to Donna)

You said a bunch of sad stuff...

(to Jackie)

You followed up with some money and health fact stuff...

(to Donna)

And you said “I know,” which makes me think Jackie used that right, which makes me think she knew what she was talking about.

**DONNA** :

Very good, Kelso. That’s what we call a “conversation.”

**KELSO** :

Well, I know some facts too. Jimmy Carter? He had a peanut farm. And the Dairy Queen down the street is selling half-off peanut buster parfaits today. Now, excuse me as I walk down there to get one – without pants.

_He turns his ass Jackie’s way before strolling off. The girls shake their heads._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY**

_Welcome home, Red! The family file in through the patio door. Kitty keeps her arms ready to support Red, who looks done with this day already._

**KITTY** :

(to Red)

Now, let’s get you upstairs for your nap.

(to Eric, Hyde)

And boys, he needs quiet, so no shenanigans.

**ERIC** :

Mom, please, we haven’t shenaniganed in about six years.

**HYDE** :

We’ve hooliganed.

**ERIC** :

We’ve no-goodniked.

**HYDE** :

We’ve ne’er done well.

**ERIC** : 

And just last week, we found ourselves rabble-rousing.

**RED** :

Will you shut up?

_Eric and Hyde, both laughing, step aside so that Red can go through the door to the living room..._

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – DAY**

_And find Fez standing in front of his chair with a balloon and flowers._

**FEZ** :

Welcome home, Dad!

**RED** :

 _You_. You’ve got a lot of nerve, showing your face around here after what you did to my daughter!

_He slowly advances on Fez, who somehow just doesn’t get the danger he’s in._

**FEZ** :

Hey, I did you a favor. That girl’s been passed around this town -

**KITTY/ERIC/HYDE** :

NO!

_Eric and Hyde pull Red back as Kitty rushes over to Fez and takes him by the shoulders._

**KITTY** :

Okay. You’ve already given him one heart attack. That’s enough. Now hush.

_She gently pushes a pouting Fez down to the couch. Eric crosses to the coffee table and grabs a small bowl full of candy._

**ERIC** :

(to Fez)

Hey, look, buddy – raisinets!

_Instantly happy once more, Fez takes the candy and chows down._

_Kitty hurries back over to Red and leads him to the stairs._

**KITTY** :

(to Red)

Okay, okay. Naptime.

_She sees him halfway up the staircase, then lets him go the rest of the way on his own as she leans over the railing._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

Oh, and Steven, he has a check-up next week during my shift, so I need you to take him.

**HYDE** :

Mrs. Forman, I told you, I’m working then.

**KITTY:**

Oh, that’s right. Eric, could you -

**ERIC** :

No, Mom. I’m not gonna be here, remember? I’m moving away.

**KITTY** :

(beat)

Oh, so you’re still going?

**ERIC** :

Yes, I’m still going. It’s college. I have to register for classes.

**KITTY** :

Fine.

**ERIC** :

Mom, I gotta get out of here.

**KITTY** :

(short)

Fine!

**ERIC** :

Great.

**KITTY** :

Great!

**ERIC** :

Fine!

_Kitty turns away and heads up the stairs. Eric scoffs, points after her and looks to Hyde, “can you believe that?” Hyde offers a shrug, “what can you do?”_

_The front door opens. In walks LAURIE, suitcase in hand. She sets it down by the couch and crosses to the boys._

**LAURIE** :

(to Eric)

Hey, little brother.

(to Hyde)

Hey, orphan.

(to Fez)

Hey, hubby.

_Fez stands._

**FEZ** :

Don’t “hubby” me! I’m mad at you.

**LAURIE** :

Aww. But I brought you a souvenir.

_She pulls a crystal shot glass from her purse and presents it to Fez._

**ERIC** :

Oh, look, Fez, a genuine Cancun shot glass still sticky with tequila.

**FEZ** :

(to Laurie)

Aww, you shouldn’t have.

**LAURIE** :

No biggie. Some guy left it in my room.

_She struts her way into the kitchen._

CUT TO:

**INT. HUB - EVENING**

_A modest evening. “You Don’t Own Me” by Lesley Gore plays on the jukebox. At a center table, Jackie sits alone, reading a newspaper. Kelso, in a leather jacket and a PPPD T-shirt, enters, struts over to her table and leans on the back of an empty chair._

_Jackie barely glances over her paper to look at him, which Kelso takes for her checking him out._

**KELSO** :

Yep. Just picked up the shirt today. It’s a tight fit, so it really shows off all that swimming I’ve been doing.

_He makes a show of sliding his jacket off and showing his arms before sitting down. Only then does he notice what Jackie’s up to._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

Are you reading a newspaper?

**JACKIE** :

Yeah.

**KELSO** :

Are you reading the news part of a newspaper?

_Jackie raises her eyebrows at him._

**JACKIE:**

That is where the news is, Michael.

**KELSO:**

Yeah, but since when do you read it?

**JACKIE:**

Since I decided to keep up with interesting things going on in the world.

_She disappears back behind her paper._

_Kelso’s eyes dart back and forth; he’s not used to this from Jackie. He snatches one of the other sections from the table and struggles to get it open and propped up before him in imitation of her._

**KELSO** :

Well, here’s something interesting – Snoopy is playing in a tennis tournament.

_Jackie lets out a long breath, refusing to meet Kelso’s stare and smirk._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY**

_The next morning. Kitty is at the stovetop in her somewhat untidy nurse’s uniform, hastily putting together breakfast plates – one with eggs and bacon, one with eggs and pancakes, and one with egg whites and lean ham._

_Hyde enters through the patio door in his half-open chef’s jacket, a small pharmacy bag in hand. He drops more than sets it on the counter._

**HYDE** :

Here’s Red’s heart medication, Mrs. Forman.

_He lets out a big yawn. Kitty presses a cup of coffee into his hands. He nods in appreciation, takes out a wad of bills from his pants pocket, and throws it on the stovetop. Kitty takes it and pockets it._

**KITTY** :

Thank you, honey. And I’ll get this money put into your savings account on my way home.

**HYDE** :

Mrs. Forman, I’ve told you I don’t need a savings account. Just pay a bill.

_Of course, this is the moment when Eric walks in from the living room._

**ERIC** :

“Pay a bill?”

(to Kitty)

Mom, what does he mean? Is money that tight?

**KITTY** :

It’s nothing.

**ERIC** :

No, ‘cause... I mean, Donna and I are both working, so if you need to take a little out of my college fund -

**KITTY** :

Listen, both of you – the money in those accounts is for _you_. Don’t worry. We’ll be fine.

_She takes the pancake plate and passes it to Eric._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

You just eat your breakfast.

_Eric examines his plate._

**ERIC** :

Chocolate-chip caramel whipped cream pancakes? Mom, you’re not gonna bribe me into staying home from school with super sweet breakfast food.

(checks the plate)

And where are the sprinkles?

**KITTY** :

No, no, the pancakes are an apology. I overreacted before. Of course, you have to go to school.

**ERIC** :

So... that’s it? No guilt?

**KITTY** :

That’s right. Now, I’m late for work.

(to Hyde)

I’ll pick up the dry cleaning and drop off the packages at the post office. You make sure Red eats his breakfast, and only _his_ breakfast – egg whites and heart-healthy ham. Oh, and remember you promised to give Schatzi his bath.

_She pats Hyde’s cheek and hurries out the door._

_Hyde looks down at the plate meant for Red, pointedly avoiding Eric’s smirk._

**ERIC** :

Now you’re bathing our wiener dog?

**HYDE** :

(beat)

He keeps coming down to the basement. His fur-stink’s become incriminating evidence.

_Red enters from the living room. Eric crosses to the kitchen table as Hyde presses Red’s breakfast into his hands._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

Here you go, Red.

_Red looks down at his meal._

**RED** :

Where’s the yellow part of these eggs? That’s the baby bird. That’s the part I want to eat.

_Hyde crosses his arms and shakes his head, while Eric chuckles and digs into his breakfast._

CUT TO:

**INT. HUB – DAY**

_On a slow afternoon, Donna and Jackie enjoy lunch at a center table._

**DONNA** :

Wow, Jackie. You’ve really been showing Kelso the cold shoulder.

**JACKIE** :

Well, he deserves it. I told him I needed the summer to think things over, and he’s been after me the whole time.

**DONNA** :

I guess that means you choose Hyde.

**JACKIE** :

No! I told him I needed the summer to think things over, and he hasn’t spoken to me that whole time! I am so over them both.

_Kelso enters, still in his police shirt and jacket. He strolls over to the girls’ table, grabs at the badge logo printed on his shirt, and stretches it out as if it were a real badge._

**KELSO** :

Ladies. You have the right to remain foxy.

_Donna shakes her head. Jackie rolls her eyes, stands, and pushes past Kelso on her way out the door._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT**

_That night. Donna and Eric sit close on the couch, going through college materials._

**ERIC** :

Oh, my God, Donna. Madison has a course called “The Social Significance of Jedi Culture.”

_He makes a show of gaping in delight as Donna rolls her eyes._

_Kitty, still in nurse’s uniform, comes down the stairs with an entry laundry basket. She crosses to the dryer and begins unloading it._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Mom, why are you doing laundry? It’s almost midnight.

**KITTY** :

Well, with the double shift, this is the only time I have to do it.

_Eric sighs. He sets down the brochure and stands._

**ERIC** :

Okay, don’t do this.

**KITTY** :

Do what?

**ERIC** :

Come down here in the middle of the night, doing laundry, looking like hell -

**KITTY** :

Oh, excuse me!

**ERIC** :

No, I – I’m just saying, you’re trying to make me feel guilty for not leaving, and it’s not gonna work. I can’t stay here, okay? I have to go off and live my life. I deserve that! Mom, I deserve a chance!

**KITTY** :

Okay, okay. No need to use your squeaky voice. I understand that you have to leave. I have bigger things to worry about than making you feel guilty.

_She gathers up the laundry and heads back up the stairs._

_Donna looks up at Eric, who looks after his mom._

**DONNA** :

Eric, if you feel like you need to stay... I mean, we can talk about -

**ERIC** :

No! No.

_He sits back down._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

We’re leaving next week and that’s final.

**DONNA** :

Okay.

_They no sooner turn back to the brochure than the basement door opens and Red steps in, wearing pajamas and bathrobe. He has a plate in his hands, with toast that he dips into very runny egg yolks._

**RED** :

(to Eric)

Yeah. It’s egg yolks. And I don’t care if you tell your mother. She doesn’t scare me.

**KITTY (v.o.):**

Eric, I almost forgot...

_Red tosses the toast aside, drops the plate, and high tails it back up the outside stairwell._

CUT TO:

**INT. HALLWAY – DAY**

_The next day. The upstairs hall of the Pinciotti house. Kelso strolls up to Donna and Jackie’s bedroom door. He’s about to knock when he notices the sounds coming from inside – “Babe I’m Gonna Leave You” by Led Zeppelin, and sniffling. Quietly, he opens the door, and we cut to:_

**INT. DONNA’S BEDROOM - DAY**

_Kelso finds Jackie curled up on the end of her cot. Her arms and legs are wrapped around a pillow stuffed inside a black Led Zeppelin T-shirt, and a tissue is in her hands. Tears are in her eyes._

_Kelso slowly crosses over to Donna’s bed. He points to the record player._

**KELSO** :

That’s Zeppelin.

(points to pillow)

That’s a Zeppelin shirt. That’s Hyde’s Zeppelin shirt, his favorite one. I know ‘cause one time I tried to use it to clean out a paintbrush. He kicked my ass, stole my shirt, and made me use it instead.

_A fresh sob wells up from Jackie’s throat. She turns around so her back is to Kelso._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

You still love him, don’t you? There was never really a choice, was there?

**JACKIE** :

What do you want, Michael?

**KELSO** :

(beat) 

Nothing. Look, Jackie...

(sits)

I know I’ve been with a lot of girls, but you’re the only real serious girlfriend I’ve ever had, and you’ll always be special to me. When I found out you and Hyde were together, I couldn’t believe I’d really lost you for good. And all I could think about was getting you back. But seeing you this summer... I mean, after being with Hyde, and then on your own, you’ve changed. You’re more thoughtful, more well-read – I think you’ve become a complicated woman. And I don’t want none of that.

_Jackie turns around just enough to glare at Kelso._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

But I think Hyde still does. And you obviously want him. And you should, because you two were good for each other. Not like us. So... so you don’t have to worry about me chasing you anymore.

_Jackie turns all the way around._

**JACKIE** :

Michael, do you mean that?

**KELSO** : 

Yeah. I release you.

_He holds his hands out in front of him and mimes a bird’s wings flapping._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

Fly, little bird. Fly, fly away!

_He spreads his hands out, looks up, and makes a noise that sounds something like an object getting caught in a ceiling fan._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

(to Jackie)

That was you.

_Jackie offers a weak chuckle and dabs at her eyes._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT**

_Later that night. Eric and Donna are on the couch again, watching TV. The basement door flies open and Hyde staggers in. His clothes are dirty and torn, there are bite marks on his arm and claw scrapes on his shirt, and Schatzi shakes in his arms._

_Eric and Donna both stand._

**DONNA** :

What the hell happened?

**HYDE** :

I was taking Schatzi for a walk, and we got to the corner, and you know the Anderson house there, with the Great Dane? He got out of the yard.

**ERIC:**

Oh, my God. He went for Schatzi?

**HYDE:**

No, he went for me. Schatzi bit the bastard in the groin and then tore his ear and sent him running. It was so badass.

_Hyde sets Schatzi down. He struggles to stand back up straight._

**ERIC** :

Man, are you okay?

**HYDE** :

I’m fine. I’ve gotta get ready for my shift, but before that, I need to find that doggie thyroid crap for your little wiener dog.

**DONNA** :

What is with you and animals now? When did you get so knowledgeable on pet care?

**HYDE** :

I got roped into helping with the cat when me and Jackie were...

_He trails off; he can’t finish the thought. He drops down into the lawn chair and stairs blankly down at the coffee table._

**DONNA** :

You’re not over her, are you?

_Hyde doesn’t answer._

**ERIC** :

You still love her, don’t you?

(to Donna)

Look at him. So choked up he can’t even speak.

_Hyde’s throat pulses. He tugs at the top of his T-shirt._

**DONNA** :

More like he can’t even swallow.

_Hyde points to her, “bingo.”_

**DONNA (cont’d)** :

Okay... Hyde, we’ll take care of Schatzi’s thyroid. Why don’t you go take care of the rabies shot?

_Hyde points again, nods, and scrambles to his feet and back out the door._

_He’s no sooner gone than Kitty comes downstairs with another empty laundry basket. She goes straight to the dryer and unloads it._

**ERIC** :

Mom, you’re still behind on laundry?

**KITTY** :

Oh, I sat down just to rest my feet for a few minutes when I got home and – and before you know it, I...

(checks watch)

Oh, God, I’m late for work.

**ERIC** :

You’re working tonight?

(points to door)

Hyde’s working tonight? You both worked during the day.

**KITTY** :

Well, honey, nights can be our busiest time. Steven makes people a big, salty dinner, and then they come my way.

(laughs)

Now, there’s food in the... oh, who am I kidding? There’s no food!

_She hands Eric the laundry basket and scrambles back up the stairs._

_Eric walks over to the deep freeze. He sets the laundry down on it, leans against the basket. He whirls around to face Donna._

**ERIC** :

They can’t do this to me. They cannot do this to me. I gotta get out of here. Of all the people in the history of the world that have ever had to get anywhere, it is me having to get the hell out of here! I have to go!

(beat)

I have to stay.

_He drops down onto the couch._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Donna, I’m sorry.

_Donna sits next to him._

**DONNA** :

Sorry? Eric, I think it’s amazing that you’d do that for your family.

_They kiss._

**DONNA (cont’d)** :

And, you know, we’ll see each other on weekends.

**ERIC** :

Oh, so you’re still going?

**DONNA** :

Well... yeah, I mean... yeah.

**ERIC** :

Yeah. No. Of course.

**DONNA:**

Oh, come on. I think I know something that might make you feel better.

_She leans in to kiss him again. Before she can get things going, though, Eric puts a hand on her knee._

**ERIC** :

Hey, um... can we just, like... could we just sit for a while?

**DONNA** :

Yeah, sure.

_She scoots in closer to him. He moves his hand up to her arm, and puts his other arm around her shoulders. They lean their heads against each other and look down at their college brochures on the coffee table._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**CREDITS**

**EXT. STAIRWELL – NIGHT**

_Another night. Eric and Donna descend the stairwell. They pause when they hear “Baby Don’t Get Hooked on Me” by Mac Davis coming from behind the door._

**ERIC** :

Uh-oh. Country. Hyde’s sad music.

_Hesitating, Donna opens the door. A wall of smoke rushes out to meet them, as we cut to:_

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT**

_Eric and Donna step into a basement full of diffuse smoke. Hyde sits in his chair with Schatzi in his arms. He’s cackling like a loon, slapping at his knee and swaying in his seat. Snacks of all kinds litter the coffee table._

**HYDE** :

(through laughter)

Hey, Forman!

_He waves. Eric and Donna give reluctant waves back._

**ERIC** :

So, Hyde... how’s it going, buddy?

**HYDE** :

(laughing)

I’m freakin’ miserable, man!

_A fresh wave of laughter comes on as he swipes a piece of salami from the coffee table and holds it up for Schatzi._

**END.**


	28. J/H 6-02: Join Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On we go with Zen 3 to 5+! Last time, we made a real storyline out of Kelso's giving up his feelings for Jackie, but she and Hyde have yet to speak this season. Time to fix that...

**SHOW TITLE**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT**

_The same night as the credits scene from 6-01. HYDE is passed out in his chair, with SCHATZI asleep in his arms. Smoke still lingers in the air._

_The basement door opens. JACKIE enters._

**JACKIE** :

Steven?

_She shuts the door. Hyde jerks awake, which wakes up Schatzi._

**HYDE** :

It’s oregano!

_He shakes off the last of sleep, sees Jackie. They stare across the room at each other until Jackie crosses to the couch and sits at the end near Hyde’s chair._

**JACKIE** :

Okay, Steven, I’m here to tell you, now that summer’s almost over, I’ve made my decision. I choose you.

_She leans over the arm of the couch to kiss him. When she recovers, Hyde starts leaning in to follow, but stops himself, sits up straight, and sets Schatzi down on the coffee table._

**HYDE** :

Good to know.

_He stands and crosses to the deep freeze._

**JACKIE** :

“Good to know?” That’s all you have to say?

**HYDE** :

I’ll figure out the rest after I spend a summer at the pool.

_He turns to smirk Jackie’s way; she pouts._

**JACKIE** :

Ha, ha. You’ve made your point, Steven. Now you sit back down and french me.

**HYDE** :

Jackie, when I said, “choose between me and Kelso,” I meant, “choose me, right then.” Making me sit around and wait it out is immature.

**JACKIE** :

I want what I want when I want it! What is so immature about that?

**HYDE** :

Jackie...

**JACKIE** :

(stands)

Don’t you “Jackie” me! Steven, do you remember why I needed time to think about this in the first place?

**HYDE** :

Do you remember you made me compete with a two-timing moron who superglued his own head to his desk two days before graduation?

**JACKIE** :

I still loved you!

**HYDE** :

Then what was there to choose between?

**JACKIE** :

Nothing, I just needed time to think!

**HYDE** :

Why didn’t you tell me that?

**JACKIE** :

Why didn’t you ask me that?

**HYDE** :

Because you haven’t been by here all summer!

**JACKIE** :

I was thinking!

**HYDE** :

I was waiting!

_As they stare each other down, Schatzi starts to whimper._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

Great. And now, you’ve upset the dog.

_Hyde scoops up Schatzi and retreats to his room. Jackie throws her hands up, “what just happened?”_

**MAIN CREDITS**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY**

_The next morning. Hyde and ERIC sit at the kitchen table, eating cereal._

**ERIC** :

So Jackie turns up, tells you, “I choose you,” and you... said “no.”

_Hyde doesn’t answer, avoids looking at Eric._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Hyde, as someone with experience in holding out for the sake of pride, you _really_ don’t want to wait until she runs away to California. Of course, this is Jackie, so she’d probably run away to, like, Dallas. And I can’t see you getting along well with the Texans when you go out to get her. There’d be a bar fight, you spend the night in jail, your cellmate’s a cowboy with a bad moustache and a “Remember the Alamo” belt buckle who makes you his wife... you know what, go ahead and hold out. That sounds fun.

_RED and KITTY enter from the living room. Eric stands and moves to meet them by the stove._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Hey, Mom, Dad. I have something I want to tell you. I’ve decided not to move away.

**RED** :

What?

**ERIC:**

Yeah. I’m gonna stay and put off college for just for a little while.

(to Red)

Or, at least until you’re well enough to go back to work.

_Kitty sweeps Eric into a huge hug. Hyde snickers from the table._

**KITTY** :

My baby! My baby! My baby!

**ERIC** :

Okay, okay, Mom, this is actually kind of embarrassing. You’re actually really hurting me, yeah.

_She lets him go._

**RED** :

(to Eric)

You mean I’ve been waiting eighteen years for you to get your butt out of this house, and now you’re staying?

_Ignoring that, Eric produces a check from his pocket and hands it to Kitty._

**ERIC** :

Look, Mom, I signed over my paycheck to you. I, uh, I want you to go buy yourself something pretty. Or, I don’t know, electricity.

**KITTY** :

Oh, honey, thank you.

_She hugs him again, more gently this time._

**KITTY (cont’d):**

Red, it wouldn’t kill you to thank him.

**RED** :

It might. I just had a heart attack.

_Kitty gives him a look, then takes a scrap of paper hidden under the coffee tin. She and Red cross to the table and sit._

**KITTY** :

Speaking of which, I found this in the garbage last night. Why would you throw away the list of all the food the doctor said we couldn’t have in the house?

**RED** :

Kitty, did you look at that list? If I had known what I was coming home to after my heart attack, I would’ve walked straight into that bright light and never looked back.

**KITTY:**

Oh, come on, it can’t be that bad. I’ll do it with you. ‘Cause what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

**ERIC** :

Actually, Mom, Dad’s the gander. The male goose. So it would be “what’s good for the gander is good for the goose.”

_He sits back down, takes the list._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

So, let’s take a gander at what you’re giving up with the gander.

_He chuckles, even as Red and Hyde roll their eyes._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

That’s how you do that. Okay...

(reading)

“Potato chips, other salty snacks...”

**KITTY** :

Good advice. The doctor obviously knows what he’s talking about.

**ERIC** :

(reading)

“Butter, heavy cream, cheese...”

**KITTY** :

Gone. Makes a lot of sense.

**ERIC:**

(reading)

“Alcoholic beverages...”

**KITTY** :

Okay, that doctor’s a quack.

_Kitty snaps up the list and storms into the living room._

**BUMPER**

**INT. DONNA’S BEDROOM - DAY**

_A short time later. Eric observes as DONNA packs the suitcase on her writing desk with clothes._

**DONNA** :

God, it’s gonna be so hard going off to college without you. But we’ll see each other on the weekends, right?

**ERIC** :

Well, you say that now, but then there’s that weekend when you call home and say you have to “study” but I hear Moose the placekicker in the background asking if you want another shot of tequila, so...

**DONNA** :

Eric, that would never happen. I would never date a placekicker. It’s quarterback or nothing for me.

**ERIC** :

Ah!

_They laugh and embrace._

**DONNA** :

The more I think about leaving you, the sadder I get. And the sadder I get, the more I wanna be with you. Right now.

**ERIC** :

(beat)

Now? Well, yeah, I mean, I guess –

_Donna shoves him down onto the bed, jumps him, and begins unbuttoning his shirt._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

whoa! All right, this is great! It’ll be, like, completely spontaneous! Like, I just -

**DONNA** :

Why are you talking?

**ERIC** :

I’m sorry, I just –

_She cuts him off with a deep kiss. He gives into it and pulls her further down onto him, and we cut to:_

**BUMPER**

**INT. HUB – DAY**

_A very slow afternoon; the place is nearly empty. Among the few customers are Jackie, KELSO, and FEZ at the wall table, Jackie in a chair and the boys in the booth seat._

**JACKIE** :

Do you two think I’m immature?

**KELSO** :

No, you’re almost fully grown.

_They both give her a look-over, which she chooses to ignore._

**JACKIE** :

Well, Steven thinks so. Apparently, I’m immature. Well, he wants “mature?” He thinks that’s cool? I can be cool. People can change. Olivia Newton-John did it for John Travolta, and that movie was incredibly realistic.

_She looks up in thought. A slow zoom in as we cut to:_

**INT. HUB – DAY**

_FANTASY SEQUENCE. The Hub, with all the tables conveniently cleared for any impending choreography. Hyde, Eric, Kelso, and Fez are gathered around the Space Invaders game._

_Jackie and Donna enter, Jackie in Sandy’s greaser chick outfit from GREASE. They strut across the room until they stand across from the boys. Eric, Kelso, and Fez all whip around to look at them._

**ERIC** :

WOW!

**KELSO** :

Yowza.

**FEZ** :

Yummy.

_Hyde looks up last. When he sees Jackie, he rips the sunglasses off his head._

**HYDE** :

Jackie?

**JACKIE** :

Tell me about it, Steve.

_The girls move onto their marks, as do the boys. “You’re The One That I Want” from GREASE begins to play as a full-on song and dance number begins._

**HYDE (lip-sync)** :

_I got chills! They’re multiplying_

_And I’m losing control_

_‘Cause the power you’re supplying_

_It’s electrifying!_

**JACKIE (lip-sync)** :

_You better shape up ‘cause I need a man_

_And my heart is set on you_

_You better shape up_

_You better understand_

_To my heart I must be true..._

**HYDE (lip-sync)** :

_Nothing left_

_Nothing left for me to do..._

**JACKIE & HYDE (lip-sync)**:

_You’re the one that I want_

_(You are the one I want)_

_Ooh, hoo, hoo, honey!_

_The one that I want_

_(You are the one I want)_

_Ooh, hoo, hoo, honey!_

_The one that I want_

_(You are the one I want)_

_Ooh, hoo, hoo!_

_The one I need_

_Oh, yes indeed..._

_By the end of the number, Jackie is wrapped around Hyde with arms and legs as he gazes into her eyes._

**HYDE** :

Oh, Jackie, you’re so cool and mature. Please take me back. ‘Cause we belong together like bob-bobba-loo-ba, shawalla shebang-shebang.

_In reply, she pulls him into a long, passionate kiss. The others all group together, offering (ad-libbed) congratulations and celebrations. A heart flanked by two unicorns serves as an iris closing on the scene, and we fade back into reality..._

**INT. HUB – DAY**

_Jackie sways gently in her seat to the music in her head. Kelso and Fez share a look._

**KELSO** : 

(to Jackie)

Are you gonna sing? ‘Cause we’ve heard you sing, and... you’re not gonna sing, are you?

_Fez shakes his head, pleading._

**JACKIE:**

No, but I’m gonna get Steven back, whatever it takes. And I’m gonna get me a pair of those black satin pants, ‘cause I look good in those.

_And thus, she turns back to daydreaming._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY**

_A short time later. Hyde snacks at the counter as Red slowly, reluctantly drops an assortment of junk food piled on the stovetop into the trash can._

_Eric and Kitty enter, each carrying a cart loaded with liquor bottles._

**KITTY** :

Okay, the doctor wins. Eric and I boxed up all the liquor.

**ERIC** :

(to Hyde)

Man, look at all this. It’s like Dean Martin exploded. There were bottles in the liquor cabinet, the dining room hutch, my mom’s nightstand...

_He picks up the offending bottle._

**KITTY** :

Oh, no, no. That’s for polishing furniture.

**ERIC** :

Mom, there’s lipstick on it.

**HYDE** :

It’s just your luck, Forman. You’re about to turn eighteen and there’s gonna be no hooch left in the house to steal.

_Red and Kitty’s eyes snap to him._

**HYDE (cont’d):**

I mean, avoid.

(They stare)

Do homework next to. Pray near.

(They stare)

Come on!

**RED** :

Yeah, it’s gonna be pretty boring around here.

(to Eric)

You know what you should do? Go to college.

_He exits to the basement._

**ERIC** :

Mom, would it be too much to ask for Dad to be grateful that I’m staying?

**KITTY** :

Honey, we’re all going through hard times. You’re giving up your future. I’m giving up my Schnapps. Let’s not compare our pain.

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY**

_THE CIRCLE. Open on Eric’s empty seat, which he hurries into._

**ERIC** :

Hey, sorry I’m late. Donna was really upset about leaving, so I had to comfort her in a bedular way. It turns out, if I get her sad, she gives it away like goldfish at a freakin’ carnival.

_Pan to Fez._

**FEZ** :

Eric, I think you may have found a secret “open sesame” to sex. Make the lady cry. Perhaps I should try that with my wife. “Laurie, here’s a dead cat. Now, do me.”

_Pan to Hyde._

**HYDE** : 

A little history, Fez – I think Laurie has a lot of “open sesames.” Like “hi, Laurie.” That usually does it.

_Pan to Kelso._

**KELSO** :

Actually, I only ever got as far as “hi.” Fez, I did it with your wife!

_Pan to Eric._

**ERIC** :

God, I have so much power over Donna now. It’s like I know how Obi-Wan Kenobi feels.

(doing Obi-Wan)

“These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.”

(normal voice)

Man, I wish I could do it with Donna in a land speeder on Tatooine. That would be so awesome.

**BUMPER**

_MUSIC NOTE: “Hot Child in the City” by Nick Glider._

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY**

_Moments later. Jackie, in a tiny bikini and sunglasses, is sprawled out on a lawn chair set up in the driveway. She turns and smiles as the four boys file out from the kitchen. They’re all still coming down from the Circle, but that doesn’t stop them from checking Jackie out – Hyde especially._

**JACKIE** :

Hello, boys.

**FEZ** :

And hello, sun goddess.

_If looks could kill, Hyde would’ve just murdered Fez. He looks away from Jackie and inches away from Hyde._

_Jackie flips her sunglasses up and stands._

**JACKIE** :

(to Hyde)

You know, Steven, a tan’s not the only thing I have now that I didn’t have when we were going out.

_She lifts up her right foot, drawing attention to:_

**FEZ** :

(gasp)

Toe ring.

_Hyde, sucking in deep breaths, tries his best not to look. His best isn’t very good._

**JACKIE** :

(to Hyde)

Yep. Tan, toe ring – a tattoo.

**HYDE** :

(scoffs)

You don’t have a tattoo. You’re bluffing.

(beat)

You have a tattoo?

_He looks her over, tries to see her back._

**JACKIE** :

Well, we’re not going out, so I guess you’ll never know.

_She walks past him, brushing him with her shoulder as she does, and heads back into the house. The guys all follow her with their eyes._

_Hyde takes a few steps after her before catching himself. Eric, Kelso, and Fez all grin._

**KELSO:**

Look at you watching her. You love her, man.

(doing Hyde)

“Oh, baby, I love you so much.”

_He starts making kissy faces. Fez does the same, and they lean into each other for a bit, just missing the other’s lips._

**KELSO** :

(laughing)

Were you doing Jackie?

**FEZ** :

(beat)

Yes, yes.

**HYDE** :

Why am I even thinking about her? Man, she’s like Tahiti. It’s warm and it’s beautiful and you wanna go there, but when you do, you get bit by a mosquito and you get malaria and you’re sick for the rest of your life.

**KELSO** :

You know, when me and Jackie were going out, this’d be right around the time that you got us back together after a break-up. It’s too bad you don’t have your own you around.

**ERIC** :

Kelso, would you really want two Hydes around? You’d be getting frogged from the right and the left 24 hours a day.

_Unconsciously, Kelso wraps his arms around himself, covering his biceps._

**HYDE** :

(to Kelso)

I wasn’t trying to get you back together. I was trying to get her to stop crying.

_Each of the boys reacts – Eric amused, Kelso guilty, Fez ready to cry. Hyde stirs uncomfortably under their eyes._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

She was ruining all my shirts.

_They keep staring._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

Shut up!

_When they keep staring, Hyde delivers an open-palm smack to Fez’s forehead. He falls back against Eric, who falls back against Kelso, and all three of them collapse to the ground. Hyde marches off down the drive._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY**

_Another day. “Baby Come Back” by Player is on the radio. Eric and Donna read a magazine together on the couch, Jackie sits in the lawn chair, and Kelso paces up and down._

**KELSO** :

Jackie, I’ve noticed you and Hyde are still broken up. As the man who used to pleasure you endlessly, I think it’s only fitting that I take over Hyde’s old job of getting you back together with your fella, ‘cause when I’m a cop, I’m gonna have to deal with domestic cases like this all the time.

**DONNA** :

And the good news is, he’ll have guns.

**KELSO** :

Yeah, this is gonna be a piece of cake. Y’know, they should’ve put me in charge of Vietnam. I would’ve had those people making out in a week.

_He exits out the basement door._

**ERIC** :

Wow. Donna, that might be the last time you’ll ever get to see Kelso make an even bigger mess of a problem.

**DONNA** :

Yeah, I’m gonna miss that. And I’m gonna miss you.

_She sets the magazine down and leans into Eric._

**JACKIE** :

Well, I’m not gonna miss you two slobbering all over each other like fat girls in a house with free meat.

_She stands and exits out the basement door._

**ERIC** :

And that might be the last time that Jackie ever makes fun of us, fat girls, and meat.

**DONNA:**

Yeah...

_She throws herself at Eric, and they begin violently making out. Thus begins:_

MONTAGE.

_A) FORMAN DRIVEWAY. Eric and Donna lean against the Vista Cruiser. Eric heaves a long sigh._

**DONNA:**

What?

**ERIC:**

Nothing. It’s just... this could be the last time that you and I stand by the Vista Cruiser. I just waxed her – she’s all slippy slidy.

_Donna whirls around to kiss Eric. The two of them make out, sliding up and down the Vista Cruiser._

_B) DONNA’S BEDROOM. Donna sits at her writing desk. Eric stands over her, toothbrush in hand._

**ERIC:**

Donna, this might be the last time I bring you your toothbrush.

**DONNA:**

That’s not my toothbrush.

**ERIC:**

(beat)

Might be the last time I bring you the wrong toothbrush.

_Donna shoves everything off her desk. Eric lies down across it, she jumps on top of him, and they go at it._

**BUMPER**

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - DAY**

_Later that afternoon. Hyde and Kelso sit in the chairs on the back porch._

**KELSO** :

Okay, Hyde. If I’m gonna get you and Jackie back together, I’m gonna start by doing what you always did for me, which was point out all the stuff I was doing wrong. So let’s start with the fact that you have curly hair.

_Hyde gives Kelso a dirty look. It goes right over Kelso’s head._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

That’s cute on girls and little kids, but on a man, that’s just dirty. Plus you don’t wash it and you’ve got those sideburns, so that’s a double _ugh_.

(afterthought)

Oh, and you slept with that nurse.

**HYDE** :

That only happened because you hit on Jackie for that whole year, and it led to a misunderstanding. And I owned up to what I did. If Jackie was gonna take me back anyway, she shouldn’t have made me spend all summer waiting on her.

**KELSO** :

Yeah, but Hyde, you should’ve known she wouldn’t just get over that. You never pushed her to just get over it when I slept with Laurie, or made out with Pam Macy, or stole 50 bucks from her, or that mess Fez and I left in her dad’s Lincoln after that night of cow-tipping went wrong.

**HYDE** :

(sighs)

Fine. Maybe I was sort of impetuous and maybe a little rash.

**KELSO** :

Now, see, that’s something that Jackie oughta know.

CUT TO:

**INT. DONNA’S BEDROOM - DAY**

_Minutes later. Jackie and Kelso stand in the bedroom, talking._

**KELSO** :

Hyde says that he was sort of infectious and he has a rash.

**JACKIE** :

What?

**KELSO** :

I’m just telling you what he said.

**JACKIE** :

All right, look, Michael, Steven’s the one who messed up the relationship. He thought you and I were together, but he was just wrong. He fabricated the whole mess.

**KELSO** :

Well, somebody ought to make that clear.

CUT TO:

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY**

_Minutes later. Kelso and Hyde, basketball under his arm, stand in the driveway, talking._

**KELSO** :

Jackie wants you to know that there was a mess ‘cause she was wearing the wrong fabric.

**HYDE** :

That can’t be what she said.

**KELSO** :

It’s word for word, man.

**HYDE** :

Kelso, would you get out of here?

**KELSO** :

What? I’m helping.

**HYDE** :

You’re making me wanna kick your ass!

**KELSO** :

That better be the rash talking.

_Kelso walks off through the garage. Hyde nails him in the back with the basketball before heading into the house._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY**

_Kitty looks over items on the shelf near the patio door. Red enters from the living room, paper bag in hand. He takes a careful look around the kitchen, but misses Kitty. She watches as he draws a can of beer from the bag and pops it open. He lifts it to his lips to drink..._

**KITTY** :

Busted, mister.

_Red slams the can down on the stovetop._

**RED** :

You’re like a damn cat. I’m gonna make you wear a bell.

_Kitty crosses to him, points at the can_ **.**

**KITTY** :

Bad health in a can, that’s what that is. The doctor said he wants nothing like that around here, and I agree. All it takes is a little willpower, Red.

_Kitty opens the flour tin and pulls out a bottle of wine. She pours a healthy amount into her water glass._

**KITTY (cont’d):**

Even though you used to do something without thinking, you just – you have to grab a hold of those thoughts.

_She downs the wine._

**RED** :

Can I get you a refill there?

_Kitty looks from him, to her glass, to her bottle._

**KITTY** :

Well, there’s a lesson for you. You’re welcome.

_She exits to the living room, taking bottle and glass with her._

_As she leaves, Eric enters._

**ERIC:**

(to Red)

Hey.

**RED** :

Oh, hey – listen, son. You know, uh... it means a lot to your mother, you staying here and helping out the family. And as for me, I... well, uh...

_He takes a scrap of paper from his pocket and hands it to Eric._

**RED (cont’d):**

There. The doctor said I should write down my feelings.

**ERIC** :

Are you actually thanking me?

_He reads the note._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

This is a list of yard work.

**RED** :

Yeah, the lawn thanks you for all that mowing you’re gonna do.

**ERIC** :

You’re welcome, Dad.

**RED** :

Yeah. Well...

_Eric steps in for a hug, but Red holds his hand up._

**RED (cont’d):**

All right, we’re both men here.

_Eric nods, heads out to the drive._

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY**

_Eric and Donna sit on the couch, watching GILLIGAN’S ISLAND._

**ERIC** :

Oh, God.

**DONNA** :

What’s wrong?

**ERIC** :

Nothing. It’s just... this could be the last time that you and I watch Gilligan get hit on the head by the Skipper.

**DONNA** :

Eric, the more we talk about me going away, the sadder you get. And being with you so much lately has been great, but afterwards... well, you always used to look a little bit ashamed, and... I mean, now you just seem depressed.

**ERIC** :

Oh, no, no. I’m not depressed, Donna. You are depressed.

_He stands, shoves everything off the coffee table._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

Okay, let’s do this.

**DONNA** :

(stands)

Okay, hold on. All this “last time” stuff – have you been saying that just for sex?

**ERIC** :

What? Have I... what?

(doing Obi-Wan)

“This is not the one you’re angry with.”

_He waves his hand in front of her eyes._

**DONNA** :

You’re disgusting.

_She storms out the door. Eric sits down. Donna re-enters immediately, and Eric stands back up right away._

**DONNA (cont’d):**

That might be the last time we fight over you trying to get me to have sex with you!

**ERIC** :

I know!

_Donna hurries over to him, takes him in an embrace, and they fall back down onto the couch as they kiss._

**BUMPER**

**EXT. FORMAN FRONT PORCH – DAY**

_Closer to evening than afternoon. Fez and Kelso sit together on the front porch. Kelso has a hand on his temple._

**KELSO** :

This “getting people back together” business is hard. I don’t remember ever throwing a basketball at Hyde’s back when he was doing this, and I don’t think Jackie ever threw an empty hairspray can at his head.

(to Fez)

Your wife did that to me once.

**FEZ** :

I get it. You had sex with my wife. Stop rubbing it in.

**KELSO** :

Wow. I wasn’t even trying to burn you with that one. It’s just too easy. Just like your wife.

_Fez turns away, pouting, while Kelso chuckles._

**KELSO** :

Man, it’s obvious that Hyde and Jackie both wanna be together, and they would be in a second if they just thought that the other one had said “I’m sorry.”

_He considers that for a second, then leaps to his feet, Fez following._

**KELSO** :

Eureka, Fez! Eureka!

**FEZ** :

I’m one step ahead of you, my friend!

**KELSO** :

Yeah, I’ll just lie to both of them and tell them the other one said “I’m sorry!”

**FEZ** :

Oh. I thought we were going to try and get my wife to do me.

**KELSO** :

(beat)

Good luck with that.

_He claps Fez on the shoulder and runs off._

CUT TO:

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - DAY**

_Minutes later. Kelso has gathered Jackie and Hyde in front of the Vista Cruiser. He takes them each by the shoulder and pulls them in closer._

**KELSO** :

Okay, here we go. Let’s make up.

**JACKIE** :

All right. Look, Steven, I heard what you said.

**HYDE** :

Yeah, I heard what... wait a minute, you heard what I said?

**JACKIE** :

Yeah, Michael told me. And, just so you know – I’m sorry too.

**HYDE** :

Too? No, you’re not sorry too. You’re sorry one, I’m sorry two.

**JACKIE** :

(beat)

Wait, what? No, Michael said -

**HYDE** :

Yeah, he said that...

_They both turn to glare at Kelso._

**KELSO:**

Whoa! I did my work. You two gotta clean this mess up yourselves.

**HYDE** :

(to Jackie)

So nothing’s changed then?

**JACKIE** :

(shrugs)

Guess not.

**HYDE** :

(scoffs)

Forget this.

_Jackie turns to head down the drive, Hyde turns to go back into the house. Kelso pulls them both back and turns them toward each other._

**KELSO** :

Okay, enough. Look, you guys, who cares who apologized first?

(to Hyde)

Jackie obviously wants to be with you, and you’re here, which means that you wanna be with her, and I don’t blame you, ‘cause with that rash, you ain’t got a whole lot of choices.

**JACKIE** :

All right, look, Steven, do you wanna be with me?

_Hyde gives a very small shrug._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

No, no, a shrug’s not gonna cut it. Steven, I need you to say something. All right, look – I’ll even go first. Steven, I wanna be with you. And you?

**HYDE** :

I... can you hang on a second?

_He turns to Kelso and frogs him in the arm._

**HYDE (cont’d):**

Would you get out of here?

**KELSO** :

If you want me to leave, all you have to do is say “please.”

**HYDE** :

Fine, please!

_He frogs Kelso again._

**KELSO** :

That’s better.

_He retreats into the house._

**HYDE** :

Jackie, I do wanna be with you.

_Coy, Jackie takes a step in._

**JACKIE** :

Because...

_She traces a heart in the air with her fingers._

**HYDE** :

(beat)

Will you take a shrug for that?

**JACKIE** :

(smiles, shrugs)

Eh.

_She throws her arms around his neck. His arms wrap around her waist, and they kiss._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**CREDITS**

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY**

_LAURIE is at the island with a laundry basket. She sorts through her things as Fez comes up from the basement and moves behind her._

**FEZ** :

Hello, darling. I see you are washing your unmentionables.

**LAURIE** :

Yeah. Do you know what gets out grass stains and Kailua?

**FEZ** :

Anyways, I was thinking how sad you must be considering the mess you made of your life. With all that sadness, do you also not get needy?

**LAURIE** :

Y’know, I sort of do.

**FEZ** :

Ali Baba, the treasure is mine!

**LAURIE** :

I’m gonna go see if Carlos is home.

_She struts out the door. Fez sighs, smiles, and leans on the laundry basket._

**FEZ** :

That Carlos is one lucky S.O.B. to have a wife like mine.

**END.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope no one's disappointed by how comparatively unaltered this one is to 6-01! If I'm being honest, I don't find the idea that Hyde would be too proud and stubborn to get back together with Jackie right away after making him wait on an answer to be out-of-character; I just don't like the sloppy and cavalier way the show presented that idea, or the lack of a peek behind the curtain as to how he really feels. With these rewrites of 6-01 and 6-02 together, I've tried to do that.
> 
> In any event, now that Jackie and Hyde are back together, it's on to the middle of Season 6...


	29. J/H 6-15: Who Are You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now we come to the Pam Burkhart arc...
> 
> Ooh boy.
> 
> Pam herself doesn't have much to do with what I don't like about her run of episodes, except that an arc that you would think would be about Jackie's conflict with her mom devolves into an unfocused mess loosely built around Bob and Pam dating. While I couldn't - and didn't want to fully exorcise that plot point, I did try throughout this run of episodes to refocus the story on Jackie's conflict. And, of course, have Hyde there for her too...
> 
> (We assume that, in this timeline, 6-03 to 6-14 play out just as we know them.)

**SHOW TITLE**

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY**

_A pleasant, cool afternoon. ERIC sits on the back of the Vista Cruiser, watching as HYDE and JACKIE play basketball._

_DONNA comes out from the kitchen. Eric hops down, crosses to meet her._

**ERIC:**

Oh, hey, Donna. Um, about this little celibacy kick we're on - does that cover quickies? 'Cause I could be really quick.

**DONNA:**

Well, that's why I call you "the Flash."

**ERIC:**

That's why you call me “the Flash? I thought it was 'cause I was flashy, like an entertainer. Come on, one little one. You can even watch TV.

**DONNA:**

Eric, we agreed to hold off until the wedding. It's cleansing.

**ERIC:**

No, Donna, giving up cigarettes is cleansing. Giving up sex is reckless and irresponsible, and I think it might cause cancer.

_No dice for Eric; Donna just laughs his pleas off._

_BOB comes up the drive, crosses to Jackie._

**BOB:**

Hey, Jackie. I know since you moved in, we agreed to give each other messages as soon as possible, and in the spirit of that, your mom called last Tuesday.

**JACKIE:**

What? No, she couldn't call. She's in Mexico. They don't have phones there.

**DONNA:**

Uh, yeah, they do.

**JACKIE:**

Why would we give them phones?

(to Bob)

Look, I don’t have anything to say to my mom. She ditched me, and that’s all I need to know.

**ERIC:**

Oh, man, that's... that’s really sad. It's, like, a mother and daughter divided.

(to Donna)

So, hey, what about some second base action?

**BOB:**

(to Eric)

What did I tell you about talking about the bases, Flash?

_Eric turns to Donna, aghast._

**ERIC:**

Donna!

**DONNA:**

(shrugs)

He doesn't know why.

_She exits down the driveway._

**BOB:**

Jackie, you should cut your mom a break. I think she's charming.

**JACKIE:**

If she calls again, just tell her I don't want to see her.

**BOB:**

Well, that's too bad, 'cause I just picked her up from the airport.

_Up the driveway struts PAM BURKHART, blonde, tanned, and beaming._

**PAM:**

And here I am.

**JACKIE:**

Mom!

**PAM:**

Oh, I love making an entrance.

(to Bob)

Be a dear and go watch my luggage.

**BOB:**

Really? Thanks.

_Giggling, Bob hurries down the drive._

**JACKIE:**

(to Pam)

What are you doing here?

**ERIC:**

Who cares?

_He pushes past Jackie to shake Pam’s hand._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

Welcome to my driveway, pretty lady. I'm Eric Forman. Remember me? Big fan.

**PAM:**

Oh, right. My toy poodle Snowball almost killed you when you were six.

**ERIC:**

I was 13, but, yeah.

_A breathless KELSO and FEZ come racing up the driveway to Pam’s side._

**KELSO:**

Mrs. Burkhart! I thought I saw gorgeous, flowing hair on bronze shoulders. And I wasn't near a mirror, so I knew it had to be you.

**FEZ:**

And I just run where Kelso runs.

**PAM:**

Well, thank you, Michael. You always did have a discerning eye.

**KELSO:**

Oh, I’ve got a lot more body parts going for me than that. Just ask your daughter.

_Hyde crosses to frog him in the arm._

**KELSO (cont’d):**

OW!

(to Pam)

You remember Hyde? He’s Jackie’s new boyfriend. Just don’t mention I did it with her first.

_Hyde frogs him again. Kelso cries, pulls Fez between them as a shield._

**PAM:**

(to Hyde)

Didn’t you rob our house?

**HYDE:**

Well, I was in there a few times at night, but I never took anything.

**JACKIE:**

Mom, why are you back?

**PAM:**

It got rainy in Cabo, so I hopped on a plane.

**FEZ:**

(to Hyde)

I wish I was a plane. Then she could hop on me. And by “hop on me,” I mean –

**HYDE:**

Yeah, yeah, we got it, Fez.

**JACKIE:**

(to Pam)

Wait, let me guess: "rainy in Cabo" is Spanish for "my rich pilot boyfriend ran out of money."

**PAM:**

Don't be silly. I don't know any Spanish. Except for _gracias_ and _mas tequila_. I just missed you.

**JACKIE:**

Well, I didn't miss you.

_She stomps her foot and runs off to the back of the house._

**HYDE:**

And there's the stomp and cry.

(to the guys)

See you guys tomorrow.

_He hurries after Jackie. The rest of the guys move closer to Pam._

**KELSO:**

Mrs. Burkhart, I know you and Jackie are working through some difficult stuff, but may I just say, nice tan?

**ERIC:**

Yeah, it really makes everything pop.

**FEZ:**

Yeah, I'm popping a little right now.

_For reasons best known to Pam, she seems charmed by that, even as Eric and Kelso recoil._

**MAIN CREDITS**

**BUMPER**

**INT. HYDE’S BEDROOM – DAY**

_Hyde’s room isn’t quite what Jackie made it in 6-11 (“I Can See For Miles”) – the pink and the unicorns are gone – but the twinkle lights, scented candles, floral curtains and furniture, and goose down duvet all remain. Hyde, sans shades, lies in his bed, with Jackie in his arms and her head on his shoulder. Jackie holds SCHATZI in her arms._

**JACKIE:**

God, I cannot believe my mom. Why did she have to go all the way to Mexico to drink all day? A good mom stays at home and drinks, like Mrs. Forman with her wine. And I’m supposed to believe she came back after all this time for me? The last time I heard from her was a postcard three months ago that just said “good afternoon from Cancun.” And it wasn’t a good afternoon. It was 8 AM when I got it!

**HYDE:**

My dad tried to get back in touch with me once. He left a six-pack on my car.

**JACKIE:**

How did you know it was your dad?

**HYDE:**

He was passed out on the hood.

**JACKIE:**

(shakes her head)

You know what the worst part is?

**HYDE:**

That you feel like you should give her another chance ‘cause she’s your mom, even though you know she’ll probably just screw you over again.

_Jackie looks up at his face. He looks down at her, gives her a very small smile. They both know: he’s been in her shoes. Jackie moans and buries her face into Hyde’s shoulder._

_The muffled sounds of a clock chiming catch them both by surprise. Hyde reaches up to the dresser drawer above them, slides it open, and takes out a small, ornate clock. He presents it to Jackie, who takes it._

**JACKIE:**

This is the clock from the mantle in my dad’s old office.

**HYDE:**

Yeah, I lied before. I took a few things when I was in your house.

_He takes the clock back, sets it on the floor, and holds Jackie a little tighter as she cuddles up against him and Schatzi licks her nose._

CUT TO:

**INT. PINCIOTTI KITCHEN – DAY**

_Concurrent with the previous scene. Pam, Bob, and Donna sit around the kitchen table as Pam relates her travels._

**PAM:**

And then we flew down to Tijuana. I shouldn’t speak too much about our time there, but let’s just say that Escobar was intimately acquainted with the local bar scene.

_She chuckles and looks around the house._

**PAM (cont’d):**

So, this is where my Jackie has been staying? Well, I can’t speak for the rest of the house, but this kitchen is just so... kitschy. (laughs)

(to Bob)

It was so good of you to take her in. I feel just awful about how things went. That was quite the trial.

**DONNA:**

Yeah. I mean, you being gone and her dad going to prison – Jackie’s been through a lot.

**PAM:**

No, I mean her father’s arrest. It was quite the trial. I wasn’t there, of course, but my girlfriends in the Ladies of Point Place filled me in. It sounded exhausting.

_She sighs and fans herself as Donna and Bob share a look._

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY**

_Concurrent with the previous two scenes. Fez and Kelso sit on the couch, perusing a pamphlet in Kelso’s hands._

**KELSO:**

Whoa, check out this new police academy they're sending me to in Waukegan. It's got its own pool. Oh, man, if I'd have known it was gonna be this nice, I'd have burned down the old one a lot sooner.

**FEZ:**

Kelso, I'm really going to miss you. Who's gonna take my lunch money and tease me and pull down my pants in front of girls?

**KELSO:**

Hey, say something about Jackie’s boobs around Hyde, and he’ll do more than that, buddy.

_Eric enters from the basement door, his hands full of bottle rockets._

**ERIC:**

Hey, since Donna cut me off, I took the money that I would have spent on a romantic dinner for two and bought me a gross of bottle rockets. Take that, Pinciotti!

_Kelso jumps up and grabs the rockets._

**KELSO:**

Bottle rockets, all right! Fez, start running.

_Fez jumps to his feet, but Eric catches him by the arm before he makes it to the door._

**ERIC:**

No, wait. I got a better idea.

(to Fez)

We’re driving Kelso to the police academy, right? After we drop him off, let's stop at the dairy farm, scare the hell out of some cows. I love cows. They're the one animal I can run faster than.

**KELSO:**

No, no, let's go before you drop me off. That big spotted one needs an attitude adjustment.

**ERIC:**

No, man, it's gotta be at night. We’ve launched so much stuff at those cows during the day, I swear, they recognize the Vista Cruiser.

_Kelso drops back down on the couch and pouts._

**KELSO:**

I can't believe you guys are going without me.

**FEZ:**

(to Eric)

Those cows will never know what hit them. And even after it hits them, they still won't know, because they're cows.

_He gains a faraway look in his eye as Eric takes back the rockets._

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY**

_The Formans enjoy a rare moment of quiet. KITTY reads at the kitchen table as RED takes a beer from the fridge._

_Kitty flips her magazine down and looks up at Red._

**KITTY:**

Why don't we ever have tea?

**RED:**

Well, this sounds like the beginning of a wonderful argument. Like the “stuffing versus mashed potatoes” fight that turned into “why don't I ever take you on vacation.”

**KITTY:**

Why don't you ever take me on vacation?

**RED:**

Oh, crap.

_The patio door slides open, and Donna enters._

**DONNA:**

Um, have you guys seen Jackie anywhere?

**RED:**

Well, let’s see... my ears aren’t bleeding from listening to a four-hour story about a trip to the hair salon. So, no.

**KITTY:**

Now be nice, Red. Jackie’s mom finally came home from her cultural tour of Mexico's many fine bars and cantinas.

(laughs)

**DONNA:**

Yeah, Jackie’s really upset. Her mom tried to talk to her earlier and she just stormed off.

**KITTY:**

Well, that’s no good. Those two need to sit down and work this out.

(taps the table)

They can do it here - with tea. We'll have tea!

**RED:**

No! Why does this always happen here? We're in a recession. There are vacant lots all over the place.

**KITTY:**

Well, you can go stand in a vacant lot. We're having a tea party. With crumpets! I'll find out what they are, and we will have them.

CUT TO:

**INT. KELSO’S BEDROOM – EVENING**

_Later in the day. Kelso lies on his bed, reading a Spider-Man comic book. Eric and Fez enter. They look around and notice a distinct lack of packed bags._

**ERIC:**

Kelso, you’re not packed? You’ve only got one more day before you leave for the police academy.

**FEZ:**

Don’t forget to pack gasoline and matches so you can burn that one down too.

_He and Eric laugh. Kelso frowns, flips around to sit against his pillow._

**KELSO:**

I don't need gasoline to burn stuff down. All I need is these two hands and a lack of adult supervision. Anyway, I'm not going. I decided I didn't want to be a cop.

**ERIC:**

But, Kelso, I thought you wanted to impress the mother of your child and give your life a purpose... and pull over girls for speeding while foxy.

**KELSO:**

No, I got my reasons. I mean, I don't want to leave when things are going so good for me and Brooke. Plus, blue isn't a very good color for me.

**FEZ:**

What, are you crazy? You take blue to a whole new level.

_Kelso shrugs, bends down to pull on his shoes._

**KELSO:**

All right, let's go blast some cows.

**ERIC:**

Whoa. All you talk about is being a cop. You haven't focused on anything this hard since you thought you heard your name on _Led Zeppelin II_.

**KELSO:**

It's in there. In "Whole Lotta Love," he clearly sings "Kelso lotta love."

**FEZ:**

Kelso, we're not gonna let you throw your life away.

**ERIC:**

Yeah, man. We’re gonna make sure you become a cop. Now, I’ll have the car ready tomorrow, bright and early.

(to Fez)

You help him pack.

_He starts for the door._

**KELSO:**

Why aren’t you helping?

**ERIC:**

My mom’s having a tea party.

_Fez and Kelso start to laugh. Eric smiles, nods._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

Yeah. Pam’ll be there.

_He waves an airy salute and strolls out of the room as the smiles fall from Fez and Kelso’s faces._

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – EVENING**

_The tea party is impending. Red sits in the middle of the couch, frowning, while Donna sits at the piano._

_Kitty enters from the kitchen with an elaborate tea tray set and puts it down in front of Red on the coffee table._

**KITTY:**

Okay, here, Red, try this tea. It'll make you feel British.

(doing English accent)

“Mum's the word, guvnor.”

(laughs)

**RED:**

Kitty, this is America. We bomb countries that drink tea.

**KITTY:**

Well, that's because coffee keeps us awake all night, and we wake up in such a bad mood, we have to bomb someone.

_Jackie and Hyde enter from the kitchen. Between the tea set and everyone’s attention snapping their way, it’s not hard to realize something’s up._

**HYDE:**

What’s going on?

_Jackie’s eyes fall on the tea tray._

**JACKIE:**

(gasps)

Are you throwing me a tea party?

**KITTY:**

Sort of.

(laughs)

We have Earl Gray, and Chamomile, and your mother’s coming over, and English Breakfast.

**JACKIE:**

What?

**DONNA:**

Yeah, Jackie. My dad’s bringing her over any minute.

_Jackie glares at Donna and Kitty. Without looking away from them, she throws her hand back behind her. Hyde takes it, and she lets him lead her to the door. Kitty hurries to block their way._

**KITTY:**

No, no, no. Jackie, you need to sit down with your mom and talk about what happened.

**JACKIE:**

Mrs. Forman, I can’t even look my mom in the eye. I mean, I never thought I’d say this, but there comes a point when a person is too tan.

_She and Hyde try to get around Kitty, but she moves to block them again._

**KITTY:**

No, Jackie –

_The doorbell rings._

**KITTY (cont’d):**

(to Jackie)

Ooh, I bet that’s your mom now.

(to Red)

Red, get the door.

(to Jackie)

Just – just try the tea.

_Jackie gives up and Hyde follows her lead; they let Kitty herd them over to the couch as Red gets up and crosses to Donna._

**RED:**

How did my house become the one all these things happen in? This should be at your house. Bob likes company.

_He doesn’t wait for an answer but goes to the door. In step Bob and Pam._

**PAM:**

Hi, Red. I’m Pam Burkhart. I believe you knew my husband.

**RED:**

Well, if by “knew” you mean “got screwed over by him and his crooked city council,” then yes.

_He steps aside, lets Pam and Bob in. Jackie and Hyde stand, as if to leave, but Kitty moves between them and the way to the kitchen door._

**PAM:**

(to Kitty)

You made tea. Oh, I love tea.

**BOB:**

So do I.

**RED:**

Of course you do, Bob.

**PAM:**

(to Jackie)

Hi, honey.

**JACKIE:**

Hi. And by "hi," I mean “not hi,” because I'm not talking to you, even though I'm talking now. So, I'm just gonna stop talking, starting now. Oh! Dang it. Starting now. And now. Shoot! Starting –

**HYDE:**

Yeah, yeah, they got it, Jaq.

_He helps her sit back down on the couch. Pam sits on the other side of her._

**PAM:**

This is awkward.

(beat)

Why don't I tell a story about something charming I did in Mexico?

_Eric rushes in from upstairs, rounds the coffee table, and throws himself into Red’s chair._

**ERIC:**

(breathless)

I'd love to hear it.

**PAM:**

There was this woman on a beach in Cozumel, and normally, I wouldn't talk to someone who had such bad skin, but she was selling the cutest hair clips...

(takes them from her purse)

So, here.

_She hands the bag of hair clips to Jackie._

**JACKIE:**

You know, I'd tell you that this doesn't fix anything, but I'm not talking to you. Oh, shoot! Starting now!

_She throws the bag across the room. Donna catches the bag and looks it over._

**DONNA:**

Damn, these are cute.

**PAM:**

Look, Jackie, when your father got into trouble, I panicked. But that doesn't mean I stopped caring about you. I know that you've got hostile feelings towards me, but I'm your mother, and I love you. And I promise I'll never leave you again.

**BOB:**

I believe her.

**ERIC:**

Me, too.

_Kitty, Red, and Hyde all roll their eyes._

**JACKIE:**

Mom, a good time to tell me you loved me was the day Daddy went to prison, not two months later on a postcard from La Cantina Cucaracha in Guadalajara.

_She stands and storms past Kitty into the kitchen. Immediately, she sticks her head back into the living room._

**JACKIE (cont’d):**

Starting now!

_And with that, she leaves for good._

_Hyde also stands, crosses to Kitty._

**HYDE:**

Mrs. Forman, I hate saying this, ‘cause you usually know what to do, but stop helping with our parents!

_He follows Jackie into the kitchen._

_Donna holds up the bag of hair clips._

**DONNA:**

Mrs. Burkhart, if Jackie seriously doesn't want these, can I have them?

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – EVENING**

_The aftermath of the tea party. Kitty packs up her tea tray as Red stands by, looking more than a little smug. Donna sits on the couch, examining her new hair clips._

**RED:**

Well, whaddya know? A sissy, pansy-ass tea party just couldn’t bring Jackie and her ditzy lush of a mother together. If only we knew someone who could see that these things never work out. Well, I guess that’s just another crazy dream.

**KITTY:**

All right, mister.

(pushes tea tray into his hands)

Just for that, you can put all this away.

_Red rolls his eyes but does as he’s told, exits into the kitchen with the tray. Kitty drops down onto the couch next to Donna._

**KITTY (cont’d):**

Oh, maybe he’s right. Maybe we should leave this between Jackie and her mom.

**DONNA:**

No, Mrs. Forman, if Jackie won’t even listen to her mom, we need to help them patch things up. Moms and daughters should get along, even if one of them’s a little ditzy or a little... Tequila-y.

_Kitty smiles. She knows why this matters to Donna._

**KITTY:**

Have you heard from Midge since you came back from California?

**DONNA:**

A few times. Not a lot.

_Kitty pats Donna’s knee._

**KITTY:**

Well, you’re eighteen now, so what do you say you join me at the home bar for a nice Manhattan?

_She laughs, leads Donna over to the drinks._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – EVENING**

_Concurrent with the previous scene from Red’s exit._

_Red sets the tea tray down on the island. Jackie and Hyde come up from the basement, Hyde carrying Schatzi._

**JACKIE:**

Oh, Mr. Forman, I don’t know what to do!

_She rushes over and hugs him around the chest. Red throws his hands up, glares at Hyde._

**RED:**

This again? Why the hell aren’t you handling this? You’re right there!

_Hyde can only shrug in reply as Jackie refuses to let Red go._

**BUMPER**

**INT. KELSO’S BEDROOM – DAY**

_The next morning. The sheets are pulled up all the way to the headboard over the mass in the bed._

_Eric, knocking even as he opens the door, strolls in with Fez behind._

**ERIC:**

(to Kelso)

Hey, come on, buddy. Time to go to cop school.

_He pulls the sheets back and finds Kelso’s pillows lined up as a decoy._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

I don't believe this.

**FEZ:**

I know. King-size pillows on a twin-size bed? Why didn't I think of that?

**ERIC:**

Man, he just split on us.

_Their eyes are drawn to the closet as a rustling and banging sound leaks out from behind the door._

**KELSO (v.o.):**

Ow!

_Eric and Fez share a look._

**ERIC:**

(flat)

Yeah, he's definitely gone. I guess we'll just leave then.

_In lockstep, he and Fez stomp their feet in place. Fez shuts the door, hard enough for the CLICK to clearly register._

_The closet door opens and out steps Kelso. He finds Eric and Fez waiting for him, arms crossed._

**KELSO:**

Oh, that's not fair. You guys made leaving sounds.

**ERIC:**

Kelso, enough kidding around. We’ve got all your bags packed. Let’s go.

_Kelso makes a show of heaving a sigh. Dragging his feet, he follows Eric and Fez until they reach..._

**INT. KELSO HALLWAY – DAY**

_... Where he promptly runs turns around and runs down the opposite end of the hall._

CUT TO:

**INT. DONNA’S BEDROOM – DAY**

_The girls are both out. The room is seemingly empty until Eric and Fez enter. They immediately move to the closet and throw it open, where they find Kelso crouched down on the floor._

**KELSO:**

That’s not fair either. You didn’t even look anywhere else.

_Eric notices that Kelso’s hands are closed around something._

**ERIC:**

Kelso, is that Donna’s underwear?

_Kelso doesn’t meet Eric’s eyes. He tosses the panties at Eric, springs out past him and Fez, and shoots out of the room._

CUT TO:

**INT. HYDE’S BEDROOM – DAY**

_Hyde and Jackie are cuddling together on the bed, with Schatzi seated on the edge. They seem ready to doze off when a rustling sound comes from behind the curtain. Jackie and Hyde look over towards it._

**JACKIE:**

Fez?

**KELSO (v.o.):**

(doing Fez)

“Yes. This is Fez. Don’t mind me. I am just here doing ‘Fez’ things.”

_Hyde and Jackie share a look._

CUT TO:

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY**

_Eric and Fez lean against the Vista Cruiser. Eric has Donna’s panties in his hands._

**ERIC:**

Damn. Getting these back from Kelso is the closest thing to action I’ve had since that marriage counseling session. I can’t believe how seriously Donna’s taking this celibacy thing. Fez, how do you cope with not getting any?

**FEZ:**

I think you know how I cope. When you don’t see me, I’m coping.

_Hyde comes around from the back of the house, dragging a sputtering, gasping Kelso by his collar._

**HYDE:**

(to Eric)

Hey. You missing one brain-dead cop-in-training?

_He throws Kelso out in front of him. Kelso staggers, spins around, gets upright._

**KELSO:**

(to Hyde)

A simple “get out of my room, please” would have worked just as well.

**ERIC:**

(to Kelso)

Okay, just get in the car.

**KELSO:**

You know, you guys can take me to the academy, but as soon as you leave, I’m gone.

**ERIC:**

All right, Kelso, that’s it. I haven’t had sex in weeks. Fez is in a drought not seen since the Great Dust Bowl. We are tightly wound. So you’d better tell us what your real problem is, or we’re gonna freakin’ throttle you!

**FEZ:**

(to Kelso)

I will tear you apart like a lion.

**KELSO:**

Okay, look, I don't want to tell you guys, because I'm afraid you're gonna make fun of me.

**HYDE:**

Oh, Kelso - of course we're gonna make fun of you.

**KELSO:**

All right, fine. You know what? It's like I'm going to a new school, okay? And I'm worried that I'm not gonna be able to make friends. First off, I'm so much better looking than everyone else. The only reason you guys are friends with me is 'cause you met me before I blossomed.

**HYDE:**

Man, you should be worried about something that could actually happen, like handcuffing yourself to a horse.

**ERIC:**

Look, Kelso, here's the thing - you've stolen my stuff, and you've burned my stuff... you've even groped my stuff. But I still hang out with you because you are a great guy. Come on - you're Michael Kelso, right? You're bulletproof.

_Kelso lets the words sink in. Slowly, he smiles and nods._

**KELSO:**

Dammit, you're right. I am bulletproof. All right - let's get going!

**ERIC:**

All right!

_He, Kelso, and Fez move to pile into the Vista Cruiser as Hyde heads back inside._

_Eric takes Kelso by the arm and pulls him aside._

**ERIC:**

Hey, by the way – um, you're not actually bulletproof.

_He claps Kelso on the shoulder and lets him think about that as he gets behind the wheel._

**BUMPER**

**INT. PINCIOTTI KITCHEN – DAY**

_Later that afternoon. Donna, Jackie, and Hyde all sit around the kitchen table. Jackie is holding on tight to Hyde’s hand with both of hers._

**DONNA:**

Jackie, just go see your mom.

**JACKIE:**

Why should I? She’s only here ‘til she finds a new meal ticket.

**DONNA:**

Jackie, she chose you over golden sunsets, frozen margaritas... man, why aren't we down there?

**JACKIE:**

Donna, you don't get her, because you'll never understand the intoxicating quality of getting anything you want with your looks.

_She lets go of Hyde, stands, and exits out into the yard._

**DONNA:**

(to Hyde)

Okay, that girl does not know how to accept help. “You’re not pretty enough to understand, Donna.” “I’m too cool to live with you, Donna.” “You must be colorblind if you think that’s a good outfit, Donna.” You try acting that way when my uncle Carmine offers to do you a favor, see what happens.

**HYDE:**

Man, none of you are helping.

_He stands, crosses to the island. Donna follows._

**DONNA:**

What do you mean?

**HYDE:**

You all keep trying to make Jackie sit down and work things out with her mom, all Partridge Family, when you don’t even get what she’s going through.

**DONNA:**

Of course I get it. Her mom left. It happened to me, too.

**HYDE:**

Donna, your mom told you she was leaving, and she knew you still had your dad. Jackie found out her mom wasn’t coming back two months after her dad went to prison from a postcard sent from a nudie beach in Acapulco.

**DONNA:**

Okay, well... why would she come back to the town her daughter’s living in if all she wants is a meal ticket?

**HYDE:**

When my parents came back into town, I was the meal ticket.

**DONNA:**

Fine, whatever! Look, Jackie’s mother is a lovely woman. I still say she came back to be with her daughter, not to find some lonely rich guy.

_The kitchen door swings open. Bob and Pam lean inside._

**BOB:**

Donna, Pam and I are gonna catch a movie.

**PAM:**

It’s my first American date in months!

_Giggling, they lean back out._

**DONNA:**

(to Hyde)

Jackie’s mother is a gold-digging tramp!

_Hyde frowns at her as Donna slams a palm down on the island._

CUT TO:

**EXT. POLICE ACADEMY – NIGHT**

_The police academy of Waukegan, a stately training facility for Wisconsin’s finest. The courtyard is filled with cadets and officers._

_The Vista Cruiser is pulled just outside the main entrance. Fez and Eric sit on the back as Kelso shakes their hands one at a time._

**KELSO:**

Okay, I'm all set. So, here I go.

**ERIC:**

Kelso, you're gonna do great. But, hey, just in case, I packed some extra cookies in your lunch to help you make friends.

_He hands him a paper lunch bag._

**FEZ:**

Oh, um... I ate the cookies. Try to find a friend who likes carrots.

**KELSO:**

Okay. Well... guess this is it. Hey, give those cows hell, boys.

_Slowly, he makes his way into the academy. Every few steps, he stops and looks over his shoulder, but he presses on._

_Just as he’s about to reach the center of the courtyard, Eric hops off the back of the Vista Cruiser and starts waving._

**ERIC:**

Hey, Kelso, I love you!

_The other cops all turn to stare. Kelso shrinks under their gaze._

**KELSO:**

(to Eric)

Shut up!

**ERIC:**

Oh, come on, Kelso, you know I love you!

**KELSO:**

Eric, quit it!

**FEZ:**

(with passion)

I love you the most!

_Eric and Kelso both stare at Fez._

**ERIC:**

I was just kidding.

**FEZ:**

(beat)

So was I. So was I.

_He retreats inside the Vista Cruiser._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**CREDITS**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT**

_After the drive back. Hyde sits in his chair, Eric sits on the top of the couch, and Fez sits in the couch properly on the other end. He and Hyde have a few bottle rockets in hand each, while Eric holds the greater bundle._

**HYDE:**

So, no cows out in the field?

**ERIC:**

None. Man, what are we gonna do with all these bottle rockets?

_He and Hyde both slowly turn toward Fez. He sighs and grabs the stupid helmet._

**FEZ:**

Fine, I'll be the cow. But this time, count all the way to ten.

**ERIC:**

You got it, buddy.

_Fez jumps up and races out the basement door._

**ERIC:**

One...

**HYDE:**

Ten.

_They jump up and hurry after Fez._

**END.**


	30. J/H 6-16: Man With Money

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Continuing the trend of refocusing the arc kicked off by Jackie's mom to actually be about Jackie...

**SHOW TITLE**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT**

_A small section of the gang laze around – HYDE in his chair, DONNA on one end of the couch and FEZ on the other, KELSO in the lawn chair. Kelso and Fez are dressed rather “sporty” for just sitting around._

_ERIC comes down the stairs, wearing an extremely ‘70s three-piece orange suit with a brown shirt and awful tie. He pauses at the landing and strikes a pose._

**ERIC** :

Well? Is orange my color?

**HYDE** :

If you’re planning on being ringmaster at the pumpkin patch carnival this Halloween.

_Eric strolls down the rest of the way, sits next to Donna on the couch. He notices her and Hyde’s casual attire._

**ERIC** :

You two aren’t dressing up? Come on – it’s a cocktail party.

**DONNA** :

It’s your parents’ cocktail party. You’ve never even wanted to go to one before, let alone dress for it.

**ERIC** :

Hey, I’m an engaged man, Donna, soon to be married. It’s time to start showing a little class and maturity at social events.

**DONNA** :

You’re in that suit because my dad’s bringing Jackie’s mom, aren’t you?

**ERIC:**

That might have something to do with it.

**KELSO** :

Man, Pam Burkhart. One time, back when I was dating Jackie, Pam was trying to wash her car, right, and she leaned over and, like, squeezed out the sponge. That’s all I remember, ‘cause I rode my bike straight into a tree. She’s why I’m dressed up.

**FEZ** :

Me too. She is like a glorious golden sun goddess looking for strapping young temple boys. Mexico was very good to her.

_He, Kelso, and Eric all sigh and gaze dreamily up to the ceiling._

**HYDE** :

Hey, can we shut up about Pam?

**KELSO** :

Hyde, if you’ve got a better subject of conversation than the finest set of T and A on any of our moms, I don’t think I wanna hear it.

**HYDE** :

Yeah, well, that great T and A are on a lousy mom who ditched their kid, and now that she’s back, Jackie’s a mess. There’s so much crying going on in my room, I’m gonna need a drainage pump or an Aqua-Lung.

**KELSO** :

Oh, like in _Creature from the Black Lagoon_? The chick in that movie is pretty smokin’ too.

**FEZ:**

(gasps)

If you put her together with Mrs. Burkhart, you have the sun and water goddesses!

_He, Kelso, and Eric look up and sigh again._

**HYDE** :

I just need everyone to zip it about Pam before Jackie gets here.

**DONNA** :

Yeah, and definitely don’t say anything about her mom dating my dad. Jackie doesn’t know yet, and we haven’t figured out how to tell her.

_As Donna says the back half of that line, JACKIE comes down the stairs._

**JACKIE** :

Tell me what?

_She sits in Hyde’s lap and looks to Donna, expecting._

**DONNA** :

Um... that Hyde signed you up for ballroom dance lessons.

**JACKIE/HYDE** :

What?

_They look to each other. Jackie is beaming; Hyde doesn’t know what the hell just happened._

**JACKIE** :

I can’t believe you finally agreed to that!

**HYDE** :

(glares at Donna)

Neither can I.

**KELSO:**

(laughing)

Hyde in dance class?

**HYDE:**

Man, you know why they call it a “ballroom?” ‘Cause that’s what they might as well cut off every man who sets foot in one.

**JACKIE** :

Okay, I know I’m going to have to put up with a lot of complaining like that, but I’m finally going to have you out on the dance floor in a tuxedo, so I don’t care!

_She throws her arms around his neck, kisses his cheek, and cuddles._

**FEZ:**

(to Hyde)

Why didn’t you start the lessons sooner so you could show them off at the cocktail party? You know Bob and Pam are going to strut their stuff as soon as the music comes on. We all heard about their date at the disco.

_Jackie’s head snaps up._

**JACKIE:**

My mom and Donna’s dad are _dating_?

_She looks around the room; no one can meet her eyes except for Hyde, who gives a small, reluctant nod._

_Jackie jumps out of Hyde’s lap and runs into his room._

**HYDE:**

Jackie, wait!

_He starts after her. He pauses long enough to lean over the back of the couch and point a threatening finger at Fez._

**HYDE (cont’d):**

If I don’t drown, I’m kicking your ass!

_He disappears into his room as Fez sinks down into the couch._

**MAIN CREDITS**

**BUMPER**

_MUSIC NOTE: “Mack the Knife” performed by Louis Armstrong._

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT**

_Cocktails with the Formans. It isn’t a large party – just a few older couples, spread out through the living room. “Mack the Knife” plays on the record player. RED, manning the home bar, even sings along. KITTY, fresh from the kitchen with a tray of hors d’oeuvres, sets it on the coffee table and half-walks, half-dances over to him._

**RED** :

(singing)

_When the shark bites_

_With his teeth, dear..._

**KITTY** :

Well, you’re awfully happy.

**RED** :

I’m hittin’ the hard booze for the first time since the heart attack, Kitty. Life is worth living again. Plus, chances are everyone here’s getting hammered, so I get to have the cops tow everyone’s car.

_The front door opens, and in walk BOB and PAM, hand-in-hand. Pam is overdressed in a rather scandalous gown. They head straight for the bar._

**BOB** :

Hey, everybody. I brought a date! Look how tall she is. It’s like I’m dating the Statue of Liberty.

**KITTY:**

Oh, Kitty, I just love coming over to your house. You have such unique tastes. It’s like being at a giant flea market.

(taps the bar)

Tequila Sunrise and keep ‘em coming, Red.

_Red gives her a small smile, nods, and gets to work. Kitty eyes him; he should have made a sharp remark by now._

_Eric strolls in from the kitchen, immediately crosses to Pam. Donna, with much less enthusiasm, is a few steps behind him._

**ERIC** :

Mrs. Burkhart? That’s weird. Golly, I didn’t know you were dropping by.

**DONNA** :

(to Eric)

Yeah, you did. I told you she was. And you just said that’s why you were wearing your tacky, pumpkin-colored suit.

**ERIC** :

I’m sorry, Donna. I think you’ve confused “tacky” with “handsome.”

(to Pam)

Which – I don’t mean to brag, but...

_He laughs, strikes a pose, and leads her into the party, Bob in tow. They don’t get very far, however, before Kelso and Fez rush in from the kitchen._

**KELSO** :

Where is she? What’s she wearing?

_They join Bob and Eric in crowding around Pam, who seems a little too pleased with all the attention._

_Donna shakes her head. Kitty taps on the bar._

**KITTY** :

Tall Manhattan and keep ‘em coming, Red.

_Red gives a curt nod, gets to work. Donna and Kitty watch as Pam sits down in Red’s chair and crosses her legs._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

Oh, look at her.

(to Red)

Would you ever want me to show that much leg?

**RED** :

Absolutely not.

**KITTY** :

(beat)

And why not?

**RED:**

(frowns)

You set me up.

_Kitty just glares at him in reply. She snatches her finished drink from his hands and moves into the party. Red looks to Donna, as if for answers; she just shrugs._

_Over at Red’s chair, the boys are at rapt attention as Pam shares a story._

**PAM** :

So that’s when I realized that _tapas_ sounds a lot like “topless.” But, I had already promised, so...

**BOB** :

(to the boys)

Ah, she’s got it all – looks and beauty.

**ERIC** :

So, Mrs. Burkhart – have, um... have you ever seen _The Graduate_?

_Before she can answer, Jackie and Hyde enter from the kitchen. Pam rises, crosses with Bob to meet them. The boys disperse into the party._

**PAM** :

(to Jackie)

Hi, honey. I was hoping you’d be here.

_Jackie doesn’t so much as look at Pam. Instead, she turns to Hyde._

**JACKIE:**

So Steven, I _love_ that new figurine you got me for my birthday. It’s a unicorn, which is sweet, but you stole it out of a rich person’s yard, which is _so_ foxy.

_Pam, scandalized, gapes at Hyde; he just grins back._

**BOB** :

Jackie, your mother’s talking to you.

_Jackie doesn’t look at Bob either._

**JACKIE** :

(to Hyde)

Boy, I hope the Formans don’t need to call a repairman for their stove. I think I smell a gas leak.

_She moves past Pam and Bob to get at the hors d’oeuvres on the coffee table._

**HYDE** :

(to Pam & Bob)

The silent treatment. I’m not usually on the outside watching it. That’s good stuff.

_He moves past them to follow Jackie. They sit down next to each other on the couch and snack. Donna crosses to them, sits on the other side of Jackie._

**DONNA** :

Okay, Jackie, I know that was a lousy way to find out your mom and my dad are dating, but you’re with me now in wanting them to stop seeing each other, right?

_Jackie doesn’t answer or meet Donna’s eyes. Her snacking gets faster, the bites sharper. Hyde notices; Donna doesn’t._

**DONNA (cont’d):**

You know my dad’s buying a hot tub now? With a euphoria jet? He said,

(doing Bob)

“I have all this extra money, and Pammy’s helping me spend some.”

(normal voice)

Well, “Pammy” sure doesn’t waste any time before she starts tapping the first national bank of “lonely rich guy.”

_Jackie, still not looking up at Donna, snaps a toothpick in her hands._

**HYDE** :

(warning)

Donna...

**DONNA** :

(to Jackie)

God, why can’t my dad see that your mom is nothing but a tramp?

_Jackie jumps to her feet._

**JACKIE** :

Oh, you shut up about my mom! She should be going after a _cool_ rich guy, like Jack Nicholson or a Bee Gee. Your Bob of a dad is lucky she settled for him as a meal ticket!

**DONNA** :

Excuse me? You’re saying my dad’s not good enough?

**JACKIE** :

Oh, so you see it too!

_She turns heel and disappears back into the kitchen._

**DONNA** :

(to Hyde)

What the hell was that? She talks about what a gold digger her mom is all the time!

**HYDE** :

(stands)

Hey, Donna, you know how Jackie just told you to shut up?

**DONNA** :

Yeah...

**HYDE** :

Shut up!

_He follows after Jackie. Donna shakes her head and throws her hands up._

_At the front of the room, Fez and Kelso try to make their way to the kitchen door with a bottle of gin tucked into Kelso’s blazer. Kitty intercepts them at Red’s chair._

**KITTY** :

Oh, I cannot believe you kids! Trying to sneak off with my good gin.

_She takes the bottle and starts for the bar._

**KELSO** :

(to Fez)

Yeah, I shoulda known. She can smell booze from a mile away.

_He isn’t as quiet as he thinks; Kitty turns around, and Red comes over from the bar._

**KITTY** :

Excuse me?

**KELSO** :

Oh... I said, “you smell like booze from a mile away.”

**RED** :

That’s worse, dumbass.

_Fez tugs on Kelso’s sleeve, and they vanish into the kitchen._

_Kitty and Red return to the bar, where Pam and Bob are waiting._

**PAM** :

Oh, what a lovely evening. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear I was with rich people.

**RED** :

(to Pam)

Want another drink?

_He takes out two glasses. Kitty puts one of them away._

**KITTY** :

Honey, you shouldn’t be drinking. You have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.

(to Pam)

He has a heart condition. He’s very old.

**RED** :

(to Kitty)

You mean I have to stand here making drinks for these freeloaders when I can’t touch the stuff myself? That’s it – I’m calling the cops. Everyone’s getting towed.

_He steps out from behind the bar and moves for the phone._

**BUMPER**

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY**

_The next morning. The Toyota rests in the drive. Red and Kitty step out. Red has a large HEART MONITOR strapped to his right arm._

**RED:**

I don’t care what that doctor says. I’m not wearing this stupid heart monitor. It makes me look like a damn robot.

**KITTY:**

Red, I'm sure you won't even know it's there. It'll only beep if your heart rate goes above normal, like when you get agitated or excited or extra angry or extra happy.

_She gives him a playful poke in the arm._

**KITTY (cont’d):**

Putting my money on extra angry.

_Red grunts, opens up the trunk._

**RED:**

I bet the damn thing doesn't even work.

_He and Kitty gather up grocery bags as they continue talking._

**KITTY** :

You know what, Red? Your attitude stinks. You wouldn't be in this mess if you'd just listened to me in the first place.

**RED:**

Kitty...

**KITTY:**

I told you to eat more fiber in the mornings. I told you to exercise. I even told you to wear more comfortable shoes for circulation. Did you listen? No. So I guess I'm just gonna keep telling you and telling you and telling you –

_The heart monitor lets out a quick series of loud beats._

**RED:**

What do you know? It does work.

_He slams the lid down on the trunk and heads inside._

**BUMPER**

**EXT. PINCIOTTI BACKYARD – DAY**

_A freshly acquired item takes up most of the backyard space: A HOT TUB, up and running even in winter. Kelso enjoys a good soak in the dub, while Eric, Hyde, and Jackie sit on the lawn bench._

**KELSO:**

Hey, I can't believe you guys aren't in Bob's hot tub. You know, I feel like Warren Beatty in a movie about a hot tub. He's, like, hot tubbin', then, like... other stuff happens.

**ERIC:**

Kelso, just so you know, Bob was in there an hour ago, so you are, like, covered in hot, bubbly Bob.

_Kelso considers for a moment, then shrugs, “I’m good with that.”_

_Donna comes out from the kitchen, freezes mid-step when she sees Jackie._

**DONNA** : 

Well, well. If it isn’t little miss junior prospector. Apparently my dad’s not good enough for your mom to dig her claws into, but it’s fine for her to leave her little cuckoo bird here to steal room and food.

**JACKIE** :

Look, Donna –

**DONNA** :

No, okay? You’re the one who’s been saying ever since your mom got back that she’s just here to find another free ride, and I’m not gonna let her do that to my dad. I just need to show him what a big mistake this is.

**KELSO** :

“Big mistake?” Bob is Bob, and he’s getting me-quality girls. He’s living life, Kelso style. How can you wanna take that away from your dad, Donna?

**ERIC** :

I’m with Kelso on this one. Bob needs to love that woman for all she’s worth.

**DONNA** :

Eric!

**ERIC** :

What, what are you gonna do, cut me off from sex again?

**DONNA** :

(to Jackie)

She’s making my dad take her out on all these expensive dates, they’re buying stupid crap like this hot tub - 

**KELSO** :

“Stupid?” There’s snow on the grown, and I’m, like, a million degrees in this thing. And with this euphoria jet, all of Fez’s “needs” problems are ancient history.

_Everyone but Kelso shivers a little at the thought._

**DONNA** :

(to Jackie)

Your mom’s doing everything you said she’d do, and she’s doing it to my dad, who’s never been anything but nice to you, and who took you in when your mom ran off and you had no place to go.

**JACKIE** :

(stands)

God, Donna, I am so sick of hearing about this! You know, I’m not any happier than you are that they’re together.

**DONNA** :

Then why are you sticking up for your mom all of a sudden?

**JACKIE** : 

I’m not sticking up for her, okay? It’s just... it’s just...

_She shifts on her feet, looks around; if she even knows or understands the real answer, she doesn’t want to say it._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

How can a beautiful woman like my mom be going out with a great, big mayonnaise lover like your dad? This morning, at breakfast, your dad burped right in front of my mom, and she laughed, Donna. Laughed! Okay, we’re Burkharts. We don’t burp, and we don’t tolerate people who do.

**DONNA** :

God, Jackie, you can be such an ungrateful little bitch.

_Jackie recoils at the words. Her eyes turn wet and glassy. She runs around the house and out of the yard._

**HYDE** :

Well, there goes the rest of my day. Way to go, Donna.

_He stands, starts to follow Jackie._

**KELSO:**

(to Hyde)

Hey, before you go, can you hand me my clothes? I’m all done peeing.

_He points to the shirt and pants folded by the base of the hot tub._

**HYDE:**

Kelso, are you naked?

**KELSO:**

(beat)

No. Eric, could you hand me my clothes, please?

**ERIC:**

(stands)

I'm sorry, buddy. I can't hear you over the hot tub. Did you hear him, Hyde?

**HYDE:**

I think so. I think he said to take his clothes and run away.

**ERIC:**

Oh!

_Hyde nabs Kelso’s clothes, and he and Eric take off around the house._

**KELSO:**

Guys - guys, come back!

_No good; he’s trapped in the tub._

**KELSO (cont’d):**

(to Donna)

Well, looks like I'm gonna have to be nude in front of you, and that's kind of awkward. So, I think you should nude up.

_Donna heads back inside._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY**

_Lunchtime. Red reads the newspaper at the kitchen table as Kitty prepares a plate for him and brings it over._

**KITTY:**

Okay, good news, Red. I made your favorite lunch - lasagna!

_She hands him the plate, he takes it._

**RED:**

Thanks.

**KITTY:**

“Thanks?” Aren't you excited? Let's hear that monitor!

**RED:**

So every time you do something nice for me, I'm supposed to have a heart attack?

**KITTY:**

Well, no, not an attack. Just a little episode.

(laughs)

I mean, what does it take to get that beeper going?

_Bob and Pam enter through the patio door._

**PAM:**

Hi, Red.

_Red’s heart monitor sounds off._

**RED:**

(to Kitty)

Wow, that must be the lasagna kicking in.

_He makes a show of taking a hearty bite._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – DAY**

_A short time later. Kitty sits in the middle of the couch, arms tightly crossed, while Red sits uncomfortably in his chair._

**RED:**

Hey, what do you say we have some more of that lasagna? Boy, was that delicious.

_Out of the corner of his mouth, he makes a beeping noise. He points to his heart monitor and pulls a “look at that!” face._

**KITTY:**

Oh, can it, Red. When Pam showed up, your heart monitor went off like a freaking slot machine.

**RED:**

Pam had nothing to do with that thing going off, dammit!

**KITTY:**

Oh, and look at us now. We're arguing. Can't even get a beep out of you.

_The kitchen door swings open. Kelso marches in, naked except for a garden hose wrapped around his naughty place._

**KELSO:**

Your son is a jerk.

_He heads up the stairs. Red and Kitty share a look; Red shrugs._

CUT TO:

**EXT. PINCIOTTI BACKYARD – DAY**

_Immediately following. Bob and Pam enjoy a nice soak. Red and Kitty come around the house, mid-argument._

**RED:**

Okay, come on. I am gonna prove to you that I am not attracted to Pam.

_They step up to the tub._

**PAM:**

Hey, guys.

_Red’s heart monitor goes off. Kitty looks up and glowers at Red._

**RED:**

(to Kitty)

I think I'm having a war flashback. I'm messed up, Kitty. I'm real messed up.

_He turns around and hurries out of the yard._

CUT TO:

**INT. HYDE’S BEDROOM – DAY**

_Hyde, sans shades, and Jackie lie in bed, the goose down duvet pulled around them. Jackie’s head rests against Hyde’s shoulders as he holds her and she holds SCHATZI._

**JACKIE:**

How could Donna say that I’m ungrateful? When I threw out all her old lumberjack shirts and replaced them with blouses and peplum tops last Christmas, I made sure all of them were in her giant size. And who keeps leaving business cards for real hair stylists on Bob’s car? That’s all me. Not Donna – me!

**HYDE** :

You did kind of go off on Bob and do a 180 about your mom once you found out they were dating.

**JACKIE** :

Steven, when a girlfriend is upset, it’s your job as the boyfriend to nod along and agree, not tell her the truth! Look, Donna doesn’t know my mom. It’s not her place to say those things. Of course, everyone can see how unnatural it is for someone like my mom to be with Bob. She’s rich and classy, and he’s all corny and cheesy. He’s like nachos.

**HYDE** :

Well, that explains how he scored your mom. She’ll touch anything from Mexico.

_Jackie gives him a halfhearted swat to the chest._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

Come on, Jackie. Donna’s just worried about her dad.

**JACKIE** :

Look, I know, okay? And she’s right. Well, probably right. It’s just... I don’t know. When I heard the things she was saying about my mom, I just... I felt like...

**HYDE** :

Like you had to stick up for her ‘cause she’s family, even if you should be helping out the other guy?

_He gives Jackie a knowing look. She reaches up, cups his cheek with her hand._

**JACKIE** :

Oh, Steven. You know, our moms are like miniskirts that look great on the mannequin, but as soon as you try them on, they’re totally trashy and ruin your whole image. But you can’t take a mom back to the store to trade in for something better in a designer brand.

_She turns her head into his shoulder, and Hyde pulls her in closer. He does his best to not pull away when Schatzi starts sniffing in his ear._

CUT TO:

**INT. HUB - DAY**

_A typical afternoon. Eric, Donna, and Fez have claimed the wall table, Eric and Donna in the booth seat and Fez across from them. Food baskets and soda bottles adorn the table._

**DONNA:**

(to Eric)

I cannot believe you think my dad should stay with Pam. She doesn't even like you. She told my dad you groped her at the party.  
  
 **ERIC:**

Okay, look, Donna, you and Pam obviously have some serious issues. I think you two should work them out with a good old-fashioned pillow fight.

_Donna swats his chest and rolls her eyes.  
  
_

**FEZ:**

What's the big deal? Bob and Pam are adults who want to do what comes naturally to everybody except me. So I say, why can't I get any?

**DONNA:**

(to Eric)

You know, Pam wants to be with my dad now, but what happens when someone else comes along? I wouldn't care so much if I could just, you know, test her with a hotter guy and see if she falls for him.

**ERIC:**

Because I love you, I'll do it.

_He starts to stand, but Donna pulls him back down._

**DONNA:**

No, it has to be someone her type. And, going off all her stories about her time in Mexico, she has a weakness for  
young, dark-skinned guys.

_She and Eric both look at Fez, who’s slow to realize he’s pulled attention._

**FEZ:**

(shrugs)

I guess I can ask around.

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY**

_Kitty is at the stove. She pulls out an angel cake and sets it on the stovetop as Red walks in from the living room._

**RED:**

Mmm, that smells delicious. What is it?

_Kitty refuses to look at them as she sprinkles sugar over the cake._

**KITTY:**

It's not for you. You can go look for scraps around the neighborhood like the rest of the dogs.

**RED:**

Kitty, for the last time, I am not attracted to Pam. In all the years we’ve been together, you know my heart has never raced at the sight of any woman but you.

**KITTY:**

Well, your cardiac jukebox there says otherwise!

**RED:**

(points at monitor)

I knew this damn thing wouldn’t work. I’m telling you, that floozy lush had nothing to do with it going off!

_The patio door opens, and Pam enters._

**PAM:**

Hi, Kitty. Hi, Red. I thought we'd come over and see if you two wanted to catch a movie.

_Red and Kitty look from Pam to the monitor and back to Pam. Red holds the monitor up to his ear to check the sound; nothing happens._

**PAM (cont’d):**

Why are you staring? Too pretty for Wisconsin? I get that a lot.

**KITTY:**

(to Red)

You shut it off, didn't you?

**RED:**

No, I did not shut it off!

_Bob enters._

**BOB:**

Let's hustle it up. I don't want to sit behind people with hats.

_The heart monitor goes off. Red shuts it off._

**RED:**

(to Kitty)

Ha! Look at that, nosey! It's not Pam. It's Bob, because he annoys me.

**BOB:**

That's true. I do.

**PAM:**

What are you guys talking about?

**KITTY:**

Um... (laughs)

(to Pam)

I, um... I-I-I sort of thought that Red had a crush on you.

**PAM:**

Oh, Kitty, I'm sorry. This face can bring as much trouble as it does joy.

**RED:**

Well, Kitty, what do you have to say for yourself?

**KITTY:**

It's the menopause. I'm messed up, Red. I'm real messed up.

_She hurries into the living room._

**BUMPER**

**EXT. PINCIOTTI BACKYARD – DAY**

_Some time later, post-movie. Fez, in an outfit straight from the tackiest of ‘70s pool boy pornos, sweeps the hot tub with a net. His ass is stuck out to pull focus, which it does when Pam steps out from the kitchen._

**PAM:**

Um, hello?

_Fez makes a dramatic turn to look at her._

**PAM (cont’d):**

What are you doing?

**FEZ:**

I was hired to clean the hot tub. But you should know that I perform... other services, too.

_He lowers one strap of his tank top. Ignoring that, Pam crosses to inspect the hot tub._

**PAM:**

Well, you could start by doing a better job. It's still dirty.

**FEZ:**

So, you like it dirty?

**PAM:**

No, I want it clean.

**FEZ:**

So, you like it filthy?

**PAM:**

Bob!

**FEZ:**

Whoa, I'm not into that!

_He throws up his hands as Pam shakes her head._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY**

_Eric and Donna are relaxing on the couch. Donna has a diving mask and snorkel in her hands that she fiddles with._

_Kelso comes running down the stairs wearing Eric’s clothes._

**KELSO:**

Hey, Eric, that was a good burn, stealing my clothes. But the laugh's on you, 'cause I borrowed your pants, and I'm not wearing any underwear.

_He makes a show of wiggling his butt around in Eric’s pants._

**ERIC:**

Kelso, just so you know, the last time I wore those pants, I wasn't wearing any underwear.

**KELSO:**

Ouch. Well played.

_He gives Eric a nod, then crosses to sit on the dryer._

_The basement door opens. A frowning Bob enters, holding Fez by the back of the neck._

**BOB:**

(to Donna)

Did you tell Fez to make a move on Pam? 'Cause if you didn't, I'm gonna box him up and send him back to banana town.

**FEZ:**

(to Bob)

Okay, I'm sick of those comments. I don't say I'm gonna send you back to polyester town.

_Donna stands, crosses to Bob. At the same time, Jackie and Hyde enter from Hyde’s room. Jackie beats Donna over to Bob._

**JACKIE:**

Mr. Pinciotti, good, I thought that was you. Look, you need to break up with my mom. You’re too good for her.

**DONNA:**

Oh, here we go. You know, you’ve got some nerve, Burkhart – wait, what?

**BOB:**

What?

**ERIC/KELSO/FEZ:**

What?

**JACKIE:**

Mr. Pinciotti, you’re a wonderful guy with a huge heart. You’re like a cute, fuzzy, slightly gassy panda bear. And my mom is a beautiful blonde tiger who goes around looking for panda bears to rip open to get at the money inside.

**FEZ:**

Wait, I’m confused. Is Bob a panda bear or a _pinata_?

(Gasps)

Or a panda pinata!

(to the guys)

If you bastards don’t have a panda _pinata_ for my birthday, there will be no cake for any of you!

**JACKIE:**

(to Bob)

I’ve said some awful things about you over the last few days, and I know I haven’t always been as grateful as I should be, but I really appreciate all you’ve done since my mom left me. And I know my mom, and I don’t want to see her hurt you like she hurt me. And I know Donna feels the same way.

**DONNA:**

Thank you, Jackie. And I’m sorry.

_She puts an arm around Jackie’s shoulders._

**DONNA (cont’d):**

And Dad, I’m sorry about Fez, but it was the only thing I could think of to prove that Pam doesn’t... you know, really care about you.

**BOB:**

Well, guess what? She does really care about me, so I don’t want any more of these little games.

(to Jackie)

Now, Jackie, I appreciate your concern, and I’m sorry you feel that way about your mom, but she and I make each other happy. You and Donna better accept it soon, 'cause she's here to stay.

**JACKIE:**

But Mr. Pinciotti –

**BOB:**

I’m sorry, but I don’t wanna talk about it anymore. This is the way it’s gonna be. In fact – Pam and me talked after the movies, and she’s moving in.

**JACKIE:**

Wait, what?

**DONNA:**

What?

**ERIC/HYDE/KELSO/FEZ:**

What?

**JACKIE:**

No, no, no. Mr. Pinciotti, my mom can’t move in with us.

**BOB:**

She can and she is. End of discussion.

**JACKIE:**

No, because... because if my mom’s moving in, then I’m moving out.

_She gets out from under Donna’s arm and runs back into Hyde’s room._

_Hyde takes the snorkel mask from Donna._

**HYDE:**

I’m gonna need this.

(to Bob, doing Bob)

“Way to go there, Bob.”

_Shaking his head, he goes back to his room._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**CREDITS**

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT**

_Much later, well into night. Hyde and Jackie sit together on the couch, Jackie holding Schatzi._

**HYDE** :

(to Jackie)

Roy said you can get a room at the hotel where we work, but it’ll be a few days before you can move in. You sure you wanna do this?

**JACKIE** :

I’m sure, Steven. I can’t be under the same roof as my mom right now.

_She leans into Hyde, who puts an arm around her shoulders._

_They both look up to the ceiling as a faint beeping sound echoes down from upstairs._

**JACKIE** :

What’s that noise?

**HYDE** :

It’s Red’s heart monitor.

**JACKIE** :

Where’s Mrs. Forman?

**HYDE** :

She’s with him.

_The thought hits them both at the same time._ _Jackie screams, drops Schatzi onto the seat next to her, and clings to Hyde. He pats her arm even as he looks up again and snickers._

**END.**


	31. J/H 6-18: Substitute

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of all the Pam Burkhart episodes, this was probably the most fun to rewrite. Jackie moving into the hotel is an idea I'm pretty happy with, and the rewrites here meant reducing Mitch's part, which was great (Pam isn't a great character, but she's largely innocuous; I can't stand Mitch in these episodes.)
> 
> We're assuming that episode order shifts around a little here; "Substitute" is now 6-18. We assume that 6-17, "Happy Jack," plays out as we know it.

**SHOW TITLE**

**INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY**

_A simple hotel room at the Point Place Hotel: bed, bath, a crappy black-and-white TV. But this basic layout has brightly colored pillows and glittery framed portraits to jazz it up. JACKIE goes around the room, adjusting her things on the bed and dresser._

_DONNA enters, a box full of stuffed unicorns in her arms._

**DONNA** :

Here you go: one box worth of unicorns. Which leaves three boxes worth still in my room.

**JACKIE** :

Yeah, I don’t have space for everything here. But, this way, you won’t have to miss me. Every morning, when you wake up, those happy unicorn faces will be a little piece of Jackie to brighten up your day.

_Donna laughs as she sets down the box._

**DONNA:**

You know, Jackie, I am gonna miss you. Since you’ve started living with us, my dad’s finally had someone to watch _The Love Boat_ with. Are you sure you won’t change your mind?

**JACKIE** :

I’m sure, Donna. When my mom came back, I stayed with you and your dad because I couldn’t go back to living with her. If she’s still moving into your house, then I can’t be there.

_Donna opens her arms, and Jackie steps in for a big hug._

**DONNA** :

Okay, I’m gonna go. We’ll hold on to the rest of your stuff.

**JACKIE** :

Just don’t lose any of it inside your giant shoes.

_They both smile, and Donna exits._

_She’s no sooner gone than HYDE enters, three keys in his hand. He presents them to Jackie._

**HYDE** :

Okay, Jackie. Here’s your room key, the kitchen key if you ever need me, and the master key. Gets you in to all the closets, cabinets – basically all the towels, soaps, and booze you could want.

**JACKIE** :

Guests aren’t supposed to have this.

**HYDE** :

(shrugs)

Neither are kitchen staff.

_Jackie nods, “a-ha,” and puts the keys away._

**HYDE** :

Hey, so, Forman’s taking the guys mini golfing. You wanna come?

**JACKIE** :

No. I just want to lie down for a while.

**HYDE** :

Okay.

_He kisses her forehead._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

I’ll check in on you when I come back for my shift. I’ll make dinner.

**JACKIE** :

Hey, I hadn’t thought of that - with you working here, it’s like I have my own personal valet. Will you bring me breakfast in bed every morning for room service?

**HYDE** :

No.

**JACKIE** :

Will you bring me fresh towels and make the bed every day?

**HYDE** :

No.

**JACKIE** :

(beat)

Will you be late to mini golf and help me “break in” the bed?

**HYDE** :

Anything to make your stay more comfortable.

_They both smile and step into a kiss. Jackie puts her arms around Hyde’s neck and pulls him down on top of her on the bed._

**MAIN CREDITS**

**BUMPER**

**EXT. GOLFCOURSE – DAY**

_The Point Place mini golf course, with all the charmingly tacky landmarks you’d expect of a small-town setup like this. ERIC, FEZ, and KELSO watch as a YOUNG BOY putts his ball into the windmill and sinks it. The guys give a quiet golf clap. Once the boy runs off, Fez moves into position to take his shot._

_Hyde walks up between Eric and Kelso. His walk is just a little awkward and bow-legged._

**HYDE** :

Hey. Sorry I’m late.

**ERIC** :

Oh, did moving Jackie into the hotel take more time than you thought?

**HYDE** :

No, we were done with that a while ago.

**ERIC** :

(shrugs)

Man, she must really be upset at her mom. I mean, I don’t think Pam’s even moved in with Bob yet.

**KELSO:**

She hasn’t. On my weekends home from the police academy, I’ve been staking out all your houses for surveillance practice. Pam’s still not camping at the Pinciotti’s. But she and Bob are really getting Bob’s money’s worth out of that hot tub.

**FEZ** :

FORE!

_He takes, not a gentle put, but a full-on swing._

**ERIC:**

WHOA!

_Fez’s ball goes sailing over the course and out towards the parking lot._

**HYDE** :

Watch out!

**ERIC:**

Parking lot!

_Glass shatters. Fez, Eric, and Hyde all wince._

**KELSO** :

Eh, it was just a Pinto.

_Eric and Hyde round on Fez._

**HYDE** :

Fez, this is putt-putt. Your choices are putt or putt.

_Before Fez can respond, a short – very short – figure steps out from behind the nearby counter – MITCH, in the silliest of golf hats._

**MITCH** :

Hey, what the hell?

(sees Eric)

Oh, Forman. I should’ve known it was you guys. Most people who come here can’t hit the ball that hard on account of they’re in kindergarten.

**ERIC** :

Mitch. Congratulations. This seems like the perfect job for someone your size, what with the free lodging in the little castle at hole six.

**MITCH** :

Yeah, there’s just enough room in there for me and your mom.

_The guy all “ooh.”_

**KELSO** :

(to Eric)

Yeah, the sweetest burns involve doing it with your mom.

**MITCH:**

Look, just quit hitting the ball that hard, or you guys are out of here.

_He pokes at Eric’s chest and goes back to the counter._

**ERIC** :

God, I hate that guy. Tear him a new hole in one.

**HYDE** :

Wow, Forman. Haven’t seen you this pissed since I chased you around your house with that spider in a jar. You were, like -

(doing Eric)

“Hyde, I swear to God!”

(normal voice)

But you never did anything.

**ERIC** :

Yeah? Well, I’m about to do something.

_He tees up for his shot and, like Fez, gives a full swing. His ball shoots up, ricochets off the windmill, and flies over to the counter, where Mitch is on the phone. The ball beans him in the head. Mitch drops the phone and drops like a rock. The guys drop their clubs and rush over._

**BUMPER**

**INT. HOTEL HALL – DAY**

_Later in the afternoon. A row of doors. From one, ROY stumbles out, a woman’s kimono clutched in his hands. The door slams shut behind him._

_Roy clutches at the kimono and stares blankly at the door. He doesn’t notice Jackie come up behind him until she taps him on the shoulder._

**JACKIE** :

Hey, Roy.

**ROY:**

Oh, hey, Jackie. How’re you liking the hotel?

**JACKIE** :

Well, it’s nice to have a maid again. And she has a bigger moustache than my dad, just like our maid back home.

(nods to kimono)

Whatcha got there?

**ROY** :

Oh, you know we’re having that Japanese cultural festival in the hotel this week? Yeah, there’s these dancers who put on a show. They wear these kimonos.

**JACKIE** :

Oh, was that one lost?

**ROY** :

No, I was in their room when they came in, so I hid in the closet. They threw me out.

_He looks down at his feet, unable to meet Jackie’s raised, condescending brows._

_An extremely hairy man in a flowered sundress and a hand fan comes up the hall, behind Jackie and Roy. They are slow to turn and notice him, but when they do, Jackie’s eyes bulge out and she takes a step back. Roy takes the sight in stride._

**ROY (cont’d)** :

Oh, hey, Frank.

_FRANK snaps his fan shut and shakes it at Roy._

**FRANK** :

I’ve told you – when I’m here in my gown, you call me Lady Laguna!

**JACKIE** :

(scoffs)

You call that a gown?

_Frank’s glare snaps her way. Jackie inches toward Roy, who holds the kimono out between them and Frank like a shield._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

Whatever the lady says.

_Frank gives her a brusque nod. He proceeds down the hall, his head turned to watch Jackie and Roy the entire time._

**BUMPER**

_MUSIC NOTE: “Stuck in the Middle with You” by Stealers Wheel._

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY**

_For once, the basement is empty. Magazines, comics, and a Millennium Falcon-shaped carrying case full of action figures cover the coffee table. Not that the basement stays empty: Kelso opens the door and leads in Hyde and Eric, supporting Mitch between them. Fez brings up the rear. Mitch has a large bandage covering his forehead._

_The guys see Mitch over to the couch, where they set him down in the center seat. Eric sits to his right as Hyde crosses to his chair, Fez sits in the lawn chair, and Kelso sits on Mitch’s left._

**ERIC** :

Mitch, I am so sorry. The doctor said it was only a mild concussion, so...

**MITCH** :

What? I’ve lost the ability to process language, on account of _I have a concussion_!

(sighs)

Forman, why are we always fighting? I can’t even remember how we got this way.

**KELSO** :

I’ve had chicks say that to me.

**FEZ** :

No. That was me.

_Kelso and Fez share an awkward look._

**MITCH** :

(to Eric)

Don’t you think that we should be friends? I mean, we’re pretty much the same guy. We’re into all the same stuff – Spider-Man, Batman, _Famous Monsters of Filmland_...

(sees _Star Wars_ toys)

And _Star Wars_! Look at this!

_He picks up the Darth Vader figure from the case._

**MITCH (cont’d):**

I can’t believe you got a hold of the Darth Vader with the green lightsaber! _Pew! Pew! Pew!_

_He starts swinging the doll around as he makes the noise. Eric shakes his head and takes the doll from him._

**ERIC** :

What? No, no. It’s –

_He proceeds to make more accurate, and more nerdy, lightsaber sound effects._

**ERIC** :

(to Hyde)

What a geek.

**FEZ** :

(to Kelso)

They look happy. Why don’t we have a game?

**KELSO** :

Man, you are always on about that these days. “Why don’t we have a song? Why don’t we have a movie?”

**FEZ** :

If you gave me an answer, maybe I wouldn’t always be on about it.

**KELSO** :

Look, can we not do this when we have company over? We’ll talk about it later.

**FEZ** :

Oh, sure. Later, later, always later, but later never comes!

_They both snap their heads away from each other. Eric, Mitch, and Hyde take a moment to stare at them before going back to their business._

**MITCH** :

Come on, Eric. Let’s hang out.

**ERIC** :

Okay, well... you’re obviously having some kind of reaction to your medications. Why don’t you just give your dad a call, get a ride home.

_He indicates the phone. Mitch looks down, puts a finger to his bandage, and pokes at it repeatedly._

**MITCH** : 

_(on each poke)_

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

_Eric heaves a deep sigh, rolls his eyes, and hands Darth Vader back to Mitch._

**ERIC** : 

You can be Darth Vader. Just don’t wreck the lightsaber.

**MITCH** :

Really? Thanks!

_He starts swinging Darth Vader around again, with inaccurate sound effects._

**HYDE** :

Uh, Forman?

_Hyde stands, takes Eric by the arm, and pulls him to the deep freeze._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

(hushed)

Man, what the hell are you thinking? We’ve already got a weak, squeaky nerd-boy hanging around here – _you_. And Mitch doesn’t have any of your better qualities, like a house I can live in. I mean, look at him.

_He points over to Mitch, who is pointing to Kelso. More specifically, he’s leaning into Kelso, his finger hovering just barely away from Kelso’s temple._

**KELSO** :

What are you doing?

**MITCH** :

I’m not touching you.

**KELSO** :

Stop it.

**MITCH** :

But I’m not touching you.

**KELSO** :

Stop not touching me!

**MITCH** :

Okay.

_He gives Kelso a sharp poke to the temple._

**MITCH (cont’d)** :

(laughs)

Wasn’t it better when I wasn’t touching you?

**KELSO** :

(laughs)

Yeah.

_Mitch puts his finger back up, and Kelso does the same to him. Eric looks back to Hyde._

**ERIC** : 

Look, Mitch knows I’m just being nice, okay? This can’t last more than a few days, tops. And, I mean, what’s the worst that can happen?

_The basement door opens, and Donna enters._

**MITCH** :

(to Donna)

Oh, wow! You are gorgeous! You’re the hottest redhead since Batgirl! And you’re not just gorgeous – I mean, you radiate intelligence and deep thought. A real sense of self.

**DONNA** :

Eric, I like your new friend.

_She smiles at a beaming Mitch as Eric and Hyde share a look._

**BUMPER**

**INT. HOTEL – NIGHT**

_The hotel ballroom. It is filled with booths, stands, tables, and small stages, all for the Japanese cultural festival, which has drawn a healthy nighttime crowd. At a makeshift Japanese steakhouse grill, the chef performs for the gathered crowd, slicing and preparing fish with an elaborate display of cutting and knife throwing._

_Jackie sits at the bar watching. She is wearing a dark floral kimono, with her hair in a French twist style held with chopsticks. Hyde, in his chef’s jacket, comes up behind her._

**HYDE** :

Oh, I could get used to this look.

_Jackie turns around, stands._

**JACKIE:**

Oh, there you are.

_She kisses him._

**HYDE** :

How’s it going?

**JACKIE** :

Well, I was yelled at by Lady Laguna, the concierge keeps inviting me to the “private suite” under his desk, and Roy’s offered me a charming look at what Fez will be like in 20 years.

**HYDE** :

Now, Jackie, that’s not fair. Fez has actually had a girlfriend.

_Jackie considers that, shrugs._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

Look, man, if this isn’t working out, then maybe you can move back with –

**JACKIE** :

No, no – I’m fine.

(sighs)

Can we just go back to my room and have some dinner?

**HYDE** :

Sure. Hope you don’t mind salad and burgers. Roy didn’t shut the freezer all the way when he went in there to cry, so the ground beef’s about the only thing left that’s not a 50/50 risk of salmonella.

_They hold hands and start to head for the exit when they bump into another couple – RED and KITTY. And BOB is with them too._

**JACKIE** :

Oh! Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Forman. Hi, Mr. Pinciotti.

**KITTY** :

Well, hello, Jackie.

**BOB** :

Hi there, Jackie. Isn’t this festival great?

(points to grill)

I love this one. It’s not just dinner. It’s a thrill ride, ‘cause there’s a small chance you’re getting knifed.

**RED** :

I don’t know, Bob. I’ve tried to avoid Asians with weapons ever since 7,000 of them tried to kill me.

**KITTY** :

(laughs)

Well, it’s thanks to the work of brave men like you that America’s enemies are now performing at a tiny local festival in a two-star hotel.

**JACKIE** :

What are you all doing here?

**BOB** :

Pammy thought it’d make a good double date.

**JACKIE** :

Wait, my mom’s here?

**BOB** :

Yep. She’s just freshening up.

**JACKIE** :

(to Hyde)

My room, Steven. Now.

_She lets Hyde lead her by the hand around the adults. Bob starts after them._

**BOB** :

Come on, Jackie. Give your mom a chance. I think she really wanted to come here so she could see you.

_Jackie pulls Hyde to a stop, rounds on Bob._

**JACKIE** :

Well, I don’t want to see her, so you can stop trying to help her get to me.

**BOB:**

I just don’t like seeing you two not get along. And your mom’s been such a peach since we got together. I wanna help you two out.

**JACKIE** :

Well, she doesn’t deserve it! Steven, is there another way out of here? A back door or a secret bookcase passage?

**HYDE** :

Okay, someone’s had a relapse on Nancy Drew.

_Nevertheless, he takes her away from the main entrance to a small door in the far corner._

**JACKIE** :

God, I can’t believe Bob! Why can’t he just accept that I don’t want to see my...

_Hyde opens the door to:_

**INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT**

_A small hallway connecting just two doors, a staff passageway. Inside, Jackie and Hyde find two people making out – PAM and a Japanese man dressed for the grill._

**JACKIE** :

MOM?

_Pam breaks away from her partner, breathless._

**PAM** :

Oh, Jackie, there you are. Meet Hirohito.

_HIROHITO smiles and waves. Jackie, eyes wide, rounds on Hyde._

**JACKIE:**

What is it with this hotel and cheating?

_Hyde shifts on his feet as Jackie turns back to her mom, gaping._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

**INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT**

_Right where we left off. As Hyde and Hirohito stand uncomfortably by, Jackie advances on Pam._

**JACKIE:**

Mom, what are you doing? You’re supposed to be here with Bob.

**PAM** :

Oh, you ran into Bob. Isn’t he just a doll, bringing me here? Who would’ve thought a man with such bad dress sense could be so sweet?

**JACKIE** :

Yeah, Bob is sweet. And you’re cheating on him! With some cook at a crappy hotel!

_She can feel Hyde’s eyes on the back of her neck. She steps back to him and puts a hand on his chest._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

Which can be a good thing, if he's got the right combination of looks and brains to make up for it, and if you’re _not with someone else_.

**PAM** :

Oh, honey, don’t be silly. Hirohito’s only here for the festival. His day job is as a Lincoln dealer.

**HIROHITO** :

34th and Donegal.

**JACKIE** :

(gasps)

Lincolns? Could you get a deal on a pink – no, no!

(to Pam)

Mom, how can you do this to Bob? He really likes you, and he’s done nothing but stick up for you since you came back to town.

**PAM:**

Oh, Bob will be fine.

**JACKIE** :

No, he won’t! Bob’s had a horrible time with break-ups before, but he’s never had anyone cheat on him. How can you do this when you’re moving in together?

**PAM** :

Well... Jackie, the truth is, when you wouldn’t speak to me after I came back, when Bob asked me out, it seemed like the only way I could see you. And when he asked me to move in, I thought it was a way you and I could be together. But now that you’ve moved out... did I mention Hirohito has a summer home back east?

**HIROHITO** :

Cape Cod.

**JACKIE** :

(to Pam)

So you just used Bob to try and get to me? Mom, you can’t just throw your looks at some guy and use him to get whatever you want. I’ve learned the world doesn’t work like that.

**PAM** :

Oh, I knew I shouldn’t have sent you to public school.

**JACKIE** :

Just think, Mom. What if it had worked? You and me would be back home, or living with this Hirohito guy, but what happens when someone else comes along who’s richer? Or what happens when you get another chance to run off to Mexico, or Paris, or Milan?

**HIROHITO** :

Kyoto is lovely this time of year, too.

_Everyone turns to glare at him._

**HIROHITO (cont’d)** :

But, carry on.

**JACKIE** :

(to Pam)

Mom, all this does is show me that you’re still running from one place to another, looking for something better instead of just being happy with what you have. That’s why you left after Daddy went to prison, and it’s why I haven’t wanted to see you. And why I still don’t.

_She passes Pam and Hirohito and runs out the other end of the hallway. Pam shifts on her feet, Hirohito scratches at the back of his neck._

_Hyde takes a step toward them._

**HYDE** :

(to Hirohito)

Hey, if the Lincoln thing doesn’t work out, this crappy hotel does actually need a cook for weekend shifts. Just one thing –

(points to Pam)

No dogs allowed in the kitchen.

_He passes them and follows after Jackie._

**BUMPER**

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY**

_The next morning. The Toyota rests in the driveway, the hood popped. Eric holds a flashlight for Red as he works on the engine. Kitty is in the Toyota, behind the wheel._

**RED** :

(to Eric)

I just think it’s pretty suspicious that after we left the Japanese festival, our Japanese car broke down.

_Eric’s chance to throw some snark at that xenophobia is cut short when Mitch strolls up the driveway._

**MITCH** :

(to Eric)

Hey, buddy.

_Kitty steps out of the car to take a look at Eric’s new friend. Mitch makes a show of reacting to her._

**MITCH (cont’d)** :

Whoa, Eric, you didn’t tell me you had an older sister.

**ERIC** :

Oh, please. If you’re gonna go with fake charm, let’s keep it in the realm of reality, okay?

**KITTY** :

Oh, you shut your porky mouth. I have the skin of a 25-year old. Who smokes.

_Mitch turns to Red, polishing a nut._

**MITCH** :

You know, Mr. Forman, I learned a little about cars from my uncle who used to fix tanks in Vietnam. Now that’s hero’s work, fixing machines that kill people you don’t agree with. My only regret is that I haven’t yet had a chance to fight for my country.

**RED** :

Really? Eric’s only regret is that he doesn’t live in space.

**ERIC** :

That’s not my only regret. It’s just one of them.

_He goes back to holding the flashlight, only now, it’s for Mitch._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY**

_A truncated gathering. Kelso leans on the deep freeze, nursing a popsicle, Donna sits in Hyde’s chair, Eric on the back of one end of the couch, Mitch in the seat on the other end, and Fez in the lawn chair. “My Best Friend’s Girl” by the Cars plays on the radio._

_Fez, Kelso, and especially Eric wear long faces as Donna humors Mitch’s nerdy babble._

**MITCH** :

So I’m at this garage sale, and I look down, and there they were – Godzilla, Mothra, and Rodan, all in mint condition! It was the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen.

(to Donna)

At least until I met you.

_Donna giggles, runs a hand through her hair. Eric climbs down from the back of the couch and stands over Mitch._

**ERIC** :

Okay, Mitch. Don’t you have something you need to do?

**MITCH** :

You know, you’re right. I almost forgot. I said I’d make omelets for everyone!

(points to Kelso)

Onions...

(points to Fez)

Peppers...

(points to Donna)

And only the most succulent of honey-glazed ham for a honey-red honey.

**ERIC** :

Okay, “honey-red?” That’s not even a thing!

_Donna giggles, nudges Eric with her foot._

**DONNA** :

That sounds great, Mitch.

_Kelso and Fez nod their approval. Mitch nods back, heads up the stairs._

_Eric sits down in the couch seat closest to Donna._

**ERIC** :

Donna, why do you keep encouraging Mitch?

**DONNA** :

Eric, it’s no big deal.

**ERIC** :

Yes, it is. Look, he already likes everything I like, he’s buttering up my parents, now he’s making moves on you... it’s like _Invasion of the Body Snatchers_ if the pod people were all leprechauns.

_Kelso crosses to the other end of the couch, near Fez, and sits down._

**FEZ** :

Okay, Kelso. I have a game we can have. Truth or Dare?

**KELSO** :

(rolls eyes)

All right, fine. Truth.

**FEZ** :

Have you ever snuck into Donna’s bathroom when she was showering?

_Eric and Donna look over at Kelso. He shifts in his seat._

**KELSO** :

(to Fez)

I mean, dare.

**FEZ** :

Oh, come on, out with the truth! I know you’ve snuck in there. I was there, and I saw you!

_Donna and Eric, and Kelso, look to him, as Mitch comes down the stairs with two plates in hand._

**FEZ** :

I mean, dare, yes. Dare.

**MITCH** :

Oh, are you guys playing Truth or Dare? I’m in.

_He passes the plates in his hands to Kelso and Donna, then takes a seat in the hoppity hop._

**MITCH (cont’d)** :

Okay, Mitch – truth or dare? Um, I pick dare, Mitch. Okay, Mitch. I dare you to kiss Donna.

(gasps)

Mitch! Naughty Mitch.

**DONNA** :

(laughing)

Mitch, you goofball, that’s not how it works. It’d have to be, like, “I dare you to kiss me.”

**MITCH** :

(shrugs)

Okay.

_He leaps from the hoppity hop onto Donna with a massive kiss._

**ERIC** :

What the hell?

**KELSO** :

(laughs)

He did it!

**FEZ** :

Look at him go! He’s like a hummingbird!

_Donna pushes Mitch off her, helped by Eric pulling him off._

**ERIC** :

Mitch, I can’t believe you! You just flew at her like one of the little monkeys from _The Wizard of Oz!_

**DONNA** : 

Eric, relax. He was just fooling around. He didn’t mean anything by it.

**MITCH** :

Yeah, Eric. What’s a little fooling around among friends?

(to Donna)

Wait, what was that second thing you said?

**ERIC** :

(to Mitch)

We’re not friends, man! We never were! I only let you hang out here because I felt bad for you, but guess what? I don’t like you! And neither does anyone else!

**MITCH** :

(beat)

Fine. I won’t bother you guys anymore.

_Head bowed, he makes his way to the basement door. He exits, then immediately sticks his head back in._

**MITCH (cont’d)** :

Somebody needs to check Fez’s omelet in about three minutes!

_He exits again._

_Eric sighs, sits back down. The others all eye him carefully; they don’t often see that kind of outburst from him._

**KELSO** :

Well, that was brutal.

**DONNA:**

Yeah. Nice going, Eric.

**ERIC:**

What? Donna, he just mauled you like a miniature French cat.

**DONNA:**

Yeah, well... he worshipped me, okay? I always thought Jackie was ridiculous for falling for stuff like that, but I swear, I thought Mitch was gonna light a fire and dance around me!

**KELSO:**

Yeah, I feel bad for the little guy. I just wanna put him up on my shoulders and buy him a balloon.

(to Fez)

So, Fez – what if I dared _you_ to kiss Donna?

_Fez sits up, intrigued. Donna rolls her eyes._

**BUMPER**

**INT. HOTEL – DAY**

_Day 2 of the Japanese cultural festival. A thinner crowd in the daytime. Jackie walks the floor in her regular clothes. She finds Roy doing the same thing, clipboard in hand._

**JACKIE** :

Hi, Roy. So, any more luck with the Japanese dancers?

**ROY** :

I think so. One of them came to see me in the kitchen this morning. She was screaming, “give me back my kimono,” but...

_He trails off, shrugs. Jackie gives him an indulgent nod and continues on her way._

_She passes by the Japanese steakhouse set-up, where Hirohito is working the grill. Pam and Bob are at the bar. Before they can see her, Jackie ducks behind a nearby dragon figure flanking another booth. But she is still within range to hear._

**PAM** :

I’m sorry, Bob.

**BOB** :

Hey, when things got tough between Midge and me, we did all sorts of crazy things to stay close to Donna. Although talking it over while the guy you were seeing behind my back makes our food – that’s a new one.

**HIROHITO** :

And still, you tipped. Thank you.

_He gives Bob a slight bow, and Bob gives a wave back. Pam smiles, rubs Bob’s back._

**PAM** :

You know, Bob, you aren’t the smoothest or the classiest guy I’ve ever dated, but you are the sweetest.

(sighs)

You know, for the first time in my life, I feel like I need to do some work on myself. Not on the outside, obviously, because – well, come on. But on the inside.

(takes Bob’s hand)

And I could use some help.

**BOB** :

Sure.

_He leans in, kisses her cheek._

**BOB (cont’d)** :

You wanna try seeing Jackie again?

**PAM** :

(beat)

No. No, I think she needs her space. And she needs to see that I’ve made some changes. She deserves to see that. And I’d better start making them.

**BOB** :

Okay.

_They stand, link arms, and start to walk away._

**PAM** :

Now, for change number one – how attached are you to those zebra rings?

_That conversation continues as they exit the ballroom._

_Jackie steps out from behind the dragon and looks after them. She cups a hand over her mouth as the other goes over her heart._

_Hyde, in his chef’s jacket, comes up behind her._

**HYDE** :

Hey.

_She turns around to him, her eyes slightly wet._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

Everything okay?

**JACKIE** :

Yeah, yeah.

_She hugs him around the waist. He hugs her back._

**JACKIE (cont’d):**

Um, Steven? Do you have your master key on you?

**HYDE** :

No...

**JACKIE** :

Well, I’ve got mine, so where’s the nearest closet?

_Hyde smiles at her. He takes her hand and leads her toward the corner door._

**BUMPER**

**EXT. GOLFCOURSE – NIGHT**

_Mini golf, after hours. Mitch, alone, oils the windmill. Eric slowly comes up behind him._

**ERIC** :

Hey, Mitch. Look, I – I wanted to apologize.

**MITCH** :

That’s okay. I guess I was out of line too. I shouldn’t have jumped on your girlfriend. In front of you. It’s just – you have such a great life. And if I never see you or your friends ever again, I’m always gonna treasure that time that I spent with Donna.

**ERIC** :

Okay, well... then I’ll just say goodbye.

_Eric turns to leave. He makes it about three steps before Mitch heaves a heavy sigh, stopping Eric in his tracks._

**MITCH** :

So lonely...

_Eric wrestles with the air, screws up his face – and caves._

**ERIC** :

Hey, Mitch, uh... you know, if you ever wanna hang out, you know, you’re always... you know.

_In a flash, Mitch is at his side._

**MITCH:**

Great, thanks!

**ERIC** :

Oh, are we gonna do this now?

**MITCH** :

Yeah, buddy, let’s do it!

**ERIC** :

(beat)

Okay.

**MITCH** :

All right. Hey, so – do you think I might have a shot with Donna?

**ERIC** :

Mitch, she’s my fiancée.

**MITCH** :

So that’s a maybe!

_He walks off, hands in the air. Eric drags his own hands down his face as he considers what he’s locked himself into for the foreseeable future._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**CREDITS**

**INT. HOTEL – NIGHT**

_The ballroom, the festival still under way. Roy approaches the corner door and opens it. He finds Jackie and Hyde in the midst of a furious make-out session. They stop and freeze when Roy sees them._

**ROY** :

Are you allowed to do that in here?

**JACKIE** :

(beat)

Are you allowed to ransom a dancer’s kimono for a date?

_Roy considers that for a moment. He studies Jackie’s face carefully; she’s ready to play hard ball on this._

**ROY** :

I was never here.

_Jackie and Hyde nod. They go back to making out, Roy shuts the door, and continues on his way._

**END.**


	32. J/H 6-19: Squeeze Box

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode order continues to shift; "Squeeze Box" is now 6-19.

**SHOW TITLE**

**INT. THEATER – DAY**

_A date at the movies. With a slight crowd before and behind them, ERIC and DONNA slide down an empty middle aisle, into the middle seats. Donna carries a bag of popcorn._

**DONNA:**

You know, before we decided not to have sex –

**ERIC:**

You decided. I'm ready.

**DONNA:**

Right, I decided - movies were just a dark place to fool around before we went home and did it, but now we can really watch the movie. Isn't that great?

**ERIC:**

It's fabulous. I mean, there's nothing I hate more than the feeling that I'm about to have sex.

_In the aisle behind them, a blonde – let’s call her SLURPEE – slides down, stops when she sees Eric._

**SLURPEE:**

Hi!

_Eric turns around, sees her._

**ERIC:**

Hi. Hey. Hi!

**SLURPEE:**

(beat)

Okay!

_She continues on her way._

**DONNA:**

(to Eric)

Isn't that the girl who sells slurpees? Why’s she saying "hi" to you?

**ERIC:**

I don't know. It's weird. I've never talked to her before. I mean, maybe one time I said, "you're out of spoon straws," but that's it.

_The lights dim. The film begins. Donna, attentive to the screen, begins munching on popcorn; Eric mopes._

**ERIC (v.o.):**

(thoughts)

 _Great. Now I have to sit through_ Kramer vs. Kramer _again with no shot at nookie. First time we saw it, I said, "you know, dads can be good parents, too," and Donna's shirt just floated off._

**DONNA (v.o.):**

(thoughts)

_What is wrong with me? A boy's gonna lose his mother, and all I can think about is fooling around. I am such a dirty girl. I should be spanked. Ooh, stop it!_

**ERIC (v.o.):**

(thoughts)

_Screw it. Sneak attack is my only hope. I'm gonna go with the yawn and grab. Watch out for my hand, pretty mamma, 'cause I'm not really tired._

_Eric fakes a yawn and reaches a hand around the back of Donna’s seat._

**DONNA (v.o.):**

(thoughts)

_Oh, God. It’s the yawn and grab. How do I stop it?_

_As Eric’s hand reaches down for a squeeze, Donna tips the tub of popcorn over. Popcorn spills all over Eric’s lap._

**DONNA:**

Oops! Oh, sorry.

**ERIC:**

Oh, come on. It's okay.

_He brushes off most of the popcorn and turns back to the movie._

**ERIC (v.o.):**

(thoughts)

_Great. Now my lap's covered in hot buttered popcorn. That's the most action I've gotten in weeks._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY**

_A sunny day. A lazy day. HYDE reads a newspaper as he eats a sandwich at the kitchen table while RED rummages through the fridge. KITTY enters through the patio door._

**KITTY** :

Well, it’s official: Pam’s moving in with Bob. You know, I can’t believe that woman. She’s forcing poor Fez and Michael to carry in box after box loaded with her clothes and undergarments. I don’t even think she’s paying them.

**HYDE** :

No, but I’m pretty sure they’ll help themselves to a few souvenirs.

_Kitty shrugs, exits into the living room. Red, beer in hand, crosses to the kitchen table and sits._

**RED:**

You know, I bet you, with all the new crap that’s gonna be cluttering up that house, this is just the excuse Bob needs to “forget” where he put that toolkit I loaned him last week.

**HYDE** :

Why don’t you just go get it now?

**RED** :

I could do that... but why should I when I have you?

**HYDE** :

But I don’t want to go get it.

**RED:**

And I don’t want people your age in my house. But you are your age, and this is _my_ house.

_He gives Hyde an ugly grin._

CUT TO:

**INT. HALLWAY – DAY**

_The upstairs hall of the Pinciotti home. BOB, boxes in hand, strolls down one end of the hall just as Hyde comes around the other._

**HYDE** :

Hey, Bob. Red sent me to get his toolkit.

**BOB** :

Oh, sure thing, Steven.

(nods to nearest door)

Middle shelf on the bedroom bookcase.

_He continues on his way. Hyde steps up, opens the door, and is greeted by the sight of PAM, topless. She turns around and smiles at him._

**PAM** :

Hi, Steven.

_Hyde’s hand falls off the doorknob. His jaw goes slack. As if in a trance, he turns around and moves as quickly as he can the way he came._

**MAIN CREDITS**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY**

_Moments later. Red is back on his feet, preparing a sandwich for himself at the island. Hyde throws the patio door open and slides back into the kitchen. He pulls the door shut, locks it, sits back down at the kitchen table, and looks anywhere but the door as his fingers drum along the table’s edge._

**RED** :

(looks up)

So, where’re my tools?

**HYDE** :

Not there.

_His eyes settle on the far end of the table. His finger tapping grows faster. Red starts to take notice of Hyde’s nerves._

**RED** :

Not there?

**HYDE** :

Nope. Not there.

**RED:**

They’ve gotta be over there. I know I lent them to Bob. Now you get back over there. I want my tools, dammit!

**HYDE** :

(quickly)

Well, think about it, Red. “Your” tools. “Lending” them to Bob. What is the concept of ownership, anyway? Isn’t it all just part of the corrupt capitalist system keeping us down?

**RED** :

What the hell’s the matter with you? I’ve never seen you this twitchy. You’ve been spending too much time with Eric.

_He shoves his sandwich aside, crosses to the patio door._

**RED (cont’d)** :

Fine. I’ll get the damn things myself.

_He unlocks the door and heads outside._

CUT TO:

**INT. PINCIOTTI BEDROOM – DAY**

_The master bedroom of the Pinciotti home. Pam is still walking around topless as the door opens and Red takes a step inside. He freezes the second his eyes spy Pam. She turns and smiles at him._

**PAM** :

Hi, Red.

_Red’s hand falls off the doorknob. His jaw goes slack. As if in a trance, he turns around and moves as quickly as he can the way he came._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY**

_Red throws the patio door open and slides back into the kitchen. He pulls the door shut, locks it, sits back down at the kitchen table across from Hyde, and looks anywhere but the door as his fingers drum along the table’s edge._

**HYDE** :

You saw ‘em too, didn’t you?

**RED** :

(beat)

What the hell is wrong with that house? Open marriages, nudist parties, and now Bob’s sending people into his room without warning while the town lush struts around, exhibiting herself!

**HYDE** :

What do we do about this?

**RED** :

What’s there to do? We didn’t ask for that! As far as I’m concerned, it never happened. We don’t speak of it again, and we don’t say a word to _anyone_.

**HYDE:**

Maybe that works for _you_. I just got flashed by Jackie’s mom. I can’t keep that from her. She’s gonna know something happened. She’s like a bloodhound who can sniff out whenever I do anything wrong. Things are still heavy with her and Pam. She’s not gonna like this.

**RED** :

Oh, and Kitty will? Because she’ll find out about two seconds after you tell your loudmouth girlfriend. You just remember this, pal – if I go down from this, I’m taking you with me. And when I take people down, they stay down. Just ask North Korea.

_He looks down at the table, scowling. Hyde starts tapping the table edge again._

**HYDE** :

She say “hi” to you, too?

_Red rolls his eyes; he still wants to drop it. But Hyde presses on:_

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

What is that, a come-on?

**RED** :

What woman comes on to their teenage daughter’s boyfriend?

**HYDE:**

I know, right? I mean – I’ve been hit on by older women before, and it was great. Made me feel all naughty. But with this, I just want to reach into my brain and cut out the whole memory of the last ten minutes of my life. It’s not fun anymore.

**RED** :

Well, Steven, that’s what love does – it makes things not fun anymore. Enjoy it.

_He turns away again as Hyde’s head twitches this way and that._

**BUMPER**

_MUSIC NOTE: “Can’t Find Love” by Earth, Wind and Fire._

**INT. DONNA’S BEDROOM – DAY**

_The aftermath of the movies. Donna sits at her writing desk, her back to her open door. Her foot taps relentlessly as she talks on the phone._

**DONNA:**

Look, Jackie, Eric and I came really close to doing it, and I am so jacked up on hormones, I feel like I could jump the first guy I see.

_As she says this, MITCH comes up the hall and into her doorway, a peach cobbler in hand. He strolls into the room, sets the cobbler down on Donna’s desk, and leans over her shoulder._

**MITCH:**

Then look my way, pretty lady.

_Donna jumps slightly; she didn’t notice him come in. She sets the phone down and stands over Mitch._

**DONNA:**

Okay, Mitch, you know I love having you around 'cause you say really nice things about me.

**MITCH:**

Like how the sun pales in radiance to the beauty of your smile?

**DONNA:**

Yeah, like that.

**MITCH:**

Yeah.

**DONNA:**

But I have to talk to Jackie, and it's girl stuff.

_She takes Mitch by the arm and pulls him to the door._

**MITCH:**

Oh, you're so strong. You make me feel like Jessica Lange in _King Kong._

_Donna gives him a shove out into the hall and throws the door shut after him._

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY**

_The next day. Just the boys, but not the usual line-up of boys: FEZ sits in Hyde’s chair, Eric and Mitch share the couch, and KELSO sits in the lawn chair. Eric has a half-finished X-Wing Fighter model in his hands, the open box for it on the coffee table. Eric works on the model with a tool as he talks._

**ERIC:**

You know why Darth Vader went to the dark side? He was dating a redhead who wouldn't put out.

**FEZ:**

So you are like Darth Vader in the sense that you're not getting any, but you are not like Darth Vader in the sense that you are weak and strike fear in no one.

_Eric nods, gives Fez the thumbs’ up._

**ERIC:**

Well, this is certainly one way to spend an afternoon.

**KELSO:**

You know, I never really got into making models. Guess I was too busy having sex.

_He stands, crosses to the deep freeze._

**FEZ:**

(to Kelso)

Hey, I don't have sex, and I still don't build models. I don't have a single model or a single girl. My life is an empty hole.

_Mitch looks over Eric’s work so far._

**MITCH:**

Hey, nice job. You put the force field generators on backwards. One photon torpedo, and you're space toast.

_He laughs and looks to Fez and Kelso to join in; they just stare._

_The basement door flies open and Donna races inside._

**DONNA:**

Okay, Eric, that's it. I think we should have sex.

_Eric grins, sets down the X-Wing._

**ERIC:**

Yes!

**MITCH:**

_No!_

_Eric glares at Mitch, but before he can say anything, Donna pulls him to his feet._

**DONNA:**

Okay, I'm going crazy not being with you. You may not be a strong man, but you read my body like braille.

_She smiles, and Eric gives her a slight laugh. They take a step in towards each other when:_

**KELSO:**

Burn!

_They both turn and glare at him._

**KELSO (cont’d):**

Wait. What's braille?

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – DAY**

_Concurrent with the previous scene. Hyde sits alone on the couch, watching TV. His arms are folded tight and he shifts uncomfortably._

_The front door opens, and in walks JACKIE. She smiles when she sees Hyde, moves to sit next to him._

**JACKIE** :

Hey.

**HYDE** :

It was an accident!

_His yelp causes her to recoil slightly in her seat._

**JACKIE** :

What?

**HYDE** :

What?

**JACKIE** :

What?

**HYDE** :

What?

**JACKIE** :

Steven, I’ve never seen you this tense.

(beams, hugs him)

It’s wonderful!

**HYDE** :

It is?

**JACKIE** :

Steven, if I learned anything useful from my mom, it’s that if your man’s not tense when you walk into the room, that means you’re doing something wrong.

_She rubs his bare sleeve, pouts her lips at him._

**HYDE** :

Uh... yeah, that’s right. I’m tense because of you. ‘Cause you’re... too pretty.

**JACKIE** :

Aww...

_She pecks his cheek. He wipes it on his shoulder, and she massages the spot she pecked._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

You know, if we can slip down to the basement - I’m early for dinner and I decided to give going braless a try.

_Hyde jolts in his seat, edging away from Jackie._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

(confused)

Steven!

**HYDE** :

Well, does it always gotta be about boobs with you? Damn, woman!

_Jackie scoffs, “excuse me?” Hyde can’t take the pressure of her stare. He jumps off the couch and retreats into Red’s study. Jackie looks to the TV and throws up her hands, “what was THAT about?”_

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - EVENING**

_Later in the day. Donna has taken Hyde’s chair, with Mitch hovering behind her. Kelso leans on the dryer. Fez and Eric share the couch, with Eric having finished his X-Wing model._

**ERIC:**

Okay, the tractor beam is operational. Don't get too close!

**MITCH:**

(to Donna)

You really gonna shine your love light on that?

**DONNA:**

Well, he's a different person between the sheets. What can I say?

**KELSO:**

Hey, guys, tomorrow I have this police test on interrogation techniques. I was wondering if I could practice on somebody.

**DONNA:**

Sure, I’ll help you.

**KELSO:**

Nah, it’s my first time. I’m gonna need someone much more spineless than you.

(to Eric)

All right, Mr. Forman - if that is indeed your real name - what did you do on the day of today?

**ERIC:**

(gangster voice)

You'll never get it out of me, copper. I'm no rat!

_Kelso rips the X-Wing model out of Eric’s hands and hurls it at the coffee table. It shatters into pieces._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

Kelso, what the hell?

**KELSO:**

Oh, just relax, Eric. I'm just doing “good cop, bad cop.” That was the bad cop, but he's gone now. See, now good cop is here to take care of you.

_He sits down on the couch arm, puts a hand on Eric’s shoulder._

**KELSO (cont’d):**

Hey, how you doin', buddy? It's a real shame about what happened to your model. Why don't you tell me what you did today?

**ERIC:**

I came home from the restaurant and spent six hours _building that model_!

**MITCH:**

Uh, excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt, but what about your encounter at the store with the girl who sells slurpees?

_Donna’s attention snaps to Eric, and Eric and Kelso’s snap to Mitch._

**DONNA & KELSO:**

What?

**MITCH:**

(to Eric)

Yeah, you remember. She asked why you never call her anymore. You were like...

_Mitch pulls a dumb face and shrugs. Kelso “oohs” and takes a few steps back from Eric – he doesn’t want to be in range of potential fire._

**DONNA:**

(to Eric)

Wait. Is that the girl from the movies?

**KELSO:**

Donna, I'm asking the questions here.

(to Eric)

Was that the girl from the movies?

**DONNA:**

(to Eric)

What happened to, "I barely know her"?

**KELSO:**

(to Eric)

What happened to, "I barely know her"?

**DONNA:**

Why were you calling her, Eric?

**KELSO:**

Why were you calling her, Eric?

**ERIC:**

Kelso, will you shut up?

**KELSO:**

Oh, yeah, it's getting hot in here, isn't it?

_He gets right up in Eric’s face. Eric pushes him back by the face, turns to Donna._

**ERIC:**

Look, Donna... maybe I kinda know her. Maybe we kinda went out a couple times when you were dating Kelso's brother.

**DONNA:**

(stands)

Wait, so, the other day at the movies, you lied to me?

**KELSO:**

Donna, I am the senior officer here.

(to Eric)

So the other day at the movies, you lied to me?

**ERIC:**

(to Donna)

No, I... you know, I mean, it was the movies, you know? It's all make-believe.

**DONNA:**

Okay, you know what? Don't bother coming over tonight. My sexual tension has been replaced with another familiar emotion: anger at your scrawny ass!

_Eric sighs, closes his eyes. Mitch, behind Donna’s back, pumps a fist before reaching out to put a hand on her shoulder._

**MITCH:**

I'm just glad I could help the truth be told.

**DONNA:**

Yeah, at least someone's being honest around here.

_With a last glare at Eric, she storms up the stairs._

_Mitch looks to Eric, with a grin that would make the Grinch green(er) with envy._

**ERIC:**

Mitch, what the hell?

**MITCH:**

What? I thought you came off looking great. Oh, wait - that was me.

_He grins again and follows Donna up the stairs._

**BUMPER**

_MUSIC NOTE: “Double Vision” by Foreigner._

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – EVENING**

_Dinner preparations are underway. Red and Hyde sit at the table, and Jackie sits on the island, watching as Kitty puts the finishing touches on a tray of roast chicken._

**KITTY** :

Jackie, are you sure you want to be here for a dinner welcoming your mom to the neighborhood?

**JACKIE** :

Well, she made things up with Bob and she’s trying to sort out her priorities, so I think she’s earned it. That, and I don’t trust the hotel food when Steven’s not in the kitchen. I saw one of the other chefs – he has an eyepatch. I’m worried he’s got a talking parrot somewhere he’s gonna get mad at, pluck, and try to pass off as quail.

**KITTY** :

You know, I’m worried I didn’t get enough chicken. These breasts look so small.

_Hyde and Red both flinch at the word “breasts.”_

_Red glares at Hyde._

**RED** :

(hushed)

Not a word.

_The patio door opens up. Bob and Pam enter, Pam bearing a bottle of Kahlua and a low-cut top._

**BOB:**

Hey there, hi there, ho there.

**PAM** : 

(to Hyde & Red)

Hi, boys.

_They both silently moan and look down at the table, even as Bob and Pam move into the room and take positions where Pam’s breasts are right above Hyde’s head. His face starts twitching._

**PAM** :

Oh, Kitty, every time I come to this house I’m amazed by how much you’ve done with so little.

_Kitty doesn’t acknowledge that. Bob takes the bottle of Kahlua, sets it on the island._

**BOB** :

(to Kitty)

Here. Pam wanted to get you cookies, but I know how much you like the sauce.

**KITTY** :

Uh-huh.

(to Red)

Do these breasts look big enough?

_Red flinches again, recoils in his seat._

**RED** :

I’m not comfortable with that question.

**KITTY** :

What?

**RED** :

What?

**KITTY** :

What?

**RED** :

What?

_Hyde’s fingers start drumming along the table edge again. Jackie hops off the island and crosses to him._

**JACKIE** :

Steven, what is wrong with you?

**KITTY** :

(to Red)

What is wrong with you?

**RED** : 

There is nothing wrong with –

**HYDE** :

WE SAW PAM’S RACK!

_All eyes are on him. Red is furious, Bob mildly surprised, Pam sympathetic, and Kitty and Jackie stunned._

**HYDE** :

(beat)

So – this is what it’s like, being Forman.

_He puts a hand over his shades under the continued combined stairs of the others._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – EVENING**

_Right where we left off. Jackie still glares at him, but some of the pressure is off Hyde – Kitty is now glowering at Red, who gives her his full attention._

**KITTY** :

You saw Pam’s... Pam’s...

_She gestures towards Pam’s body, ending by indicating her breasts. She takes note of Pam’s top._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

Well, they’re halfway out already, so why don’t we just throw them out for everyone to see?

**BOB** :

It was the day she moved in.

_All eyes flicker to Bob._

**BOB (cont’d)** :

Yeah, Pammy told me. At first, I thought I should be mad, but then I thought, “hey, I sent ‘em in there, and it’s a great view.”

_He looks to Pam, who smiles, shrugs, and nods._

**PAM** :

(to Hyde, Red)

And don’t feel bad, you guys. This isn’t the first time my body has caused a fight. One time, I caused a riot on a topless beach in Venezuela. Imagine what you saw, only all tanned and oiled.

_Red and Hyde both put their hands over their faces._

**JACKIE** :

Okay, Mom? Maybe now’s not the best time to talk about what a sensation your looks made while you were drinking your way through Latin America – where apparently, they don’t believe in locking the door!

(to Hyde)

And I can’t believe you saw my mother naked and didn’t tell me about it right away!

**HYDE** :

(points to Red)

He told me not to!

_Red’s jaw drops as he glares at Hyde, “how could you?”_

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

Yeah. You thought this was North Korea? We’re in Vietnam, man! Game over!

_They stare each other down from across the table, even as their women still glare at them. Bob and Pam stand a few feet back, watching with amusement._

**BUMPER**

**SPLIT SCREEN: INT. DONNA’S BEDROOM/INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT**

_In Donna’s room, she and Jackie sit on the bed together. In the basement, Eric and Hyde sit on the couch together. Hyde has SCHATZI in his arms and scratches his head throughout the scene._

**ERIC** :

Man, Donna is so pissed at me.

**DONNA** :

I am so pissed at Eric. I can’t believe he lied to me about that girl. I mean, we’re getting married. I should know everything about him.

**ERIC** :

But, I mean, we’re already getting married. Do we have to know _everything_ about each other?

**DONNA** :

If I have to know that he wore a bathing suit in the tub until he was 12 –

(sees Jackie’s expression)

Yeah, tell everybody – I should know who he dated.

**ERIC** :

Donna playing “anteater” in her backyard, eating bugs until she was nine? Was perfectly happy not knowing that, thank you very much.

**JACKIE & HYDE**:

God, will you shut up? Maybe other people have relationship problems too.

**ERIC** :

Oh, I’m sorry, Hyde. Is something wrong?

**DONNA** :

What the hell’s with you?

**JACKIE/HYDE** :

Steven saw my mother topless./I saw Pam topless.

**DONNA** :

Oh, God.

**ERIC** :

All right!

_He holds his hand up for a high five, which Hyde doesn’t return. Donna puts an arm around Jackie’s shoulders._

**JACKIE:**

And the worst part is, he tried to keep it from me! He’s my boyfriend. Any time he sees another woman’s boobs, he’s supposed to say something.

**HYDE** :

The worst part is, it was the finest rack I’ve ever seen. And that includes nudie flicks and _Playboy_ centerfolds. And I’d still take back ever seeing it so I didn’t upset Jackie.

**ERIC** :

Yeah. I’d really like to break my record for not upsetting Donna by making it past one week.

**DONNA** :

Speaking of naked sluts, you don’t think Eric and that girl...

_Mitch leans into frame in Donna’s room._

**MITCH** :

Made sweet, emotional love? Yes, I do.

_Eric reaches over to scratch Schatzi’s ears, but Schatzi barks and nips at his fingers, and Eric quickly recoils._

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – NIGHT**

_The aftermath of dinner. Kitty, terse and sharp in her movements, packs up the chicken for refrigerating. Red is still at the kitchen table, looking pleadingly up at her._

**RED** :

Kitty, I said I was sorry. All I did was open the door, and there she was! Was I supposed to rip the eyes out of my head?

_Kitty slams the wrapped chicken down on the stovetop and turns to Red._

**KITTY** :

Oh, shut up, Red! I can’t even stand to look at you!

**RED** :

And yet you do. Because your eyes work? You see my problem?

_Kitty’s frown deepens. She puts her hands on her hips._

**KITTY** :

You don’t even know why I’m upset, do you?

**RED** :

Of course I do!

(beat)

But why should I deprive you of one of your favorite pastimes – telling me why you’re upset?

**KITTY** :

Red, I know you’re not a peeping tom. And, good lord, that woman’s always one Jell-O shot from giving it away. I mean, I’ve never even seen a freaking panty line on her! But I’m upset that you went out of your way not to tell me about this, and that you made Steven do the same thing to Jackie.

**RED** :

(stands)

But Kitty, the only reason I didn’t tell you was because I didn’t want you to be upset!

**KITTY** :

Well, that sure backfired, didn’t it?

_Red runs a hand down his face. He takes a step in to Kitty._

**RED** :

Look, Kitty, I’m sorry.

**KITTY** :

(beat)

I know.

_She steps in, pulls his head down so she can kiss his cheek._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

So – how’s she look?

_Red recoils._

**RED** :

I’m not comfortable with that question.

**KITTY** :

Oh, come on, Red. Pam talks herself up all the time – how does the show measure up?

_She playfully pokes at Red’s sides. He dodges, moves around her. Kitty stays right behind him, poking at his sides and smacking his butt. Laughing, she chases him out of the kitchen, over all his grunting protests._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT**

_Eric, Hyde, and Schatzi are still on the couch. They’ve been joined by Kelso, in Hyde’s chair, and Fez, in the lawn chair._

**KELSO** :

(to Hyde)

Completely naked?

_Hyde sighs; he’s done talking about this._

**HYDE** :

(warning)

Yes.

_Kelso, mouth gaping, looks to Fez, who wears the same expression._

**FEZ** :

Oh, if only we had stayed around after moving in her panties.

_The basement door opens. Donna and Jackie storm in, Mitch following after with a nasty smirk._

**DONNA** :

Okay, Eric, there's something I need to know. Did you or did you not do it with the slurpee slut?

**ERIC:**

(stands)

What?

**MITCH:**

(to Donna)

Oop! He answered a question with a question. That means he's guilty. Now let's ditch him and carry me out of here.

**ERIC:**

Donna, I did not sleep with her.

**DONNA:**

Well, you lied to me about her before, so why should I believe you now?

**ERIC:**

You don't believe me? Fine. Let me show you what I was doing while you were with Casey.

_He climbs over the couch and disappears into Hyde’s room._

_Jackie moves to stand behind the couch, just to Hyde’s right, and glares down at him._

**JACKIE:**

Hey, Steven, the next time Eric steps out with the slurpee slut, maybe you should tag along. You might get another free show out of it!

**FEZ:**

(to Hyde)

You wouldn’t even need Eric. I’ve bought many a slurpee from her, and from what I can tell, she’ll do it with anyone.

**HYDE:**

Did she do it with you?

**FEZ:**

No, she has way too much self-respect for that.

_Eric returns, a box in hand. It is overflowing with Star Wars models._

**ERIC:**

Okay, Donna. This is a box full of models that I made while you were with Casey Kelso.

_Mitch pokes around inside the box._

**MITCH:**

Look at this. TIE Fighters, assault vehicles, and troop transports. All with minor defects in workmanship.

(points to Eric)

Yeah, he made these, all right.

**DONNA:**

(to Eric)

So this is what you did when we were apart?

(smiles)

Oh, my horny nerd boy.

**JACKIE:**

Aww... that’s like Steven looking after Schatzi when we were broken up. Except watching a dog is caring and sensitive, whereas Eric’s models are geeky and pathetic.

_Eric and Donna both glare at her. She shrugs, sits on the back of the couch, and reaches down to pet Schatzi._

_Eric sets the box down._

**ERIC:**

Donna, there's a reason I didn't tell you about her. She wasn't important. The whole time we broke up, you know... you know I never stopped loving you.

**DONNA:**

Eric...

_She takes him in her arms, and they kiss._

**ERIC:**

So, can I suggest that we honor the age-old tradition of making up after a fight, not just spiritually, but physically?

**DONNA:**

How about a brand-spanking new tradition where I buy you a milkshake and a _Playboy_?

**ERIC:**

Donna, whoa. I'm insulted. I do not need a milkshake. Let's go.

_Hand in hand, they exit out the door._

**MITCH:**

What, so they're back together and everything's fine? That sucks.

_He exits out the door too._

_Hyde twists around in his seat to look up at Jackie._

**HYDE** :

Hey, sorry about the thing with your mom. I wanted to tell you before, but Red got all freaked.

_Jackie sighs, slides over the back of the couch to sit next to Hyde._

**JACKIE** :

Well, it’s not your fault. Mom just doesn’t care who sees her. She used to walk around our house topless all the time.

_Kelso and Fez both stand._

**KELSO** :

That’s it. We gotta get over to Bob’s.

_They both race up the stairs._

_Hyde sets Schatzi down on the coffee table. Jackie leans over to pet him, even as Hyde leans into her._

**HYDE** :

You still giving the braless thing a try?

_Jackie looks up at him, raises her eyebrows._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

Hey, I’m fine with things being all about boobs as long as they’re yours.

_Jackie smiles, “awws,” and gives him a quick kiss._

**JACKIE** :

But what did you learn from all this?

**HYDE** :

That, if he’s only worried about Mrs. Forman, you can totally get away with burning Red.

_Jackie tries to pout at him, but a smile breaks through. Hyde just grins and scratches under Schatzi’s chin._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**CREDITS**

**INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT**

_The Pinciotti house. Kelso and Fez creep up to the bedroom door on their tiptoes. Each bears a massive grin, and each titters in anticipation._

**KELSO** :

Ready?

_Fez nods eagerly. Kelso grabs the door handle, throws the door open... and reveals the sight of a stark-naked Bob, toweling himself off._

_He turns around, sees the boys, smiles, and shrugs._

**BOB:**

Oopsie doosie.

_Fez and Kelso throw their arms around each other and hold each other tight as they scream for their lives, unable to look away._

**END.**


	33. J/H 6-21: 5:15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With previous changes to episode order, "Do You Think It's Alright?" is now 6-20. We assume that plays out as we know it, which takes us into this rewrite of 6-21...
> 
> (NOTE: There are two jokes here borrowed from sources other than That 70s Show - one from before the 70s [a Bugs Bunny cartoon] and one after [a Chris Rock routine.] See if you can guess which two!)

**SHOW TITLE**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY**

_A calm Friday afternoon. ERIC and DONNA share the couch and JACKIE sits in Hyde’s chair. They’re at a game of Scrabble laid out over the coffee table._

_The basement door opens and MITCH and FEZ enter._

**MITCH:**

Hey, guys.

**ERIC:**

Mitch! I thought I heard a matchbox car pull up.

**MITCH:**

Yeah, I'm short, and you're shaped like a lollipop. I'm not in the mood, Forman. My brother Jack's wedding is tomorrow, and I don't have a date.

**JACKIE:**

Oh, did you try Aly Richards? She'll go anywhere there's cake.

**FEZ:**

That's how I got her into my car. But then I ate the cake, and she left.

_He sits in the lawn chair. Mitch shakes his head, crosses to sit between Eric and Donna on the couch._

**MITCH:**

No, I'm in a real bind here. I showed up at the engagement party alone. My family made so much fun of me. So I said to myself - 'cause, of course, I was alone - that I would bring someone sizzling hot with me to the wedding.

(turns to Donna)

Hey, Donna, would you be my date?

_Donna smiles, pats his arm._

**DONNA:**

Mitch, I don't know what to say.

**ERIC:**

Oh, let me help you out.

(to Mitch)

NO!

**MITCH:**

Donna, if you went with me, I might finally earn some respect from my family.

**ERIC:**

Let me say this for you one more time in Spanish. NO!

**FEZ:**

I taught him that.

**DONNA:**

Eric, it seems harmless.

**ERIC:**

No, Donna. I'm sorry, but I forbid it.

**DONNA:**

Oh.

(turns to Mitch)

Mitch, I'd love to go.

**ERIC:**

Donna, what the hell?

**DONNA:**

No, I forbid you to ask me questions about this.

**ERIC:**

But, Donna – 

**DONNA:**

Let me tell you one more time in Spanish.

_She blows a raspberry, stands, and crosses to the deep freeze and takes out a popsicle. Mitch follows after her._

**MITCH:**

Oh, hey, Donna, thanks so much for doing this.

**DONNA:**

Sure, but, you know, just friends. You don't get to touch any of this juicy stuff.

_She indicates her breasts._

**MITCH:**

No, don't worry. I'll even ask another couple to be, like, chaperones. Hey, Jackie, do you and Hyde want to go?

**JACKIE:**

Oh, Steven has to work at the hotel tomorrow.

**MITCH:**

But the reception’s at the hotel.

**JACKIE:**

Exactly. So we’re in.

**FEZ** :

But Jackie, if Hyde is working, wouldn’t that mean you’d sit out at the reception alone while he’s in the kitchen?

**JACKIE** :

Hey, we’ll be in the same building for the same wedding. I work with what I’ve got.

_She turns back to her tiles._

**MAIN CREDITS**

**BUMPER**

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY**

_Later that afternoon. RED stands with a CABLE INSTALLER in the drive. Red hands the installer a check, the installer cuts a receipt, and he goes on his way._

_KITTY steps out from the kitchen, crosses to Red._

**KITTY:**

Remind me what he installed again?

**RED** :

Cable television, Kitty. We’re stepping into the future.

**KITTY** :

Cable? Red, you said you’d rather kiss Ho Chi Minh than pay for TV.

**RED** :

Well, that was before I knew what a good deal it was. For 20 bucks a month, we now have over 20 channels.

**KITTY** :

Uh-huh... but everything we watch is on the channels we already have.

**RED** :

Well, now we have new things to watch.

**KITTY** :

Like what?

**RED:**

Well, like... oh, there’s... Kitty, Laurie’s moved into an apartment, Eric and Steven are always working, and you and I are running out of things to talk about. We need something to fill up the day.

_He retreats into the kitchen before Kitty can retort. She follows him inside, and we cut to:_

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY**

_The two of them sit down at the kitchen table, where a tray of sandwiches and plates are waiting. They each take a sandwich and begin to eat when KELSO enters from the basement, a backpack slung over his shoulder._

**KITTY:**

I'm sorry, Michael, but I'm gonna have to search that bag. Every time you leave my house with a backpack, I have to buy new hairspray.

**KELSO:**

I didn't take anything. This is lunch. I planned a whole romantic day for me and Brooke.

**KITTY:**

So, where are you and Brooke headed?

**KELSO:**

Well, since she's having a baby, I thought I'd take her to a place that kids and girls like, so I figured I'd start the date off at an amusement park and we'd go on a ride on the _Lightning Whip._ And then I'm gonna take her horseback riding up to this overlook, and then we're gonna get cozy and drink a little Bingo Bango.

_He reaches into the backpack, pulls out a bottle of booze._

**KITTY:**

Oh, sweetie, you're so wrong, it makes me want to cry a little.

(stands)

No, no. Pregnant women cannot go on roller coasters, and they definitely can't drink alcohol, or bad things can happen to the baby.

**RED:**

Case in point - Eric.

**KITTY:**

Well, we didn't know any better back then.

(to Kelso)

I'm teaching a baby-care class at the hospital. If you brought Brooke, I think she'd be very impressed.

**KELSO:**

All right. Yeah, sign us up. You know, there was a time that all I had to do to impress a girl was turn my eyelids inside out. This baby's changing everything.

_He takes a step toward the patio door, then stops and crosses to Kitty._

**KELSO (cont’d)**

Oh...

_He reaches into the backpack, takes out a can of hairspray. Kitty snatches it back from him as he exits._

**BUMPER**

_MUSIC NOTE: “Fallin’ in Love (Re-Recorded)” by Hamilton, Joe Frank & Reynolds._

**INT. BALLROOM – DAY**

_The next day. Wedding time – or, more specifically, the reception. The hotel ballroom has been mildly decorated for the occasion, with a high table for the bride and groom at the far end of the dance floor and round tables with white tablecloths scattered about the near side. A DJ has a station set up with record player and speakers – he currently has “Fallin’ in Love” playing._

_The seating chart has Mitch, Donna, and Jackie at a round table, shared with a young woman their age in a fur wrap – CHRISTY. She and Jackie are happily chatting when Jackie breaks away to nudge Mitch’s shoulder._

**JACKIE** :

Mitch, you never told me your family brushed up against anyone in the country club set. Christy and I used to go horseback riding there every summer.

**CHRISTY** :

(to Jackie)

It really has been forever, Jackie. We haven’t seen you at the PPCC since your father went to prison and your mother ran off to drink her weight in Tequila.

**JACKIE** :

Yeah, but at least sitting out the last season meant I didn’t have to see you try and fail to make fur work in summer for the tenth year in a row.

_They stare each other down for a moment, then break into girlish laughter. Mitch leaves them to it and turns back to Donna._

**MITCH:**

Thanks again for doing this, Donna. Grandpa saw me walk in with you, and he slipped me a 20.

(holds out the 20)

Here, you should have this.

**DONNA:**

See, that kind of makes me a hooker.

_Mitch pulls a face, “ah,” and pockets the 20._

_Further conversation is cut short by Eric, dressed for work, stepping up to the table._

**ERIC:**

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Eric.

**DONNA:**

Eric, what are you doing here?

**ERIC:**

I changed my work schedule so I could make sure that Mitch keeps his tiny little doll hands to himself.

_Donna stands and pulls Eric aside, even as Mitch is beckoned to the high table._

**DONNA:**

Eric, Mitch is not a threat to you. Okay, he's a perfectly harmless guy who happens to worship the ground I walk on. You know, it's not his fault that I'm eye candy.

_At the other side of the table, a young blonde man with chiseled features comes up to Christy. She and Jackie stand to meet him, and he embraces Christy._

**MAN** :

Hey.

_They kiss._

**CHRISTY** :

Jackie, this is my boyfriend, Mason. He’s a fraternity man at Marquette, enrolled in their culinary arts program.

_MASON offers his hand, and Jackie shakes it._

**JACKIE** :

Really? You know, my boyfriend, Steven, is already working as a chef.

_Christy and Mason’s eyebrows go up; they’re impressed. Naturally, Hyde chooses this moment to come into the ballroom, his chef’s jacket opened at the top and covered in grease and sauce stains. He goes straight to Eric and leans in near his ear._

**HYDE** :

(hushed)

Hey, Forman, when you bring out all the orders of sea bass, give Mitch the plate with the blue ring. That’s the one I spit in.

_He and Eric trade friendly swats to the chest. Hyde heads back out, wiping his hands on his jacket front. He pauses when he comes behind Jackie._

**HYDE** :

Havin’ fun, doll?

_He pats her on the butt and exits. Christy and Mason watch him leave, then turn back to Jackie with far more condescending glares. Jackie gives them a nervous smile and giggle._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – DAY**

_Fez sits alone on the couch, watching THE BRADY BUNCH on TV. His feet are propped up on the coffee table – on the cable box on the coffee table._

_Red enters from the kitchen, beer in hand, and freezes halfway to the couch when he sees Fez._

**RED** :

You? Eric and Steven are out, and your unholy marriage to my daughter has finally been washed away by the blessed miracle of divorce. What reason do you have to be here now?

**FEZ** :

My host family has Bible study tonight. They like to act out the passages, and if I’m there, I always have to play the heathens, the heretics, the prostitutes... they even make me play the adulteresses. And one time, when I said I wanted to get more into character by wearing a dress, they made me talk with the priest.

_Red realizes where Fez’s feet are. He lunges, slaps them down._

**RED** :

Get your feet off of there! Now look – we’re in my house. This is my television. And I’m about to sit down in front of my television and enjoy my first day of cable.

**FEZ** :

(gasps)

You have cable? The home of _The Charity Car Wash Girls_? Well, why didn’t you say so, little buddy? Start ‘er up!

_He scoots over and gestures for Red to take his seat. Red rolls his eyes but sits down. He picks up the clicker and moves up one channel, and the TV audio shifts to:_

**TV (aud. only)** :

_Stop spraying me, silly, or I’m gonna have to come over there and kiss you._

**FEZ** :

Oh, this is it!

_He leans forward, in rapt attention, heedless of the contemptuous look Red’s giving him._

**TV (aud. only)** :

_Tasha, do you want a kiss, too? Wow, Tasha. You have the biggest –_

_Red clicks to the next channel up, and we hear:_

**TV (aud. only)** :

_Thunderstorms, which will result in a small craft advisory on Lake Superior._

_Fez’s face falls. He sits back and slumps down into the couch._

**FEZ:**

Weather? I’d have more fun sitting through a lecture from the priest after playing the adulteress.

_He pouts, Red grins, and they go on watching the weather._

**BUMPER**

**INT. CLASSROOM – EVENING**

_A small conference room in the hospital, converted into a classroom. A number of couples, the women in various stages of pregnancy, are seated before a blackboard and desk. A screen of female anatomy is pulled down over the board._

_Kelso and BROOKE step into the doorway._

**KELSO:**

(looks around room)

Man, look at all these preggos.

(points to one woman)

God, that one's walking like a gigantic duck.

**BROOKE:**

She is definitely in her third trimester. The baby probably dropped.

**KELSO:**

No, I think it's still in there.

**BROOKE:**

It means the baby's gotten itself into the birthing position.

**KELSO:**

Oh. Man, you really know stuff.

**BROOKE:**

Well, I've read every baby book in the library. By the way, did you ever read that book I gave you by Dr. Spock?

**KELSO:**

No, I kinda lost interest when I realized it wasn't about _Star Trek_.

**BROOKE:**

Well, you signed us up for this class, and that was very thoughtful.

**KELSO:**

Well, that's me. I'm Mr. Thoughtful.

_They make their way into the room and take seats in the front row. Kelso looks to the extremely pregnant woman on his left._

**KELSO:**

Man, how many kids are you having?

_Kitty, in nurse’s uniform, enters, stands at the desk._

**KITTY:**

Oh, hi, Michael. Hope you're ready to talk boo-boos, burps and binkies.

(laughs)

_Kelso and Brooke stand._

**KELSO:**

Yeah, uh, Brooke, this is Mrs. Forman, the lady that told me I shouldn't take you horseback riding. And, Mrs. Forman, this is Brooke, the hot librarian I impregnated.

**KITTY:**

Well, I am so happy you two are here.

(to class)

And you should be happy, because you have me as your tour guide as you make the transition to parenthood.

_She pulls on the screen to roll it up and reveal the blackboard. “KELSO RULES” is written across it in chalk._

**KITTY (cont’d):**

_Michael._

**KELSO:**

But that could have been anybody. Everybody knows I rule.

**KITTY:**

Okay, all right, okay. Let's get started.

_Kelso and Brooke sit, and the rest of the class settles into place._

**KITTY (cont’d):**

Now, when you first bring your little bundles of joy home, they will spend almost 20 hours a day sleeping and pooping.

**KELSO:**

(to Brooke)

Man, that's the life, huh?

_Brooke shushes him as Kitty goes on._

**KITTY:**

Now, who can tell me what they will do with the rest of their cute little time?

_Brooke’s hand shoots into the air in classic A-student fashion._

**KITTY (cont’d):**

Ooh. Yes, Brooke.

**BROOKE:**

They'll be eating.

**KITTY:**

Very good. And what will they be eating?

**KELSO:**

(to Brooke)

Hey, when you're not looking, I'm gonna sneak the little guy some popcorn.

**BROOKE:**

Michael, babies can't eat popcorn. They don't even have teeth.

**KELSO:**

My grandma Bessie doesn't have any teeth, and trust me, she ain't shy around a bucket of popcorn.

**BUMPER**

_MUSIC NOTE: “Just What I Needed” by the Cars._

**INT. BALLROOM – EVENING**

_The reception continues. “Just What I Needed” is the DJ’s current song of choice. Hyde is back in the room, as sloppy as ever. He and Eric lean against the wall to one side of the ballroom, muttering quietly to each other. Donna Jackie, Christy, and Mason are still at their table. Except for Donna, who is watching couples dance, they all look Hyde’s way._

**CHRISTY** :

(to Jackie)

So... that’s who you’re seeing these days. Where exactly did he learn to be a “chef?”

**JACKIE** :

Um... Steven is... self-taught. Yeah, he’s not a big believer in college.

**CHRISTY:**

(heavy sarcasm)

Really? Because I would have thought he’d be the model applicant for any admissions board or scholarship committee.

**JACKIE:**

Yeah, he doesn’t believe in material wealth either. Or hair care. And, as any Mormon will tell you, conversion takes time, and I’ve only had him for a year and a half.

_Over by the wall, Hyde gets into a coughing fit, delivered directly into his hand, which he wipes on his jacket before resuming his talk with Eric._

**CHRISTY** :

Well, Jackie, I, for one, think it’s very generous of you to take on such an unrefined and underprivileged young man as your boyfriend. It’s kind of like _My Fair Lady_ in reverse. But you’d still have to Rex Harrison your way through the songs.

_She throws her head back with a haughty “ha.” Jackie’s eyes narrow, but she has no immediate retort._

**CHRISTY (cont’d)** :

Of course, Mason here made it into college with top honors. His parents sit on the Marquette board and are among their top donors.

_She turns to beam at him. Jackie isn’t so impressed; Mason is poking at his steak with a butter knife, his jaw slack and his face vacant. He looks up at Christy._

**MASON** :

(nods to Jackie)

I think her boyfriend ruined this pork. It’s too tough to cut.

_Christy’s eyes drop down to the plate. Her smile starts to slip._

**JACKIE** :

(to Mason)

Maybe because that’s a steak. And you’re trying to cut it with a butter knife.

(to Christy)

I’m sure all those donations had _nothing_ to do with him getting into Marquette.

_An argument is prevented by stirrings at the high table: the DJ cuts the record, the bride and groom move their seats to the middle of the ballroom, and Mitch steps out before them, microphone in hand._

**MITCH:**

I - I guess it's a tradition for the best man to say a few words. And all I really want to say is that my brother is not the only one fortunate enough to find himself in love's warm embrace.

_He walks as he talks, crossing over to Donna. He holds out a hand to indicate her._

**MITCH (cont’d):**

So, everybody, I'd like to introduce you to Donna, my new fiancée. Or as I like to call her, my big, red love machine. That's her.

_He points to her, and the crowd begins applauding politely. Mitch basks in the attention, oblivious to the glares he’s getting from Donna and Eric._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

**INT. BALLROOM – EVENING**

_Right where we left off. As the applause dies down, Donna gets to her feet and advances on Mitch._

**DONNA:**

Mitch, what the hell are you doing?

**MITCH:**

(to the crowd)

Ooh, look at that fireball go. Feisty at the table, feisty in the bedroom.

_Eric’s had enough. He marches over and seizes the microphone from Mitch._

**ERIC:**

(to the crowd)

No. No. She's feisty in _my_ bedroom, people! _My_ bedroom! Okay, he's just some lying, crazy lunatic. He's crazy. This guy's crazy!

_You could hear a pin drop in the ballroom. All eyes are on Eric and Mitch. It slowly dawns on Eric that he’s still at a wedding reception. He turns, smiles to the bride and groom._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

And, uh, my congratulations to the happy couple.

_He gives them a polite nod; nervously, they nod back._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT**

_The inaugural cable viewing continues. Red still has the tube turned to the national weather; he sits back in the couch, grinning at the forecast, while Fez sits next to him, pouting._

**TV (aud. only):**

_...barometric pressure from a cold front out of Canada..._

**RED:**

Look at all that hail in Buffalo.

**FEZ:**

What hail? It’s just a map with a line going around it. Come on, little buddy, get off this thing and let’s see some sudsy sluts.

**RED:**

For the last time, I’m not your “little buddy.” And my cable, my channel.

**FEZ:**

But Mr. Red, how can you watch this?

**RED:**

It comforts me to know that there are people out there more miserable than me, like those people in Buffalo. And you.

_Fez’s pout deepens, but Red just chuckles and turns back to the TV._

CUT TO:

**INT. CLASSROOM – NIGHT**

_Baby class has moved on to diaper practice. The couples all stand at makeshift changing stations with baby dummies and diapers to practice with. Kitty observes one OLDER COUPLE as they complete the task._

**KITTY:**

Very nice. Baby says, "it's tight, but not too tight, and I wuve the way you powdered my widdle bottom."

_At their station, Kelso watches as Brooke struggles to pull the diaper tight and finish the safety pin._

**KELSO:**

I never thought I'd say this, but you gotta take it easy on the nads.

**BROOKE:**

I know what I'm doing. It's just - it sounded so much easier in the books.

(finishes)

Okay, there.

_She hands the dummy to Kelso, who presents it just as Kitty comes over._

**KITTY:**

Ooh, let's have a look.

_Kelso tugs at the waistline; it’s too loose._

**KITTY (cont’d):**

Uh-oh. Baby says, "that's too loose. Now I'm gonna wee-wee on Daddy."

_Brooke takes the dummy back._

**BROOKE:**

I just have to re-do the safety pin.

(struggles)

God, why can't I do this?

**KITTY:**

Oh, no. Baby says, "ouch, you poked me. Now I'm gonna cry. Wah! Wah!"

_Brooke throws her hands up._

**BROOKE:**

That's it. I give up.

_She runs out of the room._

**KITTY:**

(calling after Brooke)

"Oh, Mommy, don't leave me. I don't want to end up in state-run foster care. Wah! Wah!"

_Kelso gives Kitty a long look._

**KELSO:**

You know, you seem normal around your family, but out in the world, you're a little nuts.

_He leaves her to think about that as he goes after Brooke._

**BUMPER**

_MUSIC NOTE: “Kiss You All Over” by Exile._

**INT. BALLROOM – NIGHT**

_What’s left of the reception lingers on after Mitch’s speech. The DJ plays “Kiss You All Over.” The bride and groom receive a few relatives at the high table and Mitch skulks in the far corner. Hyde has taken over one of the many vacant tables, his feet propped up on the table. He and Eric help themselves to leftover food._

_Jackie and Christy stand by their table while Mason sits and chats with Donna._

**MASON:**

So it turned out that “yeast” means something else in cooking. But by then, I’d already puked in the dish, so...

_He shrugs. Donna’s face twists into a tight knot of disgust._

**MASON (cont’d)** :

Yeah, they were gonna flunk me on that one, but my dad stepped in.

**DONNA** :

Well, that’s – nice...

**MASON** :

He stepped in literally, too – some of it got on the floor.

_Meanwhile, Jackie and Christy have a conversation of their own going:_

**CHRISTY** :

Well, Jackie, not that it hasn’t just been a little slice of heaven catching up – because it hasn’t.

(giggles)

I would say we’ll see you around, but... well, jailbird dads and runaway moms are one thing, but I think the PPCC draws the line at taking in strays.

_She nods to Hyde’s table. Jackie turns just in time to see Hyde load a spoon with a dumpling, pull it back, and shoot it into Eric’s waiting mouth._

**JACKIE** :

(beat)

You know, Christy, if I wasn’t with Steven, I might have gone along with all your insults tonight with some laughs, some passive-aggressive comebacks, and insisting that I didn’t want back in the country club set, which I would’ve hoped you didn’t realize meant I desperately wanted back in the country club set. But, since I am with Steven, I’m just gonna tell you to shut your hole.

_Christy gasps, recoils. Jackie advances on her._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

Steven is a great guy and a wonderful boyfriend. And, okay, maybe he isn’t PPCC material, but who cares? He’s still a good person, and he turned out that way even after a hard, poor life.

(points at Mason)

He didn’t have one of the top donor families at Marquette as his parents paving the way from him, making it look like he was great when he was really a doofus. And, by the way...

_Jackie tosses a small pack of something to Christy, who just catches it._

**JACKIE (cont’d):**

That was in Mason’s pocket.

_Christy gives Jackie a look, “how’d you get this?”_

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

Oh, yeah. My boyfriend taught me how to pickpocket.

**CHRISTY** :

(eyes the pack)

This is a pack of condoms.

**JACKIE** :

Mmm-hmm. It’s a pack of three.

**CHRISTY** :

But there’s only two.

_Jackie nods, gives Christy a leading look. It hits her; she gasps, grabs Mason by the ear, and pulls him to his feet._

**CHRISTY (cont’d)** :

MASON!

_She drags him, still by the ear, out of the ballroom._

_Hyde and Eric, who have been watching the scene, stand and cross to the table._

**HYDE** :

Jackie, man, you didn’t have to do that. A couple of squares wanna talk, that doesn’t bother me.

**JACKIE** :

Well, it bothers me. Nobody gets to talk about you like that when I’m around or try to pass off their lunkheaded man meat as better than you. Steven, you are better than any guy I’ve ever met, and I’m proud of you.

_A tiny smile flickers across Hyde’s mouth, the one chink in his cool demeanor. He lets Jackie cup his face and pull him down for a kiss, then puts his arm around her shoulders._

**HYDE** :

You know, just for that, I think I’ll come in early tomorrow and get you some room service breakfast. And I’ll even follow the health code.

_Jackie gives him a playful swat to the chest._

**ERIC:**

I don’t know, Jackie. I think there are a couple of other good men around here. For example,

(to Donna)

It turns out I was right about Mitch. So, let's see, - that's you, wrong. Me, right.

**DONNA:**

(sighs)

All right, you don't have to rub it in.

**ERIC:**

Uh, I think I do, Donna. So rub-a-dub-dub, I'm right.

_Mitch, seeing them all gathered, stomps over and gets into Eric’s face._

**MITCH:**

(hushed, seething)

I am humiliated! The only way I'm gonna get my pride back is to kick your ass! So I'm challenging you to a fight. That is, unless you're too chicken.

**ERIC:**

What is this, third grade?

**MITCH:**

Okay, here's what I just heard –

(flaps his arms like a chicken)

Oh _ba-ba-ba-gawk_ , ooh, third grade, ooh.

**ERIC:**

Okay, you can stop doing that.

**MITCH:**

_Bawk_ , I can stop doing that, _bawk_.

**ERIC:**

Okay, fine. You know what? I'll fight you. Fine.

**MITCH:**

Good. Tomorrow! 5:15, the playground. You be there!

_He starts to walk away._

**DONNA:**

Um, why not just do it at 5?

**MITCH:**

I have swimming lessons!

_He storms from the ballroom._

CUT TO:

**INT. CLASSROOM – NIGHT**

_Baby class is over. Alone in the classroom, Kitty gathers and cleans the baby dummies. She wipes at one with a rag._

**KITTY:**

(to dummy)

Okay, I don't know who gave you a tattoo, but that is not good parenting.

_Kelso and Brooke enter, mid-argument._

**BROOKE:**

Look, Michael, I don't want to talk about it. I thought I was ready, but today I found out I don't even know how to use a diaper. We are gonna be covered in poo.

**KELSO:**

Look, I think you're underestimating us, all right? Especially me. Now, these beautiful hands aren't just made for foreplay. Check it out.

_He crosses to the nearest station and starts changing the dummy’s diaper._

**KELSO (cont’d):**

I remember the first time I babysat for my little brother and he power-dooked all over himself, right? So I got my mom's salad tongs and pulled off his pants, and then I grabbed him by the ankles and took him outside and hosed him off. And _voila_.

_He holds up one dummy with a perfectly set diaper._

**BROOKE:**

Oh, Michael, it's so perfect.

**KELSO:**

See, now, you got the brains and the maternal instincts, and I know how to wrap ass. We're gonna do this together, and we're gonna be fine.

_Kitty comes up behind them, looks the dummy over._

**KITTY:**

"Ooh, Daddy, that's just how I like it."

_Kelso and Brooke both give her a long look._

**KELSO:**

You're really starting to creep me out.

_From the look on her face as her brain catches up to her words, Kitty agrees._

**BUMPER**

**EXT. PLAYGROUND – DAY**

_The next day, afternoon. A small crowd of high schoolers and college kids have gathered to watch the fight. Donna and Jackie look on, half-amused and half-bemused, as Eric warms up with some air jabs and Hyde massages his shoulders._

**HYDE:**

Forman, I'm your bud, so I'm rooting for you in this fight. But, uh... business is business, so I got 50 bucks on the little guy.

_Mitch walks up, fresh from swimming, with a bag over his shoulder._

**MITCH:**

Well, I see the chicken showed up for his beating.

**ERIC:**

How can I be a chicken if I showed up for the fight?

**MITCH:**

You know, it's funny, 'cause what I just heard was,

(flaps his arms like a chicken)

 _Bawk-bawk_ , “chicken,” _bawk_! “Fight,” _bawk_! Now come back here so we can go over the rules.

_He nods to the hedges and steps behind them. Eric starts to follow when Donna takes his wrist._

**DONNA:**

Okay, Eric, one last thing. You know when we're play-fighting and you grab my wrist and I go, "ow, ow, ow, ow?” That doesn't really hurt. Okay? So, don't do that.

**ERIC:**

What? The Forman death grip? Man, I was really counting on that.

_He follows Mitch behind the hedges._

**MITCH:**

(hushed)

What are you doing here? I don't want to fight you. I was just trying to act tough so I can get my self-respect back.

**ERIC:**

By threatening _me_?

**MITCH:**

It's okay. It's okay. I've got a way out of this that'll make us both look good. We'll just – we’ll tell everyone that we worked it out like gentlemen, and now we're the best of friends.

**ERIC:**

What? No. Mitch, look, Donna was really nice to you, and you humiliated her. I can't let you treat people like that. Today I'm... I'm standing up for all humanity.

**MITCH:**

Would you do it for a 1968 G.I. Joe, Desert Rat edition with the original mess kit?

**ERIC:**

(laughs)

Please. I have three of those.

_Mitch pulls an action figure box from his bag._

**MITCH:**

The French version?

_Eric takes the box, looks it over._

**ERIC:**

(awed)

G.I. Jacques. It does exist.

**MITCH:**

We got a deal?

_Eric nods. He leads them back out to the playground._

**ERIC:**

(to crowd)

Well, I'm afraid there's not gonna be a fight here.

_As he talks, Mitch silently does the chicken strut behind him._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

Uh, guys, we worked out our differences, and basically, he's a really great guy...

(beat)

Donna, he's doing the chicken thing behind me right now.  
  


**DONNA:**

(laughing)

Yeah. He's really good at it.

**MITCH:**

That's not the only thing I'm good at, cherry pie.

_Eric rounds on Mitch, puts his fists up._

**ERIC:**

All right, that's it. You're dead.

_Mitch makes a show of dancing back on his feet, his fists up... while edging toward the end of the playground._

**MITCH:**

Ooh! ooh! ohh! Start the car, Mom! Start the car!

_He turns heel and runs._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**CREDITS**

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – DAY**

_Later that day. Eric, Fez, Hyde, and Kelso are all crammed together on the couch. Their jaws all hang open as they stare at the TV._

**TV (aud. only):**

_Ooh, Mr. Handyman, I’m so glad you’re here. There’s so many things I need you to nail._

**KELSO:**

I love cable.

**TV (aud. only):**

_Lucky for you, I’ve got a big hammer._

_The boys all lean in closer..._

_Red enters from the kitchen. Fez’s hand shoots for the clicker, and he puts the channel back on the weather._

**TV (aud. only):**

_... Temperatures in the mid..._

_The boys try and fail to look innocent. Red just rolls his eyes._

**END.**


	34. J/H 6-25: The Seeker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We assume that 6-22 through 6-24 remain as they are, and that takes us to 6-25, where we make a basic continuity correction in the only partial script of Season 6 for this rewrite!
> 
> (That "partial" status is owed entirely to my self-imposed rule to only focus on J/H material and its ripple effects; the way Eric and Donna's wedding is handled is one of the worst things about Season 6 IMO. But, I digress. Next time on Zen 3 to 5+, we're on to Season 7...)

**INT. PINCIOTTI KITCHEN - DAY**

_As KELSO and FEZ remain around MIDGE, JACKIE enters from the backyard. She crosses to HYDE and DONNA and tugs on Hyde’s sleeve._

**JACKIE:**

Steven, here you are. Why are you –

(sees Midge)

Mrs. Pinciotti! Hey, what a surprise! Huh. I guess there’s a few things in my jewelry box at the hotel that I need to bring back now.

**MIDGE:**

Ooh, Jackie, you’re staying at a hotel? Are you on vacation? Where are you going? Are you at Disneyland?

**JACKIE:**

No, Mrs. Pinciotti. After you left, my mom ran off and my dad went to prison, so I was staying here until my mom came back.

**MIDGE:**

Ooh, is she at Disneyland too?

_Jackie is spared having to respond to that by BOB and PAM entering from the hall. Bob freezes when he sees Midge._

**BOB:**

Midge, what are you doing here?

**MIDGE:**

I came to see Donna.

**DONNA:**

(to Bob)

Dad, I invited her to stay with us.

**BOB:**

Oh. Uh...

_He shifts on his feet as both Pam and Midge glare at him._

**MIDGE** :

(looks Pam over)

Who's the amazon?

**BOB:**

Oh, this is my, uh... friend.

**PAM:**

"Friend"? I don't think so.

_Jackie and Donna lean into Midge._

**JACKIE:**

That’s my mom.

**DONNA:**

And she’s staying here.

**MIDGE:**

Oh, really?

_She and Pam both take a step toward Bob, whose eyes dart back and forth between them._

**BOB:**

Well, I guess my only question is... who am I sleeping with?

_He chuckles nervously. No one else joins in._

*******

**INT. PINCIOTTI KITCHEN – DAY**

_Morning. Midge, Bob, and Pam, all in robes, sit around the kitchen table for a breakfast of eggs and waffles. Bob does his best to look cheerful, even as the women glower._

**BOB:**

(to Midge)

So we all decided that the best thing was for Jackie to have some space and for Pammy here to work on herself, which she’s been doing by staying with us. And that’s the whole story, Midgie.

**MIDGE:**

(glaring at Pam)

Uh-huh. And is “Pammy” done with the maple syrup?

_When Pam doesn’t say anything, Bob reaches for the syrup._

**PAM:**

Bob, are you planning to give “Midgie” that syrup?

**MIDGE:**

(sarcastic)

Oh, wow, I can see she’s really done a lot of work on herself, Bob.

**PAM:**

As if part of that isn’t learning to appreciate the things a man and a woman share every morning, the things that stands for everything they are together!

**MIDGE:**

Well, in that case, it’s no wonder Bob and I are divorced, because the way he eats waffles, it’s a miracle you even have any syrup left!

_Donna enters._

**DONNA** :

How’s it going?

**MIDGE:**

Your father's an ass.

**PAM:**

Well, something we agree on.

**BOB:**

(to Donna)

It's not going that well.


	35. J/H 7-01: Time is On My Side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go - home stretch. In this timeline, Season 7 is the last.
> 
> We're starting out simple - a basic continuity correction to wrap up Jackie living in the hotel and Pam living with Bob. As always with the partial scripts, *** separate scenes, and context should be clear for those who have seen the episodes (but just in case - these are rewrites/replacements for every scene relating to the Bob/Pam/Midge triangle.) And, this being the first episode of a season, I couldn't resist imagining another new set of opening credits (though realistically, this may have been saved for Episode 2, to save the surprise of Donna's hair.)

**MAIN TITLES**

**INT. VISTA CRUISER – NIGHT**

_A) The gang out on the road. Eric drives, with Donna next to him and Hyde in the passenger’s seat. Behind him sits Jackie, then Fez, then Kelso._

**THEME SONG:**

_Hangin’ out..._

_B) Donna drives, with Eric next to her, his arm around the back of her seat. Hyde and Jackie sit together behind the passenger’s seat, Hyde’s arm around Jackie._

**THEME SONG:**

_Down the street..._

_C) Kelso drives, with Fez next to him and Hyde in the passenger’s seat._

**THEME SONG:**

_The same old thing..._

_D) Red drives, with Eric next to him and Kitty in the passenger’s seat, holding Schatzi. Behind her sits Hyde, then Bob, then Donna._

**THEME SONG:**

_We did last week..._

_E) Fez drives, with Jackie next to him and Hyde in the passenger’s seat. Behind him sits Eric, then Donna, then Kelso. Jackie leans into Fez as the gang sing along._

**THEME SONG:**

_Not a thing to do..._

_F) Red drives, with his arm around Kitty next to him. Bob sits behind the passenger’s seat, smiling and looking out the window as he sings along._

**THEME SONG:**

_But talk to you..._

_G) Jackie drives, with Hyde next to her and Kelso in the passenger’s seat. Behind him sits Fez, then Donna, then Eric._

**THEME SONG:**

_We’re all alright!_

_H) Eric drives, with Donna next to him and Hyde in the passenger’s seat. Behind him sits Jackie, then Fez, then Kelso._

**THEME SONG:**

_We’re all alright!_

_I) The creators’ license plate, a 1978 sticker in the corner._

**HYDE (v.o.):**

Hello, Wisconsin!

*******

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY**

_KITTY makes sandwiches on the stovetop. JACKIE watches from her perch on the island. RED roots around in the fridge._

_ERIC enters through the patio door and strolls over to Kitty._

**ERIC:**

Hello.

_He picks up a sandwich, but Red crosses to him before he can take a bite._

**RED:**

Oh-ho, what are you doing with that sandwich? I thought that we established that you needed a plan.

**ERIC:**

Oh, I've got a plan. Donna is gonna work full-time at the radio station and rededicate herself to feminism.

**KITTY:**

(scoffs)

Feminists. Equal pay's fine, but put a little lipstick on.

_Jackie nods in agreement._

**ERIC:**

Whatever.

(to Red)

Anyway, that's the plan. We came up with it this morning.

**RED:**

That's Donna's plan. What's your plan?

**ERIC:**

My plan... is to support Donna's plan. Thought you had me there, didn't you?

_Red snatches the sandwich from his hands._

**RED:**

Get out.

**ERIC:**

Fine. But know this - I will have my fried chicken.

**JACKIE:**

And maybe while you’re getting it, you can find an outfit that doesn’t make you look like a dweeb.

(Eric glares at her)

Sorry - bigger dweeb.

_Eric looks ready to retort, but instead turns heel and exits into the living room._

_Jackie hops off the island and helps herself to a sandwich, ignoring Red’s glare._

**RED:**

You know, Jackie, Steven’s downstairs. You could go eat with him. Or you could go back to your hotel, where I don’t have to pay for the food.

(Jackie doesn’t move)

What I’m saying is – you get out too.

**JACKIE:**

But I had to help Donna with her hair, and my mom’s having lunch over here with Bob and she asked me to join them. And, I don’t like being in the hotel when Steven isn’t working but the bellboy from New Jersey is. He’s like Fez, but he has keys to everywhere.

**KITTY:**

Bob’s bringing Pam? I thought he and Midge were coming over. Oh, is he still trying to date them both like some kind of gigolo?

**JACKIE:**

(nods)

It’s like _Three’s Company_ gone wrong, except only one of them’s good-looking.

_BOB and MIDGE enter through the patio door._

**BOB:**

Hey, everybody, I think you know my date and former wife Midge.

**MIDGE:**

Bob, they know me.

(to Red & Kitty)

It's me. Midge!

**KITTY:**

So, does this mean you two are back together?

**BOB:**

Well, we've been talking things over, and we're pretty close to working things out.

_PAM stomps in through the patio door._

**PAM:**

What is going on here?

**BOB:**

Pam!

**MIDGE:**

(grabs Bob’s arm)

Back off! He's mine!

**PAM:**

(to Bob)

That is not what you said to me in bed last night.

**MIDGE:**

(to Pam)

Well, you should have heard what he said to me last night in the hot tub.

**PAM:**

(to Bob)

You told me that you got up to get an ice cream cone

**BOB:**

(to Pam)

I don't know why you're upset. I wasn't gone that long.

**JACKIE:**

(beat)

So... who’s hungry?

_Her interjection does nothing to ease the tension. Pam and Midge both glower at Bob, who looks back and forth between them._

*******

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – DAY**

_The aftermath of lunch. Red sits in his chair, and Kitty and Jackie sit on the couch, all of them watching Midge and Pam continue to pressure Bob._

**PAM:**

All right, Bob, this situation with the three of us in the same house clearly isn’t working.

**RED:**

For example – you can’t even have this fight over there.

**BOB:**

(to Pam & Midge)

Look, I don’t think it’s that bad. I mean, I’ve tried a lot of things over the years with the ladies - hot tubs, wife swapping, drug use, jogging. All things considered, things are going pretty well.

**MIDGE:**

They’re not going well for me, Bob.

**PAM:**

(to Midge)

There, you see? We have something we agree on.

(to Bob)

Now, you decide right now whether you want to throw away everything we’ve worked for together over the last few months.

**JACKIE:**

I thought the whole point of you living with the Pinciottis was to work on yourself so we could go home.

**PAM:**

Yeah, sure, whatever.

_She waves off Jackie’s remark, her eyes never leaving Bob. Jackie and Kitty share a look, and Red rolls his eyes, as the ladies keep staring down a sweating Bob._

*******

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – EVENING**

_It’s just Pam left who’s imposing on the Formans. She paces up and down, while Red still sits in his chair and Kitty still sits on the couch._

**PAM:**

(to Kitty)

Thank you so much for hearing me out about Bob. It’s so warm and friendly. You simply must teach me how to be like that.

**KITTY:**

Well, Pamala, I would just hate to see you throw the last few months away.

**PAM:**

I know I was living there to work on myself. But Bob is such a sweet guy and I really love him.

**RED:**

Are you kidding? If Bob’s eyes ever go, you’d be dating Mr. Magoo.

**PAM:**

(beat)

Well... he’s still rich, isn’t he?

**KITTY:**

(to Pam)

I think what my husband is trying to say is that now that Midge is back, that shattered family has a chance to reunite. Donna needs her mother, and Jackie needs a home, not a hotel room. And I think if you step aside and let Bob and Midge get back together, it will really show Jackie that you’ve learned to put family needs ahead of your own, and then you two can go home as mother and daughter.

**RED:**

What my wife’s trying to say is: you should leave and take the loud one with you.

_Pam looks confused; Kitty, irritated._

*******

**INT. PINCIOTTI KITCHEN – EVENING**

_Eric and DONNA are at the kitchen table, with a first aid kit between them. Jackie watches from the island as Donna patches up a scrape on Eric’s forehead._

**ERIC:**

You know what? Falling off that water tower was a sign. The minute I stopped working hard, I accomplished exactly what I needed to do.

(holds up ring)

I found the ring.

**JACKIE:**

And if you're gonna land on a diamond, it's best to land on the smallest one ever made.

**ERIC:**

Well, I'm afraid your schoolyard insults have no power here, child.

(stands)

I'm a whole new me. Tougher, braver and LOUDER! I'm gonna tell my dad what's what and get my gosh-darn fried chicken.

_He exits out into the backyard._

_Pam enters, suitcase in hand._

**JACKIE:**

Mom, where are you going?

**PAM:**

Well, I’ve been doing some thinking, and I’ve realized that I don’t belong here anymore. I’m heading back home.

**DONNA:**

Wait – you’re leaving?

**PAM:**

I just finished talking it over with Bob, and we agree that it’s for the best.

(offers Donna her hand)

Goodbye, Donna. I know we haven’t become the best of friends –

**DONNA:**

We haven’t become any kind of friends.

**PAM:**

(beat)

And I’m sure those boyish manners will serve you well in radio. And I’m glad your mother’s home for you.

_Despite the earlier insult, Donna does shake Pam’s hand. Jackie’s hand goes to her heart at the “mother” line._

**PAM (cont’d):**

(to Jackie)

And, honey... well, I won’t deny, it’s a little scary, being on my own, but... well, if you ever feel ready to come home, I’ll be waiting for you.

**JACKIE:**

(beat)

You know what? I think I am ready. Mom, I would love to come home with you.

_She hops off the island and embraces her mom._

**PAM:**

Oh, I’m so happy to hear you say that, honey. You're the only one who can explain things to the maid.


	36. J/H 7-17: Down the Road Apiece

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We assume that 7-02 through 7-16 play out in this timeline the same as they do in the show as-is. That's right - the break-up, and the reasons for it, still happen. I know those aren't favorites for some fans, but I really do think that Hyde regressing under the pressures of life, Jackie wanting commitment, and the resulting break-up are all plausible. The J/H material in the following episodes is also pretty good, and some of the better writing of the season. The execution was sloppy in places, and there are individual jokes I don't like, but I just couldn't justify adding additional episodes to my rewrite list based on those patches when I think the overall story is solid.
> 
> What isn't solid is the way that Jackie and Hyde get back together, which is ridiculous on multiple levels. That brings us to this episode, and this partial rewrite that covers all of their scenes...
> 
> (NOTE: As with the previous date changes, this doesn't solve anything re. continuity issues, but we assume that, in this timeline, the show has been in 1978 from 5-10, "The Crunge" [going by production order] to 7-13, "Can't You Hear Me Knocking," when it finally changes over to 1979.)

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY**

_A truncated gang hanging out. HYDE reads in his chair, JACKIE reads on the couch, and KELSO and FEZ rummage around in the shelves under the stairs._

**JACKIE:**

You know, Steven, it's great we can still hang out. We're kinda like Sonny and Cher. We're together even though we've broken up. I'm beautiful. You're weird-looking.

_Seeing them talk, Fez nudges Kelso._

**FEZ:**

(whisper)

Look, they're talking. Maybe they will...

_He mimes lovelorn expressions, a passionate embrace, and a vulgar make-out._

**KELSO:**

(whisper)

Nah. See, with Jackie, on the first break-up, you need a guy friend to get her back together with her man. Same goes for the second, which they’re on now. On the third break-up, that guy friend becomes the new man.

**FEZ:**

(whisper)

Really?

(to Hyde & Jackie)

So, are you two ready to kiss and make up?

_Kelso slaps Fez upside the head. He takes him by the shoulders and steers him to the stairs._

**KELSO:**

Okay, we’re going upstairs. We gotta... we gotta... we gotta take a shower.

**FEZ:**

Together?

_He seems more intrigued than repulsed. Kelso shakes off any repulsion of his own and pushes Fez all the way up the stairs._

_Hyde continues reading, but Jackie looks around the otherwise empty room._

**JACKIE:**

Wow. You know, I think this is the first time we've been alone together since, uh...

_She trails off. Hyde doesn’t look up._

**HYDE:**

Yeah.

**JACKIE:**

Well, maybe we can use this opportunity to touch base about our feelings.

_That gets his attention. Hyde sets his magazine down and looks right at Jackie._

**HYDE:**

Or we can watch TV.

**JACKIE:**

Great! Oh, I love TV.

_Hyde stands, flicks on the TV, and sits back down._

**TV (aud. only):**

_Oh, Janie, it's so hard to be in the same room with you, because even though I'm a rough ne'er-do-well, my love for you burns like a fire deep in my soul._

_Hyde looks to Jackie._

**TV (aud. only):**

_I feel the same, Clyde, and even though we broke up because you won't marry me, I still hope that one day we'll get back together._

_Jackie looks to Hyde._

**HYDE:**

What are the chances of that?

*******

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY**

_Later in the day. Jackie and Hyde haven’t moved from their seats. The soap opera is still playing on the TV; Janie and Clyde are still sorting things out._

**CLYDE (aud. only):**

_Janie, we couldn’t possibly get back together. Not as long as you insist on trying to plan for the future, when neither of us can know what it has in store._

**JANIE (aud. only):**

_Oh, Clyde, I know that’s just your fear of commitment talking, and your lack of confidence in your own potential._

**HYDE:**

(to Jackie)

Is this from that public access station you work at? ‘Cause this is starting to sound like one of those lame romance plays you wrote for your English project.

**JACKIE:**

No. But whoever wrote this obviously knows what they’re talking about.

**JANIE (aud. only):**

_You’ve let a lifetime of poverty and rejection beat any expectations for life out of you, and now you’re letting fear and pride drive away your one chance at happiness, you scruffy drifter!_

**JACKIE:**

(points to TV)

See?

_Hyde shifts in his seat, avoiding Jackie’s smirk._

**CLYDE (aud. only):**

_What would anyone so young and so swept up in their own fantasy world know of life and happiness? Your wealth and your demanding nature have won you everything in life, but you won’t make me fall to your whims so easily, you spoiled brat!_

_Now it’s Jackie’s turn to shift, and Hyde’s to smirk._

**HYDE:**

You called it, Clyde.

**JACKIE:**

Oh, like he knows what she’s thinking.

**HYDE:**

Oh, and you do?

**JACKIE:**

Well, you don’t. You don’t know what anybody’s thinking, because you never listen.

**HYDE:**

Hey, maybe if you talked about something other than how to keep your hair from getting tangled up in hoop earrings, I might pay attention.

**JACKIE:**

(beat)

That was a segment on my show last night. Have you been watching my show?

**HYDE:**

(beat)

No... Mrs. Forman was watching. I was just in the room. For thirty minutes.

_He pointedly avoids Jackie’s touched look, keeping his eyes locked on the TV._  
  


*******

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT**

_Is this the longest soap opera ever, or what? Clyde and Janie are still arguing, and Hyde and Jackie are still watching._

**JANIE (aud. only):**

_You reckless, immature man!_

**CLYDE (aud. only):**

_You mad, impulsive woman!_

**JANIE (aud. only):**

_We can never be together!_

**CLYDE (aud. only):**

_I’ve never agreed with you more!_

_Slowly, Hyde and Jackie turn to look at each other._

**JANIE (aud. only):**

_Oh, Clyde, I didn’t mean it!_

**CLYDE (aud. only):**

_Neither did I, darling!_

_Hyde and Jackie’s heads snap back to the TV._

**JANIE (aud. only):**

_Your uncouth manners and run-ins with the law may disturb my family, and may have frightened me when we first met, but I’ve seen the diamond in the rough. I’ve never had a wiser teacher, a more tireless protector, or a more passionate lover._

**CLYDE (aud. only):**

_And your life of privilege and entitlement may make you a symbol of everything I rebel against, but you’re not the shallow socialite you claim you want to be. You are the truest friend my stepbrother Alec’s fiancée has, and no one has been as open, as honest, or as loving to me as you have._

_While their heads remain turned to the TV, Hyde and Jackie’s eyes flick to each other._

**JANIE (aud. only):**

_But you still refuse to marry me!_

**CLYDE (aud. only):**

_And you still can’t accept what we have now!_

**JANIE (aud. only):**

_Oh, Clyde, how can we get past this? How?_

**CLYDE (aud. only):**

_HOW?_

_Hyde and Jackie lean forward in rapt attention._

**ANNOUNCER (aud. only):**

_Will Janie and Clyde find their way back together? Or will they remain forever divided by fear and pride? Find out next week on MOON OVER TIP TOWN!_

_Hyde and Jackie fall back into their seats, deflated._

_Fez bursts out from the shower and leans against the back of the couch. He is so focused on the TV, he doesn’t even notice the jump he gives Hyde and Jackie._

**FEZ:**

NO! Next week? I cannot wait that long!

**JACKIE:**

Fez? How long have you been in the shower?

**FEZ:**

I snuck in fifteen minutes ago when Janie and Clyde had the fight about the nurse.

(sniffles)

Oh, how am I supposed to find out how to get you two back together now? And who knows when they’ll get to the storyline when you break up again?

(looks up to God)

When? When is it Fez’s turn?

_Halfway to tears, he turns and runs up the stairs. A baffled Jackie looks to Hyde, who just shakes his head and stands to turn off the TV._

*******

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT**

_Hyde and Jackie are still in their seats. The TV is off and the magazines are on the coffee table. Only awkward silence pervades, until:_

**HYDE:**

(sighs)

Much as I’d like to let the psychic soap opera do it for us next Friday, maybe we should talk, man.

**JACKIE:**

Why? Nothing’s changed. Nothing but...

**HYDE:**

But what?

**JACKIE:**

But... well, I thought I couldn’t be with you if you wouldn’t commit, but I hate being without you either. I don’t know how we can get past this.

**HYDE:**

(beat)

You know, Forman and Donna are doing that thing where they don’t talk about what they are. You know, no labels.

**JACKIE:**

Steven, I’m not Donna. I’m all about labels. Perfect nails, best legs, shiniest hair – that’s just three that fit me like glove. But I also want to know what we are, or at least what we’re going to be in the future.

**HYDE:**

Can’t that wait until the future gets here? Man, you’re still in high school, you’ve just started your show, you don’t know where it’s going, and I’m still new to this record store thing. We’re not going anywhere in a hurry.

**JACKIE:**

Things aren’t going to be like that forever, Steven.

**HYDE:**

Well, until they change... I mean, I’m not doing great without our weekly bedroom tiff-and-tumble either.

**JACKIE:**

Those are hot.

(sighs)

Okay.

_She gives Hyde a small smile, and he gives it back. Jackie takes his hand in hers, then crosses over to his lap. They begin to make out._

_Fez appears at the top of the stairs. Seeing Jackie and Hyde go at it, he looks up to God._

**FEZ:**

And they get back together on their own? If they didn’t put on such a quality show, I would curse you!

_He shakes his head and pouts, even as he turns back to the lovin’._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Those of you who follow the Zen3to5 Tumblr may have seen 7-07, "Mother's Little Helper," on the list of episodes getting re-written. It was; things didn't work out, so it got cut from the line-up. I consider that a failure on my part; one thing about the set-up to Jackie and Hyde's break-up that I don't like is that Jackie's desire for commitment and adulthood, while plausible, only pops up when it's needed for the plot. The planned 7-07 rewrite would've ditched Jackie and Donna's fight storyline (a really terrible running gag) to provide some build-up to Jackie's attitude in "Winter" and "Don't Lie to Me." But 7-07 was the last episode I put on my list. Everything else had at least been outlined, if not in a drafting stage for key scenes. When it came time to sit down and actually work on 7-07, events in my personal life made enthusiasm for one more episode hard to come by. Working, as I am, on a self-imposed deadline for this project, I had to cut 7-07 to press ahead and finish what I'd already planned.
> 
> Bottom line - if this section of the rewrite feels lacking, with how little has been changed, there's some reason behind that, and I apologize. Hopefully, what's to come is satisfying for everyone who's been reading along - and I appreciate all of you who have, very much.


	37. J/H 7-20: Gimme Shelter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've said all along that this rewrite is only concerned with the Jackie/Hyde material, especially for everything post-Season 5. That's going to be relaxed from here on out; with Season 7 serving as the series finale in this timeline, there are more adjustments to be made, and they start here with changes to how Eric arrives at his teaching career. But there's Zen here too, as the mess that was Jackie's graduation party gets replaced with something else...
> 
> (We assume that 7x18 and 7x19 play out as we know them from the show in this timeline.)

**SHOW TITLE**

_MUSIC NOTE: “Oh Well” by the Rockets._

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT**

_The gang hanging out. HYDE and FEZ rummage through the deep freeze, JACKIE writes in a notebook in Hyde’s chair, ERIC and DONNA share the couch, and KELSO sits in the lawn chair._

_Jackie finishes off her writing with a firm dotting of a period and sets her pencil and paper down._

**JACKIE** :

And – done! That’s my last high school assignment. I’m all set for graduation this Friday.

**ERIC** :

I can’t believe I graduated a year ago. It’s like, I feel like I’ve done nothing. Man, time really flies when you take two naps a day.

**DONNA:**

Well, I wouldn’t say you’ve done nothing. I mean, you’ve... wow, you’ve really sat on your ass.

_Hyde and Fez emerge from the deep freeze, popsicles in hand._

**HYDE** :

Yup, Forman, we’ve all passed you by. I’m running a record store, Donna’s a DJ, Kelso’s a cop – even Fez has a job now.

(to Fez)

What is it again, man? Uh, shower girl? Make-up lady?

**FEZ** :

Shampoo boy!

**HYDE** :

(beat)

Eh, I was close.

_He crosses to his chair and pats Jackie on the back. She stands up, lets him sit in the chair, and sits in his lap._

**ERIC:**

Wait a second – does this mean I’m the loser of the group now?

**KELSO** :

You are the one that’s still living with your mommy.

**ERIC** :

Man, you’re still living with your mommy.

**KELSO** :

Not for long. Me and Fez are looking for apartments. Then the only time I’ll see my mom is when she’s doing my laundry, cooking my meals, taking me to the dentist...

_He trails off there._

**JACKIE** :

Oh, Eric, I feel kinda bad. I mean, you wouldn’t even be thinking about this kind of stuff if you weren’t caught in the blinding light of my bright future.

**FEZ** :

You know, the scary thing is, if one year went by this fast, imagine where Eric is gonna be in ten years...

_He looks up, the camera tracks in, and we transition to:_

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY**

_FANTASY SEQUENCE._

_TITLE CARD 1: Eric’s crappy future._

_TITLE CARD 2: Ten years later._

_The Vista Cruiser comes into park. A grinning Eric steps out in full Mr. Spock costume, complete with ears. A thoroughly done Donna, in Uhura costume and wig, steps out from the passenger’s side._

**ERIC** :

Thanks for going with me to the _Star Trek_ convention – Uhura.

**DONNA** :

You can call me Donna now.

_Without another word, she walks down the street._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT**

_Back to reality. Fez giggles at his scenario, as does everyone but Eric._

**KELSO** :

That’s good, Fez. But I think it’s gonna be more like this...

_He looks up, the camera tracks in, and we transition to:_

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY**

_FANTASY SEQUENCE. The Vista Cruiser comes into park. A grinning Eric steps out in full Luke Skywalker costume, complete with lightsaber. A thoroughly done Donna, in Leia costume and hair, steps out from the passenger’s side._

**ERIC** :

Thanks for going with me to the _Star Wars_ convention – Leia.

**DONNA** :

You can call me Donna now.

_Without another word, she walks down the street._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT**

_Back to reality. Kelso grins at his scenario, as does everyone but Eric._

**HYDE** :

Nah, man. You’re both wrong. Actually, it’s gonna go like this...

_He and Jackie look up, the camera tracks in, and we transition to:_

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY**

_FANTASY SEQUENCE. The Vista Cruiser comes into park. A grinning Eric steps out in full Luke Skywalker costume, complete with lightsaber. A thoroughly done KITTY, in Leia costume and hair, steps out from the passenger’s side._

**ERIC** :

Thanks for going with me to the _Star Wars_ convention – Leia.

**KITTY** :

You can call me Mom now.

_Without another word, she heads back into the house._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT**

_Back to reality. Hyde and Jackie nod along to the scenario, as does everyone but Eric, who scrambles over the back of the couch._

**ERIC** :

Whoa!

**DONNA** :

Eric, they’re joking around. It’s funny.

**ERIC** :

No, Donna, it’s not funny! In fact – it’s completely possible!

_He turns and races up the stairs._

**MAIN CREDITS**

*******

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY**

_The next day. The guys play cards while Donna reads in the lawn chair. Hyde, Eric, and Fez share the couch while Kelso sits backwards in Hyde’s chair._

**KELSO** :

(to Eric)

So, gonna be a chiropractor, huh? All right, every chick patient that you have, you have to tell her the problem is her tailbone. That way, you get to grab around on her butt.

**ERIC** :

Kelso, I’m doing this ‘cause I wanna help people. A handful of ass is just a perk.

_The basement door opens and Jackie enters, box in hand._

**JACKIE** :

Hello, everyone. It is I, the light of all your lives and the newest arrival to the glorious world of adulthood.

(sets box on coffee table)

Michael, I remember how much you like playing with my equestrian figurine collection, so since I’m a mature woman now, these are for you.

_Fez reaches inside the box and lifts up a plastic toy horse. The guys all glare at Kelso, who shifts in his chair._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

God, I cannot wait to graduate tomorrow. Classes are done and I finally know everything. Now it’s nothing but dinner parties, LoPP fundraisers, summers in Morocco, holidays in Paris...

**DONNA** :

Um, what about earning a degree, paying the bills, finding a place to live – you know, the _responsibilities_ of being an adult?

**JACKIE** :

Okay, Donna, you’re forgetting one very important difference between most people and me – I grew up rich. I get things.

_Donna rolls her eyes as Jackie crosses to sit on the back of the couch behind Hyde._

_Kitty enters from the staircase, a newspaper in hand._

**KITTY** :

Michael, I circled some apartment listings for you and Fez.

(to the gang)

I found a great apartment for Janet Myers after her divorce. It has a murphy bed for when her kids come to visit. They never do. She’s in AA.

_She exits up the stairs._

_Kelso reviews the circled listings._

**KELSO** :

Look at all these places for rent. I hope we can find one that’s got everything my baby needs.

**FEZ** :

Oh, Kelso, you’re always putting me first.

**KELSO** :

Not you, moron! Betsy, my daughter. It’s amazing how one tiny person has changed my life so much.

**FEZ** :

You changed mine, too.

_Kelso’s out of insults; he just gives Fez a long stare._

*******

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY**

_The next morning – the day of Jackie’s graduation, before school. She and Hyde eat breakfast on the island as RED, Kitty, Fez, and Kelso do the same at the table. Breakfast is eggs for everyone, with plates of toast and sausages in the middle. With one sausage left, Red and Fez both reach for it with their forks. Fez takes it._

**FEZ** :

Too slow, old man.

**KELSO** :

Fez, if you’re not polite, he’s gonna figure out you’re living here.

_Red drops his fork and glares at Fez._

**RED:**

You’re living here?

**KELSO** :

Oh, great. You blew it, Fez!

**KITTY** :

Red, he has nowhere else to go.

_Red stands._

**RED** :

(to Fez)

Well, know this, Pele: you gotta sleep some time. And during the war, when they were sleeping – that’s when I got ‘em.

_He exits out the patio door._

**KITTY** :

(to Fez)

Well, that wasn’t too bad. He called you “Pele.” He is a terrific soccer player.

_She takes her plate, stands, and crosses to the sink._

_Fez and Kelso lean in toward each other._

**FEZ** :

What do we do now?

**KELSO** :

I don’t know, man. That apartment was the only one we’ve found that’ll work for you, me, and Betsy.

**FEZ:**

We could try that room above the barber shop.

**KELSO:**

No, we can’t.

**FEZ:**

Why not?

**KELSO:**

Because there’s no way Mr. Lucania’s gonna let out a room to the guy he found hiding in his daughter’s closet. Or the guy he found in her bed. With her. Five times, senior year.

_Jackie, who has been watching and listening with Hyde throughout the scene, sits up straight._

**JACKIE** :

Wow. You guys are really struggling with all those adult responsibilities Donna was talking about. And Michael, you’re good-looking, but it doesn’t seem like it’s helping you at all.

**KELSO** :

Yeah. I’m afraid you’re gonna find as you get out into the real world that there are some things a bitchin’ bod just won’t fix.

**JACKIE** :

(gasps)

Oh, God!

_She clasps a hand over her mouth. Kelso nods gravely and turns back to his conversation with Fez._

*******

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY**

_Still morning, still before school. THE BRADY BUNCH plays on the TV. Hyde sits in his chair with Jackie in his lap while Donna remains on the couch, her neck still crooked. Eric retrieves a popsicle from the deep freeze and moves to join her on the couch._

**ERIC** :

(to Donna)

How’re you doing, my little buttercup?

**DONNA** :

Great. _The Brady Bunch_ is so much funnier sideways.

**JACKIE** :

Oh, God, Eric, you ruined her. Donna can’t even stand up straight now. And that’s real important for a lumberjack.

**ERIC** :

Hey, it’s not that bad. I’m sure chiropractor Forman can tend to my crooked little flower here.

**DONNA** :

You know, Eric, calling me cute little nicknames doesn’t make up for what you did.

**ERIC** :

Hey, whatever you say, my little crazy straw.

**JACKIE** :

Wow, this disaster just came out of nowhere, didn’t it? I mean, one minute Donna’s fine, the next some scrawny would-be quack’s turned her into a human pretzel. And Eric – Eric thought he found a career he’d be good at, which he obviously isn’t.

(to Hyde)

What if my TV show goes the same way? What if I’m no good? Or what if something awful happens to me out of nowhere, like a car crash or a gray hair? Donna was right – there _is_ a downside to being an adult. Why was I in such a rush to grow up? I’m so short, I could’ve kept passing for a kid for years if I hadn’t talked such a big game about becoming an adult!

**HYDE** :

Look, Jackie -

**JACKIE** :

No, Steven! The graduation ceremony is in three hours, and I’ve just realized I’m not ready at all! I can’t do this!

_She lets out a scream and dashes into Hyde’s room._

**HYDE** :

(to Eric)

Red still got that crowbar in the garage? ‘Cause that’s the only way we’re getting her out of there.

_Eric gives a sarcastic shrug as Donna rolls her eyes._

*******

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT**

_That evening. Eric sits on the back of the couch on one end, Fez sits in the seat on the other, and Kelso sits in the lawn chair._

**KELSO** :

Well, Red convinced Fenton to give us the apartment!

_He and Fez share a low five._

**FEZ** :

Yeah, and Red seemed so happy. All the way home, he just kept looking at us and laughing.

**KELSO** :

Yeah, I’m pretty sure Red told Fenton that we knew a lot of chicks, ‘cause Fenton kept checking me out, like he could tell that I knew a lot of chicks.

_The door opens, and BOB leads Donna inside. Her neck is still crooked._

**BOB** : 

Eric, I can’t believe that you crippled my angel, my pride and joy. It kills me, seeing her like this.

**ERIC** :

Then why are you bringing her over here?

**BOB** :

Oh, I got a date. I met a lady at the open house. She’s got crow’s feet, but she works in the sandwich shop, so I bent the rules.

_He exits. Donna crosses to sit by Eric on the couch._

**ERIC** :

Look, Donna, I’m so sorry about what happened. You know, I’ve been thinking about it, and I don’t think I ever really wanted to be a chiropractor. I was just, you know, grasping at straws.

**DONNA** :

I’d nod in agreement, but... you know, I’m paralyzed.

**KELSO** :

Eric, you know what I’m realizing about you? You’re not good at anything.

**FEZ** :

That’s not true, Kelso. Don’t forget butt-wiping.

**ERIC** :

Oh, you know, just once, it’d be nice if, after you get all your burns in, you guys actually tried to help. I mean, that’s what I do. I mean, I’m the one who was looking out for Hyde when his mom split. And Kelso, I was your math tutor in high school. And Fez, remember when you wanted to learn how to kiss, and I taught you by sticking M&Ms to the mirror?

_Donna and Kelso’s jaws drop. They look to Fez, who shifts in his seat._

**FEZ** :

That never happened. I know how to kiss. Ah, shut it, Eric!

**DONNA** :

(to Eric)

You know, the only reason you ended up stuck like this was because your one chance to go away to college, you gave up to take care of your family after your dad got sick. You really do try to help.

**ERIC** :

And I love doing it. I wish that could be a career.

**DONNA** :

Right. You just need a career that combines a desire to help people with a high tolerance for irrational and childish behavior.

**ERIC** : 

Or... just children. Just kids. Like at a school. Like a schoolteacher. Guys, I think I could make a good teacher!

_Before he can elaborate any further, the basement door flies open. Hyde enters, carrying Jackie in his arms. She has on a graduation cap and gown, carries her diploma in her hand, and wears a massive, spacey grin._

**JACKIE** :

Hello, adulthood! I’m Jackie Burkhart, and I’m ready for ya!

**DONNA** :

Hey, looks like someone got over her little panic episode.

**HYDE** :

Well, after you left, I went to talk to her and told her everything was gonna be fine and she was ready for graduation. But that didn’t work, so I broke out my best stuff. She’s been flying ever since.

_Jackie sweeps out her hand holding her diploma, pops one foot out, and kisses Hyde on the cheek._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

You should’ve seen her give the valedictorian address.

**DONNA** :

Jackie, you’re not your class valedictorian.

**HYDE:**

That’s why you should’ve seen it.

**ERIC** :

That’s great, Jackie. You know what? This has just been a great day all around. Jackie graduated, Kelso and Fez found an apartment, and I’ve decided I’m gonna be a teacher. That’s right, you are looking at a future Mr. Forman.

**JACKIE** :

Mr. Forman? Oh, well –

_She swings herself down from Hyde’s arms and stumbles over to Eric. She steadies herself by slapping a hand down on his shoulder._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

Since I’ve already graduated, I can tell you now – my last essay? Yeah, everything in it, I stole from Donna doing the same assignment last year.

_As well as she can, Donna turns to give Jackie an incredulous look._

**JACKIE (cont’d):**

Hey, I’ve got my diploma, I’ve got a TV show, I am woman, and I’m ready for more!

_Eric, grinning, shakes his head. Donna, Fez, and Kelso chuckle. Hyde also shakes his head and walks over to lead Jackie to his chair._

**FADE TO BLACK**


	38. J/H 7-21: 2120 So. Michigan Ave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said last time, these rewrites are now setting up for the series finale instead of just adjusting the Jackie/Hyde material, and that brings us to an episode where there is no Jackie/Hyde at all! Well, to be more specific - none of the scenes with Jackie and Hyde from this episode got rewritten. Here, Eric's situation with Casey and the gym gets a total overhaul, in preparation for what's to come with his teaching career... (the Zen will be back next time, promise.)

**SHOW TITLE**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT**

_A war zone, of sorts. The couch, the chairs, the coffee table, the floor – everything in sight is covered with potato chips, and potato chip bags lie everywhere. KELSO lies on the floor beneath the coffee table while HYDE crouches behind the turned-over lawn chair. Slowly, they stand, with ERIC and FEZ doing the same from behind the couch._

**HYDE:**

That was probably our second-best potato chip war ever.

_RED enters from the stairs. He freezes on the landing when he gets a sight of things._

**RED:**

What the hell?

**KELSO:**

(sits on couch)

We'll clean it up later, dude.

**RED:**

I'm not your "dude," and you never clean anything up.

**KELSO:**

Well, we mean to, but then we leave, and then we come back, and it's already cleaned up.

**RED:**

(to all)

You eat my food, you dirty up my house, and every time I go into a bedroom, I have to wonder about finding one of you naked with some poor girl!

**FEZ:**

Well, at least you know that if you find me naked in a room, I'm by myself.

**RED:**

All right, I want everybody who doesn't live in this house to get out now!

**KELSO:**

(stands)

You know what? You're a real bummer, man. Come on, Fez. Let's go to our new apartment, where people can do whatever they want, whenever they want. Just like the Bible says - "let my people do whatever they want."

_He and Fez exit through the basement door._

_Hyde rights the lawn chair and sits. Eric moves around the couch to stand before Red._

**RED:**

And you want to be a teacher. You – Mr. Salty Spud. Yeah, America’s got a bright future ahead of her, now that her fresh young minds are all gonna be learning from Mr. Salty Spud.

**ERIC:**

Dad, you’ve wanted me to get a plan together for my future all year. How about a little bit of support now that I have one?

**RED:**

How about a little bit of my foot in your ass? How can I believe that you’re any more serious about teaching than all the other crap you’ve tried, when I come down here and find you buried in Lay’s with the foreign kid?

**ERIC:**

Well, I am serious. I already talked to UW, they gave me a spot in the teaching college, and I found a way to get myself prepared over the summer. You know, test the waters.

_Red’s eyes narrow; he’s suspicious._

**RED:**

How?

**ERIC:**

The high school has that summer sports program for younger kids. I signed up to be an assistant coach.

_Red regards his son for a minute, then bursts into laughter, which Hyde joins in on._

**RED:**

(through laughter)

Assistant coach? _You?_ What sport could you possibly help teach?

_He and Hyde erupt again._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

What? No, I – come on, I can do this. I mean, I know the rules. I know how most sports work.

**HYDE:**

That’s true. When the wrestling team used to beat him up after gym, he knew exactly what holds they were using.

**ERIC:**

Yeah. And, you know, what is teaching if not passing on the wealth of knowledge you have about things you have no ability to do?

_Red sighs and Hyde snickers._

**MAIN CREDITS**

**BUMPER**

_MUSIC NOTE: “Welcome Back” by John Sebastian._

**INT. SCHOOL GYM – DAY**

_Summertime sports, inexplicably confined inside: the gym floor is cleared, but racks of baseball bats, ball nets, and various items of protective gear line the walls. Kids in Point Place Players T-shirts and shorts shuffle awkwardly around, quietly chatting with one another as they await the commencement of summer training. A man in a green track suit, his back to the camera, stretches in one corner._

_Eric, also dressed in T-shirt and shorts, enters with DONNA and KITTY._

**ERIC:**

All right, first day on the road to teaching. Man, I can’t wait.

(nods to kids)

I get to take all these little guys and help lead them to their futures. Which, for nine out of ten, will be menial jobs in a crappy Wisconsin town – but when that one left makes it big, I bet you he’ll remember Mr. Forman.

**DONNA:**

Okay, I’m proud of you, but you probably shouldn’t call them “little guys.” A few of them are bigger than you.

_Eric “ahs” and nods. Seeing the man stretching, he takes a step toward him and raises his hand in greeting._

**ERIC:**

Hey there, coach. Eric Forman, your new assistant, ready to play.

_The man turns around, revealing:_

**DONNA:**

Casey Kelso?

_Indeed it is. CASEY’S track suit is open, showing off the T-shirt underneath, and a whistle hangs around his neck. He’s also grown a very ‘70s – and very “gym coach” – moustache that doesn’t suit him._

**CASEY:**

Hey there, Pinciotti. Wow, look who you got with you - little Foreplay.

_He ruffles Eric’s hair._

**ERIC:**

Yep, that's me. Okay. Okay, okay!

(jerks his head back)

Okay.

**CASEY:**

And Mrs. Forman. God, you get younger every time I see you.

**KITTY:**

(swooning)

Oh, me too.

**CASEY:**

Yeah.

(to Donna)

Pinciotti, you are looking so good. You know, now I’m trying to figure out why I ever broke up with a blonde.

**DONNA:**

I was a redhead then.

**CASEY:**

Man, I gotta start paying attention. The thing is, see, I got this tendency to, uh... what's the word?

**KITTY:**

Smolder?

**DONNA:**

(to Casey)

I think the word you're looking for is ditch – bail - run away.

**CASEY:**

No, no. Oh, wait, did you say "bail?"

**KITTY:**

So, Casey, how did we get so lucky to see you here today –

(touches his arm)

A little bit sweaty? (laughs)

**CASEY:**

Well, um, I'm the coach.

**ERIC** :

No way. That's funny. It looks like a normal gym, but apparently, I've stumbled into the mouth of Hell.

**CASEY:**

Yeah, see, the regular coach needed someone to fill in, so he called the best quarterback that Point Place High ever had. And I figured, you know, the cheerleaders - they practice in here, so it'd give me a good chance to see what's gonna be on the market in a couple years.

**ERIC:**

And I have to be _your_ assistant?

**CASEY:**

Looks like it. Speaking of which, we’d better get started.

(blows whistle)

All right, kids, give me two minutes of laps around the room, go!

_He blows his whistle again. The kids scramble into their laps. Casey shakes his head as they move._

**CASEY (cont’d):**

Hustle, Weaselface! Come on, Fishhead! Hey, Two-Chin, no snacks on your laps!

**ERIC:**

Do you just have rude and demeaning nicknames for everyone?

**CASEY:**

Yeah. See, I got this thing with the kids where they tell me their names and I don’t remember ‘em.

_He blows his whistle again, driving the kids to pick up the pace, as Eric shakes his head in disbelief._

*******

**INT. SCHOOL GYM - DAY**

_It’s an interesting regiment that Casey has the kids on: with all the sports equipment available, he has everyone in a line across the gym, throwing balls at one lone kid cowering in the corner. Casey and Eric stand by the door, observing. Eric notes the fear of the victim and the reluctance of the throwers; Casey strokes his moustache, checks his watch, and casually blows the whistle._

**CASEY:**

Okay, that’s your time up, Chipmunk. Grab a ball and fall in line. Forehead, you’re next.

_The next boy in line, a skinny kid in glasses, timidly steps forward as the others gather up the balls._

**ERIC:**

(to Casey)

You nicknamed that kid “Forehead?” That’s – come on, man. That’s not even good.

**CASEY:**

Well, I’d go with “Foreplay” since his name starts with “for,” but you took that one.

**ERIC:**

Whatever. What’s the point of this game, anyway?

**CASEY:**

It’s Target, Foreplay. You have a target –

(points to Forehead)

And the point is to hit it.

**ERIC:**

Yeah, but why? I mean, a game like this is just mean. Sports should teach kids, you know, strategy and teamwork and how to deal with drunken, angry people who could never do your job telling you how you could be better at it. Come on, Casey, give them something fun to do.

_Casey looks Eric over, scoffs, and blows his whistle._

**CASEY:**

(to the kids)

Hold up there, Forehead. Y’all have a new target for Target.

**ERIC:**

Wait, new target? What’s...

QUICK CUT:

_New angle. Eric cowers in the corner as balls bombard him from all sides._

*******

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY**

_Late afternoon. Kitty and Donna are at the kitchen table, sharing a cup of tea._

_An exhausted Eric staggers in through the patio door and drops down in the empty seat at the table._

**KITTY:**

Hi, honey. How was your first day of school?

**ERIC:**

It was awful. Casey's a terrible coach. He’s just bullying those kids.

**KITTY:**

Oh, that doesn't sound like my Casey.

(beat)

I mean, the world's Casey.

**ERIC:**

Man, it's like he’s everything guys like me hate about school gym, you know? Nothing’s fun, you don’t learn anything – it’s just some botard with a whistle calling you names, throwing things at you, and walking out halfway through practice so he can check out the cheerleaders.

**DONNA:**

Eric, you signed up for this summer sports program to get started as a teacher. You’re the assistant coach. If Casey leaves, you’re in charge. Why don’t you use that time to teach the kids? You know, as long as it isn’t how to throw?

**ERIC:**

You know what? You’re right.

**KITTY:**

Well, I just can’t believe someone working at the school is taking a peek at those cheerleaders. I have half a mind to put on some lipstick and go have a talk with Casey.

_She stands, taking her cup with her. Eric and Donna share a look as she crosses to the sink._

*******

**INT. SCHOOL GYM - DAY**

_The next morning. The kids are all there, but Casey is nowhere to be found. Eric enters and looks around. One thing is obvious: no one wants to be there._

**ERIC:**

(to himself)

You know, if this teaching thing falls through and I end up working in a funeral home, it’ll probably be the same atmosphere.

(to the kids)

Okay, guys, Coach Kelso’s out... assessing the market, so – looks like I’m in charge. Now, who here’s signed up for soccer?

_No one raises their hand._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

Who here’s signed up for basketball?

_No one raises their hand._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

Who here’s dad signed them up to get them out of the house?

_Every hand goes up._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

Wow. It’s like Bizarro Superman. You know, Superman’s dad sent him to a planet with a yellow sun to give him superpowers, and ours send us to the Institute of Things We Can’t Do.

_That gets a nervous chuckle out of the kids. Eric smiles and rolls with it._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

Okay, let’s forget about the ball sports for a minute. Um... oh! Has anyone here seen _Star Wars_?

_The kids all gasp. One of them, FOREHEAD, puts his hand up._

**FOREHEAD:**

You’ve seen _Star Wars_?

**ERIC:**

(laughing)

Oh, kid – I think we’re all in for a much better day today.

_He takes a fold-up lightsaber from his pocket, extends the blade, and strikes a few poses. The kids, wide-eyed, take it all in._   
  


**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

**INT. SCHOOL GYM - DAY**

_Shortly after the previous scene. A complete turn-around in atmosphere: the kids, wearing baseball catcher’s masks for protection, are all enthusiastically practicing lightsaber combat with whiffle bats. Eric paces behind the attacking line, his lightsaber held over his shoulder._

**ERIC:**

Yes – very good, little ones. Remember –

(doing Obi-Wan)

“A Jedi can feel the Force flowing through him.”

_He chuckles and continues down the line. He pauses at one pair, where the defender keeps missing his parries._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Hey, Westley? Watch the shoulders, not the blade. You’ll see the strike coming.

(to another pair)

Fisher, try mixing up your attacks, buddy. Don’t go for the head every time.

_He makes it to the end of the line, where “Forehead” is aggressively attacking his partner._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

Whoa, Forrest, ease up. You’re not fighting Darth Vader here. You’re practicing with Biggs.

_“BIGGS” pushes his mask up._

**BIGGS:**

Coach Forman, can that be my new nickname? I hate the one Coach Kelso gave me.

**ERIC:**

What was it?

**BIGGS:**

Butthead.

**ERIC:**

Wow, he is really slipping with those.

_He indicates for “Biggs” to flip his mask back down and resume practice._

*******

**INT. SCHOOL GYM - DAY**

_Lightsabers have been set aside for now. The kids now have mats strapped to their backs – some green, some yellow. They run around the room, the greens throwing whiffle balls at the yellow mats and vice versa. A small number of kids without mats stand against the far wall. Eric watches from near the door._

_FISHER, a yellow mat, takes a hit. Eric blows his whistle._

**ERIC:**

That’s your last hit, Fisher. Your screens are down.

_Fisher shrugs off his mat._

**FORREST:**

Defensive formation!

_Forrest and two other yellow mats surround Fisher, protecting him from more whiffle balls. The other yellow mats form a line in front of them and start returning fire on the green mats._

_Donna enters. She comes up to Eric and nudges his shoulder._

**DONNA:**

What’s going on?

**ERIC:**

Oh, hey! Check it out. I’ve got the kids in teams – the Federation and the Klingon fleet. For each “ship” that survives, the winning team gets bonus points, so they have to work together to save as many ships as possible.

_A kid on the green team who’s lost his mat takes a whiffle ball to the arm. Eric blows his whistle._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

That’s one more down for the Klingons! Evacuate, Chip!

_CHIP shuffles off to join the others at the far wall._

**DONNA:**

Wow, Eric. You’ve really reached these kids. I’m so proud of you. A little embarrassed, but mostly proud.

_She and Eric smile at each other and hold hands._

_Casey enters, unnoticed by anyone. He takes a long look at the scene before him, then slaps Eric on the shoulder._

**CASEY:**

What’s all this?

**ERIC:**

I’ll tell you what this is –

_He points out to the game, where another green sheds his mat._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

That’s screens down for another Klingon. The Federation’s comin’ back!

_The yellow mats all cheer, even as the game continues. At least, it does until a scowling Casey gives a loud blow of his whistle._

**CASEY:**

Okay, kids, hustle up.

(they do so)

Coach Foreplay thinks you all should learn something from this, so here’s a free lesson: what you’re doing here’s a great way to earn yourself an ass whooping. Like you all did now. So ditch those mats and get yourselves ready for Target.

_The kids all groan. Eric, mouth agape, looks from them to Casey, and moves between them._

**ERIC:**

What? No! Come on, man. Look – none of these kids want to be here for sports, and it’s not like you were teaching them any. They all have to be here. Can’t we let them – you know, have fun? Hang out? Work on getting along and cooperating? And getting called on by their actual names? I mean – is it that hard to remember Chip?

_He points to Chip._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

Look – you obviously don’t wanna take time out from scouting future ex-girlfriends, and we’ve got a good game going here. Why don’t you just let us play?

**CASEY:**

(looks Donna over)

Well, I’m not so sure I need to be down by the cheerleaders anymore. But, uh, how about you take that nerd gibber down to summer debate prep and let somebody whip these kids into more shape than you’ve got, okay, Foreplay?

**ERIC:**

(beat)

No, okay. You want us to play Target?

_He grabs a dodge ball from one of the bags against the wall._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

Oh, we’ll play Target.

**CASEY:**

You’re gonna try and hit me with that?

**ERIC:**

Not me – her.

_He hands the ball to Donna, who drives it right into Casey’s gut. He clutches it as he bends over. Eric sweeps his arm toward the kids, “join in.” They all shed their mats, grab some balls, and lob them Casey’s way._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**CREDITS**

**INT. SCHOOL GYM – DAY**

_The end of practice. Eric, Donna, and the kids gather up all the balls scattered over the gym. As the kids fetch the balls, Donna and Eric feed them into a net._

_Donna bends over as she puts a ball in, and Eric looks over her and notices his students looking her way._

**ERIC:**

(whispers)

Hey, Donna, I think my kids are checking you out.

_Donna glances over her shoulder._

**DONNA:**

(to Eric)

No.

(beat)

You think?

_She stands, turns, and strikes a pose._

**DONNA (cont’d):**

Hi, boys.

_The kids, caught out, hastily resume gathering balls as Eric chuckles._

**END.**


	39. J/H 7-22: 2000 Light Years From Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No more partial scripts - from here on out, it's Page One rewrites until the finale.
> 
> So, Eric's been on a different track to teaching in this timeline, but is the destination any different? And what happened to Jackie and Hyde - I thought this was supposed to be a Zen rewrite? Well, read on, friends. Read on...

**SHOW TITLE**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT**

_The gang, hanging out. JACKIE ruffles around in the deep freeze, HYDE reads a magazine in his chair, and DONNA and FEZ watch TV from the couch._

_KELSO enters from the basement door and throws himself down in the lawn chair._

**KELSO:**

Okay, I'm breaking up with Angie. All we have anymore is hot sex.

**FEZ:**

Hot sex? All I have is hot soup. Can't make love to that. Too damn hot.

**DONNA:**

So, Kelso, you gonna break up with her your usual way - send a note saying you got kidnapped by kung fu robots?

**KELSO:**

No, it won't work with her. She doesn't even believe in kung fu robots. Just gonna have to talk to her.

**DONNA:**

Wow, Kelso. I thought your usual Plan B was to have one of us tell the girl you're dead. And then when she eventually sees you, you have us tell her you're a ghost.

_Jackie crosses across the room to stand behind Kelso._

**JACKIE:**

Michael, why don't you do what you did with me: toilet paper my house!

_She smacks him upside the head, then steps back to lean on the door._

**KELSO:**

I can't do that to Angie. I respect her too much 'cause she agreed to have sex with me so fast.

_ERIC enters from the stairs. He has a stack of papers in his hand and a glum look on his face._

**ERIC:**

Hey! Bad news.

**KELSO:**

Your mom changed her mind about making blueberry cobbler?

**FEZ:**

No, she made it. I would know – I ate it. All of it.

_Eric, ignoring them, jumps over the back of the couch to sit next to Donna. He throws the papers down on the coffee table._

**ERIC:**

No. I’ve been working on a budget, and I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to pay for college.

**DONNA:**

Didn’t your parents hang on to your college money after you had to stay home the last time?

**ERIC:**

Yeah, but – see, remember how I sold your engagement ring to pay for my year off?

**JACKIE:**

How could we forget? Donna made jewelry history – the world’s smallest diamond for the world’s worst wedding.

**ERIC:**

Well, the pawn shop must have thought so too, because it turns out what you get for a used engagement ring isn’t enough to support yourself for a year – even _with_ living at home with your mommy. And after calling her “mommy” and going to a macramé class, my mom turned over my college account to me without telling Red. I started using that money to get by, and now there’s not enough left to pay for college.

**DONNA:**

Eric, don't worry. There are plenty of ways to get money for school.

**HYDE:**

Yeah, man. You could always get a football scholarship.

**JACKIE:**

Hey, look, he weighs about as much as a football, and people do like to kick him.

_She crosses the room to sit in Hyde’s lap, stopping to pat Eric on the shoulder on the way._

**FEZ:**

(to Eric)

I know what you should do. You should go to Hollywood and become the next Gene Wilder. That guy's a laugh riot.

**JACKIE:**

You know, Eric, we all had to meet with the guidance counselor before the end of high school to talk about college. Maybe you should go see him.

**DONNA:**

Yeah. Finding money for college is what high school guidance counselors do.

**HYDE:**

Yeah, they also spend a lot of time staring at themselves in the mirror saying, "I can't believe I'm a high school guidance counselor."

**ERIC:**

The high school guidance counselor? Who is that? Is that still Mr. Bray?

(Jackie nods)

I don't know about Mr. Bray. I don't think he really liked me. One time I told him I was being bullied, and he just said, "what'd you expect?"

**JACKIE:**

Look, Eric, Mr. Bray asked to see me tomorrow about an opportunity for my public access show. Why don’t you come with me to my appointment? I’m sure he’ll help. He loves me. In almost entirely appropriate ways.

_Hyde gives Jackie a look; she looks back and shrugs._

**KELSO:**

Hey, people, how’d we get side-tracked? We’re forgetting what’s really important here – how I’m gonna break up with Angie.

**HYDE:**

(to Kelso)

Look, I don't care how you do it. I'm just happy you won't be violating my sister anymore.

**KELSO:**

Yeah, I know you hated it, Hyde. I would have broken up with her sooner if I didn't find it so hilarious.

_Hyde crumples up his magazine and chucks it at Kelso, beaning him in the head._

**KELSO (cont’d):**

You be nice, or I _will_ marry her.

**MAIN CREDITS**

**BUMPER**

**INT. GROOVES - DAY**

_The next morning. A brisk business at Grooves. Customers peruse the crates. Hyde and ANGIE keep an eye on things from the listening pit as they talk._

**ANGIE** :

Jackie’s getting some kind of offer about her show? Why? Her last episode was a half-hour about which high heels Olivia Newton-John would wear if she was ever a guest star on _Charlie’s Angels_.

**HYDE** :

Hey, it was better than the one about how Jack Nicholson should do his hair.

**ANGIE** :

How?

**HYDE** :

Because she didn’t spend all week trying to get me to stand in for Jack Nicholson.

**ANGIE** :

So – any idea what the offer is?

**HYDE** :

No.

**ANGIE** :

Do you know if Jackie’s been looking at colleges?

**HYDE** :

No.

**ANGIE** :

Have you two talked about your future at all since you got back together?

**HYDE** :

Angie, I didn’t talk, plan, or think about my future for eighteen years. You know what that got me?

(she shakes her head)

A cool black dad and a record store. Why start planning now?

_He heads to the register._

_Kelso and Fez enter through the door. They stop when they see Angie, who is helping a customer._

**KELSO:**

(to Fez)

Okay. I can do this. I'm just gonna tell Angie that things are fizzling between us, and we should end it.

_Angie sees them, smiles, and walks over._

**ANGIE:**

(to Kelso)

Hey, how's it going, sweets?

**FEZ:**

Not bad, toots.

_Angie and Kelso both give him a look._

**FEZ (cont’d):**

(to Angie)

Oh, him. Go.

_He waves Angie over to Kelso._

**KELSO:**

(to Angie)

Okay. Well, um, we need to talk about something. This might be kind of hard to take.

(beat)

Fez still wets the bed.

**FEZ/ANGIE:**

What?/Eww!

_Angie edges away from Fez._

**KELSO:**

(to Angie)

At least we're still together! I'll see you later.

_He steers Fez around and gives him a push toward the door, following after._

**FEZ:**

(to Kelso)

I'm going to wet your bed.  
  


_They exit._

CUT TO:

**INT. COUNSELOR’S OFFICE - DAY**

_The office of Point Place High’s guidance counselor, a bare-minimum office lit more by the window than the poor lighting. Jackie and Eric enter through the open door._

**ERIC** : 

Oh, my God. I can't believe I have to tell my high school guidance counselor that I spent an entire year doing nothing. He's gonna think I'm such a loser.

**JACKIE:**

Yeah. You know a good way to avoid that? Don’t be a loser.

**ERIC:**

Whatever. I bet he doesn’t even have an offer for you. This is probably like that time he told you he wanted to talk about who should be the head of the decorating committee, then asked you to prom.

_MR. BRAY himself enters, a portly man in a fool’s version of suave attire. A stack of files is tucked under his arm. He breezes right past Eric to shake Jackie’s hand._

**BRAY**

Ah, Jackie. How very, very – _very_ – pleasant to see you again. And so soon after high school.

**JACKIE:**

And so soon since the last time you drove by my house.

**BRAY:**

(beat)

Well, uh, my mother lives right next door.

**JACKIE:**

Next door is the guest house.

**BRAY:**

Well... isn’t Mother a charming guest?

_Jackie fixes him with a condescending look. Mr. Bray clears his throat and stands up straight._

**BRAY (cont’d):**

Well, Jackie, I asked you here because the school was recently contacted by a TV producer out of Chicago about you.

**JACKIE:**

(gasps)

Oh, my God! Was it about my show?

**BRAY:**

Yes, indeed. She asked if we could pass on her interest to you and that she’d be in the area if you could take a meeting before taping.

_Jackie squeals, hops, and claps with delight._

**JACKIE:**

Oh, my God, yes! Yes! When is she coming?

**BRAY:**

Today. I meant to tell you sooner, but I kept dropping the phone – my hands tend to get sweaty when I’m nervous.

**JACKIE:**

_Today?_ Oh, I – I have to get ready. I have to get dressed – I have to do my hair – I have to get down to the studio!

_She makes for the door. Eric catches her by the arm._

**ERIC:**

What? Jackie, you don’t tape for another four hours.

**JACKIE:**

Yeah, but it’ll take me at least two to get over there.

**ERIC:**

Why?

**JACKIE:**

Because _I’m telling everyone!_

_She pulls herself free and runs out of the office._

_Left alone, Eric and Mr. Bray awkwardly survey each other._

**BRAY:**

And you are?

**ERIC:**

Eric. Forman. 1977's most improved mathlete.

**BRAY:**

Oh, right. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry, Eric. I just figured the bullies had gotten ya.

_They continue to awkwardly survey each other._

**BUMPER**

**INT. GROOVES – DAY**

_Business is still brisk, and Kelso and Fez are back. They stand together, heads bowed and arms folded, in the listening pit. Their heads jerk up when Jackie bursts through the door._

**JACKIE** :

Where’s Steven?

**KELSO** :

At lunch with Angie.

_Jackie turns to head back out the door, but Kelso lunges, takes her arm, and pulls her into the listening pit. They sit on the couch together while Fez sits on the armrest._

**KELSO (cont’d):**

Wait, Jackie! Listen, I need some advice on breaking up with girls, okay? And you've been broken up with a lot. Several times by me. So, what didn't you like?

**JACKIE:**

Oh, um... the lying, the cheating, the sneaking around - oh, and I also didn't like Fez trying to make out with me five minutes later.

**FEZ:**

Well, then you're really not gonna like this.

_He leans down for a kiss. Jackie shoves him back by the face._

**KELSO:**

Look, I don't know how to break up with Angie.

**JACKIE:**

Well, why don't you try to figure out how to do it kindly – maturely - respectfully?

**KELSO:**

Yeah. That sounds nice.

(beat)

I think I'm just gonna sleep with her best friend.

CUT TO:

**INT. COUNSELOR’S OFFICE – DAY**

_Mr. Bray and Eric have moved to sitting on opposite sides of Mr. Bray’s desk. Mr. Bray reviews the contents of a file and shakes his head,_

**BRAY** :

Well, Eric, I have to say – your eligibility for scholarships would normally be determined by what you’ve done for the last year, but as far as I can tell, you haven’t done anything.

**ERIC** :

Okay, well... yeah. But what about the year before that? I mean, I gave up college to support my family.

**BRAY** :

So?

**ERIC** :

Isn’t that, like, a really noble and decent thing to do?

**BRAY** :

You don’t get scholarships for nobility. Not unless you’re in Europe. And there, it’s not a scholarship – it’s actual nobility.

**ERIC:**

Come on, Mr. Bray. There’s gotta be something I can do to pay for college. I’ll do anything to become a teacher.

**BRAY** :

You’re going to college for teaching?

(Eric nods)

And you spent the last year –

(checks notes)

“Reading comic books and acting out movies with your dolls” -

**ERIC** :

Action figures!

**BRAY** :

Well, if you’re going to UW, there’s an option to be the instructor in a pilot teaching program that may just work for you.

**ERIC** :

Wait – pilot program? What does that mean? Like, an experiment? I don’t know if I wanna be a guinea pig. What would I be teaching?

**BRAY** : 

Comic books.

_Eric’s jaw drops. Slowly, his eyes bulging and his breath quivering in his throat, he pushes himself upright until he leans over the desk, his feet barely in contact with the ground. It’s an uncomfortable enough sight for Mr. Bray that he inches his seat back by a few good scoots._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

_MUSIC NOTE: The theme from the 1966 “Batman” series._

**INT. COUNSELOR’S OFFICE - DAY**

_Right where we left off. Eric is still leaning over the desk, his body trembling with the threat of jumping up and down for joy. Mr. Bray still looks uncomfortable._

**ERIC:**

So you’re saying that I would get paid to teach a class about _comic books_?

**BRAY** :

Comic books, sci-fi films, fantasy novels, contemporary television – it’s an experimental course based on a program done in Indiana a few years ago. The university would pay you to teach this course, and while you act as the teacher, you could get a free education yourself. It would mean jumping right into a professional setting. So if you value time with your dolls –

**ERIC:**

ACTION FIGURES! 

**BRAY** :

Right. I’m just saying, you won’t have a lot of free time, and this sort of program needs someone with a strong work ethic. If you think you’re up to it, I can go get my information packet, but...

_He trails off as he looks Eric over – pasty, skinny, fresh-from-a-year-off Eric. Eric gives himself a look-over before pushing himself away from the desk and standing up tall._

**ERIC** :

You know what, Mr. Bray? I am up to it. You know, I wasn’t always this lazy, goof-around loser. I had work ethic – _real_ work ethic. I don’t know how I got to this point, but I’ve been looking for a way out. And now – I have it.

(puts hands on hips)

I feel... I feel like Luke Skywalker when he vowed to follow Obi-Wan and learn the ways of the Force. Except we’re not surrounded by dead Jawas. And there’s no dead Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. And I don’t live with Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru, I live with my mom and dad, and – oh, screw it, I’m teaching _Star Wars_ and comic books!

_He gives the air a happy jab. Mr. Bray gives a slight smile, shakes his head, stands, and leads Eric out of the office._

**BUMPER**

_MUSIC NOTE: “Right Back Where We Stared From” by Maxine Nightingale._

**INT. STUDIO – EVENING**

_The studio of the public access station, Jackie’s set. JACKIE, only slightly overdressed, bobs on her feet, all grins as the visiting CHICAGO PRODUCER, MRS. BERTRINELLI, sits on her desk and chats with her._

**MRS. BERTRINELLI:**

Well, Jackie, everyone in the Chicago station’s been talking about your program.

**JACKIE:**

Oh, really?

**MRS. BERTRINELLI:**

Yes, we’ve never seen anything quite like it.

**JACKIE:**

Well, I’d say I’m surprised, but –

_She indicates her face and lets out an airy laugh._

**JACKIE (cont’d):**

You know, my boyfriend Steven, he says the same thing every time he watches the show. At first, he meant it sarcastically, but now I think he means it as a compliment almost half of the time.

_Mrs. Bertrinelli gives an enigmatic sort of smile; Jackie can’t tell if she’s genuinely amused or condescending. Jackie clears her throat and stands up as tall as she can._

**JACKIE (cont’d):**

So, my guidance counselor said you had some sort of offer for me?

**MRS. BERTRINELLI:**

Yes. As I said, we’ve been watching your show. And quite frankly – you advertise it as a news program, and yet all your content is concerned with fashion, disco, decorating, celebrity gossip, and local scandal. It’s superficial, irrelevant – all the flightiest impulses of youth. All in all, it’s a terrible news program.

_Jackie’s face falls like a downed chopper over Saigon. Her hand clutches at her heart._

**MRS. BERTRINELLI (cont’d):**

But it’s perfect for the arts and leisure segment of a real news program. How’d you like a job as entertainment anchor?

_Jackie’s face changes again, into a stiff mask of shock. Her whole body goes stiff as an amused Mrs. Bertrinelli chuckles and shakes her head._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – EVENING**

_The end of a hard days’ work – relatively speaking. Hyde reads a magazine in his chair while Fez and Kelso share the couch._

**KELSO:**

(to Fez)

So, there's a problem with my "sleeping with Angie's best friend" plan: Angie's best friend is Hyde.

_Without looking up from his magazine, Hyde shoots an acknowledging finger point Kelso’s way._

**FEZ:**

(to Kelso)

Drat. And That’s not just your plan foiled.

**KELSO:**

Whaddya mean?

**FEZ:**

My plan to console Angie when you dump her, then console her best friend when you dump her too, just went down the dumper.

(to Hyde)

You son of a bitch.

_Hyde briefly flips down the magazine, grins at Fez, then goes back to reading._

_Jackie enters through the basement door, her face long._

**JACKIE:**

(to Kelso, Fez)

Um, you guys, I gotta talk to Steven about something really serious.

**KELSO:**

(gasp)

Maybe she's pregnant!

**FEZ:**

Maybe she cheated on him.

**KELSO:**

Maybe she cheated on him and she's pregnant.

_They grin up at her like idiots. Jackie, ignoring them, moves to the end of the couch nearest to Hyde’s chair. Hyde sets his magazine down and leans in toward her._

**JACKIE:**

Steven, this TV producer came by to tell me she loved my public access show. And then she offered me a job at her station in Chicago starting next month.

**HYDE:**

Whoa. Um, you're gonna take a job and move to Chicago?

**JACKIE:**

No, no, not yet. No, I wanted to talk to you about it first.

**KELSO:**

Uh-oh. This is "serious" serious, not funny serious.

(to Fez)

We should probably leave.

**FEZ:**

(to Jackie, Hyde)

But we won't.

_Jackie and Hyde both ignore him._

**JACKIE:**

Steven, this is my dream come true. But you are the most important thing in the world to me. So, I'm willing to give it all up and stay here with you. But if I do that, I need to know we're gonna get married.

**HYDE:**

Jackie, we agreed not to talk about our future.

**JACKIE:**

Until our future got here, and it just did, Steven. Look, the station needs an answer by the end of the month, and I do, too.  
  


**HYDE:**

Well, I don't know what to say right now.

_A flicker of hurt crosses Jackie’s face, but she gives Hyde a slow nod._

**JACKIE:**

Okay, well, you don’t have to say anything right now. But this month is all the time left I can give you.

_Hyde looks away from her. He sits back in his chair and tosses his head back as Jackie looks down at the floor._

_Kelso sweeps a hand out to draw attention._

**KELSO:**

(to Hyde)

I know this is a sensitive moment, but may I offer a word of advice?

_He stands, crosses to the basement door, and throws it open._

**KELSO (cont’d):**

Run!

_Fez heeds Kelso’s advice: he jumps to his feet and dashes out the door. When Kelso sees the look Hyde’s giving him, he does the same thing._

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - NIGHT**

_Post-dinner clean-up. KITTY is at the sink, gloves on, working at a roasting pan soaked in suds. RED sits at the kitchen table, reading a newspaper._

_Donna enters from the patio door._

**DONNA** :

Hey, is Eric home? We were supposed to hang out at the Hub after his meeting with the guidance counselor, but he never showed.

**KITTY** :

(shakes head)

He hasn’t been home all day.

**RED** :

(flips paper down)

If he’s trapped in another locker, we’ve gotta disown him. The only time in a man’s life when it’s acceptable for him to get stuffed in a high school locker is when he’s in high school.

**KITTY:**

But he was in the high school.

**RED:**

You know what I meant.

_The patio door slides open again. Donna steps back as Eric and Mr. Bray enter, all grins, each with a stack of papers under their arms._

**ERIC** :

(to Donna)

Hey. I know I didn’t show at the Hub, but I’ve got great news. I –

_Mr. Bray elbows past Eric to shake Donna’s hand._

**BRAY** :

Donna! Donna Pinciotti! How nice to see you again. You’ve done something different with your hair since high school.

**DONNA** :

Yeah, you noticed.

**BRAY** :

Well, I notice everything about all my students.

**ERIC** :

You didn’t even remember my name.

**BRAY** :

(to Eric)

I notice everything about all my recent students.

**ERIC** :

Donna and I were the same year.

**BRAY** :

Yes, well... I would like to change the subject now.

**KITTY** :

(to Eric)

Honey, you said you have great news?

_She peels off her gloves and crosses to the table. She and Donna sit as Eric sets his papers down and clasps his hands together._

**ERIC** :

I found a way to pay for college.

**DONNA** :

Eric, that’s wonderful!

**KITTY** :

Hooray!

**RED** :

Pay for college? What’s wrong with the money we’ve been putting into your savings account?

**KITTY:**

Oh – um, Red, honey, we – we need to talk later.

_Red opens his mouth to press the issue, but Kitty waves him quiet._

**ERIC** :

Yep. Not only will I be going to college for teaching – I’ll be going to college to teach.

**KITTY** :

Ooh, how nice!

(beat)

What does that mean?

_Donna and Red, just as confused as Kitty, look to Eric._

**ERIC** :

You are looking at the future instructor of UW’s experimental “Genre Fiction in America” course!

_He’s met with an audience of blank looks._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

I’m teaching _Star Wars_ and comic books.

_Donna slaps a hand over her mouth, Kitty’s jaw drops, and Red, glaring, stands._

**RED** :

Are you telling me that college is giving a whole class over to those moron books and that dopey space movie?

**ERIC** :

No, Dad, it’s all of science fiction and fantasy. It’s a pilot course about how genre fiction comments and reflects on modern American life.

**BRAY** :

We were on the phone with UW all afternoon, setting Eric up for the program.

**RED** :

Oh, crap. First they turn out commies, then they turn out hippies – now our colleges are gonna take America’s children and give her back a bunch of smart-mouth slackers indoctrinated by Professor Dumbass.

_He drops back to his seat and puts a hand over his head. Eric shrugs and turns to his much more enthusiastic reception from Donna and Kitty._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT**

_A short time later. Donna and Fez sit on opposite ends of the couch, Kelso sits on the washer, and Eric stands by him, working at a popsicle. The remnants of a burger-and-fries dinner litter the coffee table._

**KELSO** :

(to Eric)

So all those times you were going on and on about _Star Wars_ – how this is like _Star Wars_ , how that is like _Star Wars_ , how the Vista Cruiser is like your _Millennium Falcon_ from _Star Wars_ – it turns out you can get a job teaching that? That’s, like, the biggest burn on everyone who ever made fun of you for being a loser.

**ERIC** :

Kelso, you always made fun of me for being a loser.

**KELSO** :

And the burn’s on me. Well played.

**ERIC** :

(to all)

Man, isn’t this great? And the best part is, if this pilot program takes off, it could become just a regular class, offered every year.

**DONNA** :

Eric, if you stay on with UW to teach that course, you could end up as Professor Forman. I kinda like the sound of that.

**ERIC** :

Me too. Professor Eric “Star Wars” Forman.

**DONNA** :

Okay, now I like it a little less.

**FEZ** :

(to Eric)

And you will teach comic books too?

**ERIC** :

Comic books, TV, cartoons, magazine stories... it’s like this entire basement condensed into a study guide.

**KELSO** :

Hey, you know what comic book you should teach? Mine.

**ERIC** :

You have a comic book?

**KELSO** :

Yeah, it’s called _Adventures on the Planet Zorgon_. There’s these bugs that burrow into your brain, and they lay, like, a thousand eggs. And when the eggs hatch, they, like, shoot out of your head like little worm bullets.

_He’s grinning from ear to ear. Eric gives him an indulgent smile in return._

_Hyde enters from his room, SCHATZI in his arms. He makes his way to his chair and sits down, staring blankly ahead while he scratches Schatzi’s head._

**DONNA** :

So, Hyde – we heard about Jackie. What are you gonna do?

**HYDE** :

Well, I’ve spent all night kicking it back with Schatzi.

**ERIC** :

With Schatzi?

**HYDE** :

Yeah. If I hit my stash hard enough, I can understand him.

_Eric and Donna share a look._

**DONNA** :

And what did you and Schatzi come up with?

**HYDE** :

A great idea for a movie that now I just can’t remember.

_He shakes his head in frustration, retrieves a piece of beef from the coffee table, and feeds it to Schatzi._

CUT TO:

**INT. GROOVES – NIGHT**

_Well past closing time. The customers are gone, the lights are out, but Angie is still at work. She stands at the register, reviewing the drawer. Satisfied with what she sees, she shuts the register, retrieves her bag, and heads for the door. Just as she opens it, Kelso appears in the doorway._

**KELSO** :

Hey, Angie. I’ve been thinking about this all day, and I finally worked up the nerve. And I think we need to talk about us.

**ANGIE** :

Yeah, I’ve been meaning to talk about us too – I’m breaking up with you.

_Kelso’s jaw drops._

**KELSO** :

How _dare_ you!

**ANGIE** :

Come on. You know things were sort of fizzling anyways.

**KELSO** :

F-fizzling? How can you even say that? What about all the times you said that I was really, really good-looking?

**ANGIE** :

Michael, its over. But know this – when I said you were good-looking, I really meant it.

_She pats his arm and strolls out into the night._

**KELSO** :

(yelling after her)

You know what? You’ve got a lot of growing up to do!

**FADE TO BLACK**

**CREDITS**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT**

_THE CIRCLE. A baffled and slightly repulsed Eric peruses a crudely-drawn amateur comic book._

**ERIC:**

Kelso, I never knew you had such a... a _thing_ for bugs crawling around in peoples’ brains.

_Pan to Kelso, on the verge of tears._

**KELSO:**

You know what, Eric? Right after a guy’s girlfriend breaks up with him is _not_ the time for constructive criticism!

_Pan to Hyde._

**HYDE:**

Well, one day down, and I still don’t have an answer for Jackie.

(to his right)

You got anything?

_Pan to Schatzi, propped up on pillows._

**SCHATZI (v.o.):**

_Nothing yet, man. I think I need more kibble._

**END.**


	40. J/H 7-23: Take It or Leave It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suspect some of you reading this rewrite are more interested in what happens in this episode than in the season finale. This was certainly the moment of the show I was most interested in changing, and spent the most time on, once I decided to go past Season 5. I hope you enjoy it.

**SHOW TITLE**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT**

_It’s a quiet night in the basement. HYDE sits in his chair, sunglasses off, head bowed in thought over the coffee table. He’s bent far enough over that SCHATZI, sitting on the table, can sniff at his hair. DONNA, sitting on the couch, and ERIC, enjoying a popsicle while standing behind the couch, watch Hyde with great amusement._

**ERIC** :

So, Hyde – it’s Friday night. Weekend’s coming up. The end of another week. Almost the end of the month. The month Jackie said you had to decide whether to marry her or let her go take that TV job in Chicago.

**HYDE** :

(looks up)

What’s your point?

**ERIC** :

Oh, no point – I just like throwing that in your face.

_Donna chuckles, swats Eric on the arm._

**DONNA** :

Hyde, don’t you think it’s a little cruel to make Jackie sweat it out all month? I mean, shouldn’t you just get it over with?

**HYDE** :

Get what over with?

**DONNA** :

Well, you’re gonna say “no” to marrying her, right? Unless...

_She and Eric gasp together. Eric drops his now-empty popsicle stick, and Donna’s right hand goes over her mouth while her left hand grips Hyde’s arm._

**DONNA (cont’d)** :

Oh, my God, you’re thinking of saying “yes!”

**ERIC** :

Oh, my God. You want to marry her.

**DONNA** :

(mocking)

You want to marry her because you _love_ her.

**ERIC** :

(doing Hyde, to Donna)

“Jackie, you’re everything this poor little orphan boy ever needed.”

**DONNA** :

(doing Jackie, to Eric)

“Oh, my God, I really am!”

**HYDE** :

Would you two shut up? I don’t know yet, okay? And, if I say “yes,” it isn’t because I love her. Love is a concept cooked up by Madison Avenue to sell to losers who’re too afraid to be alone.

**ERIC** :

Uh, no, you’re thinking of kittens.

_He exits up the stairs._

_Hyde sighs, sets Schatzi down on the floor and starts fidgeting with his eyeball ring. Donna slides down the couch, closer to Hyde’s chair._

**DONNA** :

You really don’t know what you’re gonna tell her, do you? What, you’re not sure if you want to wake up every morning to –

(doing Jackie)

“Steven, we need new patio furniture! Steven, I need $200! Steven, don’t forget the PTA meeting!”

_She laughs; Hyde scowls._

**DONNA (cont’d)** :

(serious)

Or are you not sure she should stay here?

**HYDE** :

(sighs)

Look, remember when Red got sick, and Forman had to stay home but you were still gonna go to college, and he didn’t ask you to stay? And then when you were gonna get married, and he didn’t show up? He didn’t not do those things because he didn’t want to be with you. He just didn’t want to see you give up on your dreams and ruin your life. He let you do that on your own.

**DONNA** :

What do you mean? I didn’t ruin my life. Radio DJ was the kind of job I was gonna go to college for, and I got that job anyway, so I didn’t need to go. I mean, okay, I thought I would travel more – or at all. I thought I’d get to do more of the writing. Point Place doesn’t get the biggest acts anymore. My boss is a skeevy perv. And I only stayed for Eric, and now he's going away, so...

_She frowns, looks off in thought. From the corner of her eye, she notices Hyde staring at her._

**DONNA (cont’d)** :

Hey, this isn’t about me! This is about you and your loud-mouthed girlfriend, and if you don’t give her an answer, she’s gonna flood every station in the area with non-stop ABBA requests until you do!

_She sits back in a huff, arms crossed. Hyde sighs and bends down to scratch Schatzi’s ears._

**MAIN CREDITS**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY**

_Breakfast with friends, invited or otherwise. FEZ and KELSO sit at the kitchen table, each with a plate of bacon, eggs, and sausages. Eric stands across from them, between the table and the stove. A sheet of paper is in his hand; his practice teaching notes. He pays them an occasional glance as he tries out a lecture on Fez and Kelso while they eat._

**ERIC** :

“And so the baby, safely nestled in a tiny craft, is sent to safety, and is found by a loving couple who raise him as their own until, one day, when that baby is fully grown, he learns the truth about his identity – and his destiny. Now, you may be thinking, ‘that’s the story of Moses.’ But what if I told you that it’s also the story of... Superman.”

_Kelso’s jaw drops and Fez’s eyes bulge._

**KELSO** :

Whoa.

_He stabs at some eggs with his fork and, without looking away from Eric, lifts them up to Fez’s mouth. Fez takes the bite and does the same thing with a sausage for Kelso._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

(with mouth full)

If church had talked more about Superman, I might’ve paid more attention when Moses was knocking down the walls of Bethlehem to save Noah from the Trojan horse.

**ERIC** :

Pretty great, huh? And UW wants to expand the class’s appeal to ladies, so I’m working on a whole series of lectures about female empowerment in _Wonder Woman_.

**FEZ** :

She can empower me right into the bedroom, if you know what I mean.

**KELSO** :

You know what I always thought would be great? If you did it with Wonder Woman, but she kept her bracelets on the whole time. And then, if she brought the lasso of truth, she could get freaky with the lasso, and then... other stuff could happen.

_Fez nods approvingly._

**FEZ:**

Do you think the lasso would work on _I Dream of Jeannie_? Or would the genie magic grant her immunity?

**KELSO:**

Did you just suggest a Wonder Woman and Jeannie three-way?

FEZ:

Or Samantha from _Bewitched_.

KELSO:

Or Wonder Woman, Jeannie, _and_ Samantha from _Bewitched_!

_He and Fez share excited gasps and dopey grins. Eric looks between them, eyebrows raised._

**ERIC** :

Okay, guys – do me a favor and never visit me at UW when classes are in session.

_RED and KITTY enter from the living room. Red gives Eric a contemptuous once-over._

**RED** :

(to Eric)

Well, well. If it isn’t the University of Wisconsin’s newest teacher. A lazy smart mouth who just wasted a year of his life sitting around in my basement, and who wasted most of the other seventeen years also sitting around in my basement.

**ERIC** :

“Lazy?” I’ve spent all day, every day since I signed up for the pilot teaching program putting together lectures, reading lists, lesson plans – I even picked out _Star Wars_ curtains for the classroom!

**RED** :

Well, isn’t that great – you’ve finally come around to making some use of your time, and you spend it plotting out how you’re going to “teach” a lot of useless crap.

_Kitty tuts, swats Red’s arm, and pushes past him to Eric._

**KITTY** :

No, no. Honey, we are so proud of you for finding a way to pay for college and get started on your career. In Madison. The big city. Where there are concerts and restaurants and laundromats and you’ll never have a reason to come home to your mother.

(sniffs)

Who I guess will just stay here and die.

_Lip quivering, she turns away and tends to a plate of bacon remaining on the stove._

**RED** :

(to Eric)

Teaching a pilot class that nobody can make any practical use of and making your mother cry. I guess that’s all in a day’s work for Professor Dumbass.

**ERIC** :

Okay, you know what, Dad? I don’t have to take this anymore. Because I did exactly what you wanted me to do. You wanted me to pick a career – I picked one. You wanted me to go to college – I’m going. I even found a way to pay for it on my own. And you’ve just been a jerk about all of it. But I’m out of here at the end of the month, and until then, we’re done.

_He gathers his notes and exits out the patio door._

_Kitty crosses to Red, smacks him on the arm again._

**RED:**

Ow! That one hurt!

**KITTY:**

Serves you right. Eric’s right, Red. Would it kill you to show your son a little pride and support?

**RED** :

For what? It’s not like he’s gonna be teaching anything useful.

**KITTY** :

You think the only “useful” things are the things they taught you in the war! How many times since Korea have you had to fix a bayonet onto anything?

**KELSO** :

(to Red)

You know what? I bet the reason you’re being so mean to Eric is ‘cause you’re sad he’s gonna be gone, but you don’t wanna admit it.

**FEZ** :

(to Red)

Aww... someone is feeling the empty nest.

_They both snicker._

**RED:**

No, but I’m feeling like your asses are empty. And I’m about to fill them with my foot.

_He gives the boys a cold stare. The grins fall from their faces. They jump to their feet and race out the patio door._

**BUMPER**

_MUSIC NOTE: “I Want You to Want Me” by Cheap Trick._

**INT. RADIO STATION - DAY**

_WFPP control room, early afternoon. “I Want You to Want Me” continues; it’s playing on-air. Donna sits at the control panel. JACKIE is with her, in a spare seat she has rolled back against the wall._

_Donna turns off her mic, takes off her headphones, and turns to talk to Jackie._

**DONNA** : 

I don’t know, Jackie. I mean, what if Hyde’s right? What if I’ve wasted a whole year of my life, just like Eric? And now he’s going to college and I’m gonna be stuck here in this dinky town, trying to get good music in between farm reports and ads for Benny’s Bodacious Bods Gym.

**JACKIE** : 

Okay, Donna? No offense, but the only words of Steven’s I’m interested in right now are “yes, Jackie, I will marry you.”

(sighs)

God, why did I open up my heart to him?

**DONNA:**

Yeah, I was a little surprised. I thought for sure you’d just try to manipulate him. I mean, the bitchy stuff is your bread and butter.

**JACKIE:**

You know, I had fake pregnancy right up my sleeve, and I didn’t use it. Now I’m the vulnerable one, waiting for his answer.

**DONNA** :

Well, Jackie, you did give him until the end of the month.

**JACKIE** :

Which is almost here. Look, I thought, “if I really put myself out there, he’ll see how much I love him and say ‘yes’ right away.” And when he didn’t, I thought, “okay, well, maybe he’ll take a couple of hours or a couple of days and _then_ say ‘yes.’” But now I think he’s only taking so long ‘cause he’s gonna say “no.”

_She puts a hand to her face and turns away. Donna stands, crosses to her, and pats her back._

_The control room door opens, and MAX enters with a stack of records. His long absence hasn’t changed his sense of style or scruffy facial hair. The girls don’t notice him at first, or he them; he crosses the room, sets the records down, and only on turning around does he see Donna and Jackie._

**MAX** :

Donna?

_Donna looks up, sees Max. She smiles and crosses to give him a hug._

**DONNA** :

Max? Oh, my God! Where have you been? No one’s seen you since the Steve Miller Band concert.

**MAX** :

Well, after I did the interview with Stevie, I bumped into someone from security. Knocked the drink tray he was carrying out of his hands. He said “wassa matter, you on dope?” And then one thing led to another, and... well, I’m back now. But I’m surprised you’re still here. Weren’t you and your boyfriend going to UW together?

**DONNA** :

Oh, well... you know. Some things happened.

(beat)

Hey – how did you end up working at WFPP? I mean, was a small town radio station where you thought you’d end up?

**MAX** :

Oh, no. No, I had my wild years, following the tour buses, traveling with talent I managed, living and covering the music scene from New York to L.A. Eventually, you get tired and want to settle down. And it’s a good thing we have going here.

**DONNA** :

But you had your wild years first?

**MAX** :

(nods)

And that’s a good thing too.

_He gives her a small smile, and Donna smiles back._

_Their moment is interrupted by the arrival of the diminutive MR. RANDALL, as stodgy as ever. He knocks on the doorframe to claim attention._

**MR. RANDALL** :

Max! What have I told you about leaving your music recommendations on my desk? You do it again and you’re out of here. For the last time, that Huey Lewis and the News group isn’t going anywhere!

_He storms out._

**MAX** :

(to Donna)

Of course, not _everything_ about this place is a good thing.

_He grunts and exits._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY**

_Later in the afternoon. Kitty sits at the kitchen table, enjoying a cup of tea while she reads the newspaper._

_Red enters from the basement, a box loaded with old toys, games, and posters in his arms. One G.I. JOE sticks out prominently from the load, as does a CANDYLAND BOX. He sets it down on the island, and the sound draws Kitty’s attention._

**KITTY:**

(points at box)

What have you got there?

**RED:**

Nothing much. Just a few of Eric’s old things.

**KITTY:**

(stands)

Oh- _ho_! Seems like Michael was right after all. Seems like someone’s upset that his only son is leaving us in a few weeks and went looking for a few of this baby boy’s things to remember him by.

_She chuckles, raps the table with her knuckles, and folds her arms, very smug._

**RED:**

No, Kitty. I’m hauling some busted parts from the muffler shop to the dump later, and I figured I’d get rid of some of Eric’s old crap while I’m at it.

_Kitty’s face drops like a rock._

**KITTY:**

How can one man be so completely devoid of sensitivity?

**RED:**

Easy. It was blown off by shrapnel on Okinawa.

_Red picks the box back up and exits into the living room._

CUT TO:

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY**

_Overlapping with the end of the previous scene. The Vista Cruiser idles in the driveway. Eric and Hyde are seated in the patio chairs. Eric looks through the patio door into the kitchen, watching Red leave, while Hyde leans back and relentlessly taps his foot and fidgets with his eyeball ring._

**ERIC** :

Man, can you believe Red’s being such a hard ass about this pilot teaching program?

_Hyde gives Eric a look._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

What?

**HYDE** :

You’re gonna be teaching nerd books and _Scooby-Doo_ to college kids and you’re surprised Red Forman’s making fun of you? Man, how is it that I’m the long-term guest in your house, and you’re the one who doesn’t get your dad? That’s like Han Solo knowing better than Luke Skywalker about Uncle Owen being a hard ass about the moisture farm.

_Eric breaks into a dopey grin._

**ERIC** :

Hey – did you just -

**HYDE** :

Don’t get weird on me, Forman. I’ve gotta plan out my whole life before the end of the month and I’ve gone through my whole stash.

**ERIC** :

Man, why is this such a big deal? I mean, Jackie’s basically letting you off the hook. It’s like the greatest going away gift ever – never having to see or hear Jackie Burkhart again.

**HYDE** :

Oh yeah, it’s the perfect gift. It’s free, she didn’t have to wrap it, and it makes me wish I was dead.

(sighs)

Screw it. I’m not getting anywhere just sitting here. There’s only one place a man can turn before making a huge decision like this.

**ERIC** :

Dive bar?

**HYDE:**

Dive bar. You drive.

_They stand, clap each other on the back, and head for the Vista Cruiser._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

**INT. DIVE BAR - EVENING**

_A dive so din, dark, and dank that even Bud Hyde wouldn’t tend that bar. A small, disreputable looking lot populate the place, which boasts a dart board, pool table, and a few short round tables, all occupied._

_Eric and Hyde enter and immediately make for two open bar stools. Eric sits to Hyde’s left; a TRUCKER is already seated to his right. He doesn’t acknowledge the boys, and they don’t acknowledge him. Eric signals the BARTENDER for two beers._

**ERIC:**

Man, Hyde, look at us. I’ve got my future in college to prepare for, you’ve gotta decide what to do about Jackie, and yet – here we are, about to get so drunk it’ll be a miracle if we can make it home with us and the Vista Cruiser all in one piece.

(beat)

I’m gonna miss this.

_The bartender places two bottles of beer in front of the boys._

**HYDE** :

(to Eric)

You know, if anybody responsible we know was here, they’d tell me I’m not gonna find the answer to my problems with Jackie at the bottom of this beer. But you never know until you look.

**ERIC** :

And, if it’s not in that one, it could always be in the next.

_They pick up their bottles, clink them together, and take a big swill before slamming them back down on the counter. Slow push-in on Hyde’s bottle, and we begin:_

_MONTAGE. SET TO “YOU REALLY GOT ME” BY THE KINKS._

_A)_ _Hyde’s one bottle is now two. Slow pull out as Hyde, now tipsy, lifts up the second bottle, takes a swallow, and leans against a still-sober Eric._

**HYDE** :

Okay – I made up my mind about Jackie. I’m gonna marry her! I’m gonna be Mrs. Jackie Hyde!

_He takes another swig of beer and slams the bottle down. Push-in on the bottles, and cut to:_

_B) The two bottles are now four. Pull out as Hyde, now properly drunk, swings one of the bottles around as he spins his stool to face Eric._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

How dare she give me an ultimatum! This is my life she’s messing with! She can go to Hell! I will see her in Hell!

_He throws his head back, empties the beer bottle down his throat, and slams it back on the counter. Push-in on the bottles, and cut to:_

_C) The four are now seven. Pull out to find an off-balance Hyde and a now-drunk Eric with their arms around each others’ shoulders._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

What the hell’s so great about Chicago anyway? And you’re getting out of here, Donna won’t stay here forever – what am I supposed to do? Spend the rest of my life in that basement, babysitting Tweedledee and Tweedletard? No way she’s leaving me alone with that!

_He and Eric both swoop up their bottles, take a drink, and slam them down. Push-in on Hyde’s bottles, and cut to:_

_D) Seven is now ten. Pull out as Hyde pounds a fist down against the counter._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

What the hell is she thinking, wanting to stay around here? This is her life she’s throwing away!

(to Eric)

Would you stick around here for a burnout living in your parents’ basement? No! No, you wouldn’t! No way I’m letting her do that!

_He grabs a bottle, takes a swig, and finds it empty. He tosses the bottle over his shoulder and signals the bartender for one more. Push-in on the remaining bottles, and cut to:_

_E) Extreme close-up on Hyde’s loose, slack-jawed, spacey-eyed face. He’s well-loaded at this point._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

You know what, Forman? I’m a little confused. But I do know that I love you, man. I really, really do.

_He leans to his right, and we pan with him as he puts an arm around the trucker and kisses him on the cheek. The trucker shoots him an evil eye, and Hyde leans back slightly._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

Hey, where’d Forman go?

_Pan to the left as Eric, now well off-balance, leans in and taps Hyde on the shoulder._

**ERIC** :

Still on your left, buddy.

_Pan right as Hyde looks back to the trucker and offers a sheepish grin of apology. The trucker responds with a punch to the face. Hyde just manages to keep his balance long enough to throw himself back at the trucker and tackle him to the floor and out of frame._

_Eric spins around for a better view of the fight. He’s slack-jawed and glassy-eyed himself, but still with it enough to pump a fist and cheer Hyde on._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Whoa, Hyde! You – you get ‘em, man! You got ‘em! You got ‘em! You... you really don’t got him. Wow. This is not good.

_He looks all around the room; no one’s coming to help. Eric sighs and picks up his bottle._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Well, I _had_ a future all planned out. There are worse ways to go.

_He takes a swig, slams the bottle down, and leaps into the fray._

**BUMPER**

_MUSIC NOTE: “You Really Got Me” continues._

**INT. CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT**

_THE CIRCLE – or a half-circle, at least. Donna sits at the control panel, headphones on – she’s in Hot Donna mode. She sits to the left of the microphone, and Jackie, also with headphones, sits to the right. A diffuse cloud of smoke fills the control room. A stick of incense, propped in a bowl set under the mic, burns softly._

_“You Really Got Me” wraps up. Donna flips on the microphone and leads in._

**DONNA** :

This is WFPP, and you’re listening to Hot Donna.

(plays bacon noise)

That was “You Really Got Me” by the Kinks, requested by Jackie Burkhart.

_Pan across the microphone stand to Jackie, who waves at the microphone as if it were a camera._

_Pan to Donna._

**DONNA (cont’d)** :

Jackie, you’ve been here in the studio with us for about four hours now. You got anything you’d like to say to the listeners at home?

_Pan to Jackie._

**JACKIE:**

Yeah, there’s something I don’t get – why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? That’s a terrible location for a seashell stand!

_Pan to Donna._

**DONNA:**

You know, you’re right. I mean, if she wanted to make money, she would sell seashells by the subway.

_Pan to Jackie._

**JACKIE:**

You know what she should sell by the seashore? Shoeshines. ‘Cause your sandals get so sandy.

_Pan to Donna._

**DONNA:**

Sandy sandals... we should start a girl band called Sandy Sandals.

(into mic)

That’s right, Point Place – you may have just heard the launch of Hot Donna and the Sandy Sandals.

_She and Jackie both giggle. But it doesn’t last for Jackie; pan to her, we see her face fall as she blinks away the beginning of tears._

_Pan to Donna._

**DONNA (cont’d):**

Jackie, what’s wrong?

_Pan to Jackie._

**JACKIE:**

Well, sand reminds me of dirt, and dirt reminds me of Steven.

_She puts a hand over her eyes. Donna’s hand reaches over to rub her back._

_Pan to Donna._

**DONNA:**

For those of you just joining us, Jackie has been requesting songs from the mix tape she made her boyfriend, Steven Hyde, who she’s waiting on a very important answer from. Hyde, if you’re listening, Jackie is down here at the station with me. So if you’re listening – get over here, give her an answer, and get her out of my studio.

_Jackie’s hand reaches over to shove Donna, but Jackie’s laugh rings out. Donna smiles, laughs, and shoves back. They get into a playful tussle._

_Cut wide – the Circle is broken. Mr. Randall and Max enter the recording room. Max looks bemused, Mr. Randall horrified._

**MR. RANDALL** :

What the hell is going on here?

_The girls break apart. Max sniffs the air, waves away some of the smoke around his face._

**MAX** :

Donna, did you get into the stuff I hid in the Hendrix sleeve?

_Mr. Randall turns on Max, aghast._

**MAX (cont’d)** :

I mean – what’s that smell?

_Mr. Randall clearly doesn’t believe that, but he lets it go, turning on Donna instead._

**MR. RANDALL** :

(points to Jackie)

Donna, what is this little twerp doing in the recording room?

_Jackie gasps, jumps to her feet._

**JACKIE** :

“Little twerp?” Excuse me? I’m Jackie Burkhart! I’m on TV! That’s twice as good as radio – that’s just science!

**MR. RANDALL** :

(to Donna)

Get her out of here.

**DONNA** :

No! Mr. Randall, Jackie’s my friend. She’s having a hard time right now, and we’re working through it together – live, on-air. It’s a new format for Hot Donna – lovers’ tolls and rock n’ roll.

_Jackie nods. Max chuckles, but Mr. Randall is not amused._

**MR. RANDALL** :

The only format gimmicks I want are the ones we can sell with billboards of blondes in halter tops. Now if you want a long-term career at my station, you’re gonna stick to the regular format. The princess of Munckinland can cry somewhere else.

_Jackie takes a step back in shock. Max, behind Mr. Randall’s back, gives him a dirty look._

_Donna looks from Mr. Randall to Jackie, to her microphone and all around the studio. She takes her headphones off, stands, and crosses to Mr. Randall._

**DONNA** :

You know what, Mr. Randall? I don’t want a long-term job here. In fact, I don’t want any kind of job here anymore.

_Mr. Randall frowns, tilts his head; he doesn’t understand. But Max gives Donna an approving nod, and so does Jackie._

_Donna smiles at them both and races back to the microphone._

**DONNA (cont’d)** :

You hear that, listeners? This is Hot Donna’s last broadcast on WFPP, thanks to scum-sucking Mr. Randall, who you should feel free to protest. But you can still find me on the student radio at UW, where I’ll be attending this fall with my student teacher boyfriend. He’s pretty scrawny, so if you see any football players coming for him, help him get away.

_Jackie races over to the microphone._

**JACKIE** :

And make sure to tune in to next week’s _Jackie_ on Point Place Public Access! It may be our final show – it all depends on the answer my boyfriend gives me! Ya hear that, Steven!

_She and Donna grin. Donna puts an arm around Jackie’s shoulders._

**DONNA** :

And if that boyfriend says “no,” then Hot Donna and the Sandy Sandals get a van and spend the summer touring America!

_She flips on the next song – “Lovin’ Touchin’, Squeezin’” by Journey. Mr. Randall throws his hands up and exits, while Max nods approvingly again and crosses to join the girls as they sway to the music._

****

**BUMPER**

_MUSIC NOTE: “Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’” continues._

**INT. FORMAN GARAGE - NIGHT**

_The garage is in relatively tidy shape. Red’s Toyota rests comfortably in the center, and a large tarp is draped over an indistinguishable shape._

_Red stands at his work station. His back obscures whatever he’s working on as Kitty enters with a jar of preserves and sees Red._

**KITTY** :

What’ve you got there, Red? More of our only son’s favorite toys? What, the dump was too far, so you’re just gonna go at ‘em with a ball pin hammer?

_Red gives a little jump; he didn’t hear Kitty come in. He turns to face her, still shielding his project._

**RED** :

Um...

_The garage door ratchets up, and Eric enters. His shirt is torn, his eye is black, and his hair is ruffled, but he’s never looked more alive. His parents have never looked more shocked at his appearance, either. Eric relishes in their reaction for a second, then points at Red._

**ERIC** :

That’s right, Dad. It’s your son. “Professor Dumbass.” Guess what? I was at a bar. I was in a bar fight. And I WON a bar fight! Yeah, Eric Forman and Steven Hyde got in a bar fight, and I’m the one who saved his ass! With moves I learned from – guess where – Batman, Luke Skywalker, and Hong Kong Phooey!

_He strikes a karate stance and does a few air chops._

_Red and Kitty turn in toward each other to share a look. As Red turns, Eric gets a look at what’s on the workbench._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Dad, is that my old G.I. Joe?

_Red tries to move back in front of the bench, but too late – Kitty pulls the box of Eric’s things from earlier into her arms and goes through it. Except for the Candyland box, everything’s still there._

**KITTY** :

Red, these are Eric’s things you had earlier in the day. Are you keeping them with you in your workplace here?

_Eric takes a step toward Red._

**ERIC** :

Dad – you’re gonna miss me, aren’t you?

_He and Kitty both smile at Red, who looks like a caged squirrel. He squirms as he looks back and forth, from his son to his wife, until he finally straightens up and clears his throat._

**RED** :

Yeah, well...

(to Eric)

If you’re back home more than once a month, I’m throwing all this crap on the grill.

_He turns back to his workbench._

**ERIC:**

(softly)

I’m gonna miss you too, Dad.

_A slight relaxing of the shoulders lets Eric know Red heard him._

_Kitty steps around Red toward Eric._

**KITTY** :

Honey, did you say you saved Steven from a bar fight?

**ERIC** :

Sure did, Mom.

**KITTY** :

You? Saved Steven?

**ERIC** :

Yeah. He’s in the Vista Cruiser, trying to put his shades back together.

**KITTY** :

Are you sure? Maybe – maybe you drank so much, you – you got a little turned around.

**ERIC** :

Okay, I’m feeling really good about myself, so I’m just gonna leave before anyone says any... not good things, and go find Donna. But first – I may have saved Hyde from the bar, but now I’ve gotta take him to face a fate worse than death – an ultimatum from Jackie.

_A gasp from under the tarp startles everyone. Fez and Kelso stick their heads out from under it, with matching eager faces._

**KELSO** :

You think she’ll kick him in the nads this time?

_The Formans all glare down at them._

**RED** :

What the hell are you two doing in my garage?

_He rips the tarp away. The Candyland game is set up between Kelso and Fez, with small piles of M &Ms by both boys’ knees._

_Kelso and Fez look down at the game. They look up at a fuming Red. They scramble to their feet and bolt from the garage. Fez turns around, slides back to the board, gathers up the candy, and flees again._

CUT TO:

**INT. PINCIOTTI LIVING ROOM - NIGHT**

_The girls are home. They share the couch. Jackie, looking much less happy, is curled up on one end with a bowl of popcorn, while Donna sits at the other end. Some instrumental rock plays on the radio._

**JACKIE** :

Oh, my God. He’s gonna say “no.” Steven is gonna say “no,” Donna. I know he’s gonna say “no.”

**DONNA** :

Jackie, you gave Hyde ‘til the end of the month. He’s still got time, and I’m sure he’ll do the right thing. Marriage is just a big step, and you know Hyde always waits until the last minute to do unpleasant but necessary things.

_Jackie tosses a handful of popcorn at Donna, who silently laughs and waves it away._

_Eric enters, head held high._

**ERIC** :

(to Donna)

Hey there, toots.

_Donna looks up, sees Eric. She smiles and crosses to him._

**DONNA** :

Eric, I have great news! I quit my job!

**ERIC:**

Wow!

(beat)

Why?

**DONNA:**

I’m gonna go to UW with you. I’m enrolling in the journalism college and working at the student radio station. We can get an apartment, and we’ll finally be together.

**ERIC:**

Donna, that’s so great.

_He and Donna embrace and kiss. It’s only when they pull apart that Donna notices the state Eric’s in._

**DONNA:**

Oh, my God. What happened to you?

**ERIC:**

I won a bar fight.

**DONNA:**

(beat)

Okay, no, really.

**ERIC:**

Well, if that’s how you feel, I’ll just go have sex with someone who’ll believe me.

_He takes a mock step toward the hallway. Donna, grinning, pulls him back. They embrace and kiss again, but Eric pulls back._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

One second.

_He looks around Donna to Jackie._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

Hey, Jackie? I got something for you.

_He gestures to the doorway into the hall; no one is there. Eric steps into the hall, looks around, and then down at something to the left._

**ERIC (cont’d):**

Oh, here it is.

_He bends down and hauls something up. He drags it into the living room – “it” is Hyde, his shades crooked and his lip busted. Hyde finds his footing and shoves Eric away._

**HYDE:**

All right, all right! You’ve done enough, Forman. And I could’ve handled that fight myself. I just needed that guy to be shorter. And drunker.

_Jackie stands._

**JACKIE:**

Steven?

_Hyde looks up; he’s just noticed Jackie is there._

**HYDE:**

Hey.

_An uncomfortable silence settles into the room. Eric and Donna back up to the far wall as Jackie and Hyde meet in the center, a few feet apart. “Tiny Dancer” by Elton John comes on over the radio._

**HYDE:**

(beat)

So – month’s almost over.

**JACKIE:**

Yes.

(beat)

Do you have something to say?

**HYDE:**

Yeah. Do you have a place to live in Chicago yet?

_A bolt of hurt crosses Jackie’s face. Her eyes turn glassy as she clutches at her chest. Eric shakes his head and Donna looks away._

**JACKIE:**

(voice shaking)

Yes.

**HYDE:**

Good.

_Jackie bows her head; she’s already started to cry._

**HYDE (cont’d):**

Is it in Chicago, or out in the suburbs around Chicago? ‘Cause big cities are full of connections, but if we’re in the suburbs, that might be a problem. I don’t want to have to look too hard or drive too far.

_Jackie, Eric, and Donna are all speechless. None of them knows exactly where Hyde’s going with this._

**JACKIE:**

Steven, what are you saying?

**HYDE:**

What, man? I’m saying – forget this ultimatum crap. You wanna go to Chicago? Let’s go to Chicago.

_Eric and Donna’s jaws drop. Jackie’s does too. She wipes her eyes and reaches a hand out but stops short of touching Hyde._

**JACKIE:**

Wait – Steven, are you saying you’d want to come with me?

(he shrugs)

But – but what about your job? Your future –

**HYDE:**

Jackie, before the Formans took me in, the only “future” I saw was hopping between stints in prison and abusing squatter’s rights so I could say I wasn’t technically homeless. I never saw a future. I just took what came along. I still don’t have a plan for the future, except... except you. And, since you do see a future, and it’s in Chicago... I want to be with you.

_He takes his shades off and tosses them on the couch. With a deep breath, he pulls his eyeball ring off his pinky and holds it out to Jackie, who gasps quietly and takes a step back._

**HYDE (cont’d):**

I love you, Jackie. Marry me?

_Jackie stares at the ring. Eric and Donna lean in, eager for more. Jackie looks up at Hyde’s face._

**JACKIE:**

Your eye ring?

_Her tone is hard to read. Hyde stirs._

**HYDE:**

Look, I know it’s not a diamond or anything, but it’s the only ring I got, and –

_Jackie throws her arms around Hyde’s neck and pulls him into a deep kiss. When it ends, they’re both out of breath._

**HYDE (cont’d):**

(beat)

So that’s a yes?

_The tears are back in Jackie’s eyes, but they come with a smile, the brightest smile Jackie’s ever had._

**JACKIE:**

Yes.

_Hyde gives a relieved sigh; he’s smiling too. He slips his ring onto Jackie’s ring finger and takes her hand in his. A glassy look comes to his eyes – something not missed by a beaming Donna and Eric._

**DONNA:**

(points at Hyde)

Oh, my God. Tears. Tears of joy.

**ERIC:**

(sniffs)

She really is everything our little orphan boy needed.

_Hyde and Jackie both give half-laughs, half-sobs._

**HYDE & JACKIE:**

Get bent.

_Even with that sentiment, Hyde opens his arms as Donna and Eric cross to hug him and Jackie in turn. They quietly slip out of the living room as Hyde and Jackie embrace again. Hyde wipes away Jackie’s tears and she plays with the ring. It’s too big for her finger; she doesn’t care. They kiss as the music swells beyond the radio to fill the scene._

**ELTON JOHN (v.o.):**

_Hold me closer, tiny dancer_

_Count the headlights on the highway_

_Lay me down in sheets of linen_

_You had a busy day today..._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**CREDITS**

**INT. FORMAN GARAGE - NIGHT**

_Fez and Kelso, back at their game. The lights are all out and the tarp is gone; they sit on the ground in the dark, playing by the light of a flashlight Kelso shines down on the board._

**RED (v.o.):**

I’m coming into the garage.

_The boys jump up. Kelso shuts off the light. The screen goes black. We hear frantic footsteps and a loud crash._

**FEZ (v.o.):**

Ai!

**END.**


	41. J/H 7-24: 'Til the Next Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suppose I could have worded the author's notes more clearly last time - some of you thought this was over! XD
> 
> We're not far from that point - there's only one more script after this. 7-23, 7-24, and 7-25 have been the most heavily rewritten of the episodes since "Ice Shack," which started this all. Original material is where I'm most concerned about matching the tone of the show and the voice of the characters, so here's hoping that comes through.

**SHOW TITLE**

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY**

_It’s a beautiful morning to have breakfast to, and ERIC, DONNA, and HYDE are all in the middle of a fabulous bacon/egg/French toast breakfast at the kitchen table. BOB and KITTY talk by the stovetop, where Kitty has fresh plates of bacon and toast waiting._

_Eric and Donna have a brochure unfolded between them that they read while they eat._

**DONNA:**

Eric, this apartment is even better than the one we were going to get the first time we planned on going away together. Can you believe it?

**ERIC** :

(mock doubt)

Hmm... I don’t know, Donna – it may be nice, but can it hold up to the mobile home we almost had?

_Donna gives him an exaggerated “ah.”_

**DONNA** :

You know, that is a good point. We really should see if there’s anything with bedroom, kitchen, and bathroom all crammed into the size of a minivan.

_They share a smile and turn back to the brochure._

**BOB** :

(to Donna)

Well, I’m just happy you’re finally going to college, cupcake. It’s about time you used your potential. You may not end up the president of a company or anything, on account of you’re a gal, but you’ll make one hell of a secretary.

**DONNA** :

Dad, I’ll be studying to become a rock journalist.

**BOB** :

(shrugs)

Either way, we’ll get our money’s worth out of those typewriter lessons you took when you were nine.

_He grabs a handful of bacon and starts working on it as he exits through the patio door._

**DONNA** :

God, just three more days.

(to Eric)

What’s the first thing you wanna do once we get to Madison?

**ERIC** :

You know, I’ve actually been thinking of what I still wanna do here before we leave. I mean, we’re finally getting out, so if there’s anything we still wanna do in Point Place, it’s now or never.

_Kitty looks up from the French toast._

**KITTY** :

Ooh! I have an idea – how about we all spend more time with your mother? Some antique shopping, some macramé classes, and to really top it all off, how about we don’t go off to Madison and leave her all alone?

**ERIC** :

Mom, I’m going. I know I’ve said that before – twice – but you know what they say – “third time’s a charm.”

_Kitty tuts, crosses over with the plate of French toast, and sets it in the center of the kitchen table._

**KITTY** :

Oh, honey, I’m just teasing. Of course, you and Donna have to go. And besides – I won’t be left _all_ alone.

_She steps behind Hyde and catches him off-guard with a hug and a kiss to the top of the head._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

It paid to take in an orphan, didn’t it?

(laughs)

Oh, Steven, I signed Schatzi up for a doggy obedience school next month, and I want you to come with us to the classes. You’re the only person Schatzi listens to about yapping at other dogs or attacking the Andersons’ Great Dane.

_She exits into the living room, all smiles._

_Hyde looks down at his breakfast, avoiding Eric and Donna’s stares._

**ERIC** :

You haven’t told my parents you’re going to Chicago with Jackie at the end of the month, have you?

**HYDE** :

No, I haven’t.

_Red enters from the living room, dressed for work at the muffler shop._

**RED** :

Oh, Steven, glad I caught you – your dad called last night. Said you should get to work early. He’s got some big plans for the future of the store he wants to go over with you.

_He exits out the patio door._

**DONNA** :

(to Hyde)

You didn’t tell your dad you’re leaving either, did you?

**HYDE** :

No, I didn’t.

**ERIC** :

Huh. Well, you’re probably not gonna have fun the next three days, are you?

**HYDE** :

No, I’m not.

_Eric and Donna give exaggerated nods as Hyde keeps at his breakfast._

**MAIN CREDITS**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY**

_Shortly after breakfast. The empty basement is soon filled by Hyde, coming in from his room with a fresh shirt. He’s about to exit out the basement door when it opens, and he’s confronted by a grimacing KELSO and FEZ._

_They advance into the basement, backing Hyde up against the far wall._

**KELSO** :

Well, well. Look who it is. Do you see who it is, Fez?

**FEZ** :

Oh, I see who it is.

**KELSO** :

Yeah, it’s our _former_ good buddy, Hyde. Who was _formerly_ going to stick around when Eric and Donna and Jackie all left. But I guess _that_ was _formerly_.

_He and Fez turn their heads in toward one another, even as they both keep glaring at an unfazed Hyde._

**HYDE** :

Every day, you two get closer to turning into full-on chicks.

**KELSO** :

Man, how can you bail on us like this? We knew Donna was gonna go off to college sooner or later, and we figured Eric would go with her even if he didn’t have anything going on -

**FEZ** :

And it was a good bet he wouldn’t – that one surprised us.

**KELSO** :

Yeah, but he does. And Jackie, she was always gonna get something good in TV, ‘cause she’s hot, but you? You don’t have anything going on in Chicago. You just wanna go ‘cause you love Jackie and wanna be with her. That is so selfish!

_He stomps his foot, for a full measure of “whiny man-child.” Fez takes a step in toward Hyde._

**FEZ** :

You didn’t think, did you? How this would affect your friends? Those you leave behind?

**HYDE** :

Come on, man. It’s not that far a drive to Chicago. Anytime you wanna hang out -

**KELSO** :

It’s not that. If you go, we lose the basement!

**HYDE** :

What?

**KELSO** :

With Eric going away, we were counting on you still being here so Red would let us keep using the basement to hang out! But now that his son and his orphan are both leaving, he’s gonna lock us out for sure!

**FEZ** :

And if we still get in, and he finds us, and you and Eric aren’t around, he will finally kill us.

(whispers)

I have seen it in his eyes.

**HYDE:**

(rolls eyes)

Why don’t you two just hang out at your apartment?

**KELSO** :

My daughter. This basement is where we get to do all the stupid, irresponsible, pointless stuff that makes life fun. You can’t do that when there’s a baby around. So now where are we supposed to do that stuff?

**HYDE** :

Maybe you could try _not_ doing it anymore?

_The three boys stare each other down for a moment, contemplating the thought. They all break into laughter at the same time._

**BUMPER**

**INT. GROOVES - DAY**

_Not dead, but not too busy – the perfect way for a small record store to start off the day. W.B. himself is at the register, along with ANGIE. Among the customers is LEO, jamming out to whatever music is in his headphones in the listening pit._

_Hyde and JACKIE enter, unnoticed by anyone. Jackie has her arms wrapped around Hyde’s right. His eyeball ring is on her left ring finger, despite being too big. While Hyde is stone-faced, Jackie is beaming, her grip on Hyde’s arm visibly shaking with excitement._

**JACKIE** :

Steven, I can’t wait to tell your family we’re getting married! Daddy was so excited when I told him, he promised to wire us a dowry from his Swiss bank account as soon as he gets out of prison!

**HYDE** :

Hey – keep it down, all right? I haven’t even told them we’re moving to Chicago yet. And I don’t think being the boss’s kid makes it any easier to replace a co-manager when you give three days’ notice.

**JACKIE:**

(rolls her eyes)

Fine. I won’t tell anyone yet.

_Leo, seeing them, takes off the headphones and crosses to meet them._

**LEO** :

Hey, dudes.

**JACKIE** :

We’re getting married!

_Hopping in place, she holds out her ring hand for Leo to see. Hyde glares at her._

**HYDE** :

Jackie!

**JACKIE** :

Oh, he won’t remember, he has no short-term memory!

_Leo leans in, takes Jackie’s hand for a closer look at the ring. He looks up to Hyde._

**LEO** :

Hyde, man, you’re getting married? That’s great, man! Do I know the bride?

_Hyde and Jackie share a look and an eye roll._

**LEO (cont’d)** :

(to Hyde)

Hey, you know who you should marry? That loud girl you’re always hanging with.

**JACKIE** :

Leo, I _am_ the loud girl.

**LEO** :

Hey, loud girl, did you hear Hyde’s getting married? He should marry you, man!

_Jackie and Hyde are spared any further Leoisms by W.B. and Angie crossing to join them. W.B. is all smiles._

**W.B.** :

Steven! Here you are. I’ve got some big news for you.

**JACKIE** :

Well, we’ve got some big news for you!

**W.B.** :

Well, why don’t I go first? I’d like to get going for Milwaukee some time before dinner.

_W.B. puts one arm around Hyde, the other around Angie, and leads them a few steps off to the side. Leo and Jackie wander back into the listening pit._

**W.B. (cont’d)** :

I’d like to make a few changes around here. Now, Angie, I’ve noticed you’ve been doing an excellent job lately -

**HYDE** :

Excuse me? Angie doesn’t know anything about music. Someone came in the other day asking for Kiss, and she called him a pervert and slapped him in the face. And what about the time my friend Bob was in, asked for something “Dean Martiny?” She recommended Blondie.

**ANGIE** :

She was the top selling record that week.

**W.B.** :

See, that’s what I’m talking about. Sales, numbers, what’s moving off the shelves – my little girl’s a whiz at all that. That’s why I want her to move back to Milwaukee and help run the corporate office.

**ANGIE** :

Wait, Daddy – are you promoting me?

**W.B.** :

Sure am, honey.

_It’s the biggest smile Angie’s ever had on her face. Her eyes wide, she gives a little squeak and falls over in a blackout. W.B. looks down at her, smiles, and shakes his head._

**W.B. (cont’d)** :

Just like her mother.

**HYDE** :

Uh, W.B., if Angie’s going to Milwaukee, who’s gonna run the store?

**W.B.** :

You are, son! You know music, you’re good with the customers – that’s where you excel. So the store’s all yours.

_Angie starts to come to, though she’s still in quite a daze. W.B. helps her to her feet and guides her back to the register._

_Hyde, less than thrilled, steps back over to a confused Jackie._

**JACKIE** :

Did you tell them?

**HYDE** :

No. And I think I just got stuck with a two-hour commute to work every day.

_He shakes his head as Jackie cocks hers._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY**

_Around lunchtime. Kelso and Fez help themselves to some lunch – potato chips, hot dogs, and soda. They lean on opposite sides of the island as they eat and talk._

**KELSO** : 

I just can’t believe we’re not gonna get to hang out here anymore. No more eating Mrs. Forman’s cooking, no more taking Red’s beers, no more putting fire ants in Eric’s bed to burn him, no more sneaking in at night for sex with his sister...

**FEZ** : 

That is my one regret about my brief marriage to Laurie Forman.

**KELSO** :

The sex?

**FEZ** :

No, that I never got any.

**KELSO** :

Hey, that’s a good point – you were married to Laurie. And I used to do it with her all the time. Red’s gotta love us for that, right? He’s not gonna lock us out once Hyde and Eric are gone!

_The boys nod, scoff at the thought of being thrown out, and trade playful jabs._

_Red enters through the patio door, sees the boys._

**RED** :

Oh – you two.

_They stop goofing around and look to Red._

**RED (cont’d)** :

You know the first thing I’m doing once Eric’s off at college? Calling a locksmith. And I’m not just gonna have him work on the doors.

_He passes through the kitchen into the living room. A crestfallen Kelso and Fez share a look._

**BUMPER**

**INT. ERIC’S BEDROOM – DAY**

_Eric’s room is in a state of tear down. Most of the posters are off the walls and rolled up against the wall, boxes packed with action figure and models are everywhere, and Eric and Donna are in the middle of folding clothes to put into an open suitcase on the bed._

**DONNA** :

(to Eric)

Have you thought about what else you wanna do in Point Place before we leave? Because I don’t think I have anything. I was the local DJ, I helped vandalize the water tower, I burned out a lot – is there really anything else to do in this town?

**ERIC** :

Maybe it’s not things we haven’t done so much as ways of doing things we haven’t tried.

**DONNA** :

What do you mean?

**ERIC** :

I mean... well, take my room.

_He sweeps his arm, indicating the few posters and figures still left up._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

It’s my lair, my Batcave, my Fortress of Solitude, if you will. And there’s a certain something that we’ve done in here before – many times – that I, for one, greatly enjoy.

_Donna silently chuckles, nods; she knows what he’s driving at._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

And I think, before we pack everything away, we could find a way to do that particular thing in a way that fits the milieu of my lair.

**DONNA:**

(laughing)

Okay. What did you have in mind?

_Eric grins, wiggles his eyebrows._

CUT TO:

_Donna sits on the bed, in full PRINCESS LEIA costume. Her hair is even twisted up into the buns. She seems resigned, even mildly amused, to this outfit. Eric sits next to her, hands clasped together, nodding and smiling as he admires her outfit._

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY**

_Red, still dressed for work, and Kitty in her nurse’s uniform, sit at the kitchen table, enjoying a hot dog lunch at home. Kitty has SCHATZI in her lap and feeds him the odd bit of hot dog every so often._

_Hyde and Jackie enter through the patio door. Schatzi gives a friendly yip when he sees Hyde, drawing attention their way._

**KITTY** : 

Oh, there he is!

(laughs)

Schatzi’s looking forward to his doggy classes with his big brother.

(lifts up Schatzi, does “cute” voice)

Yes, he is!

(laughs)

**HYDE** :

Um... yeah. Look, Mrs. Forman -

**RED** :

Kitty, don’t baby talk at the boy. He’s not Eric, for God’s sake.

(to Hyde)

So, Steven, there’s another auto show coming up. Whaddya say we hit the floor?

**HYDE** :

Wow, Red. That sounds great, but...

**JACKIE** :

(to the Formans)

Steven doesn’t have time for doggy classes and auto shows. His dad just gave him the record store to run all on his own.

_Hyde glares at her._

**HYDE** :

Jackie!

_She shrugs; their move and engagement have completely slipped her mind._

**JACKIE** :

What? That’s more responsibility than I ever thought you’d take on at work. I’m proud of you.

**HYDE** :

Well, I can’t take on that responsibility if I go off with you to Chicago.

_Red and Kitty both stand._

**RED & KITTY**:

You WHAT?

_They stare at Jackie and Hyde, who shift awkwardly under their glare. Schatzi growls in Kitty’s arms._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY**

_Right where we left off. Kitty fumes as Red points at Hyde._

**RED** :

You’re moving to Chicago?

(Hyde nods)

When?

**HYDE** :

In three days. The same time Forman’s going to UW.

**KITTY** :

THREE DAYS? There’s no time for doggy classes in three days!

**HYDE** :

Well, that’s when Jackie’s job starts in Chicago, so -

**KITTY** :

(to Jackie)

Oh, I should’ve known this was all your fault, you little tramp!

_She advances on Jackie, handing Schatzi off to Hyde._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

You and that Donna, you’re all alike, with your dolled-up faces and your flashy clothes – and I bet you don’t even wear a bra. You come in here, sweep sons and orphans off their feet, and then what are the mothers left with? What are they supposed to do? You tell me what I am supposed to do!

**JACKIE** :

(beat)

Steven and I are engaged.

_She holds up her left hand and wiggles her ring finger._

_Kitty looks from Jackie’s face to her ring, then back. Her jaw slowly drops. Then she throws her hands up as she bursts into a screaming laughter, that Jackie – hesitantly at first, the enthusiastically – joins in on._

**KITTY** :

Oh, honey, that’s wonderful! And I know this wedding will go through – you are the one person around here who wouldn’t let a little thing like the groom not showing up stop you from getting married!

(laughs)

Oh, I – I need to hear all about it.

_She takes Jackie by the hand and leads her into the living room._

_Hyde and Red stare after the women. Red looks amused; Hyde, shocked._

**HYDE** :

What the hell was that? Jackie just totally diffused everything.

**RED** :

That’s because there’s something she knows that you’ve got to learn – no matter how old they get, women are always excited by weddings.

(turns to Hyde)

So – marriage and Chicago, eh? Are you ready?

**HYDE** :

(beat)

Yeah.

_Red offers his hand, and Hyde shakes it._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

Any advice?

**RED** :

Yeah – don’t let your kids bring their friends over to your house. Before lunch, I caught the moron and the foreigner trying to force the windows open. I had to chase ‘em off with the garden hose.

_Hyde slowly nods as Red sits back down to his lunch._

CUT TO:

**INT. ERIC’S BEDROOM - DAY**

_Concurrent with the previous scene. Eric and Donna are still on the bed, Donna still taking Eric’s admiring gaze with good humor._

**ERIC** :

Donna, thank you so much for doing this. This is... _wow_. I don’t – I don’t even know where to start.

**DONNA:**

Well, Princess Leia’s force field is down, so you can start wherever you want.

**ERIC** :

Well, Donna, Leia doesn’t have a force field. Force fields are for – you know what, I’m too excited to quibble! Okay, so... can I start by touching your buns?

**DONNA** :

What, you want to touch my butt?

**ERIC** :

No, not those buns. You know...

(points to her hair)

The buns.

**DONNA:**

Eric, that seems kinda weird.

**ERIC** :

Yeah, you know what? That is, like, a little weird. Maybe I’ll just rub my face up against one of ‘em.

**DONNA:**

But Eric -

**ERIC** :

Um, okay, Donna – from now on, the only thing I’d like you to say is, “use the Force, Eric.”

**DONNA** :

Okay, that seems really -

**ERIC** :

_Donna..._

_He tilts his head down, gives her “the look.” She sighs, turns her head so he has a better angle on the left bun._

**DONNA** :

Use the Force, Eric.

_Eric nods, scoots in closer, and gently caresses Donna’s left bun with his face._

**ERIC** :

Leia... oh, Leia...

_Donna rolls her eyes, but lets Eric keep at it._

**BUMPER**

**INT. GROOVES – DAY**

_Later in the afternoon. The crowd has thinned slightly, though Leo is still in the listening pit and W.B. is still around. He and Angie are reviewing paperwork at the register when Hyde and Jackie enter and cross to them._

**HYDE** :

W.B., man, I’ve gotta talk to you.

**ANGIE** :

(to Hyde)

If it’s about Bottle Rocket Friday Nights, I already told him.

**HYDE** :

No...

(to W.B.)

I can’t manage the store.

**ANGIE** :

(to W.B.)

Called it.

_She opens the register and takes out a 20; apparently, she and W.B. had a bet going about this._

_W.B. frowns, looks up at Hyde._

**W.B.** :

Steven, I’ve told you – I won’t let you quit on me. I know you can handle this store on your own.

**HYDE** :

It’s not that. I’ve just got something else going.

**W.B.** :

“Something else going?” Like what?

**JACKIE** :

Me!

_She extends her left hand and wiggles her ring finger. W.B. and Angie lean in for a closer look._

**ANGIE** :

(skeptical)

You’re selling eyeball rings?

**JACKIE** :

(pulls her hand back)

We’re getting married, you whore!

_W.B. and Angie both glare at her._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

(to W.B.)

You can’t hit a girl.

_She hides behind Hyde, who shakes his head and sighs._

**HYDE** :

(to W.B.)

We’re engaged, man. And Jackie’s got a TV job in Chicago, so we’re moving there at the end of the month.

**ANGIE** :

That’s in three days.

**HYDE** :

Yeah, well, that’s more notice than I was gonna give.

**ANGIE** :

What were you gonna give us?

**HYDE** :

I was gonna not show up for work in three days.

_W.B.’s frown deepens. He steps out from behind the register, crosses to Hyde._

**W.B.** :

Steven, I’m very disappointed.

**HYDE** :

Hey, I don’t owe you anything. I never said I was looking for a long-term future with you. Jackie’s the one with all the future plans, and I wanna be with her.

_Jackie “awws,” hugs Hyde from behind. He shifts in her arms to get his arm around her shoulder, and they both look defiantly up at W.B._

**W.B.** :

Steven, you didn’t let me finish. I’m disappointed because now I’ve only got three days to get you set up at the Chicago Grooves.

_He sees their shocked faces and smiles._

**W.B. (cont’d)** :

Grooves is a chain, man. I’ve got these stores all over the Midwest!

(offers his hand)

This is great news, son. And you’re right – you’ve got your own life to live. But if you want to run the Chicago Grooves, I’ll make the call.

**HYDE** :

(takes W.B.’s hand)

Wow. Uh – thanks, man.

**W.B.** :

(to Jackie)

And congratulations. I know you’ll give ‘em hell.

(points at Hyde)

You give it to him all the time anyway.

_Jackie rolls her eyes but smiles back. Hyde kisses her on her forehead._

**ANGIE** :

(crosses to the others)

Wait... who’s going to run the Grooves here then?

_Leo comes up behind Hyde, puts a hand on his shoulder._

**LEO** :

Hey, dudes.

_Hyde and Jackie look to Leo. Very slowly, very knowingly, they look to W.B. and Angie. Neither of them looks in any way convinced._

**W.B.** :

(to Hyde)

You’re sure about this?

**HYDE** :

Yeah, man, Leo’s a good guy.

(puts arm around Leo)

He used to run the Fotohut in town. And he only locked himself out of it twice.

**LEO** :

Actually, it was three times, but I got in through the window I left open.

_W.B. and Angie still don’t look convinced, but they don’t have any other available options. Hyde and Jackie nod, satisfied, and they each clap a grinning Leo on the back._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**TITLE CARD**

_CARD 1: Three weeks later_

_CARD 2: Eric Forman’s house_

_CARD 3: August 31, 1979_

_CARD 4: 10:45 a.m._

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - DAY**

_Late morning. The EL CAMINO and VISTA CRUISER are both in the driveway, and both are loaded up with boxes, bags, and suitcases. Donna is adjusting the ties around the bags on top of the Vista Cruiser, while Jackie adjusts the boxes in the flatbed of the El Camino. They talk as they work._

**DONNA** :

And then he brought out this whole stormtrooper outfit and had me reenact that scene where Luke rescues Leia from the prison cell. Except we didn’t so much “escape” as “have sex.” In costume.

**JACKIE** :

Okay, Donna, do yourself a favor: when you get to UW, don’t tell _anyone_ you’re dating the _Star Wars_ sex student teacher.

**DONNA** :

It wasn’t that bad. Eric was happy. Plus, after we were done, he did something I always wanted to do in my room.

**JACKIE** :

Oh, yeah? What?

_Donna checks the Forman’s patio; no one is there. She looks up and down the street; no one is around. Even with the coast all clear, she beckons Jackie over and whispers the answer into her ear. That answer makes Jackie gasp, clasp a hand over her mouth, and grab Donna’s wrist with the other hand as both girls start giggling._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY**

_It’s a subdued gathering of the guys in a markedly stripped-down basement; most of the games, most of the toys, most of the records are gone. Eric and Hyde are busy packing up the last of their things while Kelso and Fez sulk on the couch._

**FEZ** :

Well, here we are. Our last time in the basement together, just us guys.

(to Eric, Hyde)

I am going to miss you two. You are good people.

**ERIC** :

Miss you too, buddy.

**FEZ** :

You were the first people to look out for me when I came to this country. The first to welcome me into your home. The first to give me beer and booby magazines.

(sniffs)

Oh, here come the water works.

_He puts a hand over his face as the tears swell up._

**KELSO** :

Yeah, I’ll miss you guys too. And the girls. Mostly the girls. I’ll even miss Hyde frogging me ‘cause of stuff I say about Jackie.

_As Hyde passes behind the couch with a few shirts, he pauses to frog Kelso in the arm._

**HYDE** :

There you go, man. Parting shot.

**KELSO** :

Thanks, Hyde. And I really am gonna miss this basement. No more late night drinking, no more sex on the couch. It’s the end of an era. I guess your friends moving away and the responsibility of watching your illegitimate child on weekends really can change your life.

_Eric and Hyde, boxes in hand, pause on their way to the stairs and look to Kelso._

**ERIC** :

Wait – you only have Betsy on weekends?

**KELSO** :

Yep.

_He doesn’t get it, and neither does the still-sobbing Fez. Eric and Hyde share a pitying look._

**ERIC:**

(to Kelso)

Doesn’t that mean you have the whole week to, like, do all the stupid, irresponsible, pointless things in your apartment that you used to do here?

_Slowly, Kelso and Fez look up from their brooding. Slowly, they turn toward one another. At once, they spring out of their seats, embrace each other, and dance around in circles, screaming in incoherent delight at this revelation._

_Eric and Hyde both smile, shake their heads, and head up the stairs._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – DAY**

_Red sits in his chair, alone in the room. He has an envelope in one hand and a pocketknife in the other. When the kitchen door opens and Eric and Hyde enter, he stands and faces the boys._

**RED** :

Ah, boys, there you are. I wanted to talk to you before you leave. I don’t know if you know this, but I’ve been looking forward to having you, and anyone your age, out of the house for a long time.

**ERIC** :

(flat)

Oh, really? Did you notice that, Hyde?

**HYDE** :

You know, I think I got that impression once or twice.

**ERIC** :

Was it when he said, “it will be more glorious than D-Day?”

**HYDE** :

(snaps his free hand)

That was it.

**RED** :

Yeah. Well...

(to Eric)

You’re my son –

(to Hyde)

And you are a fine young man. So... here.

_He hands Hyde the envelope._

**RED (cont’d)** :

It’s all the money you’ve paid in rent over the years, plus the interest it picked up in your savings account.

_Hyde sets his box down, takes the envelope, opens it up._

**HYDE** :

Whoa.

**RED** :

I was tempted to blow that all on booze. Don’t you fall for that idea.

(to Eric)

And Eric – here.

_Eric sets his box down and, very reverentially, takes the knife._

**ERIC** :

This is your pocketknife from Korea. You said if I ever touched it, I’d meet the same fate as hundreds of other godless commies.

**RED:**

Well, I want you to have it. And I want you to know that I’m gonna miss you, and I love you.

**ERIC** :

Wait a second. What did you just say?

**RED** :

You heard me.

_He opens his arms and pulls Eric into a hug, which Eric returns._

**ERIC** :

Thank you, Dad.

_Red breaks the hug first. He turns to embrace Hyde, who hugs him back. When they finish, Red claps both boys on the shoulder. They pocket their gifts, pick up their boxes, and exit through the kitchen door._

CUT TO:

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - DAY**

_Eric and Hyde step outside to find Bob holding Donna in a tight, swaying embrace. He’s already blubbering._

**BOB** :

Oh, I’m gonna miss you, pumpkin.

**DONNA** :

I’ll miss you too, Dad. But don’t start eating whole trays of lasagna by yourself, like you did when I was in California.

_Bob lets her go._

**BOB** :

(sniffs)

I only promise to try.

_He pulls a hankie from his pocket and dabs his eyes as he walks off._

_Eric and Hyde join the girls by the cars, set their boxes down. Donna crosses to Hyde._

**DONNA** :

Hyde, I’m gonna miss you.

_They hug._

_Jackie crosses to Eric._

**JACKIE** :

Eric, I’ll miss you too. You’ve always been very special to me.

**ERIC** :

(skeptical)

Okay, Jackie, I think the first thing you should do when you get to Chicago is see a psychiatrist.

_Jackie rolls her eyes and opens her arms for a hug. Eric nods, lets her hug him, gives a very light one back. When they finish, Jackie crosses to Donna._

**JACKIE** :

And of course, I’ll miss you. My big, clumsy lumberjack.

**DONNA** :

My annoying little midget.

_They smile and hug._

_Eric and Hyde turn to face each other._

**HYDE** :

Hey, man. I got you something for your place in Madison.

**ERIC** :

Yeah? Well, I got you something for your place in Chicago.

_Each pulls out a paper bag. They trade bags, turn away, and look inside. They turn back to each other, all grins._

**HYDE/ERIC** :

Nice./All right.

_They clasp hands and pull into a hug. The girls come up behind them and turn it into a group hug._

_A crying Fez and a grinning Kelso come running out from around the house._

**FEZ** :

MY BUDDIES!

_They crash into the group hug, joining in on it._

_The patio door opens and a sobbing Kitty comes running out, Schatzi in her arms._

**KITTY** :

MY BABY!

_She worms her way into the heart of the group hug to get at Eric. Bob comes running back up the street to hug the group too. Red steps out from the house, but doesn’t join in._

**ERIC** :

What? Yeah, okay. This is – this is nice. Yeah. It’s actually getting a little hard to breathe. Okay, that’s good, everyone! Stop now!

_The group hug breaks. Kelso takes Fez in his arms as he continues to cry. Hyde scratches Schatzi’s head “goodbye,” then lets Kitty retreat into Red’s arms. He and Jackie get into the El Camino._

_Donna crosses to Eric._

**DONNA** :

This is it. We’re finally off to the rest of our lives.

**ERIC** :

Together.

**DONNA** :

Yeah – together.

_They kiss. Donna climbs into the passenger seat of the Vista Cruiser._

_Eric moves to the driver’s side door, takes one last look around his childhood home._

**ERIC** :

(quietly)

So long, Point Place.

_He gives a small wave to the town. He climbs in and starts the car. The El Camino starts too. (MUSIC NOTE: instrumental version of “That 70s Song.”) The El Camino pulls away first, then the Vista Cruiser. Bob, Fez, Kelso, and the Formans all wave goodbye as the cars drive off, Kitty waving one of Schatzi’s little paws._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**CREDITS**

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT**

_A few days later. The basement is still stripped down to just the furniture. Red is at the door. With great relish, he turns the newly installed locks. He savors the click, gives an approving nod. He crosses to the couch, sits down, and turns on the TV to a football game._

_Red watches in contentment, at first. His smile slowly fades. He looks to his left and his right. He looks back at the door and back at the stairs. He sighs. His arms fold across his chest and his face settles into a scowl._

**RED** :

Ah, hell. It’s too damn quiet in here!

**END.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Scheduling note - the final chapter will drop next Wednesday, not Monday.


	42. J/H 7-25: That '70s Finale

**SHOW TITLE**

**TITLE CARD**

_CARD 1: Eric Forman’s house_

_CARD 2: December 31, 1979_

_CARD 3: 8:45 p.m._

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - NIGHT**

_It’s New Year’s Eve - the end of the ‘70s. The Forman kitchen isn’t decorated, but it is filled with trays of crackers, cheese, carrots, celery sticks, peanut butter, raisins – any number of snacks and party foods. RED and KITTY, dressed in warm but semi-formal clothes, are in the kitchen. Kitty works on the icing of a chocolate cake at the stovetop, while Red stands next to her, eyeing one of the snack trays. He reaches for a miniature sausage, but Kitty, without looking up, smacks his hand away._

**RED** :

Kitty, for God’s sake, this food’s been sitting here for almost an hour. Do you want me to just go hungry until 1980 gets here?

**KITTY** :

No, just until our guests come.

_She finishes icing the cake, sets down the knife, and clasps her hands together._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

Oh, I’m so excited! Everyone, together again! You know, we haven’t seen any of the kids since Eric went off to college. Donna’s with him, Steven and Jackie are so busy in Chicago, and Michael and Fez stopped coming by after you caught them trying Michael’s skeleton key on the basement door.

_Red nods with pride._

**KITTY (cont’d)** :

And, with the snowstorm, the only one who made it home for Christmas was Laurie, who stuck around just long enough to get her cash present before running on back to -

**RED** :

College.

**KITTY:**

Red, that girl is living with a French-Canadian -

**RED** :

College.

_He refuses to meet Kitty’s frown; he has his story, and he’s sticking to it. Kitty shrugs it off, picks up a tray of snacks, and exits into..._

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT**

_Kitty, with Red right behind her, sets the tray down on the coffee table._

**KITTY** :

Admit, Red Forman. You’re excited to see the kids again too.

**RED** :

I was excited when they left. Their visits, I tolerate.

_Before Kitty can reply to that, the doorbell rings. She and Red both hurry to the door._

**KITTY** :

Oh, that must be them.

_She throws the door open and finds KELSO and FEZ, bundled up for the December chill. Kelso throws his arms wide while Fez readies a noisemaker._

**KELSO** :

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

_Fez gives the noisemaker a toot. He and Kelso grin broadly while Red rolls his eyes and Kitty manages a smile._

**MAIN CREDITS**

**BUMPER**

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT**

_The initial disappointment that they aren’t Eric having passed, Kitty warmly beckons Kelso and Fez into her home, giving each boy a hug in turn._

**KITTY** :

Oh, boys! It is so nice to see you again!

**KELSO** :

It’s great to see you, Mrs. Forman. We’ve missed you.

**FEZ** :

Yes. I am around a lot of old ladies at the salon, but none with your kindness, your way with bridge, or your foxy good looks.

_He gives Kitty a would-be seductive glance. She smiles uncomfortably; Red scowls._

**RED** :

And I’ll be none of them have a foot ready to go up your ass.

**KELSO** :

Ah, there’s our Red! C’mere, you!

_He and Fez open their arms and advance, as if to hug Red._

**RED** :

Don’t touch me.

_The boys back off. Instead, they shed their coats and stroll into the living room and sit down on the couch, helping themselves to the snack tray._

**KELSO** :

All right, New Year’s 1980! That’s, like, a new century! Are we the first ones here? I figured Donna at least would’ve shown up by now.

**KITTY** :

You mean Eric and Donna.

**FEZ** :

Oh, I’m not sure about that. The last time we called them, Donna answered, and when we asked to talk to Eric, she said that Eric was in his new apartment.

_Red and Kitty’s jaws drop; they haven’t heard a thing about this._

**KELSO** :

Then she said, “oops,” and we asked, “what’s up with you two,” and she said “nothing,” but it was the kind of “nothing” we always used to say when we broke something around here and you caught us but we tried to cover it up.

**FEZ** :

Then we offered to drive to Madison to console her – sexually. That’s when she hung up.

_They turn back to the snack tray as Red and Kitty share stunned looks._

**KITTY** :

Eric’s in a new apartment?

**RED** :

Don’t tell me that dumbass screwed things up with Donna again! He’s had half the damn decade to get it right!

**KITTY** :

(to Kelso, Fez)

Are they broken up? Are they moving?

**FEZ:**

We don’t know. We haven’t talked to them in a while.

**KELSO:**

We’ve been pretty busy.

**KITTY** :

Oh – yes. I’m sorry, boys. Michael, is watching your daughter on weekends working out? And how are things with you boys, sharing an apartment?

**KELSO/FEZ** :

Awesome./It’s magical.

_They both look up with matching dopey grins. Track in on their faces, and we begin:_

_MONTAGE. Set to “It’s a Sunshine Day” by the Brady Bunch._

_A) Kelso and Fez, looking straight into the camera and walking in exaggerated jaunts in time to the music in front of an obvious green screen of a town street on a bright sunny day._

_B) CONVIENIENCE STORE, run down and poorly stocked. A MASKED ROBBER is holding up the CLERK with a knife. Two cops burst through the door, one of them Kelso. The robber keeps his knife pointed at the clerk as he backs up. The cops draw their mace. Kelso is holding his backwards – something he only realizes when he shoots. He hurls back, his can of mace flying. Kelso crashes into the outside shelf and sets off the dominos, knocking every shelf in the building down even as he rolls over them, kicking in pain and grasping at his eyes._

_C) SALON. On a busy day where every stylist is taken, a long line still forms for Fez. We track along the line until we reach Fez, hard at work on an ATTRACTIVE GINGER WOMAN. Fez is on the final stage – drying and styling. He sits the woman all the way up, revealing soft waves. The ginger pats her hair in stunned ecstasy. Fez holds up a mirror so she can have a better look. The ginger stands and offers him her hand. He goes in for a kiss instead. She slaps him, sending his face crashing into the still-full sink._

_D) KELSO AND FEZ’S APARTMENT. It is late at night, and the place appears empty. The door swings open and Kelso enters, wrapped around a BUXOM BLONDE. The two of them make out furiously all the way to the bedroom door, which Kelso manages to open without disentangling himself. They start to make their way into the room, but what’s inside causes the blonde to shriek. Kelso, when he gets a look, averts his eyes. The blonde flees from the apartment. Kelso tries to beckon her back, but fails. He turns the lights on and charges into the bedroom. Fez emerges, his fly and his belt open, and he runs around the apartment, chased by Kelso._

_E) KELSO AND FEZ’S APARTMENT. The boys on the couch, a trashed apartment all around them. They each have a keg of beer and a tap. They link arms and spray into their mouths._

_F) KELSO AND FEZ’S APARTMENT. MUSIC CHANGE: a music box rendition of “Hush, Little Baby.” The weekend is here, and the apartment is immaculately clean. BROOKE is in the doorway with BETSY. She hands Betsy off to Kelso, and her baby carrier to Fez, then exits. Kelso rocks Betsy gently in his arms as he and Fez both lean in to make goo-goo faces at her._

_G) KELSO AND FEZ’S APARTMENT. Kelso, on the couch, feeds Betsy her bottle as Fez watches from behind._

_H) KELSO AND FEZ’S APARTMENT. Kitchen area. Fez burps Betsy while Kelso plays with a teddy bear._

_I) KELSO AND FEZ’S APARTMENT. Bedroom. A baby crib is set up, with Betsy inside. Kelso and Fez look in on the crib. Kelso strums a guitar as he and Fez sing Betsy a lullaby._

_J) KELSO AND FEZ’S APARTMENT. The weekend is over. Brooke is back in the doorway. She collects Betsy from Kelso’s arms. With a smile, she exits, and Kelso and Fez smile and wave her goodbye. Once she’s gone, and the door is shut, there is a MUSIC CHANGE back to “It’s a Sunshine Day,” and Kelso and Fez both pull out beer cans. They shake them up, crack them open, and spray the foam at each other._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT**

_Back to the present. Kelso and Fez both nod contentedly at the picture of their life. Red and Kitty seem much less pleased._

**RED** :

You two aren’t getting back in here once we’re in the ‘80s.

**BUMPER**

_MUSIC NOTE: “Last Dance” by Donna Summer._

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT**

_A short time later. The music continues, as a song over the radio. The party is properly underway, and it’s a bigger crowd than just the kids. W.B. and ANGIE stand on the stairs, chatting with Brooke. LEO sifts through a bowl of mixed nuts on the bar with his fingers while Kitty stands behind the bar, making herself a drink. CASEY KELSO walks the floor while nursing a rum and coke, and MR. AND MRS. KELSO, along with several burly boys who can only be KELSO’S OTHER BROTHERS, mingle with FEZ’S OLD HOST PARENTS and PASTOR DAVE. Red and BOB stand off by the kitchen door, drinking beer._

_Kelso and Fez, standing by couch, happily take in the scene._

**KELSO** :

This is so great. It’s just like old times. We’ve got Leo, we’ve got Bob, we’ve got Mrs. Forman getting drunk and flirting with my brother.

_Sure enough, Casey has made it to the bar, and is chatting up Kitty while she mixes her drink._

**CASEY** :

So I says to the guy, “for that kind of money, what the hell?” And now I’m dancing at the club.

_Kitty, breathless, leans on the bar and gazes up at Casey’s face._

**KITTY:**

(swooning)

Oh, _yes_.

_Over by the kitchen door, Bob smiles as he looks over the party. Red scowls, but an unusually peaceful scowl._

**RED** :

Look at all these freeloaders. Just when I was getting used to having my house back, too.

**BOB** :

You seem pretty relaxed about it, Red. Usually by now, you’re threatening to call the cops on your own party and tell ‘em the guests are trespassing.

**RED** :

(shrugs)

Yeah, well... we’re closing out a decade, after all, and it makes Kitty happy, seeing everybody again.

_He nods his wife’s way; Kitty and Leo are happily chatting._

**RED (cont’d)** :

And I’ll admit – it’s not so bad, having a _little_ break from all the peace and quiet. But I tell ya, Bob – having the kids out of the house is everything I dreamed it would be.

_He gives a small smile, sighs, and looks up. Slow zoom in on his face as we cut to:_

_MONTAGE. Set to an orchestral arrangement of “Anchors Aweigh.”_

_A)_ _FORMAN LIVING ROOM. The middle of the day. A clearly unhappy Red is slumped in his chair, clicker in hand. He mindlessly clicks his way through the TV channels, while occasionally looking around the room with a deep frown._

_B) FORMAN AND SON. A dead day for business. Red stands at the counter, leaning on the countertop with his head in his hands; he’s bored out of his skull. He looks around his empty shop before fiddling with a wrench on the countertop._

_C) FORMAN BASEMENT. Some work has been done to redecorate the basement into a gentleman’s retreat, as Red once envisioned, but that work is limited and halfhearted; a few hunting trophies and Packers merchandise left scattered around the room. Red sits on the couch, punching one hand into a catcher’s mitt, as he looks around the basement._

_D) FORMAN KITCHEN. Red, dressed for work, reads the newspaper at the kitchen table while Kitty cleans the stovetop. An empty water glass is by Red’s elbow. As he turns the page, he knocks the glass to the floor, where it shatters. Red immediately jumps to his feet and flies into an exaggerated fit of yelling, shaking his fists, and glaring up at the ceiling. Kitty nonchalantly collects the glass pieces as Red keeps going._

_E) FORMAN LIVING ROOM. Red is in his chair again, this time with a bottle of beer. SCHATZI sleeps at his feet. Red takes a covert glance, makes sure Schatzi is sleeping. He tips his beer so that a small amount splashes onto the carpet by Schatzi’s rear. As soon as a spot is visible, Red jumps up, shakes his fist at a still-sleeping Schatzi, and scolds him as if he had an accident._

_F) FORMAN MASTER BEDROOM. Red paces back and forth, ranting at raving and shaking his finger directly into the camera. A reverse shot reveals his real target - a PHOTO OF ERIC._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT**

_Back to the present, and back to the party. Red shakes off his mental recap of the last few months and turns back to Bob._

**RED** :

You know, Bob, we haven’t seen you over here much lately. How about we keep it that way?

**BOB** :

(chuckles)

Hey, I’ve got no wife, no daughter – I’m free to do whatever I want. It’s a busy time for Bob.

CUT TO:

**INT. PINCIOTTI LIVING ROOM – DAY**

_A day in the life of “busy time” Bob. He sits in front of the TV with a tray of lasagna. THE LOVE BOAT is on the tube. Bob shovels what’s left of the lasagna into his face with a fork and sets the tray down. He belches and opens his belt. Patting his stomach, he lets out a long sigh. A flicker of discomfort crosses his face; matters are afoot down below. Bob stands and crosses to the bathroom, disappearing inside._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT**

_Back to the present._

****

**BOB** :

(to Red)

So, when are the kids getting here?

**RED** :

Ya got me. Say – you haven’t heard from Donna lately, have you? Because Kelso said something about Eric moving into a new apartment.

**BOB** :

New apartment? What’s going on?

_Kitty, walking the floor, overhears and rushes to join in on the conversation._

**KITTY** :

(to Bob)

You didn’t know either?

**BOB** :

It’s the first I’m hearing about it. Did your bastard run off on my little girl again?

**KITTY** :

Well, how do you know your harlot didn’t dump my baby boy again?

**BOB:**

Don’t you call my Donna a harlot, Kitty!

**KITTY:**

Don’t you call my Eric a bastard!

_Bob looks ready to retort, but Red steps between them._

**RED** :

All right, let’s not spoil the new year. Let’s just agree that they’re both morons and give ‘em hell when they show up.

_The doorbell rings and the door opens, but it isn’t Eric or Donna. It’s JACKIE and HYDE, both snazzily dressed for the party and for the winter weather. Jackie has an enormous bag slung over her arm._

**JACKIE** :

Happy New Year!

_Kitty hurries over to them, Red right behind her. She immediately snatches Hyde up into a crushing hug. Jackie does the same with Red._

**KITTY/JACKIE** :

Steven! My second son! Oh, I’ve missed you./Mr. Forman! Oh!

**HYDE** :

(cringing in her hug)

No, that’s all right, Mrs. Forman... no, you don’t have to... ugh, okay, I missed you too!

_He gives her a light hug back, which is enough to get her to release him. Red, meanwhile, cringes in Jackie’s hug._

**RED** :

(to Jackie)

You couldn’t have outgrown this in Chicago?

_She lets him go, just in time for Kelso and Fez to come running up. She meets them in a big group hug._

**JACKIE** :

Michael! Fezzie!

**KELSO/FEZ** :

Jackie!/We missed you!

**JACKIE** :

Oh, I missed you too –

(stern)

Get your hands off of there.

_They let go, but don’t get back in time to avoid Hyde slugging them both in the arm._

**KELSO** :

(to Hyde)

And we missed that too. C’mere, Hyde!

_The boys have a quick group hug of their own. Kelso and Fez give Hyde a once-over, Kelso fiddling with Hyde’s jacket._

**KELSO (cont’d)** :

Man, look at you – new jacket, new shirt, new watch, new boots... the only thing old about you is your face.

**HYDE** :

Well, man, somethin’ told me that ringing in a new decade was a time to break out the nice duds. And that something kept telling me, hour after hour after hour, ‘til I finally said, “would you shut up, Jackie? I’ll do it already.”

**JACKIE** :

(teasing)

Well, what’s the point of buying my man nice outfits if I don’t get to show ‘em off once in a while?

_She plays with Hyde’s collar._

**FEZ** :

Jackie, you paid for Hyde’s fancy threads?

**JACKIE** : 

Fez, do you know how much money I make, working on TV? I pay for _everything_. I said a lot of things about those feminists growing up, and they’re still totally wrong about hair and lipstick and how men are supposed to carry you over puddles and everything – but making the most money kind of kicks ass.

**HYDE** : 

Works out for me, too. She always leaves her purse lying around. I’ve never had an easier time picking someone’s pocket.

_He and Jackie smile at each other, she “awws.” She leans against his chest as he puts his arm around her shoulders._

**JACKIE** :

Oh! I almost forgot –

_She stands up straight, reaches into her bag, and pulls out a brandy bottle._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

Mrs. Forman, we got you something for Christmas. My mom took off for Tijuana, and she left the cabinet where she keeps her good brandy unlocked.

_She presents Kitty with the bottle._

**KITTY** :

Ooh, honey, let’s you and me mosey on over to the bottle opener.

_Laughing, she leads Jackie to the bar._

_Hyde pulls a small envelope from his jacket, hands it to Red._

**HYDE** :

Here you go, Red. A little late Christmas present.

_Red takes the envelope, opens it up. He nearly drops the contents as his eyes bug out._

**RED** :

(breathless)

Season Packers tickets.

(looks up at Hyde)

You know I don’t usually do this.

_He throws himself at Hyde in a tight hug. Hyde smirks, pats Red on the back, and gently eases him back._

**HYDE** :

Yeah, they’re from me and Forman. He knew he was gonna be late, so he asked me to bring ‘em.

**RED** :

(pockets tickets)

Say, when was the last time you spoke to Eric? What’s going on with this new apartment he’s got?

_Jackie looks over from the bar as Kitty pours two glasses of brandy._

**JACKIE** :

You don’t know? We were gonna ask you.

**KITTY** :

(to Jackie)

No, we don’t know anything. Have you heard from Donna at all?

**JACKIE** :

Well, we were over at their apartment for Thanksgiving, and everything seemed fine. Then, a few weeks ago, they said they were going to be gone for the weekend and asked us to housesit, and that’s when we noticed all of Eric’s stuff was gone. But when we asked them about it, all they said was, “we’re moving.”

_Red, Hyde, Kelso, and Fez step down to the bar, and Bob crosses the room to join them._

**BOB** :

“We?” As in both of ‘em?

**KITTY:**

But only Eric’s things were gone?

**JACKIE** : 

(nods)

And then, when Eric and Steven went to get the Packers tickets, Donna asked me to help her with her hair. She was taking forever to dry it out, so I started going through her mail, and it turns out she has a passport.

**BOB** :

A passport?

**KITTY** :

Oh, my God.

**RED** :

What the hell is going on with those two?

_Everyone shifts on their feet as worry crosses their faces._

**HYDE:**

This is an unsettling and awkward situation. It calls for beer.

_He crosses the room and disappears into the kitchen._

_The tension broken, Kelso, Fez, and Bob disperse into the party while Jackie goes behind the bar to sip her brandy. Kitty takes hers in hand, moves to Red’s side._

**KITTY** :

(pained)

Oh, Red.

**RED** :

(embraces her)

Look, Kitty, I know this all sounds bad. But Steven said Eric’s on his way, and I’m sure he’ll explain everything. And, if he doesn’t, I’ll make him. He knows I still can.

_Kitty leans into his hug, wraps her arms around his waist. Her eyes flicker over to the coffee table, where the tray of snacks is now empty._

**KITTY** :

(softly)

Do you think you could get the other tray from the kitchen?

**RED** :

Sure.

_He kisses her forehead, lets her go. He crosses into..._

**INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – NIGHT**

_... And is greeted by the sight of Hyde standing at the open fridge, SCHATZI in his arms. Hyde is feeding Schatzi an uncooked hot dog when he looks up, sees Red._

**HYDE** :

(beat)

Schatzi’s upset about Forman and Donna too.

_Red frowns, crosses his arms._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**COMMERCIAL**

**BUMPER**

_MUSIC NOTE: “Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In” by The 5 th Dimension._

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT**

_The party goes on. Hyde, having shed his jacket, is now talking with W.B., Angie, and Leo on the stairs while petting Schatzi. Fez, his host parents, and Brooke chat by the organ. Red and Pastor Dave stand together near the kitchen door. Bob and most of the Kelso clan have the bar._

_Kitty sits in Red’s chair, with Jackie (also sans jacket) and Kelso on the couch. They all have glasses of brandy, but Kitty is the farthest along on hers._

**KITTY** :

Why? Why would my son do this? Why is he keeping so many secrets? Is he worried what we’ll think of him? Because mothers don’t judge – they love. And sometimes get very, very disappointed.

**JACKIE** :

Okay, Mrs. Forman, I know all this stuff with Eric and Donna has upset you. But, on the bright side – Steven and I set a date for our wedding!

_She produces invitations from her bag – large scrolls with sealed ribbons. She gives one each to Kitty and Kelso, who wastes no time opening his up._

**KELSO** :

(reading)

“Steven and Jaqueline Burkhart-Hyde cordially request the honor of your presence at the celebration of their union – March 21, 1980, St. James Cathedral, Chicago.”

(to Jackie)

Isn’t that, like, one of the biggest churches in the city?

**JACKIE** :

Yep. That was the deal we made – a big, fancy wedding for me, a “special” honeymoon in Amsterdam for Steven.

**KITTY** :

Well, honey, all honeymoons are special.

_She doesn’t get it, and Jackie and Kelso don’t enlighten her._

**KITTY (cont’d):**

Oh, this does sound lovely, Jackie. And of course, we’ll be there. And maybe, while we’re in Chicago, we’ll even get a chance to see you on TV again. We don’t get your show here in Wisconsin.

**KELSO** :

Yeah, how’s that going, being entertainment anchor?

**JACKIE** :

Michael, it’s me. I’m fabulous.

_She looks up, a proud glint in her eye. Slow zoom in as we begin:_

_MONTAGE. Set to “Witchy Woman” by the Eagles._

_A) ANCHOR DESK. The entertainment desk for Chicago’s WSNS station, with all the lights down except for a background light creating a silhouette of the anchor. As the lights rise and the camera tracks in, we see Jackie, with perfect hair and stylish suit. She is just a little too aware of the camera as she delivers her segment._

**JACKIE** :

Good evening, Chicago. I’m Jackie Burkhart, and this is _Jackie’s Corner_.

_B) ANCHOR DESK. Another day, another outfit. We join Jackie in the middle of a film review._

**JACKIE (cont’d):**

Okay, so – my fiancé loves _Monty Python_ , and their first movie is funny and all, but I have a question: what was with the coconuts? Could they not afford a horse? Newsflash, England – ladies want to see men on horseback. Even if they’re doughy, bad-teeth Englishmen.

_C) ANCHOR DESK. Another day, another story, another outfit. Jackie’s still playing to the camera. Michael Jackson’s album OFF THE WALL is in her hands._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

 _Off the Wall_ : it’s hip, it’s hot, it’s flying off the shelves – but who thought a bow tie this big was a good idea?

_She points at the tie of Jackson’s tuxedo on the album and shakes her head._

_D) ANCHOR DESK. Another day, another story, another outfit. Jackie’s hair is a preview of the coming decade: the Whale Spout hairstyle, with some crimps for good measure. Jackie’s eyes roll up, as if she could see her hair that way._

**JACKIE (cont’d):**

(scoffs)

Like this will ever catch on.

_E) ANCHOR DESK. Another day, another story, another outfit._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

So _Star Trek_ gets a movie but _Charlie’s Angels_ have to stay on the small screen?

_She holds up two photos – an unflattering one of William Shatner, and a glam shot of Jaclyn Smith._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

Look at these pictures and tell me who’s going to move the most tickets.

_F) ANCHOR DESK. Jackie is sitting on her desk this time, spread out across it. She is modelling the quintessential 1980s look – big hair, big shoulders, neon colors, and leg warmers. She looks down at those leg warmers, gives her right leg a shake, and looks into the camera._

**JACKIE (cont’d)** :

Call me crazy, but I think leg warmers might be here to stay.

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT**

_Back to the present, as Jackie gives a contended sigh and leans back into the couch._

_A clearly unhappy Brooke and an apologetic Fez march to the couch and stand over Kelso._

**BROOKE** :

Michael, Fez just let it slip that you two have been having crazy beer parties when you aren’t watching Betsy.

**KELSO** :

Uh? Oh, no. Fez is just confused, since he’s foreign. See, in his language, “beer” means...

_No lie comes to mind. Instead, Kelso slaps Fez hard in the hand. Fez slaps his face back. Kelso stands, and the two of them get into a rapid-fire slap fight._

_Over by the kitchen door, Bob joins Red and Pastor Dave as Red pulls out his gift from Hyde and Eric._

**BOB** :

(whistles)

Season tickets? That’s nice.

_Pastor Dave, trembling, lets out a high, girlish squeal of delight, one that cuts off as soon as he sees the way Red and Bob are looking at him._

**RED** :

You know I can’t take you to a game if you do that, Dave.

_Dave, contrite, nods and looks down at his feet._

_On the stairs, Hyde shifts Schatzi under one arm so he can put the other around Leo._

**HYDE** :

Leo, man, how’s Grooves?

**LEO** :

Great, man. _The Wall_? Pink Floyd? It sounded awesome, man.

**HYDE** :

No, Leo, I meant Grooves, the record store.

(beat)

That we hired you to run when I moved to Chicago.

**LEO** :

I run a record store? Wow, I’m really moving up in the world.

**ANGIE** :

(laughing)

He’s actually been doing an okay job. We’ve only had one complaint about a hippy orgy.

**HYDE** :

(nods)

W.B., how’re things in Milwaukee, man?

**W.B.** :

Are you kidding? It’s great! Having Angie there in the corporate office is the best decision I ever made.

(Angie beams)

See, right before I gave her that promotion, I got into this snooty country club. They didn’t think I’d be there much. But now that I’ve got Angie running things, I’m there all day, every day – with friends. And there’s nothing those brothers love more than making white people uncomfortable.

**HYDE** :

Nice.

**W.B.** :

And what about you, Steven? How’s business in Chicago?

**HYDE** :

Flying.

_He flashes a cheeky grin. Slow zoom in as we cut to:_

_MONTAGE. Set to the instrumental track of “Nobody’s Fault But Mine” covered by Led Zeppelin._

_A) GROOVES, CHICAGO. THE CIRCLE. Hyde sits behind the counter, a diffuse cloud of smoke all around him. He coughs, waves some of the smoke away, and flashes a grin at the camera._

**HYDE** :

Welcome to Grooves.

_B) GROOVES, CHICAGO. Another day, another Circle. An unseen customer hands Hyde his choice of record from off-camera – SPIRITS HAVING FLOWN by the Bee Gees. Hyde looks up with utter contempt._

**HYDE (cont’d)** :

The Bee Gees? You know there’s a 20% tax on crap in this store, right?

_C) GROOVES, CHICAGO. Another day, another Circle. An unseen customer hands Hyde his choice of record from off-camera – BACKLESS by Eric Clapton. Hye looks up and nods approvingly._

**HYDE (cont’d):**

Nice. And you know there’s a 20% discount on rock n’ roll in this store, right?

_D) GROOVES, CHICAGO. Another day, another Circle. This time, Hyde is busy with a lighter: he very casually sets a sleeve for ABBA’s VOULEZ-VOUS on fire._

_E) GROOVES, CHICAGO. Another day, another Circle. Hyde leans back and tips a bag of potato chips. The entire bag showers down over his face, and some of them even make into his mouth. He happily munches down._

_F) GROOVES, CHICAGO. Another day, another – particularly intense – Circle. Hyde leans in to speak to an unseen customer off-camera._

**HYDE (cont’d):**

Hey, did you hear about that car that runs on water? It’s got a fiberglass, air-cooled engine, and it runs on water, man!

_G) GROOVES, CHICAGO. Another day, another Circle. Hyde performs air guitar to the montage music._

_H) JACKIE AND HYDE’S APARTMENT, clearly decorated by Jackie but currently filled with dim lighting and a smoky haze. (MUSIC NOTE: song cuts out.) Jackie and Hyde sit together, their heads leaned against each other and matching spaced-out smiles on their faces._

**JACKIE** :

Baby, I think you’re late for work.

**HYDE** :

I thought you were late for work.

_They both sit up slightly, puzzling the answer._

**JACKIE** :

Huh.

**HYDE** :

Maybe we’re both late for work.

**JACKIE** :

Or – is work late for us?

_She wiggles her eyebrows, “think about it.” Hyde gives her a short stare, then leans down for a kiss. They fall out of frame as they make out as the montage music resumes for a final sting._

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT**

_Back to the present. Jackie has joined Hyde, who has his arm around her shoulders. Leo, W.B., and Angie disperse into the party._

_Red and Kitty cross to Jackie and Hyde._

**KITTY** :

Steven, do you have any idea when Eric is coming? It’s almost midnight.

_Bob, Kelso, and Fez join them._

**BOB** :

And what about Donna? No one knows if she’s coming to this party?

_A lot of shaking heads answer._

**BOB (cont’d):**

Come on, I’m her dad. I deserve some answers. What’s going on with that passport? What’s going on with her and Eric?

**KITTY** :

Red, I’m getting worried. There’s no reason they shouldn’t be here by now.

**HYDE** :

You want us to go look for ‘em, Mrs. Forman?

**KITTY:**

Oh, honey, would you?

**KELSO** :

Yeah, that’s a good idea.

(pulls out cop badge)

Okay, everybody, line up! We’re turning this New Year’s party into a search party!

_He draws focus from everyone in the party, but only for a second; most of the guests turn back to their conversations. Hyde, Jackie, and Fez disperse, searching for their coats, ignoring Kelso’s hand signals to form a line._

CUT TO:

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – NIGHT**

_A thick layer of snow covers the hedges and the yard, but the driveway is clear. The VISTA CRUISER, with suitcases packed and tied on top, slowly backs up into the driveway and parks. ERIC, bundled up for the cold, steps out. He gives a long look around his old home before climbing up on the hood of his car to sit back and look at the stars._

_DONNA, also bundled up, and with red hair and a short haircut, comes up the driveway. A knapsack is slung over her shoulder. She taps Eric on the foot to get his attention._

**DONNA** :

Hey.

**ERIC** :

(sits up)

Hey. You made it.

**DONNA** :

(nods)

Snuck the last of my stuff out of my dad’s house. I’m just here to say goodbye to everybody, then it’s off to the airport.

**ERIC** :

Good.

(sits back)

You know, I still remember the night you first kissed me on the Vista Cruiser. It was warmer then.

**DONNA** :

Yeah, well... a lot of things are different now.

**ERIC:**

(softly)

Yeah.

_Donna climbs up next to Eric and sits back too. Overhead shot on the two of them slowly pulls out as we begin:_

_MONTAGE. Set to “Thirteen” by Big Star. A collection of moments Eric and Donna have shared over seven seasons. Included in the montage are:_

_A) The aforementioned first kiss._

_B) Eric and Donna moving to hold hands over the scented candle of Eric’s 17 th_

_C) Their dance at junior prom._

_D) Cuddling in the back of Kelso’s van._

_E) The “Fernando” dance._

_F) Their wrestling greatest hits._

_G) Shoving each other’s heads._

_H) Eric’s proposal, and his slipping the engagement ring on Donna’s finger._

CUT TO:

**EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – NIGHT**

_Back to the present, and an extreme close-up on Eric and Donna’s intertwined hands. We see for the first time that Donna has a wedding band on her left ring finger. Slow zoom out as Eric and Donna turn in to face each other._

**ERIC** :

So – how pissed do you think everyone’ll be when we tell them that you’re leaving tonight to study abroad in London, I’m working on moving my pilot program there so I can follow you next semester, and – just to put a cherry on this stupid sundae – we went and eloped right before Christmas?

**DONNA:**

(laughs)

Pretty pissed. I think Red might finally put his foot up your ass.

**ERIC** :

You know, he actually did that once.

**DONNA** :

Really?

**ERIC** :

(nods)

Iwo Jima. He doesn’t like to talk about it.

_They laugh again, then scoot together and kiss. And kiss again. And keep kissing, so passionately that they fail to notice Hyde, Jackie, Kelso, and Fez standing by the patio door._

_Donna finally opens her eyes, sees them. She sits up, alerting Eric, who flips around and sees all his scowling friends._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Oh – hey, guys!

_They keep scowling._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

So, um – how – how much of that did you hear?

_They keep scowling._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Well, this is awkward.

(beat)

Boy, I wish there was some way to take the edge off all this.

CUT TO:

**INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT**

_THE CIRCLE. Eric and Donna sit together. Eric takes a deep breath._

**ERIC** :

Edge, you are officially off.

**DONNA** :

(to the gang)

I’m really glad I got to see you all before I left for London. And I’m even happier that we didn’t trust any of you bozos with the fact we’re married.

_Pan to Hyde, with Jackie in his lap._

**JACKIE:**

Donna, I think it’s so romantic that you and Eric eloped. Plus, this way, there’s no chance your wedding can upstage mine. And you’re my maid of honor, so you’d better be back here for it!

_Pan to Kelso._

**KELSO** :

(to Eric, Donna)

London, huh? Hey, Eric, you know what you should do when you get over there? You should find one of those guards with the big hats, and you should see if you can make him laugh. And Donna, you should have a camera, so you can take pictures when the guard starts beating Eric up. That way, I’ll laugh.

_Pan to Fez._

**FEZ** :

(to Eric, Donna)

And while you’re there, you can spit on the palace from me. The British hate my country. That is why the Beatles can kiss my ass!

_Pan to Kelso._

**KELSO** :

You know, Fez, you’ve never told us what country you’re from. How about letting us know before the year’s over?

_Pan to Fez._

**FEZ:**

Isn’t it obvious?

(scoffs)

Fine. It’s –

_Pan to Eric and Donna._

**ERIC** :

Hold that thought, Fez. You know, guys – this might be the last Circle we ever have together.

_Pan to Hyde and Jackie._

**JACKIE** :

Aww... that’s kind of sad.

**HYDE** :

It’s a time for reflection. Like on how many of our brain cells survived the ‘70s. Despite our best efforts, some of those bastards pulled through. But tonight – they’re going down.

_Pan to Kelso._

**KELSO** :

Way ahead of you, Hyde.

_He pops open a can of beer and takes a chug._

_Pan to Fez, who also has a beer._

**FEZ** : 

Die, brain cells, die! And you’re next, liver.

_He takes a sip._

_Pan to Eric and Donna._

**ERIC** :

It’s like – we always have to remember this moment.

_Unnoticed by Eric or Donna, Red appears behind them._

_Pan to Jackie and Hyde, in stunned shock._

_Pan to Kelso, giggling silently._

_Pan to Fez, in fear for his life._

_Pan to Eric and Donna, confused._

**DONNA** :

What?

_Red bends down so that his head is over Eric’s shoulder, giving Eric and Donna a jump._

**RED** :

(to Eric)

UPSTAIRS! Your mother’s pouring the champagne for the countdown, and then you’re all gonna get it!

_He storms off. Eric and Donna, stunned, share a look._

**ERIC** :

We’re dead.

_He and Donna break up laughing._

_The Circle is broken. Everyone is laughing now. They all stand and make for the stairs._

**ERIC (cont’d)** :

Oh, hey, guys – last one upstairs has to call Red a dumbass!

_The dare set, everyone breaks for the stairs. The girls, Fez, and Eric make it up safely, leaving Hyde and Kelso to wrestle it out. Hyde gets a good hold on Kelso and tosses him back before racing upstairs. Kelso recovers, looks around, realizes he’s lost._

**KELSO** :

Aww, man!

_He grabs the stupid helmet and starts a slow, reluctant, petulant march up the stairs as everyone in the party begins the countdown._

**COUNTDOWN (v.o.)** :

TEN! NINE! EIGHT! SEVEN! SIX! FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!

**TITLE CARD**

_The THAT ‘70S SHOW license plate, now marked with a 1980 sticker._

**FADE TO BLACK**

**END CREDTIS**

**INT. VISTA CRUISER – NIGHT**

_The gang, driving to the airport together in the Vista Cruiser. Eric drives, with Donna next to him and Hyde in the passenger’s seat with Jackie in his lap. Behind them is Donna’s knapsack, then Kelso, then Fez. They all sing along to the radio – “In the Street” by Big Star._

**GANG** :

_Past the street light_

_Out past midnight..._

**JACKIE:**

Boy, we’re good!

**FEZ:**

We’re really good!

_Hyde seems skeptical of that claim, but he, and the rest of the gang, continue to jam to the music._

**END.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for reading! If you like what you've seen, leave a review!


	43. POSTSCRIPT

Hi, everyone!

Just a confirmatory postscript - all chapters have been updated with grammar and formatting corrections, and some minor dialogue adjustments.

That's the last word on _Zenmasters: Seasons 3 to 5(+)_. Thank you again to everyone who read along! And, if you're coming across this after the fact - feel free to read and review!


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